Disclaimer: The usual--GL & Co. own everything, I'm just here playing!
Author's Note: If you are wondering about Master Luminara Unduli, she's a character that I first encountered in The Approaching Storm. I loved her character and how she was able to relate so well to both Obi-Wan and Anakin, and she seemed to be able to see into Anakin, and he respected her. Given Obi-Wan's aversion to healers, I wanted someone who he would be comfortable with, and someone Anakin would listen to. Technically, Luminara's Padawan, Barriss Offee, is a healer, but I wanted someone Obi-Wan would consider an equal, so I made Luminara a healer.
Liana-chan: Thank you! I love sabre battles, you know! Yeah, Padme is pretty mad, but her little "brother" just lost his arm and could have died! But it was fun to write, too!
loke: I KNOW! I'm kinda dreading the release of ROTS because I'm in such denial that they will hurt each other so much. I'm not fond of evil, Sithly Anakin that is mean and hurts everyone around him. This will be much better!
Monchy: Holy Crap! You read and reviewed my stories! As a HUGE fan of yours, I'm so very honoured! I did a happy dance just for that, but then you were so kind, too. Yes, when I write, I do "see" it in my head, and that's how it spins out. I'm so glad that others see it the way I do--I must be doing it right. Yes, please keep reading!
Phoenix Red Lion: Force, did you make me laugh! That is exactly the reaction I was going for--I wanted her to be so angry that she was unfair and ruthless. But I think, deep down, she knows that they actually love each other. We'll see...
Alchemy Dream: Lovely and appreciated as always! If you thought he was stuck on rewind before...
Vee017: Glad you like it, and yes, Padme was pretty brutal. But remember, she's been his confidant for many years, and we all know Anakin can be a bit of a whiner, a trait he unfortunately passed on to his son... Perhaps she is not a reliable narrator, though.
XtinethePirate: big giant hug Thanks for all your patience on this chapter. I couldn't do this without you! Your love of ObiAngst seems to be rubbing off on me...but I still believe in happy endings, never fear. May this still bring you some sniffles. Love you!
Chapter 2: Memories Seep from my Veins
"You spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough…"
--S. McLachlan, Angel
The cruiser slowly came to rest, its ramp descending to meet the durasteel deck of the small hanger on the country estate. A warm, aromatic breeze blew into the cabin, fluttering their long Jedi robes behind them. With Luminara's assistance, Obi-Wan hobbled down the ramp, each step a small agony for the still-tender wound in his thigh. Tap, step, step. Tap, step, step. How he hated the utter indignity of having to use a cane.
I feel as old as Master Yoda with this Sith-cursed thing! Anakin would tease...he corrected himself…Anakin will tease me mercilessly when he sees this.
He paused at the bottom of the ramp, drawing in a deep breath as he waited for the throbbing to subside. It was a beautiful day on Naboo, filled with warm summer sunshine and white puffy clouds, but even that did not diminish the storm he sensed approaching.
He felt her before he saw her. There was no mistaking the anger that cast tumultuous ripples in the Force. Inwardly, he braced himself, as he reluctantly looked up to see Padme standing in the doorway of the hangar. She was attired in her regal Senate robes, with her hair swept up in one of her gravity-defying signature coiffures. With her arms crossed defiantly, eyes blazing, it was easy to understand why she was an effective politician—she exuded intimidation without even saying a word.
"Just what the Sith hell are you doing here, Obi-Wan? I thought I made myself perfectly clear on Geonosis when I told you to stay away."
Nothing has changed, then. Obi-Wan's shoulders sagged in despair as Padme's anger and resentment rushed over him like a solar flare. He gathered his strength and began the arduous journey over to the Senator. Tap, step, step. Tap, step, step.
Luminara moved between them, lightly laying her hand on Padme's ornately embroidered sleeve. "Senator Amidala, please. I know how much you care about Padawan Skywalker; we all do, that is why we are here."
