Not forgiven, never forgotten
Much to Healer Aldridge's joy, Eva returns to work two days after Christmas. She toys with the idea of staying at home for duration of school holidays but at the thought of not leaving Grimmauld place for another two weeks she gets a pretty bad case of cabin fever. Not that she mentions this to anyone as Sirius is sure to blow a gasket if he heard her complaining about being stuck in the house after only a week. With the mood he has been in, he might actually Avada her on the spot. His mood had turned sour after Christmas when he realized everybody is slowly returning to their jobs, missions and school and just like his Christmas cheer, it infected the whole house.
She gets him, really she does. But she is also so angry with him for not taking this time and enjoying the company of his godson, who usually desperate for his attention and affection, has taken to avoiding him. As has Eva herself, knowing in her gut that one wrong word would be enough to set them both off on each other. That's another reason she went back to work; it is easy to avoid him when she is gone half a day and spends the remainder of her time in Harry or Tonks' company. She doesn't move back to her flat though.
She doesn't go to work on the last day of holidays and later she can't decide if it was the best decision ever made or the worst. It is the day she never forgets and everything that happens later is the result of what happened that day. At the end it is the reason she gets closure sometime in the future but also a bucketload of suffering. She founds out things she wishes she never knew. Things that never should have happened.
She doesn't mean to eavesdrop. She really doesn't. But the door of Harry and Ron's bedroom is open as she walks down the hall on her way to a meeting in the kitchen, and rambunctious laughter coming from the room brings a smile to her face and she stops just short of doorframe and contemplates joining them. She doesn't want to intrude on the teenagers but she does enjoy seeing Harry smile and laugh with his friends and insert a witty comeback once in a while. She likes seeing him carefree and he is never more so then when he's unaware of the presence of any adult, in the company of his friends.
"And to think I wanted to return to the Dursleys for holidays," Harry laughs and Eva feels her smile slip from her lips.
"What? When?" asks an astounded Ron.
"After the attack on your dad," Harry tells him sheepishly. "Dumbledore didn't let me though."
"Of course not. Mom wouldn't let you either. What were you thinking? You hate it there," Ron protests vehemently. "And you wouldn't get to eat mom's famous Christmas dinner. They would probably only feed you scraps."
"If that," Harry mutters resentfully and Eva freezes. He doesn't mean that does he? "Aunt Petunia would probably break out her old frying pan. Although she hadn't managed to whack me with it in years."
Harry and Ron both snort at this while Eva stands in the hallway frozen in place.
"This is not funny," she hears Hermione counteract reproachfully.
"No," agrees Ron, "you have to admire their tenacity though. Remember second year? They put actual bars on your window. We literally broke you out."
"That was wicked, though," Harry says enthusiastically. "The looks on the Dursleys faces as we soared away in a flying car. Priceless!"
All three of them, including Hermione, laugh at the memory. Eva doesn't laugh though. She doesn't think she will ever laugh again. Not after hearing this.
She moves forwards and it is a few seconds before they notice her silhouetted in the doorframe.
"Hey, Eva." The kids offer their hello's but she opens her mouth twice and still no sound comes out of it. Hermione frowns worriedly. "Is something wrong?"
She doesn't answer and she can't move her eyes away from Harry.
"They didn't feed you?"
"What?" Harry frowns, looking confused for a moment and then tries to wave the issue away unconcernedly. "Oh. No, no. They fed me enough usually. They only took the food away when Uncle Vernon was really ticked off. Like that time Dobby dropped that pudding while Uncle Vernon had some important clients over. I thought I was dead for sure that time."
He says this lightly like it was no big deal but Eva can see that Hermione and even Ron are looking at him in apprehension.
"He hurt you?"
"Oh no, nothing like this. He forbid me to go back to Hogwarts. Put bars on my window and Aunt Petunia pushed bits of food trough cat-flap inside my bedroom. And then Ron, George and Fred came to save me in their dad's flying car," Harry finishes with a smile.
"A cat-flap," she repeats. This time there is no mistaking the heartbroken hollow quality of her voice. His smile slips off as if he just realized he said too much.
"It wasn't really all that bad-"
"No." Do not try to soften this up for my sake. He stops talking immediately, probably realizing there is no talking her out of it this time. She had already let his words slip by too many times. "No." No more. "No." Don't try to defend them.
Harry exchanges uncomfortable looks with Ron and Hermione.
