Shigeko didn't like getting in trouble, but for some reason Minori did.
"Come on, Suzuki, just tell your mom we're going shopping." Said Minori as they packed their bags. It was the end of the day, finally. The school days felt like they were getting longer and longer. Minori said that it was normal this time of year, it was a while until their next break. Shigeko hadn't even realized. The days had just sort of bled together.
Like one long today.
Every day was like the ones before. The only thing, person, that made them interesting was Minori. They hung out at school and walked together, even though Minori had a driver who followed them which was a waste of time and gas in Shigeko's opinion, but still it was also kind of nice…having someone to talk to. Minori made the days at least a little bit different and Shigeko didn't mind.
Well, usually she didn't mind.
"I don't think that she'd say yes to that either." Said Shigeko as she put her history book in her bag. It was going to be hard walking home with all of this, and that was where she was going, home. If she came back really late again she knew that mom was going to be really mad at her. Maybe even mad enough to tell dad that she had been bad…
Shigeko shook her head and clasped her school bag shut. It was best not to think about things like that, like Dad.
"Then tell her something that she would say yes to." Said Minori, leaning really far onto Shigeko's desk. So far that she could see the flecks of eyeshadow trapped in Minori's eyelashes. Shigeko took a step back.
Minori leaned in further.
"She doesn't say yes to anything." Said Shigeko quickly. Minori sighed and pushed herself off of Shigeko's desk. There was a loud scraping sound as the metal legs slid against the floor. Shigeko hunched down and closed her eyes. The last thing that she needed right now was to get in trouble for being disruptive or damaging school property or whatever else they were going to accuse her of.
"God, your mom is such a bitch!" said Minori, kicking Shigeko's desk. Shigeko caught with her body and kept it in place.
"She's…kind of…that." Said Shigeko as she pushed her desk back into place.
"She's worse than my dad." Said Minori. Shigeko shook her head. Mom may have been kind of mean, and cold too, but she wasn't nearly as bad as Minori's dad.
"She doesn't have me followed." Said Shigeko as she rubbed her stomach. Minori clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. Shigeko had said the wrong thing. Even though it had been true that didn't mean that it was something that she should have said.
"Ok, fine, she's almost as bad as my dad. Anyway, my dad's worse, I win, and I don't want to win so can we just drop it?" said Minori, throwing her hands up in the air. Shigeko nodded so hard her hair hit her in the face. That was a good idea, that was the best idea that Minori'd had all day.
"Ok, we can drop it. I'll see you tomorrow then, but early, I want to finish our history project so I have the weekend free to focus on our math packet." Said Shigeko
"God, you are such a nerd sometimes. How can you talk about homework at a time like this?" asked Minori
"Because, um, we're at school? And we have to get good grades so we can go to university together and go to parties and meet boys and stuff like that." Said Shigeko. She went over what she had said. Those were all things that Minori had told her were important…but she may have changed her mind. Minori could have trouble making her mind up sometimes, like if bangs were cool or stupid, or if blue was one of Shigeko's colors or not, or if…well, there were a lot of things that she changed her mind about. Shigeko hardly ever changed her mind, she just never made it up in the first place.
Sometimes it was easier to let Minori do the thinking for the both of them, at least then she had less of a chance of upsetting her.
"Fuck university, fuck our grades, and fuck school." said Minori
"Minori! What if someone hears you?" said Shigeko as she looked around. The classroom was pretty much empty but that didn't mean that someone wasn't going to tell on them for cursing…or her, even if she didn't do anything. That was just her job in this friendship, she was the one who got in trouble so that Minori didn't, that way Minori could still have a life and her life could rub off on Shigeko. At least that was what Minori had said.
"Does it look like I give a fuck? There's no fucking way that I'm missing potentially the most important day of my fucking life-" said Minori
"Minori, do you have to say that word so often?" asked Shigeko quietly. Minori rolled her eyes.
"Fine, Suzuki, whatever. There's no way that I'm missing the most important f-wording night of my f-wording life because your mom has to be a total b-wordy c-word. Is that better?" asked Minori
"Um….yes?" asked Shigeko. She wasn't entirely sure what the c-word was, or if she wanted Minori to say anything mean about her mom, but it was better than it was before so…so it was ok. Minori was being nice and taking her into consideration. That just went to show how good of friends they were.
"Good, so you understand. I just need you to do this one thing for me, ok? Do I really ask that much of you?" asked Minori
"No." said Shigeko. The answer was 'yes' of course, but she knew that Minori wanted to hear a 'no'.
"Good. So just hang out with me like normal so my dad doesn't get suspicious." Said Minori
"But he doesn't like it when you go downtown by yourself, or anywhere, and he'll get mad at you for hanging out with me-" said Shigeko
"He'll be a little pissed off that I missed curfew and went out of bounds to hang out with you, he'll ground me for life if he knew what I was actually going to be doing." Said Minori
"Wait, so we aren't going shopping?" asked Shigeko. Minori laughed and hopped up on Shigeko's desk.
"Oh Suzuki, poor Suzuki. Naïve Suzuki. Young Suzuki." Laughed Minori as she twisted a piece of her hair between her fingers.
"I'm not that much younger than you, Minori, just four months." Said Shigeko
"Those four months might as well be four years. God, I remember when I was as young and innocent as you." said Minori
"It's just four months…" muttered Shigeko
"So naïve and-" said Minori
"If we aren't going shopping then where are we going?" asked Shigeko. Minori motioned for her to come closer. Shigeko leaned in as close as she could without it being weird. Minori leaned in even closer. Shigeko began to miss her personal space.
"Tell anyone and I'll never speak to you again." Whispered Minori
"Who am I going to tell? You're my only friend, and even if I had other friends I would still keep your secrets. You're my best friend." Said Shigeko
"See? This is why you're the only person I can trust with this." Said Minori
"With what? Are we going to try and buy wine again? Because last time the cashier didn't believe us when we said that we were in university." Said Shigeko
"That's because you look like you're five years old, and anyway, no. This is more important than wine. This is, potentially, the most important thing to ever happen to me. Ever." Whispered Minori. Shigeko nodded.
"I'm glad that I can help with something so important…whatever it is that's so important." Said Shigeko. She meant every word of it. She was glad that she could help her best friend with whatever was so important. She was a good friend…it felt good to be good at something…even if being a good friend meant lying to her mom and staying out way too late.
"Good, glad you're on my side." said Minori
"I'll always be on your side but…um…what am I on your side about?" asked Shigeko. Minori leaned in even closer. Whatever this was it was going to be important, incredibly important, and she was going to share it with Shigeko. She didn't know what to expect. Maybe she was going to run away like she sometimes talked about, or maybe she was going to-
"My boyfriend and I are finally going to do it." Whispered Minori
"Oh, ok, that's…what?!" asked Shigeko as her brain caught up with the rest of her. She didn't know exactly what she had been expecting but it hadn't been THAT! That was-was-was-no way! She wasn't going to-but she was-but she-couldn't because she wasn't in love with him-but obviously she was-but this was big-and-and-and-
"See? I told you that this was going to be the most important night of my life." said Minori, leaning back into her own personal space. Shigeko looked around. Everyone was gone but it still felt like she was being watched. It felt like the who world's eyes were on her, on them, and why shouldn't they have been? Minori had just told her the biggest news that a person could have! Doing that with someone…that was the biggest thing that you could do with them! That was…she didn't know, she had never done it before.
That was something that you were supposed to do with someone you were in love with. She knew that much.
