The next day, Lily sent James a note, saying that she was sorry and that she had lost control of her own feelings. She hoped he didn't blame her.
James's heart ached at the note presented before him. With slight agitation, he sent the owl away with a flourish of his hand. Lost control of her own feelings indeed! James had thought that they belonged to each other. James had thought that she liked him just the same way he liked her.
James had thought. He sat on his bed and yanked the red and gold curtains with such brute force that it was almost yanked out of its place.
He lied down, hands behind head, and thought about it for a long time. The longer he thought about it, the more his anger and irritation disappeared. After all, it wasn't really Lily's fault. He had come to her in the first place and offered her comfort at that moment. And he had never made his intentions clear. Although he had tried to sneak in a few kisses, she had almost never let him, with exception to last night. But even then, her mind was in a disarray and she wasn't in any condition to think clearly.
With that, he yanked the curtains open again, irritating the rest of the Gryffindors in the room. Gilbert Finnigan turned to give him a glare before returning to his assignment.
James ran out of the room and even forgot to close the door behind him. He had shouted 'sorry' over his shoulder and continued to run down the stairs. He was glad he couldn't see the dark glares that were passed around as he left.
Remus and Sirius looked at each other in amusement. They were bemused at the sight of James running about and yanking curtains. He was always so gentle and soft about things. He also took time to sort things out, unlike today.
"What's with him?" Sirius remarked.
Remus shrugged, his thoughts returning back to Jamie. He really ought to either get rid of what he hoped was just an infatuation with her or to seriously tell Jamie about how he felt. And he had to decide. Before next week.
James ran and found her in the greenhouse. She was somewhat observing the plants and herbs there and taking notes. She was probably studying, and didn't want to be disturbed, James thought. But he knew that he had to tell her, or his own state of mind would go well off center.
He surprised her by suddenly standing so close to her. She turned abruptly as she heard the shuffling of feet behind her. She expected to see Professor Mae behind her, not James, of all people. She was embarrassed by the fact that she had soaked his shirt and poured her confession about swearing never to cry for her father again. She had therefore sent him a note that very morning, for she found that she couldn't bring sleep to her.
James smiled at her flushed face.
"Hi," he said sheepishly, seemingly shy all of a sudden.
Lily raised her eyebrows warily, then decided that he might have some trouble with his work in school, so he had come to ask her. She then relaxed her stance and smiled back, indicating her greeting.
When James had remained silent for a few more seconds, Lily prompted him.
"Was there something you wanted?"
James shook his head fervently, then nodded it again. His confused manner amused Lily and she smiled quizzically at him. She must think I'm crazy, he thought dejectedly.
Before he could open his mouth to say anything, Lily suddenly let out a gasp and started to pack her things into her cauldron. James watched in puzzlement as she continued stuffing her things hastily. Lily looked up for a brief moment and said in an equally brief manner, "I'm late."
James checked his own watch and frowned as he noticed that the next class would not start in the next ten minutes. A good ten minutes. He pointed that out to Lily.
Lily stared at him for the longest time, then smiled at him, confusing him all the more. "I always set my watch ten minutes ahead of the actual time. That way, I get things done faster."
James had to bite his lip from smiling. Then he realized what his mission was when he had decided to look for her all over Hogwarts.
She was about to leave when James suddenly gripped her wrist and asked her to wait. Fear seized at Lily's heart. That was the exact spot he had grabbed the first time. She didn't want another bruise.
James noticed the fear in her emerald eyes and started to let go, but he confirmed his request once more.
"Wait," he repeated in a soft tone, intended to show her that he would not hurt her in any way.
She looked up warily at him again, but she stopped in her tracks all the same. James heaved a sigh of relief and continued.
"You have been a great friends since I have come here…" then he stopped himself when he saw Lily nodding. This wasn't the way he planned it. Damn, but this girl could make him lose his concentration anytime.
"What I mean is-" James corrected quickly. "-I would like the both of us to be… more than friends." There. He had said it. All in one go. Without even stammering. He would have felt pride arise in him if he didn't look up and see Lily's face.