"Does Sirius know this?"
"I- There really is nothing-"
"Does he know, Harry?"
"I- I-" Harry stutters, pushed in the corner and uncertain. "He knows I would rather live with him. He knows that they don't really care for me."
"Does he know that they starve you for punishment?" She asks impatiently and with no mercy. She is done mincing her words. Harry flinches at her wording. "Does he know that they don't buy you cloths? That they put bars on your window? That they push food through the cat-flat like you're some animal?"
"No. I didn't say things like that. It sounds worse when you say it like that but it wasn't that bad. Really." He desperately tries to reassure her. His friends don't dare to utter a word.
"Not that bad," she repeats tonelessly. "It is the way it sounds. And Dumbledore? Does he know?"
At this a guarded expression crosses his face.
"He's Dumbledore." He knows everything, hangs in the air. "I told him I don't want to go back to Dursleys. I begged him to let me stay at Hogwarts or at the Weasleys."
Eva grits her teeth and jams her fingernails in her palms to stop her hands shaking.
"What else did they do to you, Harry? Did they hit you?" Merlin, please no.
"No!" Harry leaps to his feet, exclaiming in alarm. "They never hit me!"
"Don't lie to me, Harry! I heard you say that Petunia hit you with a frying pan. And I remember you saying something about Dudley trying to beat you up." Please, no.
"That was nothing. I was very fast. I mostly ducked out of the way."
"Do you think that makes it any better?! It doesn't! And your Uncle? Did he-" Please.
"He didn't hit me. I'm not lying! He shoved me sometimes or dragged me up the stairs. Or threw me in the cupboard but that was all!"
"A- A cupboard?" she stutters. Harry snaps his mouth shut once again with a realization, that in trying to defend his relatives' actions, he has dug an even bigger hole. "What cupboard?"
Harry sucks in a breath, looks from one curious face to another.
"I didn't mean- It's nothing. Just let it go," he mumbles and then pushes past her to the hall. But Eva has now heard too much, and she will not let it go. Instinctively, she knows the cupboard is important.
"Stay here," she orders to the other two and quickly follows Harry, catching his elbow a few doors down the hall. "Harry." She stops a few inches in front of him, staring him in the eye. "Tell me about the cupboard," she says with gentleness she didn't think she is capable in this situation.
"That was my bedroom. The cupboard under the stairs." Eva can't speak. She is clenching her teeth together so hard she thinks they might break. The helpless rage builds inside her chest with nowhere to go. "Until I went to Hogwarts that is. The invitation letter was addressed to Cupboard under the stairs. They gave me Dudley's second bedroom after that."
After this Eva can't control the volume of her voice.
"SECOND BEDROOM!" she roars in apoplectic rage that makes Harry jump and look around to see if anyone is listening in. She tries to get her voice under control. "He had a second bedroom and they made you sleep in a cupboard?"
"Please don't make a big deal out of this."
"But it is a big deal. This is wrong. They are wrong. You do know that, don't you Harry? You know that it's wrong of them to treat you like this?" She practically begs him. Merlin, not Lily's son.
"I know. But they are just scared of magic. They don't understand. To them we are all freaks."
"DON'T- Don't defend them!" she says angrily. Harry looks nervous as the volume of her voice increases sporadically. Lily, I'm sorry.
"I'm not. But a lot of weird things always happened around me."
"A magical child can't help this. And Petunia knows this. She grew up with Lily." All Eva wants then is to release that rage inside her on Petunia Dursley. "Merlin, that- that- bitch!" The door opens somewhere down the hall and two pair of footsteps can be heard descending the stairs. She drags both of her shaking palms down her face roughly. How could they let this happen? "God, your mom. What would she say? That I left you there." Mostly she mumbles to herself.
"Is everything alright here?"
"We heard yelling."
"A truly melodious voice."
"Music to my ears."
Fred and George have come to investigate and when she turns around, Ron and Hermione's heads are visible trough half open door while Ginny stands at the top of the staircase uncertainly.
Eva tries to breath through her nose, controlling her anger.
"Everything's alright." She smiles but fools no one. "Why don't you all hang out in Harry and Ron's bedroom while I go-" Somehow, she manages to herd all of them into the room without them or her knowing how she has done this, "deal with some things."
Her voice turns icy at the end of the sentence and as they are all left standing around in the silence of the room, an echo of her unsaid words stays with the. Kill someone with my bare hands.
