Balance chp 24: Embracing

Connor woke up the next morning and for several minutes he had no idea where he was. He sat up and looked around wildly. He did a quick mental check,

'Ok, no idea where I am, only person here, Calida, and- wait! Since when is Calida pregnant?' He frowned in utter confusion then his face cleared, he was in his own bedroom, and Calista was the one lying beside him and he was Connor, not Connacht.

"Oh God help me." he whispered, tears pooling into his eyes and he cried into Calista's shoulder, feeling terrified. He felt like he was being transformed into someone he didn't want to be. Connacht wasn't evil, he wasn't malicious, but he wasn't perfect and having his thoughts, his feelings taking over him was very overwhelming and frightening. He felt like he was being engulfed by a much larger being, a monster and he couldn't escape.

'You have to go with it Connor.' Connacht's voice echoed in his head. Connor froze and whispered

"I don't want to be lost in you."

'You won't be, you only feel that way because you're fighting it.'

"I'm scared."

'Of what? Of me knowing everything about you? Connor… I'm dead! It doesn't matter either way. Besides no one is perfect.'

"I know that, but you're so… it's all so overwhelming, I don't know what to do."

'Stop fighting this, if you do it'll be so much easier for both of us.'

"I wish I knew how to stop fighting." Connor admitted to himself.

'You'll learn eventually. Now let me in.' Connacht's voice was gentle, not insistent. Connor closed his eyes and he leaned over to kiss Calista's cheek.

"Ok." He let Connacht in, he embraced this new part of himself tightly, knowing he'd never let go.


Angel found him slumped over Calista, in a daze. He touched his shoulder and Connor awoke sharply, he punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground, he then grabbed a stake from under the bed and jumped atop Angel, raising the stake with the intent of killing him.

"Connor!" Angel shouted grabbing his wrist. Connor froze, and blinked. His eyes cleared and he pulled sharply back.

"Oh God. You, you scared me."

"Yeah well you scared me… twice." Angel retorted as he sat up. "Since when did you become so reactive?"

"Since… three hours ago."

"Come again?"

"It's done, I've got everything in my head properly."

"Oh, mind if I ask what it's like?" Angel couldn't help but be curious.

"Kinda crowded, lots of demon knowledge and magic spells… mostly stuff Wesley Giles and Willow wil like. There's also some strange memories which I will never describe." Connor swallowed a laugh. Angel smiled. He looked at Calista,

"Still no waking?"

"No not yet." Connor looked away slightly and gained a far away look, "But according to what Connacht told me before he left, sometime tomorrow at the latest."

"Ok, good. You hungry?"

"Starving." They walked out of the room and Connor asked a question, "Dad, why does the hotel reek of paint?" Angel inwardly panicked, then said as calmly as he could,

"Oh you know, the bringers made a mess downstairs and we just fixed it up a bit, and the fumes get everywhere."

"Right." Connor bought it, at least Angel prayed he did. They walked down to the lobby and Connor headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring the others greetings. They looked annoyed or confused at his behaviour. Connor came back in, an apple in hand.

"Sorry." he said, "But thanks to Connacht I have a massive craving for apples." They all nodded then looked at Angel slightly worried. Angel gave them a reassuring smile. Connor sat beside Dawn and bit down on the fruit.

"So Connor, what's it like having, probably the worlds most knowledgeable man's memories and knowledge in your head?" asked Xander leaning forward curiously,

"Like I told dad, it's a little crowded, but most of its interesting facts about magic and demons and cults and general world history, Connacht was very up-to-date, he knew everything, from the names of different old ones to stem cell research."

"Fascinating…" Xander didn't sound very fascinated, "so you probably have all those little beginning prophesies the Vampire kids created in there somewhere too." Connor lost the small smile on his face and his features darkened,

"If I do I'm not telling you about any of them, at least not ones that haven't come to pass yet."

"Why not?" asked Dawn

"Yeah I mean if we know about things before they happen then-"

"I can't!" Connor exclaimed sharply, "I can't predict the future, if you want someone who can then call a psychic, the beginnings don't work that way and any interference by me, even if I just tell you, could ruin it, and I won't allow it!" Angel was taken aback by the passion in his voice. "If I caused one to go wrong, hell if I caused one to activate at the wrong time it could mean ruin for this world, the beginnings are to help bring good into the world to combat the creatures that bring the evil, but they are out of my hands, they are bigger then me, they were bigger then the Children of The Vampires can't you see that?"

"If they were bigger then them why were they able to do them?"

"Because the being or beings that allowed them to be created by the Children of The Vampires because it/they wanted it done from a mortal perspective."

"I thought the Children of The Vampires were immortal."

"They were but I mean that they saw things in the same way as humans would, that's why they were allowed to create the beginnings. Once they were created they could not be interfered with." Connor sighed, then he said softly, "Look I don't want to have a fight about this, I mean it's all over for now, can't we just leave it be for now and enjoy the break?"

"Yeah, sure, we, uh, we just need to unwind a little, take a breather." said Angel coming up behind Connor and squeezing his shoulder encouragingly. They nodded and Connor relaxed.

