Disclaimer: see chapter 1.
Folded Wings
By Random1377
Chapter 20
Maya kept her head low and her shoulders hunched, pretending she had not heard the small, tentative voice speaking her name from somewhere near the vicinity of her left elbow. Not here, she thought darkly, not her, not now, not ever… just don't look up… don't… look… up.
"Miss Ibuki…?"
God, Maya thought, clenching her teeth so hard that her jaw cracked, just go away!
On some level, she knew that taking out her frustrations on Rei was unfair and almost cruel, but for the life of her, she could not help it. The First was so close to the source of her anger – the Bastard, in her mind – that she found them inseparable. She hated herself for being so cold… but by the same token, she could not find a way to step back and say, 'ok, it's not her fault Kaji chose the Major over you.'
"Miss Ibuki," Rei spoke once more, "I bro-"
"Ahh!" Maya cried, spinning her chair around and shooting to her feet to tower over the girl. "What? What do you want?"
Always a bastion of quietude and poise, Rei simply met her gaze.
"I brought this for you. You forgot it the other day."
Glancing down, Maya spotted her own uniform jacket – carefully folded and arranged – being offered to her… and suddenly, she felt like a complete and utter idiot.
"Thanks," she muttered, her cheeks burning as she awkwardly took the folded garment.
Rei nodded. "You're welcome."
Setting the jacket on her desk, Maya whispered, "I'm sorry."
"For what, Miss Ibuki?" Rei replied. "I don't understand."
Maya had to clear her throat. "For being a bitch."
"I do not hold it against you," Rei said quietly.
Considering the girl for a moment, Maya finally blurted, "I'm sorry you had to be there for that, Rei."
Rei's expression remained neutral. "Why are you apologizing for something that was not your fault?" she asked. "As I understand the situation, Mister Kaji was the one who made the decision to be with Major Katsuragi. You did not do anything wrong."
"God," Maya winced, "do you have to say it so plainly?"
"It is merely my perception, Miss Ibuki, I do not mean to upset you."
Maya forced herself to calm down. "No, I'm not mad at you," she said, somehow managing a smile, "it's… well, to be honest, I'm mad at Kaji – and myself. I shouldn't have thought I could make him love me when he still loved her. I should have seen the way he looked at her, or… or something, I don't know."
She blinked as the blue-haired girl averted her eyes. "You… should not trouble yourself with it anymore," Rei whispered, offering a short bow as she turned to leave. "Good day, Miss Ibuki."
"Wait," Maya said, quickly grabbing Rei's arm, "you… what does that mean?"
When Rei refused to meet her eyes, Maya knew something was wrong.
"Rei," she said carefully, keeping the girl's arm firmly in hand, "what happened?"
Very gently, Rei put her hand on Maya's and uncurled the older woman's fingers. "I… do not know how to say it without hurting you, Miss Ibuki," she said seriously, "please forgive me for being so unsubtle."
"I won't, if you don't tell me what's going on," Maya replied with rising panic. "What, are Major Katsuragi and Kaji getting married, or…"
She trailed off as Rei slowly shook her head.
Maya stepped closer, waiting until the girl looked up before whispering, "Where is he…?"
Rei's eyes seemed to bore into hers. "Miss Ibuki," she replied, her voice so gentle that Maya nearly broke into tears from the instinctual knowledge that the news about to be delivered was a hundred times worse than a simple wedding announcement. "Mister Kaji is… no longer going to be working with us."
For a brief and shining moment, Maya misunderstood. "So he was trans…ferred…?"
One look at Rei's face was enough to tell her that this was not the case.
"…oh God."
She sat back in her chair, her legs suddenly too rubbery to support her weight.
"W-why do you… how are you so sure?" she breathed, unaware of the tears slowly rolling down her cheeks as Rei's eyes refused to meet her own.
"I cannot-"
"Go away."
Maya rubbed her eyes, suddenly seeming much older.
"Go away, Rei," she whispered, "please just leave. I can't… I can't deal with this and you right now…"
"I understand."
"…no you don't."
Maya could not stop the words from escaping her mouth, all too aware of how hateful they were… but feeling the need to vent some of her rage and confusion.
"You don't understand because you're an emotionless little freak – even Sempai says so, when she thinks no one's listening. Get out of here… I don't want to see you ever again."