"I don't know what this is about," Ginny says to break the silence, "but someone is about to have their arse handed to them."
"Right scary lady," Fred mutters.
Eva Marlowe wants to roar in rage until she has no voice left. She wants to tear the whole house apart with her bare hands. She wants to hurl hex after hex and see an entire town burn down. She wants to hit and scratch and spit and tear her own hair out of her scalp. She wants to kill. Eva Marlowe is on a warpath.
It is still early for the scheduled Order meeting and the only ones in the kitchen are Remus, Sirius and Albus. As the door slams open, everybody except Albus Dumbledore, who has a wand pointed into his face, jumps to their feet.
"Eva, have you lost your mind?" says an astounded Remus. She pays him no heed.
"What have you done? What have you done to him?" Her voice trembles with anger and despair. The wand shakes in her hand.
"Eva…"
"You told me he was safe and happy. You told me. You assured me." She doesn't know what she begs for. Albus catches on quickly even if she has yet to mention Harry's name.
"It was the safest place for him. Still is."
"THEY STARVED HIM!" Somewhere behind her the dishes rattle precariously. "They took away food for punishment! They didn't buy him clothes because they don't want to spend any money on him. They made him sleep in a cupboard! For ten years! How could you let this happen?"
Sirius and Remus yell in outrage and Dumbledore looks suddenly sad and very old.
"I knew they didn't love him the way he deserved. But they took him in. I had no idea that they treated him this way. Truly, Eva. I would have stepped in."
"Are you talking about Harry?" Sirius asks dangerously. Nobody answers him. Not that there is any need to.
"Do you think this makes it any better? That you didn't know!" she yells, her shaking wand still pointed at her former headmaster even as her hand has slipped slightly. "He asked you. He asked you to let him stay somewhere else."
"Yes. But his relatives' home is still the safest place for him."
"The safest place?" she asks incredulously. She chuckles mirthlessly. "Do you know what it is called, what they do to him? Abuse." The word echoes around the room, shaking them all. Eva finally drops her hand. "No matter how much the magical world likes to shut their eyes to it, that's what it is. Abuse. And neglect." Remus drops in the nearest chair and Sirius is yet to move.
"He'll live here. From now on, Harry will live here," Sirius declares hotly.
"Sirius, please don't be rash. Harry can't-" Dumbledore tries to calm him down.
"Didn't you just hear what she said?!" he yells. "He can't go back there."
"We will take precautions and I will have a conversation with Petunia but he has to go back."
"Go back?" Eva asks horrified. "He can't go back."
"He has to, Eva. The blood wards-"
"I don't care about the bloody blood wards!"
"They will protect him from danger."
"What about the danger inside the wards? Does that mean nothing to you? As long as Voldemort can't get to him, it doesn't matter if his own relatives kill him!"
"The wards may very well save his life one day. And as I said, we will take precautions." Eva shakes her head. She has enough of this. Lily and James wanted her to be their son's guardian. And she failed them once by blindly trusting Dumbledore. She will not repeat that mistake again.
"You told me fourteen years ago, that he will be safe and taken care for. You promised me. And I trusted you. It was the only one left and it was my job to take care of him. And I trusted that you knew what was best for him. I trusted that he was better off with his family then with me. I truly believed it."
Her voice breaks and she looks away from the old man.
"Eva," Dumbledore starts gently. "Forgive me but you know as well as I do that you weren't in any state to take care of a baby."
A silence rings in the kitchen as Eva looks Dumbledore in the eye. Not in shame or denial. But in recognition and acceptance. She has accepted this a long time ago.
"No, maybe I wasn't. But you didn't think I was capable of pulling myself together an hour a week to take him for ice cream and check-up on him? You didn't even give me a chance. You offered to take all my responsibilities away and I gave them away willingly. You told me not to seek him out, that it is better for him that way. I had nothing left."
Eva has no idea she has voiced some of Albus Dumbledore's biggest regrets. Hadn't he wondered the exact same thing a few months ago?
"And that was fine. It was what it was. I have lost everything. But I had one single comfort in my miserable existence; Harry was okay. He was alive and save and happy. And now even that is not true."
"I truly believed back then I did what was best for everyone," Dumbledore says quietly after a minute of silence. "I let you down."
