The curtain drops

It is a strange sight to see a tiny grey-haired man storming into the Auror Department and even a stranger sight to see him bellowing into the face of Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt, who is twice his size and trice his weight, while the rest of the department hesitatingly reaches for their wands.

Eva Marlowe, who has been waiting in Kingsley's office for the continuation of the interview slash interrogation, picking at her nails in boredom and marveling at the irony of sitting in an Auror's office in Walburga Black's fancy purple robe, suddenly finds her interest peaked. It is not an easy feat. Nothing much can permeate the numbness that seems to have become her new best friend this past week. The investigation in Broderick Bode's death has uncovered her as the primary suspect as it was her signature on the delivery slip of The Devil's Snare, that strangled him. She has therefore been in and out of the Ministry for the last week, suspended from St Mungo's for the time being and in constant contact with Dumbledore. It was not just that she was a murder suspect, which was an altogether a bogus accusation, that Aurors couldn't prove, which they were all too aware of but still needed to keep up appearances, it also became abundantly clear that Voldemort and Death Eaters were aware of her connection with the Order and even more importantly, with Harry. Why else would they, of everyone that works at St Mungo's, frame her? The new development required an Order meeting in the near future, though, as she was all too aware. And none of this has managed to raise particularly strong feelings in Eva Marlowe. She might be beyond repair.

The Ministry interrogations weren't anything to fear, especially as Kingsley was present at all of them and he made sure they were conducted in his office rather than in an interrogation room but they were a nuisance and Eva is getting sick of the same questions all over again. That's the first time she sees her boss at the Ministry though, and as far as she can remember, she has never seen him in such temper. When he actually starts to wave his fist into Kingsley's face, Eva gets up and opens the door to hear what this is all about.

"Do you have any idea who you are holding hostage?!"

"We are not holding anyone-"

"The future of healing! That's who! That's who that woman is! How many of you has she patched up? How many of you owe your lives to her? Hm? How dare you?! Do you have no shame? She is the best healer the wizarding world has! She will once be the Head of St Mungo's! You mark my words! You will be sorry then!"

"Healer Aldridge, please calm down."

"I will not calm down! You have taken away my best healer! The best I have ever seen! Do you know how many patients could have used her this week! Their lives be on your conscience!"

Eva never knew Healer Aldridge has such flair for dramatics. Nor that he holds her in such high regard. Despite herself, she feels strangely moved.

"Healer-"

"I demand you release her immediately!"

"Healer Aldridge, your opinion will be taken in regard, but you are in no position-" Healer Aldridge wants to hear nothing of it.

"She is the brightest student I have ever taught! She has surpassed me a long time ago. Do you really think, if she murdered someone, she would be stupid enough to leave evidence for you to find?"

This might possibly be the nicest compliment Healer Aldridge has ever given to her. The way he said you in reference to the Auror Department however suggested he might get himself thrown in jail if she didn't step in.

"Healer Aldridge." Eva wouldn't believe her boss has so much agility in his legs if she didn't see him speedily cross the cluttered office with her own eyes. He eyes her frantically and grips her hand in both of his.

"Healer, Marlowe. Are you alright, my dear girl?" Eva has also never heard him refer to her as his dear girl. "Are they treating you poorly?"

"I'm alright, Healer Aldridge. Thank you for your worry but they are really not treating me too badly."

"It's a disgrace, that's what it is!"

"It's alright, really. They are just doing their jobs."

"It's not right. It's not." Healer Aldridge turns back to Kingsley who looks like he would like nothing more then to get rid of them both. "I demand you release her right now!"

An Auror at Kingsley's right looks like he is about to object but Kingsley jumps in.

"I think we are done for the day anyway. You are free to go, Healer Marlowe. We will contact you when there's something new."

Healer Aldridge grumbles something unflattering but ushers her out of the Auror Department and though Eva is grateful that she doesn't have to sit through more endless questions, she now feels awkward in her boss's presence. They ride an elevator in silence and do not speak until they are almost halfway through the lobby.

"Healer Aldridge? I heard what you said. You really didn't have to but thank-"

Healer Aldridge stops suddenly in his tracks and Eva only just manages not to trip over her own feet. Grace has never been her forte.

"I meant every word. You are the future, Eva. I will trust the Emergency medicine department to no one but you."

"Healer Aldridge-"

"I know. You have told me countless times, that you are not interested in being the Head of department. But I have seen something in you in those last few months. I don't know what changed. I don't know what has happened to you to make you the way you are. I used to think you didn't care. But you do. Probably more than an old man like me can grasp. And you will be the next Head of Emergency medicine department. Not today. Or this week. Maybe not even this year or this decade. But I will wait for you. You are my only choice."

Eva is left speechless at the trust this man, whom she never thought that much off, has just put into her. She wants to object but somehow the words get stuck inside her throat. He smiles kindly at her.

"Come back to work whenever you feel ready, Healer Marlowe. Don't worry about your suspension. I will deal with it." He is about ready to leave when he turns back to her once again. "I so rarely see you out of your healer's robes, I never knew you have such exquisite style. Nowadays you don't see witches in such fine robes anymore."

He bows at her and Eva is left staring after him dumbfounded. She looks down and laughs, albeit a bit hysterically, at the purple velvet.

It is with this strange incident still on her mind that Eva arrives at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Sans the purple robe. Or any robe. She tries to arrive as late as possible but Dumbledore is still not there, so she is forced to socialize. Luckily for her, she is immediately accosted by Tonks, who wants to discuss the incident at the office for which she was not present but of which the whole ministry was talking about. Eva groans at this.

"Apparently, your extremely sexy boss rode into the Auror Department on a white stallion, declared you the most beautiful, capable and dreamy woman who is his future and the future of healing. He then demanded you be released because otherwise he will murder them all and his smart lady-love, you of course, will cover up all the evidence because she is just that smart, smarter than them all. And then he whisked you away on his mighty dragon into the sunset where you will be making extremely pretty and smart babies."

