Man-up

Come first of September she expects to feel relief as she now has no reason to be a frequent visitor to Number 12 Grimmauld and can though avoid looking at the embodiment of all her guilt (namely Sirius and Remus) for weeks on end. Instead all the relief she could feel is overshadowed by an anxious worry for the boy that should have been her godson.

After all that already happened to Harry at Hogwarts should he really be left there all alone? Maybe it would really be better for him to stay at Grimmauld place safely tucked-in? They could protect him there. He can finish Hogwarts later. But wait, he has to be there. He belongs there, she said it herself. Or maybe she could go there. Maybe she could disguise herself and keep an eye on him? Should she bring this up to Dumbledore? Or just do it? But no, Harry will think she doesn't trust him. And Dumbledore would never allow it. Oh, what does she care what Dumbledore thinks when it comes to Harry's safety!?

The thought process has brought her on the brink of madness in less than a week. Her co-workers give her a wide berth as she is seen muttering under her breath as she stalks down the halls of St Mungo's. Trying to keep busy she develops a habit of constant nervous eating. She is rarely without a bag of crisps or cookies and it is starting to show on her skin.

Harry's letter about two weeks into a term is first seen as a blessing. At least she is forced to set aside her bag of gummies to read the letter. She greedily pours over Harry's words on the first reading, smiles softly at second and third, squints suspiciously while reaching for a gummy bear here and there at forth and is nervously showing fistfuls into her mouth trying to decipher Harry's mood on fifth and sixth and umpteenth reading. Something isn't right. She hasn't known Harry that long and he has to partially write in a code for safety reasons but still she feels something isn't right. Or maybe she is just paranoid.

Two days of debating with herself pass before she finally gathers the courage to appear at Number 12 Grimmauld place. And this time she doesn't have the cover of going to the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. She is at Sirius' house. Period.

She decides not to knock. None of the other Order members knock, they all let themselves in quietly, trying not to wake up the hag. Except for Tonks; she can do nothing quietly.

Walking through the quiet house she feels like she is sneaking in uninvited and regrets not knocking. At least then she gets the first meeting over and that's that. As it is she crosses the entry hall somewhat hesitatingly. Who knows what or who lurks in the darkness. She could swear the eyes of the house-elves heads are following her. She fumbles through her pocket for something edible and stuffs a sticky bun into her mouth.

"What are you doing here?" Eva would swear up and down he waited just for that moment to make his presence known. She turns around quickly and can only imagine how she looks like to Sirius, eyes wide as saucers and her cheeks puffed as she tries to swallow the whole bun in one go. He looks on in disbelief as she puts a palm over her mouth for fear of some pieces escaping and swallows quickly. Merlin, she feels sick.

"I- I- I came to talk to you." He is probably the only person in the world that can turn her into a stuttering mess. "About Harry." He raises an eyebrow at her, probably remembering their last attempt at conversation. That one was supposed to be about Harry too. Eva bites her lip uncertainly as he continuous to regard her loftily. "Look, I know you don't want to talk to me or even look at me." At this he averts his eyes and Eva swallows hard. "But could we please talk? For Harry's sake?"

Sirius nods reluctantly but says nothing as he walks downstairs towards the basement kitchen. She figures this is her que to follow him. Polite as ever. When she descends, Sirius is already pouring drinks. She clutches the glass, never one to turn down a drink even as she wonders if it is really a good idea for them to talk over a bottle. But she guesses this is a reminisce of the old days. When things went wrong they turned to alcohol and sex. And things were more wrong than right in those last years of the first war. Then at least they still had their friends to keep them grounded when their toxic relationship wasn't enough. Now, though, all they had left is alcohol.

She sits down in the middle of the long table opposite Sirius and for a few moments they sit there looking at each other in almost tangible tension and Eva realizes this is the first time in fourteen years she is alone with him. There are no distractions, no buffers and no Remus.

His eyes hold no sparkle, his face shows deep lines of anguish and his shoulders are slumped. He is aged way beyond his years. Sadness settles over her like a heavy blanket. She squashes an urge to get up and hold him as tightly as possible and cry until she has cried out her very soul. He would not appreciate it and she doesn't think she could recover from it anyway. She gulps down the firewhisky and tries to get a hold of herself.

You could have prevented this, Marlowe. You could have done something. How could you believe? How could you? No. Enough.

"What about Harry?" She is grateful he breaks the silence. She knows there is only one way to start this conversation if they want to avoid the same outcome that their previous talk has produced. With an apology. Of sorts.

