Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.
Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, The Beatles
Chapter Fifteen – Truth and Consequence
…where Severus acts like a bastard – again – and faints…
The late spring sun had finally forced its way through the clouds after weeks of rain. Jane was walking briskly across the courtyard, deep in thought. In six short weeks the term would draw to an end, and she was looking forward to spending the summer at Fenton Hall, overseeing the changes that would transform it from her parents' cold ancestral seat into her home. Jane had mentioned it to Severus one evening, while they were sitting in front of the fireplace, but he had only nodded noncommittally, and that had been the end of it. As she entered the castle and headed towards the hospital, she wondered whether he would visit her at Fenton Hall.
"You won't believe it! Snape's gone soft!"
A couple of sixth years, a lanky tall boy and his shorter friend, shouldered past her, interrupting her train of thought. Jane recognized them as Peter Hillcrest and Frederick Fern.
"What happened?" the short boy, Peter, asked curiously.
"He caught me doing my Herbology homework during class and he didn't give me detention!"
Peter stopped in his tracks, grabbing his friend by the arm. "No!"
"It's true," the other boy confirmed. "He didn't even take off any House points!"
"No!" Peter exclaimed again. "That's the first thing he usually does."
"I know!"
"He really didn't punish you?"
"I didn't get detention, no," Frederick hedged, "but I still have to write a four foot essay on the different varieties of deadly nightshade and their uses in modern potion making…"
Jane grinned widely as they disappeared down another corridor. She would have to tease Severus about that the next time she saw him. She liked teasing him, especially when they were in public. Her favorite pastime during meals was to flirt with him across the Head table. She had discovered that it took no more than a coquettish wink to make him shift uncomfortably, and if she let her tongue flick seductively over her lips, he would downright glower at her. Yes, she loved to tease Severus Snape.
In the few short weeks since they'd become lovers, she had learned a lot about Hogwarts' brooding Potions master. To her great dismay and annoyance, it had turned out that Severus abhorred public displays of affection of any kind. During meals, he sat safely away from her at the far end of the Head table. When they met in one of the castle's many hallways, he would always stand at arm's length and address her as Miss Sinclair, never as Jane. When they walked together in public, he wouldn't even take her arm, let alone her hand. Jane sighed. She was fairly certain that he wasn't ashamed of their relationship, but she didn't understand why he was so hell-bent on keeping it a secret. He shared his body with her without any reservations, and they could talk for hours about the most diverse topics, but he still did not confide in her. Severus was an emotionally crippled man, she knew that. But she had observed a gradual change in him over the weeks. It had been subtle, but she had noticed it nonetheless. It gave her hope that maybe, just maybe, they could make it work.
---
Jane turned a corner on her way to the hospital and realized that she had gone in the wrong direction. Habit had forced her feet in the direction of Severus' quarters. Muttering an oath under her breath, she turned on her heels and retraced her steps along the deserted corridor.
"Looking for me?"
Severus had suddenly come up behind her and his silky drawl sent shivers of anticipation down her spine. She stopped in her tracks and faced him. "Not really, Severus. I took a wrong turn and ended up here."
His smoldering dark eyes raked over her. "Were you thinking of me?"
"As a matter of fact, I was, Severus…"
He stepped closer, fixing her with his gaze.
"…but not that way."
The corner of his mouth twitched. Whether it was out of amusement or annoyance, she couldn't tell. "How… disappointing."
"Well, not everything is about you, Severus."
He arched an eyebrow. "Is that a fact?" he asked good-naturedly.
She smiled and nodded.
He crossed his arms and stared down at her. "So, where were you going, if not to see me?"
"I…" Jane hesitated briefly. "Well, I was on my way to see Madam Pomfrey, if you must know."
Immediately, concern registered on his face. "What's wrong?" he asked worriedly. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Severus," she said gently. "I just needed her advice on a potion."
"A potion?" he queried. "I am the Potions teacher. You should come to me."
"It… well…" Jane blushed. "It is somewhat of a delicate nature. I needed to talk to a woman."
"Why?"
"Well, hm, I…" Jane blushed even more. "Well, I… I thought I was pregnant."
Severus turned ashen, utterly mortified.
"Oh, don't worry," she reassured him hastily. "I got my… um, I mean… I'm definitely not pregnant." She gave a nervous laugh. "I just feel like such a fool. I'd never even thought of the consequences, until I got my… I, uh…"
"How could I do this to you?" Severus asked disbelievingly.
"What?" Jane stared at him in confusion. "Oh, don't be silly. You haven't done anything to me, Severus."
"I was selfish and thoughtless…"
"So was I." Jane sighed. "But it doesn't matter now. No harm done. I was just on my way to see Madam Pomfrey about a contraceptive potion."
