Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.


Darling are you healing

From all the scars appearing

The Saddest Song I've Got, Annie Lennox

Chapter Twenty – Healing, Part II

where old habits are hard to break, and Severus makes Jane cry – again…

Severus was watching Jane sleep, his eyes moving lovingly over her peaceful features, memorizing every line, every freckle. This is how he wanted to remember her. During the night, he had come to a decision. She wouldn't like what he had to tell her. Hell, he didn't like it, either. But he had no choice. And it wouldn't be easy. She would insist on staying with him, but he had to send her away, while he still could, while he still had his resolve.

His dream had made him realize that as long as he associated with Jane, she was in grave danger. There were Death Eaters still at large, who would gladly take revenge on him and his for bringing down their lord and master. Severus feared for her, and after all that they had been through, he had realized that he'd been the cause for most of her heartache. Severus recalled the hurt in her eyes, when they had fought before, and he didn't want a repetition of the past. This time, he wanted them to part on amicable terms. He desperately needed her to understand that he was doing this for her sake. That he was sending her away for her own good. His own heartache was irrelevant, as long as Jane was safe.

Jane stirred and sighed drowsily. Her eyes opened slowly and found him watching her intently. She had missed waking up next to him and smiled contently.

"Good morning, Severus. How are you feeling?"

For a moment, he studied her thoughtfully, his expression betraying nothing. Jane picked up on his somber mood and propped herself up.

"What is it, Severus?"

He stared into her green eyes and sighed. She deserved to be happy and carefree. He could think of only one way to achieve that. He had to let her go.

His silence worried her. Jane took his hand into hers, but he removed it determinedly.

"Don't…" Severus clenched his teeth. He couldn't bear her touch. Not now, when he was about to send her away, out of his life. "Please… don't."

He drew a deep breath. He didn't quite know how to start. It was more difficult than he imagined.

"Jane," he began quietly, trying to be as gentle as he possibly could, "we have to talk..."

Jane stared at Severus, trying to figure out his intent, but he was as inscrutable as ever. She'd become familiar with his mannerisms in the time they had spent together, and he'd always become this serious when he was about to tell her something unpleasant. She searched his eyes, and something in his earnest gaze took her back to their last ill-fated conversation in that dark deserted corridor at Hogwarts. He was looking at her now just as he had back then, his face as deadpan as ever, only his eyes hinting at his true emotions – uneasiness, worry, guilt.

Severus shifted slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position for his aching body. Jane was confused and worried, and he didn't know how to lessen her fears.

"I appreciate everything you have done for me," he continued quickly, before she disconcerted him further and he lost his resolve. "It… is very flattering…"

However, it already was too late. Her eyes widened as she finally understood his intention. He was going to send her away.

"Don't say it," she whispered fiercely, fighting back the tears that began to well up. She stared at him imploringly. "Please don't say it."

He sighed. "Jane, I…"

She shook her head, not wanting to hear any more. She was tired of going in circles, skirting the issue at hand – their relationship. No, she wouldn't let him do it to her again. Not this time. Not after everything they'd been through.

"Severus, we've had this conversation before and if I remember correctly, you apologized for saying all those cruel things to me back at Hogwarts..."

"Yes, well… I was provoked then and let my emotions get the better of me."

"I… see." Jane's gaze fell to her hands. "I thought we could make a fresh start. I guess I was wrong…" She drew a shuddering breath. "So, where does that leave us?"

Severus sighed. "Jane, don't do this."

"Me?" Jane exclaimed outraged. "You're the one who wants me to leave. I mean, that's what you were going to say, wasn't it?"

"Don't you understand? It's for your own good. Our relationship… it doesn't work."

"And whose fault is that, Severus? Huh? You can't just have a relationship when it's convenient. That's not how it works. You can't just run away every time there is a problem or because you're scared or worried. You have to take the good with the bad… One moment you want me and the next you don't. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

"And how are we this morning?" Hortense Belladonna asked cheerfully as she swept into the room, blissfully unaware of the heated conversation she'd just interrupted.

