I remember

1979

She can't eat. She hasn't eaten since Thursday and it's almost Sunday now. Lily's apple tart is delicious, her favourite, but she can't bear to smell it right now. Not when her stomach is a tight hot coil of nerves. Her anxiety has not escaped Lily Evans, who keeps giving her worried glances as she observes her tightly clasped hands. Lily patiently waits for Eva to tell her why she has been sleeping on her couch for the last two nights. Even James has lifted his eyebrows in curiosity at the immovable lump that seems to be in the same position whenever he comes home or wanders into the living room in the morning, clad only in his underwear. Mostly he looks questioningly at his fiancée who can only shrug helplessly. And cluelessly. For Eva has hardly said a word since she has claimed her spot on the couch two days ago. She can't speak. She can't breathe.

"He…" Her voice cracks from disuse when she finally speaks, startling Lily from her book. "He got the mark." She stares at the wall, not looking at her friend.

"Who?"

"Regulus."

Lily frowns. "Eva, he got the mark a few years ago."

"Yes, but he was still at Hogwarts then. What use was he to You Know Who? He was only a little boy with an ugly tattoo. And I thought he will come to his senses when it came down to actually doing something, but… He graduated. On Thursday. And now he's out there in the real world. But he's still a child. A bloody child. And I thought I could…" She trails off, her heavy red rimmed eyes finally finding Lily's sympathetic and sad emeralds.

"You thought you could turn him around? That you were enough to… Just enough…" Lily sounds sad. And resigned. The only person in the world that knows exactly how she feels. She wasn't enough either.

"I thought I can just nudge him in the right direction. That if I just show him kindness and another perspective, a shelter, and a way out…" She had so many delusions. She had imagined how he comes to her for help, and she takes him over to Sirius. And they reconcile. And she and Sirius help him. He could stay with them for a while. She had this whole scenario in her head. She was so certain; she couldn't imagine it happening any other way. "I should have just let him go. Sirius was right, but I didn't listen. I hid all my interactions with Regulus from him. I thought I will prove him wrong, save his brother. That I could make a difference… Merlin, I can't tell Sirius. I just can't be the one to tell him."

"Oh, Eva… You opened up your heart and you got burnt. But still, don't regret it. You gave him a chance; you did everything you could. But you can't decide for him. We are only responsible for our own actions, not anyone else's," Lily says wisely. Her voice is sad though.

Eva gives her a searching look. "Like you don't feel responsible?"

Lily smiles. "Do as I say, not as I do. Now, budge. Let's drink some wine."

# # #

The young receptionist at the St. Mungo's admitting counter, fully engrossed in a magazine, smacks her gum loudly, immune to Healer Marlowe's periodic glares over the chart she is filling out. A row of people in front of the counter is starting to get alarmingly long and impatient, and when the insolent girl, blows a bubble with her gum, Eva snatches the magazine out of her hands irately.

"You are not paid to read gossip magazines!" Eva snaps at her and then stalks of, when the girl only rolls her eyes, turning to the row in front of her counter lazily.

Eva grumbles under her breath all the way to the Surgery ward. Merlin, she has turned into a nagging old lady.

On the way, she gets intercepted by Healer Pye, who needs a consult and then later it is time for rounds followed by an emergency, so it is a good four hours later that she finally remembers there are still charts to be finished. Picking them up, she throws a dirty look at the witch behind the counter, even if the shift has changed (and normal people go home when their shift ends).

Quill poised to start the tedious task of filling out the medical history of her currently youngest patient, she looks down and drops the quill in shock. Harry's face smiles up at her from her charts. She stares. And stares some more. What is Harry's face doing in her charts? She stands there in the middle of the waiting room, transfixed. Harry's face turns downwards, then looks right at her from beneath his fringe, his scar peeking through, gracing her with a sheepish smile. And then his face looks down again before repeating the process. What is Harry's face doing in her charts? Right over his forehead the bold letters proclaim: SPEAKS OUT AT LAST: THE TRUTH ABOUT HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED AND THE NIGHT I SAW HIM RETURN.

It takes a dumbfounded Eva an embarrassingly long time to realize they are not her charts that contain Harry's face but the magazine she has confiscated from the receptionist. The Quibbler. Her eyes trace every single line of Harry's grinning face over and over again. Her surroundings, the people, the voices, the smells become a blur and the only thing she can focus on, is her godson's face. Her godson. Her Harry. The title tips her on the contents of the article. And she is almost afraid to read it.

When she reaches for the pages, she realizes her hand shakes. She reads the whole thing right there, standing in the waiting room, while healers and patients avoid colliding with her. She reads feverishly, drinking into every word, absorbing Harry's words. She has heard about the night's events, but never from Harry himself. No, Harry avoided mentioning anything about it. At least to her. Even when she has prodded gently. She swallows bitterly. What did you expect? He doesn't know you. You have failed him so many times, you are no different than the others. Why should he tell you anything?