Her expression was unreadable. For a moment, James was afraid that he didn't phrase his sentences well and that she didn't understand his meaning. Then he reminded himself that Lily was a smart student and that she would have figured it out. So he stopped himself from saying anything stupid and instead, tried to read the expression on her face.
"Lily?" he whispered, afraid to know what she would say. This was ridiculous. He never felt that way before. But then again, he had never confessed this way to any girl. The girls had always confessed to him one way or another. Lily was no ordinary girl and that was what James liked her for: the mystery.
But even now, the mystery was too much for him to take. Or rather, the suspense. He couldn't wait any more. He thought that one more minute alone with her without the both of them saying anything would make him choke on air. The irony of it.
Lily finally whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm late. We both are." Then she had left him all alone in the dust, in the greenhouse.
James felt his jaw drop open. Sorry? Was that all she could think of? Sorry because the both of them were late for class? Or sorry because she couldn't accept his love? He just wished and hoped against hope that it wasn't the case of the latter. He grabbed tufts of his black hair in frustration. What exactly did she mean? Sorry? That wasn't the answer he was looking for. What has she got to be sorry about? He's got everything to worry about. He sighed in frustration and stormed back to the Gryffindor common room, slamming the door behind him, deciding to skip the rest of the lessons in that day. He decided that he would just call in sick.
It was the worst choice he had ever made. Not the choice of telling Lily about how he felt, but the choice of calling in sick. Now he was stuck in the hospital ward, forcing huge lumps of medicine into his throat. He was even tempted once, to cast a Throat-Tightening spell on himself, so that he wouldn't be able to swallow any more of those horrid 'remedies'. They were blasphemies, rather, James thought bitterly.
Whoever it was that came to visit him, he snapped at them. Practically barked. Even the other three Marauders, who didn't find it surprising after they took in the array of different colored pills on the side table. Especially to the hordes of girls that had practically crawled to the hospital ward to just come 'visit' him. James snorted at that thought. Visit, indeed. It was more like torture than a nice visit. They had come around, almost leaving him no air to breathe, asking infuriating questions of theirs. Like, how was he and most of all, whether he had a girlfriend. Oh, how he wanted to snap at all of them and say that he had plenty of girlfriends all over the world and that even if he didn't have one in Hogwarts, he would never have one now, seeing their state. He didn't have girlfriends all over the world, 'tis be the truth. He just left them heartbroken after he left each place. They had come to him willingly, each offering a different thing. Mostly, they offered bodies. James had thought then that all that girls wanted was sex, and that they got their ways simply by offering sex services. Until he met Lily. She was so spirited, smart and beautiful, all at the same time. James never knew that such a person could exist. In his era.
In his era, he had never felt rejected before. Until he met Lily. James sighed when he realized the pattern in his life and how he was repeating this life cycle of his.
James thought about nothing else for the two days in the ward. He realized that he was being too abrupt in his confession. He was too complacent by thinking that Lily would fall in his arms just as soon as he made his confession. The thought that Lily wasn't like other girls never occurred to him. But now it had. He had gone and made such a hasty decision to tell her of his feelings. Now he had to make an equally hasty decision to court her. Properly. He would properly bring her flowers and send her gifts. Not to mention lavish her with praises. Yes, he would do it. He would set all his pride aside and get down to the task of courting her rightfully, giving her the just feelings she should experience from his courting. He must make it all possible. He must make her his.
All thoughts like that were forgotten as he found her in the Quidditch Pitch in the late evening. He held the bouquet of lilies and tulips in his hand and nearly dropped it when he saw how beautiful and vulnerable she looked, just sitting there.
James had trouble breathing. Hell, he couldn't breathe at all.
Her hair was still tied up in that ponytail of hers, and James yearned to just run forward and break the band holding the red tides so tightly. James couldn't see her eyes from that far distance, but he could see that she was staring into space at something invisible. It was that look that made her vulnerable and open. Her mouth was slightly open and James had a sudden, aching longing to tilt her chin and kiss her thoughts away. Her thoughts, as well as his. It was time to put his plan into action. He opened his mouth to call her name as he moved out of the dark shadows hiding him all this while when suddenly, her name was shouted out. Not by James.