"What I said the other day? It came out all wrong. I didn't mean to accuse you of not taking care of Harry." Sirius still looks at her guardedly and Eva sighs. "Really, I was just worried and scared after all the things Harry told me that happened to him at Hogwarts. And I know you were in no position to do anything about them." His eyes flare up indignantly and she frustratingly realizes she has once again managed to say the wrong thing. She rushes to cut him off as she is certain they will get nowhere fast if he starts yelling at her. "No, listen! I was angry, mostly at Dumbledore and the other Professors and the ministry. They were there, they were supposed to keep Harry safe, they should have made themselves available. Instead he is on his own. He and his friends, children, rushing into danger, saving everybody instead of having fun and pulling pranks and doing homework and worrying about their exams. I just…"

She can feel her airway closing in anxiety. She empties the glass and then looks around for something to latch on. A box of hazelnut pralines is placed a few chairs away and before she knows what she is doing she has summoned the box. As the praline melts in her mouth, her breathing eases. Sirius eyes her weirdly.

"Those are Remus'." She nods absentmindedly and continues to eye the purple box. "They remind me of us. Harry, Ron and Hermione. Roaming the halls at night with James' Invisibility cloak and the Marauders' map, getting in all kinds of trouble."

They remind her of The Marauders too just not in the way Sirius thinks. Marauders were a closed knit group, a sort of brotherhood, that no one had a chance of joining. Not even Lily. They accepted her and Eva too but they were forever to be outsiders. And she sees that with the Trio too. She did not miss an occasional bitter smile on Ginny's lips nor the twins rolling their eyes at Harry, Ron and Hermione whispering among themselves.

None of their adventures remind her of the Marauders though. To her it all seems like running for their lives.

Sirius smiles to himself and she almost lets him live in his delusion.

"He is not James." She says this in a matter-of-fact manner. Hard. Unforgiving. Shows no mercy. "Harry is not James." Someone has to say it and it might as well be her. Mollycoddling has never been in her repertoire.

"I know that!" Sirius jumps on his feet in fury as she has expected him to. She gets up much slowly and looks him in the eye.

"Do you?"

"Of course I know. I was the one that saw James' dead body," he snarls into her face and she nearly buckles under the harsh truth. Merlin, he saw the dead body of his best friend. She closes her eyes to get rid of the picture but she knows it will never go away. And they are still not done. Not done at all.

"Then start acting like it," she whisper-yells through her gritted teeth. "He may look like James but he is not James. He may love Quidditch like him but he is not him. He may have his cloak and his map and his talent for attracting trouble but he is not James. And…" And here she finally looks into her soul too. Self-reflect is a bitch. "He may have Lilly's eyes but he is not her. He may possess her kindness and her empathy but he is not Lily."

She ends in a whisper and sits back down slowly. For merlin knows how long, they sit in deafening silence.

"I forget sometimes," Sirius admits and she is just surprised he hasn't stormed off. "It's not as if I think he is James but I still haven't gotten used to him being gone. I want to tell him something and when I catch a glimpse of Harry and he looks so much like him… I forget for a second there that James is dead." Merlin, what a heartless bitch she is. Of course he forgets. She had fourteen years to get used to Lily being gone and sometimes she still… What time did he have? Twelve years of Azkaban? She doubts time had any meaning there. His grief is still raw. "But I do know. I know that he is not James. He is his own person."

"Even if he is remarkably like them sometimes. The best of both of them." They smile at each other and for the first time since their reunion she feels they are on the same page. "And I want to get to know him. I want to be in his life. So badly."

Sirius nods in agreement.

"Yeah, me too."

"You already are. He trusts you. He comes to you for advice. He loves you."

"Maybe." Sirius gets up and pours them another drink. Eva frowns at his forlorn face.

"What is it?" She stuffs a praline into her mouth.

"Nothing. Just… I can feel him still holding back. Not telling me things he thinks will upset me. He tells me things and he does ask for advice but is sort of detached. I don't know how to explain. Like…"

"Like he doesn't actually say how something makes him feel? Tells you he almost died from a basilisk wound but doesn't say how scared he must have been?"

"Exactly." Sirius eyes her curiously but Eva just sighs.

"I wish Lily was here. She would know what to say to him. I never knew how to deal with emotions. She was good at this."

"Yes, she was. The only person in the world that could make me sob into her robes like a five-year-old."