Padme stiffened at her touch, offering her an icy, yet polite, smile. "Master Unduli, while I am grateful that the Council has sent their most gifted Healer for Anakin, I was under the impression that you would be coming alone." She flicked a disapproving look toward Obi-Wan. "I am not sure you are aware of all of the…circumstances… surrounding Anakin's injuries. Master Kenobi," she said, voice dripping with disdain, "should have informed you that he is not welcome here."
Obi-Wan inhaled sharply, trying to still the anger he felt rising from his core at her utter dismissal of him, as though he were not even there.
With a soothing tone, Luminara sought to dispel Padme's anger. "Senator, I assure you, I've been in contact with your healers here on Naboo, and have been briefed on Anakin's condition. I understand he initially responded well to the bacta, but is still unconscious?"
A frown of worry flitted across Padme's face, her anger momentarily diverted. "Yes, unfortunately. Master Unduli, do you really think you will be able to help Ani? I'm so worried about him—he seems so weak, and his wounds…his arm…," Padme trailed off, with more vulnerability than Obi-Wan had ever heard her express. Underneath the hostile regal Senator was a scared young woman—she actually seemed her true age, for once.
Luminara nodded her head. "I will need to see Anakin in order to determine a course of treatment before I can give you any kind of prognosis. May I see him now? I think it would be best for all involved if I got started immediately." Luminara's eyes darted from Padme to Obi-Wan.
"Of course." Padme gestured to a nearby servant. "Please escort Healer Unduli to Anakin's chambers. Thank you." She turned to Luminara. "Master Unduli, I will be leaving for Coruscant before nightfall, but would appreciate it if we could speak again before my departure," she said, returning to full Senatorial mode.
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. Politicians! His distaste for politicians had always been a point of contention between him and his Padawan. Anakin insisted that Padme was somehow different, a special case. They're all cut from the same cloth. She's no different, trading on her status and power to get what she wants—in this case, keeping me from Anakin.
Eyeing Obi-Wan, she continued, "Master Kenobi and I have some unfinished business to discuss before our return to Coruscant. If you'll excuse us," she said, and before Luminara could reply, Padme forcefully grabbed Obi-Wan's arm and dragged him, limping, out of the hangar to small garden with an elaborate fountain.
He winced as her fingers twisted muscle that had yet to fully heal, his leg struggling to submit to the sudden change in speed.
"Sit down," she commanded, in a voice that brokered no argument.
He pulled his arm away. "Padme, please, my arm…"
"At least you have an arm to complain about, Obi-Wan. Sit down," she sneered derisively.
He complied, but only because he thought his leg was about to give out on him, throbbing as it was from the exertion. He blew a breath out of his pursed lips in an attempt to let his anger and his pain flow into the Force.
With as much confidence as he could muster, between his pain and her intimidation, he looked her in the eye. "Padme, I am not returning to Coruscant with you. My place is here with my Padawan. I've been gone long enough as it is."
She snorted. "Oh, because you were ever there in the first place? No wonder Ani complains that you never listen to him! Do you ever listen to anyone, even yourself? I told you, Anakin doesn't need you. He has me, and now he has a Healer here to bring him back. Your presence is not required, Obi-Wan." She stood up and moved away a few steps, her back to him, as she focused on the trickling of the fountain.
The accusation hurt. Because I know it is true, I don't listen. If I had, maybe…But it doesn't change anything right now.
"Padme, I know you do not want to hear this, but Anakin does need me. I could feel it through our bond, even on Coruscant."
"You two and your damn bond. It almost got you both killed," she muttered, shaking her head. "I'm so tired of the two of you using it to justify doing whatever it is you want to do, regardless of the consequences or how much it hurts each of you!"
"What would you have me say, Padme? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to just tell you that I don't care for him and just walk away, just abandon him when he risked everything to save me?" His voice rose and started to shake with pent-up emotion. "I cannot do that to him; I will not do that to him! My place as his Master is at his side, to help him heal and move forward in his training once he begins his recovery. I cannot do that from Coruscant, Padme."
She whirled around, waving an angry hand in the air. "I will speak with Master Yoda—."
"Padme, the Council agrees that my place is here; why else would they have allowed me to travel?"
