Purple robe

The conversations they have in those short periods when he manages to stay awake are mostly civil. Friendly even. Drugged, too. Eva finds it sad, that after all they have been through, the only way for them to talk without dissolving into hurtful screaming match, is for one of them to be high on potions. She tries to not let herself be lulled into a false sense of comradery.

"I'll go make us something to eat."

"Can't you just give me more of that potion? I'm not really hungry."

"Well, I am. And you need to eat. The potion is only for short-term use. You'll soon start to feel sick if you take it much longer."

"I'll probably get sick because of your cooking." She says nothing as there is really nothing to say to dispute that.

###

"You cleaned the room." It's not a question.

"A little." She confesses, staring at the crossword in her lap. "The mould was about to throw a party."

His eyes briefly flicker over the far corner of the room, empty of blankets. Eva dares not to look anywhere in the near vicinity of it. Her crossword is fascinating.

Neither says anything. They both know.

"Rarely used form of transfiguration. Five letters."

###

"Harry wrote."

"He did? What did he say?"

"Nothing much. Hagrid is still missing. Umbitch is still a… bitch. And he begs you- Actually he begs me to convince you not to contact him again your usual way. Floo, I presume?"

Sirius frowns petulantly.

"He doesn't want to see me again?"

"What happened?" She asks with trepidation. Harry's letter hadn't said anything about them fighting but he might not had wanted to tell her. Not to mention the letter was written in code.

"I almost got caught the last time," he admits grudgingly.

"What? Are you insane? What am I saying; of course you are. Do you want to get thrown back into Azkaban?"

"No sense of adventure, the lot of you. If Prongs were here-"

"He'd tell you the exact same thing if your life was at stake. Not to mention his son's safety. Stop your bloody sulking and think of Harry for once! How do you think he feels at the thought of anything happening to you after only just finding his godfather and only knowing you for such sort time? I think he must be terrified. Terrified that he will lose more family than he already has. The only living family member that actually likes him! Do you have any idea how many grand plans he has for the two of you to live like a family? That was one of the first things he ever told me. I think he would even move into this house if only he could live with you." She doesn't say how jealous this makes her (he can hear it in her voice probably) because her jealousy fades in comparison to her heartfelt wish to see Harry happy.

He wants to say something, object probably but Eva is not in the mood so she interrupts him again. Thank god for those potions, making him slow on the uptake, or they would have doubtlessly brought the house down by then.

"And if that's not enough to convince you, just imagine a scenario where you get caught again. It's not that difficult to imagine; if I am informed correctly, you have already been recaptured once, no? And what happened? Harry risked his life to save you after knowing you… for what? Three hours? What if the next time they actually throw you back into Azkaban? What do you think Harry will do then? Sit back and let the adults handle it? No, I didn't think so! And the next time he might not be so lucky! So, just think like his godfather for once and do the sensible thing!"

She finishes her monologue and storms out of the bedroom. Throwing the kitchen door open with a bang makes Kreacher jump in surprise. She pays him no heed, throwing open the first cupboard on her right. She is deterred for a moment by tiny hands around her waist and a joyful scream: Mistress! Before she can recoil, Kreacher catches the sight of her face and scampers off in horror, screaming. Great, she has turned into Walburga Bloody Black.

She searches the cupboard with renewed vigour and pours herself her first firewhiskey in weeks. She bloody deserves it.

Okay, that conversation hadn't really gone great but later when she reluctantly returns to Sirius' room, he has not attempted to murder her and she ticks off that conversation as civil. Mostly.

###

"What's an incantation for transfiguring someone's head into a pumpkin? Eight letters, last one is-"

"Melofors."

###

"I'm sure he has grand plans for the two of you, too." He starts the conversation out of nothing and she has no idea what he is talking about. Eva was just about to take a nap.

"Huh?"

"Harry. You said he has plans for the two of us to live like a family. I am sure he has plans for the two of you, too."

Her smile is almost bitter.

"Thank you for saying this."

"You don't think it's true?"

"No. You are his family. He loves you. I am just a woman who used to know his parents."

"Come on, Marlowe. That's not true. I saw the two of you together, you know? You aren't just some woman to him. Maybe the two of you are not as close as of yet but you have only just met a few months ago."

"And how long did he know you, before he considered you, family?" She challenges, knowing she is only hurting herself.

"If you're referring to the fact that he came to save my live mere three hours after he met me, then I have to disappoint you; he would do that for anyone. He wouldn't leave an innocent person to the dementors no matter who they are. That's just Harry. He is a very good person. And I know if you just give him some time-"

"How long before he started making plans to live with you?" Sirius clamps his mouth shut. But she wants to know. "How long did he know you, Sirius?"