By Kye. "Lily!" he had shouted, while running towards her, who was half-smiling now. James moved back swiftly into the dark shadows and watched, stunned, as Kye brought another bouquet of flowers from behind his back. Lily had looked surprised as he handed her the bouquet of roses and kissed her cheek gently. Kye then sat down closely beside her and started talking to her.
James looked down in anguish and anger at his own bouquet of lilies and tulips. Compared to the other bouquet of beautiful red roses, he felt as though the bouquet of flowers he was now gripping so tightly had wilted and paled in comparison.
He looked up and then saw Kye's gray eyes had darted forth. In his direction. He pointed at James to Lily. From their position, James wasn't sure if they could see him. In his panic, he dropped his bouquet of flowers and turned to start running. To his dismay, the tunnel was long and winding, and the both of them would definitely see him there in no time, if they started running towards him as well.
So, instead of running, he turned into his Animagus form: the stag. He turned into it just into time, too, for the both of them had indeed started running towards the dark shadow Kye had seen. Lily looked around and saw nothing except a bouquet of flowers and a stag. A stag. Lily repeated that thought in her head once again, realizing how ridiculous it had sounded to her.
Kye frowned at the stag and stared at it suspiciously as he bent down to pick up the bouquet of flowers. Lily saw that the flowers were lilies and tulips. Her favorite flowers. She gasped in surprise and asked softly if Kye could let her have it. Kye raised his eyebrows in surprise, then after a moment's hesitation and staring at the stag, he finally handed it to Lily, to James's utmost relief. Who knows what Kye might do to them.
Then, taking advantage, Kye bent down and kissed Lily's other cheek. Lily smiled gently and asked Kye to go back to his chambers as it was late. Kye offered to escort her back to her own dorm room, but she had refused. She said she needed some time alone. Kye had agreed reluctantly and bent down to kiss her again when she ducked nicely and said goodbye before walking back to the Quidditch Pitch, with the damned stag following her.
James would have sniggered if he wasn't a stag now. The look on Kye's face was worth millions. He staggered behind Lily, tracing her footsteps gingerly. Lily sat down at the benches and tossed a discreet glance to check if Kye was still there. He wasn't, and Lily thanked God for that. She looked down at the two bouquets in both her hands, one with the roses, and the other with lilies and tulips. She then glanced at the stag questioningly, as if to ask how it got there, with the bouquet.
She slowly set the bouquet of roses down. "They're nice," she whispered softly. "But I prefer the other one," she remarked gently as James's heart warmed. He wondered if it was because she preferred his bouquet to Kye's or simply because she smiled that heart-stopping smile of hers. Her eyes had turned misty as she looked down at the stag and nuzzled its head affectionately. James thought he might swoon from her touch.
Lily watched as the stag stepped on the bouquet of roses with a sort of vehemence and smiled amusingly, for if she didn't know better, she would have thought that the stag had something against the person who gave the bouquet. She placed a gentle hand on one of the stag's legs and made it stop stomping on those flowers.
"Don't." she pleaded softly. "Kye would be mad at the sight of this." Then she shook her head sadly. The stag went to her open arms and she enveloped the stag's neck with a rather tight hug.
James nuzzled her neck, and bit on it tenderly, flashing his white teeth, though it belonged to the stag in Lily's eyes. He bit on it, as though asking her why she cared about Kye or his feelings so much. Somehow or other, Lily understood.
She smiled that sad smile of hers once more and whispered against the stag's ear. "I simply can't find a nice way to reject him. But if I really reject him…" her voice trailed off and James nuzzled her further to let her continue. "… I'm afraid he might hit me." James was furious, and he stepped on the roses with more venom.
Lily looked bemused at this sight presented before her and then laughed softly. "Relax there. He hasn't hit me… yet. And I'm not even sure if he ever will." James tilted his head and looked at her quizzically.
Lily laughed and hugged the stag with a kind of fierce protectiveness. She thanked it for being there when she needed company and thanked it for having someone to talk to, although it didn't talk at all. Its body language seemed to say it all, Lily decided. They stayed in that position for what seemed a short time. When Lily shifted a bit to adjust her position as her legs were getting numbed, James thought that she was about to leave. He panicked. He didn't want that moment to end so soon, he wanted it to last forever.
