A bitter taste of the past

Closing the door of her flat behind her she breathes a sigh of relief. She can finally relax. She can cry in peace. She can tear up the place in anger. She can break down. She can down a bottle of frewhisky. She can throw herself over the balcony.

She does neither of those things. Doesn't even go for a single shot of firewhisky. That's a new one. Instead she paces. She paces her apartment for hours. Then cleans frantically, scrubbing away like her life depends on it. Not even Lily could call her a slob. After that she bakes. Bakes hundreds of cookies until they threaten to bury her underneath. Still feeling restless she does a workout (she hadn't done that since… ever?) and only after a long shower gets into her bed. She lies on her back, eyes wide open, her head a whirring mess of thoughts.

Peter? Poor little chubby boy? That Peter? Peter that snuck her a plate of her favourite biscuits into the Infirmary when she broke her ankle? Peter that struggled through most of his Hogwarts classes? Peter that spent hours with Lily trying to learn a simple levitation charm. Oh, the patience that that girl possessed? And he betrayed her? The kindest person in the world? And a boy that was his best friend? And he let a one year old baby to die? Faked his own death? And Sirius… Oh, Sirius in that hell for twelve years. How didn't she know? Why didn't she doubt? Remus, abandoned by everyone. Harry with his muggle relatives. What did he say? They wouldn't care. But still he was better off away from her. He was safe. Wasn't he? Dumbledore said… And Petunia loved babies… She saw once… How did Tonks come to be against Voldemort? What was Snape doing there? Lily was right. He was good. And I disappointed her. And Peter… How could a friend turn on another friend like this? And on it went round and round in her brain. Another friend to grieve even if she gained one back. One that hated her. And he had every right to do so.

A good cry would do her good, she knows that. But she is reluctant to relinquish the tight grip she has on her emotions and not a single tear escapes her eyes anyway.

After two hours of turning and twisting in her bed, broken by frequent bathroom brakes, she throws off her blanket in frustration and resumes pacing until it is time to go to work (with a bag of cookies in tow). Around midday, half dead on her feet, she knows she needs to talk to someone (Dumbledore or Remus) to clear things up before she drives herself nuts. As if Dumbledore knew this (and he probably did) she gets an invitation to another Order's meeting for the next day.

That night she drinks a few glasses of wine (something light) and sleeps like the dead, which is luck as going to another meeting deprived of sleep might just result in another disaster.

The second time around waiting for someone to acknowledge her knock on the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place is even more nerve-wrecking then the first time. This evening it is Remus that opens the door and Eva resignedly realises it is no easier to look him in the eye that it was two days ago. He looks surprised to see her there.

"Eva? You came back." She can't really blame him for his apparent astonishment. She had after all been in the wind for the last fourteen years and then after seeing him again, snuck out of the house (with Harry and Ginny's help) like a coward she is. She smiles bitterly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"It's alright, Remus. You went by previous experience."

"Eva…"

"Isn't the meeting about to start? We can talk later." She pushes a basket of cookies into his arms and invites herself in.


The meeting is more emotional then she expected. She anticipated sitting quietly for an hour or so while trying to figure out what is going on by herself and catching up to the current affairs. She planned on accosting Dumbledore or Remus after the meeting ended to catch her up to speed and bring to light some of the more complicated matters.

The headmaster had other plans though. It seemed that the particular meeting was called specifically to get her up to speed with the events of the last fourteen years. It lasted a gruelling four hours and it consisted of Dumbledore and Remus filling her in (on the events leading up to Potters' deaths, on Peter's betrayal, on Sirius' innocence, on how it all came to light, on the Order's previous actions and its renewed assembly and to some extent even on to Harry's Hogwarts years as it all came to be tied down with it), Moody, Tonks and to a lesser extent even Snape jumping in occasionally and Sirius sneering at her hatefully. Sirius has as of yet speak to her beyond the very "warm" welcome she received on the previous visit. Not that she has tried either.

Anyway, it was exhausting and emotionally draining. She feels empty after it.

Declining Molly's invitation to dinner she gets up slowly like in a dream with plans of escaping to her comfy bed or to a shifty pub. She hasn't decided yet. Harry Potter has other plans. He waits for her in the entry hall and upon seeing her starts with no prelude.

"Can you tell me about my mom?" Eva sighs heavily. She had promised him but doesn't think she can do it then.

"Harry, right now-" She is interrupted by his enraged bellowing.

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER! YOU ARE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS! Nobody wants to talk about my mom! She was my mother. MINE! I DESERVE TO KNOW!"