"An hour." This time her smile is bitter and she hates herself for it.

###

"Where's Remus?" He looks around blearily like he just realized his friend is missing.

"Disappeared off the face of the Earth. I told you." She's still cross with Remus.

"Mission?"

"Apparently. Or he is now just too scared to come back."

"You would think that he would sacrifice his well-being to pay a visit to his dear old friend." Sirius almost pouts.

"You would also think someone, anyone from the Order would come see if we are still alive. And bloody feed us." Sirius raises an eyebrow at her irritation. She herself is not really sure what irritates her so much about the Order and its members; it isn't really that they had not fed them. Probably that their primary goal is not to make Harry happy but to win a war, even if they have to sacrifice Harry's happiness for it. And no matter how much she tries to look at it from their perspective, she cannot form an unbiased opinion. "What? I was sick too. And you know I'm crap at cooking."

"The toast was good."

"Thank you. It's my speciality." He snorts and she tries to suppress a smile. Do not get too comfortable, Marlowe.

"I don't think my stomach can handle anything else, anyway."

"Yours can't. Mine could. I think I'm losing weight."

"And this is bad?" He asks this provocatively. But Eva has never been one to raise to a taunt like this one and Sirius knows this perfectly well. At least he used to know.

"Didn't you hear what Molly said? I'm skin and bones."

"Molly is delusional."

"She's a terrific cook, though," she sighs wistfully.

"I can always get Kreacher to cook something for you."

"NO!"

"Okay…?"

"He shrieks in horror every time he sees me now. He mistook me for your mother and hugged me-"

She doesn't finish as Sirius spews his tea all over the bedding. She is lucky her borrowed robe survived.

###

"Did you ever get married? Children?" He's just taken his Pain potion when he asks that. Eva is pretty sure he will not remember that interlude. She gives him a mirthless smile.

"Of course not."

###

"What's wrong with your hair? It looks like it has doubled in size?"

"I don't know. I think it's because I'm not using my regular shampoo. I hope you don't mind; I have been using yours. The green bottle."

"The green bottle. That's not my shampoo. That's been there for ages."

"What? Why didn't you throw it away then?" She inspects a strand of her hair like it's about to bite her. He shrugs.

"It didn't bother me." Eva rolls her eyes. Typical Sirius. That, at least, explains why her hair is starting to resemble that of Mrs Black's nest. And why Kreacher hugged her after seeing a glimpse of here. The robe didn't help.

###

"I dreamed of Johnathan." She never meant to say that.

"Still?"

"I hadn't in a long time. Don't know what brought it on."

"This depressing house?"

"Doesn't help probably. But I had it before. At home."

"While you were ill? Well, the flu does bring the most depressing memories to the surface."

"Maybe." She isn't convinced.

###

"You don't have to be here all the time, you know."

Well, where else is she supposed to go? She doesn't want to wander the empty house herself. She doesn't know if she is more creeped out by the dead house-elves on the wall or the alive one.

"Yes, I do."

###

"A ten-letter word for simultaneous switching of two features."

"Bloody hell, what is this? A Transfiguration pop quiz?"

Eva smirks at him.

"You can just say you don't know. And it's a thematic crossword, the theme being transfiguration. It was never my best subject."

"I didn't say I don't know. You have any letters."

###

"People bond differently. At different pace." This time she knows what he is talking about even without a prelude.

"Sirius, I really didn't say this to make you feel guilty. I am happy that you and Harry are a family. Truly. My bonding with Harry has nothing to do with this. I was just stating facts."

"So am I. And I am stating actual facts. You are just… divining."

"Divining?" She repeats sceptically.

"Yes, divining. You have just divined that Harry won't ever love you or think of you as a family. Based on how I bonded with him. And you haven't taken into account that you and me are very different people. You also haven't thought of the fact that you met Harry under different circumstances. Or, that Harry is different now, too; older, smarter and I am sorry to say, much more cynical."

Okay, so he does have a point, Eva gives him that. She has been blindly comparing them. But there is one thing, he hadn't taken into account and she doesn't want to say it because he will either feel guilty about throwing it into her face more than once or remember what a failure she is and just accuse her again. Sirius was in prison for twelve years so he couldn't take care of Harry and she was free, being a drunk. And no matter how she has justified herself to Harry and no matter if he had gladly, without suspicion, accepted her explanation, she knows it matters. It matters.