"No!"
His sudden outburst caught her by surprise. "Severus, we've had a lucky break, but we can't keep going on like this. We have to be more careful. Unless…" She broke off. A sudden thought had occurred to her. "Do you want a child?"
Severus stared down into her eyes. A child… with Jane… He thought about it for a moment. To see her belly swell with his child… To grow old with Jane… No more cold lonely nights, no more maddening solitude, no longer being the outcast. He could almost see it in his mind. It would be Heaven… If only his fate hadn't been preordained. He closed his eyes and sighed.
"I meant to say," he clarified, "that I will prepare the potion for you. No one else need know about… this."
"Why can't the others know about us?" Jane asked him softly. "Severus, I'm happy, and I want to share my joy."
"And I want to keep it quiet," he told her tersely. "It's no one else's business."
"Severus…" Jane was quickly losing her patience. "Half the school already knows, and the other half suspects it."
"WHAT?" His angry roar echoed off the dark gray walls.
"Those paintings outside your office are incurable gossips."
He muttered an oath and began to pace, obviously displeased.
"Is it really so terrible if people know how we feel about each other, Severus?"
"It concerns no one but us," he told her tersely.
Jane stared at him in disbelief, and he closed his eyes, willing himself to be calm.
"Jane, please be sensible," he told her with forced patience. "I thought you of all people would appreciate what I am doing for you. For us. Given your past, I thought you would be especially sensitive to gossip. Apparently, I was wrong."
"Of course, I don't like gossip, Severus." She sighed. "But I am fine with it in this case. I'm happy and wish I could shout it from the rooftops."
His mouth twisted in disgust. "Is this childish need for attention your way of making up for all the lonely years in your life?"
Jane stepped back, stunned by his cold remark. "I can't believe you just said that," she told him, shaking her head incredulously. "I can't believe you'd even think that!"
Severus saw the pain in her eyes and realized he'd gone too far. "Well, what else am I supposed to think?" he snapped, angry with himself for hurting her. "You know how I feel about this. And, yet, you keep teasing me in public, constantly undermining my authority. My students are already losing their respect for me…"
Her eyes narrowed. "So, this is really about you?"
"Yes!" He broke off, frowning. "I mean, no. That is…"
"I see." Jane's voice broke as she struggled for control. "So, everything is fine as long as I remain your dirty little secret? Is that all our relationship is to you – a sexual interlude? Is that all I am to you?"
Severus didn't answer her. How could he make her understand that he was trying to protect her? He wanted to promise her a future without worries, without heartache and pain. Yet, how could he do that, not knowing what lay ahead?
"Don't bother to answer," she said when he remained silent. "Your silence tells me all I need to know."
He sighed. "Jane, I…"
"No." She held up her hand, silencing him. "Don't insult me with insincere excuses. I deserve better than that."
What was she saying? Fear squeezed his heart. "Jane?"
"Severus, I love you. God help me, but I do. Body and soul. But you are a difficult man to love, and right now, I don't even like you…" She broke off, hesitant about what to say next.
His expression became inscrutable as fear turned to anger. "Go on," he growled in a dangerously low voice. "Tell me what a despicable man I am."
Jane's chin came up. "You don't make it easy for anyone to get close, especially me. So, from now on, I'll give you the space you so obviously crave. Tonight, I sleep alone."
Severus stared at her for a moment as the meaning of her words sank in. It was all over. She was leaving him, and the thought of it twisted his insides. He saw the determination in Jane's eyes and realized that there would be nothing he could say to her that would change her mind. She was leaving him! Helpless anger surged through him.
"Fine, then," he snapped scornfully, hiding his pain behind his usual mask of contempt. "Leave! It's obviously what you want."
Jane searched his eyes, but they were veiled. "It isn't about that, at all," she told him sadly. "And until you realize that, there is no hope for us."
---
The doors banged open and Severus stormed into the Potions classroom, his face dark with fury.
"Open your books to page 356," he barked angrily as he strode to the podium.
"Professor?"
He swirled around and fixed the student who had dared speak to him with a menacing glare. Miss Granger, of course. He should have known.
"What?" His vicious snarl made it clear that he was in no mood for questions.
Hermione stared at him wide-eyed and slowly lowered her hand. "Nothing, Professor," she mumbled quietly.
"Page 356," he repeated tersely and watched impatiently until the last student had finally opened his book. "You have one hour," he told them brusquely.
"But, Professor…" Hermione's hand shot up again.
"It is a straight-forward potion, Miss Granger," he snapped at her. "Even Longbottom could brew it without spoiling it."