As if they could have stopped me from coming…"I am not leaving you here with him. He doesn't need you," came the stubborn response.
Quietly, "Yes he does. Let go of your anger, Padme. You know it as well as I do."
She turned away from him again, her stately robes swishing around her legs, her hands clenching and unclenching in frustration.
They stayed there, neither saying a word, for what seemed like an eternity, the only sound that of the splash of the fountain.
Both were startled when Luminara appeared. With considerable effort, Obi-Wan stood up. He tried to read her expression, her emotions within the Force, but was unsuccessful.
"Luminara, did you see him? How is he?" he asked hopefully, as he hobbled over to the Healer.
She eyed him carefully, her expression frustratingly neutral. "Obi-Wan, I think it would be best if you went to see him yourself." She laid a hand softly on his good arm. "My friend, this will not be easy for you, I fear, but there is much hope. Go to him."
Obi-Wan's eyes misted over, a reaction he stubbornly attributed to the increasingly throbbing pain coming from his shoulder and thigh. Ignoring Padme, he smiled gratefully at Luminara and slowly limped into the mansion.
(Anakin, I'm coming.)
Padme watched him leave with a frown of disgust on her face. Her eyes flicked up to meet Luminara's.
"How is he doing?" she asked, with just a touch of concern.
Luminara was confused. "As I said, there is much hope that Anakin will have a full recovery."
"No, I meant Obi-Wan. He looks very…fragile," her deep brown eyes narrowed.
Luminara shrugged. "Obi-Wan is Obi-Wan. He will never complain, nor will he take the time to care for himself. His wounds are quite severe. They are healing, but it is really too soon for him to be so active. I am worried that he will sacrifice his recovery for Anakin's sake."
Padme harrumphed, folding her arms across her chest. "He shouldn't be here."
"You do not want Obi-Wan to go to Anakin? Why, Senator? Despite his injuries, he is Anakin's Master."
In a barely composed voice, Padme replied, "He may be Anakin's Master, but Obi-Wan does not understand Anakin or his needs. Ani and I have been friends for as long as he has known Obi-Wan, and I know how hard Anakin has worked to earn a kind word, an acknowledgement of his successes. He desperately wanted—desperately wants—to win Obi-Wan's approval! If Obi-Wan had shown Ani that he cared and was proud of him, none of this would have happened to Ani—he would never have tried so hard!" Angry tears threatened the corners of her brown eyes. "I just can't bear the thought of Ani blaming himself for all of this when he wakes up, instead of placing the blame where it belongs!"
Luminara's eyes widened with understanding. "Haja! You believe Obi-Wan is responsible for Anakin's injuries? Just because he is the Master? Is Anakin not an adult, capable of making his own decisions?" She shook her head incredulously. "Senator, if you'll forgive me, you are not a Jedi and you simply do not know— cannot know— enough about the Master-Padawan relationship to make that assumption. And, as for being a friend of Anakin's, you don't seem to understand their particular relationship at all."
That sharp remark from the normally serene Jedi caught Padme's attention.
She responded in a tone far harsher than she had intended. "Master Luminara, I know that I am not a Jedi, but I assure you, I understand all too well what that relationship is all about. It is always about what Obi-Wan demands, and rarely about what Anakin needs. I have listened to Anakin for years—".
"Yes, Senator, but have you heard what he has said, or more importantly, what he has not said?" Luminara suddenly stopped, although she seemed on the verge of saying more. She bowed slightly, continuing in a more respectful tone. "I apologize for my impudence, Senator. It is not my place to interfere or judge; my duty is to care for Anakin. I must tell you, however, that Anakin's recovery, and Obi-Wan's, for that matter, hinges on the two of them reconnecting, both through their mental bond and through their relationship."
Padme was surprised at the Healer's frankness. Could she be right? "Oh yes, the bond, again…," she said with just a twinge of sarcasm.
