Mistakes had been made.
That was passive voice. She had learned about active and passive voice in school. Active voice would have been 'Shigeko had made a mistake' or 'Shigeko had betrayed her only friend' or 'Shigeko deserved to starve to death in a traitor hole for what she had done'. Active voice made all of this seem like it had been her fault. Passive voice made it seem like it had been something that had happened to her.
Mistakes had been made.
Wonderful mistakes had been made. That was how it had felt, wonderful. Laying down with him, holding him, being held by him…kissing him and being kissed by him. Touching him and being touched by him…all the things that had come afterwards. Having him inside of her. Feeling what it felt like to do that with someone. She had heard before, many times before, that it was supposed to hurt the first time. But it hadn't hurt. It hadn't even been uncomfortable. It had been more than comfortable…it had been perfect. From start to finish, over and over again, all night until she fell asleep. It had been perfect.
It had been a mistake. A mistake had been made.
And now she had to deal with the consequences.
"Are you awake?" whispered Shigeko. She wanted to wake him but also she didn't. It was weird, holding two different ideas in her head at the same time. It felt like she wanted to lay there with him forever, even if they weren't going to do it again she still wanted to be with him, but she also wanted to get up and run away before they could even begin to talk about the mistake that they had made. That she had made. That had been made.
A mistake had been made.
"No?" whispered Shigeko. He was still asleep, it looked like. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavy. He was so beautiful when he slept, not that she had ever called a boy beautiful before. She had never thought to call a boy anything like that before. He was a boy and boys were handsome, an old fashioned sort of word that she had only heard her mom use, a word that she knew she was supposed to use…
It didn't fit him.
It didn't fit the way the light got caught in his golden hair. It didn't fit the way his eyelashes rested on his cheeks. It didn't fit the color of his eyes, a shade of blue she had never seen before, and it didn't fit the rosy red color of his lips or the freckles that lined his back and shoulders…handsome didn't fit him. Beautiful did. It fit him and…and it was amazing that someone so beautiful wanted something to do with someone like her.
It was amazing that someone like him was all for her.
"No!" gasped Shigeko. Teru stirred beside her, rolling over and further pinning her arm under his body. She deserved that for ever thinking something so terrible. He wasn't for her, he was for Minori. He was Minori's boyfriend. He was her boyfriend and she loved him and she was the one who was supposed to be here, in Shigeko's place. She was the one who was supposed to have done all of that with him. She was the one who was supposed to feel as good as a person could feel, to feel as loved as a person could be loved, to want as much as a person could want…it was supposed to have been Minori.
Even though it wasn't fair.
Minori already got everything that she wanted. She got to be pretty and popular, she got a Dad who loved and cared about her, and a Mom who had loved her when she had been alive. Shigeko knew that it was terrible to even think thoughts like that, she should have been grateful that her Mom was even around…alive, but she couldn't help it. Minori got everything that she, that Shigeko, had ever wanted but it wasn't enough for her. Why couldn't she just have one good thing for herself….just one?
She had one.
She had a friend, a good…a friend. Someone who wanted to be around her. Even though she was mean sometimes…a lot of the time. The more Shigeko thought about it the more she even wondered why they were friends…movement out of the corner of her eye. A spider in the corner making a nest. Everywhere was infested with them. Maybe because there were so many bugs around, spiders hung around bugs after all. Because they were food. Because they didn't want to go out and get the food themselves…because they were lonely. Because nobody else would put up with them…because they didn't want to do their own homework…because they needed someone to keep around to look better in comparison against…because they needed someone to give them an alibi….
It wasn't always nice to be needed.
When you were needed, when someone needed you, then they took from you and took from you until you had nothing left to give. Shigeko…she didn't have anything left to give to Minori…and it shouldn't have been unfair that Minori couldn't just let her have this one thing. That Shigeko couldn't have one thing in her life that made her happy…
"No." whispered Shigeko. People were not things. She didn't even know where that had come from. She took her eyes off of the spider and rested them on the PERSON in front of her. People were not things and Teru…as much as she wanted to be with him Teru was not her boyfriend. Those had been mean thoughts back there. She had things in her life, things that Minori wanted. She had more freedom, Dad may not have cared if she lived or died but at least she didn't have people following her around all the time. Mom, too, was alive. Mom may not have loved her but it wasn't like she was dead or…or gone. She had a family which was more than a lot of people had and…and she had to be grateful for what she had.
