"I was pregnant once, I've never told anyone that " Natalie told John as she continued to rock the baby. John walked closer to her as Natalie began to again speak as a few more tears began to fall.
"I was stupid enough to give in one night, one night, hell I it was my first time, no one gets pregnant on the first time, what a stupid line and I just fell for it, me smart street wise me, he was older, much older, and well... I... was stupid. I'm not sure If I was sixteen yet or not but It was close to my birthday, I found out ...and lets just say I was shocked, angry at myself for being so dumb. I didn't know what to do, I mean... I was freaking fifteen almost sixteen and I had no one, I couldn't count on Roxy, I had been taking care of myself since I was five and what was I going to do with a baby, how could I give it food, give it shelter, care for it, I barely had those things myself. So I told no one, I stole some money from Roxy's casino fund jar, she was so drunk all the time she didn't even miss it. I made the appointment and was on my way to the clinic on Ninth Street when I stopped a few blocks away. I started breathing quickly and heavy as if I was hyperventilating, I sat on a bench, I concentrated on getting my breathing under control and when I did I knew... I knew it was because I couldn't do it, couldn't go thru with it" Natalie said as the tears continued to fall slowly down her cheek. The baby had fallen asleep and she continued to rock her. John walked even closer and met her eyes, he knew she needed and wanted to get this out.
"So I went back home, still not knowing what to do.. What was the best thing for me or for the baby I was now carrying. I mean.. I didn't know what to do John, I was barely sixteen, still in High school having a baby of a guy I barely knew, I had life in me ..a life.. how could I have ever thought about giving that up, getting rid of it." Natalie said shaking her head slightly
"You were young and scared Natalie, you shouldn't beat yourself up about that." John said continuing to meet her eye's.
"I know John but.. but.. I still didn't know what to do, I had no other choice, none, I had to do what was best for the baby growing inside me. I had to think about that baby and I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it, so I decided to have it. I hid the entire pregnancy under baggy clothes and no one knew, I started going to the clinic on a regular basis to make sure everything was alright with the baby and I even starting taking those nasty vitamins. Every day that went by, every month that went by I was falling more and more in love with this little life growing inside me. I would feel it move inside me and it was an indescribable feeling, I would sit for hours just waiting for the baby to move, move inside of me. until...until one day not far from when the baby was suppose to be born, I didn't feel it. There was no movement, not the entire day. I felt nothing, all I felt was a lose .. and.. and the dream of having someone to love and love me back was lost that day along with the baby. " Natalie said as she watched John's eye's become glassy like hers. Natalie waited a few minutes as a few more tears fell down her cheek. She gently caressed the face of the sleeping baby in her arms as she started to again speak.
" They took her out of me to make it easier on me. I..I didn't get to hold her, or even see her, I only knew she was a girl cause one of the nurses told me. The doctor at the clinic took care of it; I had known him since I was a little girl. I just left the clinic a few days later like nothing ever happened. I don't think I ever went back there again, to that clinic, I never even went passed it ever again." Natalie said as she continued to softly move her fingers on the baby's cheeks feeling her soft skin. she looked up and again looked into John's eye's before she spoke.
"I had thought about it.. and I took all that had happened as Gods way of telling me, telling me I wasn't fit to have a baby, not then , maybe not ever" Natalie said continuing to stare into John's eye's
" That's not true Nat, maybe it was just a test, " John said moving a little closer to her and the baby.
"A test?" Natalie asked softly and confused
"Yeah, maybe to see how strong you were, to see how much you could endure, to see what type of person you were" John spoke softly moving even closer
"I don't know... but all I know is.. it was for the best, best for me, for my baby, for what could I have given that baby, I didn't know I was a Buchanan yet , I had nothing, what did I have to offer a baby, what do I have now to offer this baby if my sister doesn't ever wake up" Natalie said as she looked down giving the baby a quick glance before refocusing her eye's on John's
"Natalie, you have so much to offer" John said as a nurse came in the room and cleared her throat. Natalie wiped away a few tears left on her cheeks. The nurse took the baby to the nursery for her routine check. John and Natalie continued to stare at one another, Natalie was still in the rocker with her hands resting on her stomach and John placed his hand a top of hers, he kneeled down in front of her.
"Love, you have so much Love to offer " John said as he reached up with his thumb to wipe away her tears as they started to fall again. He leaned in, as did she and he wrapped his arms around her. He held her as she freed herself of all her tears, tears that were building for the child she was all those years ago and for the child that had never been.
"I never told anyone, I never told anyone" was all Natalie could say as she let him hold her while she cried.