Techno Wars II: Hand of… Darth Zulu!
Challenge by: Lie to me
Disclaimer/Notes: I love George Lucas, my one true and only god. He is the sole reason I can enjoy life for longer than an hour a day (that one hour of happiness comes from Mega and Zoot in case you were wondering). He and Michael Stackpole are my purest form of worship. Without them there would be no Tycho Celchu, Wes Janson, Wedge Antilles, Han Solo, Darth Vader (though without James Earl Jones- there would be no Darth Vader love affair), or Jagged Fel (big on the Jagged love hour here)
To Mel Brooks for making me want to parody and make comedy everything. You are a god in your own right. For making more freaks like you.
To Raymond Thompson and the tribe- without him there would be no Mega nor Zoot, or Guardian, Tai-san, Jay hating purpose, torture Lex hour, Danni, Alice, Ryan, KC, Lottie, Mouse, Salene, May, Darryl torture hour, or anti hero worship. I thank them both for these creations for keeping me amused in my dark hours. For giving me ideas to make fanart when I got nothin' better to do except feel bad about myself.
For turning me into the insane comic not so genius that I am- that being said I own nothing below in context- please don't kill me, throw sticks, dance with a banana (really don't), claim that Alice in Wonderland/Willy Wonka are good movies (or else I'll kill you), say Monkey's are not evil (because they are), or sue (if want to though go ahead but warning I'm a freelance designer- we make shit pay).
Pairing: Mava
Other Pairings: Jack/Gel
Characters: Mega ((Luke Skywalker)), Slade ((Princess Leia Organa)), Jack ((Yoda)), Gel ((Mrs. Yoda)), Amber ((Darth Vader)), Ram ((Han Solo)), Lex ((Chewbacca)), Java ((Mara Jade)), Jay ((Wes Janson)), Darryl ((Tycho Celchu- may god help us all)), Bray ((Hobbie Kilivian)), and Pride ((Wedge Antilles))
Words: pickle, speaker, bumper sticker, and yearbook
Sentences: "Don't mind her, she thinks she's witty.", "This must be what it feels like to go insane.", and ((Mega))"Slade, what's wrong?" ((Slade))"My hoisery is bunching."
Rating: PG to PG-13
Warning: No drinking caffine or anything else during this, please be seated, and make sure you're head is firmly turned to mush first or else functioning later may be an issue.
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Clears throat- puts on pink panther music
"A long time ago in a Galaxy far far…"
"Pst- Pst- that's the wrong song," a voice hissed.
"Oh… hold on one second folks…"
puts on star wars
"A long time ago in a Tribe world far far- far away…"
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"Don't tell me we're going to put on Women's clothes…" Bray said turning to Pride as they looked over to an area of dress sales.
"Okay, we're not going to put on Women's clothes," Pride said walking over.
5 minutes later
"Commander, you've shattered my faith," Bray replied as he walked from a bathroom wearing a long yellow dress with weird hat on top.
"Oh you knew it was coming," Darryl replied looking at him.
"True but we wanted to blame him anyway," Jay added.
"So it was a good thing I missed the mission then huh?" Mega asked the four guys sitting at the table playing poker.
"Yea but god you miss a great time, we were like celebrities or somethin'. They wanted us to sign holos, breasts, yearbooks, pickles…." Bray said excitedly.
"Yearbooks? Pickles? Please tell me that this is Bray's way of saying you got asked to pose for pictures and kiss babies?" Mega demanded.
"No, but Pride was asked that," Darryl said with a sneer.
"We should rebel against our home planets every year!" Jay announced.
Mega rolled his eyes, "Yep well- I completely agree but sadly- I gotta jet. Ram, Lex, Slade, and I got asked to do a ringer on Bastin," he said standing up ruefully throwing down a napkin and walking off.
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"Hey Lex- small question- how does my uniform look- I mean does it look too tight around my backside- or not tight enough?" Ram asked finally standing in the mirror admiring himself.
"Considering you're hair looks like it was electrocuted and then set fire to, I'm not so sure you should be worried about whether or not that spandex rides up your ass- which it does by the way. However, if you're asking under the mere subtext of impressing Slade then- I think he appalled by it," Lex reported folding his arms leaning against the door.
"Jealous?" Ram taunted turning.