"You let Harry down. Not me. Why is he always the one who must suffer for all of our mistakes?" Nobody answers her desperate plea. Something obscures her vision and when she touches her face, she is surprised to find it wet. Angry tears flow from her eyes without her even realizing. She stares at her moist fingers wondering if that's the outlet for the suffocating anger consuming her mind and body.
Lily, how disappointed you must be. I'm sorry.
She looks up, locking eyes with Sirius and she knows he is thinking about Lily and James, too. Their son was not supposed to grow up like that. He was supposed to have a better childhood. He was not supposed to grew up like them.
"If I have just visited him every once in a while," she says regretfully.
"Petunia didn't want anyone from the wizarding world to bother her. It was her condition to taking Harry in."
"I DON'T CARE WHAT PETUNIA WANTED!" she screams. "You are Albus Dumbledore. If you wanted, you could have made her. Don't tell me you have never imposed your will on anyone!"
She doesn't wait for his answer. Suddenly, she squares her shoulders, wipes off her tears angrily, grips her wand tightly and turns towards the door, her nostrils flaring.
"Where are you going?" Remus yells hoarsely after her.
"To kill Petunia Dursley!" she answers without stopping her powerwalk.
"Eva!"
"Eva, please stop!" All of them hurry after her to the entry hall, Dumbledore moving surprisingly fast for such an old man. "Sirius, stop her!"
Sirius hesitates but then forgoes the wand. A pair of strong wraps around her torso, pining her arms to her sides. She recognizes the hands, even if they are older and much thinner then they used to be. She has conflicting urges to sink into his embrace and beat on him in outrage at the same time. She does neither but squirms, struggling, to get away from him.
"Let me go! What's wrong with you!" She throws her head back to get him to realise her and he curses as she nearly knocks his teeth out.
"Cut it out, Eva!" he yells, and she only stops because this is the first time in a long time, he has called her by her first name. "Just stop."
"Why? Why aren't you helping me? Didn't you hear what they did to him? Why don't you want to wring her neck with your bare hands?"
She doesn't understand; of everyone, she thought he will support her in this.
"Of course, I do," he snarls into her ear. "I want to go over there and beat them to a pulp and curse them into next week and burn their house down. I want it so badly that it hurts!" Eva breathes in gasps but still listens and when she turns her head sideways to look at him, his eyes burn with hatred and revenge and there is a trickle of blood down his chin where she has head-butted him. Slowly, unconsciously, she stops struggling and starts leaning into his chest. "But the irony of all ironies, Harry needs her blood to keep him safe. She doesn't love him but it is her blood he needs. We are helpless. But I promise you; we will get back at her. We will get them all," he swears. Eva believes him.
Looking at the scene in front of him Albus Dumbledore realizes he had it all backwards. He knows he sees barely the surface of their dynamic. They are much more complicated then he could ever had imagined. They are each other's enabler and soother.
Eva is still leaning heavily on Sirius, her whole body trembling, while Remus and Albus look on in sadness when Harry shows his face, obviously having heard the commotion in the entry hall.
"You told them, didn't you? I told not to make a big deal out of this. I begged you!" Harry accuses resentfully. Sirius releases her and she stumbles to her own feet.
"Harry…"
"Why did you have to go around telling them this?"
"Of course, she told us," Sirius says, wiping blood off his chin with the back of his hand. "And of course, it's a big deal. It's a huge deal."
"I survived the last fourteen years. It was never a big deal before. I don't know why this should change now. And why are you suddenly agreeing with her?" Harry accuses and she makes a step away from Sirius. The last thing she wants is for her to come in between them. Sirius' only focus is on his godson, though.
"Because she's right. It is a big deal. This never should have happened. It's wrong of them to treat you like this. James… Your mom and dad, they…" He chokes on his words.
"Your parents wouldn't want this for you. They wanted better for you. We all did. Me and Sirius and Remus; we wanted your life to be better than ours. None of us had a very happy childhood. But you are Lily and James Potter's son. The best people I ever knew. And for you to have to live with that- that-"
"Then why didn't you take me? Why did I have to live with them? Why didn't you fight for me?" His voice carries all his sadness, his anger, his loneliness and a world of desperate unasked questions about why nobody loved him enough to take care of him. Eva shatters on the inside.
"I was broken. And selfish. And a coward."
"Eva!" Remus tries to interfere, but she doesn't listen.
