I'm not that cruel... or am I?


Balance chp 17: Torturous Thoughts

Connor had a massive headache as he came around. He went to touch his head but found he couldn't, his hands were being restrained. He kept his eyes closed as he sniffed the air and strained his ears. He could smell cardboard and wood, mingled with flesh and a nasty smell he knew belonged to the creatures that had attacked them. He could hear them shuffling about, their robes swishing slightly along the floor. He could hear metal being set down on wood and someone humming softly to their self. The voice sounded horribly familiar. He dared open his eyes and saw the one person he really did not want to see.

"Ah you're up, good." said Daniel as he looked at him. Connor was very confused, he'd seen Daniel only a few days ago. Then he quickly realised that this was The First he was seeing, not the man who'd raised him. He also realised that he was chained to a wall by the wrists and ankles. Not a good situation to be in.

"Where am I?" he asked angrily. A bringer hit him across the face and Daniel said calmly,

"Mind your tone Steven!" Connor's head snapped back up and he retorted

"My name is Connor!"

"To Angel and those others you are, but in the end you'll always be my son, Steven, you'll always be the Destroyer of Qour-Toth and the bringer of death." Connor flinched, he hated that he was known as a destructive creature, he'd wanted to get away from it for so long, but fighting was all he knew. Still he denied it.

"You're lying!"

"Am I? Come now Steven, you can't deny that killing, and bringing pain is all you're good at, you bring pain to everyone, demons, Fred, Gunn, Cordelia, Angel, me, Calista! You just can't stop giving in to your demon side, drawing you away from God, going against God's plan."

"What are you talking about?" Connor demanded. Daniel just turned away and the bringers moved in with many nasty looking tools. Connor sighed softly to himself as he looked at the retreating back of his father.

"Same old, same old with you isn't it?" and before his world exploded in a world of pain, he heard a faint.

"Yes."


"So if the rouge didn't have a hand in Connor's existence then did the Powers?" asked Angel as he took a sharp right. Connacht scoffed,

"That lot? Have a hand in creating a child of vampires when they couldn't get rid of the last batch quick enough? No chance. Nope it wasn't the Powers." Angel hurried up a street and then paused, "What did you lose it?"

"No I just realised we could have taken the car." Connacht gave him an, 'are you stupid?' look

"Angel I can't even sit on a table, much less ride a car!" Angel sighed and continued on. As he got closer, well he assumed it was closer, the tugging got stronger and although he couldn't actually feel it, he knew Connor was in pain.

"So if the Powers, the rouge or you didn't create Connor, who did?"

"Angel, tell me you know the birds and the bees!"

"I am not in the mood for jokes!"

"Ok, ok, easy. Look to be honest I don't know what it is. All I know is that it's the most powerful thing in all dimensions, it's ageless, it's benevolent, it's everything, in everything." Angel paused and looked at him,

"Are you saying that there is a-"

"Angel! You're crying." Connacht pointed to his face, frowning. Angel wiped his face and his fingers came off wet. His forehead creased in confusion.

"These aren't mine." he whispered

"Connor?"

"Must be." Angel rubbed his thumb against his finger feeling the wetness left behind by the tears. He looked up at Connacht, "If the Powers didn't create Connor, why did they create Calista?"

"Because they see the past and the future, they saw he was coming…" Connacht trailed off as his eyes became glazed with thought. After a few moments, he met Angel's eyes again, "Hang on, what if it wasn't the Powers at all, sure they believe it was them and they may have set it up but… what if the same thing that created Connor, created Calista, the balance. Connor and Calista are the balance, that's what soul mates are, they balance each other off. The All must have some reason for creating them but I don't know what it is."

"Is the All not a Wiccan term for the God and Goddess?"

"Look I don't honestly know ok! I am merely using the word All to keep my head straight, or at the very least parallel to the ground." Angel sighed and was about to continue on when the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Connacht was looking behind Angel at something that was probably not going to be a nice old lady selling ice-cream.


Connor fell to his knees, panting, as the bringers released him from the wall. He was exhausted from the torture. His stomach was aching from the hot pokers slammed into it, and his face felt like it had been split in two. His chest was dripping with blood from all the wounds. His legs were badly bruised, but still unbroken, apparently his bones were stronger then the bringers had thought. Daniel came over and began to speak to him again.

"All your life has been devoted to causing pain. Slaughtering demons, failing me, lashing out at Calista, abandoning her, sinking Angel to the bottom of the ocean, betraying Fred and Gunn. You truly are the damnation of hell."

"You're a liar, you always were!" spat Connor angrily, the bringers grabbed his arms and pulled them together, tying them by the wrists.

