Months.

It's been months since she's spoken to Elliot. Managed to avoid him at every turn; blocked his number; ignored all of his attempts to contact her in other ways. She's finished.

After leaving him in her parking garage that fateful night, she made the heartbreaking decision to walk away. To give her mind, body, and soul time to heal and process. To grieve his loss from her life, again. This time it's on her terms, but the devastation feels the same.

When everything with the Wheatleys ended, she half expected him to pack up and hightail it back to Italy. Take Bernie and Eli back to his home, back to the life he made with Kathy and without her. However, he planted roots back in her city, a city of millions that wasn't big enough for the two of them. Everything reminded her of him, and that infuriated her, lit a fire to her already volcanic rage. It took her years to get over him the first time, years to settle into the acceptance stage of grief. Years to stop looking over her shoulder, to find his face at every diner or hot dog cart, to expect him to come running when she inherently needed him. This time, he's still in her space, and he could be anywhere, so she looks on instinct, a reflex.

She hates it.

They've had one case over the past six months that SVU needed OC's help with; Liv took vacation days and sent Fin in to run it for her. Uncharacteristic of her, but so be it. Spending quality time with Noah during parts of his summer vacation was always important to her, so what if it coincidentally happened when they caught a case? She still helped from home, communicating with her team and Ayanna. It all worked perfectly, and her point was made with a flourish. Elliot Stabler could fuck off.

The petty, vindictive side of her is happy. Grateful to excuse herself from his bullshit, ridding herself of endless guilt, apologies, and excuses. Her choice this time, and she feels empowered. She doesn't need his presence or validation in her life, just like she hasn't needed him for the past decade. Screw him.

Screw him.

Of the five stages of grief in mourning the loss of Elliot, the one she is stuck on is anger.

He is always a text, phone call, doorbell, heartbeat away. It unnerves her.

But, she's Olivia. And she worries. Secretly checks up on him. Remembers old times fondly, unable to stop the onslaught when the wine settles in her belly after a bad day, when she's desperate to put her pride aside and reach out, desperate for the answers only he can give. Desperate to see him. Feel him. Make sure he's real in flesh and blood and not the ghost she lived with for a decade.

He is always a text, phone call, doorbell, heartbeat away. It warms her.

It shouldn't.

She misses him.

She shouldn't.

And this is the current state of Olivia Benson. Contradictions of hurt and heart. Resentment and resolution. Frustration and fondness. Numbness and nostalgia.

Beyond the obvious, she misses the Stablers, who had just resurfaced in her life. She felt a kinship with Eli, felt like somebody's daughter with Bernie, felt like an aunt again with the girls. Even Dickie, the one she had the most tumultuous relationship with years ago, had become the most delightful man: quiet but earnest, all of the endearing qualities of his father. Often, Dickie was the one to privately chat with her about Elliot, making sure he was going to therapy and facing his demons. Most times she didn't have an answer for him, other than assuring him that she'd always be there if his father needed her. If any of them needed her.

Part of that promise was now a bold-faced lie. Or was it? The inextricable bond between them was always an unshakeable force. She could never hate him, and that's what hurts so much.

Of course, Noah adored them all, fitting right into the Christmas gathering as if he'd always belonged, another Stabler son or grandson in a houseful of light and laughter. That cozy afternoon where time stood still, memories shared, Kathy was honored, and Olivia did not feel out of place. Noah has been asking for months when he can see them again, reminding her almost daily that a sleepover with Kieran and Seamus was promised (when she and Maureen were tipsy on wine and everything was fun and festive and perfect). How she wishes she could have bottled up that moment, a moment where she didn't have to think about the reason for the reunion, where she could just belong. She still feels the blush of the spot on her cheek where Elliot chastely kissed her goodbye, the kind of kiss any friend, for now, would give. Now she finds herself rubbing that spot absentmindedly, often, when she's deep in thought and can't shake the ramifications of her choices.

Maybe she owes him a chance to explain. Maybe she's finally ready to hear whatever he has to say. Maybe there's an excuse out there valid enough to forgive.

Maybe he can go fuck himself because no excuse is valid.

If the roles had reversed, she would have moved heaven and earth to save him. She would have given her life. She would have been his partner, regardless of the turmoil of their past. He once told her they were partners, for better or worse. And he missed her worst. She would never recover from the betrayal she now feels every time she thinks about him.

And she thinks about him a lot.