"And I believed you were better off without me. I thought you were happier with your family then you ever could be with a broken drunk that was hardly even a person. If anything, I thought Petunia might turn you against magic. But I could live with that. As long as you lived a life that your parents wanted for you."
"And you never even checked up on me?" he asks derisively.
"Harry, come on." It's Sirius that tries this time.
"You're right. I failed you. I failed your mom. You don know how much-" She doesn't finish the sentence. Harry shouldn't have to listen to her regrets. It will do him no good. It will change nothing. "But I will do better. In the future, I will do better."
She walks to him and puts both of her hands on his shoulders, looking into Lily's eyes.
"Eva," Dumbledore warns, knowing what she is about to say. She is past it all.
"You are not going back there. Ever. I promise you. You'll live here or at my place or even at the Weasleys. Wherever you want. You are only going back to the Dursleys over my cold dead body. I swear."
It is a loaded statement, but Harry only hears one thing.
"You would let me live with you?" His uncertainty mixed with hope is heart-breaking.
"Of course. If you'll want to," she says softly.
They keep staring at each other and Eva feels something monumental change in their relationship. All of a sudden, she is not a guest anymore. She is family and she is finally allowed to participate in a clean-up of a hypothetic future party.
"I would like that," he breathes out.
The front door opens softly, and Severus Snape stops in his tracks at the tension in the air. He raises an eyebrow as nobody pays him any heed.
"You are way too forgiving, Harry. You take after your dad in that regard."
"Not after my mom?" he asks surprised and she chuckles.
"Your mom was kind and patient and compassionate but boy, could that girl hold a grudge." That's the moment she finally catches Severus Snape's eye and she feels pity well up in her chest for the poor mislead boy he once was. Everybody chooses their own way and he chose his. At the time there was no other way for him to go, she finally admits to herself. It is not her guilt to bear.
"I thought we have a meeting." At this everybody springs into action.
"Of course, yes. We should all move to the kitchen. The others are about to arrive any minute now," Dumbledore urges and sweeps off, Severus following with one last suspicious look at the remaining three.
"We should go, too," says Remus hesitantly. "Harry, you should go back upstairs." A mutinous expression crosses his face but he nods and starts to leave.
"We can talk more later," Eva says softly, trying to appease him. He nods but she knows he is not pleased. When he disappears upstairs, Eva gives both men dark looks.
"We should tell him. He doesn't trust adults which is no wonder. When has any adult done anything nice for him? Keeping him in the dark about Voldemort is like waiting for inevitable. Sooner or later he will decide he needs to know one way or another because he doesn't trust us to deal with what is threatening him or his friends or the world. And whatever he finds and whatever conclusions he makes might be deadly. And the more we keep things from him the more distrustful he is."
She makes her opinion known at the Order meeting and while Sirius, Tonks, Kingsley and to a degree even Remus support her, most of the others are either against it or don't know Harry well enough to have an opinion.
The meeting as a whole is an arduous affair where rattled Sirius and Severus keep sniping at each other and a frustrated Remus and tired Albus try to keep them in check while Eva steams in her own anger.
After the meeting, Severus sends for Harry and proceeds to inform him, he is to teach him Occlumency come the start of a new term. On Dumbledore's orders. Eva says nothing bit she is miffed that Albus has failed to mention any of this to either her or Sirius. Through it all Sirius and Snape continue to wind each other up. Snape goads Sirius about being useless and Sirius in return makes it clear he doesn't trust him. She only interferes once Sirius has taken to snarling Snivellus in Snape's face and wands come out. An anxious Harry vaults over the table to latch onto Sirius and stop him from throwing a hex. Eva rolls her eyes. Just like good old days.
"Sirius, for fuck's sake!" she growls and at the same time the entire Weasley family and Hermione enter the kitchen, yelling one over another.
"Language!" screeches Molly while Arthur exuberantly proclaims himself cured.
By the time, dinner is in full swing, Eva's head pounds with persistence. Truthfully, all she wants to do is go drink herself half to death, maybe sniff a line of coke, down a potion to top it off, fuck some faceless nameless stranger and scream and cry until she can't move anymore. Instead she forces herself to smile. It is almost painful. She can see Sirius doing the same; trying to make Harry's last night as enjoyable as possible under the circumstances. Remus too, tries to act normal but keeps drifting off in the middle of conversations. Harry himself, sitting next to her, keeps glancing furtively at Sirius. When he catches her eye, she gives him a slight smile.
