Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, everyone!  This is my first attempt at writing a humor/parody fic and I'm glad you enjoyed Part I.  And now, on with Part II! :O)

PS: Some events from LotR were slightly modified per moi and this goes for the rest of the chapters to come as well. ;)

My Head Hurts

Part II:

A Great Intrigue

"Ah, Legolas there you are," said Gandalf, hovering over his form that was spread out in a 'I'm trying to create a snow angel' pose on the floor.

Legolas blinked his eyes and tried to focus on the blurry figure staring down at him.  "Gandalf?" Wrinkled face, wrinkled robes, wrinkled everything else, oh yes, it had to be the wizard... "What happened?" he rubbed his aching head as he slowly sat up.

"Well, it seems you took quite a nasty fall after running into a closed door," informed the Maia, trying oh so hard to hide his impish grin. 

---------- Gandalf's inner ranting ----------

Humphf, serves him right for ruining my newly stitched hat.  Now I'll have to borrow more thread from Arwen back in Rivendell.  Do you know how long of a journey that is from Mirkwood, especially without Shadowfax to bring me there?!  Théoden, I tell you, can be so selfish at times.  'I need Shadowfax in order to lead the Rohirrim into a great battle' he said, bah!  And, what did his showing off do?  It got him slain by the Lord of the Nazgûl that's what it did!  During the time I missed second breakfast in the Shire, no less.  Selfish indeed.  I hope Arwen is no longer upset with me after I mistakenly used the loosely hanging thread off her dress to finish my quilt.  My nose has healed quite well, if I should say so myself...

---------- End of Gandalf's inner ranting ----------

"Oh," the prince replied rather embarrassed.  'At least it wasn't as nasty as the fall you took!' he smiled to himself, remembering how he ran over all the soft spots on the wizard's withered body.

Gandalf gave a strange look at the somewhat wicked smile that spread across the princes' face as he cleared his throat in order to get his attention.  "If you are up to par we should continue.  I was informed that the therapist is a very busy, umm...therapist.  After your session, it is Frodo's turn then Sam's.  The poor Hobbits have been scarred for life from all those slash pairings they've encountered," he shook his head.

"With each other?" Legolas asked very curiously.

"Sometimes," Gandalf merely shrugged like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Legolas felt a cold tingle crawl up his spine.  "Well, better two Hobbits than and Elf and a Man," he replied bitterly.  "Honestly, Boromir and I?  He barely gave me the time of day in the books and in the first installment of the movie, he what? Merely said one or two lines to me!  And, half of the time he wasn't even speaking to me directly.  Stupid Aragorn... Well, from the 'Fellowship of the Ring', anyway.  And, I even lamented over his corpse...what a waste," then he quietly mumbled, "But I have yet to finish the Special Edition DVD to see if we actually have some more one on one dialogue."

"What about you and your Dwarf friend Gimli?" questioned the wizard with a hidden grin, as they went through another set of doors that read, 'Minno!'. 

"Bite your tongue old Man!" Legolas gasped with horror like a female trapped inside a male's body.  "I am to Gimli what Frodo is to Sam.  Nothing more!  What do those Human writers call it? Phototropic love? Panasonic love or something or other?  Ah, I can't remember!"

"Platonic love, you mean?" Gandalf answered with tears welling in his eyes from the laughter he was trying hard to suppress.  The energizer bunny quickly appeared in his mind until he realized that it was the wrong commercial he was thinking of. 

"Yes, yes, whatever it's called," he continued to ponder on the idea, unaware of Gandalf's tomato colored face.  "Besides...we tried that once and it didn't work," he said in a slightly detectable pout.

"Oh, really?" the wizard raised an eyebrow as if the information was just hot off the press (that's been sitting on the press table for years now, that is).  "How so? Why didn't it work out for you?"

Legolas crossed his arms in front of his chest and started kicking imaginary rocks with his foot. "Difference of opinion."

"Like what?" Gandalf tried prying more information out of him.  All he needed was that verification of some L-slash-G going-ons and he could sail the Sea (again for the nth time) a happy wizard. 

The others were surely going to get a good laugh once the inquiry was laid to rest and he was blissfully looking forward to the big 'I told you so, now give me my money!' collection festival that would be held (probably in his honor).  Someone was going to end up being a very rich Maia/Man/Hobbit/Elf.  The twins, Elladan and Elrohir, and the other fair folk didn't dare pass up this great intrigue and so joined in the betting pool.  If you knew big shinny gold coins and possibly a magical all-powerful Ring were involved, would you?

The prince pouted some more before answering. "He wanted me to grow a beard and I wanted him to shave his.  I could not stand all that hair!  It got everywhere, and I do mean everywhere," he shook his head like he knew Gandalf knew exactly what he meant.

He just sort of nodded in agreement with a 'some-elf-has-serious-issues' look on his face.

"On many occasions I have wanted to say, 'Hello, Gimli son of Glóin!'" he rolled his eyes then threw his hands up in the air, "Do you not know the description of my kindred?!  We Elves are the Children of Ilúvatar, the fairest of all earthly creatures in Middle-earth.  We cannot grow dirty, filthy, unkempt beards!  Even if we could, who would want to?  I imagine only the insane.  Food and other such objects clinging onto it like some ornament decoration, ack!" he said in disgust.

Little did Legolas know that the wizard (who had a beard) was fuming behind him as he took the lead down the corridor, continuing to ramble on about the diseases one beard could carry. 

"Luckily, we are not subjected to deathly disasters like Mortals for if we were, who would teach the Ents to talk? The Dwarves?  HA!" the prince snickered, slightly turning his head to the side to acknowledge the wizard's presence.  "With their poor grammar and lack of people skills?  I think not," he continued his thoughts aloud.  After a few minutes of speaking his mind he finally regaining his self-composure and calmed down. 

"Gandalf? You have been awfully quiet back there.  As quiet as Pippin was when he misguidedly hid under Galadriel's dress when Celeborn threatened to turn him into a mushroom for eating his lemba casserole.  Oh, how I remember those Hobbits' eyes lighting up like fireworks at the mere mention of mushrooms!" chuckled Legolas.  "I believe Merry was drooling, as well.  Poor little Peregrin Took, how scared he must have been.  But, then again, he looked rather content after Galadriel snatched him by the ear.  Looking a bit flustered, too, if my memory serves me correctly.  Hmm, I wonder why?"

Legolas turned to face the wizard with a smile but was met with a dark and evil stare.  "Is...is something the matter, Gandalf, my dear old friend?  Old buddy, old pal of mine...a'he?" he nervously gulped, trying to remember all the emergency exits of the palace.  The wizard's eyes grew wider as he began to raise his staff.  Before he could utter single word from his spell, someone placed their hand over his mouth.  And, a rather filthy hand at that.

End of Chapter

On to Part III!