"I didn't say he'll never love me. He is a special boy. Loving. And way too forgiving. And we'll talk. He might tell me about his problems. I might have a very wise advice to give. We will laugh together. And he will ask questions about his parents. He loves that. I'll bring cake for his birthday and he will invite me to his party. And we'll have the best time ever. And he will probably even love me. If for no other reason than because I brought his parents almost alive with all of my stories. And then the party will end and I will start helping with clean-up and he will tell me, that I shouldn't do that, that I should just relax and have a firewhiskey as I am after all a guest. Not family." And my heart will break for the millionth time.

Sirius stares at her like he has never seen her before. She looks away from him. Where did that come from? She hadn't realized she thought so strongly.

"Divining." She feels something akin to hope spark in her chest at this. If he, who hates her, doesn't believe this, if he still thinks there is a possibility, then maybe… She is setting herself up for a world of pain. But still… She really doesn't want to be a guest.

###

"Could you lose that robe?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's disturbing."

"It has kind of grown on me."

"That's disturbing."

###

"I'm done with the crossword."

"What's the solution?"

"Remus Lupin, bloody wanker."

"That's kind of long."

"It's werewolf actually but I am changing it and leaving it somewhere for Remus to find. He always used to check my crosswords if I left them out. Like some bloody professor. Just couldn't help himself. I'm sure some things don't change."

"I approve. It's always fun to mess with Moony."

###

"Alright, I'm tired and I would really like to get some sleep tonight." Before the nightmares start. She can only hope they will be less violent now that Sirius is conscious. She only needs to get through this last night. In the morning she hypotheses, that he will be well enough to not need a Dreamless Sleep potion so she could postpone his dose till evening and they could both get a good night's sleep. In an actual bed. "It's time for your potions anyway. And you need your sleep, too."

Sirius complies with minimal fuss and she is grateful. She then performs her bathroom routine, wishes Sirius a good night, turns off the lights and folds herself in her trusted armchair.

All is quiet.

"What are you doing?"

Eva sighs.

"Trying to sleep."

"Here?"

"Where else?"

"In an armchair?"

"It's where I have been sleeping for the last five nights," she tells him exasperatedly.

"You've been sleeping here? All the time?"

"Yes."

"But why? There is a number of perfectly good beds in this house. You could even sleep in my mother's old bedroom as you seem to have some kind of morbid fascination with her."

"I don't have a…" She trails off as there really is no point in fighting him. "You might need something during the night so I will stay here."

"I won't nee-"

"Right now I'm a healer and you're a patient. And you do as I say. No patient recovering from the magical flu should be left alone for the first seven days of the flu. (Hypocrite much?) So I am staying. Now zip-it and let me sleep."

For a minute all is quiet.

"You have a terrible bed-side manner."

In the darkness, Eva allows herself a small smile.


Her sleep is interrupted by whispered voices. Her sleep deprived mind registers this as: voice means nightmare and nightmare means you're up, Marlowe. She doesn't want to open her eyes though. Or move. Still half asleep, she pats around the bed until her palm hits something solid and starts muttering a list of ingredients in Polyjuice potion. For a few moments everything is still and Eva's mind is already happily drifting off.

"What in the name of Merlin was that?"

"Fuck if I know."

She is not sure if it is the sound of different voices or the expletive that makes her eyes pop open into the blinding light of the late morning. She blinks a few times to allow her eyes to adjust. Resisting the temptation to simply close her eyes after another sleepless night (although not as bad as before), she takes an account of her surroundings. Her hand, somewhere between Sirius' neck and shoulder, is resting there like it has a mind of its own and is not even a part of her body. She snatches it away when she is met with Sirius' wide open eyes.

"Oh. You're awake," she mutters dumbly, her voice hoarse from sleep. He only raises his eyebrows at her as if to say, aren't you a smart one.

"Good morning, Eva." The voice startles her as she hadn't noticed the new addition to the room. Her neck twitches painfully as she looks around from her awkward position.

"Well, well. Look who finally graced us with his presence." She mutters darkly, fully aware of her foul mood. She is cranky, sleep deprived and inexplicably angry this fine morning. "The boy who cried wolf."

"Excuse me?" She doesn't care if Remus is genuinely baffled. Or that she is completely tactless. She unfolds herself from her armchair, promising to herself to burn it after that night as her whole body aches from sleeping in it. She stumbles forward lightly as she has lost feeling in her legs but catches her balance before Remus manages to put out a hand to steady her. At her glare he retrieves his hand.