"But you can't! I mean you just…this is a big thing and-" said Shigeko
"God, you sound like your mom." Said Minori
"You've never met my mom." Said Shigeko
"I don't have to. That was the most 'mom' thing that anyone's ever said to me in my life." said Minori
"Oh….I'm, um, sorry? I guess." said Shigeko. She hadn't meant to sound like a mom, which probably meant someone who was bossy and also kind of mean to you, but she had just wanted to warn Minori about…she wasn't even sure what. How big what she was about to do was? But she had never done it before…but she didn't need to do it to know that it was big and important and not something that someone should have done lightly.
"I forgive you, now come on. I have to get out of this uniform." Said Minori. Shigeko nodded and followed her out of the building and to the cluster of trees and bushes that people sometimes hung out in. Shigeko kind of wished that they had gone there to sit and do nothing, or even if they had gone there to sit and watch her do their homework. Anything would have been better than standing guard while Minori took off her uniform. She wasn't changing, no, she had just been wearing a really short and uncomfortable dress underneath it all day. How had she not noticed that when they had been changing for gym class? Well, she didn't really spend a lot of time looking at other people while they changed. Other people changing was really none of her business.
It was important to mind your own business.
She could remember someone telling her to stop being bossy and nosy, but she couldn't remember who, or even when she'd ever had the occasion to be bossy and nosy. She'd never had a friend before Minori so the opportunity had never come up, not that Shigeko was super excited that it had. Actually she wished that it hadn't. She didn't want to boss Minori around, she wanted to be happy for her, but she just…couldn't.
Minori didn't know what she was getting into.
"Ok, so here's the plan, and pay attention Suzuki. I'm going to pretend that I'm hanging out with you, and yeah, I know that my dad doesn't like it when I'm off the grounds and especially not when I'm with someone he doesn't know but sometimes he looks the other way if I've been good. I've been kissing up to him for a while so he goes easy on me." said Minori as she put her school shoes in her bag. She was standing outside in just her socks…and yet that wasn't the most worrying thing about this whole, incredibly worrying, thing.
"Your socks are getting dirty." Said Shigeko
"I don't care, they probably have clean socks at the hotel." Said Minori as she slipped on a pair of very uncomfortable looking shoes.
"Hotel!?" gasped Shigeko
"What? Did you think that we were going to do it at my house?" asked Minori
"No but…but don't you have to be an adult to go to a hotel?" asked Shigeko
"He's got his own credit card. Besides, it's not like people are going to notice. Everyone's there for the same reason so it would be hypocritical or whatever to care about other people doing it." Said Minori
"But Minori, hotels are so…" said Shigeko
"So what?" asked Minori. Shigeko didn't know. They were so impersonal? That made sense, not that she had ever been in one, but she knew how waking up naked next to someone that you shouldn't have felt…or at least she thought that she did. It didn't feel good. It felt kind of bad and it made you feel kind of guilty and then you had to take that guilt with you for the rest of your life!
She didn't want Minori to feel like that. She didn't want anyone to feel like that.
"I just don't want you to get hurt." Said Shigeko
"Suzuki, you sound like your mom again." Said Minori
"I don't think that my mom would have said something like that. I think that my mom would have yelled if I had told her that I was planning on doing…that." Said Shigeko
"So what, you're going to yell at me?" asked Minori
"No! I would never yell at you, I just don't want you to make a mistake and regret it for the rest of your life." said Shigeko. She had been telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth…but this was one of those times when the truth had been the wrong thing to tell. Minori's eyes narrowed and her lips got really thin, like she was trying to keep all of the mean things that she was planning on saying inside, which was actually worse than her coming out and saying them.
If she was trying to keep them to herself then they must have been really bad.
"I'm fourteen, not four. I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone telling me what to do, especially you." said Minori. Shigeko nodded.
"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to boss you around. I'm just worried about you. This is a big thing and…and it's one of those things that you can never take back so…so it's important to really know what you're doing. Otherwise you'll have that regret inside of you for the rest of your life." said Shigeko. Minori's eyes got softer and her mouth stopped looking like she was sucking on a lemon. That was a good sign, maybe. Maybe she would forgive Shigeko. Maybe this whole thing would just be a distant memory soon and they could get to walking together like they normally did. Maybe things could be normal, exactly like they had been yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
"Suzuki?" asked Minori as she put her hand on Shigeko's shoulder.
"Yes?" asked Shigeko
"You've been spending way too much time with your mom." Said Minori as she took her hand off of Shigeko's shoulder.
"Not really, she spends most of the day locked in her room and I spend most of the day at school." said Shigeko
"Well that's still way too much time together. You sound so old, like you're twenty years old or something." said Minori
"I didn't mean to, I just worry about you." said Shigeko
"Well I worry about you, too." Said Minori
"You do?" asked Shigeko. She didn't know if she should have been happy that Minori worried about her or sad that she had made her friend worry about her.
"Yeah. I worry that you're going to be like this for the rest of your life. A total wet blanket, nerdy, really tall first grader." Said Minori.
"Oh." Said Shigeko. Even when Minori was worried about her she still sounded mean…but at least she cared.
"You need to stop listening to your mom or you're going to die a virgin in a library or something surrounded by, like, fifty cats." Said Minori
"That doesn't sound too bad…the part about the cats." Said Shigeko. Minori shook her head.
"You still don't get it. Ok, how would you rather die? Alone, old, and a virgin or with me doing something really fun?" asked Minori
"Neither. I don't want to die at all and I really don't want you to die." Said Shigeko
"God you're so…ok, how about this? What do you want to be doing in five years? Hanging out in your big, empty, house with your mom or hanging out with me?" asked Minori
"You." said Shigeko quickly. She hadn't even had to think. The rest of her life with mom…she loved her mom so much but she didn't want to get old with her. Old and all alone in that big, cold, quiet house with just the ants and spiders for company…no way.
"Well then how are you going to hang out with me if you're always acting like a mom? I don't need a mom, I need a friend, and if you'd rather be my mom than my friend then you can just go home." Said Minori. Shigeko felt her entire body go cold. That was…she didn't know what she'd do if she wasn't Minori's friend. She didn't know if she could have gone back to being alone…if she could have gone her entire life all alone…just her and mom…and then just her once mom left….
"I don't want to be a mom, I want to be your friend." Said Shigeko
"Good. So shut up and come on." Said Minori. Shigeko did as she was told. Sometimes it was just easier to listen to Minori, to do what said to do, to say what she wanted to hear. This was just what having a friend was like. This was just what being a good friend was like. Sometimes when you were a good friend you did things and said things that you knew weren't in your friend's best interests…
Even when you had no idea how you knew.
Shigeko had, of course, never even so much as kissed a boy let alone done all the things with him. She hadn't even done any of the things that came before the thing, and you didn't need to kiss to do those things. Actually kissing someone who you were going to do that with was weird if you didn't love them. She didn't know how she knew that…it must have been from TV or movies or something. One of those things that you just kind of picked up on. She couldn't think of where else she would have learned it.
It wasn't like mom had ever talked to her about things like this.
Mom hadn't even told her about her period let alone anything like this. She didn't know why mom hadn't. Shigeko knew that if she had a daughter that she'd tell her everything. That way she wouldn't wake up all covered in blood and not know why. That way she wouldn't do something with someone that she didn't love but still felt really good so she kept on doing it even though she always felt very guilty afterwards. You didn't need to have gone through something to know what could go wrong, Shigeko decided, sometimes you just knew…and when you knew you had to warn someone.
She would warn her daughter.
Minori didn't want her to act like a mom and Shigeko…she didn't want to be a mom. To be a mom to someone that she hadn't made. It was different, probably, when you actually were a mom. Minori was a friend and being a friend meant that you made your friend happy, not that you did things that were in their best interest. Besides, Minori knew what she was doing. She wasn't going to do anything dumb like get pregnant or sleep with someone she wasn't in love with…not that she had said anything about being in love with Hanazawa, but she must have been.