He straightened and moved to his desk, when a whisper reached his ears and stopped him mid-step.
"Someone's got his knickers in a bunch…"
Severus turned abruptly and quickly cut across the classroom. He slapped his hands down on the student's desk and thrust his face in the boy's face.
"Would you care to repeat that, Mr. Weasley?" he snapped.
Ron gulped nervously and began to tremble. "I… well…" He tugged at his collar.
"Detention, Mr. Weasley," Severus determined quickly. He stared at Ron until the boy began to squirm miserably.
"Yes," Severus continued thoughtfully, "I think scrubbing all the Potions implements in my storage room will give you some time to reflect on proper classroom etiquette."
He straightened and walked walk away.
"Blimey!" He could hear Weasley whisper in the background again. "Seems like Professor Sinclair has lost her touch…"
Severus stopped again. "Of course," he said tersely and reached for his wand. "I could also wash out your mouth with soap… right here, right now. It might teach you some humility and respect."
Ron's face had turned beet-red. He shook his head furiously.
"Detention, Mr. Weasley," Severus reminded him, moving to his desk. "Oh, and fifty points from Gryffindor…" he added as though it was an afterthought, "for disrespecting a teacher."
He sat down behind his desk and glowered darkly at the shocked faces before him. "Page 356," he instructed them once more. "One hour."
---
In the darkness of his chambers, Severus lay awake, unable to find rest. Try as he might, sleep kept eluding him, and he kept tossing and turning in his bed. He missed Jane. In the few weeks that they'd been lovers, he had grown used to Jane sleeping beside him. Her presence was reassuring, and her body next to his was a safe haven to turn to after a terrifying nightmare. But she wasn't here now. She was sleeping in her own bed tonight. He missed the lulling sound of her gentle snoring, the comforting warmth of her body. Her scent still clung to his pillows, but it could not ease his troubled mind. He stared at the ceiling, unseeing.
Jane wasn't here. Severus grimaced painfully. He only had himself to blame, himself and his blasted temper. But she had provoked him, damn it. He balled his hand into a fist and brought it forcefully down on the mattress beside him. Jane knew very well how he felt about public displays of affection and, yet, every day, she would tease him mercilessly. Today, again, she had flirted shamelessly with him during meals, leaving him exposed to be ridiculed by his students. Their fight this afternoon had been… unfortunate, Severus admitted. His anger had long since evaporated, however, and he wished for her to be here with him now, so he could apologize and beg her forgiveness. So he could show her how much he loved her. He had never said the words, and she had never asked for them.
He sat up. Of course, he thought, that was it. He knew how she felt about him. Jane had told him many times and in many ways. She had also comforted him through his darkest hours, never asking for anything in return. He, on the other hand, had never asked her how she felt, what she needed. He had never asked her what he could do to ease her pain, how he could erase her unhappy past. He had repaid her selflessness with utter selfishness. And he had never told her that he loved her. Severus swung his legs off the bed, ready to rush to Jane and tell her what was in his heart, but then he changed his mind. He would let her have one night's reprieve, he decided. Yes, he thought. One night should be enough for her to calm down and be more receptive to him when he approached her tomorrow. He lay back, folding his arms under his head. Yes, tomorrow he would talk to her. He had nothing to offer her but his love, and he hoped it would be enough.
---
"What do you mean 'she never returned to the castle'?" Severus glowered threateningly at the portrait outside Jane's quarters.
The witch in the portrait shrugged helplessly, taken aback by his outburst. "I asked every picture and portrait between the entrance hall and this corridor. She never came back."
He had come to her rooms, ready to apologize and to escort her to breakfast. His determined rap against her door, however, had been met with nothing but silence. And when he'd tried the handle, he'd found the door locked. Minutes later, he had been banging on the door, demanding entry. The witch in the portrait had watched him for a while, partly amused and partly annoyed at his antics. When he'd finally stopped to consider his next move, she had informed him tersely that Professor Sinclair had not been to her quarters since the previous afternoon. Severus had barked at her to give him a better answer, if she wanted her picture to remain unharmed, but she'd just walked out of the frame. Soon after, the indomitable Severus Snape could be seen pleading with an empty picture. It had been his hopeless desperation that had finally brought the witch back and had her promise to find out what she could. She'd returned shortly after, only to tell him that Professor Sinclair had left Hogwarts the previous afternoon in the company of a sixth year, and neither had returned.
She never returned to the castle. Severus felt his knees give out suddenly and he slumped against the wall behind him as the meaning of what she'd said hit him. The witch in the portrait watched his ashen face and took pity on him.
"I think I better tell the Headmistress," she told him, concern written all over her face, and hurried off.