It was wrong to want more.
Sure, you could get what you wanted but you could, easily, lose what you had….not that she'd had much. She wanted…she wanted to be with him. She wanted to be with someone. She wanted someone who loved her and who she could love back. Someone who would always be happy to see her, someone who would always want her around, someone who would always think of her and…and put her first for once. Someone who she could have started a family with, a better family that she'd had, someone who she could have fixed all of the mistakes of the Suzuki family with…
She wanted to be with him…but it was wrong.
She had to go, to get up. She had to go. She had to…to get her arm out from under him. She slowly pulled her arm, slowly and surely, making sure not to jostle him too much. If he woke up then she had no idea what she would do. She wanted to do…a lot of things…with him. He had been so good at everything. She had heard that the boy was supposed to be bad at it, especially the first time, but he had known everything. He had been perfect at everything. She wondered if that had been just…just the way he had been last night or…
She got her arm free.
Now all she had to do was get dressed. Her clothes were just about everywhere. It was a race against no one to find them and put them on. She had never moved so quickly or so silently in her entire life. She had never been so motivated to move quickly and silently in her entire life. Gym class had nothing on this, having to get out of here because there were more awkward things to talk about than there already were…before there were more mistakes to be made…
She had found her sock, the last thing that she had been missing, and now she could leave him…leave all of these mistakes behind her.
She managed to slip her sock on and she would have been out the door and down the street if not for one little spider that had been on the floor. One little bug, no, one little arachnid that had chosen that moment to run across her foot. One little moment that she had chosen to take in the worst direction possible. She should have been smart and realized that it may have been gross but it was probably harmless. But no, of course not. She'd had to go and do the wrong thing…
A mistake had happened. Another one.
"No!" said Shigeko as she jumped backwards and landed against the bed. Teru woke up with a gasp. Shigeko jumped away from the bed like it had been on fire. She would have preferred that, actually, if the bed had been on fire. At least that way she would have had an excuse for wanting to run away…and for not being able to look.
She had seen him naked before, more than seen him, so why did she feel like this.
"Shigeko?" asked Teru as he sat up. Shigeko looked down at her socks. There was a rip, now, in the toe from all of her stumbling around. She poked at it with her other foot as the springs in the bed creaked and groaned. The last thing she wanted to do was look at him. If she looked at him then she was going to have no choice but to think about what she had done….what mistakes had been made.
What mistakes she kind of wanted to make again.
"Um…hi, I guess. Good morning." Said Shigeko
"You think it's morning?" asked Teru
"I….think so? I didn't check my watch but I know that I must have been asleep for a long time so…yeah. Good morning." Said Shigeko
"If you say so, Shigeko. Good morning." Said Teru. His voice turned her inside to butter, warm butter, the kind of butter you forgot about on the counter all night. The kind that spread really softly onto your toast without breaking it. She wanted so badly to look up at him…but she knew that she couldn't. He wasn't hers.
He was Minori's.
"I said, good morning." Said Teru as he made his way to the end of the bed. Shigeko could see his shadow being cast across her feet. She didn't look up. She didn't look up, either, when she felt his arms across her shoulders….or when his hand slipped under her chin…she made a point not to look at him.
So, of course, he gave her no choice.
"Shigeko?" asked Teru as he tipped her face upwards. Her eyes met his, they had nowhere else to go…why did his eyes have to be so beautiful? Why did HE have to be so beautiful? And why couldn't he have been for her. He was acting like he wanted to be hers. He was leaning in close like he was going to kiss her again.
She turned her head to the side, her eyes leaving his and meeting four pairs of beady, black ones.
"I can't." said Shigeko, keeping her eyes on the spider in the corner. Teru didn't let go of her face. If anything he worked harder at turning her face to the side, to see his, to meet his. His other hand was on her back. She knew what he wanted. He wanted to pull her onto the bed, to fall backwards and pull her down between his knees, to hike up her skirt and pull her on top of him…
Another mistake was not going to be made.
"What's wrong? Is it something I did?" asked Teru
"No, it's…it's something I did. I did something wrong." Said Shigeko as she took his hand in hers. She wanted to hold it, to press it against her cheek and lean into it, to lean down and kiss him…so she stopped all of that before it started. She pushed his hand into his chest and let go.
