A/N: I thought I was stalled, but then I had this idea this morning and ran with it. Remember when I said we were close to the end? I don't know if that's true anymore. So really, thank you all for coming on this unplanned, insane, bumpy ride with me!
Bernie Stabler had been having one of her "good days" as her therapist sometimes called it. She thought it was ridiculous because any day where she got to do something she enjoyed had been a good day, treatment or not. But even she had to admit, things overall had been better since she'd been in treatment.
Despite the fact that she still didn't completely trust doctors, her entire outpatient team had been very kind. It was mostly women, something that wasn't common back in the day, and they were all sympathetic to anything she needed or asked for. She'd shared her concerns about not wanting to feel like someone has scooped out her soul, and the doctor explained there are many different types and combinations of medicines they could try until they found one that worked and made Bernie feel like herself. And the doctor had kept that promise.
Truthfully, she loved being back with her family. She loved her son so dearly. She'd always expected to have a house full of children but after the postpartum depression she had when Elliot was born, Joe went and got a vasectomy without telling her (until years later, of course) and that dream wasn't meant to be. But here, with her boy, and his house full of kids, she felt happy. She felt like she belonged. They hadn't talked about what would happen when her six months were up, but she secretly hoped they'd let her stay. She'd have to put up a little bit of a fight of course, just to make sure they didn't think she needed them too badly, but she no longer felt she couldn't breathe here in the city, and she didn't want to miss another minute with her family.
Today, though, was extra special for many reasons. Her little Katie Girl, the granddaughter she had the closest bond with, was having her ninth birthday party. And while Kathleen didn't know it yet, she was supposed to be getting the best birthday present: another sister.
Bernie knew she couldn't talk about it, couldn't tell anyone, but she couldn't wait to meet her other granddaughter. From the minute Olivia handed her the photo in the car, she knew that little one was meant to be her second partner in crime. She would sometimes say all the children's names in order in her head: Maureen, Kathleen, Chelsea, Richard, and Elizabeth. Her five beautiful grandchildren. And today, she'd get to see them all in one place.
"Bernie," Kathy said, stepping into her bedroom doorway. "The party's going to start in about 15 minutes. Elliot's working on getting the grill set up. Do you think you could help me bring out the chips and plates and everything?"
"Sure dear," Bernie said. "I'll be right down."
Bernie sighed as she heard Kathy walking down the steps. It wasn't that Bernie didn't like Kathy. She did. Kathy had been a good first serious girlfriend for her boy. She was kind, smart, and caring. But they were never meant to last. They both had big dreams for their futures that got crushed with one positive pregnancy test. And it was too much for Bernie, because they were repeating the cycle.
She knew deeply that Elliot and Kathy were never meant to be together forever, because she had lived this life already. She thought she loved Joe when she fell into bed with him at 20. She didn't know at the time she was one of four women he was pursuing, but was the only one willing to take things to the bedroom. But when she got pregnant, Joe did the "right thing''." And that "right thing" always made him resent her. It made him angry. It made him punish Elliot when he didn't deserve it, just for being born.
Thankfully, her boy was more compassionate. Though he was scared, he loved the role of being a Dad. Every decision he made was always what was best for his kids. But that came at a sacrifice of never doing anything that made him truly happy. Bernie had never seen him with a woman the way he was when he was with Olivia. Though it'd been brief she could tell he wanted nothing more than to protect her, but knew that if he was the one who needed protection, she'd be right there to provide it. Bonds like that were rare, and she thought she'd felt that once, with a man she'd met years ago. But she was already married to Joe so she never pursued it. Just like she assumed Elliot would never pursue anything with Olivia now.
Bernie went downstairs to help Kathy finish setting up, and impatiently waited for Olivia and Chelsea to show up. When she spotted them coming through the backyard gate, she took in the sight of them, and Olivia's husband behind them. She didn't like the look of him in the photograph and she surely didn't like the look of him now. Elitist. Rude. And something else she just couldn't quite place.
The girls looked lovely, and she could tell the minute Olivia spotted Elliot across the backyard because her face lit up, and when she slid her eyes over to her son, he was wearing an equally bright grin that she hadn't seen since he was a boy.
Bernie saw Chelsea start to pull her mother toward Elliot, but she just couldn't wait to meet her any longer, so she quickened her pace and rushed over to them.
