Shigeko didn't really have a bedtime.
At least she thought that she didn't. Mom had never, not since she had been really little, made her go to bed at any specific time. She couldn't really remember when mom had stopped, or started, giving her a bedtime but it must have been a long time ago since she couldn't really remember. It must not have been important if she couldn't remember.
Or maybe she just wasn't really important.
It was late, she had school in the morning, and she knew that she should have been asleep. She had to get up early in the morning or else she'd be tired for school and then her grades would drop and then she would never be able to grow up or go to university and then she and Minori wouldn't be able to live out Minori's dream of them going to university together and going to parties and meeting boys and Shigeko doing all of their homework.
Actually, Shigeko really wasn't looking forward to the homework part.
Middle school homework was hard enough, she had no idea what they would do once they got to university. She had never been to university before but she knew it must have been much harder than middle school. Even high school must have been much harder than middle school. She wasn't really looking forward to when they went to high school either. If she were to be honest with herself, and ready she should have been honest to at least one person in her life, she wasn't even looking forward to school tomorrow. Sure, it was better than it had been before, she actually had someone to talk to and who wanted to talk to her but it just was…
She didn't even know what this was.
"…like you wouldn't believe! I mean, of course you wouldn't believe it." Said Minori. Shigeko knew what this was, Minori needed to tell someone about her date, and apparently Shigeko was the only person who she felt comfortable talking to. Which was a nice way of putting 'everyone else sucks and no one else gets it'. Minori could be kind of mean sometimes even if there was no one around to be mean to.
Though, all things considered, she was nice to Shigeko which must have meant something.
"I don't believe it." Said Shigeko as she cradled the receiver to her ear. It was late, she was tired, and she had to get up early for school. She didn't dare say a word of that to Minori, of course. Their friendship felt precarious. Even though Minori had decided that they were best friends, which in Shigeko's opinion was a lot, it still felt like she could take it back at any time.
Shigeko had no idea what she would do if Minori took it back.
"Well of course you wouldn't, you've never been out with anyone before…and the other night doesn't count. You were just being a third wheel." Said Minori
"I know I was, I'm sorry." Said Shigeko as she twisted the phone cord between her fingers. She didn't really mean what she said but she knew better than to say her real thoughts. Minori had told her to be a third wheel because otherwise her boyfriend would have called the whole thing off because he had felt bad for her…which was nice of him. Nice. That was all.
She just wasn't used to boys being nice to her, that was all.
"It's whatever." Said Minori. Shigeko nodded even though she knew that Minori couldn't see her all the way over here laying on her bed. She had taken the hall phone into her room, she'd had no idea that the cord could even reach this far, so as not to wake mom up. She didn't know if she was allowed to be on the phone this late, or even at all. It wasn't whatever, she could have made mom mad, and she knew that the right thing to do was to tell Minori that they'd have all day to talk at school.
But Shigeko was bad at doing the right thing so she stayed on the line.
"Ok." Said Shigeko
"Don't be like that." Said Minori
"Like what?" asked Shigeko
"Like that! All…I don't know, sad, I guess. Or whatever." Said Minori. Shigeko blinked. She didn't think that she had sounded sad. She wasn't even sad, no, she had no reason to be. Mom had gotten out of bed long enough to make them dinner and she had said that Dad sent his concern, which was almost as good as sending his love, and also she had a best friend. There was nothing at all in her life that could possibly make her sad at this moment in time.
Really.
"I'm not sad, I feel fine." Said Shigeko
"Seriously?" asked Minori
"Yes, seriously." Said Shigeko
"You don't have to lie, Suzuki, I know that you're jealous." Said Minori
"Jealous?" asked Shigeko
"Of me. It's ok, most people are." Said Minori. Shigeko sat up. Was she jealous of Minori? Minori was prettier than her, and more popular than her, and also her family had more money but Shigeko still had her mom and that seemed like it would cancel out the other things. It was mean but it was the truth. She wasn't jealous at all.
"I'm not jealous of you." said Shigeko
"You don't have to lie to me, Suzuki, I know you are. Most people are. I mean I'm me after all. Who wouldn't want to be me?" asked Minori. Shigeko wondered if Minori was just trying to convince herself that everyone was jealous of her and….and that was a mean thought to have. Plenty of people must have been jealous of her and maybe…maybe Shigeko was just a little bit jealous too.
It might have been nice to be as pretty as Minori was. Pretty enough for people to want to be her friend…for boys to want to be her friend.
"I…guess. I mean you're pretty and popular and stuff so…so I guess people would be jealous of you." said Shigeko. She sat with the receiver pressed against her ear. She couldn't hear anything. She pressed it harder. If Minori had hung up there would have been a click and then a dial tone. She kept the phone to her ear. Minori may have stepped away without telling her or she may have dropped her phone or…well whatever the reason was Shigeko knew that if she hung up now and went to sleep Minori was going to be very mad at her and then they might have stopped being friends.