"Alright."
Closing her eyes, Maya tried to regain control of herself. Don't let her leave like that, she thought suddenly, it's not her fault, and she's… she's the only part of him left, now.
"Wait!"
Maya opened her eyes, but Rei was already gone.
Damn it.
Shutting her raging emotions out – much as Rei herself used to – Maya turned back to her terminal… though after only two minutes of typing, she folded her arms on the desk and rested her forehead on them.
With no one to hear her sobs, she felt no need to hold back.
( 0 0 0 )
Rei stared up at the soft, blue sky, wondering vaguely how things had gotten so bad, but mostly just avoiding conscious thought entirely. Somehow, she mused, I have managed to find myself completely alone… again.
She knew that most normal people would have despaired at this thought, but she was not normal – and she did not need Miss Ibuki's rough observations to remind her. The idea of rising above, or (as Kaji had so casually put it) spreading her folded wings resonated so deeply with her that she knew, even with all of the setbacks she had faced, she could not give up on it.
Somehow, she felt that creating some kind of happiness for herself, no matter how small or temporary, was more important now that Kaji was gone.
It is not so much that I owe HIM, she thought reasonably, but that…I owe myself?
It came across as a question, in her mind, rather than a statement.
She was still so unsure.
"Um, can I sit here?"
Bringing her gaze down from the lofty sky, Rei found herself face to face with the first object of her affections.
"Hello, Miss Horaki."
Flinching at the formality, Hikari nearly fumbled her bento onto the ground.
The class representative, Rei decided, seemed jumpy and ill at ease – as if waiting for someone to jump out of the bushes and scream 'boo,' or, perhaps more accurately, for the other shoe to fall.
"So, er… can I?"
"Of course."
"Thanks…"
Taking a seat, Hikari opened her bento, eating in complete silence as Rei allowed her time to collect her thoughts.
"Asuka… hasn't been talking to me much lately," Hikari said awkwardly, finally setting her bento next to her and clasping her hands together on her lap.
"No," Rei replied, "I don't suppose she would."
Since her release from the hospital following her breakdown, Asuka had not spoken to anyone, really, so Rei was not surprised that even her best friend would be getting the cold shoulder, though Rei herself had no real idea of what the Second's issues were.
It wasn't as if Asuka talked to her, after all.
Hikari folded her hands in her lap, staring down at them for a long moment before whispering, "You shouldn't have kissed me, Rei."
Rei nodded. "I'm aware of that," she said quietly. "You… made it very clear that night."
"Are you gay?"
Blushing, Hikari closed her eyes, not wanting to see Rei's reaction… though she did not retract the question.
"No, Hikari," Rei said plainly, "I'm not."
"So… like, you're bi?" Hikari said, opening her eyes and looking uncertainly at the blue-haired girl.
"No."
Hikari laughed nervously. "What, kissing me cured you of liking girls?"
Rei glanced back up at the sky, thinking for a moment before softly whispering, "I do not like 'girls,' Hikari… I like you."
"I'm a girl, though!" Hikari said with some exasperation. "So either you're bi, if you still like Ikari, or you're gay."
Slowly turning her eyes to Hikari's Rei said, "I am not either one. I don't like girls… I only like you. I… do not have affection for any other girl besides you, therefore I can't be either bisexual or homosexual. You are one of the people I am attracted to. Nothing more, nothing less."
"God, you're so… weird," Hikari said, getting to her feet and folding her arms over her breasts. "Do you even hear what you're saying? I'm a girl, you like me, so you're gay – period."
Rei returned her gaze to the sky above.
"If your definition is that narrow… then I suppose you must be right."
"I'm not like you, Rei," Hikari said unevenly, "do you understand that? I like boys – I like Touji… not you. It'll never be you – ever – for as long as I live."
"…I understand."
Abruptly, Hikari whirled around, grabbing Rei by the shoulders and pushing her back against the bench. "How can you be so calm all the time?" she demanded. "If you really want me that bad, why aren't you fighting for me?"
Rei frowned slightly. "Do you… want me t-"
"No!" Hikari cut in, giving the girl a little shake. "I want to understand you! I've always…" she blushed, but forced herself to continue, "I've always thought you were so cool. I always thought, 'wow, I wish I could be her friend…' but when you kissed me, it made me think… made me think that…"
After Hikari had been silent for a few moments, Rei softly prompted, "Made you think what?"