"That is the nature of the Master-Padawan relationship, of their bond, and of the Force, Senator. Anakin, as you know, is very unique in his ability to connect to the Force. Obi-Wan may be the only one who can find Anakin and bring him back." She gave Padme a gentle, knowing smile. "Perhaps it is for the best that you will be departing for Coruscant; this discord between you and Obi-Wan may only hinder Anakin's progress."
Confusion and frustration left Padme without words. She nodded mutely, and left Luminara, heading for the transport that would take her to the galactic capital.
Oh, Ani, I hope I'm doing the right thing leaving you…
Bloody Sith Hell! Obi-Wan swore to himself, as he stopped yet again to catch his breath and rest the leg that quivered from overuse and throbbed in time to his heartbeat. Thankfully, this hall had a cushioned bench. Just how damn big does one need a house in the country to be, anyway?
He had already gone up one level, and down two, or was it three, hallways? Perhaps he should have asked for directions, but he was using his Padawan's Force-signature as his guide. He would find Anakin on his own; he did not need anyone's assistance. He was Anakin's Master and it was his duty to find him.
As he sat there, he tried not to think about Padme's words, nor the disconcerting conversation he'd had with Luminara enroute to Naboo. He tried to focus his energies on stopping the pain that pounded down his leg and across his shoulder.
Instead of finding focus, something else found him. The memories started to come unbidden.
The first time he met Anakin, on Padme's starship, as they blasted away from Tatooine.
"A pathetic life form, that's what I thought of him. And he knew it, then."
Telling Anakin, in the wake of Qui-Gon's death, that he would be a Jedi.
"I did it because I loved Qui-Gon, it was his last request. Did Anakin know this as well?"
Taking some of his own Padawan braid to create Anakin's, symbolically linking them together forever as Master and Padawan.
"He was so proud to have that braid; he showed it off to anyone who would look."
Obi-Wan sighed deeply, lost in the memories of that young boy with the big blue eyes and boundless energy. He hadn't even realized his eyes were closed. I'll never get there at this rate. He struggled to stand, putting most of his weight to bear on his good leg and the cane.
At the end of this long, opulently decorated hall was a suite of rooms. Anakin's rooms. It seemed so close, and still so far away. As he began his tortured gait, the memories continued to wash over him, increasing in their frequency and intensity.
All the times he woke to find Anakin shivering in cold and fear at his bedside from a nightmare.
"All he wanted was reassurance, to know he wasn't alone."
All the times he had to cover for Anakin with the Council when he'd broken some part of the Padawan Code.
"He knew I'd do it, despite my anger and disappointment. I knew I would, too."
The white double doors were getting closer. Unfortunately, the excruciating pain in his leg, now joined by his arm in a symphony of torment, was once again forcing him to stop. "Force, help me!" he groaned out loud, as he leaned his weight against the wall, his breath ragged. He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to focus his strength.
The wonder on Anakin's face the first time he held a lightsabre.
"He was such a natural; as though the weapon itself was created solely for Anakin Skywalker."
The night of Anakin's 19th birthday, when they shared a glass of Corellian brandy.
"It flushed his cheeks immediately, and I teased him for it. That made him pout, which only made him that much more beautiful and endearing."
That last thought caused an ache deep within Obi-Wan, an ache not made by Dooku's lightsabre.
With a grunt, he pulled himself off of the wall, and continued to hobble to his destination, now just a few treacherous steps away. The memories were relentless now.
The swagger Anakin had when he knew he was being watched…
His peals of laughter right in the middle of a stern lecture from his Master…
His insistence that, despite what Obi-Wan said, he would not be the death of his Master…
The passion he had for the people he cared about, the lengths to which he would go to protect them…
The thunder in his voice when he told Dooku "you're going to pay"…
The convulsing of his body as the Sith lightning ravaged it…
The dark look in his eye when his green blade slashed down to protect Obi-Wan from Dooku's death blow…
The thud of Anakin's unconscious, battered body as it smashed into Obi-Wan's…
Obi-Wan reached the door just in time, as his body gave out from the physical and emotional strain. He collapsed into a plush velvet chair that sat just outside the door, his body shaking and his vision blurring. He brought his hands up to his face, only then feeling the wetness on his cheeks. I must stop this right now. It would never do to have Anakin see me this way, so emotional, he admonished himself. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Anakin needs me. I will not let him down.