Friendship was hard. She didn't know how other people did this every day.
Friendship should have been easy, like on TV, or like with her dolls…but dolls and TV weren't real. They were just pretend and this was the real world…an ant ran across her wall. She left it alone, there were plenty more where that came from. It felt like for every bug she squished then more grew. There was no more point in fighting them as there was in fighting Minori. There was no way to win and she was just going to make her life worse.
Her life was finally good. She wasn't going to disturb it.
"At least you can admit it." Said Minori after a while. She sounded quiet there, and far away, like there was a bad connection or something.
"I think that there's a bad connection, I can barely hear-" said Shigeko
"You know you're the only person who can?" asked Minori
"Can what?" asked Shigeko
"Admit that they're jealous of me." said Minori. She wasn't that jealous of Minori, not really, and she didn't know why it even mattered. Minori knew that she was pretty and popular and stuff, why did she need other people to be jealous of her?
"Why do you care if other people are jealous of you? Even if they weren't it wouldn't change who you are." Said Shigeko
"I don't care about people being jealous, I care about them being a bunch of two faced liars!" said Minori. Shigeko pulled the phone away from her ear. Whatever that bad connection was it looked like it was fixed now.
"I'm, um, sorry? That people were like that to you, I mean." Said Shigeko as she cautiously put the phone back to her ear. There was more quiet on the other side. If she hadn't been able to hear Minori breathing she would have sworn that the line had gone dead.
"Don't be." Said Minori
"I can't help it. They're your friends and friends shouldn't treat each other like that. That's the whole point of being friends." Said Shigeko. She didn't know what she had been expecting but it hadn't been laughter. She sank down into her bed. Of course she had said the wrong thing again.
"Sorry….I guess." said Shigeko
"Don't be." Said Minori
"But I….I said something dumb. I'm really sorry about that, I just….I don't get it. Why people would want to be your friend just to be mean to you. I mean sometimes you…nothing. I just don't want people to be mean to you, that's all." Said Shigeko. Minori could be very mean to her sometimes but…but that was just the way that she was. She was mean to everyone. Besides, it's not like she ever hit Shigeko or anything. Yes, that was a good line. If Minori ever hit her then they could stop being friends. That is unless Shigeko had done something to deserve being hit, no, that would be completely different.
"Whatever, fuck them. I don't need them." said Minori
"Not even your friends?" asked Shigeko. That wasn't good. If Minori could discard her friends like that then what did that mean for Shigeko? She felt cold all of a sudden. She pulled her Elsa blanket closer around her and tucked her legs under her nightgown. It didn't help. If Minori could just be all 'f-word them' about her other friends then what did that mean for Shigeko? She knew that their friendship was precarious but she just…she wanted it not to be. She wanted them to be the sort of friends that stuck together no matter what happened, no matter how bad, for years and years and years. Like with her….
Her eyes landed on her dollhouse. She looked away. That was just pretend. She was way too old to be playing pretend like that.
"I don't need anybody, I'm fine on my own." Said Minori. Shigeko nodded. Right, of course she was. She didn't know what she had been expecting, she knew Minori, they were best friends after all. There was no one you knew better than your best friend.
"I guess that…that makes sense." Said Shigeko
"Yeah…you get it. I mean of course you get it, you're you." said Minori
"Yeah, I guess I am kind of a loser-" said Shigeko
"You're cool like that." Said Minori. This must have been a bad connection. Shigeko checked the phone cord. It was still plugged in all the way. She must have been going crazy then. She could have sworn that she'd heard Minori saying that she was cool…but that was impossible. She wasn't cool. She looked down at herself. She was in an Elsa nightgown all wrapped up in an Elsa blanket on her Elsa bed with her Elsa dolls looking over at her. There was nothing at all cool about this room or the person in it and there never would be.
Minori didn't have to lie to her like that…even if it had been nice to hear, if only for a second.
"I'm not cool. You're always telling me I'm not. The things I like are weird and I dress weird and stuff like that." Said Shigeko
"Well, yeah, obviously. It's like someone took a first grader, locked them in a cave, and then let them out in middle school." Said Minori
"I know, you've said that before…well not the cave thing but-" said Shigeko
"But that's kind of, I don't know, cool….I guess. That you don't give a fuck what other people think about you. That you're always just kind of…there, you know?" said Minori
"Like a mob character, you mean." Said Shigeko
"No, well yeah, but also no. Kind of like the main character….the main character's best friend. You're like the quiet girl in the friend group, the serious one who's always got a book or something and makes funny comments during the episode and-" said Minori
"And has purple hair?" asked Shigeko. She hadn't been thinking, it had just come to her.
