Disclaimer: see chapter 1.
Folded Wings
By Random1377
Chapter 27
Shinji had absolutely no idea what to say. Misato had left him alone with Rei, citing the need to fill out some paperwork, and since she had gone, Shinji was at a complete loss for words. Should he kiss her? Hold her? Her head was bandaged, but otherwise she seemed intact. He simply had no idea how to start talking to her.
And every time he tried to formulate a sentence, he kept tripping over the same five words.
I shouldn't have left Asuka…
"Th-thank you for saving me."
There, he thought miserably, I finally said something. It was lame and stupid, but I said SOMETHING.
Rei continued to stare down at her hands. "I saved you?"
Shinji shot her a sideways glance. "You… you set off Unit 00's self-destruct. You saved my life."
"Oh," Rei whispered dispassionately, "is that what happened?"
"You don't remember?"
Rei slowly shook her head. "No," she said simply. "I cannot… I can't… my head hurts."
Swallowing, Shinji asked, "Do you need some… some aspirin or something?"
"No."
"Oh, ok…"
Something was wrong. Was this the same girl he had been making out with just a couple days before? The one who had told him, so softly, to help Asuka?
Damn it, I know Asuka's in pain, he thought, trying to force his mind to change gears. But Rei… Rei was gone! Shouldn't I support her, too?
"Was there something else you needed?"
Shinji's stomach clenched into a tight knot. "Do you remember… anything from the last week?"
Rei considered this question for a long, long moment before slowly shaking her head.
"This month, then?" Shinji asked with growing horror.
Again… Rei shook her head.
Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Shinji somehow managed to ask, "What do you remember, Ayanami?"
When she turned her eyes on him, he nearly stumbled back, shocked by the listless neutrality in their crimson depths.
"I remember that I am the First Child," she said calmly. "You are the Third… Souryu is the Second. My… residence has recently changed," her brow furrowed as if trying to lock onto this thought, "…hasn't it?"
Shinji covered his face with both hands, taking a deep, shaking breath as the reality of the situation settled over him. "What do you… remember about m-"
"I do not like answering these questions," Rei interrupted quietly. "I would like to rest now."
"S-sure…"
Rising to her feet, Rei stepped past him, but hesitated as she reached for her door.
"There is… something…"
Hopefully, Shinji leaned forward. "Something?" he prompted as she trailed off. "Something about me?"
"Yes…"
"Well… what is it?"
Rei stared down at the floor. "It is… indistinct," she said slowly. "I cannot… remember clearly but…"
"Yeah?"
"I cannot put it into words."
"Oh."
Shinji's shoulders slumped as Rei pushed her door open and stepped through.
"I'll… I'll visit you tomorrow. Bye…"
A shiver ran down Rei's spine, and as the door to her hospital room swung shut, Shinji was sure she whispered, "…don't say goodbye, it's too sad," but when he knocked… she did not reply.
With nothing left to hold him there, he went to Misato's office to wait for her to be done with work. When they returned home, they found that Asuka's backpack and shoes were gone.
She did not leave a note.
( 0 0 0 )
The Commander looked up from his desk as Rei knocked on his door. "What do you need?"
"May I speak to you, Commander?"
Gendou nodded, gesturing for her to come all the way into the office. In the two weeks since the release of this clone, things had gone to hell. The Second, now useless, had left Katsuragi's care and gone to ground somewhere – where, exactly, Gendou did not care, as long as it was not too far from Tokyo-3.
She had sensitive information. He would not lose track of her, useless or not.
Shinji's synch ratio had dropped a bit, but he was still able to pilot, regardless of the way he moped around the base and kept his eyes on the floor. As far as Gendou was concerned, the worse he felt about himself, the better – that was the nature of the AT field, after all.
What did concern him was this newest clone's odd behavior. She had returned to her old apartment at first, then gone back to Kaji's, as if unsure which place was hers. What had happened, of course, was clear to Gendou, as he had ordered a slight 'housecleaning' on the newest clone.
Unfortunately, it seemed that Doctor Akagi had been a bit overzealous… in more ways than one.
Damn that woman, he thought as Rei slowly approached his desk. If she wasn't still usefully to me, I'd have her disposed of rather than simply incarcerated.
"Well?" he prompted after watching Rei stare at him for over two minutes. "What do you need?"
"I am having… difficulties."
Gendou pursed his lips. "You'll have to be clearer than that, Rei."
"There are… gaps," Rei explained hesitantly. "Pieces of the past I cannot remember… memories that should be there, but are not."
Lacing his fingers together, the Commander murmured, "Are these gaps affecting your piloting abilities, or preventing you from remembering what your purpose is?"
"No sir."
"Then don't linger on them," the Commander advised. "Extraneous thoughts are a waste of your time anyway… this way you will not have to concern yourself with them."
"Understood."
"There is something else?"
Rei nodded. "Sir," she said slowly, "I cannot feel… them any longer…"
Gendou's lips compressed. "No, I don't suppose you would, since Doctor Akagi has… disposed of the others. You are the last, Rei."
"…understood."
"The memories that you are missing."
"Yes?"
"How far back would you say they go?"
Rei's brow creased faintly. "They are not… sequential," she said uncertainly. "I can recall everything up until three months prior, but after that, there are, as I said… gaps."
Couldn't even get that right, Gendou thought coldly. She shouldn't have ANY recollection of the past 3 months… Akagi, you may think there's nothing more I can do to hurt you, but I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken.
To Rei, he said, "You will need to make due. I recommend moving back to your old apartment… perhaps a familiar venue would help you regain your memories."