Who wouldn't have been?
He was always so nice and he always smelled so good and his clothes were always really cool and the colors were pretty and he was just…him. A really nice and really perfect boy. Shigeko would have been in love with him if they had been together…though maybe she just felt that way because he was the only boy who had ever been nice to her or spoken to her in any way. A part of her knew that she didn't really know him at all, he could have been the kind of person who did it with you and then kicked you out right afterwards, and…and she didn't know where that had come from but she knew that if he did that to Minori she would certainly do….something.
She didn't know what it was but she knew that she wouldn't ever let anyone hurt her best friend.
Was that being a mom again? Shigeko didn't know if her mom would ever have done anything like that for her. She got the feeling that she wouldn't. Sometimes it felt like mom didn't even love her at all. Most mornings she woke up and expected mom to have run away or something. No, if a boy had treated her like that then mom wouldn't have even cared, she probably would have been mad, and dad…she didn't even want to think about what dad would have done to her if he knew that she had done something like that with a boy and let herself get hurt like that.
Dad probably wouldn't have loved her anymore, if he even loved her at all.
Her parents probably only had her because they had to and…and they didn't even care enough to warn her about things like this, things that they must have known about since they were the adults after all. She didn't know. Sometimes it felt like she was an adult and a kid at the same time. She had to stop feeling like that. Feeling like that was making her act like this and acting like this was going to, ultimately, push Minori away and then she'd be all alone.
She didn't think that she could handle being all alone.
So she stuck close to Minori. She followed Minori away from their school, in the opposite direction of where they usually went, and then on the long road downtown. They walked a winding, twisty, path to lose the driver that Minori's dad had sent to follow her. It added what felt like days, but in reality was only an hour or so, to their journey. It hadn't been so bad. She had passed a lot of places that looked fun. An arcade, a giant cupcake place, a make your own milkshake place, a cat café…lots of places that would have been more fun than this. Than making this many kilometer walk through the city. She almost wanted to go home.
Almost.
She was with Minori and it always felt nice being with Minori, even if she was mean sometimes. They were friends and being with your friend was better than being alone. Even if you felt like your friend was making a mistake, and not just in doing it so soon with her boyfriend who you may have also liked or just also wanted to do…things…with. Your friend could also wear really uncomfortable shoes and have to lean on you most of the way there. There being a big, purple, castle looking building in the middle of a neighborhood that you got the feeling you weren't allowed to be in.
There were a lot of signs that said 'adult' after all.
Big, bright, neon signs that said things like 'adult films' and 'adult books' and 'adult novelties'. Things that reminded Shigeko that no matter how she felt she wasn't anywhere near being an adult. She didn't even know what some of those things were, what was a novelty and what made it adult', and all of that just made her feel small…reminded her of how young she was. How much she stuck out. How much they both stuck out.
Of course being in her school uniform wasn't really helping her blend in.
"Try to stand behind me…God, I can't believe that I didn't plan for this." Muttered Minori
"Plan for what?" asked Shigeko as she stepped behind Minori. She kind of liked this better, at least people couldn't see her and she had a harder time seeing them. She wished that they weren't so close to the entrance. It was bad enough knowing that the entire building was people doing things…all of the things…but she didn't need to see the people going inside before they did things!
"For you being here, obviously. You look like-" said Minori
"I know, a first grader." Said Shigeko
"No, a middle schooler, which is worse because we wear uniforms in middle school and since you're with me everyone can tell what school we go to." Said Minori
"Oh…do you want me to go?" asked Shigeko. She wanted to go home but she also wanted to stay here. She didn't want to leave Minori alone, at least not before she had to. She didn't want to be there when it actually happened, of course, because that would have been really weird and their friendship would have gone to a place that she didn't think that she would have been all the way comfortable with.
"No, not yet. Not until he gets here. I just…don't want to be alone right now, I guess." said Minori
"Ok, I'll stay." Said Shigeko
"But go when he gets here!" said Minori
"I was planning on going when he got here. I don't want to be there when you do…all the things. It would be weird." Said Shigeko
"Yeah, the weirdest. I mean he'd probably like it since guys are gross like that but I don't want you there." Said Minori
"I know." said Shigeko
"I mean it's kind of…a lot, like you said, but I don't need you with me. I can take care of myself." Said Minori
"I never said that you couldn't." said Shigeko quickly. She didn't want to have another fight with Minori, if what had happened even counted as a fight, it had been bad but she got the feeling that things could have been worse…
That was the last thing that she wanted.
"Yeah, because I can, and I will. I know what I'm doing. I have this." Said Minori
"That's good, to know what you're doing. I don't know anything about…stuff like this." Said Shigeko. Minori laughed.
"Wait, you really don't know how people do it?" asked Minori. Shigeko quickly shook her head.
"No, no, no, I know HOW it works! I mean I've read about it. I just don't know how it…works…when it happens." Said Shigeko
"God, you're such a virgin." Said Minori
"You're not?" asked Shigeko. That seemed like the kind of thing that a person should have told their best friend…not that Shigeko was in any position to be making demands. Especially not these kinds of personal demands. If Minori hadn't felt comfortable talking to her about this then…then she must have had a very good reason for not telling her. Even if that reason was probably something very hurtful.
"Oh my God, of course I am! I'm not a slut." Said Minori
"I never meant to call you that! And I didn't call you that! I just figured since you knew so much about boys and that you were so pretty that you had…done things…before." Said Shigeko. Minori looked down and shrugged.
"I'm not a slut but I've done stuff…seen stuff and touched stuff….but I've never…" said Minori
"Done all of the stuff?" asked Shigeko. Minori looked at her and nodded. She seemed different, then, though Shigeko didn't exactly know how. Something in her eyes or her expression or something.
"Yeah, all the stuff….God! Who taught you how to talk?" laughed Minori
"My parents…I guess…I don't know." said Shigeko
"We'll definitely have to work on that, Suzuki, especially if I'm ever going to find a guy for you." said Minori
"Someone for me?" asked Shigeko. The thought was too good to be true. A boy for her…a boy who actually liked her. It was like Minori had told her that she was going to catch a tsuchinoko for her, or build a ladder to the moon. There wasn't any chance that a boy was ever going to like her.
Especially not a boy like Hanazawa…like Teru…like Minori's boyfriend.
"Yeah. I can't be the only one of us with a boyfriend. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't find a guy for you?" asked Minori
"I don't think that's possible. Boys don't really like me." said Shigeko
"Guys don't even know you." said Minori
"I know." said Shigeko
"So how in the hell are they supposed to like you if they don't know you? You need to put yourself out there more and stop acting like a mopey first grader. Get your hair out of your face and stop talking so much about Disney movies and, please, for the love of God stop letting your mom run your life!" said Minori
"But she's my mom…running my life is kind of her job." Said Shigeko
"If I still had a mom I wouldn't let her run my life. You can't let parents think that they're the ones in charge, if you do then they never stop. They just come up with more and more rules that don't even make sense and then it's like…ok? So I'm your slave now or something? Well I'm not. I'm myself and I don't let anyone tell me what to do. Especially not my dad." Said Minori. Shigeko wondered how any of that worked. Your parents…not being the boss of you? You being the boss of yourself? But that didn't make any sense…not unless you were the one of who bigger and older and stronger…but that wasn't how the parent and kid relationship worked. Your parents were your parents until they died or ran away.
Or they stopped loving you. That was a thing that happened too.