She curls her lips in horror and disgust as she reads about Peter's role in bringing Voldemort back to life (unlife?). Her legs almost drop from underneath her as Harry describes the burning pain of Voldemort's Crucio (Merlin, how she hates the fucking bastard!). She holds her shaking breath at the mention of Lily and James' ghostly visions. What she would give for just one second with her (all the pain of the world would be worth it). And then a strange numbness settles over her as she closes the magazine and continues to stare at Harry's face. How do you do it kid? How can you still smile like that after everything?

"Healer Marlowe? An urgent owl for you," someone informs her. She raises her head slowly to look into searching eyes of Nurse Janice.

"What?" Eva has not heard a word.

"An urgent owl for you." Nurse Janice eyes the magazine in her hands. "You read it too? It seems the whole hospital has one of these. I didn't even know they print so many copies of the ridiculous thing." Eva glances around the waiting room and discovers Nurse Janice has a point as she counts at least four more of Harry's faces, smiling at her. "The boy doesn't sound ridiculous though. Or the least bit mad. As much as I don't want to believe it, I am inclined to take him seriously." Eva keeps on staring wordlessly. Nurse Janice shrugs uncomfortably. "A brave boy, too. Naming the likes of Malfoy, Crabbe and Avery as Death Eaters. Bad characters even- Healer Marlowe!"

All the blood drains from Eva's face and she stumbles backwards as if burned by Nurse Janice's words. Luckily, the wall catches her back and Nurse Janice springs forward to clutch her elbow protectively. Merlin, he has named them as Death Eaters in public. She hasn't even thought of what that means. The implications, the danger… What was that boy thinking?

"Healer Marlowe? Eva?"

"He is my godson," she says through numb lips. She isn't technically supposed to tell this to anybody, but the Death Eaters and Voldemort seem to be aware of her existence. Besides, she doesn't think Nurse Janice is about to go around, spreading gossip. And she needs to tell somebody. "Harry is my godson."

Nurse Janice stares for a few moments but doesn't comment on it. She just nods understandingly, like she is not surprised at all, and steers her towards the nurse's lounge.

"Come, dear." Nurse Janice has never once called her anything but Healer Marlowe. She really must look a fright. "You can read your letter here. You won't be disturbed."

"What letter?"

"The letter that came with the urgent owl," she says pointedly.

"Oh." Eva finds herself watching the innocuous looking letter, that lies on the cluttered table. She swallows, looking back at Nurse Janice who is about to leave the room.

Eva doesn't know this but to the older woman, she looks like a lost child. Nurse Janice smiles softly. "He will be alright. He really is a brave boy."

Oh, how she wishes she could believe her. And how she wishes he was a little less brave sometimes.

She reaches for the letter slowly. She is not in any hurry to open it. She knows what it will say. If it was something that required her immediate attention, someone from the Order would contact her by Patronus. An urgent owl can only mean one thing, an unscheduled Order meeting. The letter confirms her predictions. She sighs tiredly. It has not even been a week since the last one. Her oesophagus still rebels against her, occasionally.

She has only just settled back into her routine of regular visits at Grimmauld Place. The first time she went back after the last meeting, the visit was kind of awkward.

"I haven't seen you in a few days," he remarks in the middle of dinner, after she has already relaxed, thinking they will just gloss over the whole thing.

"I was working a lot."

"I thought you might be angry with me?" he challenges. She squeezes her lips.

"Well, I was not really pleased." She can't outright lie to his face and say she wasn't angry when she so clearly was.

"I figured. I didn't think I'll see you again so soon." He shrugs nonchalantly. Eva cringes guiltily.

"Really, Sirius, I wish you didn't let yourself be provoked by Snape so much, but I'm not just going to disappear on you because you annoy me." She rolls her eyes. "Merlin knows where I should already be if that were the case," she mutters, mostly to herself.

"I know. He just rubs me the wrong way." He stabs a potato with his fork with a little more force then strictly necessary. "Bloody git."

Eva rolls her eyes. "I know. Me too. But try to refrain from low blows in the future. And don't give me that look!" She points her own fork at him threateningly. "You know exactly what I am referring to."

He makes a show of grumbling and eye rolling, not wanting to outright admit he might have gone too far, but she can tell he is abashed.

Eva is surprised to find Tonks waiting for her when she exits St. Mungo's. The short blond bob, the younger woman is sporting, appears disconcerting to Eva.

"Tonks. I didn't expect you here." She gives her a questioning look. Tonks shrugs, falling into step with Eva.

"Wotcher, Eva," Tonks greets, albeit somewhat less enthusiastically than usually. "I am just leaving the Ministry. I thought I could walk with you." Eva nods, even if she knows she took a long bypass to meet her here. The day is grey like so many in London are, but the darkness is slowly replacing the dullness and the weather is holding, so the two women walk at almost leisurely pace. Neither seems to be in a hurry to sit at another tense Order meeting.