Eva splutters at the ridiculousness of the Ministry gossip mill, not sure if she should laugh or go throw herself off the bridge.

"What? He's not sexy at all!" she yells and the whole table stops what they are saying to look at her. Tonks snorts into her fist.

"Really? That's all that bothers you about this?"

"And he's old!" Tonks outright laughs at this. "Really old," she adds kind of desperately. She looks around the table at an assortment of either amused or confused faces. She can't help but briefly catch Sirius' eye and just as she expected; she can only detect his now familiar despise and even worse, all that seeps through her numbness is guilt and disgust mixed with pity. Nothing has changed.

"I don't know," Kingsley teases her. "He seemed kind of dashing to me. A real knight in shining armor, coming to rescue his damsel in distress, all the while singing praises to her beauty."

Eva rolls her eyes.

"He said absolutely nothing of my beauty! He might have mentioned something about me being the future of healing, I will give you that. But there were no horses. Or dragons. Or whatever. And he did say I would not be stupid enough to get caught by Aurors if I murdered someone, which was nice of him to say but that's about it. And he's old!" she finishes in case anyone has forgotten.

Most of them are still laughing at her and Eva really hopes to see Dumbledore when the door behind her opens. Instead, there is Molly, holding a pair of familiar silver heels in her hand above her head.

"Who do those belong to? I found them in the middle of the entry hall. Nearly broke my neck tripping over them," Molly declares disapprovingly. Eva prays for the floor to open and swallow her whole. Her prayers are not to be heard. She glances around the table but too many people know they are hers for her to pretend not to have seen them before.

One week earlier:

There is always a certain weight Eva Marlowe carries with her but right now the burden is almost palpable the way it sits on her chest like a giant elephant. The ringing in her ears hasn't stopped since she dropped Harry off. She has no idea how she has functioned through the day but it seems nobody has noticed anything. She must have said the right words and nodded at the right places. She has even done her job and dealt with a crisis and reported to Dumbledore and drank a lot. And nobody said anything. Nobody hears the loud headache inducing ringing that has been drowning out her every thought. All she hears trough the ringing are Harry's words. For she hasn't forgotten. Can never forget. Aunt Petunia pushed bits of food trough cat-flap… it wasn't that bad. Really I mostly ducked out of the way… my bedroom. The cupboard under the stairs… It was never a big deal before… Then why didn't you take me?

The words will haunt her until the day she dies. And if it wasn't for that boy, who needed her, she would wish for death to come quickly. Now, all she wants is for that ringing to stop. The alcohol hadn't helped (it never does), only made things worse. Her chest feels like it's about to explode with something she cannot name. She needs an outlet. She needs something, she cannot put into words.

In the back of her mind, Eva knows nothing good can come out of this. Nothing good can come out of her returning to Number 12 Grimmauld Place in the darkness of the night and without Harry or Remus as buffers. Not in the emotional state she is in. Her guilt is still very much present. Her anger even more so. Her whole body pulsates with it. She should just go. But she cannot. Something dangerous lurks in this house and she is drawn to it. And the ringing in her ears won't let her turn away.

The house has been abandoned by everyone but its owner who by the look of empty bottles strewn all over the dining room, didn't expect any visitors. Or simply didn't care. She empties the only bottle with a few sips of firewhiskey left, directly into her mouth. In the entry hall she kicks off her heels in contempt and continues her unsteady trek upstairs on her bare blistered feet, holding onto the railing. Quietly and in the ominous darkness of the house.

If she were in her right mind, she might think it strange how purposefully she walks the dark halls. Her elbow painfully snags a doorknob and her ankle hits a rail but she doesn't hesitate. She passes her temporary room where all her stuff still resides and there is no real thought of cleaning it up in her head. She doesn't think about it but her feet know where to go by instinct. The monster in her chest is clawing to be let out and instead of doing what she usually does to calm it down she has turned to another familiarity. She hasn't put word to it yet. Her alcohol addled brain has yet to catch on. But her feet know the path she walks. An invisible force propels her on.

She can feel his presence in the hall before she actually sees him. She peers into the darkness intently and when he moves towards her, she catches his burning eyes as moonlight shines trough the open door of the bedroom. She is reminded of expression on his face when he, with blood down his chin, promised her they will get their revenge, growled it inches from her face. There was something primal in it. There is something primal in it now.

It is like he knew she will come. Like he waited for her. Like he expected her to turn up right there on top of the stairs.

Eva opens her mouth to say something. But what is there to say? If they were anyone else, she might say "Can you believe those muggles? Bastards! How could they do that to Harry?" And they might then discuss it and find creative curses for them. And they might talk about their own childhoods and reach some kind of closure. But they are not anyone else and there is nothing left to say. There is no need to discuss anything. Much less talk about themselves. They had already said everything years ago.

None of them says anything. But no words are needed. And this time she knows what will happen before it actually does. Sirius was right after all, that's how she dealt with her problems; drink and fuck. And in that aspect, they completed each other perfectly.

She can almost see things happening before they happen. She doesn't even try to cushion the blow as she is slammed into the wall. And he doesn't put his palm between her head and the wall either. To see his face, she has to look up as barefoot she is considerably shorter than him and when she catches sight of his dark eyes, boring into her with intensity of a thousand spells, her lower lip trembles. There is a moment that might be her breaking point. When it all comes back to consume her. She might break and scream and cry and melt into the floor and curse the world and succumb under the weight of her grief. It might just be that moment. But then she grits her teeth and focuses on his long fingers digging into her hipbones where she can already feel bruises forming. And the moment is over.

