Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.
I ran a long, long way from home
To find a heart that's made of stone
I will try; I just need a little time
To get your face right out of my mind
To see the world through different eyes
Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave), Roxette
Chapter Eight – Dungeons of Black Despair
…where Severus does something unexpected and makes Jane cry…
Jane was walking briskly across the Hogwarts grounds. As she made her way along the snow-covered path, she reflected how happy she was to be back. To be home. She may have grown up in Fenton Hall, but the visit to her ancestral home had made her realize just how little her old way of life mattered to her now. She was a different person now. She had a new life.
Fenton Hall, as it had been, was no longer her home. Her visit had been a difficult one, and the ancient house had not welcomed her. As soon as she'd stepped across the threshold she had felt the demons of the past descend upon her with a vengeance. It hadn't been pleasant, walking through the empty house, exorcising the memories from room after room. Jane sighed. It would take some time and money to redecorate the house and make it hers in every sense of the word. The house elves at Fenton Hall had been very accommodating and would have been more than happy to do everything for her, but she wanted to oversee all the improvements herself. It was the only way Jane could think of that would give her closure.
The wind picked up. Jane turned her face into the frigid breeze, letting it clear the cobwebs from her mind. Her time away had also put other issues into perspective. Jane had spent a lot of time thinking about Severus and her relationship with him. Christmas had been an eye opener for her in more than one way. He had finally let down his guard – if only briefly – and allowed her a glimpse of the man within. Underneath his untouchable forbidding demeanor, Severus was desperate and lonely. Maybe that was why she felt so drawn to him. Like her, he had hidden all his passions and desires behind a mask of indifference. Like her, he had been alone for too long. Like her, he was starved for human contact. They were kindred spirits.
A swooshing sound interrupted her ponderings. Jane looked up to find herself in front of the Whomping Willow. A small smile stole across her lips. Trust her subconscious to look out for her. If she was honest with herself, she had missed the bad-tempered man more than she cared to admit. There was a definite skip to her step as she hurried on – only to find that the Shrieking Shack was empty. Jane frowned as she went from room to room calling Severus' name. He wasn't there. Yet, everything was in its place, nothing was disturbed. None of his papers were out of order, none of his clothes were gone. Only Severus was missing. Something was terribly wrong. Unbidden images of Severus in pain flooded her mind. Her throat constricted and a sob escaped her lips. The room around her began to spin, and she stumbled to a nearby chair.
---
Jane barged into McGonagall's office, startling the Headmistress, who sat writing at her desk. Minerva jumped slightly, but her surprised expression quickly changed to one of utter annoyance.
"Miss Sinclair," McGonagall inquired primly. "What is the meaning…?"
Jane stopped mid-step, blinking. She couldn't remember how she got back to the castle. "He's gone!" she finally blurted out, unable to contain herself.
"Who, Miss Sinclair?" The Headmistress still sounded prim.
"Severus!" Jane exclaimed. "He's gone!"
"Oh dear, oh dear." McGonagall suddenly became flustered and averted her gaze. She began to fiddle with her quill. "I had hoped to talk to you before you found out…"
Jane's eyes widened in confusion. "Where is he? What happened?"
"Well, erm," McGonagall hedged. "Severus is in Azkaban."
Feeling dizzy, Jane groped for support and slumped against a bookshelf. All color had drained from her face. "What? How? When? Why?"
"He, erm, gave himself up shortly after you left."
"What?"
"Yes," McGonagall continued slowly. "The Wizengamot tried him immediately and sentenced him to a life sentence in Azkaban." She stopped, taking in Jane's expression. Worry crept into her eyes. "Miss Sinclair," she asked sharply, "are you alright?"
Jane stood on shaky legs, still holding on to the shelves for support. "I…uh," she stammered. "Well, I don't… I have to…"
Unable to continue, she fled the Headmistress' office. She didn't know where she was going, but she simply kept on running. She would apologize to McGonagall later. Severus is in Azkaban. McGonagall's words kept haunting her. He gave himself up. Jane groaned. Why would he do that? Severus is in Azkaban. He gave himself up. Gave himself up. He's in Azkaban. Azkaban…
Jane bumped into a solid figure and strong arms came around her, steadying her. She looked up to find gentle eyes staring kindly down at her. Remus! She threw her arms around his neck and buried her face against his shoulder.
"Jane!" Remus sounded both worried and stunned. "What's wrong? What happened?"
She continued to sob into his robe, unable to voice a coherent string of words.
"Come." He finally took pity on her. "Let's go to my office."
She let him lead her away. Jane trusted Remus. Over the months he had proved himself to be a good friend. He was always ready to discuss with her anything from the weather to the most complex philosophical quandaries. They could talk for hours on end, and over time, he slowly opened up about his past and the stigma that followed him wherever he went. Sometimes, when they had nothing to talk about, they would just sit in comfortable silence, happy to know that there was someone else in the world who understood.
She could have loved this gentle man, hadn't he been so hopelessly devoted to Tonks and blind to any other woman. His eyes only truly lit up when they beheld the pink-haired witch, and his pulse only quickened at her touch. Jane could never have been so selfish as to destroy their happiness. She knew how precious it was. Instead, she watched them hungrily whenever they were together, yearning for someone to love her just as faithfully. Someone to make her feel wanted and protected. Someone who told her that she mattered. Someone like Severus. Yes, she could have loved Remus, hadn't she been utterly and desperately in love with Severus. But Severus was gone now, doomed to spend the rest of his life living a nightmare.
In his office, Remus pushed her gently onto a chair and lowered himself onto the edge of his desk. He watched her for a moment as she valiantly struggled for control.
