Techno Wars: Return of the Saint
Pairing: Lex ((Han Solo)) and Ebony ((Princess Leia Organa))
Other Charries: Jay ((Luke Skywalker)), Bray ((Obi-Wan Kenobi)), Jack ((Yoda)), Mega ((Lando Calrissian)), and anyone else you can think of.
Words: Gigli, Gucci, Germany, genocide
Sentences: "And where on earth are you thinking of putting that?", "Oh go kiss your reflection.", "You killed my father!"
Disclaimer: George Lucas, Seena's personal god for the rest of her life owns the great amazing totally awesome world that is star wars, that brought me the x wing series by Michael Stackpole, Jagged Fel, Lando, Han Solo, and Return of the Jedi. It also brought me the sexy voice of Darth Vader (James Earl Jones rules all people). Meanwhile, spaceballs is a Mel Brooks creation and some of its jokes will be featured as well. Finally, the tribe is still owned by Cloud 9.
Notes: Forgive me for such wrong filled behaviours but I must do this! Oh and Slade's character is supposed to be Dash- now if you don't the read the books- I'm sure your drawing a blank- but Dash in Shadows of the Empire (book in between Empire and Jedi)… is an old friends of Han's/Lando's whose on Tatooine that helps Luke and Leia out before they go to see Jabba.
Challenge by: Lie to Me
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(Narrative's Voice)
A short time in the near future, in a city far, far away…
"Does that mean it takes place in Germany?"
"No"
"Oh"
(Standard Music Ensue's)
Episode 205- Return of the Saint
Jay Skywalker, long time Techno under the reign of the Emperor Gel, and Darth Zulu- has decided to return to his roots in now the barren sector 10. Doubts fill his mind about what side of the war he should be.
What he doesn't know is Darth Zulu and The Emperor have moved forward with their evil plans to make a giant Virtual Prisoner called "The Virtual Deaththingy". With their new General, Ellie leading the way in her Gucci shoes.
Meanwhile, Queen Ebony and Lex Chewbecca have been sent on a mission to get aid from the Casino tribes in defeating the Techno's for the Mallrats… unaware of the upcoming betrayal and the upcoming fight for the galaxy…
"Hey idiot- if your done spoiling the movie now can you please shut up?" a voice shouted.
The narrator turns to the group of people sitting there, "Right sorry," she says quickly sitting down grabbing some popcorn as the movie starts.
"God this as bad as when she took us to see that Gigli movie," another snapped taking some more popcorn.
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(Sector 10)
The once amazing city that had been sector 10 was nothing but a rust bucket filled with fire, broken buildings, and trash all over it's streets. The once large capital city of Wellington had been turned to a dump- and the only place partially standing was the Mall.
The place that infamous Mallrat Tribe ran their headquarters in the fight against the Techno's. They had many leaders of the year- Amber, Bray, Jack, and Ved had all once been leaders but each had disappeared in their own right.
Control was now left to Senator Mouse, and Admiral Hawk. They're best milita run by the infamous pilot, Siva Antilles. However, what made them famous was their household Queen Ebony Vespia the 13th.
And now walking through the lonely streets still in his uniform, was Jay Skywalker. Jay knew he had been born a Mallrat but then something happened in his past to change his destiny… he just wasn't sure what.
But now under the advice of his now dead master and consultant, Jack- he was heading down the streets to find Bray Kenobi in hopes of some answers.
(Flashback)
"The techno's believe in genocide, young Skywalker. They mean to destroy this entire island- it's up to you to stop it…" Jack said in a slow hard voice.
"But how?" Jay inquired looking at him.
"You must go to sector 10 to find my former student, Bray. He is a master of the Sainthood as well. He still possesses a zapper- and will be able to teach you in the ways of the Schwartz," Jack commanded his red hair was now all gray and his face wrinkled clearly the virus had gotten to him and his days were numbered.
Jay nodded looking at the now fragile former teenage boy turned old short thin man in a matter of days thanks to the virus.
"Of course Master…. Jack… may the technology be with you"
"And to you fake blonde Barbie"
(Flashback ends)
Jay began to scope around slowly- checking in what seemed to be abandon warehouses, buildings, and parking lots- until he accidentally found a group of slave traders called the Nomads.
Naturally, they gave chase and without a proper weapon it seemed that Jay was finished until a figure in a brown robe came racing towards them ready to strike with some little thing- he pushed a button and then a red thingy came out of it.
Jay Skywalker gasped it was a zapper! The man fought them off and turned to him taking off his hood, "Are you okay?" the man asked dressed in some kind of weird net like white outfit with brown leather all over him.
Jay nodded slowly, "Where did you get that zapper from?"
"I've owned it for a while"
"Are you Obi-Wan Kenobi?" he inquired.