Severus stared at Jane for a moment longer, before he slowly turned his intense gaze on the Healer. The woman's timing was most inopportune.

Jane scrambled off the bed and quickly slipped on her shoes. "I… I'll go freshen up," she announced and hurried from the room.

"We'll talk later," he called after her, his tone promising her that the conversation was far from over.

---

Jane waited impatiently in the corridor until the Healer left the room.

"How is he?" she asked worriedly.

Healer Belladonna looked at her earnestly. "The prognosis is still guarded. Our pain-relieving potions are only mildly effective, and the constant pain Mr. Snape is experiencing is detrimental to his convalescence."

Jane crossed her arms, fighting back the tears. She had hoped his recovery was a good sign. Apparently, she had been mistaken.

"Is there nothing that can be done?" she asked dejectedly.

"Well," the Healer admitted, "at the moment all we can do is treat his symptoms. A combination of different pain-relieving potions may be a solution. Mr. Snape has given me some ideas, which I would like to explore. He is a Potions master, is he not?"

Jane nodded proudly. "The very best."

"Yes, well…" Healer Belladonna hesitated briefly.

"There's more, isn't there?" Jane asked worriedly. "What is it?"

"Unfortunately, the pain isn't our only concern…"

"What do you mean?"

The Healer sighed. "Well, at the moment, Mr. Snape's mobility is still rather limited..."

Jane stared at the woman in front of her, her eyes wide with shock. "You mean he is paralyzed?"

"Well, no, of course not. As you know, he can move… albeit only a little."

The Healer shifted uncomfortably and looked longingly down the corridor, where she knew her cozy office was located. How she yearned to be there right now. But the young witch standing in front of her already was worried enough. She didn't want to add to her sorrow.

"Maybe you'd rather talk to Mr. Snape about this?" she suggested hopefully.

"He wouldn't tell me," Jane informed her sadly. "You and I, we both know that."

"Alright." Healer Belladonna gave in. "The pain he is experiencing could indicate permanent tissue damage. However, it may also be a good sign. It gives us some hope…"

"It does?"

"Well, as long as there is sensation in his body, there is a good chance that his muscles and limbs will heal and regenerate. We all are hoping that his body is simply taking its time to recover from the after-effects of the Killing Curse." She patted Jane on the shoulder. "After all, his mental capacities don't seem to have suffered… at least, I assume… erm, I mean… I take it he has always been this… erm, acerbic?"

Jane nodded noncommittally.

"Ah, I see. Yes, well…" Healer Belladonna broke off, wondering – not for the first time – how someone like this lovely woman in front of her could care so much for an odious man like Snape. Over the years, she had dealt with her share of difficult patients, but never one so contrary and ornery as the man behind that door. She cleared her throat.

"Anyway, this gives us hope that his body will also recover completely. But for now, my prognosis is still rather guarded."

Jane nodded, and watched the Healer hurry off. She remained rooted where she was, her mind working furiously. Was that what Severus had wanted to talk to her about? She'd had the distinct feeling that he was going to send her away again. But could she have been wrong? Was he afraid she would leave him, once she found out the truth about his health? Could he be ashamed of being weak and sick? Well, she thought, she hoped he had a better reason than that, because this one wouldn't fly. Healer Belladonna had shared her diagnosis with him only moments ago. No, something had happened during the night that had changed his mind. Her eyes began to water. Some time during the night, Severus had decided that he didn't want her, anymore. If that truly was the case, she wanted him to look into her eyes when he told her.

Her chin came up. No, she wouldn't simply give up. She would fight.

---

Sitting in his bed, Severus stared at the ceiling, trying to come to terms with what the Healer had told him. He might not recover completely – if, at all. It was a concept he had trouble accepting. He had always risked his life, had faced death and had been ready for it. Never, though, had he considered the possibility of spending the rest of his life as a cripple. A wreck like Lupin…

Severus looked expectantly towards the door. Jane would come back any minute now, determined to make him change his mind. He sighed. Jane was young and loving, kind and gentle. So full of life and passionate in everything she did. He was the exact opposite – old and tired, selfish and cold. She deserved marriage and children – things he could not give her. He had heard hushed voices outside his door after Hortense Belladonna had left him. It was very likely that Jane had intercepted her and inquired after his condition. No doubt, the Healer would have told her what she had told him.