"Shigeko, you didn't. You did everything perfectly. You were amazing." Said Teru, reaching out with his other hand. It met hers…she let him hold it. This was so wonderful, so perfect, so…so…
So something that had to end.
"I wasn't amazing, I was terrible. I did something terrible and…and it can never happen again!" said Shigeko. She took both of her hands and crossed them across her chest. That wasn't enough space between them. She took a step back, and then another, and then another. He practically jumped off of the bed.
She kept on taking steps back.
"Why…why are you doing this to me?" asked Teru. Shigeko shook her head until she took her last step back. Her foot had hit the genkan. She had nowhere else to go…not unless she wanted to leave…but she did want to leave! She had to leave. Even though he was there and…and not dressed…and perfect. Beautiful. He was….he was…
He was NOT for her, that was what mattered most of all.
"Because you aren't…you aren't my boyfriend. You're Minori's boyfriend. You aren't mind, you're hers, and I never should have done this with you. We never should have made…we never should have let that mistake be made." Said Shigeko
"That wasn't a mistake, Shigeko, that was the greatest night of my life. I want to be with you, not her, and you rejecting me like this really hurts." Said Teru. He looked like he was going to cry. Tears were collecting in the corners of his eyes. She wanted to go to him, to hold him, to make everything better. It…it wouldn't have been wrong, right? If he wanted to be with her. If he wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with him then…then why couldn't they be together?
"I never meant to hurt you." said Shigeko softly as she took a step forward. Now it was her turn. She reached out and cupped the side of his face. He leaned into her hand, tears stinging her palm. She had never meant to hurt him, she had never meant to go this far, she had never meant for things to end this way…she had never meant for them to end.
She didn't want them to end.
"Then stop hurting me. I want to be with you, you want to be with me. Why are you rejecting me, then?" asked Teru. Why was she rejecting him? She wasn't doing anything wrong if…if he loved her…and she loved him back…but it was wrong to betray someone. Betrayers were traitors and traitors died in traitor holes for a reason…not that she was sure what one of those even was…but she knew she didn't want to end up in one and…and she knew…she knew…
She knew that she didn't want to be that person.
"Because Minori loves you and…and I do want to be with you, more than I've ever wanted anything else in the world. But I can't be with you. I'm not your girlfriend, Minori is." said Shigeko, letting go of him. She took a step back, and then another, and then one more so she could find her shoes. She needed shoes to leave and…and she needed to leave to be a good person. To be the person that she wanted to be.
She wished, wanted, hoped to be a good person even though she wasn't…even though trying to be good was so hard…
"Why are you so loyal to her? She doesn't even like you, she's barely your friend, but you're still giving up something you want more than anything else in the world for her? How does that even make sense?" asked Teru. Shigeko shook her head and slipped her feet into her shoes. Her schoolbag was, thankfully, right beside the door. She picked it up and took another step backwards, her eyes never leaving his. She wanted to be with him, she had to be with him, but she couldn't be with him, she…she wasn't his girlfriend.
She wanted to be but she couldn't.
"It doesn't…I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I have to hurt you and…and I'm sorry that I have to go!" said Shigeko as she grabbed the knob, threw the door opened, and then practically flew out of it. She ran down the hallway and to the staircase. She couldn't even wait for the elevator. If she was still for a moment then…then it might catch up with her. The mistakes that she had made…
The mistakes that had happened.
She had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and…and she couldn't even make herself believe that. A mistake had happened because of her, because she had chosen to make one. Because she had decided that she wanted to be with Teru…that he wanted to be with her. Actually, no, she didn't have the power to make a person fall in love with her, nobody had that kind of powers, and she didn't want it anyway. He had chosen to fall in love with her…
Why?
The answer didn't come to her. Maybe because she had been running too quickly. She had ran all the way home after all. One foot in front of the other, over and over again, until she outran the mistake…her mistake. Until the city became a blur of houses and cars, trees and clouds, and birds…there were so many birds out. It felt like she was being chased like in that old black and white movie Sho had…that she had seen on her own…it was like that. Just running from them as they chased her down…running from her mistakes…
Running from the terrible person that she was.