His chuckle is a mix of affection and pain.

"I think you should tell Harry that." Sirius raises a doubtful eyebrow at her. She has no idea where that insight came from but thinking back on her talks with Harry she suddenly sees the error of her ways. And she would bet Sirius did it too. It was less painful that way. Tell a story but focus only on what happened and what Lily thought on the matter but not what she herself thought. What she felt. How it affected her. And she basically told him nothing about herself, nothing about her background. In hindsight they only ever took a step forward in their bonding when she opened up to him. When things, little things slipped from her lips. Merlin, was she thick. What did she expect from Harry when she herself held everything close to her chest? "Things like that. How she affected you. How they both affected you. I have been doing it too. Leaving myself out of the equation. Not out of the story but just leaving out my motives, my wishes, my fears. And I try to only talk about positive topics, not mentioning the war if I can help it but maybe that's not what Harry needs."

Sirius nods at this.

"I do this too. Try to talk about happier times. And when he asks the harder questions… When he asked about my family… I did tell him how they were but I barely skimmed the surface. I didn't want him to dwell on it. I thought it didn't matter anyway. But I guess he can't really understand the foundation of my friendship with James if I don't explain to him how it started out. And thus he misses out on the large part of his father's life."

"And yours." For a moment she thinks he will deny it but at the end he knows she's right.

"He can't completely trust us if he doesn't really know us, can he?"

"I guess not," she says sadly. She wows to herself to do better in the future, no matter how hard it might be. She remembers then finally what she came here for. "Have you heard from Harry since he went back to Hogwarts?" She doesn't wait for him to answer. Her nervous energy returns and words tumble out of her mouth tripping one over another. "I got his letter two days ago. At first it seemed a normal letter, not really overjoyed but normal. But then I read again and again and again." She jams a few of the pralines into her mouth and continuous not really swallowing. "And the more I read the more it didn't sound right. I think something is wrong. Do you think I should go there to keep an eye at him? What if there is another basilisk? Or a troll? Or dragon? What if there is a dragon at Hogwarts? You know how fond Hagrid is of them! Maybe he should come here. He will be safer here with the Order watching over him."

"I really-" Sirius tries to interject but stops in disbelief as she stuffs another fistful of pralines into her mouth. He can only imagine Remus' reaction when he returns to find the box of his favourite chocolates empty. He thinks about stopping her but there really is no use.

"And what if there is-" She gasps as the thought hits her. She grips the edge of the table and leans forward dramatically. "What if that new professor is Voldemort in disguise?"

"She is not Voldemort in disguise," Sirius finally interjects as her theories are getting more and more inane.

"How do you know? It happened before! With that Quirrell guy!" She fanatically reaches for that box of pralines again only to find it empty. Wasn't that full before?

"Marlowe! Will you stop! You are being totally unreasonable! Voldemort isn't at Hogwarts!"

"What is going on here?" They both jump in surprise as the door to the kitchen slams open and Remus, looking like death has warmed over him, strides in, eyeing them suspiciously. "Are you two at it again? Didn't we talk about this already, Padfoot? Can't you at least try to act civil for Harry's sake?" Remus seems agitated and Eva mentally calculates when the next full moon is due.

"We are being civil, Moony," Sirius complains insulted. "She is just being completely irrational. Thinking that Umbridge is Voldemort in disguise. She is worse than Molly. I got the feeling she wants to lock up Harry somewhere and not leave him out of her sight."

Eva bites her lip, looking down sheepishly. Okay, so maybe she is overacting. But she can't help but worry. And it's not that unreasonable is it? It happened before.

Surprisingly Remus chuckles at that even as she has no idea what is so funny.

"What is so funny?" Sirius seems equally perturbed.

"Oh, it seems our Eva has just discovered her maternal instincts."

"My maternal instincts?" She is very doubtful of this.

"Yes."

"The terrified worry?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure? I knew Harry as a baby and I never got any of this- Maternal instincts?"

"Well, you didn't need to then." He still had his mother back then is left unsaid. Remus' sad smile and the ensuing silence say more than a thousand words.

Is that how Lily felt every second of Harry's life? Terrified to death? Sick with worry?

"I don't think I am cut out for this," she says quietly.

"I think you're doing a good job, Eva. I've seen you with Harry. You two are forming a bond and that's what matters. For everything else you just have to…"

"Man-up?" She supplies mock- helpfully.

"Grow a pair?" Sirius chimes in not about to miss out on messing with Remus.