"Harry-"

"NO! You are all dancing around the subject like she is something forbidden. And I don't know anything about her! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GOT TO KNOW HER! YOU WERE LUCKY ENOUGH! I didn't have any time with her. It's not fair."

From the corner of the eye she can spy a variety of ashamed faces and it gives her a lot of insight. It is not just an emotional teenager's overactive imagination, none of them is comfortable bringing back memories of Lily Potter, not Sirius or Remus, or Dumbledore himself and much less Severus Snape. She shares their reluctance; Lily was a beacon of light in all of their lives after all and it hurts so much to know she will never see her again. It is easier to just push her out of her mind. But not even for Harry? Her son?

The kid is about to cry tears of helpless rage when instinct takes over. Eva grips his shoulders tightly and looks him dead in the eye.

"Harry. Listen to me. Your mama was the best person I ever knew. When I met her I was only an eleven-year-old shell of a person. By that time, I had already seen too much and lost even more. I cared for nothing and nobody and she brought light back into my very soul. I loved her dearly and her death has been one of the hardest things that I ever lived through. So, you are right; it is hard for me to talk about her. But you, Harry, you are her son and therefore the person she loved the most in this world. So, I will tell you anything you want to know, Harry. I did promise you, didn't I?"

The teen nods numbly and she can see Sirius halt his advance towards his godson and watch the averting crisis from a few feet away.

"But Harry, I just listened to the most gruesome history lesson that I still hadn't come to terms to. I need some time to process. Would it be okay if I came back some other day?"

Harry nods, his eyes downcast, his face colouring in embarrassment and despite James Potter's face staring at her, Eva is deeply reminded of Lily Evans.

"Let me just say this; undoubtedly you have your mom's temper. That girl could fly off the handle at the drop of a hat." Face even redder, Harry gives her a tentative smile. Eva is suddenly overwhelmed by an urge to draw the boy into a tight embrace. She has no idea how Harry would respond to this (or she for that matter as she has never been overly affectionate) so she restrains herself and slowly drops her hands from his shoulders.

After that she says her goodbyes quickly as she can feel herself losing it once again. The strange knot in her throat doesn't want to go away. Before leaving she gets an open invitation to visit anytime she wants. As this is Sirius' house and he hasn't said anything to her about visiting again (or about anything at all) she is not exactly sure how much merit the invitation has. She plans on taking advantage anyway.

As soon as she is out of the door, as always, her eyes stay dry. That night she drowns herself in alcohol.


She plans on staying away for at least a week but Harry's sad eyes haunt her at all times of the day and no amount of firewhiskey can wash away her guilt. She can't believe she is once again standing in front of that blasted house only four days later. On her own accord. This time two identical faces show up at the door to let her in.

"Well, look who we have here."

"Healer Marlowe." With identical smiles Fred and George (or George and Fred, who knows) tuck their hands into both of her elbows and lead her into the house.

"The best of all healers-"

"-the funniest of all healers-"

"-the fiercest of all healers-"

"-the prettiest of all healers-"

"-and rumour has it-"

"-the healer that gives best-"

"-head."

For a moment she is stunned in complete mortification and can only gap at their mischievous smiles. She has two choices then; either she stutters an apology and then reprimands them for their lack of tact or she plays her own game. She has never been much for rules anyway.

She gives them a coy smile and beacons with her finger for them to lean towards her.

"I don't know what you heard, boys but… It is not just a rumour. I do give best head."

She smirks at the speechless faces and saunters off only to be met with an amused Remus.

"What?"

"Nothing." He is quiet for a while but ultimately just has to comment. "You'll get a bad reputation."

Eva scoffs at him and starts walking towards the kitchen, Remus at her heals.

"How much worse can it get?"

"You would be surprised." Eva gives him a sideways glance at his mutterings.

"Don't fret, Remus. If anything I just gained two loyal admirers."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Eva barges into the kitchen and is pleasantly surprised as people start saying hallos warmly. With the notable exception of Sirius, of course.

"Eva, you are just in time for dinner. Find a seat somewhere."

"Oh, Molly, that's not necessary."

"Nonsense. Sit down, sit down! Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. We have to get some food into you. Look at you! You are skin and bones!"

"I am no such thing!" And she isn't, has never been skin and bones in her entire life. All protests fall on deaf ears and she incredulously finds herself sited at the kitchen table between Tonks and Remus, opposite Harry and his friends. Remus gives her a shrug in answer of her dubious look.

