Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his friends (and enemies) are the brain-child of J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. Exclusive ownership belongs to JKR, Arthur A. Levine Books and Scholastic Inc. Jane Sinclair and all additional characters belong to me. You belong to yourself.


Spending my time

Watching the days go by

Feeling so small

I stare at the wall

Hoping that you think of me too

Spending My Time, Roxette

Chapter Twenty-Two – Home Sweet Home

where Jane and Severus adjust to life at home, and Severus makes an important discovery…

Jane turned on her heels, scanning her bedroom one last time for any forgotten items. Her eyes moved lovingly over the meager furnishings and the few paintings adorning the otherwise bare walls. Out of habit, she hadn't made herself too comfortable, hadn't decorated her rooms to her taste. In the past, she had moved too often to become truly settled in one place. However, she had to admit that her quarters here at Hogwarts had been her home for almost a year, and she had felt safe and happy here. They had been her sanctuary when she'd felt overwhelmed by her new responsibilities, or when she'd spent a particularly trying lesson with Severus.

Yes, she had felt at home here, but tonight she would sleep in her bed at Fenton Hall. Jane had great plans for the house she had grown up in, and she couldn't wait to get started. She closed the last of her trunks, amazed, yet again, at how much stuff she had accumulated over the course of one school year. Just then, a knock sounded at the door.

"Come in," she invited.

The door opened and Remus limped inside.

"Jane," he greeted her cheerfully. "I'm so glad to have caught you before you left."

She moved to hug him. "I'm glad, too. How are you?"

He held her close and rubbed one hand over her back. "Alright… As well as can be expected."

Jane nodded and stepped back. "Good."

Remus let go of her and surveyed her luggage. "I wish you would stay. Severus needs you."

Jane sighed. "I need to get away for a while and figure out why I keep letting him do this to me."

"It's because you love him," Remus told her quietly. "And because you know that he doesn't know any better."

She quickly dabbed away a few errant tears.

"He does love you, you know," he insisted, locking eyes with her.

"He said he didn't," Jane confided, sniffling delicately, "but I knew he was lying. I've wondered many times, but deep down… I knew."

"Severus is a man of actions, not of words," Remus reminded her. "Moreover, he doesn't know how to share himself with someone…"

Jane nodded. "I've come to realize that. It took me a while, though."

"I still can't understand what you see in him, but, then again, I never understood what Tonks ever saw in me, either…"

"She saw what I see – a kind and gentle man," Jane told him. "A good friend and confidant."

Remus blushed slightly and cleared his throat. "Yes, um… well, don't you worry now. Severus and I… we've had a… chat. I know that his feelings for you are true – if somewhat misguided. He'll sort out his emotions and come to his senses. Just give him time."

Jane didn't answer. She didn't want to think about Severus right now. Instead, she moved to hug Remus once more.

"My offer still stands," she whispered in his ear. "Come and visit. You will be more than welcome."

He grunted noncommittally, and Jane stepped back, keeping one hand comfortingly on his arm. She searched his face and fixed his gaze. "The doors of Fenton Hall will always be open to you."

Remus took her hand in his and nodded gratefully. "I need some solitude. I've talked to Minerva. She's allowed me to stay here over the summer."

"I'll see you in September, then?"

"I don't expect to be anywhere else."

Jane nodded and walked away. Before she reached the door, however, she turned around once more. "Remus, if you see Severus again, tell him I won't wait forever. Not even for him."

---

Severus stood on the weed-covered gravel path leading up to his house and looked around. In the harsh light of day, Spinner's End looked even more dilapidated and neglected than it ever had. Mortar was crumbling in large patches from the brick walls, and the paint on the weathered window shutters was cracked and peeling from the wood. He had never put any effort into his garden, and after yet another year at Hogwarts, it was positively wild.

