Sirius makes me a raging lunatic
She feels strange going back to her normal life. Back to reality. She feels like the world that she knew stopped. Gone. Like she should just sit at Number 12 Grimmauld Place until the war ended or until she was dead. It feels pointless and fake getting up at the break of the dawn to don her Healer robes and check up on her patients. At work though she manages to find her footing. Her job has always been her salvation after all. And at the end, working at St Mungo's is her mission for the order. She is their inside man. Or woman. It is lucky nobody expects her to participate in endless gossiping as she is definitely not in mood for that. Or maybe it is not luck. She has only herself to thank that she has established her reputation as a snappish and moody social recluse. Oh well.
Everything that is not her job simply seems stupid. Just passing time between visits to Grimmauld Place. She can't help but turn up at the front door of the Order's headquarters every few days. She is a sadomasochist. But Harry at least seems happy to see her so she comes back as often as possible. Eva tells him about his parents and Harry listens with rapt attention, anxious not to miss a single word. They mostly talk about her Hogwarts years as that were the happiest times of all of their lives. She avoids exploring the deeper issues, mostly because she herself doesn't feel ready for it. Sometimes Remus tells a story or two and even Sirius can't help but chime in occasionally, even if it is only to snip at her. She generally tries to avoid him as his attitude towards her hasn't really improved and she has a hard time not snapping back at him whenever he spits venom her way. Still, she is forced to share a table with him at least once every visit as Molly continuous to insist on fattening her up.
Mostly, though, Eva enjoys listening to Harry tell her about his life. Eva notices that he too talks only about his Hogwarts years. Some of his stories make her cringe even as he tells them with a laugh. She is astounded at some of the things she hears and she might think he is exaggerating if Ron and Hermione weren't right there, nodding along with him. Three-headed dogs, detentions in the Forbidden Forest, murdering Dada professors, petrified students, giant snakes, dementors, dragons? What has this school came to? She can't remember her school years being this exciting. And what are all the adults doing to prevent this? Does Harry even think of turning to an adult when in trouble? What is Dumbledore doing? He promised to protect Harry at all costs.
The more they talk the more she feels a bond forming between them. But also the more they talk, more anxious she is. It drives her to drink. A bunch of eleven-year-olds getting past a complicated polygon of tasks only to face Voldemort himself? I need a drink. Opening a Chamber of Secrets, getting bitten by a Basilisk and destroying a teenaged Voldemort? What the fuck? Almost getting kissed by a dementor, traveling back in time and coming face to face with a fully grown werewolf on full moon? Poor Remus, how he must beat himself over for this. A fourteen-year-old participating in a competition designed for seventeen-year-olds? No wonder Harry has no faith in adults that let this happen. Oh, just wait when I get my hands on you, Albus! I need a bloody bottle!
He hasn't told her everything of course. And it is the things he hadn't said that make her nervous and worried. They are getting closer but Harry has only known her for a few weeks and although it hurts her to think so, he doesn't really know her and he is not about to trust her with his deepest thoughts. He hasn't really said anything about the return of Voldemort except that he has in fact returned. Hasn't even mentioned the death of his classmate that he has undoubtedly witnessed. Even more worrying is what to her seem random bouts of bitterness and resentment towards the adults that are keeping things from him. There are also moments in his stories when he stops himself from saying something, omits things and rarely says how he actually feels about something that happened. Eva feels protectiveness rise in her chest. Merlin, I would do anything to spare you. I would take your destiny upon my shoulders if I could. She has a hard time staying sober when visiting. She tries though. For Harry.
For Harry she also does something that she really, really doesn't want to. She decides to broach the subject with Remus and Sirius. To do that she actually has to speak to them. She tentatively approaches the kitchen one afternoon after a cleaning session, she has been bullied into by Molly, to find Remus and Sirius in the kitchen reading and drinking tea. There is only the two of them just like she hoped. Catching Remus' eye she chickens out and goes straight for the alcohol cabinet.
"Firewhisky anyone?" Eva doesn't know what alerts them to her nervousness more; her squeaky voice or the fact she is offering drinks to Sirius in his house. Although she has taken to calling the house Order's headquarters rather than Sirius' house. In her head at least.
