Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.


And if I told you that I loved you

You'd maybe think there's something wrong

I'm not a man of too many faces

The mask I wear is one

Shape Of My Heart, Sting

Chapter Twelve – He's Just a Man

where Jane and Severus make up…

Jane stumbled after Severus, desperately trying to keep up with his long strides. He held her so tightly, it felt like their hands were welded together, and she briefly wondered whether he hadn't used a Binding Spell.

"Severus, where are you taking me?" she demanded to know, but he kept ignoring her.

He dragged her through Hogwarts, past giggling students, gawking ghosts, and flabbergasted teachers. She didn't dare imagine what everyone would be thinking. Jane groaned in resigned humiliation, hoping beyond hope that the gossipmongers for once might keep their mouths shut.

"Severus," she pleaded again, and he suddenly stopped. "What…?" Jane looked at him in confusion.

He pulled a key from his pocket. Only then did she realize they were standing in front of a door. She recognized that door. It led to his rooms. Severus pushed her unceremoniously inside and pointed his wand imperiously at the doors, effectively warding them against prying eyes and ears. Standing in front of her, he crossed his arms over his chest and scowled darkly.

"Now," he ground out, "talk!"

Jane took an involuntary step back. "I…" She nervously licked her lips, drawing his gaze to her mouth. Something flashed in his eyes.

"Well? Come on, I don't have all day."

"I already said all I wanted to say, Severus. I want you to stop harassing me, and I want you to stop insulting my friends. I'm tired, Severus," Jane suddenly snapped, frustrated. "Do you hear? I'm tired – mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm tired of your constant attacks. I'm drained." She sighed. "I just want you to be civil to me."

"Is that all?" he drawled sardonically. "And why should I do that?"

"Because that's how people normally associate with each other," Jane told him quietly. "But you wouldn't know about that, would you, Severus?" She shook her head sadly. "You…"

"Severus?" McGonagall's voice boomed through the sitting room. Her face had appeared in the fireplace and she looked extremely annoyed. "I just heard the most alarming rumor…" Her gaze fell upon Jane. "Well," she continued primly, "I see the reports were correct. Miss Sinclair, are you alright?"

"She's fine," Severus snapped impatiently.

"You were seen dragging her through the castle, Severus!" Even disembodied, McGonagall managed to be terrifying. "How dare you manhandle a fellow teacher like that?"

"Minerva," he began, but she interrupted him.

"Miss Sinclair… Jane, are you alright?" The worry in the Headmistress' voice was genuine.

Jane chanced a peek at Severus. "So far, yes."

Severus' arms fell to his sides. "I don't harm women, Minerva," he told her tiredly, "at least, not intentionally."

"That's news to me," Jane threw in, drawing an enigmatic gaze from him.

McGonagall looked from one to the other, making up her mind. "Very well, then," she finally said. "I'll leave you two to sort this out. I expect you to come to an understanding, one way or another. I will not have feuds among my staff."

With that she left them, and an awkward silence settled over them. Severus stared blindly into the embers, his back turned to her. Jane decided to be comfortable and took a seat on the tufted leather sofa. She undid her cloak and let it slide over her shoulders. She smoothed her skirts and crossed her legs. Try as she might, she couldn't keep her eyes off Severus. It had been a long time, since she'd had the opportunity to observe him more closely. He stood ramrod straight, as formidable as ever. In the weeks since his return from Azkaban, his body had filled out again. His jet-black hair hung loosely around his pale face, which had lost its haggard and haunted look. More lines furrowed his features, but she didn't mind. His harsh appearance gave him character. Jane liked the fact that he wasn't fashionably handsome. She had no use for metrosexuals and pretty boys. She knew what lurked beneath their deceptive charming façades. She had learned that the hard way.

After what seemed an eternity, an imperceptible shudder went through him. He took a deep breath, having made his decision.

"Jane, if you want to leave, you may," he told her quietly over his shoulder. "I won't trouble you again."

That was it? He didn't even look at her!

"Could you please tell me that to my face, Severus?"

"Don't make it any harder than it already is."

She looked at him incredulously. Hope rekindled in her heart, and she decided to take a chance. "Sending me away is hard?"

He swirled around to face her. "Yes, damn it!"

Jane shook her head. "I don't believe it. You don't even care for me."

"What do you want from me, woman? Blood?"