"You aren't worried about my safety, are you Tonks? Because I can hold my own in a fight."

Tonks waves her off like it hasn't even crossed her mind. "Oh, no. Not really. Not more than anyone else's," she says with a strange hitch in her voice. "It just seems like it's been a while since we talked." Eva cringes internally. She has been very focused on Sirius. She has seen Tonks a lot, but their dynamic was different when they were in other people's company. She studies her face and can almost swear there are lines on her face that weren't there a few months ago.

"You seem stressed," Eva comments. Tonks laughs harshly, giving Eva a sideways glance.

"You are one to talk. Sometimes I think you carry all the troubles of the world on those shoulders of yours."

Eva stares at her. "You are in a really weird mood. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine. Now, who is stressing you out? Sirius?"

"Among others," she huffs, deciding to let her change the subject, for the time being.

"Harry?" she guesses again.

"You read it?" The blond bob bobs up and downin confirmation. "Then you know that I have every right to be stressed out."

"It was very brave of him."

"People keep saying that. But he has made himself a target, naming those Death Eaters," she says biting her lip.

"Eva, he was already a target. Nothing has really changed. He is still protected at Hogwarts," Tonks tries to reassure her.

Eva sighs heavily. "Maybe."

"And Sirius? He seems better. And you two seem to be on better terms."

"I guess so. I mean, he is better. Healthier. And we are civil."

"But it's not enough. You aren't happy, are you?" It's more of a statement then a question.

Eva lets out a startled laugh. "Happy? I haven't been happy since Lily died." She immediately regrets the brutal honesty, that has burst from her mouth, but can not take it back. Tonks doesn't seem surprised though.

"No, I guess you haven't." She sounds resigned. And mocking. As if she just figured the joke's on her. Eva hates it. Hates to see her like that.

"But I try," she says instinctively. She puts her hand on Tonks' forearm and the women stop in the middle of an empty sidewalk. "And I care," she rushes to tell her as inspiration hits her. "I care. I can't say if I will ever be capable of being happy, but I do care. And that's huge. Because for years I haven't cared much for anything." She hasn't really cared much for her job. Only that it occupied her mind and her time. She hasn't cared about people at all. Avoided constructing any personal bonds. Least of all she has cared about herself. She might have put minimal effort in looking presentable, but she hasn't cared about her health or her safety or her decency or her pride or her honour. She existed and that was it. "And it's a big part thanks to you. You showed me kindness and let me be myself. I don't have to hold back with you."

"You shouldn't hold back with Sirius either," Tonks says hoarsely after a pause. Eva widens her eyes. "I can tell."

She looks away. "I don't know. I… I don't trust him." And there it is. She closes her eyes ashamed. But it's the truth. "I don't trust him not to shun me if he doesn't like what I have to say. I don't trust him, that he won't push me away. From him. From Harry. From Remus. From you. From everybody." And she would shatter at that. She wouldn't be able to take it. That's the case with caring; it can ruin you in a blink of an eye.

Tonks looks stricken and Eva can tell that she wants to assure her how wrong she is. That he wouldn't do that. But Tonks doesn't know that either.

"So what? You'll just go on like that?" Tonks asks disbelievingly. Eva shrugs. "It's not going to last. Sooner or later, something has got to give."

"Probably," Eva agrees flippantly. Tonks gives her a stern look.

"Wouldn't it be better to talk to him? Aren't you usually the reasonable one?"

Eva grimaces. "You've mistaken me for Remus."

Tonks scoffs. "Yeah, right." She turns to resume her walking and Eva follows her lead. "He only camouflages as reasonable." Eva doesn't think anyone has ever described Remus Lupin so accurately.

"How is it going with him?"

Tonks shrugs. "I don't know. We talk, we flirt, we laugh, sometimes we touch. I think we're moving forward, then he backs away. Then we flirt again. Then something comes up."

Tonks looks at the rising moon and Eva can't resist looking, too. Her stomach clenches when she sees the moon is almost full. Something stirs in the back of her mind.

"He leaves on a mission tomorrow, doesn't he?" Well, she has heard something at that last meeting. Tonks says nothing to this, but she doesn't have to. Eva finally knows the reason for her strange mood. She hooks an arm around her elbow in silent support. "Don't worry Nymphie, we'll drink a lot of wine while he's gone." That's not her first rodeo. She has lived through another war a lifetime ago.

Tonks chuckles. "How is that different than any other day?"

"Exactly." Eva winks at her and they continue strolling all the way to Grimmauld Place in companiable silence. Anyone looking at them wouldn't guess they were anything but a pair of friends going for an after-work drink.