He sighed. Spinner's End had never been an inviting place, but it had never bothered him before – until now. His house had never been more than a dwelling place, where he would spend his time away from Hogwarts and between missions. It wasn't a home and utterly unsuitable for his convalescence, but he required the solitude after the many weeks at St. Mungo's. His time in the Wizarding hospital had dragged on mercilessly, and he'd gotten sick of the constant attention and human contact. The only attention he craved was Jane's, but she was out of his life. Since she had gone, he'd had a lot of time to think about their parting, and he'd come to realize that – once again – he had behaved irrationally. It must have been the after-effects of the Killing Curse, or, as Jane had suggested, the potions he had been forced to drink.

Lupin had been right. He had behaved like an idiot. Severus grimaced as he thought of his former enemy. Over the last few weeks, Lupin and he had established a certain rapport – not friendship exactly, but rather a truce and mutual tolerance of each other's company. After the news of Jane's departure reached Molly, she had refused to visit him again until he'd made up with her friend. Lupin had been the only one who kept visiting, stubbornly ignoring his rants and refusals to see him. Severus suspected that Lupin felt some strange kinship to him now that they both had lost the women they loved, each in his own way. Lupin probably still hoped that he could make him see sense, but he'd never mentioned Jane to Severus again. Instead, he had talked of the Order's and Ministry's efforts to round up fugitive Death Eaters and other Voldemort supporters, who had retreated back into their dark hiding holes from whence they had sprung. By all appearances, life in the Wizarding world seemed to return to normal.

A normal life, he mused. Jane had offered him that. She had asked nothing of him, simply offered to keep him company during his convalescence. No, Jane had made no demands. Indeed, she had generously opened her home to him and offered it to him with all its comforts at his disposal. She had been right – they didn't really know each other. They knew how to deal with each other and please each other physically, but they didn't know much beyond that. They had never truly talked about their pasts – hell, he didn't even know exactly how Jane had survived her banishment. He recalled certain statements she had made and hints she had dropped, but she had never told him the entire story. Nor had he ever divulged his past to her. She knew nothing of his life, except for what she'd heard from others. And yet, she had accepted him without question. Maybe they knew enough of each other, after all. Still, they had never spent an entire day alone together. Hogwarts, for all its secret passages and secluded spots, was not a very private place. In addition to its myriad of gossip-mongering portraits, the school was overrun with students and nosy ghosts, who kept popping up at the most inopportune times.

Severus grimaced again and leaned more heavily onto his crutch. His muscles had begun to cramp painfully after the long period of immobility, but he remained standing in his yard, unable to set foot into his cold uninviting house, and contemplated his monotonous colorless life now that Jane was gone from it.

---

Jane awoke to the joyful chirping of birds. Warm sunlight shone into her bedroom, promising another beautiful summer day. Grumbling loudly, she stuffed her head under the pillow and tried to go back to sleep. She had been up late, removing the last of the unwanted family portraits from the stairwell and gallery. She had banished all but three portraits to a remote dusty storage room in the far recesses of the attic. Two of the three paintings she had kept were of her grandfather, who had been the only member of her family ever to behave warmly towards her. The third one was of her as an eight-year-old, dressed in a frilly overdone party dress, clutching a black kitten to her chest. Jane had never liked the way her mother had dressed her, but the cat had been her dearest childhood friend.

Having purged her mind of the last unpleasant memories that had plagued her from the moment she'd set foot in Fenton Hall, Jane had finally found peace. Last night had been the first in weeks, when her sleep had been uninterrupted and deep. Jane pulled the pillow off her head and flopped onto her back. Time was passing quickly, she thought as she stared at the ceiling. Already, the summer was almost over, and the new school year would start in less than a month. And she still hadn't heard from Severus. Could it have been that he had been serious? Did she really know him so little that she had misread him completely? Had she been so utterly mistaken in him? Over the last weeks, Jane had replayed their conversation a million times in her mind, wondering if she should have said or done something differently to persuade him differently. Maybe she could have been more insistent, more persuasive? Maybe she should have insisted on staying with him and set up camp outside his door at St. Mungo's? Or maybe, she should have been more passionate and kissed some sense into him? Jane huffed. Would have, could have, should have. What was done was done.

