Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

Author's Note: It's amazing what kind of motivation reviews can be. Usually, I just get shy and tongue-tied but—hey, wouldn't be this far without y'all. If you like this story, then be proud. And, yes, the title of the chapter is the same as the song from Macy Gray. Hate her/it or love her/it, it fits; just be thankful this isn't a songfic and that I'm not inserting lyrics every other paragraph, huh?

Additional Note: Yet again, sorry this's taken so long. RL stuff can be a bitch, as I'm sure you know. That and I just suck when it comes to this kind of thing. Sorry if this is insanely short, but I'm going to get out chapter five this month (hopefully insanely soon), so just hang in there, crazy people who like this fic.

Chapter summary: The situation doesn't seem to be under Paine's control, as much as she'd like to think it is. Her relationship with Rikku is changing, slowly but surely. To make matters worse, Rikku doesn't seem to be as 'in the dark' as Paine had hoped...

Chapter 4: I Try

When Paine woke up it was dark. As far she could tell they had slept so long they had skipped afternoon entirely. Why hadn't someone tried to wake them up? A glance down confirmed that the weight on her upper body was Rikku and that the younger woman was still asleep. Paine shifted, wincing at the crick in her neck and laid there, staring up at the ceiling and allowing herself the pleasure of waking up slowly instead of jerking into awareness. Sleeping double in a single bed was proving to be difficult, regardless of how nice it was to be with Rikku.

Not that this is going to become a habit, Paine thought. Then she remembered just the night before, they had been sleeping together, too. And at that, she moved her hands to shake her friend awake.

"Hey," she said. "Wake up. It's dark out."

Rikku made a small mewling sound and snuggled closer to the warrior. Paine rolled her eyes to the ceiling and shook a little harder.

"C'mon, we gotta get up," she said. "At the very least, you gotta get in your own bed."

Finally, the thief showed signs of waking up. She sighed, her breath puffing up the material of Paine's shirt, and her arms tightened around the older girl's waist. Paine bore the 'abuse' stoically.

"S'bemmuf'c dymgeh'," Rikku mumbled sleepily in Al Bhed. "'C'dnuipma."

"You're gonna get trouble all right," Paine said. "If you don't get up. C'mon." A pause, then, "My neck is killing me."

The rare show of weakness got Rikku to pull away, but not without little mumbles of displeasure. Paine shook her head then winced again and sat up. She rubbed the back of her neck, glancing around the cabin area.

"We slept the day away," Paine said. She glared half-heartedly at her friend. "You're a bad influence on me."

"I'm a bad influence," Rikku repeated as she stumbled out of bed. "She says I'm a bad influence on her." The blonde snorted. "I ask you!"

"Are you talking to me, yourself, or the wall?" Paine asked absently as she got out of bed as well, to straighten the covers.

"I dunno," Rikku teased. She turned and tilted her head, watching Paine fix her bed. "Talking to you is kinda like talking to a wall."

"Walls don't talk back," Paine pointed out. She went along with the banter easily as she finished tidying her bed and started on her clothes.

"Okay. A wall with an attitude problem." Rikku grinned, nose crinkling. "Better?"

"Oh, yes," Paine drawled sarcastically, walking around the bed and Rikku. "Very, thank you."

"Hey," Rikku said, quickly reaching forward. She caught Paine by the wrist and was pleased when Paine didn't automatically tense.

Paine turned and lifted an eyebrow, looking faintly amused. "Yes?"

"Can we talk about the thing you don't wanna talk about now?" Rikku asked with sweet innocence.

"What, I don't get to eat first?" The look of amusement surfaced completely. "You really are demanding, Rikku."

"You love it," Rikku replied, tugging on Paine's hand. "We could talk about it breakfast?"

"Dinner," Paine corrected, ignoring the first comment. She gestured with her chin at the windows. "Let's just focus on eating first," she hedged, starting to pull away.

Knowing this was all she was going to get at the moment Rikku let the warrior go and flounced past her to peer down into the dining area. "Look's like Barkeep's gone to bed," she tossed over her shoulder. "Guess we gotta fend for ourselves."

"What's new?" Paine asked rhetorically as she started to move down the stairs.

Once they were down, Rikku immediately flicked on the lights and moved behind the bar, rummaging underneath it.

"What are you doing?" Paine asked, sitting down at the bar and eyeing Rikku. "And why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like it?"

"I'm gonna cook for you!" Rikku announced, straightening with a broad grin and a small apron in her hand.

Paine leaned forward, peering at what was written on the object. "'Kiss Me, I'm Hypello?'" The apron had been a gift from Brother to Barkeep and she'd never paid much attention to it. She lifted her eyes to Rikku's cheerful face and smirked. "Oh, Rikku, why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you wouldn't understand," Rikku sighed dramatically, trying to figure out how to put on the smaller apron.

"Do you need help? I'm sure I could aid you in your new lifestyle. I know how it is to live a lie." Of course Paine didn't let it show on her face and in her eyes that those words she'd just spoken were making her think more seriously than she should.