He must have told the Stabler clan to back off and give her space because she hasn't heard from any of them since Christmas. She's grateful and annoyed. All but one is a grown adult; they can't reach out? Send a simple text to say hello and check-in? Or maybe since she's not their father's built-in savior anymore, they have no use for her. But then she remembers that she's ghosted them as well, and a wave of guilt rushes over her. When she cut Elliot out of her life, she inadvertently cut them out too, and it was all fear-based nonsense. She didn't want to circle his orbit, didn't want his kids to tell him they talked to her, didn't want to carry on any secret relationships behind his back. Ignoring the problem wasn't a Benson trait, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

She is starting to understand Elliot's motivation a lifetime ago when he walked away. It's the same pull she had when she escaped to Oregon and Computer Crimes, and the same feeling she has now. Their relationship always tinged with longing, false hope, and pain. Always on the precipice of something wild and extreme; forbidden. She wonders if Kathy gave him an ultimatum: if he had to choose between his wife and his best friend. His family or his job. Liv wouldn't have blamed her; after Jenna, she knew how unraveled they were. What a mess he was. How feral their relationship had become, neither one willing to remain captive and restrained. It was just a matter of time. Elliot left, and time stopped.

So, here she is. Conflicted. Curious. Confused.

Wrecked.

She knows she's a bear to deal with at work. She tries to compartmentalize, tries to be everyone's anchor, tries to be the captain her squad deserves, but the stress is overwhelming. McGrath is overwhelming. The fact that she can't be truly happy for one goddamned second is overwhelming.

The squad is buried in a difficult case (when isn't it a difficult case?), and she's literally and figuratively dealing with heat. The central air at the 1-6 is no match for this heatwave gripping the city, and everyone is cranky and miserable. Tempers are flaring, fieldwork is a bitch, and they are getting no closer to finding the proof they need to make an arrest.

So when Maureen Stabler's number flashes on her screen on this scorching July day, her heart sinks to her knees. Because, of course, right when she's in the middle of something extreme, the universe is going to pile on more. But she answers anyway. For the Stabler kids, she always answers. And there's Maureen on the other end of the phone, bubbly and enigmatic, chattering about her crazy boys and their nonstop mentions of Noah and how she'd love to make good on their Christmas promise and have him over for a long-overdue sleepover before the summer ends.

Maureen sounds so much like her mother, a great mother, that it makes Liv feel sentimental and agreeable. However, Maureen also appears completely clueless, and Liv has a decision to make. Her pause must speak volumes because Maureen interjects first.

"Liv, I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. Dad mentioned that you two were going through some things and that maybe we shouldn't bombard you."

"Did he?" She ponders Maureen's statement for a second, the understatement of perhaps her entire life. If 'going through some things' meant that she was dealing with round two of his desertion and destruction from years gone by, well there was probably no other way to explain it to his houseful of aggressive people-pleasers that were dying to get to know her again. She could laugh and cry at the entire situation- the fact that even though this was all entirely her choice this time, the feelings suck the same. How Elliot avoided her for ten years, she has no clue. She can't even make it for a few months. The Stablers have always been magnetic, her kryptonite, and Maureen's voice is drawing her back in. How can she say no?

"I would love for Noah to spend time with you and your boys. He would love that, too."

"How about Saturday night? I'll have the boys with me when I check in on Grandma. Would you like to drop him off there instead of driving further to my house?"

Confusion sets in, and Liv scans her brain for any updates she may have missed about Bernie's wellbeing. "Why are you checking in on Bernie? Is she okay?"

"Oh yeah, it's just my turn on Saturday. We are trading days checking in on her now that Dad's back in Italy."

Liv feels the needle scratch over the record of her life. She manages to croak out a faint, "What?"

"Italy- you know, the trip he's on with Eli. Dad brought him back to see his friends for two weeks. I guess he has some meetings to take while he's there- wrapping things up for good before coming home."

Liv's heart resumes beating, and she can't believe how relieved she feels. A trip. Not permanent. She didn't drive him away for good. For good. He's leaving Italy behind for good and coming back home. Why does it matter when she's spent months giving him the silent treatment? Why does she care so much?

"Um, yeah, Saturday works out great.." After trading times and other quick information, she tosses her phone across her desk in disgust about so many things.

A gentle tap on her office door brings her out of her frustrated trance, and she looks up to see a sheepish Fin peeking around the corner. "Hey, Cap, delivery's here. Figured you could use a fresh beverage." He places the peace offering, a giant iced coffee, in front of her, taking the seat across from her desk. "Wanna talk?"

"About what, Fin?"

"About why you've been so…"

"Bitchy?"

Fin huffs out a laugh. "I was going to say preoccupied, but sure, we'll go with bitchy."