"Of?"
"How hot I look? And wait are you jealous of Slade?"
"I should hope not- he's straight," Lex said rolling his eyes and walking off, "Unlike someone I know…"
"I HEARD THAT- I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM STRAIGHT- WITH GAY LIKE TENDECIES IS ALL"
"Uh sure," Lex mumbled taking a seat in the front of the spaceship, "If you're not gay then I'm not a half dog person".
"Your not half dog- you're a wookie," Ram answered walking up from behind as he sat down to him.
"Yea… WELL… Well… I'm half dog in my mind," Lex reported folding his arms.
(Inside the base still)
Mega knew they were now pushing it racing down the hall with lightsaber dangling from his leather spandex he turned another corner to his older brother's room hitting the key code and opening it.
They were going to be late again, however as Mega headed towards Slade's room and opened it… Mega stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes grew in shock.
"Uh Slade, What's wrong with this picture?"
"You mean besides my hosiery is bunching? Not very much," he replied adjusting it some.
"Uh well yea, that might be an issue but Slade- those are fishnets… and that's a dress," Mega reported folding his arms.
"I know," Slade answered looking over himself, "You think it should be pink?"
"Okay- clearly this isn't working right- let me try this again. What in fucking god's name are you doing Slade? And don't even tell me this has something to do with Ram," he added after a second with a dark expression starting to slowly edge onto his face.
"Oh you mean this? It's- to help scope for hot grandma's… yea, okay fine actually it has something to do with Ram. We're kind of having a competition right now… the bet being the Falcon- over who can be the most feminine… and I thought well nothing gets more girly than a dress and fishnets- though now I'm starting to think it should have been a pink dress not a yellow dress," Slade conceded.
Mega blinked at him, "How am I related to you again?"
"And which one of us did a lap dance to another guy outside in the pouring rain on a trash can?"
"Touché"
"And that wasn't even over a bet," Slade reminded him, "And you weren't drunk either".
"Yea yea- fine, use the blackmail- either way- we gotta go Organa, there's a galaxy to save from the clone Emperor, clone of Darth Zulu, and well I need you guys to take me to see Yoda," Mega told him as they walked out of the room- Slade still dressed as a woman.
"Great another outing with Yougart on planet mud," he said sarcastically as they approached the bridge, "Oh Ram darling," Slade called out in an intentionally girlish voice.
"Oh Slade darling- up here," he replied in an equal tone.
"Why do I have the feeling that I'm going to kill you both before this is over?" Mega muttered to himself.
Slade shrugged as he walked down the hall wearing his heels proudly walking with his head up and a smirk on his face- as he walked into the cabin and then suddenly his mouth hung open.
Sitting down in a airtight very short red dress with a very noticeable black thong riding up his butt, with fishnet stockings with make-up, and a flower in his hair was Ram who then turned over and flashed him a smile.
"Nice try babe, but this is so my victory," he said in a smug voice.
"Damn it! That's it- where's my flight suit…"
"Over there," Mega said pointing as Slade stormed off, "Okay so which one of you put the bumper sticker on the back saying "We break for no one"?" he questioned.
Lex raised his hairy arm.
"Figures- so to that mud place then?" Ram asked turning to him.
"Yea but are you going to wear that dress the entire time?"
"I'm not losing my ship to your brother- hell yes, and if I have to- I'll even dance with another man… or Lex," he replied.
"Wait a second! That's not in my description," Lex argued standing up.
"It is if I say it is dog"
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Pink Panther Music Plays ((I recommend finding some kind of site that has it on it for reference))
(Dagobah aka Mud Planet)
In the middle of this dark green planet with a swamp dead in the middle was a small hut with a light. Inside, sitting down in deep mediation with a boy with red hair wearing green make-up and a brown jedi costume… with the sign Jack Yoda hanging on his front door.
Outside his wife… that he bought on eBay was searching for clues… she claimed there was a force disturbance in the swamp. So she went outside turned on a cd and started to sneak around the swamp with pink glasses, claimed they were magnifying lens- put on a pink detective suit and started creeping all over the swamp. Every time the pounding noise of the theme came out- she'd duck behind something and then resume her pathetic movements.