"No, you are not excused. Do you know what a Healer Emergency is? Do you?" She gets into his cringing face. She has waited for days to rail this into him. The speech has gotten rather long in her head. Remus nods wide eyed and is undoubtedly about to apologize most sincerely. But Eva, petulantly, doesn't give him a chance to speak because she is not done yelling as of yet and once he apologizes she will have no reason to unleash her bad temper on anyone. "In case, you don't know, let me enlighten you what an emergency definitely is not. It is not someone having a flu, Lupin. An emergency is when someone's life is in immediate danger! And the next time you call for a Healer Emergency someone better be bleeding on the floor or I will give you a reason to call an emergency. Is that clear?"

Instead of diving into an apology like she expected him, he goes for a different approach.

"Would you have come if I told you the truth?"

She doesn't just explode after this like it might seem to them but takes a millisecond to reflect on the question and lets the sadness of his distrust seep into her consciousness. Then she explodes.

"How dare you? How the hell can you even ask me that? Do you know what it means to be a healer? Do you know what it means to be a human? Do you really think that lowly of me? That I would let someone suffer just because he doesn't like me? That just because we can hardly stand to be in the same room I would just refuse to heal him? Is that really what you think of me Remus?"

At the end all the rage has been used-up and all that's left is sadness. Remus' eyes are wide with horror.

"Oh, Merlin. Eva, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I needed to leave quickly and I thought… I don't know what I thought… I didn't really think it through. I know you wouldn't just leave someone to suffer. I'm sorry."

Remus looks remorseful and desperate and Eva suddenly feels guilty. Why would he expect anything better of her? She has after all disappeared for years and left him to deal with his own pain. He couldn't expect anything better of her.

"No. Stop apologizing. You wouldn't know anything of the sort. You wouldn't know that I wouldn't just left him to die. You went by previous experience as I told you once before. I guess I forgot you know the worst of me."

"Eva, I do know the worst of you." He grips her shoulders so she is forced to look him in the eye and acknowledge his sincerity. "But I also know the best of you. And I should not have forgotten that. I should never forget that. And I won't."

Biting her lower lip, she gives him a small smile. When was the last time someone said something so nice to her?

"Thanks, Remus," she whispers almost shyly. She thinks Remus might hug her then but he just smiles back and then drops his hands back to his sides. And she is so disappointed she almost cries right there and then. She once again realizes how lonely she is, how starved for affection. She has never been one to hug much. Even when she was sad, hugs only made her uncomfortable and unable to relax and she had rather suffered in solitude. She had let Lily hug her sometimes and later on Sirius (even if his hugs were mostly a prelude to something else) but has always shied away from others and they have learned to accept it and not resent her for it. All she wants now, is someone to hold her tightly. To hold the pieces of her together.

She clears her throat and tries to get rid of turmoil in her head as she doesn't want Remus to see what a wreck she is. Even as he must know. He must.

"But seriously, please do not call another emergency just for the sake of it." She hopes he doesn't notice the trouble she has to control the quiver in her voice. "I will always come but I like to brush my teeth and change my clothes and-"

"Put on underwear." Eva has completely forgotten Sirius is even in the room with them. And apparently so has Remus as they both turn towards the bed in surprise.

"What?" Remus laughs disbelievingly.

"Will you stop with that goddamed underwear!"

"You didn't have any underwear on?"

"Of course I had under-"

"Doesn't have any now though."

"Sirius!"

"What? And what's with that robe anyway?"

"Borrowed."

"From my mother's closet. Did you see the hair, Moony?"

"Yes, I did actually. I didn't want to say anything but now that you mention it-"

"Oh, for the love of Merlin. You two are impossible." She could smile at their banter. She could enjoy it. She could revel in it. But her survival instincts tell her to run. She cannot let herself be pulled into this. It doesn't matter if she can feel longing in her very bones. "I'll go make us some tea or something. And breakfast."

"Oh, that reminds me, Molly is downstairs cooking for tonight's Order meeting. She'll probably be happy to whip up some breakfast, too. You know, so you don't… have… to…"

Remus trails off as she stands at the door glaring at him. Okay, so she knows her cooking is horrible and she hates to do it but still… Her irritation has returned full swing.

"Oh, so now my cooking is not up to snuff is it? So, now someone has finally decided to feed us? Where was the Order for the last five days, hm? We could have both died in the mean time!"

"Em, I just…" Remus really has no idea what to say to not provoke her further so he wisely shuts up after his failed attempts. Even this, further annoys Eva. She needs to get out of this house tonight or else she might explode.