She raises on her toes and pulls him down roughly by the fabric of his shirt and their lips meet in a hard open-mouthed kiss. The ringing in her ears seems to finally be moving into the background. He responds by stepping between her feet and leaning his whole body against hers. Her hands travel up his chest and she buries them in his hair, pulling roughly. He is not gentle with her, has rarely been even in the past, and neither is she. They kiss, Eva couldn't say if it's passion, but with an emotion so raw she couldn't describe it. It is a battle of course and even their tongues are caught in it. It is always a battle with them. Even if neither knows what the prize is for winning or even how to win it.

Sirius' breath smells of firewhiskey and Eva knows hers must too. And she knows she must smell of the nervous sweat of the day from running around St Mungo's and the Ministry and Hogwarts. She is not in her best shape. Her robes are wrinkled and spilled on and the skin on her face has a shiny sheet over it but does it really matter? This is not some first date they are on.

His hands travel up her sides and over her back under her opened robe. His fingers catch a strip of skin between her pants and blouse. She shudders and her breath hitches. She has always found that moment when someone else's hand touches her naked skin for the first time, exhilarating. She kisses him with renewed vigour while wrestling out of her robe.

The robe drops to the floor and her hands grip his thin shoulders. He has put some muscle on in the last half a year, but he is still much too thin. She doesn't want to think about the reasons for his malnourishment and tries to chase the thought away. Still, her hands hold onto him a little tighter and maybe he notices it or maybe it's just a coincidence but his lips travel to her neck and when he sucks on that spot right below her hairline, Eva Marlowe is a goner. As her head falls back to expose more of her neck, there is no more space for depressed thoughts. Her neck has always been the most sensitive spot of her body.

It was rare she got to enjoy it though. Most men aren't really intuitive in what a woman likes, and some didn't get it even when she told them what she wanted. Sirius, though, he once upon a time knew all of her spots and it seems he hasn't forgotten them.

She hooks a knee around his waist, and he hoists her up, groaning at her weight, pulling her other leg around his waist so she is now level with him.

"Fuck, you're heavy," he mumbles against her lips, not breaking a kiss. She yanks on a fistful of his hair and he hisses in pain. "Bitch!"

"Bedroom."

He complies immediately and remarkedly doesn't drop her on her head as he staggers towards his bedroom under her weight. She has wind knocked out of her as she is unceremoniously dropped onto the bed on her back from a considerable height.

For a moment he stares at her as she lies on an unmade bed, her hair fanned around her head and her feet hanging over the bed. She thinks he might change his mind and just scoff at her, but the fact is they had long since passed the point of no return. Laying there she has no doubts. Rationally she knows, it will only bring her pain. He will not cease to hate her just because they fuck. And she is smart enough to know, that she cannot sleep with him and leave her emotions out if it. It is Sirius after all. She has twenty years of history with the man. All that has been left is raw emotion. But right then she needs this. She doesn't know why and what will it bring but her chest might just explode with something if he doesn't carry on. And that blasted ringing still hasn't stopped.

As if he heard her or maybe just saw desperation colouring her face, he peels off his t-shirt in one go, kneels on the bed and descends upon her with feverish kisses. She cannot recall it with clarity later but he somehow gets her out of her pants and flings her knickers on the floor. His hand reaches between her legs and she arches her back as he rubs two fingers inside her. It doesn't take her much to be ready.

There is no loving between them and when he ruthlessly thrusts into her, she thinks he does it with hatred. Or resentment. With something dark. He doesn't really look her in the eye so she cannot read him. Maybe she has lost the ability to do so anyway. Or he has changed so much, everything about him is unfamiliar. But she is certain there is nothing pretty about the way he pounds into her, slamming her back into the bed. And Eva, she revels in it. She arches her back and digs her heels into his back and lets herself go completely. She releases the reins she usually holds upon her body and soul and is left at his mercy to do with her whatever he wants. She practically claws at his naked chest and shoulders in her unconscious endless quest to be hugged and loved and close. She doesn't know if he understands it (but he must) that he could destroy her completely in that moment. It is not only her legs that are wide open. He complies only halfway or maybe to the extent that he cannot avoid it, letting her hold onto him. As she gets close to her climax, her hands fall down on the bed helplessly, gripping the bedsheets in her fists.

As far as sex goes there is nothing remarkable about it. It's short (well, the man has spent twelve years in Azkaban, not to mention they are both drunk) and not sweet at all. But he has never failed to bring her to her peak and the fact is that this time it doesn't take much for her to come. She was already high-strung when she crossed the threshold of Number 12 Grimmauld Place and with every step towards Sirius, the tension grew. Yes, she couldn't call it passion what they had but intensity was always there. Always when they were in the same room, even if they were as far away one from another as possible. They could never be indifferent to each other.

As the last spasm ripples through his body and he rests his forehead on her still clothed chest, her insides explode in release and the ringing in her ears finally stops and the only sounds left are their labored breathing. Eva continues to lie on her back, reveling in the blissful silence in her head. She is hardly aware when Sirius pulls out of her and rolls away from her. She stares at the celling, unseeing, for minutes or maybe hours. The feelings threatening to erupt from her chest have settled down. Empty. She is completely empty of everything.

When she finally comes to her senses, she is cold. Her toes are freezing. Her hands rest spread out, still lightly gripping the sheets that needed to be washed days ago. Her upper body is still clothed, sans her robe and from the waist down she is completely naked, everything on display if someone wanted to look, one of her legs outstretched and one bent at the knee like it has just fallen from around his waist even if Eva has no recollection of it. Disgust lurks at the edges of her consciousness. That same disgust she feels after she has fucked some nameless stranger in a dingy pub. It doesn't reach the empty space inside her though. It never does.

She gets up slowly. Sirius is sleeping, turned away from her but she barely dares to look. Afraid of what she might feel. Even more afraid, she won't feel anything. That it would be just the same as if she had picked up some random guy on the street. That he would do just as well for what she needed. That she had only managed to gather more complications and resentment for nothing. What had she wanted anyway?