"You okay?" she whispers.
"I don't know if I want to go back to school."
"Come on, Harry. You won't let Snape scare you off." He shrugs. "I know things are difficult but you love Hogwarts. You told me yourself. It's your home. Now more than ever I understand why… And you love teaching DA. Right?" He nods hesitatingly but his eyes still stray towards Sirius. She sighs heavily. "You worried about Sirius?" This time he whips around to look at her in surprise.
"How did you know?" This time she shrugs.
"Sirius is an adult. You can't be the one to take care of him." The question is reflected in his compassionate emerald eyes: Then who will? "I'll talk to him, okay? Don't worry. I know we are not on the best of terms, but he is not alone."
She knows she won't be able to sleep that night so she takes a Sleeping potion. Even then, her night is restless, full of Harry and Jonathan blending into each other and she is up before dawn. She thinks of packing her things, as now, that the kids are returning to Hogwarts, she has no more reason to stay at Grimmauld Place. She doesn't feel like packing though. Her head is still full of horrible visions of Harry in the care of his relatives and she can't sit still. She is still full of rage and a few angry tears the previous day have done nothing to dispel it. She wanders the house in her dressing gown like a ghost and Harry almost jumps out of his skin when she appears in the drawing room.
"God, you scared me," he breathes.
"Sorry. You are up early." He shrugs.
"So are you."
"Yes. But I'm an adult and you're a teenager. It's practically unheard of for a teenager to get up before strictly unnecessary." He smiles at her joke.
"I couldn't sleep."
Eva slumps onto the sofa besides him.
"Me either."
They sit in comfortable silence for some time and Eva is just about to nod off when Harry speaks.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course. Anything." She gives him a curious look as he fidgets uncomfortably.
"You don't have to answer."
"Alright."
"You said… Yesterday you said you wanted a better childhood for me then yours was. And I don't know anything about you. You're a pureblood right? Not that it matters. Were your parents like Sirius' mum? I- You don't have to answer."
She thinks about his question. How long has it been since she told anyone about her family? Close to two decades? He has given her an excellent out. She could just say she doesn't want to talk about it or confirm that her parents were blood maniacs and be done with it. But she realizes, she wants to tell him. She wants him to know something about her. She wants to give him a part of herself. And she has a long time ago discovered the only way for their bond to strengthen was for her to expose herself bare.
"My parents were- complicated. The Marlowes, my dad's family, they were as pureblood as you can get. Not as well off or as respected as the Blacks but still pretty high up on the hierarchy. They weren't really obsessed with blood purity though. My father didn't care for it obviously as he wouldn't marry my mother otherwise. On the other hand, my mother's line had plenty of half-bloods and muggleborns. Rumour has it, some greatgreatgreatgreat grandmother has even married a muggle. My mother hated to be reminded of this. She wanted to be a pureblood and that was the reason she married my father. She had this vision that to purify her line she will marry her children to purebloods."
"And you didn't ever get married?"
"No." She hesitates then. She could end her story here. But that's only a little part of the whole picture. "I wasn't her primary goal though. I had a brother. He was eight years older than me. I was only an accident that they didn't want. Mostly I was left to my own devices. Nobody took much notice of me. My brother though, he was their pride and joy. My mother had high hopes for him. He was polite and well-bred. Handsome and intelligent. A prize to catch. But he was also kind and sensitive and I loved him dearly. All my happy childhood memories are of him. When he graduated from Hogwarts, mother strongly encouraged him to marry a nice pureblood girl as soon as possible. But he didn't want to marry a nice pureblood girl. I didn't know this then, he probably considered me to young to be trusted with this, but he fell in love with a nice muggleborn girl and he would rather marry her. We only found out this from our house-elf later on. But you see, for all his good qualities, my brother didn't know how to stand up for what he wanted. And he loved mother and he knew how she would react and what it would do to her if he ever told her that. And finally, the pressure got too much for his sensitive personality."
Eva swallows hard and Harry listens with rapt attention.