"I go back to work tomorrow, Lupin," she declares on a whim. She hasn't written to her boss yet but Healer Aldridge has yet to deny her anything. And she needs to get away. "I will of course come back to bring potions and check-up on Sirius but there is no need for me to be here 24/7." She focuses her attention on Remus and avoids looking at Sirius completely. "He is still on bed rest though and someone will need to feed him."

She keeps glaring at Remus who continues to nod all through her speech. He dares not to disagree. Even his steadfast agreement irritates her, though. She leaves the men in a hoof and slams the door behind her. Half way down the hall she remembers she forgot to give Sirius his potions and turns around if possibly even more agitated. Throwing open the door mere seconds after she had closed it, makes Remus, who has just sat down, jump up in surprise. She does nothing to acknowledge the wand he points at her.

She dryly instructs Sirius as to how to take his potions (first the Caugh potion, a teaspoon of Pain potion, Fever-reducing potion by sips, Anti-sickness only if you need it).

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I am not an invalid. Just go already. That's what you wanted isn't it?" His suddenly bitter tone might have made her think of the reasons for it but right then she has no patience for his inner turmoil. She doesn't think that he might be just as lonely as she is. Doesn't think that he would appreciate any company, even if it's hers. What did he expect her to do? Live at his bedside for another fortnight?

With one last withering glare, she then storms off once again.

"What crawled up her arse?"


Nobody asks about the robe. She gets a lot of raised eyebrows but she is not about to defend herself against raised eyebrows. If they want to know, they should just ask. And if they were to ask, she might not be willing to give them straight answers anyway.

Molly was the first to look at her questionably. But she does not ask about it. She asks about what kind of breakfast she wants, coffee or tea, how is Sirius doing, how is she doing, how they had been coping, if she had heard from Harry, if she fed Buckbeak and a bunch more of all the right questions. But she doesn't ask about the robe.

Eva doesn't necessarily like Molly all the time but she knows that Molly loves Harry and that's enough to endear her to Eva. She has more than once excepted Harry into her house and gave him her motherly love and for that Eva is so grateful she could kiss her. She is also so jealous she could claw her eyes out. It is an irrational urge, that she could never, would never act upon. But it's there, reminding her that while she was being useless, a mother of seven extended her love to another boy. Mostly she is grateful. But maybe it is that repressed piece of her that propels her to not say anything to older woman's curious gaze. She stares back at Molly, waiting for her to say something, a defiant look upon her face. And when Molly asks her something about the upcoming meeting, she feels almost triumphant.

She considers changing before the meeting, which is due later in the evening, but decides against it. If somebody were to ask, she could give valid excuses. To herself she admits it; she has probably lost her bloody mind. And she is irrationally angry with the Order, with Dumbledore, with everyone. She feels nearly vindictive.

She practically flaunts the robe for everybody to see; gets up much more than strictly necessary, turns with enough speed for the robe to billow and caresses the soft purple velvet. Nobody has not noticed it. Nobody asks about the robe.

She has no idea what she hopes to achieve with this. She knows what it looks like for a woman to be in a home of a single man, prancing about in a clearly borrowed robe and nothing but socks on her feet. She knows many in her position would be quick to defend themselves, to explain but Eva dares them to say the words. The glint in her eyes is a mix of angry, teasing and defiant and she dares those stuffy old wizards to ask her, actually ask about the robe. She will not give them the joy of satisfying their burning curiosity.

Sirius makes it to the meeting with the help of his friend. He wanted to hear nothing about missing the meeting and Eva soon decided to save her breath. He is dressed in his dressing gown over a pyjama pants and a t-shirt and after the exertion it took him to get to the kitchen, he is breathing like an eighty-year old chin smoker and looks positively afoul. The Order members ask about his robe though and he tells them about the flu. But not once does he mention Eva was there to heal him and she does not know if he simply does not want to be associated with her or if he has caught on to her act of defiance. Pointless as it is.

She waits then for somebody to ask if she was his healer or something of the sort and she catches many of the eye but still nobody opens their mouth. They wait for one of them to volunteer the information and when they don't, they probably pull their own conclusions. And whatever those are, Eva is not about to defend herself either way. She catches Sirius' eye and she knows he sees right through her.

After a particularly boring and useless meeting in her opinion, she, with Sirius wheezing at her heels and Remus supporting him, catches Dumbledore in the hall.

"How is Harry doing?" That is after all the only thing she is interested in.