"You mean my firewhisky?" She doesn't answer nor does she wait for them to express their wishes regarding the said firewhisky. She pours herself a generous amount and then pushes two glasses towards both men. Sirius latches onto it even as he glares at her. Remus doesn't touch the drink.
"What's on your mind, Eva?" At Remus' inquiry she sits down opposite them, takes a sip, sighs deeply then gets back up on her feet and starts to pace. She is restless. Remus lets her pace herself out until she finally stops and turns back towards them clutching the backrest of the chair she has briefly sat on before.
"Why is nobody looking out for Harry?" The words burst out of her mouth, angry, desperate and accusing. This is not the way she wanted to do this but she realizes that this is an unfiltered sum of her feelings. Sirius of course takes it personally.
"Excuse me?" Her ex-boyfriend gets on his feet in an instant and growls, actually growls at her.
"This is not normal!" She is close to bellowing and Remus gets up in alarm too. "It is not normal for a kid to be dealing with this! Voldemort! At Hogwarts? Hogwarts! Under Dumbledore's nose. Not once! Three times now! What the hell? Wasn't the whole point to protect Harry? To give him a normal childhood? To be safe? How is he safe with trolls and basilisks and dementors and dragons? At school? And to let a fourteen-year-old to participate in a Triwizard Tournament? HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"
"LET THIS HAPPEN? There was no letting it happen! The contract is binding to-"
"HE IS A MINOR! NO CONTRACT IS BINDING UNTILL HIS CARETAKERS ALLOW IT! Don't tell me there is nothing to be done!"
"Who are you to say this? WHERE WERE YOU? Oh, let me answer this. You were safely hidden away, sticking your head in the sand, drowning in drink like always! That's the only way you ever knew how to deal with your fucked-up life."
"Like you're the one to talk, Oh-high-and-mighty! Who was the one that got me into drink in the first place, hm?" She sneers at him and in protest she grabs the bottle and takes a swing right out of it. She is so angry she can't think straight. This argument has quickly turned into an emotional shouting match that has little to do with Harry.
"Guys-" Remus tries to intervene but none of them are paying him any attention. He thinks about silencing the room but he can already see a growing audience of wide-eyed teenagers at the door and sighs in resignation.
"Oh, blame me, why don't you! Blame me for everything bad that ever happened in your life and then you can fuck-off and go drown yourself in that bottle you are so fond off!"
"Yes, that was always your preferred solution no?" She offers him a mocking scoff. "Drink and fuck!" None of them can hear a cacophony of startled gasps. They are too busy glaring at each other. Later Eva is grateful for the anger that while it clouds her judgement, it also shields her from her other emotions. Emotions that could make her crumble. Would make her crumble.
"At least something you were good at," he tells her viciously, intending to hurt her. And it does. It does hurt her. Mostly it hurts that he would say it. She stumbles a bit from the blow. "Is that all you managed to do in the last fourteen years? Fuck around? Obviously you haven't been taking care of Harry."
If she were thinking straight, she would turn away and leave. But Sirius always could bring out the worst of her.
"And what good were you, locked up in Azkaban?" Her voice is as cold as ice. "How well did you take care of your godson from prison?"
"I was innocent! Do you think I asked for it? Do you think I went to Azkaban willingly? Do you think I wouldn't be taking responsibility for my godson if I was free?!"
"You sure weren't thinking about Harry when you went after Peter, did you? Rash lake always!"
"HE BETRAYED THEM! HE KILLED THEM! HE KILLED JAMES!" As he yells into her face she actually thinks he might strike her.
"And all James wanted was for his son to be safe! He trusted you to protect him! James wouldn't care about revenge!"
"ENOUGH!" Remus' eyes glint an angry yellow colour as he yells at his remaining friends. It always astounded him how they could rip into each other. Eva looks at him startled and only then notices the shocked audience. She catches the crestfallen face of Harry Potter and immediately deflates. Anger leaves her but she is yet too numb to feel any shame. She feels the bottle being ripped out of her fingers and sees Sirius stalk out of the kitchen.
One of the Weasley twins' mutters something about anger management as Sirius passes but otherwise everybody is silent. She looks at Harry's face and detects hurt, pity, anger and resentment among other things. She knows she should talk to him but she is too broken at the moment. She stumbles towards the door, intending to escape.