Maybe she was wrong before. Maybe she can leave her emptions out of this. Because if that didn't make her feel anything, then what will? Maybe she is dead inside. Or maybe whatever they once had is so far removed, so buried in grief and hatred, so distorted, so far gone, that they really have become strangers. Is this all that is left of them? Meaningless sex after twenty years of friendship and love and guilt and betrayal and hate and dead friends and dead brothers and abused children?

The thought might pain her but she is empty and she feels nothing.

She puts on her pants, can't find her knickers and doesn't bother with her shoes. She doesn't even notice that she leaves the house barefoot.


"Oh, yes. Thank you, Molly. I completely forgot I left them here." True. "I've been looking for them all over the place." Lie. "Sorry about tripping." She lounges over Tonks to grab them but Molly holds them out of her reach like she is a disobedient child. She is left standing in an awkward position, with everybody once again looking at her.

"Oh. I thought you have moved out."

"I did. Right when you did." Molly frowns at her disbelievingly.

"Are you trying to tell me those shoes have been left there in the middle of the hall for the whole week'"

Eva shrugs.

"Well, who is going to pick them up? Kreacher won't touch my stuff and Sirius-" Sirius won't touch her stuff either apparently. Unless it's her stuff. Merlin when will they start pouring drinks? "Anyway, it's a good thing they have been found. I'll pack them with the rest of my things tonight."

"You still have all your things here?" Tonks asks with raised eyebrows and she is not the only one looking at her weirdly. Marlowe, shut up and stop digging even a bigger hole for yourself.

"So, what? I didn't have time to pick them up yet. For your information, I have been a murder suspect this whole week," she says defensively, plucks the shoes from Molly's hand and sits back down sullenly. Truth is, she couldn't make herself go back so she has bought a new toothbrush and has been reduced to wearing the only decent robe left in her wardrobe, Walburga's purple velvet robe.

Her prayers are finally answered as Dumbledore and Snape arrive to the meeting. She would take Snape's sullen sneer over this interrogation under Sirius' watchful eye any day.

The meeting is even more exhausting than usually as it involves her and her safety directly. Eva agrees to putting extra wards on her apartment but wants to hear nothing about abandoning her job. It's the only place where she's useful and they are all taking risks. Most of them far greater than she does.

She plans to leave right after the end of the meeting, but Tonks keeps her talking and suddenly there is a plate in front of her and she has somehow agreed to stay for dinner. At least the crowd has thinned out. The only ones left are all four Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, Tonks and for some reason Snape. And thankfully, someone has broken out the alcohol.

Merlin, if only she hadn't stayed.

Thinking about it later she realizes she hasn't really been in touch with her feelings these last few months. Probably hasn't been for the last fourteen years, actually. Oh, she feels guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. So much it nearly kills her. But her mind hadn't really linked this hateful broken man at the dinner table with the boy she once knew.

She has just returned from using the loo and is about to sit at the dinner table when she is surprised by a rare bark of laughter that sends chills down her spine. Whipping her head around she just catches a casual flick of black hair and the curtain drops. Her bubble bursts and everything that was muffled and hazy is suddenly loud and clear.

His grey eyes sparkle with laughter at something the oldest Weasley brothers are whispering to him, his chair tilted lazily on its back legs as he slaps a disapproving Remus on the back heartily.

"Moony, mate, you were always such a spoil sport."

She has no idea what they are talking about, probably about their Hogwarts years and pranks. It is fitting, though, as for a moment Eva feels she is right back there.

A glass full of firewhisky slips from her slack fingers and crashes to the floor, breaking into a thousand little pieces. She doesn't even look. She stares at Sirius in shock and he looks back at her, an eyebrow raised in a question. All she sees is a young boy, a teenager, flipping his hair out of his eyes (with grace she could never hope to achieve), rocking back in his chair, joking with his friends. Her eyes tingle suspiciously and her chest feels tights. She breaths like she has just ran a marathon. She can't lose it here.

There is talking and scraping of the chairs from all around but it's like it is all coming from a distance.

"Eva? What's wrong?" Remus' worried voice reaches her through the fog.

"I- I- I forgot," she manages to stutter, her voice full of wonder and heartbreak.

"You forgot what?"

"That I- That I have to go."

Remus lets her off the hook for the moment although he must know that was not what she meant. Remus probably knows her better that she knows herself. Oh, dear Merlin, Remus. She still hadn't talked to him. Not really. Her drugged ramblings didn't count for nothing.

And Sirius… She forgot. He is not just a man she wronged. That man, sallow, wasted, broken… She forgot he is the boy that used to make her laugh. She forgot that he is the boy that used to help her with Transfiguration homework. She forgot that he is the boy that became an illegal animagus just so he could be with his friend at his darkest hour. That man, hating her, resenting her, trying to hurt her any way possible… She forgot he is a boy that could make her spitting mad in one second and making out in another. She forgot he is a boy that zig-zagged around the quidditch pitch with his best friend laughing without a care in the world. She forgot he is a boy that dared wink at her in the middle of Professor McGonagall's class just to see her roll her eyes at him. That man, a shell of a human being… She forgot that he is a boy that threw her over his shoulder when he deemed her as being difficult. She forgot that he is a boy that pelted her with snowballs and rolled her around in the first snow of the year until she was either ready to strangle him or fall in love with him. That man, behind bars for twelve years… She forgot he is a boy she once loved. She forgot. She forgot. She forgot.

She forgot all about him. Eva puts her palm over her mouth. She might just puke. She needs to get out of that house. Right now! She takes no notice as glass shreds crunch under her boots and chair loudly crashes to the floor in her haste to leave.