"Fuck my dad…asshole. He's always telling me what to do and where to go and…and it's like he doesn't even care about how I feel or who I am. It's like…I don't know. He keeps on telling me I'm all he has left or whatever but, ok? Go and make some friends or whatever." Said Minori
"It's hard…I mean it's got to be hard, when your dad doesn't have anyone but you. I mean. Like you're being suffocated." Said Shigeko
"That's exactly what I mean! See? You get it and your dad isn't anywhere near as bad as mine." Said Minori
"My dad can be pretty bad…mean. Sometimes scary. Always very confusing." Said Shigeko
"At least he doesn't have you followed." Said Minori
"He doesn't care that much about me…I don't think. Maybe if I had been a boy it would have been different but…I don't know. I don't want him to smother me and suffocate me but I don't like how he…runs away, I guess." said Shigeko
"Want to trade? You can have my overbearing dad and I can have your distant asshole dad?" asked Minori with a laugh that, for once, didn't sound mean at all.
"I'd rather we just be together instead of trading houses." Said Shigeko
"And we will be, once we're adults and nobody can tell us what to do. We'll go to university together and party together and then we'll get married to really hot guys and have kids together and then they'll hang out and we'll be old together or whatever. Mom aged." Said Minori
"You think that our daughters would be best friends too?" asked Shigeko
"They would be, even if we had to make them." said Minori
"But what if one of us has a boy and one of us has a girl?" asked Shigeko
"Then they'd go out and get married and have kids, obviously." Said Minori
"But what if they don't like each other like that?" asked Shigeko. It was one thing to force someone to be friends with someone else, if such a thing was even possible, but it was another to try and force two people to fall in love. Either they were in love or they weren't…or one person was in love and the other person didn't know how to tell them to go away and leave them alone and be with the other person that they were in love with.
"They will. Then they'll sneak around like we are now only we won't send people out to look for them." said Minori
"Minori! You can't-I don't want to think about our kids doing…that!" said Shigeko. She shook her head so fast that she was sure that her hair would go flying out and then she'd wind up looking like the Elsa doll she gave a haircut to. Then she'd have something to remind her of, for the rest of her life, this moment in time…this conversation….this conversation that was going to some really weird places!
"Obviously we're not going to actually think about it. We just won't be weird about it. If they want to fall in love with each other and do it then we won't stop them. We'll be cool moms, not like the parents we have. We'll be better." said Minori
"Do you really think that our kids would fall in love?" asked Shigeko
"Don't you want them to?" asked Minori
"I do. I mean I want them to be happy and I don't know if they'll be happy together. I don't think that we can force them to be together if they don't want to be. Then they'll be miserable for the rest of their lives and it would be our fault. Their kids would be miserable, too, because their misery would transfer down to them and then their children's children would be miserable too." Said Shigeko. Minori put her fingers in her ears and shook her head.
"Stop talking about kids! You're going to jinx me!" said Minori
"Sorry! I didn't mean to jinx you! I don't want you to get pregnant, I mean I would if you wanted to-" said Shigeko
"Suzuki, are you crazy? I'm fourteen, I don't want to have a baby! Who the hell wants to have a baby in middle school?!" asked Minori
"I don't think that it would be so bad…" said Shigeko. Having someone who loved you, who cared about you, who always wanted to be with you…it didn't sound that bad at all. Sure it was probably a lot of work but it was probably a labor of love. Also the clothes were really cute, especially if you had a baby girl, though baby boy clothes were cute too…babies were just so cute in general….
"Yeah, you're definitely going crazy or something. We can't have babies now! Our parents would kill and, even worse, we'd miss out on so many parties and going to university and just…everything!" said Minori
"Are those things really that important?" asked Shigeko. She didn't really like school and she didn't see the point of going to even more school when she was done with this. She didn't see, too, the point of parties. They weren't fun…or at least it didn't really feel like they were. She didn't know, she hadn't ever been to a party before.
"See? This is why you need a boyfriend. You're starting to get weird, even for you." said Minori
"I don't think that you'll find someone for me. Like you said, I'm weird, and…and a lot of other things. I don't think that anyone could ever fall in love with me." said Shigeko. Minori hit her over the head. Not hard, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough that she felt it.
"See? That's you being mopey again. I'll find someone for you, stop doubting me, and then I'll cover for you when you come here and then we can have something new to talk about." Said Minori
"You'd want to talk about…about things like this?" gasped Shigeko. This was so private. People talked about being in love but never about…about what came AFTERWARDS!
"Yeah, obviously. What's the point of doing it if you're not going to talk about it?" asked Minori
"Feeling good and being in love?" asked Shigeko
"Yeah, all of that shit too, but the most important thing is being able to talk about it without people calling you a slut. That's why we need boyfriends. We can't just go around hooking up with whoever we want. What would people say?" asked Minori
"You're in love with him, then? For real?" asked Shigeko. She didn't know if she wanted that…she knew what she should have wanted. She should have wanted Minori to have found the love of her life. She wanted Minori to have found the person that she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She wanted her best friend to have all the happiness in the world…with who she had found it with.
It didn't matter how she felt about him, he was Minori's, and she just had to accept that and also find a way to stop feeling the way she was feeling. Right now!
"I…think so? I mean…I don't know. I've never been in love before. I've never even had a real boyfriend before…but whatever. I know what I'm doing and that's it." Said Minori
"Wait, but if you don't know if you're all the way in love with him then-" said Shigeko. She didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, she didn't even know what she was going to say. The sound of Minori screaming scared all the thoughts from her mind.
"There you are!" said the man who had grabbed Minori. He had snuck up behind them…she hadn't even noticed! What kind of a friend was she?! She held out her hand and…and she didn't know what she had been planning on doing. Whatever it had been it clearly wasn't working at all. She was stuck, frozen, with no way of doing anything even if she hadn't been.
She wasn't strong enough to do anything.
"Dad! What the hell?!" shouted Minori as she kicked and flailed, trying to get away. Shigeko felt a little better, it was just her dad after all, not a kidnapping murderer. At least now, if Minori asked her why she didn't do anything, she had an actual excuse.
"You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady, starting with what you're doing in a place like this!" shouted Minori's dad. He was scary…but not as scary as her dad…not nearly as scary as her dad.
"I didn't do anything and I wasn't going to do anything! Now put me down before I scream!" shouted Minori
"We were just hanging out, Asagiri-san, nothing else. We were just-" said Shigeko, finding her voice. This wasn't part of the plan, Minori had never told her to do this, but she knew that a good friend would have taken the blame for this. She already took the blame for everything else, after all.
"You! I know you, you're that girl from Minori's school! You must be the cause of all of this!" shouted Minori's Dad. He held Minori under his left arm, freeing up his right hand to point at her. She flinched but didn't back away. Minori needed her.
"Dad, come on, she didn't-" said Minori
"Yes, I'm the cause of all of this. This is all my fault." Said Shigeko
"You confess!" shouted Minori's Dad
"Yes. I confess. I brought Minori here so I could meet my boyfriend and do…boyfriend and girlfriend things. She had nothing to do with this. She doesn't even know what this place is." Said Shigeko. Minori stopped struggling and was staring right at her…had she said the wrong thing again? F-word! Why did this have to be so hard!?
"Minori, is this true?" asked Minori's dad. She started to shake her head really fast.
"Yeah dad, it is, so you can put me down now! God!" said Minori. Her dad put her down and she ran right to Shigeko.
"Stay here and tell him what happens or he's going to think I stood him up." whispered Minori before her dad grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away. Shigeko didn't know what to do so she waved, but not even a good one, a little half wave. Minori didn't have time to wave back, she was busy being dragged away by her dad. He was yelling at her too…she hadn't had any idea that Minori's dad was like that, kind of like her dad.
Though she couldn't really imagine dad caring that much about her.
Shigeko held her arms close to her chest. Minori got dragged into her dad's car and then it drove off so fast that the tires squealed. The whole time he had been yelling about how Shigeko was a bad influence on her. Shigeko hadn't even tried to correct him, better he thought that Shigeko was the bad influence than think badly of Minori…even though this had all been Minori's idea to begin with…
That was mean.
