A/N: Two updates in one night, so make sure you check out chapter 11 first because it's a direct lead-in. This was not part of any plan, but I'm kind of pleased with where it's heading.
Disclaimer: You'll recognize dialogue. If you've seen something before, just go ahead and assume it's not mine.
At 15 minutes, Olivia couldn't deny any longer that she was officially hiding in Elliot's mother's bathroom. She'd taken care of her business, spent a good long while washing her hands, and even tried to fix her hair and makeup, but that only took about seven minutes. She could hear plain as day the argument taking place out in the living room and she did not want to walk out into it.
She'd been trying to distance herself from Elliot all week. She had called Huang to get the name of a family therapist and they had an appointment for next Monday. She vowed to herself that she'd try to be a better wife to Mark and be more accommodating. And part of that meant distancing herself from Elliot to try to repress the things she felt when they were together. That higher-level connection.
So getting thrust in the middle of a family drama when she was trying to stay out of his personal life wasn't at the top of her list. And yet, here she was, staring at some faded rosebud wallpaper, biding her time before she could escape. Eventually she heard Elliot say his goodbyes and slam the door shut behind him. She flushed the toilet again and made a show of running the faucet and then went back into the living room.
Bernie was sitting on the couch now, staring at the wall.
"It was nice to meet you, Bernie," Olivia said, approaching her.
"Can't you sit for a few minutes?" she asked. "He probably needs time to cool off. He's a regular hothead. I'm not sure how much of that you heard."
"Not much," Olivia lied, despite hearing every word. She sat down next to Bernie on the couch.
"Does he ever talk about me?" Bernie asked.
"Today was the first time," she admitted. "I've always thought that…"
"I was dead?" Bernie said with a laugh. "Yeah. My boy plays it pretty close to the vest. Gets that from his father."
"Well, I really probably should get out there so we can get back to the city," Olivia said, attempting to stand.
"First, let me show you something, okay?" Bernie said, reaching for a photo album on the coffee table and flipping through until she found a specific picture.
"There," she said, pointing it out. "That was the Thanksgiving Day pageant that I was telling you about."
"He was a carrot," Olivia said with a smile, thinking about how cute Elliot was as a child. Dickie looked exactly like him. And his eyes were all Chelsea.
"Yeah, I made that myself out of orange felt and green feathers," Bernie said. "I remember his father saying, 'weel, at least he's not a fruit.'"
"The youngest picture I've ever seen of Elliot is the day he entered the Academy," Olivia said, paging through the album. His high school graduation picture was there, and prom, a family wedding. Somehow it felt too intimate, seeing these things. He'd kept them hidden for a reason.
"That's because he's erased his childhood. See, I…" Bernie faltered. "I made certain choices, and I lost my son."
This was definitely too personal for Olivia now. She had to get out of there.
"Thank you for showing me the photos," Olivia said, closing the album and putting it back on the table, again trying to leave.
"Well, it was selfish," Bernie said. "I just needed you to know."
"Know what?" Olivia asked.
"That I tried to be a good mother," Bernie said.
Olivia's heart broke. How many times in her life had she wished for a mother like this? One that even though she was flawed and had her moments, truly cared what Olivia thought about her. Truly wanted the best for her. Elliot had all of that in front of him, but he just couldn't accept the bad with the good.
"Elliot is a good man," Olivia said. "And I know him well enough to know that he didn't get it from his father."
"Thank you for that, dear," Bernie said. "See, he was always embarrassed about my flamboyant. He would have liked a more conventional mother."
"So you were always different," Olivia said.
"Yes. My mother used to call me a flibbertigibbet," Bernie said. "I've been accused of being impulsive, irresponsible, flighty. And those are just the "G" rated words."
Then something popped into Olivia's head. Chelsea's acting out lately. Her avoidance of Mark. Her desire to be creative. Bipolar Disorder is genetic. Parents can be carriers without having it and pass it to their children. She felt her throat tighten.
"But you never saw a doctor?" Olivia asked.
"In my day, eccentricity was tolerated," Bernie said. "You know, now, they've got a pill for everything."
"Did you ever try medication?" Olivia asked.
"Once," Bernie said. "I had a fight with Joe, and his gun went off. He had me committed. And they tied me down, and they forced pills down my throat. I felt like an empty shell, like someone had reached inside of me and scooped out my soul. And I would rather be dead than go to that place again."
The thought alone terrified Olivia. What if Chelsea could have this disease? What if she felt like that someday and she hurt herself?
"You know? I mean I am what I am," Bernie said. "I accept myself, and I live life on my own terms."
"But you pay a pretty steep price," Olivia said.
"Yeah, well maybe I do," Bernie said. "But it's my life, and I'm not going to go parading myself in front of some court, and announce to the world that I'm crazy."
Olivia felt sick to her stomach and the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"But would you do it for your granddaughter?" Olivia asked.
Bernie looked at her for a minute and then took her hands.
"I'm right aren't I," Bernie asked, looking Olivia in the eye. "Your beautiful little girl is my granddaughter."
Olivia couldn't speak. Tears were welling in her eyes. All she could do was nod.
"Oh dear," Bernie said. "How? When?"
