Sober. Making small talk. Presentable. Check.
Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Number 12 Grimmauld Place? Number 12Grimmauld Place… She should know the address. She knows it. Somewhere in the back of her alcohol abused brain she knows this address. She hasn't been here before but she knows it. She has heard it before. Spoken in disgust. In derision. A mocking scoff. So, she is apprehensive. But she is also apprehensive of other things. Mainly, of the Order's members. She has no idea what awaits her at this address. She knows there will be Dumbledore as he was the one who tricked her into coming. As it was custom for him, he showed up unexpectedly when she was at her worst; exhausted, hungover, smelly and still puked on from the last shift and guiled her into coming. At least it was not as bad as the last time he visited her. (Oh Merlin, the last time..!)
It was not as if she didn't want to fight against Voldemort. She would just rather do it without interacting with too many people. Or any people at all. It means making small talk, being sober and being presentable enough not to scare small children. After thirty-six hours on her feet. As the house appears from between numbers eleven and thirteen, she glances down upon her muggle jeans and long-sleeved shirt under simple midnight blue robe and shrugs. It is not as if she is looking for romantic prospects.
She reassures herself not many of the original members could be there and then feels guilty for taking comfort in it as the reason they will not be there is because most of them are dead or insane or in pri- No! She will not think that!
Dumbledore warned her not to ring a bell so she knocks timidly. Why the hell would you not be able to ring a bell? Who is going to hear that knock anyway? It takes a while for anyone to open the door and as her apprehensiveness builds, she really wishes she had that shot of firewhisky she forgone for the sake of being sober at her first Order meeting. When a familiar red-headed woman opens the door she breathes a sigh of relief.
"Molly?" She knows the woman pretty well from her continuous visits to St. Mungo's emergency ward. Fred and George were practically inventory there.
"Healer Marlowe? Albus said to expect a new member."
"Eva, please," she tells the older woman that ushers her into the house through the grim darkened halls (Are those house-elves heads?) into the somewhat liveable caller kitchen. She relaxes at the sight of a handful of people, mostly red-heads that she has met in passing and has no painful or gruesome memories of. She says hellos to Arthur and the twins and Molly introduces her to Bill. They make small talk which she is admittedly bad at but makes do. Molly's daughter Ginny wanders into the kitchen, stealing an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. She is obviously lost in her thoughts as Molly has to call her name three times before she acknowledges her and notices the new addition in the kitchen.
"Honestly, Ginny." The teen apologises and introduces herself to Eva but the permanently worried expression is still etched onto her face. Her eyes seem too old for such a fresh face and her shoulders seem burdened with a heavy weight. Eva recognizes the expression as the one they all used to wear; children fighting a war.
It seems neither woman is much for small talk and they might be left standing in the kitchen awkwardly, searching for something to say if not for the arrival of Nymphadora Tonks. The young, extremely clumsy Auror makes Eva long for a shot of that firewhisky for the first time since she arrived. She can't really put her finger on it butt it is like that address all over again. She should know that name. Even as she is absolutely certain she has never met Tonks before that night. Her mind works furiously even as she jokes around with Tonks and Ginny. They all laugh at Tonks' antics as she changes her appearance rapidly. Has she seen this woman before? No, one does not forget seeing Nymphadora Tonks. But something about her… She shakes her head and wishes for a firewhisky and bless her heart (or her mind-reading abilities) Tonks offers to dig out something to drink. At the offered choices she immediately chooses firewhisky. She doesn't care what anyone thinks but she needs just that one to calm her nerves. (Ginny's old eyes are all knowing but others seem to think nothing of it.) A deep sip of the drink settles her even as she wishes they had a different brand. The rich liquid is top shelf but it was always his preferred drink. She finishes the glass off and is instantly poured another. Oh, well.
She finally remembers to inquire about the house and the terrible décor she had observed on her way through the house. Oh yes, those are indeed house-elves heads. A row of it. A phrase stirs something in her brain but she pushes the thought away with a sip.