"No I always told you the truth, it was you who lied. You lied to me, you lied to Angel, you lied to Fred and Gunn and you lied to Calista."

"I never lied to her!"

"Oh! Are you sure?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'll leave you to realise the truth, for now I want to talk to you about you. Your creation. Born of darkness to bring darkness, that was what God said of you. You were created of demon hatred, born of revulsion, God delivered you to me so I could try to save your mortal life, even though you would always be damned, for being their son." Connor shuddered, he was always told he was damned for hell, simply because of Angel and Darla and what they were. The bringers tied a long rope that was attached to the roof on a pulley to his wrists. Then another one pulled the other end. Connor rose up off the ground and was suspended from the roof by his arms. His shoulders immediately began screaming their displeasure. "I always tried my best to help you, maybe even destroy the demon in you so you'd be free to walk in God's light, but no, you refused my help, too busy indulging yourself in Calista. Then you abandoned her, even though she was carrying your children, to the cold heartless world, just like you Steven."

"You were more of a demon then I ever will be!" shouted Connor furiously before he could stop himself. "You beat me, you left me all alone when I was five to force me to learn, you filled my head with lies and twisted truths."

"I did what I thought best."

"You did to me what you wanted to do to Angel, but you knew doing it to me was even better because I was Angel's son, and you knew he loved me more then anything!" Connor shouted, his anger flaring within him, all the years of pain suffered at the hands of this man was fuelling his emotions and helping him block out all pain as he glared at Daniel. Suddenly there was a crack and his back screamed with pain. Connor barely flinched to it though, as he took the one thing he cherished from Qour-Toth, his ability to block out all pain. The whip dug into his skin, tore it from his back, but he never took his eyes off of Daniel. But all the while his mind was in a panic, trying to find a way to deny the words, but he kept coming up empty. He kept coming back to the simplicity of the fact that, he, Connor, was a demon hell child, destined to pay for all the pain caused by his parents, that he was by nature, evil. He'd done so many evil things, things he'd deemed necessary, but he'd been kidding himself, none of it had been necessary, not if it was evil. He'd tricked and lied to everyone, he'd gone against God's plan. He'd cause so much pain to everyone. He really was evil. Connor couldn't help it, but in fear, pain and mourning he began to cry silent tears.


The First watched Connor's eyes as they showed his tormented thoughts and the hope fading from him. It was beautiful to watch. It marvelled at how well the boy was able to ignore the pain of the whips, of how they cut into his skin, tearing it off. Suddenly it watched as a tear rolled down Connor's cheek, followed by another and another. It was amused, it had done very little to break Connor, the boy had done it himself, his own head was filled with enough to crush him like an avalanche, all The First had to do was knock loose those first few pebbles. It was quite ironic; such a strong person breaks himself. It knew that Angel would soon break through the defence of its bringers, so it had to finish this. On its silent command Connor was released and he fell to his knees, bending over in a kind of bow to it. He was shaking and his back was now in bits. His legs were bleeding heavily and his backside was probably so sore he'd never sit right again. Not that he would ever have a chance, no The First Evil couldn't risk such a danger go on living. It kneeled close to Connor to whisper in his ear,

"You know what you are now don't you? You're a monster, an evil thing that doesn't deserve to live, so guess what my son, I am going to spare you the pain of living in this world any longer." Connor looked up at it and it was amazed at the intensity of his eyes, such pretty eyes. They were full of agony, resignation, tears and terror. As much as Connor wanted it all to stop, he was still terrified of death. The First almost regretted having to do this, it would have liked to see what else it would find in those big blue eyes.

"Father?" the boy whimpered, his mind now very lost and confused. It smiled at him,

"Relax my boy soon it will all be over." The bringers picked him up none to gently and pulled him towards his end. "Tell me Steven, do you know what a brazen bull is?" The boy's face was bewildered. "Well don't worry you'll know all about it soon enough." They walked to a brass box with the head of a bull on it. It was roughly the size of a standard coffin, with a lid on top that had been removed already. It was suspended above a great kindling, unlit… for now. Connor didn't know what it was but he clearly knew it was bad because he began to struggle hard, but he was just too exhausted. They lifted him up and laid him on his back in the box, tying him down to it. He whimpered again not liking this at all, but he was just too tired to fight it, too weary of fighting at all. The First stared down at him, fighting to hide its glee. The bringers slowly, almost agonizingly, closed the lid and locked it down. Another lit the fire underneath the box. One could hear noises like a furious bull coming from it already, the boy was afraid of being locked in a place so small. Well he would definitely forget about that once the brass got red hot and he was slowly roasted alive.


Ok maybe I am evil, hee hee.

Night's Darkness