Fortunately, Fenton Hall had proved to be an excellent outlet for her frustrations. She had found a purpose and renewed energy in transforming Fenton Hall from the cold stuffy ancestral house she grew up in to a warm cozy home she could be happy in. Jane was particularly proud of the library. It had taken the most work, but it had been worth the trouble. Like the rest of the house, the library, uninhabited for many years, had become a breeding ground for a variety of household pests. Underneath the sofa and settee, she had encountered a colony of aggressive dust bunnies that would nip at her feet whenever she came close. Doxies and Cornish pixies had infested the heavy velvet draperies, and it had taken two laborious afternoons to get rid of each and every one of the pesky critters and all of their nests. In one of the window benches, Jane had discovered a particularly tenacious boggart that had proved to be quite a challenge. The secret passage behind one of the bookcases had been overrun with rats and spiders the size of cats. Thinking back still sent shudders of terror own her spine, and Jane wrapped her coverlet protectively around her. But now, the library was the coziest and most inviting room in the entire house.

Fortunately, most of the other rooms had needed not much more than a thorough cleaning and minor renovations. Several of the original paintings would not be removed from the walls, and the ones she couldn't cut out of their frames, she simply covered with tapestries or other prints she had bought in London. Jane had been determined that she would not let the past haunt her any longer. Yes, it had been a lot of work, but it had helped her keep her mind off Severus – at least, while she was awake. He still haunted her dreams, though.

Jane sat up and stretched. Almost immediately a loud pop sounded in the room, and one of the Fenton house-elves materialized, balancing a breakfast tray on her spindly arms.

"Breakfast, Miss," she announced cheerfully.

Jane threw back the covers and jumped out of bed. She relieved the tiny house-elf of the tray and set it on a nearby table.

"Thank you, Pinky."

Jane poured herself a cup of tea and noticed that the house-elf was shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. The pink bow holding three lonely strands of hair together sat askew on the top of her head. Her face was scrunched up, causing it to wrinkle even more than usual.

"What is it, Pinky?"

"Clara Fenton, miss," the tiny house-elf squeaked embarrassedly. "The other house-elves asked Pinky to speak to you…"

Jane frowned worriedly. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Oh no, miss," Pinky exclaimed quickly. "Pinky just wanted to tell you how happy we all are now that Clara Fenton is back. You treat Pinky and the other house-elves kindly. You are a good mistress, yes, you are. The house is beautiful again, and it's all because of you, miss. We are honored to serve you, Clara Fenton, miss."

With that she quickly popped out of the room, leaving Jane to digest the unexpected praise.

---

"You cannot go on like this, Severus."

Severus shot the man sitting across from him an icy glare. Lupin had managed to invade his solitude and refused to leave. Now he was sitting in the threadbare armchair, determinedly ignoring his bleak surroundings and his host's inhospitable attitude. Lupin was looking at him, his eyes expressing concern.

"I am fine."

Not for the first time since his arrival at Spinner's End did Remus examine the man resting on the old worn sofa across from him. Severus looked rather tired, his face paler and more drawn than usual. The circles under his eyes were still as dark and pronounced as they had been during his time in St. Mungo's. Remus was glad he had come when he did.

"Look, you are here all by yourself…"

"I prefer it this way," Severus interrupted impatiently, although his voice had lost much of its usual cutting tone.

"It's obvious your health hasn't improved as it should," Remus continued calmly. "You need someone to take care of you."

"I can manage perfectly well by myself."

"Ah, yes," Remus mocked, looking pointedly at numerous books and papers strewn about the tiny sitting room. "I can see that."

The man on the sofa scoffed, but did not respond.

"You are wallowing, Severus, and it doesn't become you."

"What do you know about wallowing, Lupin?" Severus asked tersely.