This was all her fault and she couldn't outrun herself. No matter how much her feet hurt, no matter how much it felt like her lungs were about to burst, no matter how much distance she put between herself and Teru she couldn't outrun herself. She was a bad person. She had done a bad thing and now she was a bad person…she had let him fall in love with her and…and now the only thing that she could do was spend the rest of her life locked away in her room until she got so old that she forgot that any of this had even happened.
That had been the plan, anyway.
Shigeko had been running so fast, focusing so much on running away from her mistake, that she couldn't stop herself from making another one as she ran into the house. She ran through the castle gates, up the path, and through the door. She threw it opened and tossed her bag onto the floor…loudly. Too loudly.
Loud enough that she had been heard.
"Shigeko!" shouted Mom. Shigeko heard her mom before she saw her. The whole house felt like it was shaking. The walls were shaking and growing, the windows were getting taller and slimmer, and the light felt like it was being choked out of the house…like it was running away…
It was a lot smarter than Shigeko, that was for sure.
"Mom? Um…hi?" asked Shigeko. She took a step back. Had Mom always been that tall? And had she always been so small?
"Don't you 'hi' me young lady, where were you all night?" asked Mom, crossing her arms across her chest. She was mad, anyone could have seen that she was mad, and Shigeko…the last thing she wanted to do was to make Mom any madder than she was now. If she knew the truth then…then Shigeko was done for.
"I was…not home." Said Shigeko. She needed to lie but…but she was tired of lying. That was Minori's thing. Shigeko had never been the kind of person who lied and she had never wanted to be that kind of person…and Minori didn't get to turn her into that kind of person.
Shigeko was already a bad person, she didn't want to make it any worse.
"Yes, Shigeko, I know. Now you tell me where you were." Said Mom
"I…I don't want to. You'll be mad at me." said Shigeko
"I'm already angry with you, Daughter, don't make it any worse." Said Mom. Mom was right, she was the maddest that Shigeko had ever seen her in her entire life. She didn't want to make it worse but…but how much worse could it get? Mom was mad at her and she was mad at herself. She didn't even know if anything Mom could do to her could make her feel any worse than she felt now. What could Mom do? Punish her? She was already punishing herself. Tell that she wasn't allowed to be friends with Minori anymore? That would have been a good thing, actually. Then Shigeko wouldn't have had to face up to the mistake that had happened…that she had made…
And she wouldn't have had to see Minori again, either.
She had never been a good friend, not really. Shigeko had never had a friend before and it had been nice having one but she knew that she could have gone back to being on her own if she'd had to. She knew how to be a friend, a good friend, even though she had never had one before. She knew that she never would have treated anyone the way Minori treated her, made anyone feel the way that Minori had treated her…at least one good thing was going to come out of this, she wouldn't have had to be friends with Minori anymore…
That shouldn't have been a good thing. There shouldn't have been any good things that could have come out of this.
"I don't…I don't think that I can make it any worse…" said Shigeko
"You've got that right-" said Mom
"I don't think that you can make me feel any worse than I've already made myself feel." Said Shigeko
"Do you want to test that theory?" asked Mom, clicking her tongue. No, of course Shigeko didn't want to test it. She already felt terrible. She didn't know what could have been any worse than this. She was turning into such a terrible persona and…and she had no idea how to fix it! She didn't want to be this person, the one that she was becoming, but she didn't know what to do and there was no one who could help her.
She was on her own…but she shouldn't have had to be.
"No…because it doesn't need to be tested. I feel terrible, really f-wording terrible, and…and it's all my fault! I messed up and I don't know how to fix it!" said Shigeko
"Maybe you shouldn't have messed up in the first place." Said Mom. How was Shigeko supposed to know not to mess up? Well she did, she knew that what she had done was wrong, but she had no idea how she was supposed to not DO the stuff she wasn't supposed to do in the first place. She had never had a boy be in love with her before, she had never liked anyone before, and…and she had no idea if she even liked him. Did she like him or the fact that he liked her? Or maybe she just liked the way he looked and the way he made her feel and…and what it felt like to do all of that with someone. Maybe all she wanted, really, was a boy to like her and to kiss her and to do all of that stuff with her…she had no idea. She had never gone through any of this before. She just…she just wished that someone could have warned her!
Someone who HAD gone through all of this before.