She chuckles in response, grateful for the levity that only Fin can bring to a conversation. The iced coffee is helping her mood as she takes long, grateful sips.

"Does your mood have anything to do with a certain, bald, pain-in-the-ass detective who suspiciously hasn't been hovering around your office for the past few months?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Pretty much. So, what did Stabler do this time?"

Liv eyes her longtime friend, debating how much she's willing to share. It only takes a few seconds before she decides to go all in. What does she have to lose?

"It's what he didn't do." She takes another hard gulp as Fin waits for her to continue. "Fin, Elliot was here. In New York. Back when…" She shakes her head, unable to say it, and waits for Fin to recognize the hidden meaning behind her vagueness. When his eyebrows raise in understanding, she feels the courage to push on.

"When he came back last year, and I found out he was in Rome all this time, that kind of solved a puzzle in my mind. I always wondered if he knew about Lewis. If he knew about what happened and didn't bother to be here for me. But Rome was the way out. Of course, he wouldn't have known if he was thousands of miles away, and I felt… peace. But he was here. He already knew about Lewis. Fucking Wheatley forced him to admit it that day we met him at the diner."

Fin cocks his head, his detective brain processing the timeline. "And you haven't talked to Stabler since."

"No. We got into it after we left the diner, and I walked away. I needed time to process.. Time to be mad, I guess."

Fin nods and they sit in silence for a few seconds, a minute.

"Can we just be 'Fin and Liv' for a minute, Cap?"

"Always. Of course. You know our friendship comes first."

"Did Elliot try to explain?"

Liv furrows her brow. Whose side is he on? "Yes, he tried, but I shut him down. I didn't want to hear another reason. I'm tired of his excuses and apologies. I just wanted-"

"To be pissed off. I get it. But…"

Liv's jaw slackens. "But what?!"

She watches as Fin stares at her, softens, changes his tactics. She feels interrogated, and she knows he senses it too.

"Look, Liv, I know you love the man. Why aren't you fighting for him?"

"Because he didn't fight for me! I know he couldn't, before. I mean, I would have never interfered with his marriage, but I thought he'd at least be a person in my corner after Lewis, and he deserted me. I needed my partner, and he wasn't there."

He stares at her pensively, letting a few moments pass in reflection before he speaks. "You sure about that?

"Fin, what are you talking about?"

Fin, ever the stoic companion when the moment calls for it, quietly lets Liv get her emotions in check. "Listen, this is not my tale to tell. If you want answers, you need to go to the source."

"Sorry, I'm not playing games, and I'm not groveling to Elliot for answers."

"Not Elliot."

"Okay, if not Elliot, then who?"

FIn studies her, and seconds once again feel like minutes. "How's his mom doing nowadays?"

"Bernie? She's okay. Living with Elliot. Back on her meds."

"Her mind still sharp?"

"Yeah, Fin, probably sharper than all of ours put together. Why do you ask?"

"Not sure if there's a way to casually bring up 2013 to his mom, but she may have some answers for you. Maybe you should visit her."

"I can't interrogate Elliot's mom. If it means I'm putting her through grief, I won't do it."

"Well, then maybe it's time to hear Stabler out."

"So, whatever this story is, you've known. For years. Is this correct?" She's shaking, stinging betrayal spits out like acid, once again feeling like the world has decided things for her without her input.

"Liv, once you know, I'd like to have a long talk with you to explain. You went through hell and back, but I feel like I opened the gates sometimes."

She relaxes when she sees the pained look on her friend's face. "Fin, we've talked about this. None of it was your fault."

"Stabler would have checked on you, and that's a fact. He wouldn't have let you go home alone that night."

"And yet he was here when it was happening, and did-"

"-Everything. He did everything he could, Liv. Please, talk to Mrs. Stabler. Again, not my story to tell, but it's hers."

Before she knows it, it's Saturday, and Liv is nervously on her way to Elliot's, with an excitable Noah in tow. While she knows Elliot isn't there in the flesh, she feels intrusive, like she doesn't belong in his space. She doesn't like fraternizing with his family without him knowing about it, and she thinks back to the last time she visited Bernie without his knowledge, back when Kathleen needed help. How many secrets have they kept from each other over the years?

She thinks about unblocking his number, sending him a quick text, letting him know before he sees her appear on his home camera app, but then she remembers that she's supposed to be mad at him. Although, after her cryptic conversation with Fin, she's beginning to feel like her anger is somewhat misplaced. Screw it. She whips out her phone at a red light, unblocks him before she loses her nerve, and sends a quick text. Noah is sleeping over at Maureen's tonight. I was going to visit with your mom for a while if that's okay.