"Busy, as far as I can tell, Eva. Busy with teaching his fellow classmates DaDA."

"So they are actually doing it. Okay. And his classes? How is that going? He hasn't got more detentions has he?" Eva feels anxious about those detentions.

"He hasn't gotten in any more detentions no. And his classes are going as well as can be expected. You do remember your OWL year, don't you?"

"Madness. Even for a regular kid." Eva runs a nervous hand through her hair. "Anything else wrong? Does he seem anxious? Depressed?"

"He seems in better spirits than before. It is good, I think that he has found something to occupy his mind. Even if it is illegal under current administration." Dumbledore smiles almost mischievously and Eva doesn't know if she should be relived or worried.

"Has quidditch started yet?" Sirius finally manages to chime in with his own question.

"Practice has started, yes. That's another thing that has gotten Harry in a better mood. That would be my guess at least."

"That kid does love flying. Much like his dad in that manner."

"And his friends? Do they get along? And girls? Does he have a girlfriend? Who?" Dumbledore chuckles at her anxious inquiries.

"Now, Eva, I think that is not a question for a teacher-parent conference but rather for you to ask Harry himself. I believe that's how it goes between children and their parents or guardians."

"But we have to write in codes! And Harry, too. And we can't really talk about anything meaningful. It's just so frustrating!"

"I know and I am sorry, my dear girl but you will just have to wait to talk to Harry at Christmas. Besides, I doubt you can get a fifteen-year old boy to write to you about his girlfriend anyway."

"Aha! So he does have a girlfriend?"

"Sirius, I did not say that at all." And with that Dumbledore says his goodbyes but not before leaning towards Eva with his eyes twinkling madly. "I always was partial to purple myself."

And she notices for the first time the colour of Dumbledore's robes; purple. She has a mad urge to laugh.

After dinner, Eva helps Remus get an exhausted Sirius to his bedroom. They get him to his bed and Eva shakes him awake a few times to get all the potions into his body. She gives him instructions as to how and which potions to take tomorrow but makes sure Remus is listening too as Sirius is already half unconscious.

"Here, that's the Dreamless Sleep potion. It will help you sleep tonight. I'll bring you another tomorrow." It was extremely easy to overdose on Dreamless Sleep potion and she didn't trust him with a whole batch of it in near vicinity. "Okay. I'm going home now. I'll be back to check on you tomorrow in the evening probably."

He mumbles something and Eva is ready to get up when he suddenly grips her wrist. His eyes clear up for a few seconds as they stare at each other. He smirks at her.

"Are you going to wear that robe to every meeting?" Eva bites her lip to hide her smile.

"Probably not. Someone might burst a vein. Besides, I should return it."

"Shame. Keep it though. If you change your mind."

And then he is out like a light and Eva gets up and gathers her stuff. Which means, her medical bag as that's the only thing she brought with her.

"He will sleep through the night. You can go get some rest, too, Remus. Make sure he takes his potions in the morning."

"Thank you, Eva. For everything." He says it with feeling and for a while they look at each other, conveying something they can never put into words. Remus doesn't know but he has an inkling at least how hard it has been for her to stay so close to Sirius when she feels so much guilt. But he also knows, that this same guilt ties them both to him for all eternity. There is no escaping.


Eva breathes a sigh of momentary relief at the sight of her own flat. Her bed, her shampoo, her robes. Her flat. As empty as she has left it. A layer of dust has settled over it but otherwise everything is where she left it.

Well, who would have moved it, Marlowe? You live alone. You have no one. If you died, they would only discover your rotting body after the smell permeated through the walls and your neighbours would be too disgusted by it to continue with their dinner. You are alone. And you should be happy to be a guest at some random birthday party in the future.

She wraps her hands around her body tightly. Merlin, how much she has wanted that hug. But she realizes that Remus holds himself back from her, too. The same way she does it. The same way she doesn't let herself enjoy Sirius' company even when he is in his best mood. Because she knows he can change his tune to his most hurtful in a matter of seconds. And sooner or later he will. And Remus knows she could disappear on him anytime. Literally. Figuratively. Pulled back and reigned in her emotions, hurt him.

Her lungs compress and her stomach clenches painfully. She needs an out for her mounting anxiety and when emptying her stomach isn't enough, she changes her clothes, puts on her make-up, downs a firewhiskey or five and appearates to the seediest club she can think off.

Later, when the drink has dulled her senses and some stranger fucks her against the wall, she holds onto the strong body as hard as she can. But it's not enough. Not nearly enough. It never is.