"That doesn't help, Mom, I already messed up and…and I don't know what to do. I can't go to you, I can't go to Dad, I don't have any friends I can go to…I feel so alone and…and you're supposed to help me with this kind of stuff!" said Shigeko
"How dare you-" said Mom
"You're my mom and you're supposed to be there, you're the one who's supposed to-to tell me what to do! You're supposed to know what to do when your best friend's, you only friend's, boyfriend is in love with you and you love him back!" said Shigeko
"Well, I never-" said Mom
"You're supposed to tell me that cheating is wrong, even if you aren't the one in a relationship, and you're supposed to tell me that it's wrong to fall in love with my best friend's boyfriend." Said Shigeko
"It sounds, Shigeko, like you already know that these things are wrong. I don't know how you'll benefit from me telling you things that you already know." said Mom
"I-I know that they're wrong but I just…I don't know what to do. I think that I love him but I'm not sure if I love him or I just want someone to love me and I don't know if I want to be with him or if I just want to do stuff with him and…and I know that it's wrong but also I don't know how it can be wrong if he wants to be with me and I want to be with him and…and I feel so lost, Mom, I feel so lost and alone…" said Shigeko. It hit her, then, that she had been feeling like that for…for a while. Maybe even her whole life. For as long as she could remember she had been all alone, nobody had been there to help her, and she'd had to figure everything out on her own….she didn't know what it was that she'd had to figure out…but maybe the 'what' of it didn't matter. She was supposed to have people there to take care of her but…but she hadn't.
She had always lived in the Castle with Mom but…but she had always felt all alone, too.
"Don't be ridiculous." Said Mom
"I am not being ridiculous! That's the way I feel all the time and….and I think that I've felt like this for a long time. For most of my life. I feel like you…like you can leave, like you will leave, at any time. I'm scared, Mom, it's like…it's like you're going to go and…and then I'll be all alone." Said Shigeko. Another feeling, the kind of feeling that told her that Mom was going to leave her. Shigeko didn't know where it was coming from but…but it wasn't fair, that was what mattered, the fact that it wasn't fair that her own mom had made her feel this way…
It wasn't her fault that Mom had made her feel this way.
"Well then maybe don't give me a reason to leave and you won't have to worry about such ridiculous things. Worrying about me leaving. Where would I go? This is my home. If anything you're the one who I need to worry about running away from home." Said Mom
"You-you don't have to worry about that…" said Shigeko. Mom did kind of have a point. She did things that made her Mom, and maybe even Dad too even though she didn't know where that was coming from, not like her so…so maybe she deserved it…but…but it wasn't like she had been told how NOT to do that stuff and…and maybe it wasn't her fault after all or…or maybe it was or…or…she didn't know!
"Don't I? Shigeko, you can't honestly think that I wasn't worried about you. You were out all night, and with some boy! My Daughter, who I have wasted my life raising, has been running around all night with boy's up and down this city-" said Mom
"It's one boy and we weren't running around. We were in one place and…and…." said Shigeko
"And you think that being in one place makes what you were doing any better? Going out, staying out all night, shaming me and this family-" said Mom
"I never meant to shame anyone, that's not what I was trying to do! What I was trying to do…I don't know what I was trying to do. I mean I'm trying to figure it out. I just…I don't even know what I thought was going to happen but I know that I wasn't trying to do…to do this and…" said Shigeko. She didn't know her goal had been. To be loved? To be cared for? To know what it was like to be loved or cared for…but that was a terrible reason to do something, to know what it felt like…even though she knew what it felt like and…and how fun it could be. How good it could feel. How…how wonderful it felt to have someone who wanted you…wanted to be with you.
"I know what you were doing, Shigeko, I know exactly what you were doing and I am not going to tell you that it was alright. What you did was wrong, very wrong, and I cannot condone this. I have no idea what else you could possibly want from me. We both know that what you did was wrong, we both know that what you did was shameful, and yet you expect me to worry about you? To worry about how you feel?" asked Mom
"Yes…I do. You're my mom, you're supposed to worry about me. About how I feel." Said Shigeko
"Well, I don't. I don't worry about how you feel because the things you feel make no sense. You're worried about me not caring about you? Then give me reason to care about you. You're worried about me leaving you? Then give me a reason to stay." Said Mom
"You're my mom. Unless…no, there isn't any unless. You're not supposed to leave. My job…my job isn't to make you stay…you're right, I'm the kid and you're supposed to worry about me running away. Not the other way around." said Shigeko
"You're responsible for yourself, Shigeko, you're nearly an adult-" said Mom
"I'm thirteen!" shouted Shigeko. She wasn't an adult and…and she was tired of having to be one! Everyone everywhere was always telling her that she had to be an adult, that she had to be in charge, that she could be in charge but she just…she couldn't do it! It was too much! She just wanted to…to go to school and make friends and hang out with people and have people like her who were allowed to like and…and people who she was allowed to like back! She didn't want to be an adult and…and she didn't want to live in the Castle anymore!
