Vulnerability
Erik
Erik woke with the awareness that all was not as it usually was. For one, he had a crick in his neck. For another, he was on the couch. And- there was someone with him. He glanced down, saw a tumble of russet curls spilled across his chest.
Christine Daae was curled up against him.
Shit. I did not just-
The blanket slipped off of her shoulder to answer his question- no he had not taken advantage of Christine Daae.
Like hell you didn't, Erik. She was emotionally fragile, you knew she was fragile, dammit, and what do you do? Pounce on her like some goddamnn insensitive jerk. You idiot.
Erik slid from the couch, careful not to disturb her, and made his way toward the kitchen. His head was pounding, and his conscience wasn't done with him yet.
You had to kiss her, Erik. Could you have done anything more monumentally stupid? Do you want her to become dependent on you? Think of what it would do to her!
He cursed himself fluently in three more languages. Of all the stupid things he had done, this topped them.
She wasn't near ready for anything like that, Erik. What were you thinking! Why did you have to let your own damn needs get in the way? You'll be lucky if she's only infatuated with you. What if she convinces herself that she's in love with you- what then?
He resisted the urge to pound his head, slowly and repeatedly, against the wall. Guilt had started to set in.
Erik did not enjoy guilt.
"Erik?" Christine emerged, yawning, from the other room. She seemed relaxed, contended even. "I smelled coffee." Then she frowned. "Erik, are you all right?"
He was staring at her, the innocent young girl in front of him. What am I going to tell her? How can I explain- all this?
"Christine," he began quietly, words slow to control the calm of his voice. "I'm sorry about what happened last night." He saw the first stab of hurt in her eyes and continued swiftly. "You were emotionally vulnerable and I took advantage of that. I don't want you to become dependent on me, Christine, and that's what will happen if this continues. I think it's better if we keep our relationship platonic."
He waited for the hammer to fall.
Christine
Christine was breathing in short, shallow beats. "You're sorry about last night. Erik, don't be ridiculous." Her eyes were wide and shocked. Her voice had a tinge of hysteria, bordering between laughter and tears. I can't believe him. Just when I thought I was healing, just as I thought it was safe... I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. Why can't he see that?
But what if you aren't? whispered a little voice in the back of her mind. What if he's right? He's doing you both a favor, Christine, he doesn't want to hurt you. What if you are vulnerable, even- flawed. He wouldn't want to damage you any more.
What if it was because she was damaged that he felt compelled to keep her at arm's length now? Bile rose in her throat. Face it, Christine, you're broken. Why would he want an emotionally scarred, masochistic girl who hurts everyone she loves?
Last night was a dream, Christine. Wake up. He's too good for you. He's whole, and you're broken. You know it, he knows it. So why don't you just thank him for giving you a place to stay and try to stay out of his love life.
Still, as she looked up into the maelstrom of his blue eyes, she felt as though something in her was splintering. Torn like silk, ripped and shredded. He, for his part, looked frozen, impossibly still, tense. Erik's face was strained, she wondered how desperate he was to distance himself from her, to erase the memories of that moonlit room, that strange, sweet sound.
"If that's what you want." she replied tonelessly.
His eyes were bright on hers. "It's best, Christine. I don't want to see you become dependent on me. We both have a lot of healing to go through before anything could happen between us. Please," he seemed frozen in place, the words overlaid with a rush of tenuous emotion. "tell me you understand."
She wiped all trace of expression from her face as she raises her eyes to his. "I'm trying, Erik. Thank you for-" she hesitated, searching for the right words. "the past few days. I'll call a cab and see you at rehearsals later."
There was a trace of pain in his voice. She did not look at him. "You're welcome, Ms. Daae. I shall see you at the rehearsal." he responded softly. Christine felt her stomach clench.
Erik
After she had gone, he stood and stared at the doorway. He knew that he had done the right thing.
That didn't mean it had been the easiest thing. To look into those dark eyes, to see the betrayal there.
He had looked into Hell.
Then, his marrow froze as she went silent, subdued. He could not see the thoughts behind those suddenly opaque eyes. But he could guess.
She thinks she's worthless. I'm to blame, and she thinks that she isn't good enough. That she'll end up hurting us. How could I...
Five minutes later, he was on the phone with Nadir.
The man sounded, to say the least, disgruntled. "Erik, have you any idea what ungodly hour it is?"
"Nadir, I just did something incredible stupid"
"What else is new?" Nadir snapped. Then he seemed to process the thought. "How... stupid?" He asked cautiously. "What happened with Christine Daae?"
"How-" Erik spluttered.
"Shut up and tell me."
Erik gave him the full story- well, most of it. Any mention of last night was very abbreviated and left unelaborated.
"...what the hell have I just done?" Erik ended.
"Something incredibly stupid." Nadir retorted. "Honestly, Erik, I realize why you did it, and I agree with you completely on that count." He paused. "But you went about it in one of the worst ways possible. You completely sprung this on her, now she'll be questioning her value as a person and thinking that she's not good enough for you."
"Nadir... do you think that you could..." He was distinctly uncomfortable at having to ask a favor of the man.
"Yes?" Erik had the feeling that Nadir was inclined to make this difficult on him, as the sky had not even begun to lighten. He abandoned all pretense of pride. "I need your help."