"I don't think you could pull off dyed hair, that's my thing, but your hair is alright I guess. I mean when it's not braided. The braids will never be cool. I mean, come on, you're not Pippi Longstocking." Said Minori
"Who's she?" asked Shigeko as she played with her braid with her free hand. She liked the braids and maybe…maybe she would have looked good with dyed hair. Not purple, no, red….red hair felt right….but also wrong too at the same time.
"You know, Pippi Longstocking? The girl from the books? She lives on a pirate ship and has a pet monkey?" asked Minori
"Sorry, I mostly read manga." Said Shigeko. She'd never read that book but she'd have to ask…she didn't know who. She didn't know anyone who liked to read.
"Yeah, me too, my mom used to read me…whatever, don't tell anyone I like to read. I don't want them to think I'm a nerd." Said Minori
"Ok, I won't." said Shigeko even though it didn't seem like it should have been a secret. It really seemed worse for people to think that you didn't know how to read, really, instead of that you liked to read…but people could be very complicated sometimes.
"Good. See, I knew I could trust you. You're not like that." Said Minori
"Like what?" asked Shigeko
"Like other people. You're not a two faced asshole. You're just you. You're weird as hell but you're you. I know I can trust you, I mean, like with my secrets and my homework and my boyfriend and stuff." Said Minori
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you have a boyfriend. I mean I didn't know that it was a secret to begin with but I didn't tell anyone so you don't have to worry." Said Shigeko
"God, you are so weird sometimes. Obviously he's not a secret! Have you seen him?" said Minori
"Um…yes? I mean we went on that date together and-" said Shigeko
"Oh my God! Don't say that we went on a date together, people are going to think that we're gay!" said Minori
"There's nothing wrong with that." Said Shigeko narrowing her eyes. She wasn't like that but the thought of not liking someone just because of who they loved…it made her want to be very mean to people…and she didn't like feeling that way at all.
"Yeah, I know that there isn't, but I don't want people to think that about us. How in the hell am I ever going to find you a boyfriend if everyone thinks that we're going out? I mean, ok, guys like that and all but we don't need those kinds of guys hanging out with us. We need classy guys like Hanazawa…God…he's so-" said Minori
"Nice." Said Shigeko. She felt like she had done something wrong, the moment the words passed her lips she knew she had done something wrong, but she had no idea what was wrong. It was the truth, he was nice, and classy and he smelled good and dressed nice and if Shigeko had met him first-
She doesn't let herself finish the thought. The sleep deprivation was making her think crazy things. That was all.
"Yeah, he's nice, and he's tall and he knows how to dress and his hair is just-oh! He's perfect, you know that? He's absolutely perfect." Said Minori with a sigh. Shigeko wanted to agree…but part of her didn't. The more she thought about him the more she felt…not good. Maybe it was because that was her best friend's boyfriend or maybe it was because-
"Suzuki Shigeko!" shouted Mom as she knocked on the door. Shigeko sat straight up and let her blanket fall down her back. Now she was extra cold. Sitting still wasn't helping…but she didn't dare move. Even though her lights were on and, obviously, Mom knew that she was in there and she was still up.
"Shigeko, answer me, I know that you're in there. Do you have any idea what time it is?" Said Mom
"No…" whispered Shigeko even though she had no idea what she was even whispering for. Mom already knew that she was in there. She suddenly felt like she was doing something wrong, something very wrong, the kind of thing that a person would be punished for…that is if Mom cared….
"I'll have you know that it's after midnight. You know that you have school in the morning so get off the phone and go to bed before I unplug it." Said Mom as she knocked on the door. Shigeko swallowed and nodded.
"O-Ok, Mom. Minori, I have to-" said Shigeko before there was a click and then silence. Mom could have at least waited a minute for Shigeko to say goodbye before she unplugged the phone. You were supposed to give people more warning than that, right? It wasn't fair…but it didn't matter. It wasn't like Mom was going to listen to her talk of fairness.
She laid down.
She reached over and turned off her bedside lamp. Now it was both dark and cold. She wanted…she didn't know what she wanted. She kind of wanted to talk to Minori again. It had been nice, towards the end, talking to her best friend and stuff…kind of really nice…even if they had been on dangerous ground near the end. Boyfriends…why did Shigeko feel this way about Minori's boyfriend? And what even was 'this way'? She wished that she could have asked someone, she turned to face her dollhouse, but there was no one she could ask…she was on her own with whatever these feelings were…these weird feelings that made her want to…
To do things she would never do.
Like betray her best friend. She would never betray her best friend, ever, no matter how amazing and cute and polite and nicely dressed and good smelling the boy was. She wasn't that kind of person and she never would be. She just wished... She wished that things could have been different. That she could have been different. But also... Minori liked her the way she was. They were best friends. Minori was her only friend and... the only person who cared about her. There was no way that Shigeko was going to mess that up…and she didn't even know why she was thinking thoughts like that in the first place.
Maybe because it was late. She really should have been in bed hours ago.