"Aw, crap, Su, they forgot to feed you again?" Keitaro cried as he turned away. As a result, Kaolla clung to the side of him, wrapping her tanned legs tightly around his chest. Keitaro paused for a moment, debating whether getting a hug from one of the Hinata girls was worth the pounding that would probably follow. It was at this point that Kaolla sunk her teeth into his neck.
"Damn it, Su, stop that! I'll get into the kitchen and make you some Banana Ramen or something, just stop – damn it, stop biting me!" Kaolla continued biting into the side of his neck, which spurted blood everywhere as he fought to get the girl off of him. Unbeknownst to him, a woman in the corner slowly raised her gun, an uncharacteristic tear in her eye. She swiped at the tear so that it wouldn't interfere with her aim, and slowly began to depress the trigger. Meanwhile, Keitaro continued to struggle with the tan girl.
"Look, Su, there is a banana tree!" The girl jerked suddenly, staring into the direction Keitaro was pointing, and pulling him with her. As a result, the loud explosion that filled the chamber, which was supposed to be produced by a powder igniting and launching a bullet into Kaolla's head, instead resulted in a bullet slamming into Keitaro's shoulder.
"Damn it, Su, your inventions are always..." Keitaro finally noticed the woman in the corner, then the gun shaking in her hand, the unlit cigarette hanging by her mouth. Slowly, fear filled his eyes, only to be more rapidly replaced by indignation.
"Auntie Haruka, you shot me!" Keitaro declared, the events of the day having nothing on the weirdness that was getting shot by a family member. Haruka coughed, obviously slightly embarrassed. Then, collecting herself, she raised the gun again.
"What is it, Su?" Keitaro was jerked suddenly as she made another effort to get to Keitaro's made-up banana tree. Unfortunately, the head shot that Haruka had lined up again had the misfortunate of flying into Keitaro, this time in his other shoulder.
"Damn it, old woman, stop shooting me!" Keitaro cried. Haruka slowly stepped forward, and then bashed him in the forehead with her handgun.
"Don't call me an old woman." She said, rotating the cigarette in her mouth. She then realized that her cigarette was out, and raising the gun to the tip, fired. The noise made Keitaro jump again. The jump made both of his shoulders burn, and then he realized that they actually were burning.
"What the hell did you shoot me with, old – Aunt Haruka?" Keitaro exclaimed, watching tendrils of fire fluffing out from the bullet wounds.
"Sulfate bullets. Flamethrower minis, if you will." Haruka took a drag on her cigarette, and then gagged. "Has an awful taste, mind."
"Yes, I do mind! You shot me! Twice! With burning bullets!" Keitaro looked at the bullet holes again, noticing that they weren't really that deep. But they hurt like Hell.
"I was aiming for her." Haruka gestured towards Kaolla. Keitaro drew a blank look on his face.
"Why would you shoot her? She isn't immortal like me." Indeed, as they spoke, the bullet popped out of his left shoulder, which slowly began to mend itself.
"She has an... issue." Haruka looked piteously at Kaolla, who was still slowly gnawing on Keitaro, with no affect.
"I would say, she hasn't been fed yet!" Keitaro pat the young girl on the head, and quickly pulled his hand away as Kaolla tried to bite it.
"No, it isn't that she hasn't been fed, Keitaro." Haruka tried again.
"Oh, then she just misses me. I must say, none of the other girls ever hug me when I come home from the hospital." Keitaro had a momentary thought that quickly passed.
"She didn't miss you, Keitaro." Haruka began to sweat. How explicit would she have to get?
"Oh, damn, what'd I do to her, then? Did I accidentally grab her when Naru punched me, or something?"
Haruka sighed, and then turned to Keitaro. "There is something wrong with Kaolla that is physical, Keitaro. And you must do something about it." Keitaro gave Haruka a startled look.
"Keitaro, you need to kill Kaolla." Keitaro's eyes widened.
"What do you mean, Haruka?"
"Here, take this gun and go into the back room, and kill Kaolla." Keitaro gulped, and finally turned to Haruka.
"But what will the other girls think? And shouldn't Kaolla get to decide when she is... killed?" Haruka noticed the special infliction he put on the word kill, almost like he didn't understand what it meant. She decided he was in some form of shock.
"Go back there into your room, Keitaro, and kill Kaolla once and for all."
Keitaro gulped, looking around nervously. Then, finally, he nodded, and started to leave the room.
"Keitaro, the gun?" Haruka asked.
"I won't need it, I think, Haruka." Keitaro smiled a small sad smile, and proceeded into his bedroom, the inert Kaolla writhing again as he started moving.