"Suck it up?"

"Buck up?"

"Put some guts into it?"

"Ha. Ha. You two are so funny. Too bad you can't agree about anything else."

"Uuuu, growly. Is it nearing that time of the month?" she asks mock-sympathetically. They had learned a long time ago not to feel sorry for Remus.

Remus rolls his eyes at them but sits down besides Sirius in defeat. If you can't beat them, join them. Sirius slaps him on the back heartily and pours them all another drink. Some of the tension leaves the room and only now does she realize how rigid her stature has been until Remus joined them.

"You're impossible." They joke around in amicable atmosphere for a while. How didn't she know how much she had missed her friends? Right, it's hard to miss someone if you don't allow yourself to think about them.

"Is everything okay?" Exhausted as he looks Remus still notices her bittersweet smile.

"Yeah. Just… I'm still worried about Harry."

"Umbridge really isn't Voldemort in disguise. She is just a prejudiced ministry controlled… bitch." Remus nods to himself and gulps down his firewhisky. Eva raises her eyebrows at this as Remus is not much for firewhisky nor for using the expletives. Sirius shakes his head so she lets it go.

"Okay, that was sort of farfetched but still… After everything that already happened to him, shouldn't we at least check up on him? His letter really was not all that cheerful."

"I spoke with him a few days ago."

"What? When? Why? How? Why didn't you say anything?" She rounds on Sirius and in return he glares at her.

"I am saying it now. I haven't had a chance to get a word in till now." He might be right but she is not about to admit it.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did he say?"

"I don't have to tell you anything. Especially not when you are using that tone."

Eva is about to jump over the table and wring his neck.

"Will you two stop it. You are giving me a headache. You are worse than a pair of moody teenagers. Sirius, stop antagonising her. Eva, sit back down." They both obey albeit reluctantly.

"We spoke through a firecall a few days ago…"

"What?"

"Sirius, what were you thinking. Fireplaces are being monitored."

"Do you want to hear what we talked about or not?" Remus and Eva quiet down but Remus is still glaring at his friend. Could he be any more reckless? It's Sirius so he probably could.

"He wrote a letter to me too, asking some questions. And I thought it easier to answer in person rather than write it all down."

"Just because you are too lazy to-"

"Anyway. You are right, Harry isn't all that happy. He looked really tired but that isn't all that weird. It's his OWL year after all. You do remember Remus and his OWL induced insanity from fifth year?"

"Hey!"

"I do remember actually. He got very- Possessive about his chocolate."

"I was not possessive. If you didn't-"

"You were saying something about Harry?"

"He has a lot of trouble keeping up with all his homework. And also he has trouble sleeping. A lot of weird dreams that could or could not be connected with Voldemort. He is worried of course. I told him to go to Dumbledore if it gets worse but I don't know if he'll actually do that. Or if this made him feel any better at all." Sirius doesn't seem to have much faith in himself and she can relate. What does any of them know about reassuring a distraught kid. Not even a kid but worse: a teenager.

Not thinking about it, her hand once again searches the box on the table only to come up empty.

"I'm sure you did your best. It probably did him good just to see your face." Remus tries to reassure his friend.

"Didn't you just yell at me for seeing him?" His infuriating smirk only manages to get a sigh from Remus.

"Yes, well I didn't say you should do it again."

"Moving on." As much as Eva enjoys the banter she is also anxious to hear about Harry. And there is nothing to eat.

"He asked about Hagrid, too. I couldn't say much about his whereabouts as you know. I hope he returns quickly though. I think Harry would feel a lot better if Hagrid was at Hogwarts. Less lonely anyway."

"He's lonely?" Eva latches onto the word, her breath quickening as she can feel her heart break. She rubs her palm over her chest to ease her pain. Her Harry. Her boy. Lonely.

"He didn't actually say he is lonely." Sirius seems to regret saying anything at seeing her reaction. He pours her another drink.

"But you thought so? You've seen something to make you think so?" Sirius shrugs as if not really sure how to explain.

"Children are impressionable and there has been a lot of propaganda against Harry over the summer."

"They don't believe Voldemort is dead? They think Harry is making it up? That he's insane like the Daily Prophet is saying?" She doesn't really need an answer to this; she knows how mean the children can be. Sirius shrugs again, an expression of defeat on his face. "Poor kid."

"And Umbridge is only making it worse, denying that Voldemort is back, claiming that the death of the Diggory kid was an accident. Not to mention she is teaching Harry's favourite subject and doesn't let them do any practical work. All they do is read from a book."