Severus never noticed her leave. She never came back. His heart was beating painfully against his ribs, until he thought his chest was going to explode, and he suddenly had difficulties breathing. She never returned to the castle. Something had happened to her. Severus was certain of that. However, the uncertainty of her fate was more than he could bear. If the Dark Lord had her, she would be lost to him forever. Angry tears of helplessness burned in his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperately fighting the urge to yell out his pain and anguish, and everything went black.
McGonagall and Remus found him like this – slumped against the wall, unconscious and deep in shock.
"Dear God," the Headmistress exclaimed, rushing to his side. "Remus, come, help me."
She grabbed one of Severus' arms and pulled at it with surprising strength. Remus took his other arm, and together they dragged him to the hospital.
"Poppy," McGonagall called for the healer, as soon as they entered the infirmary. "We need some privacy."
Madam Pomfrey hurried ahead of them, waving her wand to create an isolation area, impervious to prying ears and eyes. Together they all lowered Severus onto the crisp hospital linens and Madam Pomfrey quickly examined him.
"What happened?" she asked, feeling for his pulse. "Was he attacked?"
McGonagall began to pace, wringing her hands. "It's Professor Sinclair. She's gone missing."
"What does that have to do with Severus?" Madam Pomfrey looked up, confused.
"The two were… erm…" The Headmistress didn't quite know how to put it. "They are…"
"They are lovers," Remus threw in bluntly.
The two women stared at him aghast.
"Well, it's the truth," he defended himself. Them. "There's no use beating about the bush. Besides, now is not the time to pass judgment."
"Well," Madam Pomfrey said, spooning a purple liquid into Severus. "Let's see what our patient here has to say about all this."
Moments later his eyes flew open and his face contorted in disgust. "What the hell?"
His eyes fell on the people watching him expectantly, and he started.
"Tsk, tsk," the healer chided softly. "The Rejuvenating Potion is supposed to revitalize you. It's not supposed to taste good."
"It's disgusting," Severus complained with a groan.
"What did you expect? Firewhiskey?"
"Never mind that now," McGonagall interjected impatiently. "Severus, what happened to Jane?"
All of a sudden, it all came back to him. He closed his eyes as the feelings of guilt and helplessness washed over him once more.
"I don't know," he murmured dejectedly. "I went to see her this morning, and she wasn't there."
"But where is she?"
He shook his head. "I don't know."
Remus cleared his throat, drawing three pairs of eyes. "She left with Colin Creevey for London yesterday afternoon. They were going to take pictures around town."
McGonagall stopped her pacing. "Colin Creevey?"
"Minerva, surely, you remember that the two of them have been taking regular trips into the Muggle world? You yourself gave Creevey permission to stay out after curfew, so he could help Jane take pictures for her Muggle Studies lessons."
"Why, yes… yes, of course." The Headmistress began to fidget nervously with the brooch holding her robes together. "Oh dear, oh dear."
Severus sat up. "The Dark Lord…"
The Headmistress and Madam Pomfrey gasped in horror.
"We can't be certain of that, or anything else for that matter, at this time." Remus tried to be the voice of reason. In truth, however, he was extremely worried. "Our priority now is to find Jane and Colin Creevey," he said with forced calmness.
"But London is such a large city," McGonagall exclaimed, worry creasing her face more than usual. "There are a million things that could have happened to them."
"The Dark Lord has wanted Jane ever since he found out about her," Severus spoke up, swallowing the bitter taste in his mouth. "He wanted me to deliver her to him. I thought I could thwart his plans by surrendering myself to the Ministry and going to Azkaban…" Pain stole into his eyes, and he hit the hospital bed with his fist. "I promised Jane I'd look out for her. I promised her I wouldn't let anything happen to her." He groaned. "I failed her."
Remus leaned closer, fixing him with his gaze. "You really love her, don't you?" he asked him earnestly.
Severus nodded curtly. "She is my life, Lupin," he told him earnestly.
Remus searched his eyes for another moment or two, before he nodded, satisfied. He straightened and faced McGonagall, who had been watching them nervously. "Minerva, I think I better alert the Order. Jane might not even be in trouble, but it doesn't hurt to be cautious. I'll check her office to see if she left any clues as to where she might have gone. Severus, you might want to come with me. If you feel up to it, that is."
Severus stood, swaying slightly. Madam Pomfrey reached out to steady him, but he shook her off.
"I really don't think you should be on your feet, just yet, Severus," she told him worriedly.
"I'm alright," he snapped, quickly becoming his old self again. He had a purpose now, a mission. He couldn't afford to be weak now. Not if he wanted to save Jane. "Lead the way, Lupin."
Lost and Found © 2005-2006 by MMHG