The tranquillity, that has settled over them on their walk, is wiped away the second they open the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. For starters, Mrs Black is screaming at the top of her lungs, Kreacher is wailing right along her, and no one is doing anything to shut them up. In fact, the kitchen is full of people, and they are making the ruckus of their own. Eva can already feel a headache creeping in.

"We can still turn around," Tonks remarks before they descend to the kitchen. Eva gets the feeling she is only half joking.

"I wish we could. I really do." As if. How does that saying go? We all have our crosses to bear? Eva helps Tonks close the curtains over the ghastly portrait, puts her coat on the hanger, revealing her white button up shirt, then squares her shoulders and marches down the stairs without hesitation.

She can tell right away that it is not a real meeting as the attendance is very small compared to the scheduled meetings. There are mostly core members of the Order in the kitchen and people, who are close to Harry, meaning all the Weasleys. Instead of cookies and tea, the only thing on the table is a copy of Quibbler and an almost empty bottle of firewhiskey while all the chairs are empty as everybody is standing around talking in raised voices. And no one seems to agree with anybody. Molly and Arthur are worried, naturally. Bill, Charlie and even Moody seem to be encouraging and supporting of Harry's initiative. Minerva is disapproving. She can't tell what Remus is thinking. Or Albus for that matter. But that's nothing new. Snape is of course indignant (as he always is when it comes to Harry). And Sirius is proudly smug with darkness clinging to him. And a little drunk. She can tell by the way his lips curl as he speaks. He and Snape are already glaring at each other hatefully, and she knows this can't end well.

Nobody acknowledges her and Tonks' arrival, but at least Moody's magical eye has made note of them. Tonks gravitates towards Remus right away and Eva is left standing among a bunch of others. She feels isolated though. As if alone against a tide that is coming.

"Good thinking on Granger's part," Moody says in his usual gruff voice.

"I don't know what that girl was thinking," Molly counters. "And Harry! Doesn't it occur to him he should discuss those kinds of things with adults?"

Eva is pretty sure there aren't any kind of things that Harry would consider discussing with adults. It's no wonder, with the uncaring, unavailable, and useless adults he has had the displeasure to relay on. Eva considers herself among those. When has she ever been available? Not anymore, she swears.

"The boy lives to break rules and seek attention," Snape sneers challengingly. Eva grits her teeth and Sirius' nostrils flare.

"I'm sure Harry did not do it lightly," Arthur interjects, sensing dangerous ground. "It must have been difficult to speak about that night. And to that vile woman."

Eva's breath catches in her throat. Arthur is right. How hard must have been for him to tell the whole story to a stranger. And to let himself get so exposed in front of the whole world when he was such a private person. But he did it anyway just so people will know the truth. Once again, he took things into his own hands where adults have failed him. And she was bitter that he spoke to someone about that night but haven't told her. Immediately, she feels ashamed of her jealousy.

She is so proud of him. She is so fucking proud.

Snape scoffs as if he could hear her thoughts, and her head snaps up to look at him, but he isn't looking anywhere in her direction. "

"We are not here to judge, and we can't change anything. This meeting has been called so we can decide on additional security and discuss the increased surveillance." Albus tries to restore order, but his efforts are mostly in vain.

"More resources spent because of Potter's recklessness," Snape bites out.

"Severus," Albus warns, but it goes right through him.

"Did it disrupt your Death Eater party, Snivellus? Are you bitter about your little friends being exposed as Death Eaters and murderers?" Sirius goads him, his eyes hard and darkened. Snape raises an eyebrow.

"You're one to talk about murderers, Black. Attempted murder is only attempted because it failed."

Eva waits with bated breath, Albus looks worried, Remus goes pale as a sheet and the others mostly look around in confusion, not knowing what he is talking about.

Eva feels lonelier than ever as she wishes she didn't have to be present for this conversation. Not because of Snape. Or even because of Remus, who she knows still feels hurt and guilty because of that prank. And probably betrayed for being used as a murderous weapon. Even if he would never say so. Most of all, she is terrified of Sirius' dark side.

Sirius' lips curl into a dangerous smile. His eyes glint maliciously. "And you fell right for it. Hook, line and sinker. If it wasn't for James who saved your sorry arse, who knows how it would have ended for you. You really should talk nicely about the son of your saviour, Snivellus."

Eva closes her eyes to ward herself from the incoming wave. His temper was always his biggest vice. And the damage he could do with poison spewing from his mouth could be deadly.

Practically foaming at the mouth, Snape pulls his wand out of his sleeve. Sirius follows swiftly and there are some surprised yells all around. Eva notices it in her periphery, but her full attention is on Remus. He closes his eyes in agony and Eva's heart clenches in sympathy. Tonks watches him concernedly and gives Eva a questioning look. She tries to convey her silent support and a promise to tell her someday but can do nothing else.