Her completely ignoring the loud crashing sounds of the Falcon- when it landed- the cockpit opened up, and she didn't even miss a beat in her steps. Mega stepped out and told the others to come back in a few hours- they then took off.
Mega then started to walk towards the house, when he was stopped by Gel. He took a minute to watch her while the listening into the soundtrack. Shaking his head and rolling his eyes, he went to himself.
"This must be what it feels like to go insane."
Gel then did a duck in front of him, "Shh- dork boy, I'm hunting for the killer- he's wearing a ghost mask and calling himself Matt Robinson have you see him?"
Mega looked down at her laying by his feet with his eyebrow risen, "Is Jack around?"
"Oh you mean that spoil sport- he's inside doing something with stiff sitting and tea- I think he's practicing witchcraft or worshipping apes or something," she said with a shrug.
"Right, I'll let you go back to what you were doing," Mega said walking off shaking his head as he left.
As he walked up to the house, he opened the door and Jack's eyes opened in his sitting position to look at him, "Ah Master Skywalker, you are late".
"Yea, um- are you aware there's this insane girl in pink outside listening to the pink panther song over and over while hunting for a killer that's not real, and using a fake magnifying lens to do it?" Mega asked him thumbing outside as he shut the door and took a seat on the bed.
"Yea, that's my wife"
"You're wife… but… how? And why her she's like twelve and dumb as paint"
"Well you see I was shopping on eBay and typed in the word 'wife' and a bunch of entries came up for wives for sale. But all of them wanted either extremely large sums of money and financial stability. Or they refused to live in a hutt on a swamp. However, she was not only willing to do so- she was only 3.95- and there was no other bids. The downside, there was no return options presented so…" Jack said with a shrug.
"I told already once Jack, never shop on eBay unless there's a return option, they person has a good rating, and has sold over 100 items," Mega said scowling, "See and you wonder how things happen like the time you got stuck with The tribe series 1 discs episodes 1-8 and not all 52. Or like the time you thought you ordered the original Malibu Barbie but it turned out to be fake blonde Barbie with matching Ken," Mega reminded him.
"I know, I mess up a lot but I promise to do better next time," Jack vowed.
"Noted, so anyway- you have information about Java Jade…"
"Ah yes- there was a sighting of her on Niruan with a ton of imperial stormtroopers, she was working for Thrawn and this new cloned Darth Zulu out there. They are now moving towards Corellia, you can catch them there," Jack announced as he heard the ship pull up, "I believe you're ride is here".
"Yes, thank you Master- but one final question- I thought marriage was forbidden of a Jedi?" Mega asked him.
Jack looked at him for a second, "No, you see what I taught you- the code… the one about peace, no emotion, knowledge, passion, no ignorance, serenity, acceptance, no regret, no death, the parts about no marriage or emotional attachments, love but not love, balance, no aggression, and being one with the force… you see the thing is. I lied. I made it up. I read it in some Shakespeare book thought it sounded profound and said it was our code. The force bit was just make it believable of course. In truth, there is no such code whatsoever and there is no force- it's a farce. You're not a Jedi because there is no jedi's. We're actually psychic frauds is all," Jack told him.
Mega blinked at him for a second before anger filled his features, "So this "feeling" I have you mean is just like paranoia, or sickness every time I get it or my personal negativity. And the lightsaber really is just a toy with a blinking light. Furthermore, that this profound speech you gave me is nothing but load of shit to sound smart? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Exactly"
"I KNEW IT- I knew it all wasn't in my mind that was weird. Jack, you're something else…"
"Yes Barbie I know, now you better go before the tides set…"
"Don't you mean the sun"
"That too"
As Mega walked out the door, he ran smack into Gel who was now holding up a dead rat with her free hand a lens in the other and a happy look on her face.
"I found the killer- he was hiding in the green room after he used the rope to kill Professor Plum," she said looking at Mega.
"Right… and you came to this conclusion how?"
"By using scientific data, analyzing the swamp, using the lyrics of Henry Macini as a guide for he left us clues this way from the past, and calling on the force," she proclaimed.
Mega then looked over to Jack who spoke simply, "Don't mind her, she thinks she's witty."
"Right, I gotta run," he said when he heard Ram honk the ships horn.
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(The ship)
"So where to?" Slade asked his brother now in normal get up working on cleaning his own lightsaber.
