I know! I know! I'm way over do but since no one reviewed I wasn't feeling very encouraged, this is a two way system people. Anyway here's another chapter, hope you enjoy it.
Balance chp 30: Doll hunt
"Liam please stop crying!" pleaded a distraught Dawn as she rocked the baby in her arms. His only response was to let out another wail, his little face was red and his hands were splayed dramatically. He was a little ball of fury. "How long does it take for someone like her to run to the shops? She can out run a car!" she asked her sister who was holding a pillow over one ear and her hand was pressed to the other.
"Too long!" she answered. Liam had been screaming when Calista had left the hotel to get some essentials, bread, milk and eggs but she'd said that he'd calm if they rocked him. Dawn's arms were beginning to cramp from the rocking. She'd tried, the Buffy had tried, then Cordelia and then Fred. None of them could figure out what was the matter with the baby. Both Cordy and Fred had tried tricks that had worked for Connor when he was a baby but to no avail Liam just refused to calm. Now, fifteen minutes later, the girls were ready to tear their freshly styled hair out in frustration. To make it worse all the boys were gone doing different things so neither Connor nor Angel nor Spike were around to help. The two vampires had instantly taken a shine to the babies and were masters at making them stop crying. Tayen shifted in Cordelia's arms as she began to wake up. Cordy rocked her quickly hoping she wouldn't wake up properly and start crying too. The baby opened her eyes and looked around curiously… and stayed silent. Cordelia breathed a sigh of relief as she smiled down at the beautiful creature in her arms. She definitely preferred Tayen to her brother at the moment. Suddenly the door of the lobby opened and, like an angel of mercy, Calista came in. She surveyed the room and laughed at the distressed looks on their faces. She set down her bags and then took Liam from Dawn and cooed to him
"What's wrong my little boy? What's the matter?" Whatever it was it must have gone because Liam began to quiet straight away upon hearing his mother's voice. Calista whispered to him and gently bounced him and he fell asleep. She smiled and sat down settling him in her arms a little lower.
"No fair we all tried and she just takes him and he stops!" whined Buffy.
"It's a mother's touch." guessed Fred as Calista curled up a little with her son admiring him as she always did and stroking his fuzzy cheeks. Tayen began to fuss and Cordy quickly passed her to her mother too. She instantly calmed. Calista sighed and stood up slowly. She walked confidently up the stairs with both babies and disappeared with them down the corridor.
"How do you think she's doing?" asked Fred softly once she was out of earshot.
"I think she's doing ok." Willow nodded, although her eyes were anxious. Over the past few days Calista's memory had been slowly returning and she'd been finding it hard to get used to it. Last night she'd remembered a lot of things from Quor-toth that had happened to them and had begun to have a panic attack. Connor had calmed her and whispered to her softly, taking her upstairs once she was calm enough and they were gone the rest of the night, unseen till morning where they'd reappeared, both looking tired and drawn. The others were worried about what would happen once she remembered everything, particularly the stuff about Cordy. How would she react to knowing Connor had unknowingly betrayed her with another woman while she'd been pregnant? How would she feel about Cordy trying to kill her, even though it was only Cordy's body being used not her mind, especially since right now they had formed a very close friendship? These were questions only time could answer but they were all edgy and trying hard to hide it from the distressed new mother. Connor was as stressed as Calista, having to explain everything to her, digging up things he'd rather leave buried, dealing with two demanding babies and a confused mate. He was dealing though by clinging to his father's presence, relying on him to help them, which Angel did with hidden enthusiasm. He enjoyed being needed by his family.
Calista gasped softly as she suddenly dropped to the ground as her knees buckled. She was thankful she'd already put the babies down in their bassinets as her head swam. A soft moan escaped her pink lips and she leaned forward to rest her forehead on the floor like she was praying. Her eyes misted and her mind took her away from the apartment to another dimension entirely.
(Flashback)
"I've told you before Calista do not chase after him!"
Smack! Tears formed in the blue eyes as the cruel hand hit her small form. She gasped and sobbed
"I'm sorry Daniel! I'm sorry!" Smack! The hand hit again. It came down a third time and another sob escaped her. Then the hand descended more gently and stroked her hair away from her face. Then it left her and footsteps moved away from her till even she could only just hear them. She crouched on the ground for a little while till a scent tickled her nose. "Steven?" She didn't want to see him right now; it was because of him she'd been hit. He'd convinced her to play with him, to chase him around. She shouldn't have listened to him; she ought to have turned away. But it had been too tempting, too enticing. She looked up slowly to see Steven watching her anxiously. He twisted the hem of his shirt in his small hands and shuffled his feet nervously.