Shigeko had been a good friend up to this point, there was no need to break the streak. Even if she was cold and alone and embarrassed. Minori had told her to wait for her boyfriend so that was what she was going to do, wait, even though she wanted to go home more than anything else in the world. Even though she knew that mom wasn't going to take any of this well…but that was alright. She was a good friend…or maybe she just wanted Minori to think that she was a good friend. Maybe she wasn't doing this to try and be good at all, maybe she just liked being liked.
It was better than being disliked.
It was better than being ignored. If she could just get someone to like her then she didn't care what happened to her. She'd stand here all night if she had to…though she really hoped that it wasn't going to come to that. She just had to tell Minori's boyfriend that she'd been caught by her dad and that she wasn't going to stand him up. It would be quick and then she could go home and pretend that none of this had ever happened. That she had never gone to a place like this before.
Even if it was kind of pretty.
Purple was a nice color, not as nice as pink, but Minori liked purple. That was why she had picked this place, probably. It looked cool, like a castle, though not as nice as the ones at Disneyworld. Not as nice as she imagined the one at Disneyworld to be. She wondered what it was like in there, both that castle and this one…
No she didn't.
She didn't want to know what it was like in there! She didn't want to think about what the inside was like because then she'd end up thinking about what other things would be like and then…well she didn't want to think about what would happen 'and then'. It wasn't like she would ever get the chance to find out what it was like, even if Minori looked for a hundred years she'd never find someone for Shigeko, so there was no point in thinking about it. No point in wondering about it. What it was like to kiss a boy or…or any of the things that came afterwards.
Especially not with 'that' boy.
The boy who was not, not, not supposed to be on her mind! The boy who she wanted to…who she didn't want anything with or from or…or maybe she just wasn't letting herself want anything? Of course she wasn't letting herself want anything. It wasn't fair…it didn't feel fair…but life wasn't fair. If life was fair then her parents would have loved her and her best friend would have been nice to her all the time and she would have been someone other than herself.
She should have been happy with what she had.
She should have been happy to just stand there and wait for who might have possibly been the nicest boy that she had ever met in her life. She should have been happy that she was even there and…well she didn't know why she would have been happy about that…but she should have been! She should have been happy or…or something else. Something besides whatever she was feeling right now.
Cold and kind of lonely and embarrassed but also…also a lot of other things.
Things that were getting worse. She could see him in the crowd, him or someone else with blond hair. She didn't know if it was him and maybe it wasn't or…or maybe it was. She didn't know. She shouldn't have been looking for him, she shouldn't have been excited to see him, and she certainly shouldn't have been thinking about what it would have been like to-
"Shigeko!"
Oh no! It was him and he saw her and she…she had to run! No, she had to hide! No, she had to be stay here and do what Minori had told her to do…but she just…she had to figure something out! It was like every single part of herself was fighting with every other part of herself. Like there was a big debate in her mind and she was somehow losing even though she was arguing with herself and-
"I knew it was you.". He was right there in front of her. She had spent too much time thinking about what to do, so much time that she didn't even have time to do anything! Not that she had even figured out what to do then…and she had no idea what to do now!
Something. She had to do something.
"Goodbye!" said Shigeko with a wave. He looked at her like she was weird…wait…what had she said?
"I mean hello! Hi. Hi, how are you? How…how was your day?" asked Shigeko. None of those were right, were they? She was such an idiot and now he thought that she was an idiot and he was probably thinking, right now, about how he wanted to get away from her and…and shouldn't she have wanted that?
"Fine, and yours?" asked Teru. He didn't even laugh at her. He was talking to her like normal and…and that was all the talking that she was going to do with him.
"Fine, my day was fine…um…but Minori's wasn't. She told me to tell you that she's not standing you up, her dad just found her, and then he dragged her all the way home. Or someplace else, I didn't have time to ask so…um….that's all there is." Said Shigeko. He was still looking at her….why were his eyes so blue? Why did they have to be so blue and why did he have to be so tall and why did his jacket have to look so good on him?
She had to be a good friend and good friends did not think about their friend's boyfriends like this.
"Oh." Said Teru
"Um…oh? Sorry. What's oh?" asked Shigeko
"Just taking this whole thing in, that's all." Said Teru. Shigeko nodded. It must have been a lot to take in, the person that you loved not being able to do love stuff with you. He must have been so sad.
"It's a lot. I mean this has never happened to me before but it seems like it's a lot so…um…I'm sorry." Said Shigeko
"You don't have to apologize, you had nothing to do with this." Said Teru
"I know that I didn't but I feel like maybe I should have done something. I mean I told her dad that this was all my fault but…I don't know. I should have been a better friend." Said Shigeko
"You were a good friend, you always are." Said Teru. Shigeko pushed her hair behind her ears, mostly so she could have something to do with her hands. They were shaking, she was shaking, maybe because of the cold…or the warmth? She had never felt this warm in her life.
"Thank you…but we're not…I mean we aren't friends like me and Minori are friends." Said Shigeko quietly.
"We're friends, at least I consider us to be friends, but if you don't want to be my friend then-" said Teru
"No! I mean yes! I mean…I mean I want to be your friend…we are friends." Said Shigeko quietly. She looked down. She couldn't look at him any longer. She had been looking at him for so long and…and it was pretty much turning into staring…but she couldn't help but stare at him. He was just so…him.
"Are you alright?" asked Teru, taking a step closer to her.
"Y-yes!" said Shigeko. She didn't know if she should have taken a step back or forward…so she stayed where she was.
"Really?" asked Teru, stepping even closer to her. She shouldn't have stayed in place. Now he was even closer to her than he had been before, so close that she could have counted his eyelashes if she had wanted to…and also if he hadn't been so blond. She could barely even see his eyelashes. Maybe if she got even closer.
"Yes. I'm perfectly fine." Said Shigeko quietly. She looked down. Their shoes were close together, so close that he was nearly standing on her feet.
"You don't seem like you're fine." Said Teru before he reached out and-oh! His hand was under her chin and his fingers were so soft and he was tilting her head upwards and he was so close and he smelled so good and-
-and she took a step back.
"Hanazawa." Said Shigeko. There was space between them now. A normal amount of space. The kind that normal people normally put between them. This was perfectly normal but…but it felt like too much. Maybe because what had just happened had been too much…or nearly too much.
"Teru, please." Said Shigeko. She was warm, so warm, even as the cold wind whipped her hair into her face. She tried to brush it back but the wind kept on blowing. It was almost like it was trying to push her into him.
She wasn't going to let it. She couldn't.
"Please 'yes' or please 'no'?" asked Teru, his voice kind of low but nice…really nice.
"Please…why?" asked Shigeko
"Why what?" asked Teru
"Why are you being like this? You…you like Minori." Said Shigeko
"Yes, but I also like you." said Teru. Shigeko had to foce her heart to keep beating. He probably didn't mean it the way that it sounded.
"But she loves you." said Shigeko. This didn't make any sense. Teru loved Minori and she loved him, that was why they had agreed to meet up there and do the kind of things that you did when you loved someone.
"Did she say that?" asked Teru. Shigeko had to think. She knew what Minori had said…she had said that she liked him but…but had she said that she loved him? She couldn't really remember…they had said so much…but Minori must have been in love with him.
Right?
She was his girlfriend so that meant that she loved him…but she had also said, before, that you had to have a boyfriend to do things with otherwise it was wrong. So maybe that was why she liked him. Shigeko didn't know why she liked him, too, she had said that he got her but…but did he really? How could he have understood her if he was as nice as he was? She just liked him, probably, because he looked nice.
There was more to a person than how they looked…but that didn't matter because he wasn't her boyfriend!