Remus met his eyes levelly. "Enough."

Severus huffed again and turned his head to stare out the window. He had been doing a lot of it lately, so much even that, in the end, he no longer saw the wilderness that once was his garden, but the carefully landscaped grounds of a country estate. He had never been to Fenton Hall, but a small voice in the deep recesses of his mind kept assuring him that it was Jane's home he was seeing.

"You're thinking of Jane, aren't you?"

"And if I were?" Severus asked quietly, still looking out the window.

"Go to her," Remus urged him. "She won't turn you away."

Severus slowly turned his head. "Do you really think so?"

"I know so."

"So, you have spoken to her?"

Remus nodded. "I saw her off at Hogwarts. She is convinced you were lying when you told her that you didn't want her, and she is still hopeful that you'll see reason. Go to her, Severus. There is nothing to hold you back, anymore." He broke off and fixed him with a stern look. "Except, of course, your health."

Severus stared back unperturbed. "Why are you so intent on getting us to reconcile?"

"Because," Remus shot back exasperated, "I am sick of watching you go on denying what is so obvious to the rest of the world…" He broke off when he noticed Severus raise an inquiring eyebrow and sighed. "…that you are prefect for each other. When will you finally admit it to yourself?"

"There is more to a relationship than passion," Severus said decidedly.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Of course, there is. I'm glad you've finally realized that. Jane and I had our doubts, you know, given your recent… behavior."

"I am flattered by your faith in me."

"Well, can you blame us, Severus? Until now, your relationship with Jane was based on nothing but passion. You yourself refused any opportunity to change that."

"I had my reasons," Severus insisted stubbornly.

"Yes, some reasons," Remus scoffed. "Look, I've told you back at St. Mungo's what I thought of your reasons – don't make me repeat myself."

Severus grimaced. "Yes, I'd rather not have you call me an idiot again," he drawled arrogantly.

---

Jane stretched languidly, allowing him access to her body. It had been ages since Severus had made love to her, and she'd sorely missed his touch. He breathed gentle kisses on her face, brushing his lips over her forehead, her temples, her nose, the corners of her mouth. Jane arched against him, offering him her lips, but he only smiled and continued to trail tiny kisses along her jaw down to her throat.

Severus didn't touch her with any other part of his body. The only contact between them was his hot mouth on her soft skin. He nipped at her. He licked her. He blew on the moist patches his kisses left, sending shivers of anticipation down her spine. He kissed the entire length of her body down to her very toes and back up again. She arched against him once more, pressing herself against his nude body, desperate to feel him close.

"Please, Severus," she begged him breathlessly, unable to bear his teasing any longer. "Please, kiss me."

He moved over her and stared into her eyes, but still made no move to kiss her. Instead, he just hovered over her, his lips only a fraction of an inch from hers. Jane could feel his hot breath against the sensitive skin of her partially open lips and a welcome wetness spread between her legs.

"Severus…" She bucked impatiently against him.

He finally took mercy on her and bent down to kiss her slowly, playfully teasing her lips apart with his tongue. She melted against him, and he deepened his kiss, growling triumphantly at her passionate response.

Jane could feel his arousal hard and demanding against her thigh. A guttural moan escaped her lips as his hands began to roam over her body, sending electric shivers through the very core of her. He kneaded the soft flesh of her breasts, rolling her rapidly hardening nipples between his long fingers. Moaning with pleasure, she raked her nails over his back, pulling him closer. Jane yearned to feel him inside her. She wanted to feel him fill and stretch her, to touch the very core of her. Restless with need, she writhed beneath him, bucked her hips demandingly against his, until he finally pushed her thighs apart with one knee and settled himself between her legs.

Severus searched her eyes.

"I love you," he told her, before he moved to claim her as his own.