Jane didn't move. "I want you to tell me the truth."

Severus wiped a hand tiredly over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please… just go."

"Not until you've told me what's in your heart," she told him gently.

"There is nothing in my heart," he told her coldly, but his voice had lost its edge. "I have no heart."

Jane jumped to her feet and rushed to him. "Of course you do, Severus." She planted her hand firmly over his chest. "It's right here. I know you don't like to depend on anyone but yourself, because you're afraid of setting yourself up for hurt or disappointment. I also know that you suppress your feelings, because you think they make you weak. But don't you see, Severus, they only make you human. Is it so bad to let yourself feel?"

He looked down at her hand, resting protectively over his heart. He clenched his jaws together, struggling for composure.

"It must be so hard to always be in control," she murmured. "Severus, I want you to know that you'll never have to pretend with me. For once in your life, let your guard down. Please, Severus, take a chance," Jane pleaded softly. "Take a chance on me. On us."

He met her gaze, and what he saw in her eyes was his undoing. After all, he was only a man. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a man. He placed is hand over hers, clutching it to his chest. Severus sighed and a shudder went though him as he let go.

"All my life, I had to keep myself in check," he began quietly. "No one ever took care of me. I always had to look out for my own interests. Dumbledore was kind and supportive, but he had his own agenda. I served his purposes. I was a good teacher and better spy. People despised me for it, but as long as did their dirty work, they were happy enough. They never truly accepted me, though, as a person…" He broke off, shaking his head.

"Go on," she encouraged him gently. "Tell me everything."

"And then you came along. You had lost everything and were at the mercy of everyone around you. By all appearances, you were all prim and proper, weak and docile. And yet, you were not afraid to stand up to me. You put me in my place more than once, and rightly so. You had nothing to gain from me and treated me as an equal. And then… things changed. When you left for Fenton Hall over Christmas, I felt let down." He grimaced wryly. "A foolish notion, I know. You didn't owe me anything, and yet, because you were the only person who put up with me, I felt… well, like you'd deserted me. I already knew what I would have to do. It had all been arranged. I wanted to spend my last few days with you. Soak up your goodness and kindness, so it would get me through the nightmare that is Azkaban."

"But you didn't ask me to stay."

"No," he sighed. "And I've been calling myself every kind fool since then. No one has ever enjoyed my company, let alone my touch…" His eyes glittered enigmatically. "And, yet… you would melt into my arms under the most interesting circumstances."

"How could I not?" She looked at him wonderingly.

He groaned, cursing his foolishness. "On Christmas Eve you gave me a glimpse of Heaven. Something I could hold onto during those awful nights that lay ahead. When you came to visit me in Azkaban, you looked so pure and innocent, so out of place. You didn't belong there, and I didn't want you to see me the way I was. Filthy. Desperate. Guilty. But you wouldn't leave. I had to be cruel to send you away. After my return from Azkaban, all those months in the Shrieking Shack seemed to be nothing but a dream. And then, I saw you and Remus together. He made you laugh, and you looked so happy. I thought I'd lost you," he finished quietly.

She stared at him. "What?"

"I thought I'd lost you," he repeated, his composure crumbling. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he clasped her face between his hands.

"Please," he whispered fervently. "Please don't ever leave me again."

She placed her hands over his. "Never again," she promised him.

With a groan, he pulled her to him and kissed her tenderly, almost reverently. A clock chimed in the background, and Jane tore her mouth away.

"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "I must go."

Severus held her back. "Don't leave," he pleaded. "Not now."

"I must." Jane shook off his arms and smoothed her dress. "McGonagall probably thinks you've processed me into one of your potions." She moved away, in search of her cloak, and came to stand by his desk.

Severus watched her glumly. "Please don't go."

"I have to," Jane said.

He slowly shook his head. "No, you don't."

"I'll see you at breakfast."

"No," he said hoarsely, moving up behind her. "No more wasted opportunities. No more teasing. No more suppressing our desires. No more denying what is deep in our hearts."

Unable to meet his smoldering gaze, Jane turned and inspected the paperweight on his desk. She could feel his hot breath on the nape of her neck, his body unbearably close. She slowly nodded, making up her mind.

"No more."

He stepped closer and brought his arms around her, pulling her tightly against him. He kissed her neck.