Sirius notices nothing but an opportunity to blow off some steam and to get revenge on Snape. Can't he see that he is hurting Remus?

"Come on then, Snape! Show me what you've got," Sirius baits, shaking off hands that are trying to restrain him, bouncing lightly on his feet.

"You think you can take me in a duel, Black? Without your cronies this time? Four on one, isn't that more your spiel?"

"Well, I didn't ever see any of your Death Eater mates coming to your aid, did I? Not even they wanted to touch your greasy-"

"SHUT UP! Just shut up, both of you!" Eva screams suddenly. She hasn't even known she is about to say anything, but she couldn't watch Remus' face anymore. They all seem surprised to see her there. "You don't care about Harry at all!" She locks her eyes with Sirius. "And you obviously don't care about Remus. All you care about are your petty squabbles and your useless grudges. Just shut up, for Merlin's sake!"

"Have a drink, Marlowe. Sobriety doesn't suit you. It makes you all self-righteous," he lashes out at her.

"Maybe I would if you wouldn't empty the supplies faster than I can replace them," she snarls viciously. She is sick of tiptoeing around him. She is sick of not saying what is on her mind. That's not them and if they have lost the ability to be frank with one another maybe it would be better if she left all together. Tonks was right, sooner or later, something has got to give. And it's sooner obviously.

"Enough, all of you," Albus says sternly. "Lower your wands. We are here to decide what's best for Harry." It's hard to go against Albus Dumbledore, especially when he uses that tone of voice, and Sirius and Snape reluctantly lower their wands while everyone still watches wide-eyed.

"Well, you've never had problems deciding what's best for Harry, so I assume my presence is not necessary," Sirius throws out angrily. His step falters as he catches sight of Remus, but Remus remains steadfastly looking at the wall, not meeting his eyes, and Sirius storms out of the kitchen. Despite her anger with him, Eva does have to agree the Order never listens to him about Harry. Nor do they listen to her. And then they are surprised when things like Quibbler happen.

Albus seems ready to continue when Remus interrupts him. "Excuse me, I have a mission tomorrow. I have to get ready." He turns and leaves the kitchen too. The front door closes with a bang, waking Mrs Black's portrait. Tonks looks around uncertainly but then inches out of the kitchen, not offering an explanation or a goodbye. A minute later the portrait quietens down, but Tonks doesn't return. Albus tries to carry on with the meeting once again.

"The meeting is over," Eva states, even if it is not even remotely in her jurisdiction to decide. Albus is quiet for a few moments, but there really is no use discussing this further.

"Yes. For as long as Harry is at Hogwarts nothing needs to change, and we can discuss his security detail for summer vacation later."

There are nods and murmured agreements all around. Eva says nothing, standing still, glaring at the wall. People linger around the kitchen, giving Eva curious glances, as if waiting for something, a word with her, an explanation, something. Luckily, they soon realize they are not getting a word out of her. Not now. Now she needs them to get the hell out of the house.

As the last person shuffles awkwardly out of the kitchen, Eva still stands motionless, trying to process what has just happened.

How can he say this? How can he say it with that mocking voice, insinuating he is proud of what he did? Has he forgotten it nearly destroyed him? How all his healthy relationships fell apart? How his friends shunned him? His friends, the only family he had left, and it had happened again, another family that didn't want to have anything to do with him. The Marauders were no more, and it was his fault. And even after they reconciled, their friendship was never really the same again. Was that what started Peter's interest in the dark side? Would James and Lily still be alive?

Did he forget how destroyed he himself was? How wrecked with guilt? How he needed her to reassure him, that he was nothing like his family?

Eva certainly hadn't forgotten. She had a front row seat for the whole of it. And if he has forgotten, she will take it upon herself to remind him.

She is beyond angry as she stalks upstairs to look for him. And she holds on to her anger because if she lets herself feel everything that lurks underneath it, she will crumble to the floor and weep hot tears of saddens, frustration and disappointment.

The house seems deathly quiet. The portraits are still, and she can't hear neither Sirius nor Kreacher stir anywhere in the house. Her instinct leads her right to his bedroom door. She doesn't knock but he isn't surprised to see her. Or pleased for that matter.

"Don't you start on me!" he snarls as she hasn't said anything for a few moments, only stared at him in disdain. It's the absolute worst thing he could say to her.

"Don't start on you?" She laughs without humour. "What am I going to start with, Sirius? With what an absolute jerk you are? With how you have reached the absolute lowest point down there? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Me? Why are you always railing on me? Didn't you hear what he said about Harry?"

"I don't care! It was ugly and belittling the way he always is. But this down there had nothing to do with Harry!"

"Then why-"

"Because I expect better from you!" A rubber band in her hair loosens as she jerks angrily with her chin, and a huge part of her hair falls over her eye. She pushes it away in frustration.

For a moment he seems shocked into silence.