The whole thing is a laud affair and as sceptical as she has been she ends up having fun. She can't remember the last time she talked so much. Or listened to what other people were saying with interest. It's called participating in a conversation, Marlowe. She realizes she had been lonely. Hermione and especially Ginny are very interested in her work and she finds herself explaining her profession and telling anecdotes with enthusiasm. She finds herself interested in what Harry and others want to do after Hogwarts. She finds herself discussing classes, professors and Quidditch. It is not as hard as she thought, thinking back to her own Hogwarts days. It feels good to remember some things now that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her happy memories. Before she knew Sirius was innocent she dared not think of the old days. He was in almost all of her memories and it felt like she was betraying Lily and James and even Peter, when she thought of him as anything other than a murderer. She felt all of her memories were fake. Oh, so many years lost.

After diner, when everybody disperses round the kitchen in various groups, drinks are served; butterbeer for underage and firewhiskey for the adults. She tries to pace herself even as not many of her dinner companions, with the noticeable exception of Molly and Remus, show much restraint. The drink sloshes over Tonks' glass as she eagerly describes how she and Kingsley are conducting the search for Sirius Black. Eva listens with raised eyebrows, mostly at the cackling coming from the younger witch. Harry approaches them cautiously inching around Tonks as to not set off a series of disasters. Eva smirks at him conspiratorially.

"Hey, Harry. This place always such a party cave?" Harry gives her a strange look but then glances around and realizes it really looks like a party.

"Actually, no. Mrs Weasley typically limits the amount of firewhisky and people then usually leave or go to their rooms right after dinner."

"Yes, that makes sense." After that Harry keeps looking at her awkwardly but doesn't say anything. Eva wishes her social skills were less rusty. Not that she ever was much for small talk, especially if there was something particular on her mind. Harry is obviously even less socially adept. "Harry, if you want to say something or ask something you are free to do so, you know? Anything."

"No, I just…"

"I promised we will talk?" Harry nods, not looking at Eva.

"And we did talk some before at the dinner table," he rushes to tell her. "So I didn't want to bother you again tonight. I just-"

"Harry. You are not bothering me. Don't ever think that, okay?" He nods but seems doubtful at that. Eva sighs and empties the glass. For courage. "That's why I came tonight. I came to see you, to talk to you, Harry. I did promise. As you said, we talked some before but maybe we could sit down somewhere quiet for a while?"

"Don't trust anything she says, Harry. Who knows where her loyalties lie." The derisive angry voice can only belong to one person. And he still hadn't spoken directly to her.

"Where my loyalties lie?" She repeats astonished. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"She was known for keeping the company of Death Eaters."

He still hasn't said anything to her directly. This alone makes her grit her teeth in anger. His statement leaves her stunned. The kitchen has quieted down considerably and Harry seems decidedly uncomfortable being in between them, looking from one to the other, wishing he was anywhere else.

"Man-up already and speak to me, Sirius. Don't use Harry as your errand boy. What the hell are you talking about?" This gets him raging mad as she knew it will. Even after fourteen years she still knows how to get a rise out of him.

"What am I talking about? You know very well what I am talking about!" Finally, he has deigned her worthy of being spoken to. She can't remember him ever directing so much anger at her. And they had their share of fights in their past.

"No, I don't. Just say what you want to already because I have no idea what you are talking about!" By now the kitchen is deadly silent.

"Oh, did you finally drink enough firewhisky to fry your brain? Did you forget all about your whoring around behind my back?"

She feels like he slapped her in the face. Somewhere in the distance Molly tells Sirius off for his language but none of them can hear her.

"Me? Me whoring around? That's rich! You were the one that just had to fuck everything in a skirt that crawled your way!"

"Eva!" Someone is pulling at her elbow.

Sirius seems to deflate for a moment but then strikes back, never one to back down.

"Oh, don't play the martyr. Do you think I didn't know? I saw you with him."

"Saw me with who?" Eva truly has no idea what he is talking about. She isn't even that offended that he accused her of cheating on him but to practically accuse her of being a traitor… Well, that's what you did to him, Marlowe. It is a sobering thought but still it makes her see red that he just throws out a statement like this.

"Why, my dear brother of course. You didn't care who scratched your itch as long as it was a Black, right? If you gave up a few Order's secrets along the way that was as well, no?"

She has no conscious thought of raising her hand, only sees her hand making contact with his cheek and hears a resounding slap that echoes around the kitchen. How dare he!

"I was his friend." It comes out in a whisper through clenched teeth. She could say more and she could explain but what difference would it make. Regulus is dead and Sirius wouldn't believe her anyway.