"Eva, dear, what is the matter?" Molly rushes to her side and she is not alone as a variety of worried faces descend upon her. She feels claustrophobic. She needs a drink. Badly.

"Nothing. Nothing. I just… remembered something." She tries to control her voice and her face but she can still see alarmed faces. She is not lying either as more and more memories assault her. Memories she has locked away into her subconscious and threw away the key. Funny how a single flip of the hair could bring it all back.

That boy, almost innocent, but not quite, goofing at the Gryffindor table with his friends. The same man, spewing poison, trying to hurt her where he knows she will bleed. That boy, catching her around the waist and kissing her until she was dizzy from his kisses. The same man pounding into her with no love left in his heart. That boy, that loved his best friend, his brother, more than his own life. The man that betrayed his brother, not brother in blood but in life, his wife and his baby to the most evil wizard in the history. To the embodiment of all that he hated. All that he was raised to believe.

Merlin, what had she done? Selfish bitch! Without Lily, you really are nothing. And she couldn't save you either because you forgot about her too, didn't you? How could you?

She grips her head between her palms, pushing at the sides of her head until it hurts. She really needs a drink. She doesn't even realize she has said it out laud but somebody pushes a glass into her hand. She downs a firewhisky in a single go and then starts backing away.

"I really need to go now." There is a panicked urgency in her voice. Somehow, she already knows it is all hopeless. The Pandora's box has been opened.

There are voices all around her and various hands, touching her, becoming her, comforting her. A large, warm hand holds her elbow. She would recognize it anytime.

Oh, Remus. Along with Sirius she forgot about him too. Buried down everything, every single train of thought that could lead her to thinking about the boy that she thought had betrayed her.

How could you? How could you forget all about them all? How could you forget Lily? How could you forget how you loved that boy? That boy without a home? How could you forget that his only family were his friends? How could you think he would betray them? How could you think even for a moment he would sell out that baby, he held so lovingly in his arms?

His Prongslet… Lily's exasperated but loving smile as she sees James, who is supposed to be watching over Harry, snoring on the couch and Sirius pacing the living room with Harry in his arms…

She doubles over in pain, holding a trembling hand over her mouth. She rips herself away from comforting hands and stumbles up the stairs. She needs to get away. But it's too late. All too late.

All those memories, she has been actively pushing away, burying deep down, not allowing herself to examine them, have come back to haunt her. The monster in her chest, that she had been mollifying, that she had kept occupied, has finally erupted with unprecedented violence, ripping her apart. She can't catch her breath.

# # #

A boy smiles at her, showing a dimple in his right cheek.

# # #

A girl declares herself her friend with ferocity of a real lioness.

# # #

"You are angry with him."

"I am not angry."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm not. He is dead. You can't be angry with a dead man."

"Of course, you can. And you are. Say it! Just say it already!"

"What do you want me to say?! That I hate him? Do you want me to say I hate him? Because I do! I hate him! I HATE HIM! How could you do this to me, Jonathan? How could you abandon me? How could you?"

At twelve Lily Evans can recognize emotion where most adults can't. Her compassion is her greatest strength. And her greatest weakness. She holds onto it till the end.

# # #

Eva sits at the windowsill, watching the grounds bathed in the light of the full moon. She might know something terrible about a boy in her class. She will say nothing though. Not even to the only friend she has at school, a lovely redhead that sits at the windowsill of another window, watching the grounds with equal anxiety until the early hours of the morning. It is five years until either says anything and even then, the circumstances are drastic. That's the loyalty Remus Lupin inspires.

# # #

Regulus Black resembles his older brother most when he smiles. The same dimple appears in his right cheek. The feelings it raises in Eva Marlowe are different though. Almost motherly. All she wants is to protect the boy. She is doomed to failure from the very beginning.

# # #

"Marlowe! Me and Prongs are making a spectacular prank. You want in?"

"Why do you need me for?" she asks suspiciously.

"We could use a woman's touch." His eyes sparkle mischievously, and Eva can't help herself. That boy is trouble. But she is drawn to trouble.

# # #

A heartbroken howl rips itself from her chest. She hasn't felt anything real for the last fourteen years. She can't take all this.

"Eva? What is it? Are you hurt?" A worried motherly voice is trying to draw her out. A strand of red hair swims into her vision and her heart skips a beat. It is all wrong. The color and the texture are all wrong. But maybe… She needs her.

"Lily, Lily… Lily, please…"

"It's Molly, dear. Remember?" She remembers. She just hoped for one moment.

"Lily," she sobs with her whole body, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. What she would give for Lily's tender smile, her gentle hand on her cheek, her compassionate emerald irises…

"Are you hurt?"

Is she hurt? She bleeds through every pore of her body. Nothing can stop the flood.

# # #

"Eva?" She has no idea how Peter Pettigrew came to be frantically shaking her shoulder in the middle of the night in the girl's dorm. She is not all that surprised though. "You have to come! James is hurt. We can't go to the infirmary. You're the best in class in healing." She doesn't hesitate. She doesn't comment on the deep wound that is clearly caused by a sharp claw. She is relieved it was not caused by teeth. Sirius gives her a dark searching look when she has patched James up to the best of her abilities but doesn't voice his demand for her to keep quiet about this. She would have slapped him if he even suggested she might rat them out. And he knew it too.

# # #

A hand reaches around her waist and Eva would never admit it but she giggles as he spins her into his arms, dropping hot kisses down her neck.

# # #

An ominous shade clings to Lily Evans like sand to wet skin. Sha hasn't taken her so called break-up with Severus Snape very well. She currently is not on speaking terms with most of her class. Eva Marlowe, who doesn't really like to discuss her feelings, is the only company she can tolerate. It is just as well for Eva.

Lily's dark mood, though, doesn't bid well for James, Sirius and Peter who have settled themselves at the same table in the common room in obvious attempt to make some kind of amends. None of the girls says anything though as Remus, looking like he has gone a few rounds with a troll, joins them at the table.