"I was eleven at the time but I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I had just gotten my Hogwarts letter. I was so thrilled. I sat on the floor in my room, reading a list of school supplies that I needed to bring with. Jonathan opened the door and stuck his head into the room to tease me about my excitement. I still remember the smile he gave me. I dream about it even now. He left then and I continued to scour the letter and when I read that I was allowed to bring a pet of my own, I got up, running to his room, intent on pestering him to buy me an owl." Eva looks off in the distance. She has gotten over it. But it still hurts. It will never stop hurting. And while she has mostly let go of her anger, sometimes she still wonders. How could you do that to me? How could you have let me find you like that? She will never forget, the white socked feet dangling in front of her face. She looked up in confusion at first and then, they tell her she screamed for hours on end. She doesn't remember this. Doesn't remember his face. But the dangling feet in white socks, those she can never forget. It had been her Boggart for years; opening the door only to find dangling feet. "He hung himself. Right there, in the room next to mine, not twelve feet away from me, not five minutes after he has stuck his head inside my room."
"Oh. Oh god. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I didn't know," Harry stammers, uncomfortable but still compassionate. She smiles at him sadly.
"It's okay. It was so long ago. I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to," she reassures him. Harry nods, still looking uncomfortable. She thinks he might make an excuse then and leave but his curiosity glues him to the sofa.
"And after… What did your parents do?"
"Father buried himself in work. Sometimes I didn't see him for weeks. And mother, she tried to focus all her pureblood insanity on me but soon gave up when she figured I was not about to hand over the reins of my life to her. Truth is, for the remainder of my time until first year started, I didn't do much more then sit and look at her hollowly, not complying even with the most inconsequent orders or suggestions. In later years, every time I came home from Hogwarts, she was more and more insane and the last time I saw her we had a horrible fight. I never could forgive her for Jonathan's death and I made sure she knew it."
"And you? How did you…?"
"Deal? Your mother, of course. I cared for nothing and nobody and your mother cared for both of us until I was ready to start caring, too. She probably saved my life."
"What do you mean? Did you…?"
"No, no. I would never do a suicide. But I was self-destructive enough to get myself killed sooner or later. My love for your mom saved me."
They sit silently as Harry thinks over all she has told him.
"I'm glad you told me this," he says finally and Eva runs her hand trough his messy hair the way she rarely dares.
"Me too, Harry. Me too."
His eyes, open, kind, forgiving, compassionate, humble, too old for such a young face, so much like his mother's, roam premature lines of her face. A wave of fierce protectiveness washes over her and all she wants to do, is to keep him safe. All she wants is to hold him to her and never let go. Merlin, why him? He is the kindest boy she ever met. Why did he have so many bad things happen to him? How is that fair?
It surprises her that she is still able to wonder about the fairness of life. That's for people who still have hope. She has long ago learned that life isn't fair. Life is a bitch and then you die. For Harry she wants better.
Don't ever change, Harry. Don't let life break you.
"You are a good person, Harry. I don't know how you do it."
"Do what?" he asks curiously.
"Believe that people are good after everything that happened to you."
"Because I have to, no? What am I going to fight for if I believe that people are evil?"
Eva doesn't answer. She had stopped believing years ago. She had also stopped fighting. Looking at the boy besides her though, she thinks maybe it's time she started believing again. The least she could do, is believe in Harry.
After breakfast she pulls on some of her best robes and puts on her only heels. She leaves no room for objection as she joins Remus and Tonks in escorting the kids back to Hogwarts on the Knight bus. Once again she tries to reassure an anxious Harry and gives a grateful smile to Remus when he too, talks to him. A lump forms in her throat when she gives one last wave to Harry's back. Tonks sees the expression on her face and drags her to the first pub in sight, calling goodbye to Remus. They would probably have stayed there for the remainder of the day, Eva drowning her sorrows and Tonks drinking in moral support, if Eva didn't receive an urgent owl to report to St Mungo's and Tonks to the Ministry.
When she arrives, she finds the staff of St Mungo's in panic and she herself swallows thickly when she finds out Broderick Bode has been strangled by a Devil's Snare. She spends most of her day dealing with the crisis which is an administrative nightmare among everything else and treks back to Hogwarts to report to Dumbledore in the early evening still in her damned heels. How could she have decided to wear heels on precisely this day? Because she was escorting Harry to school? As if Harry cared a lick about her heels. After that she intends to drink out Aberforth at Hog's Head but even that gives her no real peace of mind and after two hours she apparates back to Number 12 Grimmauld Place, luckily not splincinhg herself. She still hasn't packed her things so she has to go back there but if she were honest with herself, she would admit something dangerous and dark and forbidden pulls her back there on that night…