"Can I just ask what happened that night, I mean what caused Calista to become Balance?" asked Fred nervously. Connor narrowed his eyes in thought.

"Well in order to be able to accept the powers of Balance Calista needed to be in perfect balance herself. Her soul was weighted down by too much negativity, she felt like everything rested on her shoulders, and that set her off balance. In order to bring forth the power I had to share the power with her, I was the one who unlocked it for her. The only way to do that was to make her realise that in the same way she will do anything for me I will do anything for her. I had to make her realise that we are equal in the weight we share in our lives together. She didn't need to bear it alone. That's the thing about soul mates; everything is shared between them. It doesn't matter what it is, everything is shared. Soul mates balance each other out." Connor's eyes moved to the stairs up to the corridor, he was obviously looking for Calista.

"That is so sweet." sighed Cordelia smiling, she nearly had tears in her eyes. Willow stuck her lower lip out slightly, in an 'aww' way, and she squeezed Kennedy's hand. Connor realised he was being stared at and he blushed.

"You'd out serenade Sireno kid." laughed Spike.

"My nose isn't that big!" Connor smirked at him. Apparently he hadn't been kidding when he'd said Connacht was up to date. The day passed lazily, everyone just sat around reading or drawing or watching t.v. or chatting about shopping (Cordelia and Dawn). Connor stayed with Calista. When evening came he was putting a book down that he'd just finished reading, when he saw a bag in the corner of the room. It was Calista's the one she'd brought with her the day she came back into his life. He hadn't looked in it because he hadn't really thought about it. Now he did. He found a lot of things in it. Calista had unpacked the few clothes she'd had already. In the bag were papers giving details about check ups, comments on the babies progress, recommendations for diet changes. In one envelope he found images that at first made him frown in confusion because he didn't have a clue what they were meant to be, then he realised that they were pictures of the babies. Calista had told him about the machine that showed the babies image, but it must have slipped her mind that she had copies. He smiled tenderly at the images then set them aside to show his dad later. He found three books on pregnancy, childbirth and raising children. He made a mental note to read them carefully, then remembered how Connacht knew all that stuff by heart. He'd always intended on having children with Calida, but fate wasn't so kind. There was a little money, but not much, in a side pocket. The only other thing in the bag were five notepads.

Each had a different cover, one had a shimmering holographic cover, which changed colours as he picked it up. One was a black leather bound book, another was a copy book, the fourth had pink and white flower design and the fifth had a rainbow cover. Scattered in the bottom were several pens, two were broken. Connor opened the first one and saw the first page was covered in shaky, unpractised handwriting. Every page was covered in this writing although it seemed to improve with each new page. It was a diary, Calista had kept a diary, five of them actually, it seemed. He guessed the shimmering one was the first one she'd bought, she would have been fascinated by the colours. He debated whether or not to read it, after all Fred had told him diaries were very private things where people could write their deepest feelings and innermost thoughts. But he knew Calista, he knew what her feelings were, and what her thoughts were, didn't he? He decided to start reading and if he wanted he would stop. He walked back over to the chair he'd been sitting in, then changed his mind and sat on the bed against the headboard. As if sensing him Calista rolled over and snuggled against him. He smiled down at her, her touch sending tingles up his spine. He settled into the bed and opened the diary.


I am not really sure what I am meant to do with this, Daniel said I should rite in this about what I do day by day. He says it will be good for me. I suppose if I do then when I rejoin Steven and Daniel I will be able to tell them everything. I am sitting in a green place I think it is called a park. The trees hear are much bigger then anything I have ever seen. There is an old gentleman sitting on a chair mumbling to himself. He worries me, his smell not as bad as anything in Qour-toth is strong and repels me. I fear him he may be nothing more then a madman, like the ones Daniel spoke of or he may be a demon of some kind. I fear for my safety to be near him but being near him seems to repel others and for that I am thankful. I have not been in this world three days and already I am disturbed by the way many people whisper about me or shout at me. They shout rude things at me for the mere fact that I am with child. It is upsetting I cannot deny it however I don't care. I love my son or daughter and I refuse to let harsh words get the better of me. I found a place called a soup kitchen and they have food it is good better then falciona. I have seen no other girl with child yet I hope to soon though I'd like to ask her questions about my childs care. The child has kicked seven times today a glorious feeling for me. I feel alone in a place full of humans servants of God almighty. The irony of it. I miss Steven bitterly especially his eyes as they turn to me in joy. They have a light all their own a power beneath the surface. My Steven. Eyes that I wish would just appear before me and arms I would dearly love to encircle me. I am frightened by this loud cold world.

Connor was astonished, Calista sounded so frightened in her writing, it was like someone else had written the words. His Calista was bright and strong, not small and weak. He flipped through the pages then paused at one where the writing became incredibly shaky, as if she'd been barely able to hold the pen.