"Are you alright?" he whispered. She didn't answer, just gingerly patted the place where Daniel's hand had come into contact with her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you in trouble." he said softly coming closer.
"Well you did!" she snapped spitefully, turning her head away from him. She pulled at the hem of her trousers, soon she'd have to wear skirts Daniel said, no girl was meant to wear trousers. Calista didn't want to wear a skirt; it restricted her movements, made it harder to climb the rocks, harder to keep up with the other two, harder to be like them. Steven didn't have to wear skirts, she didn't understand why she did. 'I'm a girl.' was the automatic answer but why did girls have to wear them? It made no sense to the seven year old. She reached out and searched for her doll. Closing her fingers around the familiar shape she held the doll, Ester, close. She'd named the doll after a woman in the bible who was brave and had risked her life for her people. Calista wanted to be brave like Ester. She buried her face in the ragged leather, letting her tears drop onto it, she was still sore and wished Steven would leave her alone. He didn't leave though. He stayed standing where he was and didn't seem inclined to budge. She ignored him hoping he would eventually leave.
"Calista please talk to me." Steven begged coming closer.
"NO! Go away Steven just leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you!"
"But Calista-" he touched her hair and she flinched away snarling
"Get away! I don't want to talk to you at all! Get away Steven! I hate you! I hate you!"
(End Flashback)
"I hate you!"
The words echoed within her mind and she pressed a hand to her forehead.
"I hate you!"
She'd been young and silly, upset over nothing, but she couldn't help but wonder just how truthful those words were. Had she hated that boy in her memory? Had she hated her mate, even if it was only for a short time? If so… was that hatred still harboured?
"Calista? Are you ok?"
Oh God no! Not now! She raised her head and stared at him wide eyed. He was staring at her with concern and obvious love. She couldn't help it; she burst into tears. Big fat tears ran down her cheeks and she buried her face in her hands bending over again. Her whole body shook with misery and frustration.
"Hey. Hey. What's wrong?" his hands were on her back, rubbing it. His lips caressed the back of her neck.
"I hate this!" she cried, "I hate getting my memories back! They're all jumbled and I don't know how to handle them."
"You're doing fine Calista, really you are." he assured her. She sobbed harder. "What did you remember this time?" he asked patiently.
"I, I remembered that I said I hate you."
"What do you mean?" She looked up at him and told him about the memory. He smiled tenderly at her and made her stand up, hugging her. "Oh Calista you're only seeing a part of the story." He led her to the couch and pulled her onto his lap. "Let me tell you what happened next."
(Flashback)
Steven stared at Calista in shock and horror at her words.
"You don't mean that!" he exclaimed.
"Yes I do!" she retorted with little conviction.
"I'm sorry about what happened, but it isn't my fault that you're a girl. Father says girls don't do things like climb trees or crawl on rocks."
"Well you told me I wouldn't get in trouble for it and I believed you!"
"I said I'm sorry!"
"I don't care!" The girl before him was clutching her doll tightly and it made him reach for his own rag doll. Solomon was his closest companion next to Calista and he carried him everywhere stuffed down the back of his trousers and under his shirt to hide him from his father who said he was too big for him now. Calista got to keep Ester because father said that was all right, girls were meant to play with dolls, boys weren't. He groped for the familiar feel of the doll and his eyes widened in horror when he couldn't feel it.
"Solomon!" he cried whirling around and searching frantically for him. "Where are you?" he called urgently, going on hands and knees, searching desperately.
"What's wrong?" Calista asked curious despite herself.
"Solomon's gone!" Steven cried horrified. "He's not here!"
"Where else could he be?"
"No where! I put him in my trousers this morning!"
"Well could he have slipped out? While you were running?"
"Oh no! He'll be scared out there all alone!" Steven's eyes welled with tears at the thought. At once she moved to his side and hugged him, all anger forgotten.
"Don't worry we'll find him, you can track your own scent now, so we'll be able to retrace your steps." Wiping his eyes Steven looked at her hopefully.
"You think we can find him?"
"If we don't you can share Ester with me." She smiled and he smiled shakily back, "Now let's hurry before Daniel comes back."
They searched for hours trying to retrace Steven's steps and hiding from the different demons that patrolled the barren wasteland.
"We'll never find him!" Steven wailed sounding desperate, throwing himself on the ground. Calista chewed on her lips and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him.