"No, you don't! You expect absolute worst from me. Do you think I don't see how you hold back, waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

She does that, she really does. But at the same time, she also waits for him to prove her wrong. Needs him to prove her wrong.

"Maybe I'm just waiting for you to prove me wrong. And as soon as you had the chance… Did you even see Remus' face?"

He sucks his cheeks in, turning his face away from her. A few locks of his hair fall into his eyes gracefully. "I… Remus knows I don't mean it."

"Don't you? Because you seemed pretty damn convincing to me."

"Snape needed to be brought down a peg," he rationalizes.

"Yeah? Did he also needed to be ripped apart by a werewolf? Is that what you're saying?" He flinches at that, gripping the chair at his side, his knuckles turning white. She's deliberate in not mincing her words. "Because that's what it sounded like. Like you were proud of it. Of almost killing him. Have you forgotten what it did to your relationship with the other boys? Because I haven't forgotten how James looked at you! Because I remember. I haven't forgotten that year. I remember how you spiralled out of control as the boys severed ties with you. Don't turn away from me!" she yells, grabbing at his arms. "I still remember those night-time confessions, those deep seethed fears, that you probably haven't admitted even to James. I remember telling you, that you are nothing like your family. That it was just a mistake. And I remember believing it wholeheartedly."

Sirius buries his face into his hands, getting as far away from her as the room allows him. "Stop talking! Just stop talking about James!" He sounds mad with a touch of hysteria. He seems to be shivering and there are sweat stains underneath his arms.

Eva will have none of it. She follows him across the room, pulling at his elbow, getting into his face.

"No! No! I'm not going to stop! You need to hear it because you have obviously chosen to forget about it. You like to pretend it was just some stupid joke? That the fight between you and James was just some small glitch you smoothed over easily, and that you all laughed about it after you reconciled? Because it wasn't!"

"Don't you think I know that?" he yells into her face, his firewhiskey breath hitting her nostrils. He wrenches his arm from her grip and moves away from her. His eyes flicker from place to place like he is looking for an escape.

"I don't know if you do. Because why would you bait Snape with this then? Why would you say it like it was some grand thing you did, and he was in the wrong?"

"I don't know, okay? Every time I see his smug face, I just want to wipe that smirk off his stupid pasty face." He emphasizes his frustration with a punch of his fist to the windowsill. "You were always defending him! And you still do, even when he says the worst things about Harry."

"I never defended him! I didn't like him either! I just never talked shit about him and that's the difference. And I did it out of respect for Lily. Because he was her friend. Her best friend."

"And a lot of good it did her, no? I always said good riddance when she finally ditched him!"

Eva looks at him in contempt. "You did say that, yes. And you were hurting her. You were hurting Lily with it."

"What are you talking about? They weren't friends anymore after that incident in the fifth year."

"So what? Do you think she just forgot about him? Stopped loving him? He was just some slimy Slytherin for you, but he was her friend for years! Her best friend! And she lost him! Think about how that feels! You do remember, don't you?"

He looks stunned and she knows she went too far. But she can't stop. "That's not the same. It can't compare-"

"Can't it? Maybe not. But you never understood. And neither did James for that matter. Both of you kept telling her how good it was, that she got rid of him. But she was hurting! And you were just rubbing salt into her raw open wound. So, that's why I didn't say anything then. And why I try to be civil even now. Because I still remember how much Lily cried for him. And how guilty she felt for cutting him out of her life forever. How she thought she had pushed him to choose the path he chose."

"That's ridiculous."

"To you it is. And to me it is also. But no matter how many times I tried to convince her it wasn't her fault, a part of her never truly believed."

His eyes search her face, like he is looking for something. "You think it was our fault, don't you?" he asks slowly. Eva frowns in confusion. "That he went off to lick Voldemort's boots."

"What? Of course not!" she denies indignantly.

"I think you do. You think that just because we ill-treated him, he went dark and-"

"Don't put words into my mouth!" she shrieks. "I never said that. I think you treated him badly. I think you were arrogant little berks. I think you should have risen above his stunts. But he chose his path himself. He is the only one responsible for his choices."

We are only responsible for our own actions, not anyone else's.

"Then stop making me out to be the bad guy!"

"I'm not making you out to be anything. Today you did it all by yourself. Does it matter to you at all who you hurt in the process of trying to one-up Snape? Do you care that you are hurting the only friend you have left? And me? And yourself most of all? And probably Harry by extension?"

"I'm not… I don't…" He sounds frustrated, trying to find words. "He started it. You heard him. He brought it up. I just reacted."

Eva rolls her eyes. "Are you even hearing yourself? It doesn't matter. He is vicious and petty and that's how he always was. You are supposed to be better! You're supposed to recognize your mistakes. You have never acknowledged your role in that prank. You have never taken responsibility for it. You haven't even expressed your regret about it, except for in the dead of the night, when I was the only one listening."