"It doesn't matter. You're her boyfriend, not mine, and…and you don't mean it the way I think that you do and even if you did then….then I don't know!" said Shigeko
"Shigeko-" said Teru
"I mean you're nice to me, nicer than anyone's ever been to me before, and I…I don't-" said Shigeko
"I'm sorry." Said Teru. Shigeko forgot what she had been about to say.
"You didn't do anything. I'm the one who…who thinks about you." said Shigeko
"I did do something, I pushed you into something that you don't want to do. I'm sorry, I'll never speak to you again if that's what you want." Said Teru
"What I…what I want?" asked Shigeko. She didn't know what she wanted. She knew what she didn't want. She didn't want to never talk to him again, to never be around him again, and…and there must have been something between what she wanted and what he thought that she wanted.
"Yes, what you want." Said Teru
"I want…I don't want to never talk to you again. I know what I don't want but I don't know what I…what I do." Said Shigeko softly. It was the truth…but maybe this wasn't the time to be telling the truth. Even though she wanted to. She wanted to tell him how she felt and…and she wanted to be with him…she wanted a lot of things that she shouldn't have.
"Well I know what I want to do. I want-" said Teru before there was a loud thunderclap and the sky opened up. A rat ran across her feet. She jumped back and nearly slipped on the wet sidewalk.
Teru caught her.
"-to get out of the rain." Said Teru as he helped her to her feet. Every part of him left her but his hand. His hand met hers and he pulled her into the nearest building….
That just happened to be the one building that she knew she shouldn't have been in.
The inside was just as purple as the outside. The floor was a shiny black and purple tile, the walls were purple velvet, and the curtains were purple silk. The curtains were over pictures of the outside. There weren't any windows here, even the front doors had frosted purple glass. There was no way to see in or out.
A person could have done anything in there and nobody would have been able to find out.
"Well that was certainly sudden." Said Teru as he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the water from his face. Shigeko nodded, cold water dripping down her face and onto the floor.
"It…it was." Said Shigeko as he handed her his handkerchief. Their hands brushed. She didn't need it, she could feel the water evaporating off of herself.
"It doesn't look like it's going to be letting up soon. I hate the rainy season." Said Teru
"Is it the rainy season?" asked Shigeko
"I hope that it is, otherwise I don't want to know what the rainy season looks like around here." Said Teru with a laugh. Shigeko laughed too, after a second, a second too late. Now it just sounded awkward, her voice bouncing around the room. It was empty, so empty. There wasn't anyone else around. She didn't know why he was trying to fix his hair, it didn't matter. Nobody was around.
Nobody could see them.
"It's…it's rainy. That's why they call it the rainy season." Said Shigeko
"My hair is completely ruined." Said Teru as he ran a hand through his hair.
"Mine is too…I think." Said Shigeko as she took a section of her hair between her hands and wrang it out. Lighting flashed across the room, and then it was followed by thunder. She didn't know why she was wringing her hair out, it was just going to get wet again once she went back outside. Soon, too.
Mom was probably going to be worried about her…if she didn't get home soon it was going to look like she disappeared.
"No, you look perfect." Said Teru. Shigeko stopped wringing out her hair and wiped her hands on her skirt…which was also wet so she just made the problem worse.
"I-I should go, it's late and my mom is probably really worried about me and when she gets worried she gets mad." Said Shigeko
"You want to go out in this?" asked Teru, motioning towards the rain beating on the door.
"I don't want to but I have to or else my mom will be mad at me." said Shigeko
"She's probably already mad at you, it's pretty late." Said Teru. Shigeko checked her watch. At some point it had stopped. The second hand wasn't even moving.
"I don't want to make her madder." Said Shigeko
"I don't see why you have to go rushing home in the rain. How much madder at you can she possibly get?" asked Teru
"I don't know, I never asked but anyway I have to go home." Said Shigeko
"You could just stay here." Said Teru. Shigeko dropped the handkerchief. It fluttered to the ground. She didn't pick it up, she couldn't. How could she do anything after Teru had said something like that to her? Stay there, with him? What did he think…why would he…he knew what this place and why people stayed here and-
"I mean why waste the room?" asked Teru. Oh. That was what he'd meant. She picked up the handkerchief, she could move again. Of course that was what he had meant. Sure he had pretty much confessed to liking her…but he must not have meant it like that even though it seemed like he had. Shigeko was weird and she'd only had one friend in her life. Of course she was just overthinking things or thinking things wrong or just being weird. She was bad at these kinds of things, that was all.
"Do you mean that you just want to wait out the rain or…" said Shigeko
"Or?" asked Teru
"Nothing. Just…ok. Let's wait out the rain." Said Shigeko. She wasn't going to bring it up if he hadn't meant it like that. She wasn't going to start putting ideas out there, ideas like them using the room for it's intended purpose. That would have been way too much to have just out hanging in the air, the atmosphere, between them. What the room was for.
What this place was for.
Shigeko tried her best to ignore the fact that this building was full of couples and they were all doing things. She tried her best to ignore it as they crossed the lobby, went up the elevator, and then down the hall to their room. She managed to ignore it until the door to their room shut. Then she couldn't ignore it. There was just one bed, after all, in the middle of the room. It was purple like everything else. That didn't help.
She didn't know why it would have.
She didn't know where she was supposed to go or what she was supposed to do. There was a bed in the middle of the room, a tv across from it, and a bathtub in the corner. There was a door. She could see a bathroom through it…so why was there a big bathtub over there if there was a bathroom? She didn't know, she had never been in a hotel room before, not even a normal one. Maybe it would have been better if she'd had. Then she would have known what to do, had something to do, besides standing in the doorway dripping water everywhere.
The carpet was soaked.
Teru, though, seemed to know what to do. He walked right past her and took off his coat. She looked away…oh. He was just leaving it out to dry on the side of the big bathtub. That was good…it really was. She didn't want anything else, she couldn't want anything else, certainly not what she thought was going to happen. She had seen this in a movie before. There had been a big storm and these two people who weren't a couple wound up getting stranded so they had to walk to this inn in the forest and there was only one room left and it had one bed so they had to share and then they realized that they were in love with one another and also there was something about saving the world, she had only been paying attention to the parts where the people fell in love.
Those were the most important parts, after all.
"Way too much purple." Said Teru as he sat down on the bed.
"What?" asked Shigeko
"This room. There's way too much purple. You can't just have purple on purple on purple, you need to offset it with another color. Either something neutral like white or black or something complementary like some kind of yellow." Said Teru
"Pink would be good too…maybe." Said Shigeko
"You think?" asked Teru
"I just like pink." Said Shigeko as she played with the end of her hair. Still wet. She was still soaked all the way down through her uniform. She didn't have a change of clothes, well she had her gym clothes in her bag, but those were all sweaty and dirty and gross. Also if she changed that would involve taking her clothes off here and she didn't want to.
She didn't know where that would end up taking her and she didn't want to find out.
"Pink is alright, I guess, but I think that blue would be better for you." said Teru
"You don't think that blue makes me look like a ghost?" asked Shigeko
"Of course not." Said Teru
"Oh…ok. Minori just said that it did." Said Shigeko. Maybe if she reminded him of his girlfriend then he wouldn't start thinking anything about her that he shouldn't have…and maybe if she reminded herself that Minori was his girlfriend she wouldn't think anything about him. Like how nice he looked with wet hair. Or how his shirt was kind of transparent when it was wet. Or other things that she really shouldn't have been thinking about at all.