"We have to go Corellia," Mega announced.
"Great but can we stop at McDonald's on the way?" Ram inquired.
"Sure"
(Hours later)
"Yea, can we get four space burgers, three whiskeys, one milk shake, and four rootcakes to go?" Ram said into the speaker.
"That'll be ten seventy five"
"God damn that's expensive- jeesh food prices today," Lex said rolling his eyes pulling it out.
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(Corellia)
Once there- they were greeted by armies and armies of troops. Thank god Bray, Jay, Darryl, and Pride- along with their rebel alliance fleet showed up when they did to help Ram and Lex in the air with the battle.
"Hey Ram- we're here," Jay announced into his comm.
Ram eyes lit up, "Oh Jay- you didn't forget me for a second I thought…"
"Never in a million years Ram. I'd never let anything happen to you- I love you," Jay announced over the comm- causing his co-workers to cringe and Lex to roll his eyes.
"And I love you"
"Okay, well that's great folks but uh seriously- battle now- exchange homosexual love later," Lex cried as he went to blast another ship.
Meanwhile, Slade decided to go after the enemy on foot- by himself… with nothing but his lightsaber against 200,000 troops after sending Mega off to go stop Java Jade. He started to chase one down a pipe tunnel and then stopped when he saw 250 more, screamed and turn around and fled yelling.
"OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE. WOMEN CAN'T BE DRAFTED- I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT SEX CHANGE," he cried running off.
Thankfully, the ground forces then came to help Slade with the battle as Mega raced to find Java Jade who was still deeply under mind control.
"You will kill Mega Skywalker- you will kill Mega Skywalker," Darth Zulu's voice said in her head.
"I will kill Mega- I will," she promised out loud as she looked around at the noise come from the door.
The force it was telling her something- danger- that- that Skywalker was there.
"Come out come out wherever you are Skywalker, I know you're there," she yelled darkly turning on her red lightsaber and walking around the dark room.
"You're right I am," he shouted coming out blue one posed as they moved to clash against each other with a rush of wind coming up from behind them as sparks came from shooting from their swords.
"Java, you have to listen to me- you're being used," Mega proclaimed, "Zulu is dead, these are just voices in your head"
"You lie- you lie," she screamed throwing it at his head as he ducked down to escape injury.
"I DON'T- if you looked at me you could see it's true… and not only that- but the force is a fake. There is no force- it's just some mind game we played on ourselves for the last 50,000 years," he replied looking at her as their sabers met again.
Java then made a cold hard stare into his eyes- suddenly, her heart stopped, she felt the voices calm, she felt herself drop the saber. He flicked his off- and then she looked at him. He was telling the truth- and furthermore, he was HOT. What the hell was she doing trying to kill him? They needed to be making out.
With that she then walked up and kissed him deepening it, and then adding her tongue firmly down his throat. He looked at her surprised but didn't fight it either. Hell, there was just something hot about a woman trying to kill you and then wanting to have sex with you. As long as she wasn't going to a long term girlfriend or anything.
The two began to undress- as suddenly Slade raced in, "Hey Josh- we did it- but the thing is the entire building is going to blow and we gotta- OY- CLOTHES," he screamed when he finally saw his brother and Java.
Both looked at him in horror for a second before scrambling for their clothes.
"Right, he need to get out of here," Mega agreed struggling to slip back on his pants with Slade covering his eyes.
"Yea, and HURRY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," he yelled.
Mega then slipped his clothes on as did Java and then the three raced off with less than a minute on the counter before it blew. As they cleared the building, they heard the explosion begin and they raced onto the ship.
"RAM TAKE OFF NOW"
"Will do" he said pulling away.
As they passed to the sky with the fire lighting up in the background they all turned to each other putting arms and hands besides each other as they watched it go.
"That was my home," Java proclaimed sadly.
"Not anymore," Mega said turning to her.
They then kept like that well into the night.
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The end.
Some irony for you there- along with some weirdness… oh and this to dedicated to the man responsible for my childhood happiness Miles- I'm sorry I forgot today you died… you were great- you gave me toys, read me stories, fed me, took me out to play, gave me somewhere to run around free, and gave me a family when I didn't have one my own- thank you for the five years you were in my life.