"Oh, Olivia," she said, stepping into their path. "My goodness, don't you look beautiful today. How have you been?"
Olivia looked a little unsettled, probably afraid she'd spill the beans right here in front of the miserable husband. But she'd gotten the speech from Elliot and knew what she could and couldn't do today.
"Oh thank you, Bernie," Olivia responded. "I've been well. How are you? Elliot told me your treatment is almost up. Are you sticking to it?"
"Two more weeks until my status check," she said. "I've been following Warden one and two's orders, but they could stand to lighten up a little."
"Well, you just keep hanging in there," Olivia said.
"And who did you bring with you today?" Bernie asked.
She knew exactly who everyone was, but she figured putting on an act would make things seem less familiar.
"Bernie, this is my husband, Mark," she said, gesturing, and Mark extended his hand to shake. "Mark, this is Elliot's mother Bernie."
"And how do you two know each other?" Mark asked.
What a ridiculous question, Bernie thought to herself. Her son and Olivia had been partners for close to three years. Of course they could have met at any time in that period.
"Oh, we're old gal pals," Bernie said, putting her arm around Olivia's shoulder. "We got back what now, six months?"
"Yes, we do," Olivia laughed.
Mark grimaced at them but Bernie didn't care. In her mind, he didn't belong here anyway.
"And is this that lovely daughter you showed me a picture of the first time we met?" Bernie asked.
She saw Olivia intake a deep breath, probably still scared of her saying the wrong thing, and the little girl clammed up. She remembered when Elliot and Maureen used to be that shy. Both had grown out of it and she was sure Chelsea would too.
"This is my daughter, Chelsea," Olivia said. "Chels, this is Elliot's Mom, Mrs. Stabler."
"Oh, call me Grandma B," she said, not missing Olivia's attempt to cover a cough. "All the kids here do, even Kathy's cousins."
She saw Olivia exhale with the qualifier at the end of the sentence, not making it seem out of the ordinary.
"Hi, Mrs. Grandma B," Chelsea said shyly.
Bernie felt her heart swell when she did call her Grandma. Being called that may only be second to hearing her son call her Mama. When they called her that, she was the person she wanted to be.
"Aren't you just gorgeous, and the spitting image of your mother," Bernie said, winking at Olivia. She'd said it a little louder than she should have, but comparing Chelsea to Olivia may keep away any suspicions that there was more to their visit than just friends coming for a birthday party. Not that anyone else was paying attention to them though. The adults in Kathy's family rarely paid attention to her, or anyone outside their little circle. It's why she'd always hated coming to the family parties Kathy threw. But today, at least there was someone else on the outside to talk to.
"Well, I was supposed to go in the house and get more bottles of soda like 15 minutes ago," Bernie said, making an excuse for herself so the girls could go see Elliot. "I should probably go and do that or Kathy will be wondering what happened. Maybe we can all sit down and talk later?"
"That would be great," Olivia said, as Bernie turned and entered the back door of the house.
She grabbed a few bottles of Coke and went out to arrange them at the drink station Kathy had set up. She could see Chelsea and Olivia talking to Elliot at the grill, and then the husband stalking away to the cooler. Bernie needed more information about him. There was something about him that unsettled her, but she couldn't put her finger on it.
When she saw Elliot and Olivia turn to take Chelsea back to the swingset to meet her sisters, Bernie knew it was her time to strike. The husband had settled himself into a lawn chair, under a tree, away from everyone else, so she decided to go give him some company.
"Mark, was it?" she said, pulling a different folding chair right up next to his.
"Yes," he said, taking a sip of his beer.
"You're probably feeling a little left out not knowing anybody," Bernie said. "Thought I'd be some company to you."
"I'm fine," Mark said. "If you have other things to do for the party."
"Oh not at all," Bernie said, waving her hand like she was waving off invisible responsibilities.
"So tell me about yourself," she said. "What do you do?"
"I'm in finance," he said, not offering up much more.
"Oh, and is that how you met Olivia?" Bernie asked. "Paths cross on a case?"
"No," he said. "We met in college."
"Your daughter is just lovely," Bernie said. "You two had her young?"
"Uh, yeah," Mark said. "Livvy was 19 and I was 23."