Haruka wondered. She wondered whether or not Keitaro was emotionally strong enough to take this. She wondered why Keitaro's bedspring was squeaking. She wondered if she was doing the right thing by killing Kaolla. She wondered why the bed in the other room was rhythmically squeaking. She wondered if she would survive, and if Keitaro would survive. She wondered what that damn squeaking was. And then, suddenly, she realized. Keitaro was acting like he didn't know what the word kill meant, asking what the other girls would think, if Kaolla would want him to, saying he wouldn't need the gun... and now, the other room's bed was squeaking. He doesn't know what 'kill' means!
"Keitaro, God no!" Haruka screamed, rushing into the other room expecting the worst. Kaolla's corpse, lying on the bed, Keitaro pounding away... instead, she was greeted by a similar, but different in context, scene.
"Damn in, Su!" Keitaro said, picking her up from under the armpits and throwing her across the room onto his bed. He then proceeded to flip through a few pages of the dictionary in front of him, before turning suddenly and catching Kaolla, then throwing her across the room again. The mattress squeaked every time Kaolla fell onto the bed, and Haruka released the biggest sweat drop known to the anime and manga worlds.
"Keitaro, I thought you slept on a futon." Haruka queried. Indeed, amongst all the other oriental furniture, the single bed stood out.
"Must have changed while I was gone... aha, here we go. Kill – a verb, meaning to... that can't be right..." Keitaro continued to skim the dictionary, a worried look creasing his face.
"Keitaro, why don't you know what the word 'kill' means?"
"I don't know. Ask Joe, he's the guy writing in English." Keitaro muttered.
Joseph appeared suddenly, in a flash of green powder that smelled vaguely of Haruka's bullets. He scowled (making his gargantuan moustache part) at Keitaro. Finally, he leaned forward, exposing a crazy mass of hair that looked like it would eat any comb that came near it.
"Why do you dare invoke my name? I thought I told you this was going to be a serious horror story!"
"Well, you are the guy who decided to write a serious horror story about events occurring in Japan to Japanese people in English!" Keitaro retorted.
"I'm not the only one, you know. Plenty of people write about Love Hina in English! It's called an international fanbase!"
Keitaro sighed. "Well, that still doesn't help that I'm Japanese and have only taken marginal English lessons. I only know so much, you know. And why were you going to have Haruka have me kill Su?"
Joe leaned forward again, grumbling. "First off, her name is Kaolla, you idiot. Secondly, she is infected with a disease that turns her into an eater of flesh, mutant of designs, and monster of unfathomable power."
Keitaro cocked an eyebrow. "You mean a zombie?"
.Joe sighed. "I mean a mutation of dead flesh. Don't ask what that means, I still haven't decided. All I know, she is infected, and that is why you are supposed to take Haruka's sulfate bullets – and, Haruka, how'd you know sulfur was what it took to kill them? – and propel them into Kaolla's forehead."
After this statement, there was general silence. Finally, Haruka answered the question posed at her. "Well, Joe, I really don't know, I just started out this morning with a box of sulfate bullets, a handgun, and a couple of zombies – " At this, Joe coughed. " – infected mutation of dead flesh. I thought, gee, zomb – infected, what would work better than rounds specifically given to me by an unforeseen higher power? And voila, here we are. Don't ask me how the rest of my evening went, I don't really know. I went from what I just described to yelling a warning at Keitaro not to enter the Inn."
"Oh, that was you? I thought it was my subconscious talking to me again, so I ignored it. Sorry, Aun-bwah." Haruka whacked Keitaro over the head with her handgun.
"Guys, aren't we forgetting something?" Joe asked, gesturing towards Kaolla. "Kill the zom – er, infected."
Kaolla, who had been fairly quiet to this point, grinned suddenly, reaching behind her and pulling out what very well might have been the smallest nuclear bomb launcher known to man.
"Okay, baby, bring it on!" Kaolla crowed.
"Huh, wait, aren't the infected supposed to be unable to talk?" Joe pondered, flipping through a small book labeled The Plot: And Other Plans. Keitaro stole a peek over Joe's shoulders and released a small cry.
"Hey, why are all the pages blank?"
"Invisible ink that can only be seen through my glasses." Joe said, coughing and closing the book quickly. Kaolla nodded at Keitaro's querulous glance.
"Anyway, the infected people are only supposed to be able to groan, stutter, and whisper warnings to the main characters. Not talk. So, what the Hell is going on?"
Kaolla grinned laconically. "I got tired of being an undead girl. So I'm back and with explosive power!" With that said, Kaolla pulled the trigger, launching a bomb the size of a dollar bill at Joseph.