The dots appear immediately, and Liv lets out a shaky breath. Bernie would love that- she misses you. Maureen told me about Noah. I'm glad. Thank you, Liv.

She chances on some small talk. How's Italy?

Emotional. Glad we are here, though. Eli needed it. Looking forward to coming back home.

The light changes, and as she drives, she feels her watch buzz with another text that came through. I miss you. Can we talk when I get back?

She waits until she pulls in front of his house to reply. Sure. I'd like that. And she means it. This silent treatment was becoming a chore, a lesson in futility. Uncharacteristically Liv, and becoming more nonsensical by the day. Already, she feels lighter, relief settling into her bones. Regardless of what happened in the past, she wants to move forward.

Bernie is already waiting at the door, greeting Liv and Noah with warm hugs and a gentle admonishment for not visiting her sooner. Liv and Maureen trade pleasantries as the boys run amok, and twenty minutes later, Maureen wrangles them out of the house for their sleepover. Liv wishes her luck and promises to reciprocate before summer ends, giggling as she closes the door. Bernie insists that Liv stay for a cup of tea, and Liv's grateful to spend this time with her. She's already decided she's not going to interrogate her; she's going to pour her heart out to her and hope for the best. Honesty, with the only woman she considers a mother.

"So, other than Noah, what brings you here to chat with an old broad? My son, I assume? I know the two of you aren't on speaking terms."

"Did he tell you that?"

"Elliot doesn't tell me much, but I know his heart. His eyes. His silence."

Liv merely nods. She too knows her son's heart. "It's complicated, but I'm just not ready to face him. I've sort of been ignoring him."

"Since Christmastime?"

"Just about. Something from the past and it's…"

"Complicated, you mentioned."

"It's just… Bernie, he missed so much in those ten years. And I missed so much of his life, your lives. I feel like I was cut off from the only family I've ever known. It's hard to get past it, is all."

Bernie carefully stirs a teaspoon of honey into her tea, eyes gentle but firm as she reconciles Olivia's words. "There has to be more to it if you're not speaking to him."

Liv takes a sharp intake of breath. Time to go all in. "Bernie, something happened to me. Years ago. I assumed he was in Italy and knew nothing about it, but it turns out he was in New York when it happened, and he knew about it all this time. And he never contacted me. He never-"

"-rescued you. From William Lewis." Bernie says it so matter-of-factly that Liv drops her cup unceremoniously onto its saucer.

It takes a second for Liv to regain her composure. "You… you know about William Lewis?"

"Oh, dear. Olivia, I didn't mean to mention his name. That horrible, despicable man. What he did to you…" With this statement, pools of tears fall from Bernie's eyes as she dissolves into a reverent sob, holding Liv's hand like an anchor, a tether to the present.

Fuck. The last thing Liv ever wanted to do was make Bernie Stabler cry. "Shhh, Bernie, it's okay. I'm fine."

"Like hell you are."

Liv winces at familiar words echoed a decade ago by her son. No, she isn't fine, not always, but she's alive.

"Olivia, there are some things you don't know. I'm not sure what Richard Wheatley said to you, but I can assure you, the story is incomplete. Elliot will hate me for this, but I don't care. The two of you have dealt with enough misunderstandings to last several lifetimes, and life is just too short. I think you and my son know this best of all. Why waste any more time?"

All of a sudden, Liv is petrified. She's not sure she's ready to hear this, and she regrets that she didn't give Elliot the chance to tell it instead.

"Bernie, wait."

"No more waiting, dear. It's time."

Liv suddenly wishes she had something stronger than a cup of tea in front of her. Bernie looks restless but determined, and Liv has a feeling that this conversation is going to leave her in ruins.

"The minute the news broke about your kidnapping, I called him. Kathy and Eli were in Rome, but he was working a job somewhere else. I don't think he believed me at first. I think he thought I was having an episode, but then the calls from the kids came in just as quickly. Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, Liz- we all saw and we all reacted. We all called him."

Tears spring to Olivia's eyes. They knew. They cared. But why the silence?

"It took him the better part of a day to get here from wherever he was overseas, but he was here. He was frantic. He was trying to get a hold of anyone he could think of to help track you down. And then… he collapsed."

Liv sits for a minute, filled with a separate kind of terror, the one she used to let consume her on the loneliest of days when she wondered and worried about Elliot Stabler. She lets the dust settle over Bernie's words, lets them sink in. "What do you mean, he collapsed? Bernie?"

"Honey, the day they found you... was the day Elliot died."