He groaned. Severus had seen the pain in Jane's eyes, as well as her mutinous expression before she'd left the room. She had been gearing up to fight him then. Now, Jane would definitely refuse to leave him. Other women, if given the opportunity, would gladly leave, but not his Jane. Severus wondered how long she would be able to bear his company. Living with him would bring her down eventually, whether he was crippled or not. No, he could not let her waste her life on him. His conscience wouldn't let him. Besides, he would never be able to live with her pity.

Yes, she would see reason once he laid out his argument, Severus rationalized, trying to convince himself. She simply had to. Jane would not be able to contest the logic behind his actions. His eyes wandered towards the door again, and he frowned. Jane should have returned by now. He wondered what was keeping her.

---

"I have been thinking, Severus," Jane announced as soon as she came through the door. She was ready to fight for him and unwilling to give an inch. "You will need a quiet and relaxing environment to recuperate. I've made plans to spend the summer at Fenton Hall, and you will come with me."

"Jane…" he greeted her wearily, but she shook her head and raised her hand, indicating that she wasn't finished.

"I won't take no for an answer. As soon as the Healers deem you well enough to travel, we're transferring you to Fenton Hall. There will be plenty of house-elves to see to your needs, and I'll be there to keep you company."

She looked at him expectantly, and Severus briefly closed his eyes, shutting out the hopeful glint in her pleading eyes.

"Is this how you see us?" he asked her quietly. "Settling down to a life of domestic bliss?"

"Sure. Why not? What's wrong with that notion?"

"Jane, if you truly knew me, you would realize that I am not the domestic type and never will be."

"It would do you good to try it, Severus." Jane wasn't ready to back down. "The war is over now. You don't have to live in secret or risk your life, anymore. You can begin to heal now – and not just from your physical injuries. You could do with a little monotony. Severus, I'm not proposing marriage, but we need to spend some time together away from Hogwarts and prying eyes, away from the Order and the Ministry. It's the only way to get to know each other better before we make any decisions about our relationship."

Severus sighed. It was obvious, she was trying to persuade him to change his mind, but he had to stay strong.

"I don't want to hurt you, Jane."

"Well, you are," Jane countered bluntly. She was through tiptoeing around him and trying to spare his feelings. "It breaks my heart when you say you don't want me."

"If we stayed together, I would hurt you even more."

"You're being unreasonable, Severus."

"I am not," he said tersely.

"But you're talking nonsense!"

"I am making perfect sense."

"You're not! Are you even listening to yourself? You sound like a madman!"

She studied him, concerned. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously as a thought occurred to her. "Are you sure you're feeling alright? The fever hasn't returned, has it?"

He stared at her furiously and ground his teeth. "I am perfectly lucid."

Jane shook her head. "Maybe it's all those potions you've been forced to drink…"

"No," he interrupted her, frustrated with the way this conversation was heading.

"But you're not making any sense," Jane insisted. "Just yesterday…"

"I have changed my mind since then," he cut her off curtly.

"Why?" she asked gently. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened," he ground out. "I just had some time to think and…"

Severus broke off and studied a crack in the ceiling while he collected himself. His plans for talking rationally to Jane had gone up in smoke the minute she had reentered his room and gone into the offensive. It was time he did the same. Jane would never leave him, unless he was brutally blunt.

"I cannot give you what you ask of me, Jane," he finally told her decidedly.

"Is it so difficult to put your trust in me?" she asked him softly. "Is it so hard to admit that you love me?"

He looked at her dispassionately. "I don't love you," he told her tersely.

Jane stared at him for a while, searching his eyes for a sign of truth.

"You're lying," she finally determined. "Why do you keep doing that? What are you still afraid of?"

"I am not afraid of anything," he lied boldly.

"Why won't you try the truth for a change, Severus?"

He did not answer her.

"Severus, please," Jane pleaded with him. He was unwilling to confide in her, and it upset her. "Tell me what's bothering you."