Hikari shrugged. "I don't know," she admitted, wiping at her eyes as she sank to her knees and bowed her head so that she was staring down at Rei's skirt. "I don't know… if I can describe it, but… I hated you for it."
Rei stared down at the class rep, not knowing what to say or do.
"I hated you for making me feel special," Hikari said quietly, closing her eyes as a few tears trickled down her cheeks and onto Rei's skirt. "I hated that… you were so gentle with me, and that you wanted me to feel the way you do. It made me feel like dirt, because I didn't. It was like you were giving me something precious, and because I didn't want it… it made me dirty."
Tentatively, Rei lifted her hand, resting it lightly on Hikari's head as the girl kept speaking.
"What I hated most… was that I did feel special when you said it was me you liked, and when you first started kissing me. No one's ever been that nice to me… and it made me dizzy – but then I got so mad that it was you and not Touji! I just… I'm not even making sense…!"
Rei shook her head, though the class rep could not see her, and said, "No… I understand what you are saying."
Turning her head so that she was resting her cheek on Rei's lap, Hikari closed her eyes.
"Can we be friends again?"
Gazing down at the girl, Rei whispered, "Yes, Hikari, I would like that… but I thought you didn't want to be friends anymore."
Hikari lifted her cheek, putting her hands under her head and keeping her eyes closed as she replied, "I was mad when I said that, Rei. I've thought about it a lot, and figured out that… I really do like you as a friend. I don't want to lose that." Yawning expansively, she added, "Can you be my friend, Rei – just my friend?"
Rei knew that she would be foolish to ask for more than this… and though she did not say it, she knew all too well that Hikari was probably just looking for something stable, what with her crush in the hospital and Asuka acting reclusive.
But she did not begrudge the girl a little stability.
"Yes, Hikari… I would be very happy to be your friend."
"Ok," Hikari yawned. "I think I'm gonna… take a little nap. I was up all night just…" she yawned a third time, "thinking… about everything."
Slowly stroking the girl's long hair, Rei whispered, "Alright."
It was not exactly what she had been hoping for… but then again, nothing had gone exactly the way she had thought it would. Kaji was gone, Shinji was trapped inside of Unit 01, and Hikari had stated, flat out, that there would never be anything romantic between them.
Watching as the class rep gradually drifted off to sleep, Rei thought that maybe this was ok. At least I have her friendship, she told herself, resting her hand gently on the back of Hikari's neck. I am still in Kaji's apartment… Ikari will, when he is able to free himself, still be involved with me. I am still…
"…moving forward."
"Mm?" Hikari murmured, her eyes fluttering open for a moment. "Did you… say something…?"
"No," Rei said, gently stroking the other girl's neck, "nothing. Go back to sleep, Hikari."
"O…k…"
As Hikari drifted off once more, Rei nodded to herself. Perhaps, despite all of her efforts, she had failed to spread her wings and fly…
…but she still had them, no matter what Kaji said about humans being earthbound, she still felt that she was capable of more.
So long as I can continue moving, she told herself, watching her friend's sleeping face for what felt like hours, then I believe, eventually… I could be happy – even if only for a while.
Unaware that her lips had curved up into a faint smile, Rei waited for Hikari to wake up. Now that they had clarified their relationship, Rei had many things to ask the class representative, and based their discussions she would do her best to keep moving forward.
And until she found more to hope for, that would have to do.
The End
Author's notes: I'm marking this as the end because as of this point, Rei will no longer be the main focus, and clearly, there will be no more interaction with Kaji. I feel that this is a good 'jumping off' point for anyone who got on board for those aspects, or anyone finding this story boring or tedious due to its length or slow speed. Now, my friends, you can consider this a complete story, and not have to worry about being bored any more.
For anyone interested in seeing how the story progresses, I've got a few more chapters up my sleeve. To those leaving – thanks for sticking around this long. For those staying – here's hoping you like what's in store.
-Random.
Deleted scene
This scene was one of the earliest I wrote for the story, but I could never find a place to make it fit in. I'm presenting it here because… well, I'm egotistical. Hope you like it.