Her mind races and there are some things from the past that are finally put in perspective but it doesn't matter anymore. They aren't a thing anymore. They are less than nothing. And maybe she deserves it. Deserves to have him hate her. Even if it is for something she didn't do. She has after all left him to rot in prison for twelve years. She believed he betrayed James. His brother. How could I do this? How could I believe it?

She remembers that Harry is still in the same room with them and looks at him in apprehension. He looks uncomfortable, stunned and worst of all, hurt.

"Harry…"

"I think I'll go to bed." He bolts from the kitchen before she or anyone else can say anything. Eva sighs tiredly.

The silence in the kitchen is unbearable but there is really nothing to be done about this. The evening is over and people start shuffling towards the exit in a sudden hurry, mumbling goodbyes along the way. Sirius grabs the nearest bottle by the neck and storms out of the kitchen. Eva looks longingly at that bottle. She wants nothing more than to drink herself unconscious. Alas, there is a boy in this very house that needs her and for once she will be there for him. She searches for Ginny, who she has pegged as friendly, quick to catch on and least judgemental of them all. True to her judgement of the teen, Ginny catches on immediately and motions her outside the kitchen.

"Will you show me to Harry's room?" Ginny doesn't ask her a single question as she leads her upstairs and Eva almost wants to hug her for it.

She knocks timidly.

"Harry? Can I come in?" Eva is almost ready to give up when the door opens. She enters carefully and finds Harry lying on his bad, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling. She sits down at the edge of his bad and clenches her fingers in her lap. They sit quietly for some time until Harry is ready to look at her. She gives him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"That this happened in front of you. You shouldn't see this."

"It doesn't matter." He shrugs but she knows it matters.

"It does, Harry. It does. And despite how much I don't want you to see things like this, it will probably happen again. Me and Sirius were always an explosive combination and I can't guarantee it will never happen again. Actually, I can practically guarantee it will. Especially with the way things are now."

"You fought before too?"

"Oh, yeah. Always, violently and often aiming to hurt." Oh, they could be poisonous together.

"And what about…" Harry trails off and blushes, looking away from her. Still, he wants to know and it is only fair that she explains it to him. He is the only one she doesn't want to be thinking badly of her. And she doesn't want him to doubt Sirius either because of her. He loves his godfather after all. And vice versa.

"Harry, me and Sirius, we didn't really have a traditional relationship so to say. We weren't really… exclusive. So, all was fair game and nobody was disloyal. Nobody was cheating. Not in the strictest sense of words. We were together and then we weren't. When we started out it was all very casual for the both of us. We had fun and that was all. After Hogwarts things got a bit more serious. Sirius had an apartment and I was there often, practically lived there. But it was I that still insisted on an open relationship. I had… trust issues and he had a weakness for pretty girls and I taught if I let him have other women then I wouldn't… Well, I didn't want to find out he actually cheated on me when we were exclusive." Then there was no place for forgiveness anymore. And she didn't want to create conditions where that was possible. She was a coward.

Harry is looking at her strangely and she figures she has said enough.

"So, what I said before, downstairs, you know about…" She really doesn't want to use the words fucking around again. "It was all a perfect example of me trying to hurt him like he hurt me. Okay? I don't want you thinking badly of him because of this. He only did, what I practically told him to."

"But you didn't, did you?"

"Didn't what?"

"Go… around… with others?"

"No. Not really. Not after Hogwarts anyway."

"And…?"

"Regulus? He was a very lonely child. And a good friend of mine. A friend. And nothing else. Whatever Sirius thinks is just a figment of his imagination. I wouldn't do that to him, no matter how angry he made me. Do you believe me, Harry? Because I won't walk around convincing anyone else but it's important to me that you believe me. Do you?"

"I believe you." Eva breathes a sigh of relief at his solemn answer. Harry opens his mouth to ask something but then changes his mind and snaps his mouth shut.

"What? Come on, I said you can ask me anything."

"What about my parents? Did they have… an open relationship too?"

Eva can't help but laugh at the question.

"No, Harry. Your parents were as far from an open relationship as one can get. You have nothing to worry about. Your dad worshiped the floor your mom walked on and they trusted each other unconditionally. It was sickening to watch."

They both laugh and Eva can clearly hear relief in his voice. This time she can't help herself. She puts an arm around him in an embrace and settles herself besides him comfortably. They talk then, about Lily and James as long as she is able to handle it and beyond. For Harry she somehow makes do. Merlin, how she loves that boy. In that moment she knows that for once Lily is proud of her.