"The current owner appreciates the irony, though." Tonks tells her. "His crazy pureblooded supremacist of a mother's house used as the headquarters for the illegal fight against the biggest pureblood manic ever." Eva's attempt to find out more is thwarted by the dramatic arrival of a dark-haired man in a billowing robe. As she meets his cold black eyes, her world stops. She knows the night will go only downhill from here on. She wants to grab that bottle by the neck and forgo the glass. He has certainly not been in the original order. Quite the opposite actually. Still, the memories that assault her almost make her stumble. His hateful snarl at James, his sneer at Remus, his fierce desperate duelling stance, trying to blend in; (with Slytherins, Death Eater wannabe's, the wall, something), his jealous glares whenever Lily spent time with anyone but him but also his involuntary smile as Lily laughed freely, her eyes shining, the mass of red hair whipping widely around her- No! Enough of that!
"Severus," she manages for she has no idea how long they have been standing there in silence.
"He's the spy for the Order." The words tumble out of Tonks' mouth in a hurry when she realizes they know each other as if she is afraid Eva might start screaming bloody murder at the sight of a Death Eater in the Order's headquarters. It implies previous experience. Snape gives Tonks a murderous glare. Eva lets out a nervous chuckle but sobers immediately. A cold hand grips her stomach. Is this because of Lily? For her? Could they have had him on their side in the first war too? If they had just given him a chance? If they had just treated him differently? If she had not been that selfish? If she had just encouraged Lily to forgive him? Could one day in her fifth year change everything? Could it have ended differently? Would she still be alive? Could one man change the course of history?
Yes. But not this man. Remember Eva?
She empties another glass that she has no remembrance pouring and tries to push down her memories.
"And our Potions Professor." Ginny pipes in trying to smooth the awkward situation. She at least doesn't receive a burning glare for her effort and Eva welcomes the distraction from her train of thought.
"Really? Well, you were the best Potions student in our days." No use being disagreeable from the start.
"You weren't bad either, Marlowe." Snape finally deigns to acknowledge her.
"A high praise," Ginny whispers into her ear.
"Just good enough to get into Healer training. I didn't have any real passion for it. Not like you and-" She stops just in time. She doesn't want to talk about her. Doesn't even want to think about her. But she was all they ever shared and looking at him, she is all Eva can think about. She hadn't allowed herself to think about her that much in years. "Firewhisky?"
Snape seems to be on the verge of saying no but thinks better of it.
"Why not? This will be a long night."
Making small talk with Severus Snape is her kind of hell. She tries anyway. Talks about her work as she tries not to drown in her guilt for not trying harder and listens about a discovery of a new potion as she tries to chase away Lily's smiling face. As more people start arriving, some she knows like Mad-Eye Moody and some she thankfully doesn't, she asks Ginny to show her to the bathroom. She needs a minute get a hold of herself. She stumbles slightly getting up from the chair. She frowns as she doesn't remember drinking enough to be unsteady on her feet but it probably didn't help, that she hadn't eaten since morning and had just came from a thirty-six-hour shift.
Ginny leads her up the stairs but they do not get much further than the entry hall. Eva is lost in her thoughts so she doesn't notice him until he almost runs them into the ground.
"Whoa! Remus where's the fire? The meeting hasn't started yet, you know. Professor Dumbledore isn't even here yet." Eva's head snaps up even as she has a feeling her world is in slow motion.
"I am so sorry, Ginny. I didn't-"
Please not him. Just not him. Anyone but him. Now that she stands in front of him, his startled green eyes boring into her, she realizes it is exactly what she feared the most. She couldn't even consciously put it into words or a concept but now that he was here… Everything she has tried to avoid for fourteen years, all the guilt and the shame comes back with a vengeance. She has abandoned him when he needed her most. She left, not looking back, when she was all he had left. All the excuses she soothed herself with seem feeble. I just couldn't stay. I was a wreck. I wasn't a human being anymore. I was nothing. I couldn't even look at you. I couldn't look at myself. How easy it was to just leave. To just push him out of her life and her thoughts. She pushes down the bile rising from her stomach.