"No more," he murmured, letting his hands roam sensually over her body, just as they had in her dream so many months ago.

Feeling daring, Jane leaned back into his embrace, against his powerful frame. She reached up behind her and caressed his neck. A low growl rumbled in his throat and he turned her around to face him. Severus slid his hands up to her shoulders and over the vulnerable skin of her throat. He traced the delicate line of her jaw and finally captured her face between his hands. He stared into her eyes, and the fierce, wild longing that burned in his sent icy hot shivers of anticipation through the very core of her. His lips sought hers and they came together in a passionate, urgent kiss, which was neither gentle, nor sweet. It was rough and primal and utterly desperate.

"I need you," he breathed raggedly against her lips, when they broke apart for air. "Now."

Jane nodded. "I know."

"Do you mind?"

She didn't answer him. Instead, she rose on tiptoe, hoping that her kiss would tell him all he needed to know.

A guttural groan escaped his lips. He cleared his desk with one sweep of his arm and lifted her onto it. Jane could feel his desperation in every move he made, in every touch and kiss he bestowed. All she could do was to touch him in return, to make him feel wanted and accepted, and to hold on to him as their passion swept them away.

All too soon, Severus panted against her breasts. "I can't go slowly… it's been too long."

Jane understood his need. "It's alright," she whispered. "I trust you."

With a groan that bordered on pain, he lifted her skirts and removed her underpants with shaking fingers. He fumbled with his trousers and finally managed to free himself. Jane opened her legs in welcome and he groaned again as he rocked against her. He draped her legs over his hips, and she moaned at the intimate contact between their bodies. Severus began to enter her, but suddenly stilled, hesitating. Jane witnessed the conflict in his eyes, the inner battle he waged, and she made the decision for him.

"No turning back," she whispered, and before he could focus enough to understand her meaning, she tightened her legs and pushed up her hips, driving him into her.

They lay still, locked together, for what seemed an eternity. Severus stared down at her, utterly shocked. Her action had caught him completely off guard and it touched him deeply.

"Why?" he demanded. "Why?"

Jane levelly met his troubled gaze. "I love you," she told him simply.

It took him a moment to digest this. He finally nodded slowly. "No turning back."

She smiled and pulled him down to her. With a sob, Severus surrendered to her sweet kiss and at long last let go of his pain and insecurities. Desire claimed him once more, and he drove into her, burying himself to the hilt. Her sweet generosity and years of celibacy pushed him over the edge. His control snapped and he thrust into her again and again. He wasn't gentle. He wasn't slow. Need had taken over and after only a few strokes, he found his release. He drove into her one last time, so powerfully that he rocked the desk. Groaning against her cheek, he collapsed on top of her.

For a long time, neither of them moved, and the only sounds in the room were his ragged pants. Jane's arms were cradling him against her and his head rested over her heart. When he finally lifted himself off her and adjusted his clothes, regret was written over his face. He tenderly lowered her skirts over her legs.

"I'm sorry," Severus apologized wretchedly. "I'm sorry for not making our first time better… more special."

She reached for him and caressed his face. "I didn't mind."

His expression softened. "I don't deserve you."

Jane smiled. "Yes, you do."

Looking down at her, he allowed himself a small smile. "You don't look very comfortable…"

"I have rested better," Jane admitted dryly.

His smile widened, and he swooped her up into his arms. Severus carried her over to the sofa and settled her over his lap. He hugged her to him and Jane rested her head against his shoulder. Her fingers toyed with one of the many buttons on his jacket. He gently removed her hand and entwined his fingers with hers.

"Will you stay the night?"

"I don't want to leave…"

"I was hoping you'd say that."

"…but…"

"No buts," he cut her off with a kiss. He had meant to be gentle, but her enthusiastic response rekindled his passion.

Severus gently eased her backwards, intent on taking his time, on wooing her properly this time. He hadn't given her much pleasure earlier, and he was determined to make up for it.

"I'm sorry," he told her reluctantly within a few minutes, almost embarrassed, "but I must have you again."

Jane's eyes widened in surprise and delight.

"Will you suffer me again?" He didn't meet her eyes.

She reached out and caressed his cheek, pushing his tousled hair out of his face. "I enjoy your touch, Severus. It doesn't make me suffer."

To emphasize this statement, she opened her legs so he could settle more easily against her.

"Take me, Severus."


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