In her majestic state bed at Fenton Hall, Jane stretched and turned onto her side, her arms reaching out to grasp – nothing. She awoke, disoriented and flustered. A dream, she thought disappointedly. It had been nothing but a dream. A single tear rolled down her cheek, leaving a lone salty trail in its wake.

"Oh, sod it, Severus," she whispered into the darkness. "Why do you have to be such a stubborn ass?"

---

Severus was poised over Jane, who was lying on his desk.

"I love you." A warm light shone in her eyes as she told him the three little words he so longed to hear.

"Say it again," he demanded gruffly.

Beneath him, Jane writhed impatiently, trying to get him to move closer.

"Say it!"

"I love you, Severus."

He bent down to kiss her, and she met him hungrily. His tongue thrust into her mouth, mating with hers until they both were out of breath.

"Don't make me wait," Jane panted against his lips.

He rocked against her and she moaned at the intimate contact between their bodies. He thrust into her slick tight passage in one smooth move, and Jane moaned again in pleasure.

"Yes," he hissed as he felt her muscles contract around him.

Jane wrapped her legs around his hips, drawing him deeper inside.

"Oh, yes," Severus groaned, withdrawing slowly before plunging back into her. Jane moaned and clung to him for dear life as he drove into her faster, harder...

"Severus," she panted breathlessly, "please."

Severus surged upright, his eyes blinking blindly in the darkness. His chest was heaving and his skin was clammy. The dream had left him heavily aroused and yearning for Jane. He could still hear her call his name, her voice trembling with passion. He longed to feel her warm body against his, their limbs entangled. The knowledge that he might never hold her in his arms again bore down heavily on him. He felt oddly empty and forlorn. Severus kept staring into the darkness surrounding him, until his breathing steadied and heart rate returned to normal. Jane. Try as he might, he could not free himself of her. He spent his waking hours thinking of her, and at night she invaded his dreams.

Was she really waiting for him, as Lupin had assured him? Severus had expected her to fight his decision to end their relationship. He had thought she would challenge him by demanding to see him. Jane had a tenacious streak, and she rarely quit once she had something on her mind. In his opinion, she had given up too easily. Or was she really just giving him time to come to his senses? Lupin had said that Jane had known he was lying. She had told him so to his face, but he had stubbornly ignored her. He had also shot down any attempt of hers to save their relationship. His brain really hadn't been functioning properly.

"Oh, what's the use?" he groaned out loud.

He'd been going over their last conversation again and again, and the outcome had always been the same. He had panicked and behaved like a fool. He had been wrong. That thought didn't sit well with him. He didn't like to be wrong and he rarely was. Go to her. She won't turn you away. How he longed for it to be true. Ever since Lupin had said the words, he had imagined how Jane would receive him. In his favorite fantasy she would throw herself into his arms as though they had never fought. The scenario he hated most was the one, where she greeted him coolly on the arm of a handsome virile young wizard…

Severus groaned again, his arousal quickly fading at the sobering thought. Now he definitely wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. He clambered out of his bed and shrugged into his dressing gown. He walked slowly through his cold bleak house, which was eerily illuminated by the cool blue moonlight shining through the windows. His feet shuffled over the black worn wood floors as he made his way from one tiny drab room to the next. He studied the jagged cracks adorning almost each and every one of the bare grey walls. Jane would never have approved of his home, he realized suddenly. She would not have considered it a home, period. He had never required a home before, although he probably had needed one. In his years as a spy he had consciously distanced himself from anything and anyone that could make him vulnerable – a home, a family, or even friends. As he took in his Spartan surroundings, he realized that he himself was very much like this house – old and worn, scarred and empty. The corners of his mouth twitched. Jane would not approve of this assessment of his, either.