"Eva?"
"Hello, Remus." She can hardly breath. A mix of joy and pain is etched onto the lines of his face and she knows exactly what he feels. Joy of seeing an old friend and pain of all the tainted memories it brings with. "I guess I should have known I will see you here."
"Here?"
"At the Order's meeting. Nothing like a little bit of war to bring old friends back together."
He gives her a slight smile and she wants to jump into his arms and cry. Cry, cry, cry until she has nothing left. Cry, cry, cry like she hadn't in more than a decade. She realizes she has missed her friend so much it hurts.
"I missed you." It is not fair to him but she suddenly has to tell him. It is the only thing she can say. Remus swallows a lump in his throat.
"I missed you too." He takes a step towards her as if to hug her when he suddenly stops in his tracks, his eyes shining with a terrible realization and guilt. "Oh, Merlin. You don't know, do you?"
She fells a chill go down her spine at his horrified expression. What else so horrible could possibly happen that hadn't already?
Remus doesn't tell her as they are interrupted from above.
"Remus? Is that you?" The owner of the voice, a black-haired teenager, doesn't wait for the man to answer before hurrying down the stairs with a bushy-haired girl and one of the Weasley boys at his heals. "We haven't seen you here for awhile. I guess that means an Order meeting tonight. Anything new?"
"James?" She knows it is not him. She knows it. But the resemblance is uncanny and for a moment there she is lost. She sees him standing there beside Remus, two friends looking at her like it is twenty years prior. She wants to drown into the memory.
"Eva?" Ginny's worried voice wakes her up from her trance and she realizes she is holding her elbow as if to steady her. "Are you okay?"
"Yes. Yeah."
"That's not-"
"I know. I know. I'm sorry."
She meets the boy's eyes and it finally sinks. Lily's eyes. Her beautiful emeralds watching curiously from James Potter's face.
"Eva, that's Harry," Remus speaks carefully as if afraid she might crack. She tries to pull herself together.
"Hello, Harry. My name's Eva. Eva Marlowe."
"You knew my parents." Right for the jugular. Classic Lily Evans. She gives him a watery smile. Again, all she wants to do is cry in despair. How she had failed that boy. Failed him and failed Lily. Didn't take care of him. Didn't protect him. Didn't see him grow up. Her only comfort is he was better off without her.
"Yes. Your mom was my best friend." Even through her own pain she can see how the boy's eyes sparkle hungrily at the mere mention of his mother.
"Are you an Order member? Will you be coming around often? Will you tell me about her?" It is the last thing she wants to do but she cannot deny him this.
"If you want to, of course. And you could, if you want that is, tell me about yourself?" She suddenly wants to know everything about him. She wants to know what her friends' son turned out to be like. What kind of person is he.
Harry bites his lip uncertainly but nods anyway. She can't stop looking at him. So many years lost.
She forgot. She can't believe she forgot. How could she forget that she loved that boy? She loved Lily's son with all her heart. How could she have had just pushed that out of her mind with everything else?
Her unsteady legs are shaking and she can feel the walls closing in on her. She needs to get out of there. She had already wronged them, Harry and Remus, in so many ways, she doesn't want to give them more trouble.
"Eva? Are you sure you are okay?" Remus always was way too perceptive. "You look really pale."
Ginny tightens the grip on her elbow and Eva tries to focus on the feel her hand.
"I'm fine, Remus. That's my natural colour these days. I spend most of my days under neon lights." Remus doesn't look convinced but doesn't push either.
Eva tries to follow the conversation as she is introduced to Harry's friends. She exchanges a few words with all the teens but is not really capable of a deeper conversation at the moment. They all protest as Remus tries to usher them away from the kitchen, up the stairs as the meeting is about to start. Harry seems at the edge of a blowout judging from anger in his eyes. She knows the signs of a budding explosion. She was Lily Evans's friend for years. But it didn't come to it. At least not then as they were once again interrupted.