Once again struggling to stand, Obi-Wan reached for the golden handle of the door. Slowly, he pushed the thick, heavy door open and entered the room. Bits of dust danced in the golden sunshine that streamed through the open windows, temporarily blinding him.
As his eyes adjusted to the light, he scanned the room, noting how it was somehow both sterile and yet luxurious. The space was tastefully appointed in various shades of white and blue, with a thick, soft carpet the color of the blue milk Anakin favored so much. White lace curtains waved lazily in the breeze, framed by velvety navy drapes. A set of double doors stood open, allowing in both the rays of the late day sun and the fresh scent of the lake. Through the doors was a large patio that overlooked the lake, with an unparalled view of the mountains. Normally, Obi-Wan's aesthetic sense would have appreciated such a place; now, he barely noticed as he struggled into the room that held his Padawan.
(Anakin, I'm— ) He cut himself off.
He had been in no way prepared for what now lay before him.
"Oh, Anakin!" was the anguished whisper that left his lips as he staggered forward to the left side of Anakin's bed.
Anakin, his Anakin, lay frighteningly still in the center of a large bed, his head propped up slightly by several pillows of various shades of blue. The bed itself, carved from a rich dark wood, was adorned with white silk sheets and soft, fluffy-looking blue blankets. Against Anakin's skin, the bedding only seemed to accentuate the pallor his skin had adopted. Always a desert boy, Anakin had never really lost his perpetual sun-kissed complexion. But now…now he was pale, so pale, and Force, but he looked weak. Honey colored lashes kissed those pale cheeks, keeping his vibrant blue eyes from view. Despite all this, Anakin still looked youthful, handsome, but most of all, peaceful.
Obi-Wan couldn't believe the changes in Anakin in just two weeks. It might as well have been two months, he thought bitterly. Anakin was shirtless, probably to allow access to the numerous dressing changes he had initially needed. Now, just a couple of patches remained, as well as many faint yellowing bruises along his ribs and abdomen. The bacta had done wonders, though—so many of the grievous wounds he had incurred were now soft pink scars, well on their way to healing.
Bacta had also had another curious effect— as it had accelerated the body's healing ability, it also had accelerated hair growth. Short golden curls had replaced the bristly Padawan cut, and were fanned out around his head on the pillow, almost like a halo. Obi-Wan tentatively reached a shaking hand up to Anakin's hair, smiling with trembling lips as he gently ran a hand through those soft curls. Anakin's hair had been stick-straight as a boy. Another effect of the bacta?
His breath caught in his throat when he saw Anakin's Padawan braid, draped across his bare chest, rising and falling with each breath. Obi-Wan lifted his hand from Anakin's hair, and picked up the plait between his fingers, letting it slide slowly through his thumb and forefinger. It, too, had grown. It needs to be rebraided, my Padawan. His heart swelled at that thought. You are still my Padawan, Anakin.
When his eyes fell on the white sleeve on Anakin's right arm, concealing what was no longer there, Obi-Wan lost whatever remaining hold he had on the grief and guilt he had suppressed for two weeks. A wail of anguish escaped unhindered as his body shook with a torrent of sobs. No longer able to stand, he sank into the chair at Anakin's bedside, his hands covering his face, his body rocking back and forth, as he mourned the loss of that arm, the loss of Anakin's innocence.
Anakin, how will you ever forgive me? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
With tears pouring down his cheeks, he reached over and took Anakin's left hand into his own, entwining their fingers. He reached up with his other hand and began to softly finger some of the blonde curls near Anakin's ear, as he leaned in close and whispered soft nonsense words of comfort to his Padawan.
At some point, as the Nubian sun drifted behind the mountains, the grief, pain, and exhaustion all mingled together, overwhelming Obi-Wan. He didn't even realize it when his body relaxed into a deep slumber, his head on Anakin's bed, still holding his hand.
(Anakin, I'm here…) was his last thought as he succumbed to the peaceful darkness.