"It's not your fault, Harry. Never your fault. It's us. All of us too broken to be of any use to you." It is all she can mutter to him and she doesn't even wait to gauge his reaction.
Eva doesn't go back to the headquarters for more than a week. She can't handle seeing anyone and she is way too drunk most of the time to show her face anyway. Sirius was right, she deals with her life by denial and alcohol. And she needs those. She feels guilty abandoning Harry and she feels even more guilty thinking about her fight with Sirius.
The whole conversation rolls on in her head on constant repeat. Every spiteful word, every sneer, every mocking scoff, every emotion passing his gaunt face. On and on and on and on. It nearly drives her crazy. The flashbacks surprise her in the middle of St Mungo's cafeteria where she is forced to ply herself with sobering potion and she can't wait for her shift to be over so she can soften her too bright world with alcohol.
Who knows when the vicious circle would stop if Remus Lupin didn't show up at her doorstep one evening. She could hardly slam the door in his face. Her flat is a disaster zone; clothes, take-out containers and bottles strewn across all the surfaces and she is not much better, already slightly drunk, dressed in her winkled healer robes, make-up smeared and her hair a greasy mess. Remus doesn't hold back his grimace.
"Merlin's pants, Marlowe. You look like shit."
"Thanks, Lupin," she mutters before leaving him at her doorstep and throwing herself onto the couch, not bothering to remove a pile of cloths covering the furniture. Remus rolls his eyes as he figures opening the door was to be the height of Eva Marlowe's manners. He closes the door, gives the flat a glance of disgust and uses his wand to remove a dirty nightshirt from the nearest armchair so he can sit down.
"I see you've been busy." Remus looks around the disaster of an apartment pointedly.
"I'll let you know it takes great effort for the place to look like this."
"Oh yes, lots of brooding." She glares at her old friend before sighing in defeat.
"What do you want Remus?"
"You haven't been around for the last week." She gives him a look that clearly says she thinks him mental.
"Yeah, well I didn't think I was welcome back," she remarks bitterly.
"Eva." At his gentle voice she looks up. "You are always welcome. Number 12 Grimmauld Place is the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix." Eva scoffs at this and looks away. "And Harry misses you."
At this her head snaps back up hopefully.
"He does?"
"He has been asking about you."
"He has? I thought maybe he won't want to see me again."
"Eva, he is just confused. I tried talking to him but I think you should do it." She gets up abruptly and starts to pace her flat which is more like dodging the obstacles.
"I know. I know I should. I just… Merlin, Remus I am so ashamed. The things I said. The sadistic pleasure I got out of hurting him. Because that's what I was doing. He hurt me and I just had to poke where I knew it hurts most. I don't want to do it. Really, Remus, I already feel guilty enough about… You know…?"
Remus nods, his eyes downcast. "I know."
"But the moment he stands in front of me… I just react. The things that come out of my mouth… I didn't even know I feel that way and I don't. Not really. But some part of me…"
"Some part of you resents him for not seeing you are hurting too?" She nods anxiously.
"Yes. And the other part of me knows I deserve everything he dishes at me."
"Eva…"
"Let's not go there, Remus." He nods in agreement.
"Harry leaves for Hogwarts on the first. That's in two days." She knew this but still she feels her throat close up at this. She will miss that kid.
"I'll stop by tomorrow," she promises. Remus nods and stands up to leave.
"Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you." He nods with a slight smile. "For everything. And I'm sorry."
"Eva-"
"Just- Let me say this. Apparently I already babbled some of this but I want to do this sober. Well, semi-sober at least. I'm sorry for abandoning you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Actually, you were the only good thing I had left after Lily an James died. But Sirius was right about how I deal with my life; denial and booze. And that's how I dealt with the memories I was left with. I nearly killed myself drinking and I avoided looking at anything that reminded me of the past. It wasn't fair and I'm sorry. I am so sorry."
She is suddenly yanked into a tight embrace and after stiffening initially, she relaxes into steady safe hands of her friend.
"I wanted to do that for the last few weeks," he tells her hoarsely. She clutches his robe in her fists and holds onto him like her life depends on it. She hasn't been hugged in years. Oh, how she missed this. She missed him. She missed genuine human interaction. She missed the affection that came with having friends. She missed talking with people that knew her inside and out. She missed loving people. She missed being loved. And right there wrapped in Remus' arms, she knows she is loved.