Bray looked him and shook his head, "No that was my brother's name- I am Bray Wan Kenobi," he replied.
"Did you know Master Jack?" Jay said looking him over- Jay always imagined that he'd be more buff and tall but for an old man he looked pretty good.
"He was my master- I take it you must be Jay Skywalker," Bray said to him looking at the fake blonde.
"How do you know my name?" Jay inquired.
"I knew your mother, Amber- and your father as well," Bray replied grimly.
"You knew them both!" he cried, "Is it true that Darth Zulu murdered my parents?" he said.
Bray looked down and nodded slowly, "Yes, its true- Amber was destroyed first and then Darth Zulu turned his zapper to your father…."
Jay covered his eyes briefly to stop the tears that were forming- that monster! That disgusting pig. He was going to pay for killing his parents- and then he'd save the city for the Mallrats and all the other prison filled Tribes everywhere.
Jay then walked up to a trash pile and began to climb it, then stuck his head in the air once he reached the top, and placed a hand over his heart and examined the sun, "I swear to all that is good and pure that I will save this city- starting with stopping Darth Zulu"
Bray just looked, "Er right- come on Jay- we have lots to do"
"Right".
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(Other side of the city)
"And where on earth are you thinking of putting that?" Ebony demanded turning to Lex as they started in on the casino entrance looking at his gun that he was holding.
Lex rolled his eyes and grabbed the gun and stuffed in his pants- Ebony's eyes flew open, "Are you crazy?"
"Well my crossbow is already out in the open- they see a gun we're not getting in to see Mega and you told me to put it somewhere. So I did," he argued.
"You're a pig!" she declared flipping her braids as she noticed him winking at a series of tribal woman.
"Oh go kiss your reflection," Ebony then to the women who were looking back, "He's got me already" she snapped.
They then let out groans as they went on their way.
"I'm a Wookman actually," he stated crossing his arms as they walked in and surveyed the scene and he winking at the other females as they walked towards a back building.
As they got to the back- with three men leading the way to back door curtain they were lead down a hall- Ebony crossed her arms and instinctively got herself closer to Lex.
"I don't like this," she warned.
Lex rolled his eyes, "Just stuff it for once babe- Sexy Lexy got this under control," he declared.
Ebony just glared as suddenly came face to face with a man with a serious expression- he had very short hair, glasses, and a sharp gaze, "Mega," Lex said.
Mega said nothing and just looked down- Lex was about to speak when suddenly Mega motioned two people to come out.
Right away a bounty hunter showed up- Lex let out a large growl in response and he looked at Mega.
Ebony looked thoroughly confused, "Who the hell is that?" she demanded looking over the guy.
He was dressed in some weird outfit, he had goggles on a hat over his head, blonde dread locks, and a dark smile on his face with some kind of weird uniform.
"His name is Darryl Fett- and Lex owes him a lot of money," Mega spoke calmly.
Lex turned his gaze to him, "You bastard- I came here for help- you said you would"
"And I will but the other part of my help was that- you were removed. You did agree," Mega said calmly.
"I didn't mean this way," he shouted.
"Well I'm sorry but there was nothing I could do," he then turned to Darryl, "He's yours now"
Darryl then smirked and Ebony let out a scream as Darryl shot Lex- and Lex slumped to the floor- he then turned to Mega, "I'll be taking my leave then- have fun," he said pushing past him motioning for two more men to take Lex.
Ebony tried to go after but then Mega grabbed her.
"Get off me! You jerk," she warned trying to hit him from behind but Mega only grabbed her tighter until Darryl was safely out of the way.
"Don't worry- we're really going after him," Mega whispered to her as Darryl started to go to his car- a police car.
Ebony turned to him, "If you meant to free him- then WHY didn't you when you had the chance?"
"Because he asked me to help the mallrats- part of that isn't just taking out the Techno Empire- but destroying the Hutt's as well," Mega answered.
Ebony gasped in shock and turned to him, "He works for the Hutt's!"
Mega nodded with a smirk on his face, "Trust me- you'll get Lex back- and some old friends by the time we're done"
Ebony couldn't help but smirk in return, "So what's step one then?"
"We have to go see my old friend- Lex's too- he's a real jerk- and real smooth- his name is Slade- and he knows Liberty and the Hutt Saloon back and forth," Mega told her.
"He knows Ruby the Hutt?" she said surprised.
Mega nodded, "Oh yea- now if you'll follow me"….
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(Sometime in the near future)
"They should all be asleep- get your stunners ready to go," Slade whispered to Ebony and Mega- and their troops.
By habit Ebony and Mega both tested their weapons triggers- and Slade started to peak into the building.
There Darryl looked like he was now was presenting a chained up Lex to Ruby the Hutt.