"I know all about being a young parent," Bernie said. "I was just 21 when I had Elliot. And he and Kathy were just about 19 when they had their oldest. It's difficult but so rewarding."
"If you say so," Mark muttered into the lip of his beer bottle.
It wasn't hard to tell that Mark didn't really find that much joy in being a father. Bernie could see the marked difference in the way he talked about the girl he thought was his child and the way Elliot referred to any of his own children, including the one he hadn't gotten to raise.
"Do you two ever think about having more?" Bernie asked. "Now that you're a little older and more settled?"
"Oh, never," Mark said. "One is just fine."
Bernie knew they wouldn't ever be able to have their own children, after what Olivia had told her during their conversation, but she had a suspicion the woman wanted more, even if it was through adoption.
"Well, I can imagine it must be difficult, worrying about the wellbeing of your children and your wife doing a dangerous job like she does," Bernie said.
"I don't worry about her," Mark said. "She can handle herself."
"Oh, but you must worry a little," Bernie said. "My husband was on the job for 27 years, and now Elliot too. It takes a toll on you, worrying about the ones you love."
"That job is her priority," Mark said. "She's made her choice, so I choose not to worry about it."
Bernie had half a mind to take off her meticulously painted clog and hit him in the head with it. True, she could tell Olivia was dedicated to her job, but it was a dangerous one. And to just dismiss it like it was something in his way, or insignificant? And in turn dismiss Olivia like she was insignificant? Bernie could feel the rage bubbling inside her, but instead, chose to take a different approach.
"But you must be at least a little worried about what she does all day. I'm that way with Elliot. Oh, I've always been so worried about him doing this job," Bernie said to Mark as she saw Olivia approach them from the corner of her eye. "Sometimes I have dreams that he gets shot and I'm at the hospital running from nurses' station to nurses' station yelling for A-positive blood because he's bleeding out."
"Well, you never have to worry about that Bernie," Olivia said. "I'm A-positive too, so anything dumb he does, they can stick a needle in me and fix it."
Of course, Bernie thought silently. The two partners on the job, and best friends in life, could save each other on the job in more ways than one if they had to.
"You're too kind dear," Bernie said, patting her hand. "I was just asking your husband how he felt about having a loved one on the force. Told him how hard it was to have a husband and now a son doing such a dangerous job."
"Yeah," Olivia said. "And what did you say, Mark?"
"That I don't worry about you because you can take care of yourself," Mark said, sipping on a Miller Lite. "You rarely let anyone help you anyway."
Bernie wanted to clock him again. She saw the way the words registered across Olivia's face, like she'd been slapped because her husband didn't worry about her, that he didn't seem to care.
"Food's ready," Elliot yelled out into the yard, interrupting the conversation. "Grab your children and line up."
The men and boys went dashing for the line and the girls from the swingset started to wander over.
"Do you want to help Chelsea get hers or do you want me to do it?" Olivia asked Mark.
"I'm sure you've got it covered," he said. "I'm not very hungry anyway. How much longer do you think we're going to be here?"
"Mark, we've only been here 20 minutes," Olivia said.
"Well, we made an appearance," he said. "Can't we leave now."
"No," Olivia said. "The whole point of this was to give Chelsea some time to play with kids her age. She doesn't get much of that outside of school with us too busy to take her on playdates."
"Fine," Mark said, leaning back into the chair. "Go get your food."
Again, the pain flashed across Olivia's face. Bernie didn't like the way he talked to her, and she didn't quite understand why she let him talk to her that way. But then again, maybe she did. Bernie had never had the problem of being outspoken with her friends, or her family, or the people she met in the grocery store. But with Joe, the man she vowed to love forever in front of God? Well, she let him get away with all sorts of vile things in the name of love and marriage. And though Olivia was a stronger woman than Bernie, something she knew just by the little bit of time they'd spent together, maybe she felt like, in love, this is what she deserved.
But Bernie knew better. She could already see the size of Olivia's heart and knew she deserved something so much more than this sad excuse for a man sitting in front of her. She also knew her son would treat Olivia right, but would likely never get the chance because he "did his duty." In truth, they both had. Olivia became pregnant young, just like Elliot and Kathy, and married the man who thought he was responsible. What a mess.