"Her sense of color is questionable." Said Teru
"But…she's your girlfriend." Said Shigeko
"So?" said Teru
"You can't think badly of your girlfriend, that's not how it works." Said Shigeko
"She and I…we don't always mix well." Said Teru. Shigeko didn't know what he meant by that. Mix well? If they didn't well then why had he been planning on bringing Minori here? Mix well…well, Minori could kind of be a hard person to get along with sometimes. She could be kind of mean, and demanding, and sometimes she made you do things that you weren't comfortable with…
She could kind of see why Teru would think something like that. That they didn't mix well together.
"I'm sorry." Said Shigeko
"Don't be, you had nothing to do with it." Said Teru
"I know that I don't but I still feel sorry for you…for the both of you. It's got to be hard. I mean I don't know for sure, I've never had a boyfriend before." said Shigeko
"It's not that hard, not any harder than standing there and freezing to death, anyway." Said Teru as he waved a hand in her direction. She shivered. It was kind of cold in there. Maybe that was why there were so many blankets on the bed…the very warm looking bed.
"I'm not going to freeze to death. It takes a lot longer to freeze to death than this, I think." Said Shigeko
"I don't want to test it. Come over here, you can't possibly be comfortable over there." Said Teru
"I can't." said Shigeko quickly
"Why not?" asked Teru
"Because you're over there." Said Shigeko telling the whole truth. She knew how it sounded, mean, and she knew that he was probably going to kick her out for being so mean to him…and maybe she wanted that. Maybe him kicking her out would be a good thing, that way she wouldn't have to argue with herself over what to do. Yes, it would have been…thinking about it made her feel so sad…but not normal sad…a deep sort of sadness. Sadness and loneliness. Being close to someone, as close as you could be to them, and then being all alone out in the cold…
It wasn't something that she ever wanted to feel for real. Ever.
"And?" asked Teru
"And I'm over here. I should stay over here." Said Shigeko
"You don't have to be afraid of me, I'm not going to do anything." Said Teru
"It's not about you doing something, it's about me doing something." said Shigeko
"So you want to do something?" asked Teru. Shigeko looked down at her shoes and nodded. She was standing in a puddle and it was only getting worse. Maybe if she was lucky enough she'd drown in it.
"I don't know what I want…" said Shigeko
"There's robes, if you want to change out of that wet uniform. I don't think that you want to get sick." Said Teru as he pointed to one of the two purple robes hanging on the wall. He was right, she didn't want to get sick. She knew that if she came home sick mom would be even madder at her than she was already.
Also it was very cold in there.
"You're right, I don't." said Shigeko. She slipped her shoes off and crossed the room in her wet socks. She left footprints in the rug as she walked. Her socks were as socked as the rest of her, those would have to go too. She took the robe into the bathroom and tossed it over the sink.
The door was closed. This was a different room. This was ok.
This was perfectly fine. She wasn't doing anything wrong. She kept on telling herself that. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she wasn't going to do anything wrong, so this was ok. She told herself that as she hung up all of her wet clothes over the shower curtain bar. She was naked…but not really.
Not really.
Because she had a layer of clothing over herself and therefore she wasn't naked and therefor this was ok. She was ok. She squeezed the last of the water out of her hair and then…well she had nothing to do. She could hide in the bathroom all night, or at least until the rain stopped, but…was that rude? Leaving someone alone like that? If it was rude then she had to come out…and she wasn't going to be rude. Being rude was being mean and she wasn't a mean person.
Or at least she didn't want to be.
She nearly slipped as she made her way back to the door. The tile was wet from where she had dripped. Maybe she should have stayed in the bathroom, maybe that had been a sign, or maybe it had been a sign that she had to leave the bathroom. There was carpet in the actual room, all of this tile was cold, and…and that was another reason to go back to the room. If she felt cold then she would get sick and if she got sick then mom would be mad at her…madder than she was now.
So, really, Shigeko had no choice.
She opened the door slowly and quietly, so slowly and so quietly that she hadn't even made a sound. Teru had his back to the door. She could hear the sound of glass bottles clinking. She hoped that it was the sweet kind of wine, dry wine was terrible unless you mixed it with something sweet like soda, or maybe vodka-
She had to stop watching so much TV.
"Hey Shigeko, come check this out." Said Teru as he turned around. She didn't know where to look. He was wearing the exact same amount of clothing that she was wearing so it wasn't weird…but it felt weird. Good weird and bad weird.
"What's there to-to check out?" asked Shigeko
"There's a free minibar. I mean money isn't an object for me, of course, but still." Said Teru as he held up a tiny bottle of sake. Shigeko shook her head.
"Sake isn't good." said Shigeko
"It's not?" asked Teru
"It's not…I mean I feel like it's not. I feel like it tastes like burning no matter how much you drink it and it's one of those things that people drink when they want to feel fancy. Like really old wine…I don't know, I watch a lot of tv I guess." said Shigeko quietly. She'd never had a drink in her life, what did she know? Nothing, and she didn't get to tell people what was and was not good. Teru shouldn't have listened to her…
But he did.
"If you say it's terrible then it's terrible. How about wine? Do you like wine?" asked Teru as he put the tiny bottle down and picked up another one. He had listened to her…he hadn't had to listen to her but he had anyway. That was…it was…he was…
Nice. Really nice.
"It…it depends on what kind of wine. I mean there are kinds I'd like to try." Said Shigeko. She got the feeling that she would like wine. It was just one of those weird feelings in the back of her mind. One of many that made no sense. One of many that she wasn't going to question anymore.
Questioning these sorts of feelings meant acknowledging them and acknowledging them made them real and if they were real then she was weird.
"Do you think you'd like this kind?" asked Teru as he held up the bottle. The label was too small for her to read from that distance. She got closer before she could even think about it. It only took two steps before she was right next to him.
The room had gotten smaller, it felt like…another crazy thought that she couldn't make real.
"Strawberry…it's good. I mean it feels like it's good." said Shigeko. Teru undid the top and handed it to her. She drank it without even thinking. There was something familiar to this, very familiar. She wasn't going to try and place it. She was just going to drink, it was the kind of thing that made you feel better.
She finished the bottle. She felt better.
"There's plum, too, if you want another." Said Teru as he scooted over and made room for her. She took it from him and sat down. There was nothing wrong with sitting down, not if she wasn't planning to do anything. By the time she finished the second bottle her mind got a lot clearer. Less worry, more fog, but a lot less worried. She was the boss of herself and if she didn't want to, plan on, doing anything then she wouldn't.
She didn't have to do anything that she didn't plan on doing, even if she wanted to.
"Is orange wine any good?" asked Teru holding up another bottle.
"No, not really. I mean if you mix it with something like lemon lime soda it's ok…I think. I don't know, this is the first time I've ever drank anything other than water or milk, or soda, or broth, or juice. Just not wine, which is like juice but not…juice. Sorry. I forgot what I was saying for a minute." Laughed Shigeko
"You were talking about different kinds of drinks you liked. Personally I've always been partial to tea." Said Teru
"What kind?" asked Shigeko. Tea was alright, just alright. Milk, especially strawberry milk, was better for the taste and coffee was better for waking you up. Milk and coffee were the best combination in the morning…not that she'd ever had coffee before. Not that she could remember…she was probably just thinking of all the times that she'd seem Mom take a drink. Yes, that was it. She couldn't think crazy thoughts like that now, not when she was with him, not when she couldn't afford to feel bad like she did whenever she thought too hard about those crazy sorts of thoughts. She was finally feeling good.
She wasn't going to ruin it.
"Anything spicy or floral. Have you ever had rose tea?" asked Teru. Shigeko leaned back on the bed and pulled her legs under herself. There, that was much better.