Oh Lord Almighty forgive me. Forgive me for my sins. I have committed a terrible crime one that I can never undo. I have committed the sin of murder. Not a vampire I should be so fortunate. No I murdered three humans. Men they were evil men. But they were human servants of God. I went to what they call a club mostly just to spend a few hours before I returned to the shelter. The three of them clad in the tasteful clothes of the wealthy so it seemed. They spoke to me asked me questions about my pregnancy about Steven about me. I told them lies about most of it another sin to add. I told them the same story I told everyone else. I was from Los Angelus my parents were dead before I became with child in a fire and Steven my boyfriend took advantage of me after the funeral. That is how I am now with child. I loath lying about Steven but it seems to work in helping me get food and a bed for the night. Anyway they offered to walk me back to the shelter and led me down an alleyway. I should have been much more aware and much less naïve. Two of them grabbed my arms suddenly and pushed me against the wall. The third kissed me on the lips. I kicked him and he pulled away only to slap me across the face. I think I whimpered in fear. I managed to wrench free of the other two and tried to run but one grabbed me and flung me to the ground. I managed to not land on my stomach which could have ended my childs life. I remember screaming and then feeling great fury at the monsters who endangered my childs life. (here the writing became almost unreadable) I don't remember what happened next but the next thing I knew all three were dead and I was covered in blood. Rain began to fall and wash away the blood. I ran from the alley scared to death. I stayed out in the rain for hours freezing cold and shivering. I wanted Steven to appear like evil black magic and hug me tell me it was alright but its not. I have killed I have sinned. If I wasn't damned before I am now. Despite my demonic origins I fear hell and all those who reside within. God forgive me I promise I only meant to protect my child as any mother would have done.

Connor stopped and looked down at Calista tears pouring down his cheeks. He'd never done anything so hard as read this entry. Calista, while maybe not a pure innocent, Connor himself had seen to that, had had a naivety about her throughout their lives. To know that she had done that was awful. The worst was that he should have been there, he should have been able to protect her as any lover should. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it was very painful. He set the diary down, he couldn't read anymore, at least for now. He wrapped his arms around her protectively and buried his face in her hair and wept agonizingly. He wished so hard he could turn back time or better, rewrite history, change things. Let him grow up with his father, let him meet Calista and love her, let them spend years together, let them get married, then let her become pregnant with the babies. That would have been perfect. He couldn't do that though, oh he knew how to do it but he couldn't do it, he couldn't take away the accomplishments of everyone, of Calista's realisation of her strength, of the understanding between his father and him… nothing could be changed because of what was gained from it. He felt her stir, but didn't think on it, until a small soft hand reached up and brushed his face. He pulled away and looked down. Bright blue eyes looked at him curiously, and full red lips curved into a sweet innocent smile. The hand brushed his tears away and rested against his neck. He stared at her in shock then hugged her tightly, happiness overwhelming him. The soft arms encircled him and she rested her head on his shoulder. He clutched her tightly till she pulled away, her face a mixture of curiosity and calmness.

"Why are you crying?" she whispered, touching his face again.

"Because I have you." he breathed, touching her cheek to make sure she was real. She giggled,

"Who else would?"

"Every guy who sees you would want you."

"But none of them would have me, I'm yours." She smiled.

"No." he shook his head. He took her hand and kissed her palm. "I am yours." He moved down so he was in a kind of bow, his arms wrapping around her middle, pressing his ear to her firm stomach. An image of submission. Her hands stroked the back of his head and his back.

"We belong to each other." she said softly. Connor shook his head,

"No I belong to you, you belong to no one." She didn't argue, his mind was set. He looked up at her and saw her eyes were slightly clouded, just like he'd expected. She was in a world where nothing bad could or had ever happened, what few good memories were available to her were all she could access. Obviously she knew names, places but anything that would upset her was unavailable. She smiled and took his chin in her hand, raising him up to kiss him. He let her lead him in the kiss, let her be in control as she pushed him onto his back. She pulled back and smiled at him, pushing some of his hair out of his eyes, and kissed him on the lips softly, then she said

"I'm going to have a shower." and clambered off the bed. She walked into the bathroom and, as she closed the door, gave him a sweet smile. He lay there feeling light-headed. He suddenly looked over at the diary again and his eyes widened.

Calista couldn't read them now! If Calista read the diaries then the spell would be broken. She'd be attacked by all her bad memories. He grabbed the diary and grabbed the other four in her bag and ran to his dad's room. He knocked on the door and Angel answered it

"Calista woke up!" was the first thing he said. Angel's face lit up but then clouded as Connor pushed past him. "I need you to hide these for me for a while, Calista can't read them!"

"What are they?"

"They're diaries she kept and they are really horrible, if she reads them the spell that's keeping her away from all the bad memories will be cancelled. The shock would kill her!" Angel's eyes widened and took the books from him. He walked over to his closet and put them on the top self.

"She'll never find them." Angel promised and hugged Connor tightly then pulled back, "Now go back and be with your girlfriend like you obviously want to." Connor beamed at him now,

"Actually technically in my kind's terms she's my wife." He then left trying not to laugh at Angel's almost whimper of

"What?" He grinned to himself, then paused. He'd said, 'my kind' instead of Children of The Vampires. True they were the same… species. But this was the first time he'd thought of him and them as one and the same. It felt good to say it.


I'm working on finishing the whole story at the moment, so I don't know how long it will be till I update.

Review please!

Night's Darkness