"Remus just came back from his grandmother's funeral," James jumps in immediately even if neither Lily nor Eva have inquired about his whereabouts. Honestly, Eva feels a little insulted, they feel the need to lie so blatantly into their faces when they haven't even asked anything. Lily doesn't take it sitting down. Not anymore. She is sick of all the pretence.

"Oh, really? Your grandmother died?" Lily asks with such sickly-sweet voice that it puts them on alert immediately. "My sincerest condolences, Remus." Lily's voice has never been less sincere. "For the fifth death of your grandmother. Or was it sixth? It's so hard to keep count, isn't it?" Remus looks as pale as a sheet and Eva feels sorry for him. "I do hope she stays dead this time." With this Lily slams her book shut and storms off. Four pairs of astonished eyes turn to Eva and she knows it's up to her to make it or break it.

"She might be a bit ticked off that you feel the need to lie to her face. And so freaking badly at that. And frankly so am I. Do you take us all for idiots or something? The least you could do, is make up some believable excuses. And not lie when we didn't even ask you where Remus was. If you would think back, you might remember we have not asked you where Remus was since first year. Not to mention, if we, the two of us, haven't been making believable excuses behind your backs for the last five years, everybody and their uncle would have already figured out your growly little secret, Lupin."

Poor Remus looks like he is waiting for his execution and Sirius seems about ready to jump down her throat and demand her silence. Instead of waiting for Remus to pass out or Sirius to oblivate her, she gets on her feet, closes the distance to Remus, grabs him by his tie and snogs him in full view of the whole common room.

"If I wasn't clear; Lupin, I'm not afraid of you. And neither is Lily. Although I wouldn't hold my breath for a snog from her."

# # #

They are like light and darkness, so very different, James Potter and Sirius Black, but still apart they are only boys, together they are a force to be reckoned. They belong together. They are parts of a whole. And she cannot stand it anymore. Cannot stand to look at them to be apart from each other.

"Leave them alone. What do you care?" Lily wonders, even if she herself feels like something monumental has changed in the universe.

"Why are you telling me this, Marlowe? Why do you want me to forgive him? What do you care?" James never looks at her the same after that night.

Even at fifteen, Eva Marlowe knows, James might survive it, Sirius never can. And despite everything she loves that boy.

# # #

Eva thinks she might be sick. How? How could this happen? Gid and Fabian… So much life in both of them… "He- He was my first kiss. I- I can't-"

"They will pay. I promise they will pay. We will fight back," he tells her, his eyes burning feverishly. "Here, Ogden's finest. Drink." And she does.

He fucks her against the sink that night. Until she can finally function like a person again. Or something.

Their seventh year is coming to an end. Next week they will all be members of the Order of the Phoenix.

# # #

"I will never join them!" Sirius spits in contempt, his eyes burning. "I'll fight. I'll fight against Voldemort and Death Eaters until the end. Until they are dead or I am. I am nothing like my family no matter what they say."

"I know, Sirius. You don't have to prove it to anyone." Eva is scared to see how far he might go. She is terrified.

# # #

"Eva? It's me. It's Tonks. What do you need?" What does she need? To die? To be knocked out? To not feel anything? Lily? She wants Lily. So badly. Any other day she might feel guilty for wanting Lily instead of Tonks. But not this day. Her hands claw on thin air trying to hold onto something steady and when her fingers grip onto a pair of forearms she holds onto them like they are her lifeline. "What do you need me to do?"

"I haven't- I haven't felt… anything- anything for years… not since… fourteen years…," she wheezes out between sobs, hardly realizing what she's saying.

Tonks and Molly look at each other with their own tears in their eyes. The women have been left to their own devices as soon as the men figured they couldn't really handle to look at her tears, claiming it was decent not to crowd her too much.

"Evie…" Her knees buckle and as they hit the hard stone floor, Tonks goes down with her friend. Eva never lets go of her forearms, even when her whole body is one big shaking mess, she doesn't let go. She needs something to ground her as she rocks back and forth crying so hard, she can hardly catch any air. Her cries are coming from somewhere deep within her soul and she doesn't know if she will ever be able to stop.

Nymphadora Tonks, who has not so long ago, felt jealous of the woman, wishes desperately for Lily Potter's presence. Because Lily, she would know what to do. She would know the right words to say. She would know how to comfort her friend. Tonks has never met the woman but from the way people talk about Lily Potter, she kind of wishes she came to comfort her too.

Tonks has no idea how to help Eva. All she can do, is sit there on the cold hard floor, offering her hands to hold on to.

# # #

Lily's smile is loving as she puts her baby in Eva's arms for the first time. "Don't go around dropping my son the way you drop everything else, Clumsy."

Eva doesn't hear her. She is too busy loving that baby.

# # #

A lit cigarette hangs from Sirius' mouth as he tinkers with his motorcycle in scorching heat of mid-July while Eva stands above him drinking cold beer from the bottle, trying to lure him to the shade, her blouse half unbuttoned. A heart-stopping smile crosses his face, distracting her as he steals a bottle from her hands, drinks her beer and then throws her over his shoulder fireman style. Eva shrieks with laughter.

# # #

A night of drinking and debauchery leads James Potter and Sirius Black crashing right into the bed, where she had been peacefully sleeping. Eva, annoyed, yanks her pillow from James' grabby hands but softens when he pouts in his sleep. He is in for a hell of a day when Lily shows up and Eva tenderly removes his glasses from his face.

# # #

The memories keep assaulting her with no mercy. The bad ones she might be able to take. But the good ones, the loving ones, those are the worst.

# # #

A cake sits on the kitchen table, baiting her with its perfectly frosted number one. Eva stands by the table, her tears falling onto the tabletop.