"Well, look what the cat dragged in." A mocking voice from the stairs stops all the fighting and Eva's blood turns cold. It couldn't be. It couldn't. But it was. She would know that voice anywhere. She recognized it even after fourteen years. How? How is that possible? She wonders if she has finally lost it. She stares at the wall hoping against hope it will all go away. "The wicked witch of the west."
His steps echo ominously as he lazily descends the stairs to the entry hall until he is directly in front of her and she is forced to raise her eyes to his. She is not prepared for this. Not prepared for the mix of affection, nostalgia, hatred and betrayal that consume her all at once. And guilt for the bittersweet memories that dare to surface in her mind. Not prepared to see his sunken hunted eyes or his unhealthy pale complexion. The stark contrast between the handsome boy she once knew and this shell of a human being shakes her to the core. Gone is the playful smile, in its place she gets an accusing glare of betrayal. His nostrils flare angrily as he turns away from her as if he can't even look at her.
She goes from this heart-breaking inspection of him to remembering what he did. She unconsciously rubs her palm over her chest to ease the pain that she never could get rid of. And never will. And then... Something is not right, she realizes. No one is screaming, no one is surprised at his presence. She glances at Remus and is once again faced with his guilty devastated face and she knows. She knows. But still she doesn't want to believe it.
"Remus?" With one word she pleads, she begs, she needs it not to be true.
"I'm sorry, Eva."
"No. No, no, no, no. Remus, please." Her lips are trembling so hard; she can hardly get the words out of her mouth.
"You don't have to worry. Sirius is innocent." Ron tries to comfort her but only manages to get a dry broken sob for his efforts.
Eva wrenches herself away from Ginny towards Remus. She grabs the labels of his worn coat in a tight grip and shakes him like she can make him change the history.
"Remus, please say it isn't true. Say it isn't true. Please. Please. Please."
But all Remus does is look at her with pity. Pity and understanding. For they will share this burden for the rest of their lives.
"Sirius? What is going on?" Harry doesn't understand what is happening.
"Don't worry Harry. Just not all reunions are happy ones." There is pure acid in his voice. Meant for her. Of course meant for her. And she deserves it. She deserves all the hatred he has for her. She can't look at him.
"Wasted… all those years… wasted… how could… how could I … please… please…my memories… all tainted…my Lily… disappointed… so disappointed…"
Remus tries to shush her ramblings, comfort her, hug her and shield her from the increasing number of people now in the entry hall.
"Eva, calm down. Why don't we sit down and-"
"No!"
She pushes away from him. She is not totally in control of herself. Her eyes are wide and glazed over as she is standing in a circle of faces. She can't breathe. A black fog is descending upon her from the edges of her vision. She needs to get away. She moves backwards like a haunted animal until she hits a wall. But even there she finds no respite. The painting behind her suddenly comes alive and starts screaming obscenities. Eva stumbles away hastily, trips over her own feet but is spared from tumbling face down onto the floor by hands on either side of her.
She recognizes the horrible screaming woman in the painting and suddenly knows where she is. All the pieces suddenly fall into place. The address, Tonks, the portrait.
"Number 12 Grimmauld Place." Her voice is only a breathless whisper.
It seems the woman in the portrait recognizes her too as the stream of general insults stops suddenly.
"YOU! BLOOD TRAITOR WHORE! YOU SCUM! You ruined them both! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH! MURDERER! BITCH! You took them both away from me. YOU KILLED THEM! WHORE! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH!"
It is like somebody poured ice water all over her. Because she is right. She ruined them both. She can't listen to this anymore. She shakes her head and looks around at all the faces in the entry hall, looking for something to latch on. But all she finds is hatred, confusion and pity. Finally, her desperate gaze lands on the face closest to her. Harry Potter is half holding her upright with Severus Snape of all people holding her other arm but she is not aware of any of this. She finds her friend in the deep green of his eyes.
"Lily. Lily, please no more. No more. I can't take no more." Her heart-breaking wail is at last silenced as something is poured down her throat and the edges that have been threatening to close in on her finally embrace her into darkness.