He remained silent.

"You're doing it again, Severus," she cried angrily. "You're shutting me out again. Why? Tell me the truth, damn it!"

Finally, Severus faced her.

"I have said everything there is to say." His voice dripped with icy indifference.

Jane stared down at him for a moment, taking in his drawn features, and decided to make one last attempt to appeal to him.

"You once said I made you happy, Severus," she reminded him gently.

He did not meet her gaze, but stared stubbornly at the wall. His withdrawn demeanor told her everything she needed to know. Jane drew a shuddering breath, struggling for control.

"Apparently, that is no longer the case," she realized sadly.

He had done it. He had succeeded. Well, if Severus wanted to be free of her, he would be. There wasn't any fight left in her. With all the dignity she could muster, Jane stood and headed for the door. Just before she reached it, she turned to him once more.

"I hope you will find her – the woman who will ease your torment and bring you happiness. I hoped it would be me, but I see now that I was wrong. Good-bye, Severus."

---

Remus entered the room without knocking. He had a bone to pick with Severus, and there was no time for civility.

"Lupin." Severus acknowledged him disdainfully. "To what do I owe the… pleasure?"

"I have just left Jane," Remus announced without preamble. "She is in quite a state."

"Did she ask you to come?" Severus asked coldly.

"No," Remus answered simply. "We both know that she's too proud to have someone else fight her battles for her."

He recalled her sobbing uncontrollably against his shoulder, cursing and lamenting Severus in the same breath. She would be furious with him, if she knew he was here, but he was willing to take his chances. He didn't want to see his friend hurt, anymore. Ignoring Severus' dark scowl and, without waiting for an invitation to take a seat, Remus limped to the armchair by the bed and sank into it.

"I… see." Severus appeared unmoved.

"Is that all you have to say?" Remus stared at him in disbelief. "Do you enjoy playing with her emotions? Do you take pleasure in hurting her?"

Severus winced, but quickly composed himself. "You're talking about things you know nothing about, Lupin."

"Am I?" Remus feigned ignorance. "And here I thought that you were intentionally driving away the only person who ever gave a damn about you – Dumbledore excluded, of course."

Severus' eyes bored into his, flashing furiously.

"I have come to talk some sense into you, Severus. God knows, you need it."

"I don't need it. I don't need anything or anyone."

"Don't you?" Remus mocked. "Have you looked at yourself lately? Jane told me of your… condition. You might have to depend on the kindness of others for quite some time…"

A muscle in Severus' face began to twitch uncontrollably. He was fighting for control and quickly losing the battle. If only Lupin would leave soon. He didn't want to break down in front of his old nemesis. To his consternation, however, Lupin gave no indication of wanting to leave.

"If only Jane could see you now," Remus mused aloud, having noticed Severus' disconcerted reaction. "She should count herself lucky to have escaped you."

"How dare you?" Severus hissed, no longer able to maintain his composure.

"What do you care?" Remus goaded him on. "You no longer want her in your life…"

"I am protecting her!"

Severus snapped his mouth shut and stared at Remus, shocked and embarrassed by his admission, and an awkward silence fell over the room.

"You were pushing her away to keep her safe?" Remus finally spoke up.

"As you can see, I am in no condition to protect her," Severus explained slowly. "There are Death Eaters still at large, and I am a logical target. So is Jane. It's only a matter of time until she gets hurt because of me. It's too dangerous. I'm not willing to take that risk. Besides, given my current… situation… I would only be a burden to her. I will not have her pity."

"So, you simply decided to end it all."

Severus nodded curtly. He had no desire to rehash all the details.

"Doesn't Jane get a say in this?" Remus asked him softly.

Severus looked at him stony-faced. "Not this time."

"But you will talk to her? Explain everything? Tell her the truth?"

"Yes… I mean, no," Severus answered disconcertedly. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "There is nothing more to say."

"I see," Remus said quietly. He studied his cane, wondering briefly whether Jane would forgive him, if he beat some sense into her lover.