---Scene Change---
Outside the Hinata Inn main building. Infected Motoko is standing guard, swatting her sword at any guys who approach. And many fanboys are, due to the fact that undead Motoko doesn't realize that she is still naked from the prior scene. Of course, infected Motoko doesn't have the inclination to slash out at females, due to the limited experience she had with that in her lifetime. Therefore, many of the fanboys are willing to sit back and cheer as fangirls in various forms approach and do things to Motoko that are frankly disgusting. Well, if you don't like that kind of thing. Apparently, all the fanboys did.
Slowly, infected Motoko began to realize that she didn't like that kind of thing herself, and so, she raised her sword and began to bring it down at the exact moment that Kaolla launched her mini nuke. The last thing many of her fans thought as they were propelled from the Inn by the blast was, oh my god, Motoko is so cool! Incidentally, the last thing Motoko herself thought was grooooaaaaahhhhh….
---Scene Change---
"What the hell, Kaolla?" Keitaro exclaimed frantically. "You just killed the author! That means we are all going to die now!"
"Wait, I thought the expert said that he would become immortal from this! Bring in the expert!" Suddenly, from nowhere, Holly Wood popped out of nowhere.
"If a toon kills a human, then they become a toon themselves!" Holly cried out prophetically. Indeed, as she spoke, Joe's corpse slowly rose in the air, only to settle back down on the ground. Joe stood, grumbling.
"Now that is just confusing. If I died, only to be reborn, that insinuates that I'm not really here, which means that my discussion isn't really occurring, due to the fact that no one exists on the same plane as I do, due to the fact that I don't exist myself, unless my existence is fundamentally one that doesn't imply my direct existence! What say you to that, Miss Wood?" Joe coughed, and then leaned over to catch his breath.
"Well, following your logic (I hope), that means you need to seek help, since you are essentially talking to yourself with every word you say." Holly giggled. "Then again, what do I know, I'm just a porn star."
Keitaro frowned. "But aren't self insertions stupid anyway?"
Joe glared. "For your information, Akamatsu-sensei did a self insertion in the Spring Special, remember? They kidnapped him for his boat. I'm just reaping the same type of glory."
Keitaro glowered. "Well, I liked Ken's version better. He, at least, didn't portray me as a complete idiot."
Joe paused, and then smiled. "Well, did Ken give you your own bike?" Joe made a gesture, summoning Cloud's bike from Final Fantasy. "Eh, well, technically he did, but he removed it before the series began. Besides, this bike is the most pimp bike there is!"
---Scene Change---
Meanwhile, during the events of Final Fantasy, Advent Children. The bike scene, where Cloud is chasing after the white haired men. Until, of course, his bike just suddenly disappears.
"Owwwwwwww!' cried Cloud as he was dragged across the pavement at 100 miles per hour, only stopping when he finally hit a bump that threw him across the road and into a dumpster.
The morale of the story, kids? Never drive a super pimp bike at incredible speeds if you aren't 100 percent sure of its own existence.
---Scene Change---
Keitaro, meanwhile, was very happy indeed. "Awesome, it has wheels and black paint and everything! How do I drive it?"
Joe smiled. "Well, in the original story, you knew how to drive a bike, so I bequeath you with the knowledge lost! Go forth and drive!"
Eagerly, Keitaro hopped on his motorcycle and pushed it through the remains of the Hinata Inn, finally reaching the hill and waiting for the others. Haruka grabbed the keys to Seta's van, and Kaolla disappeared back into her bedroom.
Joseph grinned. "Well, now, hopefully that got all the self insertion out of my head. I've given Keitaro a bike, and it ought to be funny when he realizes I didn't actually teach him how to ride it!" Joe chuckled and vanished from the scene.
---Scene Change---
Kaolla hummed to herself as she perused her key rack. "Shall I take the Mecha Tama VI: aka Gatling Girl? Or maybe Mecha Tama XIV: also called Nuking Nasty? Or maybe I'll go simple and take the Mecha Tama XXVIII. Yes, I think I'll take Unnecessarily Huge."
---Scene Change---
Keitaro grumbled, eager to ride his new toy. Haruka pulled up next to him. "You know we have a road access, why are we taking the stairs?"
"Come on, do the guys on motorcycles take roads, or do they ride down the arm rail of the stairs?"
Haruka sighed. "I just hope you know what you are doing." As she spoke, a very sudden rumbling began to come from the nearby hot springs as Mecha Tama XXVIII began to rise out. Unfortunately, the rumbling launched Keitaro forward unexpectedly, and as he began to bounce down the stairs on his bike (which, being bulletproof, surely won't take any damage), he released an angry cry.
"Damn you, Joseph!"