I Will Remember You

See Prologue for Disclaimer

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I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

Amanda's first thought when she saw him sitting in the gazebo was that she was hallucinating. But his hazel eyes held a sorrow that she'd never dreamed possible. She wanted to go to him, wrap her arms around him, and make all the bad disappear. Instead, she stood in the doorframe with her hands in the pockets of her jeans staring back at him. Her feet rooted to the floor. The gray haze of his skin suggested that he had had a rough couple of days. Mr. Melrose hadn't confirmed that Lee was the one who had found Sleece's partner and the manuscript but she figured as much. Now, seeing his hollowed face, she was certain of it.

When neither said a word after a few minutes, she moved inside to sit beside him being sure to leave a safe distance between them.

"Hi." His voice was hoarse as if he'd been up a long time.

"Hi," she squeaked. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut trying to calm her nerves. He'd always been the one to rescue her but now he was the one person she feared most. When she had tried to open up to him, come clean, he shut her down. She wouldn't allow herself to be hurt again. "Why are you here?" she asked curtly.

Lee cleared his throat, discomfort on his face. He shrugged his shoulders, then rubbed his hands on his thighs several times. She couldn't help but watch in fascination at his obvious nervousness. Amanda could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen Lee Stetson nervous, which only served to make her more nervous.

He motioned toward the house. "Getting settled back in?"

She nodded. The ease that she normally felt when they were together was gone. An awkward silence left in its place. What she wouldn't give to have this week erased from their lives—to go back to being friends and partners slowly moving towards something more. "You were the one that found the book." She spoke confidently, knowing he couldn't deny it.

"Yeah." He stood and paced the small floor of the gazebo.

"How? Why? I thought you were glad to be rid of me." His shoulders sagged forward—she had hit a nerve.

"Francine . . . she interrogated Sleece again." Amanda glared at him skeptically and he continued, "I asked her to since Billy wouldn't let me anywhere near him after my last attempt at 'talking' to him," Lee said referring to the way he had to be pulled off the pale, trembling man in the Agency detention room.

"Yeah, I saw that. You really need to be careful, Lee. One of these days you're going to really hurt someone."

"Amanda, I came by to talk about . . . well what happened between us. Things that were said and not said . . . by me." He slicked his hand through his hair and took in a gulp of air before slowly letting it out.

Amanda crossed and uncrossed her feet; both afraid and anxious to hear what he would say. She could see the battle raging inside him. He parted his lips as if to say something, but then closed them again; his sharp eyes looking past her as if trying to gain some composure.

"Lee –"

He sat next to her; this time closer. "No, I need to say what I was . . . too afraid to say when you came by my apartment." He picked up her hand and held it in his, rubbing it gently with his thumb. "It killed me to push you away." He squeezed her hand as if it was his lifeline. "I thought you would be better off without me in your life. Before I came along you were safe. Your family was safe."

"You've kept us safe," she interjected.

"You'd bebetter off without me. But . . . I wouldn't be better without you. I thought I was doing the right thing letting you walk away; but, thanks to you, I know I deserve to be happy." His faint smile held a touch of sadness.

She nodded and placed a gentle kiss on the palm of his hand.

"I'm a selfish bastard, Amanda! With my past, I don't have the right to ask you to stay; but without you I don't think I'll make it. I want to be the man you see . . . or used to see when you looked at me." His thumb was now caressing her cheek and tracing her lips. "I'm selfish for pushing you away and I'm even more selfish for wanting you to stay. The fact is: I need you, Amanda." He gazed at her with a mixture of hope and anticipation.

Tears blinding her eyes and choking her voice she swallowed hard. "You . . . need me?" She pulled his hand from her cheek and gently laid it on his knee, rubbing it gently.

"Amanda—"

"I'm just not sure I can trust my feelings, Lee. I've tried so hard to push through the walls you've built up over the years and just when I finally felt like they were crumbling, up they came again." He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. "You let me walk out that door thinking that you didn't care, knowing that it could very well be the last time we ever spoke." She struggled with the uncertainty that had been aroused by his sudden honesty. "I can't go through that again, Lee. I need to know that you're with me every step of the way. We've faced every kind of danger and we've come through it as long as we've stuck together. Dangers of the heart are every bit as scary as dangers of the body."

"When you found me at the bar, I realized that I had given up. On you . . . and me." She stared at the floor, not trusting herself to stay focused if she looked him in the eyes. "I went home that night and called Francine to start the interrogation again. We worked all night on the few leads we had and that's why when you found me the next afternoon it appeared I was a bit uh . . . worse for wear."

Amanda's head snapped up in disbelief. "You weren't drinking?"

"No, but I sure needed one after you left. I wanted to stop you from leaving but my instincts said to let you go—that you'd be better off without me endangering your life. Besides, deep down, I knew that I'd see you again. We were meant to be . . ." he shrugged. "Fate," he whispered shyly.

"Well, it wasn't the first time your instincts have been wrong, and I'm sure it won't be the last." She smiled at his surprised look.

"Cute." He grinned as he fingered the collar of her shirt. "I would have been here sooner, but we had to fly back from South America. Seems our guy wanted to get a suntan while he shopped around for buyers." He shook his head. "Anyway, Francine helped me work the case in Rio. She really worked her tail off. But then she had a good reason . . ."

"A lot of lives were at stake." Amanda nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, including hers. Chapter 3, page 135, talked about a certain loose-lipped blonde agent taking cooking lessons."

"Oh! Poor, Francine!" She giggled. "Well, all's well that ends well."

"Not quite." He moved forward and brushed his lips against her mouth before pulling back slowly. "This case isn't over yet." He nuzzled her neck making it difficult for her to concentrate on his words.

"It's not?" Her eyes drifted shut, and she squealed when he nibbled her earlobe.

When he didn't answer, she pried open her eyes to find him gazing at her and shaking his head. "Oh, no." He kissed the tip of her nose. "See, I nearly let my partner walk out of my life and . . . well, I have a lot groveling to do."

"Really?" Her face brightened at his flirtatiousness. "How long do you think it will take?"

"However long it takes." He stared purposefully into her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere."

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

The End