AN: Har har. I decided to do this fun, extremely short oneshot on VOLDY! Everybody say yay. YAY. Now I don't own anything; J. K. R. does. I only own the plot. Big whoop everyone. Now off you go reading.

The Cold Truth

Lord Voldemort's cat-like pupils narrowed from beneath his heavy, dark hood. He was about to capture a very important person today—okay, well, two. But one of the two was not as close in importance as the other.

Ollivander and Fortescue were to be captured and taken from their normal posts in Diagon Alley—and Voldemort was never usually this happy.

When commanded by Voldemort to retrieve the two shopkeepers, the Death Eaters were puzzled, and asked in droll voices, "Fortescue? But milord, why Fortescue?"

"Crucio!"

Voldemort made it known that his plans were to be a secret.

As he turned around, his black robes billowing out behind him, a few of his Death Eaters crouched around an unconscious Wormtail, resorting to kicking his sides in order to revive him.

Meanwhile, Voldemort coddled his snake, Nagini, close to his neck, allowing her to twist about his shoulders. He began to sing it an ancient song in Parseltongue—which in truth, he had merely made up on the spot:

"Hic haec hiuc mei carmen:

I am a lord of all

Feared by all

But I just want one thing to

Satisfy my craving,

Adeo, esurio, ac frigus.

Yes, Nagini, even lords as powerful as me

Need something creamy and cold and icy,

Cuppedia ac bonus melior optimus causa equidem.

Yes, serpent of mine,

I need ice cream—

Ice cream, my serpent, my slithering serpent,

Twist about upon my shoulders

Live and thrive

Facio tui bene admitto procedo,

At least satisfy my sweet tooth

Before I kill Potter

Ugly scar-head Potter

Who has had much more ice cream than I.


In truth, my dear pet,

The reason that I shall

Kill this half-headed boy,

This is the reason now:

He's flaunting to me everything I've never had

Loving parents (tibi evito tui carus amicus)

Good teachers (tibi evito tui carus amicus)

And now ice cream (tibi abduco cui)!

Yes, Nagini, we shall take it together.

Sic, Nagini, nos abduco contrado.

Ice cream together, which unfortunately you

Cannot make with your mighty snake's milk

Your powerful milk,

But we shall get our ice cream,

And yes, the wands too, and—"

"Er—milord?" A tentative voice called from around the corner.

Voldemort angrily stood up from his green armchair (Nagini falling from his torso), and turned around to see his addresser.

"Wormtail!" he hissed, in annoyance.

The small man practically shrank up against the opposite wall, and stuttered, "S-s-so sorry, milord, to have interrupted y-your…" Voldemort's nostrils flared. "oh," Wormtail trailed.

"Well, what is it that was so important, causing you to interrupt my—lament?" The snake-eyed man drawled smoothly, successfully hiding the annoyance in his voice.

"It's, well, er, Ollivander and Fortescue have arrived from Diagon Alley!" Wormtail squeaked, practically melting into the floor.

"Ollivander I don't care for much, but Fortescue has arrived?"

Thus, Lord Voldemort exited his inner chambers and ran out to the front door, neglecting Nagini and Wormtail on the floor.

And Voldemort lived evilly ever after, continually digesting ice cream and milkshakes, while the rest of his Death Eaters fooled around with trick wands.

The End.

AN: So, what did you think? I hope you let me know. I had lots of fun writing this, I hope you had as much fun reading it. Remember to keep posted on Arithmancy, and I'll see you when I see you, da!