"Severus is in Azkaban," Jane told him dully. Remus nodded knowingly. "Why? Why did he do it? What happened?"
He stared down at her, unsure how to console his friend. He had guessed that there was more to her relationship with Severus than a simple student-teacher bond, but he'd never pressed her for details.
"I don't know," he finally offered gently and handed her his handkerchief.
She clutched it to her nose and met his sympathetic gaze. Now, as always, he was kind and patient with her, never pressuring her to reveal what was truly troubling her. She sighed.
"I think I love him," she told Remus, knowing he would not betray her trust.
"I thought it might be something like that."
"It was all I could think about while I was away. I was going to tell him today. Only… he was gone." Jane began to cry again.
"Jane," Remus began earnestly. "You must be strong now."
"When did he do it?"
"Four days after Christmas."
"He… he didn't say anything, gave no indication…"
"Don't blame yourself…"
Jane ignored him. "He was so angry when I told him I would be leaving for Fenton Hall…" She groaned.
"It's not your fault, Jane."
She sniffled delicately. "Remus," she asked hesitantly, "do you think… um, that they will let me see him?"
He considered her question for a moment. "It will be difficult," he finally said. "For one, the Ministry will not like it one bit – him having killed Dumbledore and you… well, you know…"
"…having killed someone myself…"
"Was that the reason for your banishment?" Remus tried unsuccessfully to hide his curiosity, taking Jane by surprise.
She looked at him tearfully. "S-Severus didn't tell you?"
Remus shook his head. Jane licked her lips nervously. "Did you ever hear of Tristan Beadle?"
His eyes widened in shock. "That was you?"
Jane sighed and quickly relayed the most pertinent points of that particularly distasteful time of her life.
"Severus promised not to tell, unless – well, unless it was absolutely necessary," she finally finished.
Speechless, Remus stared at her open-mouthed, working hard to digest everything he'd just heard.
"Well," Jane continued, "anyway, what do I need to do to see Severus?"
Remus cocked his head to one side, thinking it over. "I guess," he said, "we could have a member of the Order, possibly an Auror, escort you to Azkaban. This would give it the guise of an official visit."
Jane nodded. "How soon can you make it happen?"
---
Azkaban was even darker and more depressing than Jane could have imagined. Indeed, it was the most forbidding and frightening place she had ever seen. As she was being led down to the dungeons, she tried hard to block out the dripping wet stone walls that lined the gloomy corridors. What she couldn't ignore were the heart-wrenching cries of desperate men and women locked away in dreary dark cells. The thought of Severus having to spend the rest of his life under such miserable conditions broke her heart.
The prison guard escorting her stopped in front of a cell and banged noisily against the door.
"Snape!" The guard's bark startled Jane. "Visitor."
He turned to her and thrust a finger in her face. "Ten minutes," he warned her. "No more."
With that, he left Jane and took his position at the end of the corridor, barely out of earshot. A fat rat scurried over Jane's foot. Shuddering, she wrapped her cloak tighter around her shoulders and peered into the dimly lit cell. She could barely make out the dark silhouette of a man sitting on a cot in the corner. Jane stepped closer until she reached the door.
"Severus," she called softly inside.
The shape did not move. "Go away, Jane," he told her hoarsely. "You don't belong here."
Jane ignored him. "When I returned to Hogwarts, I had so much to tell you, but you weren't there. I was so worried…."
Severus turned his head towards her, but she still couldn't make out his face. He remained silent.
"Severus, please talk to me," Jane pleaded. "Why did you do it? Why did you give yourself up?"
He finally moved. Jane watched him get up slowly from the cot and stiffly approach her. The thought of him hurt was almost too much to bear. When the flickering torchlight from the corridor hit his face, an involuntary gasp of horror escaped her lips. Severus looked nothing like the man she knew. He was no longer immaculately dressed. The striped prison uniform her wore was filthy and torn. His hair was matted and stringy, and his face… Jane swallowed. Severus' face was haggard. Smudges of dirt enhanced his hollow cheeks and made his aquiline nose more prominent. Worst of all, however, were his lifeless eyes. Her expression softened and her heart went out to him. She reached into the cell offering him her hand – a bridge to sanity.
Severus stared down at her hand, then at her. His expression was blank, betraying nothing. When he made no attempt to accept what Jane was offering, she quickly withdrew her hand, too embarrassed to be hurt.
"Why did you have to do it?" she asked him again.
"I had my reasons," he told her coldly. A muscle in his cheek began to twitch impatiently.
"What reasons could you have had?" Jane retorted sharply. "You were safe! The Order was looking for ways to exonerate you. It was only a matter of time…"
"I had my reasons," he reiterated tersely. "The Wizengamot readily accepted my answer. Why can't you?"
Taken aback, Jane stared at him wide-eyed. She truly did not recognize the man standing before her. Severus had always been cold and indifferent, but never like this. "What are you saying, Severus?"
"I owe you no explanation, Jane," he told her quietly. "In fact, I owe you nothing."
"Severus, no," she whispered, shocked. "We kissed… I thought…"
"You thought what?" Severus asked her sardonically. "That there would be a happily ever after? Or that I am so scared of my feelings for you that, rather than face them, I would prefer to spend the rest of my life here in Azkaban?" His lips curled into a cruel sneer. "Don't flatter yourself."
His callous words were like a slap in the face. Jane's eyes began to burn with unshed tears. His rejection hurt more than she thought possible, more than she wanted him to see. Her chin came up. Severus Snape wasn't the only one who could hide behind a mask of indifference.
"Well," she said, squarely meeting his contemptuous gaze. "I hope you rot in here."
"I assure you, Miss Sinclair, the chances of that happening are most excellent."
Lost and Found © 2005-2006 by MMHG