"Are you crying?" Sirius is looking at her confused. She rarely cries.

"No," she denies it, her voice clearly thick with tears.

"Eva? What's wrong? Is the cake not the way you wanted it? I'm sure it will be good anyway," he says carefully. This is not his first cake-crisis.

"It's perfect. The cake is perfect," she sobs and when he sees beautifully frosted number one, it hits him too.

"But Harry will never see it." The Potters are in hiding.

"It's stupid. He wouldn't remember it anyway but-" Sirius draws her into his strong arms. He gets it.

# # #

"You're angry with me," Sirius remarks. He is laying on the sofa and Eva is sitting at his side, cleaning his wounds in silence, avoiding his eyes.

"I'm not angry."

"You sure seem angry to me." She stays quiet. He sits up suddenly, gripping her wrist. "What do you want me to do? Not fight? Not help when somebody is in danger?" he asks heatedly. She finally looks up, her eyes full of unshed tears.

"I'm not angry, Sirius. Terrified. I'm terrified. Because I was there too, remember? I saw what happened. And you had other options. You didn't have to throw yourself in front of that spell. But you were reckless. Like always. Sometimes I think you have a death wish. So, no, I'm not angry. Just scared shitless."

# # #

Eva stands at the open window, enjoying the light spring breeze when the baby sitting at her hip claps excitedly at the sight of the approaching motorcycle. Eva laughs at Harry's excitement. Sirius flashes his pearly whites their way as he disembarks his bike and flicks his hair away from his face.

"You do know there are no schoolgirls around here? And I won't fall for that trick," she yells teasingly.

"That's what you think. They all fall for it."

"Harry certainly won't fall for it. All he cares about is if you brought him some food?"

"More food? He already ate all the breadcrumbs we didn't clean up in the flat."

"We might not want to mention this to Lily and James if we ever want to babysit again."

Sirius laughs at this and then disappears around the corner. Eva looks at Harry only to find him already studying her face.

"You see right through me, don't you? You won't but I have already fallen for it. Long gone. What can I say, I always had a soft spot for damaged boys with pretty smiles."

# # #

And what has become of that smile? What has become of that dimple in his right cheek? What did she do? How could she? How could she forget about that smile? How could she think that boy betrayed his best friend? How could she think that boy betrayed her? How? How could she?

And that's all she keeps repeating amongst her heart-breaking vails. How could I? How could I? How could I?

If Eva Marlowe had any awareness of a strange assortment of men that had been left in the basement kitchen, listening to her heartbreaking wails, she would laugh. All the Weasley men have left, leaving only Sirius, Remus and to both of their astonishment, Severus Snape at the same table. Sirius mostly stares into his glass like it has all the answers, Remus sits opposite his friend, glowering at him and Severus sits as far away from them as possible, choosing to stare at the wall, completely ignoring the other two.

"What did you do to her?" Remus barks, mostly because he needs to get his mind off the image of her doubled over in agony and while the only thing filling the silence are her cries, he has no chance of doing that. Sirius looks at him surprised.

"Me? I didn't do anything."

"Don't give me that crap!"

"I didn't! You saw, I wasn't even talking to her."

"What did you do?" Remus yells.

"Nothing she didn't want," Sirius finally snaps and there is nothing further he needs to say. Remus grits his teeth.

"You just couldn't keep it in your pants, could you?"

"She came to me."

"Of course, she did."

"Besides that has nothing to do with this." Sirius points towards the thick ceiling that cannot drown out her cries. Remus snorts in disbelief.

"Keep telling this to yourself." Sirius glares at him but says nothing.

It's nearly two hours of constant cries, when Molly enters the kitchen, surprised to see the strange trio. She had thought they had disappeared as soon as humanly possible.

"Molly, how is she?" asks Remus, walking towards her. Molly shakes her head sadly. She looks like she has aged ten years in the last hour.

"Not well, poor girl. I only came for a glass of water. She is completely dehydrated."

"I can give her something," Snape suggests, speaking for the first time since dinner ended so spectacularly. "To calm her."

Molly shakes her head pensively.

"I don't think that's a good idea. At least not yet."

Snape raises an eyebrow inquiringly and even Remus frowns at this.

"Why not? I think it would help her, Molly."

Molly seems to hesitate, giving Sirius a strange sad look.

"It's just… She said she hadn't felt anything in fourteen years." The words ring in all of their ears in the silence that follows. "And I think we should let her feel instead of drugging her because it's hard to listen to her cries."

"You're right, Molly," Remus agrees with a lump in his throat. "Has she- Has she said anything else?"

"Called for Lily." All three men flinch at this. "Otherwise… How could I? How could I? That's what she keeps muttering. How could I? Over and over again."

Molly leaves, not seeing Remus' suddenly pale face. He sits back down, putting his head in his hands.

"Moony? What is it?"

"Why do you keep punishing her, Sirius?" he asks desperately. "Do you even know? You used to love that girl. Do not deny it. I know you did. And they say you always hurt the ones you love but when will enough be enough?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You have forgiven me, haven't you? Or was that a lie?"

"Forgiven you what?"

"Thinking you were a traitor."

"That very second I saw you at the Shrieking Shack," Sirius declares passionately.

"And her? Why can't you do the same to her?"

"I- I'm not blaming her for that."

"Really? Have you told her that? Because if you did, maybe it wouldn't all come out like this." He waves his hand in direction of her unceasing cries. "She would still blame herself yes, but maybe a little part of her would have been soothed."

"Are you saying all this is about…"

"How could I? I ask myself this every day."

"Moony, you can't still blame yourself for that. You couldn't have known. You thought I was their Secret Keeper and they were betrayed. It was the only possible explanation, that I betrayed them."

"And I tell myself this every morning so I can get out of bed."

"Moony…"

"So, I ask again, when will enough be enough? When will she pay her dues in your eyes?" Sirius looks away.