"Well, maybe I'm not! Maybe I'm not better. Maybe I am the screw-up everyone always believed me to be," he says, his eyes feverish and glazed over.

Eva frowns in concern. That's not what she wanted at all. She hadn't wanted him to believe he is a failure. She just wanted to give him a kick to his arse to get him thinking and to make him snap out of his self-destructing attitude. "Sirius, come on. That's not true." And there she goes, from yelling at him to defending him from himself in a matter of seconds.

"But it is. James and Lily are dead because of me. It was all my fault. I wanted to change the Secret Keeper to Wormtail. It was my fault." He speaks as if he has forgotten about her presence.

"You didn't know. You trusted your friend. One of your best friends. You can't blame yourself for that." Of course, he can. And he does. She knows. She understands better than anybody how it is to be wrecked with endless guilt.

"And why did Wormtail turn away from us? How could he betray us? Maybe that was my fault too. All those times I dismissed him. I keep thinking about it. When did it happen? When did he turn against us? Was it one single moment that did it? Or did it happen gradually? Should we have noticed something? Something that would have told us he will someday cut off his hand to bring Voldemort back. That he would stand by and let his best friend's son be tortured with Crucio?"

Eva flinches as his words hit her right in the heart. Hadn't she been wondering that exact thing just before? Hadn't she wondered if Sirius' dark side influenced Peter? If his occasionally patronizing behaviour hadn't led to Peter's betrayal?

But no. Lily's words echo through her mind. We are only responsible for our own actions, not anyone else's.

"Sirius, it wasn't your fault," she emphasizes again. For all the good it does as she is not sure he hears her at all. She shakes him by his forearms. "Are you listening to me? You did your mistakes. As we all did. But you loved Peter, I know you did. He was a part of your group and I have never known for him to be left out of anything. I still remember the look of wonder on his face as it was his turn to hold baby Harry." Her voice breaks at that and Sirius lurches like he is about to be sick. Eva holds even tighter onto his arms, not letting him get away from her. "I don't know why he did what he did, but it was all him. He did it. He betrayed them. He betrayed all of us. He is responsible for it. And we are only responsible for our own actions, not anyone else's."

"I hate him, god I hate him so much," he gasps. "And I miss him. I still miss him. He took everything away from me, he betrayed James, he put me in Azkaban for twelve years and I hate him! But I still miss him. I miss that boy." His words come out haltingly as if they don't want to be said. Guilty words, that Eva is fully familiar with. There is nothing she can relate to more, than missing and loving someone you also hate. That's been the last fourteen years of her life after all. "I miss those times at Hogwarts. I still have all those happy memories of him… I want it all back. How could he do that? And how can I still miss him? How can I still…"

Eva can do nothing but sympathetically nod along as he speaks out his gnawing frustrations, his deepest longings, and his unmanageable guilt. He is about to break beneath the weight of his sorrow, and she can do nothing to stop it.

"I know. I do," she tells him, putting her soft palm to his cheek and stroking gently, pushing a few stray locks out of his eyes. "It's alright. You can miss that boy. He was your friend. You can miss him." She gives him permission, that she has never given to herself.

"No, no…"

"Yes, you can miss that boy from your memories. That boy that became an animagus for his friend."

"He killed James."

"James would understand. He wouldn't blame you."

"But he should! He would. James would hate me. Like he hated me for that prank I pulled on Snape." He sounds slightly hysterical, and Eva looks on worriedly. Suddenly, she realizes why most of the times he puts on that act of pompous superiority around others. She has known before, she has just forgotten, that he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt otherwise.

"Sirius, look at me." She waits for his eyes to find hers. "James loved you. You were his brother. He forgave you for that prank. He believed in you. He made you his son's godfather."

He continues to shake his head slightly, breathing erratically. "And look how that turned out? He lived in a cupboard for years!"

"The Dursleys-"

He talks all over her, not being capable of listening to reason. "Merlin, I'm sorry, Prongs. I'm sorry. I should have been the one to die. God, I would do anything…" He drags his hands through his hair, ripping quite a few out of his skull painfully.

Eva bites her lip, blinking back tears. Hasn't she realized a long time ago, that Sirius couldn't live without James?

"Sirius-"

His frantic eyes find hers and he practically lunges at her, capturing her mouth in a bruising kiss. She kisses him back instinctively, like riding a broom. She stumbles backwards as he leads her for the bed not breaking his frenzied kisses. It's hard to think rationally as one of his hands lands on the small of her back and other sneaks to the nape of her neck, pulling the rest of her hair out of the rubber band. It's instinct to fall back into their patterns, their familiar drink and fuck coping technique, but there is something in the back of her mind giving her a pause. Maybe it's the fact that she is stone cold sober or maybe she is just sick of those self-destructive mind games, but she knows, knows that this is a bad idea.