"Csyndycc," Rikku teased. "Get back here and help me out!"

Mumbling about a demanding thief who was getting too big for her britches, Paine moved around to assist her friend. It took a while, but finally they got the apron on Rikku in a way that could be considered halfway decent.

"You and your clothing," Paine said. Her hands finished tying it up and she rested them on Rikku's shoulders briefly to let her know she was done. "I'm surprised you haven't gotten arrested for indecent exposure while you're out."

"Yet," Rikku said, turning to face the warrior and smiling up at her. "Now get out of my kitchen."

This got a raised eyebrow and amused stare out of the taller woman. "Your kitchen? Does Barkeep know anything about this?"

"Of course," Rikku answered blithely. She shoved at Paine's shoulders. "Out."

"Now I get it," Paine said, obliging and make her way back to her stool. "You and Barkeep are having a torrid love affair."

Trying hard not to laugh at the idea, Rikku went continued. "It's true love."

"Interspecies true love," Paine said, resting her elbows on the bar and her chin in her right palm.

Rikku said nothing. She merely pointed to the apron and lifted her eyebrows

"You want me to kiss you?" Paine voiced, playing dumb. Uh oh. Bad idea. Teasing's moved to flirting. She hoped Rikku wouldn't say something stupid and insane like 'yes.' Just as Rikku was about to reply she blurted out, "What would Barkeep think?" before the other girl could make their game dangerous.

The thief blinked, shut her mouth and smiled slowly. Not saying anything, she turned and walked further into the kitchen, starting to pull out pans and food items.

Exhaling quietly, Paine closed her eyes briefly. That was close. Loosening up a little is fine but when you're ready to leap over the bar and kiss her senseless, it's time to yank the reins back a little. Eyelids fluttering open, Paine forced herself into her usual expressionless self.

But this time it didn't come as easily as it used to.

"For something I could have made myself," Paine remarked, pushing away her empty plate, "that was pretty good."

"I'm glad you liked it," Rikku said, wrinkling her nose as she smiled. "I would have cooked something a little more elaborate, but I didn't wanna mess up."

"It's not like you've got to save face," Paine said, brow furrowing slightly. She took a sip of her juice and leaned back in her chair, slinging an arm over the back of it and watching her friend thoughtfully. "I'm sure you could do better than a couple of fried egg sandwiches and a salad."

"Yeah," Rikku agreed quietly. She ran her right index finger around in the condensation her glass left behind on the table. "I guess." She bit her lower lip, glancing up. "Paine…"

"You want to have that talk now," Paine said.

The thief nodded, quickly looking back down at the table. "I understand if you're not comfortable talking about it, but…" Seemingly having to force herself to be straightforward, Rikku straightened up and met Paine's gaze evenly, her green eyes bright. "If there's something bothering you, I want to know about it."

Paine said nothing for a while, letting her mind turn the proposition over and over as she held eye contact with Rikku. We've got a choice to make here, she thought. This could go so many ways. Is it worth the risk?

"Paine?" Rikku tried, leaning forward. She looked like she wanted to reach across to Paine but refrained from doing so.

"Yeah," Paine mumbled, blinking quickly. Making her decision, she said, "I appreciate the offer, Rikku, but it's something I've got to do on my own."

The younger woman made a face. "You're not just saying that because you've got to be your stoic warrior self, are you?"

"No," Paine said, allowing herself a small smile. "I'm not. It would be easier to keep it to myself."

Silence for a few moments and then Paine continued, her voice lowering, "Please, Rikku. If becomes important enough to tell you about, I will." There. I hardly ever use the word 'please.' Hopefully this'll buy me some time… enough time to figure out what I'm going to do about my attraction to her.

Rikku blew out a harsh breath, hair fluttering up at the movement.

"All right," Rikku said finally. This time she didn't stop herself from reaching out and touching the back of Paine's hand. "Just remember…"

"You're here for me," Paine said, rolling her eyes and suppressing another smile. "I know." She glanced down at their hands and slowly withdrew hers. "We should go back to bed," she said abruptly.

Brightening, Rikku opened her mouth to say something, but Paine cut her off.

"In separate beds," Paine said firmly. "I'm not going to get a headache because of you."

"You've got plenty of headaches 'cause of me in the past," Rikku pointed out, grinning.

Paine stood up, grabbing their plates and glasses. "The others'll start talking," she warned, walking behind the bar to the kitchen. She deposited the dishes into the sink, eyeing them, before deciding to leave the cleaning up for the morning.

"Who cares about them?" Rikku asked, bouncing up to follow Paine.

The two of them started back up the stairs, Paine flicking off the lights on the way up. The only light afforded was the moonlight entering through the windows, creating a gently intimate atmosphere, the hum of the Celsius adding to it.

Paine moved to stand in front of what used to be Yuna's bed, staring at it. Yuna had always slept in the middle, and now that she was gone… what? She couldn't take it just to be closer to Rikku. Besides, the idea of being closer to the other girl was absurd at the moment, considering. Just as she was musing over that Rikku sidled up next to her and hesitantly wrapped an arm around the taller woman's waist. Though there was a slight flinch, Paine didn't move away and the thief took this as permission to hug her gently.