"I don't know. I don't. Maybe never."

Remus nods resignedly like that's exactly the answer he expected and then leaves after Molly, leaving Sirius and Snape alone in the kitchen.

Sirius rubs his forehead with his palm. Merlin, he wishes she stopped, his head is about to explode. He is almost surprised when he catches Snape's eye. He has all but forgotten about the other man's presence.

"What are you still doing here, Snape?" Snape raises an eyebrow at him.

"What are you still doing here?"

"I live here, remember?"

"You could have moved to the upper floors and used a silencing charm if you wanted to." They both know it's true. "So, what is it, that keeps you here, Black?"

What is it, that keeps him there? Hell, if he knows. The fact is that he has never been indifferent to her. He has hated her and loved her and resented her and wanted for her and despised her and admired her. But he couldn't not care. She was part of him. Part of his past.

And what keeps Severus Snape there? Lily, of course. Always Lily.


Remus sits on the bottom stairs watching the women congregated in the middle of the entry hall. Mrs. Black's portrait thankfully remains silent. He doesn't remember Eva Marlowe ever looking so small before. She is a tall woman and her inability to keep her mouth shut has always made her seem even bigger. Right now she looks pitiful, curled deep within herself, clinging to Tonks' arms, her body shaking with weeps, crying herself literally sick. He is not sure how much more of this her body can take. He hopes with all his might, she passes out soon or they will be forced to drug her anyway.

Tonks, no trace of the carefree girl in sight, looks like she is in pain herself. And she must be, sitting there on the floor for hours. She shows no signs of letting go though. Molly, knitting like a woman possessed, sits close still but on a hard-backed chair, watching over them, sniffling occasionally and looking exhausted.

"Molly, you're tired. You don't have to stay. There's plenty of us here. We'll watch over her," Remus offers. Molly gives him a pensive look but doesn't stop her knitting.

"My daughter, she's like that, too. Holding everything close to her heart. She hasn't cried over what happened in her first year. Not once. Just put on a brave face and moved on. I hope when she does, a kind soul holds her hand and sits with her."

Remus doesn't offer again.

It's a while before Eva's wails first become infrequent and then finally die out and her grip on Tonks slackens.

"I have known her since she was eleven. I've never seen her like this."

"I have," Sirius volunteers. Remus hasn't even noticed he has joined them. "Once. After Marley."

"McKinnon?"

"Yeah. She was with her when Marlene found her family dead. Slaughtered. Her parents. Her brothers. Her little sister."

"Merlin."

"McKinnon went after Voldemort herself. Mad with grief." Sirius laughs mirthlessly. He hasn't failed to notice parallels to his own life. Only he went to prison and Marley got killed. "Marlowe went with her. For back-up or trying to stop her. I don't know. Voldemort killed her himself." Marlene died in Eva's arms. "We were confined to a safe house then for the night. Lily and James and me and Eva." There was no alcohol and no chance to have her brains fucked into mush. "And she lost it completely."

It was Lily then, who held her and comforted her. Lily, who let Sirius off the hook. Lily, to whom Eva gladly gravitated in her time of distress. And Sirius was glad that he could sit on the couch with James, exchanging uncomfortable looks at the sight of a girl's tears.

What was it that she said? I wasn't allowed to grieve. I wasn't allowed to cry.

And as they all stand and sit around the hall, feeling drained but relieved that she has finally fallen asleep and waiting for something to happen, Sirius realizes it is up to him. There's no Lily now. No Lily, only him. And at the end of it all, she is his. She is his to take care. It doesn't really matter everything that happened. It doesn't matter how much they sometimes hate each other. It doesn't matter what she had done. Or what he had done. She is his. Not even in a sense, a lover would be his. Or a girlfriend. Or a friend. Or family. She just is his.

He pushes off the wall and crouches at her backside. Tonks gives him a look but is too tired to feel any surprise. He reaches for Eva's shoulder, turning her towards him. Her face, swollen and clammy from tears and sweat, slumps to one side and he pushes her wet matted hair away from her cheek. She was always an ugly crier. Not that he has seen her cry much.

Even in her unconsciousness, her breath still hitches in short shallow gasps like she is still crying inside. Like her body has given out but her soul can't stop. Sirius sighs heavily, carefully maneuvering one of his hands under the middle of her back and looping his other hand beneath her knees. Even with Tonks giving her back a boost it's not an easy feat getting on his feet with a grown woman in his arms.

Severus Snape, who has come to investigate, feels a grudging respect for his archenemy. He admits, at least to himself, that his hands were about to fall off on that first night, when Eva came back to the Order and he was the unfortunate fellow forced to catch her in his arms after he dosed her with Calming Drought. Eva Marlowe is not a small woman. Nor particularly thin. Despite what Molly might claim, she has a decently sized arse and a pair of rounded thighs. Lily was always petite, and Severus remembers the pair of them from Hogwarts. They were a strange sight. Eva was always at least a head taller and sometimes looked like a giant besides the redhead. As a grown-up she is still taller than any woman Snape knows. Black, though, who even after six months of regular meals, looks like a child might break him in two, manages to haul her in his thin arms and even if her head and one of her hands is dropping like she's a rag doll, Snape considers it a remarkable feat.

"What are you doing, Sirius?" Remus asks tonelessly for he too is exhausted.

"I'll take her upstairs. She'll sleep through the night."

"You will?" Sirius gives his friend a look that seems to convey his answer but doesn't stop his trek upstairs.

She is his.

Author's note: It has been a while since my last update… I was mostly busy going on holidays and partying every weekend so I really had no time to write… Besides, I wanted this chapter to be special not just thrown together… I'm not really sure I succeeded… I could always do better… Anyways, there are parts in this chapter I have wanted to write since the beginning of the story and I am quite attached to them… hope you liked them…