"Sirius," she gasps between the kisses. "Stop. Just stop for a moment…" He either doesn't hear her or doesn't acknowledge her because a moment later, she finds herself on her back, with him upon her, his knees settling between her spread legs, trailing kisses down her neck. Eva closes her eyes. What was it that she was saying again? It's hard to form a thought, but that nagging feeling persists. They do this and then what? Go back to the way they were before this night? Back to the way they were fifteen years ago? Can she handle either of it?

He manages to pop open the top three buttons of her blouse. "Sirius, no…" She pushes at his shoulder with her palm, but he only moves to kiss the side of her breast. Eva gasps as shivers run down her spine. He is so easily distractable, that she keeps losing track of her thought. But is this truly what he needs? What they need? "Come on. Sirius," she says with a little more force, using her palm to guide his chin upwards. And she buckles. She buckles under his burning, pleading eyes. He needs her. And that's the only way he knows how to tell her. She blinks away her gathering tears and this time she initiates the kiss, granting her silent permission.

If that's the only comfort she can offer, or better yet, the only comfort he is capable of accepting; she will let him drown his sorrows in her. She will let him bury himself in her.

He continues his rushed kisses, and she meets him with equal fervour, pouring all of herself into it. She doesn't realize it right away when his lips become slopy and his long fingers stop moving to grip her side almost painfully. His weight settles upon her pelvis and her ribs, cutting off her breath, and he buries his face in the space between her neck and shoulder.

"Sirius," she whispers, lifting her head to look down at him. She doesn't know what she is looking at, at first. All her glazed eyes register is, that everything is shaking. Something hot and wet hits her neck and her heart breaks. She inhales shallowly, as much as her constricted lungs allow, but doesn't say anything. Obviously sensing her stillness, he puts his hands at either sides of her chest as if to get up, but Eva firmly puts one of her palms on his back, keeping him in place and lifts her other hand to gently stroke his hair. He accepts her solace wordlessly, relaxing back into her, and to Eva's relief slightly redistributes his weight so the pressure remains upon her hips and thigh but lets her lungs free to take a breath.

She doesn't know how long she lies on her back motionlessly, staring at the ceiling. The collar of her blouse is getting damper and damper and after a while she has no feeling left in any of her limbs, but she still holds onto his thin shaking shoulders as best as she can. She can feel his deep raw pain in each of his noiseless sobs and her own tears pour down the sides of her face. And even long after he has fallen asleep, puffs of his breath hitting her chest, she still strokes his soft black tresses absentmindedly.

Eventually he rolls off her and Eva holds her breath in anticipation as he grimaces. But he sleeps the sleep of spent emotions, and she hopes it brings him oblivion for the night. After the feeling of pins and needles in her limbs finally dissipates, she still puts a vial of Dreamless Sleep Potion on the nightstand and summons a pitcher of water from the kitchen.

She unclasps her bra and pulls it through her sleeve as it makes her feel constricted. She throws it on the floor carelessly and doesn't hesitate as she pulls the covers over her shoulders and turns on her side towards Sirius. She isn't all that comfortable in her daytime clothes and she haven't even brushed her teeth, but Eva doesn't have a mind for such frivolities as personal hygiene right now.

In the silvery light of an almost full moon shining through the window, her eyes trace the features of his face, his aristocratic high cheekbones, his straight nose, the long line of his jaw. His skin appears white and spotless and Eva smiles to herself. She would look like a hag on cocaine withdrawal after this. Hell, she probably does look like a hag on cocaine withdrawal. But not Sirius Black. He is as beautiful as ever. Breathing through partially open lips he looks so young and untroubled.

It is an illusion of course. Come tomorrow, all his fears and worries and grief and pain will still be there. Strangely though, Eva doesn't feel despair. It is as if her mind has settled, and a huge burden has been lifted off her chest. She feels lighter. She shouldn't have held back for so long, trying to be all polite and considerate. Neither of them did well with that. He needed her to take her gloves off. He needed her to tell him ugly truths, to call him out on his behaviour. Maybe now they can finally share some of their pain. Maybe they can finally start grieving for their friends the way they should have. She has this feeling, like everything is about to change. And she is not an optimist by nature.

She falls asleep watching the hypnotic rise and fall of his chest.

Author's note: This is one of those chapters where I wonder if I have made a mess of things and if it will make sense to anyone but myself… But emotions are complicated, and people are complicated… It is hard to face your own mistakes, especially those you pride yourself on never making… And it is easier to defend your actions, somehow justify them, than it is to admit them. Soon you start thinking that you are a terrible person, but in my opinion we all make mistakes, and it does not define a person. And then there is also the matter of pride… So, cut Sirius some slack as he is a conflicted and traumatized individual, who missed all those years when he was supposed to grow up.