"No spell work at Defence against the Dark Arts? How can that be? All Hogwarts subjects consist of practical part and theory? DaDA being the most important of them! Remus!"

"What do you want me to do, Eva?"

"I don't know! Something! You were a professor weren't you? Can't you go and tell her she is a stupid cow?" Remus gives her a look that clearly states what he thinks of her state of mind. "Fine. You don't have to tell her anything. But couldn't you go and teach them on the side anyway? They need to learn. All of them."

"Eva, I can't be seen at Hogwarts. Umbridge hates all half-breeds. She is just waiting for an excuse to get rid of Dumbledore and if he supported a known werewolf that would be grounds for his dismissal. And you don't want a Hogwarts without Dumbledore. He is their best defence. He is Harry's best defence."

Eva rubs her palm over her face hard enough to leave red splotches behind. Merlin, how can life be so unfair? How can kind and reasonable man like Remus Lupin be judged by one night a month? She can remember Lily how she raged and raved about the unfairness of wizarding laws. Eva agreed but she never felt as strongly as Lily. Eva never thought so much about this, never realized the practical repercussions of prohibitions that were stated by law. Lily had insight way beyond her years.

Eva clenches her shaking hands into fists under the table. She doesn't want them to see how it affected her. She doesn't want them to know she hadn't given this a thought for the last fourteen years. You are a cold-hearted bitch, Marlowe.

"So there is nothing we can do? He just has to endure it? Just keep his head down?"

"For the time being," Remus confirms.

"Keeping his head down is not what Harry does best though. Apparently he has already told Umbridge what he thinks of her and her teaching methods. He has served a detention with her every night since his first DaDA class." There is an unmistakable hint of pride in Sirius' voice that Eva might appreciate more if she wasn't so worried.

"Every night?" Okay, so that reminded her more of James than anything else. "No wonder he is behind on homework. What does she make him do in detentions?"

"Apparently just lines. Pretty boring but I can think of worst punishments." Well, the Master of detentions would know.

"Fine. But if that Umbitch-" Both men chuckle at this. "-puts one finger on Harry-"

"She isn't going to hurt him, Eva. She is still a Hogwarts professor however bad one. Corporal punishment has been banned before our time." She does have to reluctantly agree with Remus.

"I guess you're right. Although there are other ways to hurt someone. We shouldn't underestimate the effect her words might have on Harry."

"I think all we can do is show our support. Write him as often as we dare so he knows he is not alone. It can make all the difference in the world reading a few kind words when one feels alone."

Eva can only guess he speaks from experience. Did he save their old letters to draw strength from them when he needed it? Did he find comfort in reading his friends words? Did he feel like Lily is whispering in his ear or hear James' boisterous laugh? All Eva can remember of the old letters is the firewhisky drenched bonfire that almost resulted in her house burning down and her suffocating in her drunken haze.

"I guess we should do what we can. Even if it isn't nearly enough."

"Harry's been through worse. He can take this."

"Yes. But should he?" No one answers.

"You should also stop eating." At this Remus wrenches an empty box of chocolates from her clenched fingers. She looks on wide eyed as she can't remember picking it up. "At least get your own the next time. Merlin, how did you even manage the whole box? Aren't you sick?"

Eva shrugs helplessly.

"I was nervous. I eat when I'm nervous."

Remus growls something unintelligible before throwing the box back on the table and stalking off. Eva looks on in astonishment.

"That time of the month tomorrow," Sirius explains.

"Oh."

"I did warn you those were Remus'." Sirius looks more amused then anything but she can already feel the air getting stiff now that Remus has left them alone.

"I forgot how cranky he can get. Merlin."

After this she figures it's time to leave. They have exhausted the subject of Harry and none of them is ready to tackle anything else. It is all too painful to even think about and Eva is not fooled by this cease of fire. They might have managed to speak civilly. Most of the time. But one wrong word and they will be back to yelling into each other's face and they are both all too aware of this. There are too many unspoken issues laying underneath the surface for them to even begin to resolve anything. She is not sure they ever will. The only thing they both agree on is Harry's wellbeing. As soon as the past comes into play, Eva knows that her own overwhelming guilt might be the death of her. Even being in the room alone with him is a bittersweet kind of torture.

"If something happens to Harry…" She doesn't know how to finish the sentence. Write to me?

"Someone will notify you."

Right.