"No, I didn't even know that they made rose tea…but now I kind of want to try it. I like pink…but you knew that already." Said Shigeko
"It's not pink unless you color it but food coloring has it's own taste and it ruins the tea. Believe me, I've tried." Said Teru
"You're not afraid?" asked Shigeko
"Of tea?" laughed Teru
"No, of people making fun of you. I mean boys aren't supposed to like pink." Said Shigeko
"Who cares what other people think? I like what I like." Said Teru
"I wish that I was as brave as you. I don't even know what I like most of the time…other people just tell me what I like. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even allowed to figure out what I like." Said Shigeko softly
"You like to drink." Said Teru
"I don't know. Maybe? This is the first time that I've ever had a drink." Said Shigeko. She didn't even know if she liked this. It made her feel good, and warm, and it tasted…alright. She could get it down. Juice was better. Maybe if she'd had some juice then she could have made it better…or maybe she'd had enough.
She had, at some point, scooted closer to Teru without even noticing.
"Are you sure? Because you're pretty good at this." Said Teru
"I know, it's weird. I've never been good at anything before but, now, I find something and it's drinking." Said Shigeko
"Well, it's not like anyone's bad at drinking." Said Teru as he took a much smaller sip of his bottle. Shigeko felt bad, she was nearly on her third. Maybe she wasn't good at drinking. She felt something in her mind, something about moderation and why it was important.
"You can be bad at drinking, like a baby can't really drink without getting all wet, or people who forget to drink and then end up dehydrated. So maybe I'm not good at drinking…of course I'm not. I'm not good at anything." Said Shigeko
"Don't be that way, you've got to be good at other things." Said Teru. Shigeko shook her head. The bottles on the bed rolled off and hit the floor. A couple of them. Teru caught one with his foot and kicked it up wards and caught it. Before Shigeko could even think about it she was clapping.
She stopped herself.
"Sorry, that was just really cool and…sorry." Said Shigeko. She leaned forward and let her hair fall down over her face. She was such a weirdo and-
And her hair was brushed out of her eyes.
"Don't be sorry, I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't wanted to impress you." said Teru. His hand was still on the side of her face and he was close, so close…
"You…you learned how to do that…just to impress me? People, sorry. People." Said Shigeko, reaching for another tiny bottle…right, she had finished hers. She was starting to feel light headed and warm…if it was from the wine she wanted to keep it up but if it was from him then she wanted to…then she needed to stop. She needed to sit back, lean back, maybe even leave. Go out into the cold and rain in the middle of the night….
"Sort of. I learned that from soccer but, yeah, I did that just now to impress you." said Teru. She stayed where she was. She was…she was on her side of the bed and…and this was alright since nothing was happening. Yes, this was ok. If she had wanted something to happen then it would have happened. It wasn't like there was a lot separating them…
She reached up closed her robe.
"Why would you want to impress me?" asked Shigeko. She closed her robe tighter around her neck. There was no reason that Teru should have been able to see anything. She didn't even want…she didn't know what she wanted. She couldn't figure it out.
"Because I like to see you smile." Said Teru. He was smiling too…and his smile made her want to smile so now they were caught in this weird smile loop…so this part was ok, right? It was just a smile, that was all, a smile.
"There's nothing special about my smile." Said Shigeko, trying and failing to get rid of the smile on her face. It was hard, though, because being near him always made her feel so happy…happier than she usually felt in her life.
"You don't smile that often." Said Teru
"I don't really have a reason to…usually." Said Shigeko
"That makes the times that you do smile all the more special." Said Teru. His hand was still on the side of her face. She leaned away from him….and then back into it.
"I'll try to make myself smile more often then." Said Shigeko
"Or maybe I could." said Teru, his thumb stroking the side of her face. She felt shivers go up and down her spine. Good ones.
"Teru…" said Shigeko. She needed him to stop. She needed…she wanted him to keep going but she needed him to stop.
"Good or bad?" asked Teru
"Good, but-" said Shigeko
"And this?" asked Teru as he let his fingers travel down the side of her face and to her neck. She took in a deep, shuddery breath. Her last breath. Once he made it down her neck she had forgotten how to breath. He didn't stop there, he brushed the robe from her shoulder…it was just a shoulder. She didn't need to be all weird, it was just a shoulder, and shoulders were just…just shoulders…
Just a shoulder was ok, right?
"How about this?" asked Teru as he put his other hand on her shoulder, pushing her robe aside in the process.
"I…I don't know….this is nice…" said Shigeko as she held her robe closed in the middle. He was so close and…and this was so nice.
"You like this?" asked Teru as he traced up and down her shoulders.
"I'm not sure…I've never done this and…and this is…I don't know if this is ok." Said Shigeko, goosebumps dancing across her body, spreading from the skin his hands touched. She felt so warm and cold at the same time, dizzy and alert, happy and worried…so many contradictions…like a big, contradiction milkshake…
"Do you want me to stop?" asked Teru
"No, but what I want doesn't matter." Said Shigeko. He stopped. He held his hands there but stopped…leaving her all shook up. She leaned into him before she could stop herself.
"Why not? It's just you and me, and I'm not complaining." Said Teru
"You're not…you're not mine." Said Shigeko, forcing herself to lean away from him. Just a little, just enough so that her back hit the pillow behind her. That was why…what made it hard to lean all the way back…too much effort. Too much to do…that was all.
"I don't belong to anyone." Said Teru
"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that…that you're not my boyfriend. You're my best friend's boyfriend and this is…this is wrong." Said Shigeko
"I like you, you like me, and there's no one else in here. How is this wrong?" asked Teru, both of his hands making their way to the middle of her chest. Right above her heart. Right above…right above where she wanted him to touch…where she knew that she shouldn't have wanted him to touch her.
"It just is. I shouldn't want this…I shouldn't want to do this." Said Shigeko
"But you do want to do this?" asked Teru
"Yes…oh yes…" said Shigeko as his hands went down lower on her chest. Lower but not where it was obviously wrong and…and if it wasn't obviously wrong than it was ok. One of his hands was right in the middle of her chest and the other…she had lost track of the other.
"And I want to do this." Said Teru. Oh…there was the other. It was on her leg, her knee…and knees were ok…knees weren't anything. They were just skin and bones and…and not wrong…so this wasn't wrong yet.
"Y-yes…" said Shigeko. His hand was going up past her knee now. Up to her thigh…but thighs were ok because they were attached to knees and if knees were ok then thighs were ok and…and this was still ok. She would stop this when it stopped being ok, when she started to do something wrong, something that was totally wrong…
This was…not right…but not totally wrong either…
"Then why not do this?" asked Teru, the hand on her chest going lower and the hand on her leg going higher. She was so…she didn't really know what to call this feeling. Lightheaded but in a good way. Excited but…but more than that. She had to lean back. She pushed the pillow away…
There was a lot of bed behind her.
"Because I shouldn't want to do this." Said Shigeko. She was on her back, now, and…and that was ok because this was a bed and beds were for laying down and…and he was laying down next to her, kind of on top of her, but that was ok too because….because this was a bed and…and some other reason that would come to her later.
"Shigeko, you don't have to do anything." Said Teru, before he most certainly did something that she shouldn't have wanted him to. She should have squeezed her legs shut and pushed him off of her. She should have run nearly naked from the room and all the way home. She should have found a phone, called Minori, and begged for her forgiveness.
She didn't.
Like Teru had said, she hadn't had to do anything. So she didn't. She just did what she wanted…she let what she wanted happen to her…mostly. At some point she had done what she wanted…and again…and again. She knew what she was doing, she knew that it was wrong, and she knew that she was being a terrible friend and human being but…but in the moment she hadn't thought about all of that. She was selfish…she was a terrible person. She wanted to be a better person than she was and…and it hadn't worked out. She hadn't been able to stop herself in the end. She hadn't been able to do the right thing. She had just thought about how much she wanted this and how good it felt. That night she hadn't thought about how incredibly terrible she was.
No, that was something that came to her in the morning.