"You need help, all right." the man muttered. "I think you should hold off any relations with Ms. Daae until the opera is over. But you need to talk to her as soon as possible. Before this gets into the theatre. You see, Erik." he hesitated. "Janet has found out about Christine's 'accident'. "
Erik's vocabulary seemed to be reduced to a certain set of four letter words.
Christine
She slammed the door behind her and surveyed the room before her. The police had already cleaned it up.
"Damn it!" She flung herself down on the sofa and allowed herself fifteen minutes of solid crying. How could I have been so stupid? How could I think we had something that night? Get a grip on yourself, Christine, he doesn't want to deal with a needy child!
She sniffed, eyed her red-cheeked, puffy-eyed reflection in the mirror hanging in the hall. Tangled hair hung over empty eyes, quivering lips and shoulders. God, I look like a mess. Christine started the shower and let the cold water needle her body. When did life get so complicated?
What did I do wrong? she asked. Was it so wrong of me to feel- safe? Hot tears made fresh tracks down her face, she closed her eyes and raised her face to the stinging water, let it wash away the bitterness. She could still feel his lips against hers, the press of his cheek against hers.
A sharp sob broke from her. The feel of his arms around her as they drifted into sleep. Protecting her- accepting her. It had been-peace For the first time since the funeral, she had felt peace.
"Why did you take that from me?" she didn't expect an answer. But in those few hours, those precious, fleeting hours, she had felt her heart begin to beat again. Her spirit to stir.
She had felt, so briefly, the urge to question. Had she really deserved all that Joseph had given her- cruel words, blows, apathetic betrayal? Erik hadn't seemed to think so.
What would you want for me, Raoul? Can I betray your memory with this man?
She could never have betrayed him with Joseph. She simply- could not love Joseph. There had never been the risk of shaming Raoul's memory with Joseph. So she had taken the abuse, the abuse which she deserved for her role in Raoul's death. She had lived with a man that was- ironically- the safest man for her to be with. He would never think of her as more than a possession. There would never be the risk of loving, of hurting another again. He could give her what she deserved and she could suffer as Raoul had.
Raoul- you told me to find another love. But how can I do that without betraying you?
Raoul, how could I know what you want for me?
There was no answer, no feeling of peace. Only silence.
She forced down the shower knob, toweled her hair dry and slipped into the old, loose clothing on the bathroom counter. She leaned her forehead against the lintel of the door. What would you want, Raoul?
A brisk tapping at the door roused her from her stillness. A heavily accented voice came firmly from the door. "Christine, ma cherie, open the door."
Christine made her way to the door, opened the door, too drained to resist.
Carlotta stood there, hands on hips. "Well, you look like hell." she said, eyebrows raised. She swept in. "Sit, Christine. I heard of your- accident. Nadir asked me to come by." The dark brows drew together. "I would have come anyway, had I known. Tell me, ma cherie, what happened between you and those two idiot men?"
Christine let out a breathless laugh, drained. "He- and Meg- came, the night after you found me in the restroom. Joseph had been-"
"Wasting himself." Carlotta inserted. Christine smiled slightly.
"He- started hitting me. Meg came, tried to stop him. He threw her down. Erik stopped him from doing anything more. I blacked out."
"Mm. And what happened at our prince's castle, after he carried you off on his white horse?"
"I- had a nightmare. I don't remember much of it. Bits and pieces. Someone holding me while I cried. And when I fell asleep. Then- later, Meg stopped by. She left and Erik had me go back to sleep"
Christine had not missed the rise of the diva's eyebrows at the word 'Erik', but otherwise, she was still. "Continue."
"I woke up in the night. He was playing something. I followed the sound and..." Christine was unable to continue.
"You kissed him. Or he kissed you." Carlotta said flatly.
Christine buried her head in her hands. "It was... it was..." She breathed in deeply, let it out, shudderingly. "I woke up. He tried to apologize. He said he had taken advantage of me, he didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to keep our relationship... platonic"
Carlotta snorted softly. "And you blame yourself"
"Who else is there to blame!"
"Perhaps Mr. Desler is also responsible. Did that occur to you, that everything is not always your fault, girl? It would seem that you both did something too soon. Now you are paying for it. That does not mean," she continued, black eyes halting the words that sprung to Christine's lips, "that you deserve this. That you are atoning for some kind of crime you committed. No matter what has happened in your past, you cannot ignore the present. And the two of you moved too quickly and ended up hurting each other. Now you must fix it. Tell him-" Carlotta grasped her hands firmly. "Tell him what it is that hurts you so. Tell him why you stayed with that man." The diva rose. "As much as the man aggravates me, he has a gift for compassion. That does not mean he does not make stupid mistakes. Do not be so quick to jump to conclusions about his actions, Christine. I do not think he believes you worthless."
Christine escorted the woman to the door. At the threshold, Carlotta paused, turned. "You may find that you are not the only one with a troubled past, Christine. Be careful."
Hmm. Foreshadowing. How many cookies must I give out so my wonderful, very much apprecieated and hopefully pacifistic readers won't try to track me down and throttle me? My writing isn't all that great when I'm being throttled, I'll have you know.
cookies n' hugs
Lee