He crossed his sitting room and moved to stand by one of the windows. The moon was almost full. He wondered briefly whether Lupin would remember to take his Wolfsbane potion. Severus could recall a time not so long ago when he had forgotten and endangered a group of people, including Potter and his little friends. Jane had assured him that Lupin had deeply regretted that incident and been very careful ever since. A full moon, he mused. It had been a full moon on Christmas Eve when he and Jane had shared their very first kiss. That kiss had been Jane's special gift to him, the memory of which he still deeply cherished. His head jerked up. Jane had given him another present that night. Severus suddenly realized that he had never opened it, and he hurried back upstairs to his bedroom. He stubbed his toes on the stairs, bruised one shin on a footstool, but he didn't care. All of a sudden, he was consumed by the overwhelming need to find Jane's gift.

"Lumos!"

He threw open the trunks that had been sent to him from Hogwarts. Lupin had assured him that they contained all his personal effects itemized on the list he had made. Severus couldn't be sure, but he thought he'd packed away the small box in one of his trunks when he had moved from the Shrieking Shack back to Hogwarts. He rummaged through his things, his frustration and impatience increasing by the minute.

When he still hadn't found Jane's gift fifteen minutes later, Severus became frantic. It was the only keepsake he had of her, and he didn't know what he would do, if he didn't find it. He simply had to. Jane had given it to him. Suddenly, his fingers closed around the small box. Panting slightly, Severus retrieved it from the depths of the trunk and sat back on his haunches. He stared reverently at the present in his hand. Jane had wrapped it in cheerfully colored paper. His upper lip curled involuntarily. She had done that on purpose to annoy him. He was sure of it. She knew how much he hated flashy things. He turned the gift around. It had been wrapped with infinite care. It had mattered to her that it looked perfect. He could be wrong about the paper, Severus mused after a moment's deliberation. After all, he had no experience with presents.

He sat motionless for a very long time, his eyes never leaving the colorful box in his hands. Jane had given this to him. She had gone out and chosen a present for him. For him! Severus still couldn't believe it. It was typical of her, though. Jane was a generous person. In a childlike gesture, he held the box to his ear and shook it gently. A faint rattle was audible, and his curiosity was peaked. After further determination, he finally moved to open the gift and carefully unwrapped it with trembling fingers. A plain brown cardboard box fell into his hands, and he slowly lifted the lid. When Severus saw what lay inside, he almost dropped everything he was holding. She had remembered. He couldn't believe it. She had remembered.

---

Jane sat by the lake that lay beyond the gardens of Fenton Hall. It had quickly become her favorite spot, because it allowed her an unobstructed view of the grounds and the manor house – her home. She had always loved the gardens, and once she found a skilled gardener, they would be restored to their old glory. But not today. Jane took a deep breath and turned her face to the sun, savoring the warm breeze against her skin. No, not today. For weeks, she had been working like a madwoman, had spent every waking minute transforming the manor. Today, she was playing truant. She had spread out a blanket and spent the afternoon reading a gripping thriller, while snacking on the delicacies Pinky had lovingly packed into a hot pink picnic basket. Jane popped another strawberry into her mouth and smiled. The little house-elf had an almost unhealthy affinity for everything pink, but she was such a helpful, hard-working, and adorable little creature that Jane could not deny her that small pleasure.

A couple of squirrels ran past, playing catch in the grass. Jane watched their antics, marveling at their whimsical innocent game. Animals had it easy, she mused. They didn't complicate their lives with silly misunderstandings and petty disagreements. If they were at odds with each other, they would fight it out and return to their usual routine afterwards. Animals didn't hold grudges, did they? They were above it. Jane sighed. Unshed tears prickled her eyes as she thought back to all the time she and Severus had wasted by avoiding the issues that really bothered them. She should really try and talk to him again. Clear up all the unresolved issues. She probably would have to ask Remus or Minerva for directions to Spinner's End. Jane was pretty sure that Severus would be hiding there.

Suddenly, a movement at the end of the path leading up from the gardens caught her attention. She raised one hand to shield her eyes against the low afternoon sun. The dark figure of a man was approaching slowly, moving stiffly. Jane recognized him, nonetheless. It was Severus.


Lost and Found © 2006 by MMHG