In the following weeks Anakin felt no better, though his days were filled with almost more than he could handle, yet he felt that it was never enough to keep him from constant distraction. Had things gone differently, would Padme have been safe? And the twins? He could feel an overwhelming sense of guilt creeping up on him, as if from a separate reality, and evidently it showed in his features. Obi-wan was almost constantly asking him if he was alright and Anakin would respond with an unconvincing,
"I'm fine, don't worry so much!"
He knew Obi-wan didn't believe him , but it was the best he could do under the circumstances. It was impossible to hide that guilt which seemed to be eating him alive, yet it wasn't as if he could tell Obi-wan about it.
Had the situation been in his hands, could he have handled it? He shook his head, there had to be a way to stop these questions from bombarding his mind.
There was a council meeting scheduled for the afternoon. Perhaps, Anakin thought, it would bring some news, a welcome respite from his constant state of worry. This hope seemed to bring him some consolation and carry him through the rest of the day which passed as in some murky daze.
That afternoon did bring news, and was quite as distracting and unusual as Anakin had hoped it would be. He arrived before Obi-wan, an unusual event in the first place, to find, standing in the midst of the other council members, his own Padawan, Ahsoka.
In a burst of surprise he ran up to her, crying out, "Snips what are you doing here?" while enveloping her in a bear hug.
It was a moment before he realized how completely undignified that had been to do in the council room, in front of Mace Windu no less. But, as he squeezed his Padawan in a tight and grateful embrace, he could see the corners of the wise Jedi Master's mouth twitching up a little. And that, to Anakin was just as good as saying he approved.
Mace seemed to have softened up considerably since his recovery. His face didn't look nearly so careworn all the time, and quite a few of the padawan's could've sworn they'd seen him smile at them as they trained, there was no way to be sure, however. Even Anakin noticed that the solemn Jedi master was not nearly so critical of him as he used to be. Perhaps it was owed to the fact that there was no longer a Sith Lord threatening the galaxy. Perhaps at last, Anakin had won his respect.
Anakin's stomach lurched at that last thought, for he knew that he truly had not earned anything, but his surprise at seeing Ahsoka kept him from thinking too long on it.
His Padawan smiled at him, "I'm not entirely sure," she answered him, "The senate sent me." She looked a little strangely at Mace Windu, her face a mixture of confusion and indignance, before he nodded at the two of them, a cue to take a seat.
Obi-wan arrived and the meeting began. It was long, they were discussing a mission to Mustafar, where it was rumored that the separatists were still based. Anakin knew what was coming, of course! That had been the cause of Ahsoka's unexpected appearance. They needed them for a mission!
It should have been exciting, ordinarily it would have been. Yet with every word that was spoken Anakin found himself drawn back to thoughts of Padme, of Luke and Leia. While before he would have jumped at the chance to take this mission, he had a family to think of now. They crossed his mind more often now, thoughts which since the death of Sidious, his every waking moment was filled with them. The man he'd believed to be his only chance at keeping a family together had been the very man who'd nearly torn it apart. Or had that been Anakin? One second more and…
Frustrated, Anakin rested his chin on his hands and sighed. He could hear the rustle of Obi-wan's robes next to him as he and Ahsoka exchanged glances of concern. He wished they wouldn't, not now, not when he was striving with all his being to keep up an appearance.
The rest of the meeting went by like some hazy dream, when Anakin was called on for the mission he accepted, though, Obi-wan and Ahsoka noticed with some concern, his voice had a strange numbness to it when he spoke, a sort of other-worldly quality. Afterwards he wandered out of the room like a man condemned, the spark that ordinarily lit is eyes was gone, and no one saw him for the rest of the afternoon. No one saw him slip quietly into the senate building, no one saw him as he unlocked the doors to senator Amidala's chamber and crept in, slowly, quietly, careful not to disturb the gentle peace that had fallen over the apartment, no one saw him, as Anakin Skywalker lay his head to rest on the satin cushions of a couch, not much worn by years, yet which seemed to hold innumerable memories of happier times.
No one saw as the jedi master reached out through the force for comfort, allowed a soft sigh to escape his lips, and wept.