Eva feels her and the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place had become quite familiar with one another in the last weeks. It still doesn't explain why she has been staring at it for the last ten minutes.
"It won't open by itself you know?" She jumps at the voice behind her back. Bill Weasley chuckles at her.
"Yeah, well it might combust spontaneously. Here's to hoping."
Bill actually laughs at that.
"If the door does combust, I can assure you there will be nothing spontaneous about it. You'll have my brothers to thank."
Eva laughs along with him and feels herself relax slightly.
"You're probably right."
"So, you going in or what?" She looks at him dubiously. "Come on, Eva. It'll be alright. We've all missed you. It has been very quiet without you."
She smacks his shoulder playfully at his quip.
"That doesn't make me feel any better." Still, she lets him lead her into the house. She is relieved she didn't have to knock at least even as anxiety returns full bloom when she enters the gloomy hall. Now how to go about this to cross paths with as few people as possible and still get to Harry? She smiles sheepishly at Bill. He rolls his eyes.
"You want me to check where Harry is?"
"Yes, please."
Bill's subtle investigation leads her to the drawing room on the first floor. Harry doesn't hear her enter, too lost in his own thoughts. He is absently tracing his fingers over the lines of the tapestry of Black family tree. He looks sad.
"At the end, you know, those lines don't mean anything." Harry looks at her startled. "Real family can't be put up there on the wall."
"Eva?" He looks uncertain, torn between joy at seeing her and apprehension.
"Hey, Harry." For a while they look at each other from a distance.
"I wasn't sure I'll see you again." She rubs her palm over her chest to ease the throbbing ache.
"I wasn't sure you wanted to see me again."
"I do. I was just…"
"Angry, confused?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, Harry." She gathers the courage and steps forward, taking his hands into hers. "I am so sorry. God, it feels all I am saying all the time is how sorry I am. But I am, Harry."
"Well, you did say that at some time you'll probably fight with Sirius again." He shrugs sheepishly. She shakes her head.
"Yes but that was brutal. Uncalled for. You should never have been witness to that. You shouldn't be witness to a lot of things in your life. And the thing I didn't want to do was add to that. And it is exactly what I did."
"I guess you did go a little overboard."
"A little overboard?" Eva laughs at that. "Your mom used to say he could turn me into a raging lunatic."
"Yes, I did thought you'll start to foam at the mouth any second." They softly smile at each other.
"Come on. Let's sit down for a while. I won't see you again for some time and I want some quality time. We already missed so much. Are you looking forward to Hogwarts?" Harry shrugs uncertainly and Eva can see conflict behind his eyes.
"Yes. I do. Hogwarts is my home." The longing in his voice makes her throat tighten.
"But?" she prompts.
"I don't want to be ungrateful. Grimmauld Place hasn't been so bad. Certainly better than the Dursleys-"
"Better than the Dursleys?!" Eva exclaims in surprise. What teenager would rather spend his summer in this dingy house than at home where he has access to outdoors. Harry doesn't acknowledge her though.
"But Sirius will still have to stay here. In this house he hates so much." His glum seems to spread and Eva sighs sadly.
"Harry. We haven't spoken much, me and Sirius. Unless it was to shout at one another. I am sure he carries his demons with him like we all do. But he has to be the one to deal with them, not you. He is a grownup. Granted, one that hasn't really had time to grow but still. You can't stay here just so he isn't alone. You belong at Hogwarts. And he knows that."
"That's what he said once too, you know? When we saved him, me and Hermione from the dementors in my third year and I wanted to go with him. He said I belong at Hogwarts."
"See? He does possess some common sense occasionally." Harry chuckles but then stops and his eyes cloud over. He seems lost I his thoughts. "Harry?"
"Do you really think it's his fault? Azkaban?" Eva sighs sadly, dragging hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."
"No, it's okay. Sirius was always reckless, impulsive, doing things that he didn't think through and regretting them later. Your dad balanced him out though, kept him from going too far. Without him, he was lost, I think. I don't think he thought about what he was doing when he went after Peter. I think all he saw was that his other half, because that's what James was to him, was dead and his balance was crushed. I want to say, that he meant to kill Peter and then come back to take care of you, Harry but the truth is I don't think Sirius thought that far in the future. And if he did, I don't think he saw himself coming back alive."