Lily chuckled softly, sending James a pleasant chill down his spine. "Don't worry, I'm not going. Yet. It's late, though, and I think I would have to go sooner or later." James started to panic again, but then decided that it would have to be for the best. After all, there wasn't anything that lasted forever. If there was, then he hadn't experienced it yet.
After a few moments, Lily started talking again, her misty green eyes fixated on the sky. "Today is an eventful day." She smiled. Then she continued. "Today, Kye asked me out." James felt his eyebrows narrow, but that was ridiculous, as he wasn't himself now, he was a stag. Was that what she considered an event? I consider it a disaster, he thought mentally.
"Then… James told me how he felt for me." James felt himself stiffen at the sound of his own name. Lily seemed to sense it as well. "What's wrong?" she asked concernedly. James shook his head.
"I don't know how I feel. The other night, I just… well, fell in his arms? No, he pulled me into them. I tried struggling… but he didn't seem to care or mind. Then I don't know why, I started crying over the words he said. It wasn't his fault, but the words he used just made me think about the past…" her voice trailed off.
Just then, as James was about to respond, he and Lily heard a booming voice from not far away.
"Jamsie-poo!" that voice shouted. James groaned inwardly. He'd recognize that voice anywhere. He had nowhere else to run, and if he transformed back, Lily would never forgive him for the rest of their lives.
"Oh, Jamsie! Where are you!" that sing-song voice interrupted his plans.
Lily looked up and saw Sirius running through the pitch and yelling James's nickname aloud. Sirius spotted Lily and ran towards her.
"Hello!" he cried out loud and softened his tone when he saw Lily place a finger on his lips. When she took it away, he grinned and smiled, "Sorry."
Just as Lily was about to say something, Sirius looked down and let out a bellow of laughter as he saw the stag. Lily gave him a good frown that made Sirius stop laughing. He apologized once more and Lily forgave him for the grin he had on his face. It was rather adorable, and Lily could finally understand why the girls in the school were all over his feet.
"Have you seen my Jamsie?" he smiled down at the stag knowingly, though the question was obviously directed at Lily. Lily shook her head.
"No, haven't seen him."
"Funny, I thought I saw him somewhere around here." Sirius's voice still had a funny musical lilt about it.
Lily shrugged her shoulders and then told Sirius that she was going to go back to her dorm room as her roommates would probably be worrying. Sirius protested that all of them were playing Exploding Snap in the boys' dormitory. Then he almost regretted that decision of telling her that there were girls in his room. Lily was a Head Girl, after all. To his surprise, Lily simply smiled and said, "They are? Well, tell them not to stay out too late and I'll be in my room. I'm tired." She then gave out a tired yawn, as if to prove her point. Sirius smiled and shrugged. He told Lily to go back to her room first and said something about settling something before he went back.
Lily nodded and walked slowly back. Just as James was about to transform back and face the music played by Sirius, Lily suddenly turned around, surprising both Sirius and James. "Sirius!" she called out. Sirius looked up and grinned again.
"Yes?"
"Take good care of the cute stag, all right? See that it's placed back where it came from." Then she put a questioning finger to her chin and added, "Wherever it came from." With that, she smiled and ran all the way back.
James saw that the coast was finally clear and transformed back into his human self. He looked down at the slightly shorted Sirius, who was looking up and grinning mischievously. "Well, Jamsie-poo? How about a game of exploding snap?"
James was more than surprised at Sirius's easy acceptance of it. But he should have known better.
"Come on, you've delayed me long enough, Jamsie-poo. I bet Remus would love to hear all about the new story."
James, curious, asked Sirius what in the world was he talking about. Sirius shrugged, outwardly indifference. Inwardly, he was just excited enough to fly without a broomstick. He finally had a chance to bait James.
"Oh, nothing, just the story called 'Beauty and the Stag'". James glared at him and when Sirius said, "What?" innocently. He couldn't help but mutter a blasphemy under his breath.
"I hate you, Sirius."
"I know that. It doesn't make a difference, does it?" James sighed as he followed the laughing Sirius back to their room. He was right, there wasn't any difference. None at all. God's truth, his life was about to come to its miserable terms soon.