"I kinda miss her," Rikku said quietly, "but then I kinda don't. D'you know what I mean?"

"Mmn," Paine mumbled, eyes closing briefly. Don't hug her back, don't hug her back. You'll end up in the same damn bed and you know it. "Yeah," she said. Her arms hung lankly at her sides. "I do."

"But she's happy… isn't she?" Rikku's voice wasn't just soft anymore, it was vulnerable. She turned to look up at Paine. "She'll be happy not to go zoomin' around Spira with us; to hang out at home with Tidus and the others." A blink and suddenly Rikku's eyes were bright again, but this time with tears. "Right?"

Mentally, Paine cursed whatever omnipotent being that was listening for putting her in this situation. Then she cursed Rikku for being so attached to Yuna, but immediately felt guilty. It wasn't Rikku's fault. There was something in Yuna that just drew you to her and kept you there, whether you wanted to be or not. The warrior suspected it was even stronger when the ex-summoner was your own flesh and blood.

"Sure," Paine answered after a moment. Sighing softly in defeat, she urged Rikku to sit down on Yuna's bed with her. "C'mon, Rikku, you know she's wanted this for a while. You know… to start a family of her own…" She trailed off awkwardly.

Rikku rested her head on Paine's nearest shoulder and nodded. Paine kept her gaze resolutely ahead. But then Rikku started sniffling, and then quietly crying, and Paine had to look at her, had to wrap an arm around the smaller woman's shoulders and hug her close. She had to murmur comforting nothings into her ear; she had to rest her head against the other girl's and give it the barest hint of kisses.

In the end, they ended up lying down together in Yuna's bed, Paine flat on her back and Rikku curled half on top of her, their arms wrapped around each other.

After Rikku had calmed down, Paine was determined to tell the thief to get up and get in her own bed but didn't have the heart to do it. Instead, she started to talk.

"This isn't just about Yuna, is it?" Paine asked, her voice a low burr in Rikku's ears.

There was no answer for a while. And when Rikku did start to reply, she sounded young and timid. A rush of protectiveness went through Paine and she hugged Rikku hard, angry at herself for ignoring this until just now, so that all her emotions had built up and were bubbling over.

"I've thought about settling down," Rikku admitted. "I mean, not, like, getting married or anything but maybe hanging out on Besaid with the gang. Playing blitzball with Tidus and Wakka, goofing around with Lulu's kid, relaxing with Yuna… I thought that maybe I'd really do it when Yuna decided it was time, but." She shook her head and sniffed. "She did it earlier than I thought she would, ya know? I thought we were all gonna party here, and when we got older, we'd—" Rikku felt silent.

"Things have a way of sneaking up on you," Paine said, her tone filled with irony.

Rikku picked up on it and pulled back a little to look up at her friend questioningly. Her face, especially her eyes, was red, and it just added to the image of a young girl Paine felt she should protect at all costs.

I'm being ridiculous, the warrior thought. Rikku can take care of herself. This is all a part of life. So why…?

"They sneak up on you and happen too fast," Paine continued, glancing at Rikku. "All you can do is to try and keep your head above water and hope you don't end up drowning."

"Some things are meant to happen that way," Rikku said, suddenly serious.

Paine looked at her sharply, eyes narrowing and nostrils flaring. She wanted to ask just what the hell Rikku meant by that, just what exactly she was playing at here. Then she remembered she was being pretty vague herself, and calmed down. But only a little.

"I guess," Paine said slowly, watching Rikku for any signs to hint at what she was talking about.

"Ya know… really, really important things…" The younger woman glanced down and started to fiddle with Paine's pendant. "Like…"

"Like what?" Paine asked, voice rough. She winced internally, hoping Rikku wouldn't notice.

Rikku did, but didn't comment on it. "Love," she said, daring at that moment to look up and catch Paine's eyes.

She tried her damnedest to not look flustered, she really did and by general comparison she didn't. But Rikku recognized the widened eyes; the quickened heartbeat and breathing, the flex of strong hands at the small of her back as if Paine could grab what caught her off guard and strangle it.

Neither of them said anything; Paine unwilling to talk about it further, Rikku afraid of spooking her friend enough where she would kick her out of bed. That was the last thing she wanted.

And then Paine closed her eyes tight as if in pain and growled, "Go to sleep," arms tightening around Rikku's waist once before loosening to a comfortable position.

Rikku smiled, nose and mouth crinkling at the corners, putting her head back down on a strong shoulder.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear she planned this, Paine thought, as she felt and heard Rikku settle into sleep. All this love talk… she can't be suggesting…? No. I—I don't. Not like that.

Fortunately, she wouldn't remember what she thought last before she finally drifted to sleep.

I don't… yet…


Al Bhed translation:

S'bemmuf'cdymgeh' means "M'pillow's talkin'" and 'C'dnuipma means "'S'trouble."

Csyndycc means "smartass."