But she had always lived in the Castle.
Suzuki Shigeko had always lived in the Castle and she always would. She had always lived in the Castle with her Mom and Dad…a Dad that didn't even love her. That was why she never saw him. A Mom, too, who didn't even love her. That was why she had always been so mean. Even when Shigeko had been little Mom had always been mean to her. She had always been so…so…it had always felt like Mom had never wanted her around…
So maybe it was Shigeko's turn to not want Mom around.
At some point Shigeko had ran off to her room. She couldn't remember when. One minute she had been yelling at Mom and the next she found herself laying down on her bed. Her room was grey and cold, like the whole world was, and empty, too. Had her room always been this big? And what had happened to her dollhouse? It was as empty as her room, as the house, as the entire world.
The dolls are gone.
She could see from here, from her bed. All of her dolls had just gone somewhere…maybe she had put them away. Maybe she had listened to Minori after all of those times she had said that middle schoolers didn't play with dolls, that was a grade school thing….even though there was nothing wrong with playing with dolls. Dolls could be better friends to you than your friends in real life. Dolls could keep you company, could talk to you, could be there for you in ways that the people in your actual life could never be there for you.
Not that anyone in her life had ever been there for her.
Dolls could be anything. Friends, siblings, not so good friends, very good friends…lots of things, mostly things that she liked. Even best friends. If she'd had a best friend, a doll or a person, that best friend would have been laying there with her. They would have said 'it's ok, Shigeko, you're going to be ok' or 'you messed up but I still love you' or 'please don't drink your problems away because that'll ruin your life like it did mine and also stay the hell out of my drawer….'
Sometimes games got weird.
She kind of wanted a drink. She wanted…she had no idea why she wanted a drink, she had never drank in her life, but right now she just…she wanted to feel better. When you drank you felt better, your brain couldn't focus on the things that were upsetting you, and it was even better when you smoked…but not cigarettes…
She was kind of losing her mind, wasn't she?
She didn't really care. She didn't know what was wrong with her but….but she had other things to worry about. She was becoming something, someone, that she didn't want to be…but it wasn't her fault. Everyone else had made her this way. She needed to be in charge of herself and…and do the things that she knew were right or…or…
The things that made her happy.
There was a spider in her dollhouse, a big one. Big enough to be a garden spider. It had probably gotten that big from eating all of the bugs around them. Well, whatever. She didn't like it and…and she wasn't afraid of it. It was making her unhappy. She was a lot bigger than it, she had no reason to be scared of it. She had no reason to let something as small as a bug tell her what to do…who to be…
She didn't want to be someone who was afraid of bugs.
She sat up and grabbed one of her stuffed animals. She threw it at the dollhouse, scaring the spider. Not killing it…now it was just going to run around her room. Now she was going to see it later, when she least suspected it, and then it was going to ruin her day or night or whatever. She didn't want to have to worry about that…she didn't want to worry about anything…
She went to her desk.
She picked up one of her school books. Writing, Grammar, and You. A bookmark slipped out and fluttered to the ground as she raised it above her head. She'd pick it up later. She would study later…even though she didn't really know why she needed to know the difference between active and passive voice or any of that stuff she was supposed to study…it didn't even feel like it mattered…
Sometimes it felt like nothing mattered.
She threw the book. It hit the spider…and her dollhouse. The spider was squished but the dollhouse had gotten broken…she had broken the dollhouse. She could fix it, though, it wouldn't have been that hard to fix what she had done. Easier, really, to fix a dollhouse that had gotten broken than a mistake that had gotten made…
Easier to fix a dollhouse that she had broken than a mistake that she had made.