Rei stared at the silver tube for several long minutes, taking in every contour. It was smooth… seductive – as if it held all of the mysteries of love and affection within its shiny confines. Abruptly, as if pulling off a Band-Aid, she pulled the cap off, twisting the base until the red tip rose to the top. Again, she paused, studying the end very carefully.
It looked sleek and satiny – almost sexual – and Rei, without another thought, gave in to its call, leaning closer to the mirror and pressing the lipstick against her mouth.
Immediately, she realized that she had made a mistake. The lipstick was warm and greasy, like fat rendered from meat and left to congeal on a hot summer day, and as she spread it on, Rei realized that she was not able to get it in a straight line. Regarding herself in the mirror, she did what she had seen so many girls at school doing.
She rubbed her lips together.
The lipstick smeared.
Frowning slightly at her reflection, Rei found not a seductive diva staring back… but a circus clown, a sideshow freak – pale, dull-eyed, and painted like a whore.
"How disgusting…"
Frustrated, Rei lifted the tube of lipstick, hoping that there was some kind of instruction or tip sheet secreted inside. A noise behind her drew her attention, and Rei turned just in time to see Kaji's hand flying through the air. She flinched back instinctively, clenching her eyes closed as the lipstick tube was smacked from her hand, spinning end over end to land with a sharp crack on the hard tile floor.
Opening her eyes, Rei found Kaji towering over her, his face flushed with color as his normally calm eyes flashed with rage. An involuntary whimper escaped Rei's lips as the man grabbed her arm, whipping her around and pushing her closer to the mirror.
She trembled, afraid for the first time since feeling Kaji's hand around her throat. For reasons she could not fathom, she had angered him – no, infuriated him – and now… now she would pay the price. She waited breathlessly, anticipating what her punishment would be. Perhaps he would make her leave… perhaps he would scream and berate her… perhaps, in the ultimate act of degradation, he would take her over his knee and spank her like a little child.
None of these things came to pass.
After nearly a full minute of forcing her to look at her hideous reflection, Kaji's grip loosened, his eyes losing some of their fire as he reached out and yanked the towel off of the shower rack. Without a sound, he turned her to face him, thrusting the towel at her, then shaking his head in annoyance and doing the job himself.
Rei held perfectly still as Kaji scrubbed the lipstick off of her mouth, pursing his lips in obvious distaste as he used every corner of the towel in an effort to clean the greasy substance off of her. Finally, he gave up, literally throwing in the towel and leaning back against the wall with disgusted, self-deprecating snort.
Turning to the mirror, Rei found that she no longer recognized herself. Her face was flushed a brilliant pink, and two, faint streaks of lipstick remained on her cheek where Kaji, in his haste, had accidentally wiped them… but her lips – her lips were puffy and red, not bleeding, but not all that far off.
Still unsure of what she had done, Rei turned to Kaji, prepared to follow in Ikari's footsteps and apologize, but before she could speak, Kaji reached out and grabbed her, pulling her up against him and resting her head against his chest.
"Don't."
It was the only word he would speak to her that night. Rei was not sure if he meant don't wear lipstick, or don't talk, but in his fierce embrace, she found that it did not really matter. She would not do either – ever – if it angered him this much…
…and if he would consent to hold her like this.
Not a word was spoken as he slowly released her, bending over to pick up the lipstick and slamming it brutally into the trash can. Docile and silent, Rei followed him out of the bathroom, still confused about what had angered him, but feeling the need to stay close. She remained at his side as he cooked their dinner, saying nothing as she handed him the ingredients he gestured for.
They stood in silence as the pot simmered, watching the rolling water swirl the ingredients around. After several minutes, Kaji turned to Rei, putting his hands on her shoulders and positioning her directly in front of him. Rei remained perfectly still as he leaned forward, touching his lips briefly to her forehead in a soft, apologetic kiss. When he pulled back, his face was so sad and forlorn that Rei wanted to assure him that she was not hurt.
For some reason, though, she found herself unable to break the silence.
As they waited for their dinner to finish cooking, Rei carefully leaned against Kaji, resting her head on his arm and tentatively taking his hand in hers. In spite of his encouragement, and his slowly growing comfort with her presence, Rei found that her deepest, most experimentally romantic thoughts were not about Ikari.
She closed her eyes.
In the silence of the kitchen, with the uncertainty of inexperience, Rei thought that she might be falling in love.