"You think he wanted to kill himself?" Harry asks horrified.
"No, no. I just don't think he thought he could survive it. Survive that pain." Harry still looks uneasy. "So no, I don't think it's his fault. You shouldn't think that either. Sirius loved you. He loves you. He lives even now for you, Harry. For son of a man that was more than his brother. You should remember that. And not listen to me when I am foaming at the mouth."
"Funny how you scream the most horrible things into his face but defend him fiercely behind his back." Harry says this with wonder in his green eyes and Eva is strongly reminded of Lily.
"Sometimes you remind me so much of your mom. You have her compassion, her regard for others and her intuition. I can almost hear her say just a thing like this."
"Are you… I mean… Sirius was my dad's best friend and you were my mom's best friend and Sirius is my godfather… Are you…?" Eva shakes her head in denial.
"No, Harry. I'm not your godmother. At least not officially." He frowns in confusion as the hopeful glint in his eyes diminishes and Eva wishes with all her might she could give him a different answer. "I was supposed to be. We already had a date set for when we were supposed to be appointed your godparents but I was called on an unexpected mission for the order and I told them to just go ahead. It didn't matter anyway, at least it seemed so then. If anything happened to your parents you were to come live with me and Sirius anyway. As long as one of us had official claim it was okay. And I could do it at a later date anyway. It never came though, as you know."
"So that's why I couldn't live with you? You weren't my family and you weren't my godmother?" There is something unreadable in his face as he says this. Eva nods pondering if she should say more. Should she say she wasn't fit to walk the street much less take care of a child?
"Yes. You went to your closest blood relative. Harry?" She waits for him to look at her. "I remember from what Lily told me about her sister, that she didn't really care much for magic. But she did treat you nicely, right?"
"Sure." He shrugs and then turns back to the tapestry. Eva narrows her eyes suspiciously but before she can dig deeper, they are interrupted by Ron an Hermione.
"Harry! Dinner is ready! Are you-" Ron stops abruptly as he catches sight of Eva, blushes scarlet and looks anywhere but at her.
"Hi, Ron. Hermione." They nod at her awkwardly and she doesn't blame them. They know way too much about her personal life. "Right. I should probably go. I just came to say goodbye before you leave for Hogwarts."
"You could stay for dinner." Harry suggests politely and she can hear Ron chock.
"Yeah, maybe not Harry. I think Molly has yet to forget how many f-bombs were dropped in her kitchen the last time I was here."
Eva smiles at the sniggering teenagers.
She hopes against hope not to meet anybody as the trio escorts her downstairs. Her luck for the day seems to have run out. At least it's not Sirius. Arthur, Remus, Bill and Tonks all smile at her kindly when they see her coming down with Harry. She once again declines the invitation to dinner and moves towards the entrance trying not to look like she is hightailing it out of there. Remus raises an amused eyebrow at her hurry.
"I hope you have a great year, Harry. Truly." She hugs him, not giving him a chance to protest even if he wanted to. "Write to me. And if you have any trouble," at this point she stretches her elbows and moves a little bit away from him so she can look him in the eye. "Please for Merlin's sake and my own sanity, tell someone. Go to an adult for help. Please try to stay out of trouble."
"The trouble usually finds me," he protests.
"Yes. But I knew I boy named James Potter once and he too took it upon himself (and his mates) to save everybody's problems even when they were none of his business and better left for an adult to deal with. And you Harry are very much like that from what I gathered."
"Really?" He grins at her in delight. Eva can't help but grin back even as she shakes her head in exasperation.
"Yes. But, please, Harry, I'm serious."
"I thought you were Eva."
"Harry!" she exclaims. "Do you have any idea how overused that joke is? Anyway, stop trying to distract me. If you have problems or suspicions or anything like that talk to someone. You can always write to me. Or Sirius. Or Remus. Or go to Dumbledore."
"Dumbledore seems very busy," he mutters.
"At least try. For me? Please? And no more dragons and giant snakes and the like okay?"
"I really don't miss any of those."
"Do we have a deal?" Harry nods complacently. "Promise?"
"I promise." Smiling she hugs him one more time. She catches a pair of grey eyes over his shoulder but they are gone in an instant.