She could see Olivia was about to say something else, maybe spit some fire back at Mark for the way he'd been acting, but she knew now wasn't the time to cause a scene, so she intervened again.
"Oh, it looks like Maureen's helping Chelsea get her lunch," Bernie said, pointing in the direction of the food line where Maureen really was holding two plates and helping Chelsea get her lunch. "But maybe you can help me. I'm prone to knocking things over and dropping stuff."
Bernie took Olivia by the hand and led her away from Mark. She knew Olivia knew it was a distraction, and a thinly veiled lie but she didn't care.
"You know just when to bust into a conversation, don't you?" Olivia whispered as they walked arm in arm to the patio.
"I've caused enough commotion in my day, dear," Bernie said. "I can sense it coming, like a storm brewing."
"Well thank you for stopping me," Olivia said. "I just don't understand why he has to be so obstinate with me all the time. Especially in public."
"Maybe, honey, it's time to rethink your situation," Bernie said. She knew it wasn't her place, but she couldn't help it. Maybe Olivia needed some outside encouragement to realize that she didn't need him.
"What do you mean by that?" Olivia asked as they got in the food line.
"I just mean if something or someone isn't making you happy, if it no longer serves a purpose in your life, maybe it's time to rethink keeping it there," Bernie said.
Olivia didn't say anything else, just handed Bernie a paper plate and a napkin, but she was biting her lower lip, much the way Chelsea had been doing earlier when she was nervous. Bernie couldn't be sure, but she hoped she'd gotten through to Olivia. Even if she'd never be with Elliot, she could at least get far far away from this man who did nothing but drain the color from her soul.
"Maybe you'd like to eat with me in the dining room?" Bernie asked Olivia who looked over her shoulder at where Chelsea was spread out on a picnic blanket with Maureen, Kathleen, and Lizzie and Kathy was passing them each Capri Suns from a box.
"She's with family, dear," Bernie said, sensing some apprehension that Olivia was leaving her daughter alone with strangers. "Trust me, her Daddy would never let anything happen to her."
Bernie looked over to Elliot who was still passing burgers and dogs onto people's plates from the grill, but kept looking up every few seconds to take in his girls on the picnic blanket. When Bernie glanced up at Olivia, the woman was watching her son watch his girls too, and she was smiling.
"I'll eat with you on one condition," Olivia said. "You promise to tell me more adorable stories from Elliot's childhood that he doesn't want me to know."
"Oh, sweetheart, I have plenty," Bernie said with a laugh.
They spent about 45 minutes eating and laughing. She told Olivia about Elliot's time in Little League and the summer he thought it would be cool to grow his hair long and get his ear pierced. It was good to see her laugh and Bernie could tell she was enjoying learning more about Elliot's childhood.
When they finally cleaned up and headed back outside to the party, Kathy stopped Olivia to talk, so Bernie wandered over to where Elliot was now playing catch with the boys.
"You having a good day, son," she asked Elliot as he sat in the grass. Apparently they'd been playing some version of hot potato and Elliot was "out."
"I am, Mama," he said.
"Feel good to have all the people you love in one place?" Bernie asked, dropping to the ground next to him.
"It does," he said, with a smile, then his eyes went wide when he realized what he'd just agreed to. "I mean, you know the people I enjoy, like spending time with, all that."
"No, honey," Bernie said. "You meant the people you love. And it's okay. Love is infinite. Your love for one person, or even a few, doesn't negate your love for someone else. You just might love them all in different ways."
"That's kind of what I'm afraid of," Elliot muttered.
"Don't be," Bernie said. "There's nothing wrong with loving people. Especially when you know they really need it. Let yourself be happy, honey. You spend a lot of time making sure other people are happy, but you're allowed to feel it too."
"Thanks, Mama," he said, putting his arm around her shoulder as they watched the game continue.
Bernie looked around the yard, the boys playing, the girls giggling, Kathy's family wine cooler tipsy off in the corner, Olivia and Kathy talking, her boy with his arm around her. Yes, Bernie Stabler was glad she'd gotten arrested nearly six months ago. If taking medicine and completing treatment was the small price she had to pay for all this, for once she felt like it was worth it.
A/N: Bernie Stabler. That's all folks. You know what to do. (Spoiler Alert: Review.)