"I was in college," she admitted, realizing this was going to be the first person she told this story to that wasn't there that night. Mark didn't know, and Elliot never needed the play-by-play because he had lived it.
"My husband, he likes to plan things," Olivia said. "And the night he proposed he told me that we may never be able to have children and it hurt me. So I went out the next night for a drive and I came across this man standing on a street corner in the rain and asked him if he needed a ride."
"My boy?" Bernie asked and Olivia nodded again.
"We drove around a while, and then we almost hit a deer and I hydroplaned into the curb and punctured my tire," Olivia said. "I got it to an all-night service station and the jerk attendant told me it wouldn't be ready until morning, so we had to spend the night in a motel. There was only one room available, and one thing led to another."
"And I got a fourth beautiful granddaughter out of the deal?" Bernie asked.
"I woke up the next morning and realized I cheated on my fiance" Olivia said. "I left without saying goodbye to Elliot. I didn't even know his name. He didn't know about Chelsea until I started at SVU and we recognized each other from that night."
"And I assume he knows now?" Bernie asked.
"Yes," Olivia said. "He knew the minute he looked into Chelsea's eyes that she was his."
"Does Kathy know?" Bernie asked. "You husband?"
"Neither of them know," Olivia said. "Aside from Elliot, you're the first person I've ever told. My husband thinks he's her natural father and she thinks the same. She knows Elliot, but just as my friend and partner."
"And how do you feel about that?" Bernie asked.
"I feel like everything is a mess," Olivia said. "My mother, she died earlier this year, and even she didn't know the truth. She was an alcoholic, so I always knew that was something I'd have to monitor as Chelsea got older. But now…"
Olivia trailed off. She didn't know what else she could say that wouldn't come off offensive.
"But now you wonder if there's other things that could affect how she lives her life?" Bernie said.
"Yes," Olivia said. "I'm so afraid all the time. Of people knowing our secret. Of Chelsea feeling betrayed. Of Elliot hating me for ruining his perfect family."
"They're far from perfect," Bernie said. "But he doesn't hate you. Believe me. If he hated you, he'd just walk right out of your life."
"I just want to know that my baby is going to be okay," Olivia said in a small voice.
Bernie squeezed her hand.
"In 1969, there was this amazing snowstorm. You're probably too little to remember it," Bernie said. "It was a blizzard. Everybody was snowbound for days. Everyone except me and Elliot. I drove us into the city. We were the only car on Broadway. It was just glorious. I drove faster and faster. I felt like I was driving a magical sleigh. But Elliot was scared. He kept shouting 'stop, Mommy, stop.' But I was chasing snowflakes. So many beautiful snowflakes. Until I chased one into a lamppost. I totaled the car. And I broke Elliot's arm."
Olivia's chest ached more. She didn't know if it hurt worse for Elliot, who wanted to love his mother but also feared her, in a different way than Olivia had feared her own mother. Or if it was worse for Chelsea, who could do something this reckless one day.
"He never told me that story," Olivia said.
"No," Bernie said. "He never told anybody what really happened. See, we all make mistakes, Olivia. There's no shame in that. But you do have to take responsibility for your actions."
"I've done a lot of bad stuff, too," Olivia said. "All I want to do is set a good example for my daughter. But sometimes, when I think about what I've done, and the lies I've told, it make me want to die."
Olivia surprised herself with the revelation. She'd never admitted that out loud to anyone even though she'd felt it for years.
"Honey, there's nothing we can do about the past," Bernie said. "But you can start fresh tomorrow by hugging the ones who love you, even when you think that they might not want it."
Olivia couldn't be sure, but she had a feeling Bernie wasn't talking about Mark, but rather about Elliot.
"I've lived the life I wanted to live, and I've paid a terrible price," Bernie said. "I'll do what he asks. I'll talk to the judge. I'll tell you the signs to look out for with your daughter. But, first, you have to do something for me."
"Anything," Olivia said.
"Don't tell him we had this conversation," Bernie said.
Olivia didn't know how she felt about keeping this from Elliot, but if it would get his mother help, and give her more information about what her daughter could encounter later in life, she was willing to try.
Bernie reached up and moved a lock of hair from Olivia's forehead, leaned forward and gave her a hug.
"Here's my cell number," Olivia said, handing Bernie her card. "If you'd ever like to talk."
"I'd like to meet my granddaughter someday," Bernie said. "Even if you tell her I'm an old friend of your mother's."
"Someday," Olivia said. "After we help you get back on the right path."
Bernie sighed and stood up from the couch, and Olivia followed.
"Drive safe, dear," she said, walking Olivia to the door. "I'll talk to you soon."
When Olivia got into the sedan Elliot turned to look at her.
"You were in there forever," he said. "Everything alright?"
"Just a last minute reminder about the stomach flu," she said. "I'm okay. But when I came out of the bathroom your mother told me she'd talk to the judge. Said she wanted to get help."
Elliot swiveled his entire body so it was facing her and cocked an eyebrow.
"What the hell happened," he asked.
"Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot," she said, tossing him a small smile and then turning to look out the window. She wanted nothing more than to look back and see the expression on his face, but she also didn't want to give away any more of her conversation with Bernie, so she stared out the window the rest of the way back to the 1-6.
A/N: The secret's out now. What could go wrong? Reviews welcome!