"Oh, don't be so sanctimonious, Lupin!" Severus spat viciously, struggling to hide his pain. "Don't tell me you haven't thought of courting Jane yourself! Well, here is your big chance. I hope the two of you will be very happy together."

Remus fixed him with a stern gaze. "I love Jane…" He noticed the angry hurt that flashed in Severus' eyes and raised an eyebrow. Maybe there was still some hope. "…as a friend," he continued calmly, "nothing more. Dora was the only woman I've ever truly loved. There will never be another."

Severus stared at the man sitting by his bed and frowned. He understood Lupin's sentiments. There would never be another woman for him after Jane.

"Yes, well…"

"You are a bloody fool!" Remus suddenly exploded, unable to hold his tongue any longer.

"Would you care to repeat that?" Severus asked with forced calm. His low voice carried a dangerous undertone.

"I've never thought much of you, Severus, but I've always considered you a reasonably intelligent man. However, I have revised my opinion of you. Now, I believe you to be a complete idiot. There is a woman out there who loves you!" Remus exclaimed painfully. "A woman who is alive and well! And, yet, you're denying yourself the chance to be happy… because you're afraid. I call that idiocy. Heaven knows, even you deserve to be happy, but you are a fool, Severus. If I were in your place, I would grab hold of Jane and never let go of her again."

Severus inhaled sharply, but did not speak.

"Dora's dead." Remus stood, ready to take his leave. He wobbled slightly from the sudden movement and leaned heavily on his cane to steady himself. "She was taken from me, and I… I've come to accept that I'll never hold her in my arms again…" He fixed Severus with a stern look. "…but I could never accept, never forgive myself, if I'd lost her, simply because I was scared."

Remus waited for an indication that his words had had any impact on the man on the bed, but Severus did not meet his gaze.

"Look, Severus…" Remus finally sighed, something akin to pity in his eyes. "It's obvious that you care for Jane. And Jane loves you. For some reason I still need to understand, she believes in you. She sees something, someone, beyond that hard and cold façade of yours that she considers worth loving. Which makes me wonder – how can you willingly deny yourself what you long for the most?"

Severus ground his teeth. "That is none of your business," he bit out.

"I feel sorry for you, Severus." Remus smiled sadly and limped towards the door.

"That is your prerogative."

---

In the darkness of his room at St. Mungo's, Severus lay awake that night, unable to find rest. Try as he might, sleep kept eluding him, and he kept tossing and turning in his bed. The pain in his body finally had receded to a dull throbbing ache, thanks to a new concoction Hortense Belladonna had poured down his throat earlier that evening. No, the pain didn't bother him. It was Jane. He already missed her terribly. But she wasn't here now, and it was his doing. His alone. Severus stared at the ceiling, unseeing. You once said I made you happy. Jane's voice had been thick with emotion, unable to hide her heartache.

Lupin's words kept reverberating in his mind. I feel sorry for you, Severus. He snorted. The nerve of the man! Lupin was the one to be pitied. He was poor, weak, and alone – an outcast of society. Severus frowned as an unpleasant realization hit him. So was he. The thought that he was being reduced to the same level as Remus Lupin was greatly disconcerting. Even you deserve to be happy. He had been happy – as happy as circumstances allowed. Jane's face appeared before him. Jane loves you. She sees something, someone, beyond that hard and cold façade of yours that she considers worth loving. Yes, Jane had told him often enough. He had heard her, but he had never listened. I could never accept, never forgive myself, if I'd lost her, simply because I was scared. Could Lupin have been right? Had he panicked and let his emotions cloud his judgment? Jane had proved herself to be a powerful witch. She had stood up to Voldemort and lived to tell the tale. She would not hide away, knowing there were Death Eaters after her. Moreover, she wouldn't let fear or sickness come between her and someone she loved. She was a capable woman, a survivor.

If I were in your place, I would grab hold of Jane and never let go of her again...

Lupin had been right. He was a fool.

There is a woman out there who loves you! How can you willingly deny yourself what you long for the most? Even you deserve to be happy.

Severus closed his eyes. He didn't want to think, anymore.


Lost and Found © 2006 by MMHG