Tilting her head to the side, Rei regarded him. "May I please stay where I am, Commander? I find it… comfortable…"
Containing a sigh, Gendou nodded. She would if it was an order, he thought darkly. Damn it – even though she cannot remember why, she has grown attached to that place.
Impulsively, he said, "What is your primary reason for living?"
"Complementation."
"And your secondary reason?"
"To destroy angels."
Gendou felt a bit of the tension leave him. "And do you have any other objectives?"
"No sir," Rei replied immediately, "those are my obligations."
Perfect.
"If there is nothing else, then you are dismissed."
"Yes, sir."
As the girl took her leave, Gendou glanced down at the papers on his desk, frowning slightly as one caught his eye. "Day after tomorrow," he murmured, lifting the small staff photo with the word 'Fifth' written across the bottom.
"Nagisa, eh?"
( 0 0 0 )
Rei wandered through Tokyo-3 with no real destination in mind. Since it was a warm, clear day, and she had nowhere to be, she simply allowed her feet to move, barely even taking note of where she was going.
This area is familiar, she thought, rubbing her temple as she turned down a side street. Perhaps I have been here before?
Houses marched past as she walked, each just the same as the last – to Rei, anyway. Each held a family, or at the very least a single person, but why should she care?
She was simply an instrument.
"Forgive me, Commander."
Rei blushed faintly. She had not meant to speak aloud… but then again, she had not meant to lie to the Commander, either. The truth of the matter was that her memories were not as incomplete as she had said. It would be more accurate to say that they were muted, or blurred – images and feelings of the past just barely beyond her reach.
It would have been easier had there been nothing. As it was, Rei felt that she was always on the verge of uncovering the missing pieces of her past, but each time she tried to concentrate on clarifying her thoughts, they slid away and vanished like smoke on the wind.
The feeling that a simple nudge or strong push would bring everything back into focus was as maddening to Rei as having an itch that could never be scratched.
"Grant me wings that I might fly."
Rei's head whipped around as the lyrics of a song drifted through one of the houses open windows.
"My restless soul is longing. No pain remains, no feeling. Eternity awaits…"
"Wings…?" she echoed as the song trailed off into silence. "Folded… wings…?"
"Rei?"
The First Child looked up. "Hi… kari…?"
It was an odd thing, to call the class representative by her first name… but it felt right. And when the brown haired girl dropped the suitcase in her hand and rushed up to her, wrapping Rei in a warm, familiar embrace, the question of how close they might have been over the past few months seemed rather moot.
"Ohhh I thought I wouldn't get to see you," Hikari moaned, resting her cheek on Rei's shoulder. "Did Ikari tell you I was moving? I tried to come to your house, but no one was home." She smiled as she pulled back. "You left the door unlocked again, though… silly."
"S-sorry…"
"Ikari told me that you got hit in the head," Hikari said soothingly, "and that you forgot some stuff… but you remember me, right? You must have, because you're here!"
"I remember you," Rei said carefully, realizing suddenly that she could almost remember the feel of the brown-haired girl waking up at her side.
Were we… lovers…?
No, this felt wrong… but something very close.
"I wish I could stay with you," Hikari was saying, cutting into Rei's musings on the exact nature of their relationship. "I'd… you can't come with us, can you…? I just feel so bad that we're leaving when you have to stay. Is there any way you could…" she trailed off, sighing heavily, "sorry, I'm babbling… you can't leave, you're a pilot."
"Yes," Rei agreed. "I am a pilot."
Hikari took her hand, holding it in both of hers as she whispered, "I'll come back for you, ok? When everything's over, I'll come back and find you… and we'll be friends again, ok? Promise me you'll stay alive until I come back for you."
Though this was not a promise Rei could make, she still nodded.
"I… I had to tell Touji goodbye today," Hikari said unevenly. "They're making him stay, even though he said he'd never pilot again. Sad, huh? And I only got to be his girlfriend for a little while…" Abruptly, she shook herself. "Take care of yourself, Rei," she said warmly, "and good luck."
Not knowing what else to say, Rei stammered, "Th-thank you…"
Hikari gave her a hug, holding her for several, wonderful minutes before pulling back and whispering, "Here… one last time, ok? A going-away present from me to you. I really do love you, Rei, and I'm sorry I couldn't… love you the way you needed to be loved."
Gently, she turned Rei's head and gave her a soft, tender kiss.
Rei's stomach did a lazy summersault as the brown-haired girl's lips connected with hers, and a memory struggled to rise to the surface of her mind… but before it could fully materialize, Hikari had broken away.
"Good luck, Rei," she said once more, wiping her eyes as she finally stepped back, "bye…"
Rei's throat was too tight to speak as the other girl strode quickly to where her father was waiting for her, waving only once as she climbed into the car… and burst into tears as the car backed out of the driveway and headed out into the city traffic.
Standing on the curb, Rei watched until the car was out of sight, trying to recall the way it felt to be held and kissed – the first time. She knew there was a first time, because she could feel the memory of it buzzing at the corners of her mind, but for the life of her, she could not make it come to the fore.
"I… I don't remember," Rei whispered, rubbing her temples as her head began to throb, "I don't… remember any of it."
Taking a shuddering breath, she recalled something that Hikari had said.
Ikari… Ikari must know of this, as he was not close to Hikari before… before I can remember, and she spoke of him familiarly just now. I must speak with him…
With this resolution, Rei started off in the direction of NERV central, where Shinji was due to undergo routine synchronization training that evening.
As she walked, she occasionally brushed at her eyes.
For some reason… they seemed to be leaking at the corners.
Continued…
Note: the line 'grant me wings' and the next couple lines after are from the song Beloved by VNV Nation.