Slade nodded and then they ran into the Saloon…
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(The Techno Base)
They had done it… it was now a fight to the finish Bray Wan Kenobi, Jay Skywalker, Darth Zulu, and Emperor Gel all under one roof with zappers in hand.
Jay and Bray were fighting Darth Zulu while Emperor Gel watched on in amusement.
"Surrender now Jedi you don't have a chance," Darth Zulu proclaimed with laughter.
"We'll never give into you," Jay snarled as he moved to attack with his zapper as Darth Zulu countered another attack.
"You have no choice," Darth Zulu countered while charging full speed into Bray, Bray and Darth then started to fight.
It only happened in an instant but then- Zulu shot Bray in the heart and he slumped to the ground.
"NOOOOOOOO"
Darth Zulu and Emperor Gel let out dark mechanical laughs.
"Your next Skywalker!"
"Never- I'll never let you defeat. I know what you did. You killed my father!" he cried lunging towards Darth Zulu as Zulu again sent him flying.
"Your right! I just did in fact"
"Wha?"
"Oh you stupid little boy- I see no one told you- Jay… your mother's maiden name was Skywalker- Bray Kenobi WAS your father"
"NNNNNOOOOOOOO- YOU (censored word here people)"
Darth Zulu then let out another laugh.
"I'll get you for killing my parents!" he declared going to charge at Zulu again as Zulu ducked out of the way.
"Parents? Parents! Oh no your parents aren't dead Skywalker- just your father…. Your mother very much alive and standing before you," Darth Zulu cried.
She then lifted off her helmet and standing there in blonde zulu knots was Amber Skywalker herself.
"I KNEW you were too short for a man!" he exclaimed looking at his mother.
Amber then snorted and they went flying towards each other.
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"We did it- oh Lex I love you," Ebony cried lunging himself at him as they kissed.
Meanwhile Mega and Slade were locking up Darryl and Ruby.
"So this is victory one for the Mallrats," Slade exclaimed looking at his best friend.
Mega nodded, "Yea now they have to worry about disabling the Virtual Deaththingy, and Darth Zulu"
"Well Ram is handling the Deaththingy- the rest is up to that Barbie doll boy," Slade replied.
Mega nodded as they both looked out into the Night's sky.
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Jay watched as Amber fell to the ground screaming in pain holding onto her hair that Jay had cut off with his zapper.
"No NOT MY HAIR," she cried.
Jay laughed, "I have defeated your best warrior Emperor- give up now before it's too late- the deaththingy is already being destroyed as we speak," he reported.
"NEVER- If she can't fight you- then I WILL," Gel cried getting out from her seat.
She then raised her zapper and shot at Jay and fell down crying in pain- Gel then raced over to hurt him when in a desperate attempt to get free kicked her hand causing a nail to break.
Gel cried out, "NOT MY NAIL- NOOOO. I'M MELTING- MELTING," she cried holding her finger in pain crying in heap on the ground.
Jay let out a laugh and looked at her, "Now your empire is defeated," he proclaimed, "And the Mallrats have triumphed again," he said as he then turned to his mother, Amber who was in the corner huddled up.
"Amber…"
"Luke- I mean Jay- you have to go without me- soon I will die- my energy is wasted- I am spent force- you must go without me"
"But I can't leave you here"
"For once Jay you have to let me to do the right thing- go- go now before it's too late," she exclaimed
Jay then nodded slowly and ran off. Within minutes the building blew and the Mallrats had won back their city and peace was restored to the city- the end.
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"Oh Oh and then in the books- Jay gets married to this former bounty hunter named Java Jade. Lex and Ebony have three kids, one that dies too. Mega marries some smuggler girl named May. Slade is never heard from again- Ruby's daughter Lottie tries to kill Ebony and fails… and a whole bunch of other stuff"
"OH MY GOD- MUM- SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN. NOT ONLY DID SHE SPOIL THE MOVIE BUT NOW SHE TOLD US WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS," a girl screamed.
"SIVA STOP SPOILING THE MOVIE FOR YOUR COUSINS," Ebony shouted.
"Oh come on Mum- they wanted to know"
"NO WE DIDN'T," three voices chimed up.
"MUMMY- COUSIN SIVA RUINED THE MOVIE FOR US AGAIN," A boy shouted running to find his mother in the kitchen chopping up food.
Tai-san rolled her eyes and looked at him, "I'm sorry Johsua- how about this we get Daddy to read the book about Mega the casino smuggler"
"Yea," he said happily.
Tai-san smiled, "Oh Mega!"
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End- yea, I know. It was absurd, stupid, and so wrong but that was the idea. I decided why make a good mockery- a cheesy one would be so much better- besides it was tribal too. HA.