"I don't hate you Steven." she whispered.
"What?" he looked at her bewilderedly
"Before, I said I hated you, I don't really." She smiled at him and kissed his cheek.
"Calista! Yuck!" Steven wiped his cheek in disgust but she smiled at him even more. Suddenly she turned her head raising her nose, sniffing the air. She let go of her companion and crawled, almost on her belly, along the ground, disappearing behind a rock.
"Calista?" Steven called worriedly. She didn't answer and he sat up straighter, stretching his neck to try and see her. "Calista?"
"Calista! You should be calling for me!" A put on gruff voice answered, and a small hand gripping a familiar doll shot out from behind the rock, the leather legs brushed the ground and it bounced around a little, giving the illusion of life. "You leave me here all day, having to lie and wait for you, and you call Calista instead of me? Oh I ought to box your ears!" The voice and movements of the doll made Steven laugh and he scrambled forwards to take the doll and hug him.
"Solomon!" Calista popped up from behind the rock and smiled,
"I thought I whiffed something foul. It had to be him." Smiling Steven raised the doll and deepened his own voice.
"Foul smell! Forget Steven, it's your ears that need boxing! Foul smell I ask you?" The words became incomprehensible muttering and they both then laughed. She reached out and took Steven's hand.
"Calista!" he whined and pulled his hand free. She sighed but smiled fondly. Steven suddenly gasped in horror. "It's so late! Father will box both our ears!" She gave him a horrified look and they both began to run across the lifeless land and Steven grabbed her hand to speed her up when she lagged behind.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Daniel roared in fury.
"We, we were-"
"We lost something and had to find it."
"Lost what?"
"A doll." she answered cryptically
"You lost Ester?" Daniel's voice became softer now. She nodded quickly before Steven could correct her.
"I know we shouldn't have been out there so long but I need Ester to sleep at night. I'm sorry Daniel." She prepared herself for the blows but they didn't come. Instead Daniel's eyes became misty and he said
"Go to bed." softly turning away from them and sitting near the fire staring at it but not seeing it as he was lost in thought. They obeyed his words and both went to bed without another word.
(End Flashback)
"You found Solomon for me, you risked getting in trouble with Daniel for me." He smiled at her and cupped her face in his hands. She smiled back and he kissed her lips.
"I still have Ester." she whispered.
"Oh?"
"Mm-hm, in the bag's secret pocket." She moved from him and took out the bag she'd carried everything she owned in for six months. She opened a hidden pocket and pulled out a ragged, limp, fur covered doll. X's made eyes, the only facial feature on it. A few straggles of long thing pieces of leather made hair. She held it in her hands and then clutched it to her chest. Connor smiled and hugged her and the doll. She tucked her head under his chin. She wrinkled her nose and whispered
"She stinks." Connor laughed,
"She does." he agreed.
"What happened to Solomon?" Connor's smile turned down a notch,
"I lost him in the Apocalypse, The Beast wrecked my place and I never got a chance to go and see if he was still there."
"Do you think he might be?" He shook his head,
"I don't know." She smiled and stroked his face,
"Why don't we go and see."
"But the babies…" She looked at the bassinettes and her smile fell a notch.
"Oh yeah." she said as if she'd forgotten about them. "I guess we can go another time, we already had Cordy and the others minding them earlier, it wouldn't be fair to do it again."
"Yeah." Connor hid his disappointment. She smiled at him again and then held up Ester,
"I think she needs a clean."
"She could fall apart if you wash her."
"True." She sighed and then said, "Let's keep her here." She put the doll in a drawer beside the bed and locked it. "I can put my diaries there when you give them back to me." She smirked as the colour drained from his face, "Oh yeah I remembered them."
"Well I only, see what happened was-"
"You read my diaries and panicked because of what you saw in them and hid them away." she stated, smirking broadly.
"Only because I didn't want you getting upset."
"I understand baby, but I want them back." He shifted on his feet and her gaze became stern. "Connor I want them back now."
"Ok, I'll get them, wait here." He hurried out and she smiled at her triumph. She went and sat at the kitchen table and drew a book to her with a pen. She opened it and wrote down something in it. As she closed it again Connor returned sheepishly, with her diaries in his hands. She smiled at him and took them from him and along with the other one from the table she put them in the same drawer as Ester, locking it and putting the key away.
"What's the other one? A new diary?"
"Sort of. I've been writing the memories and the feelings they bring down so I can analyse them properly."
"Does it help?"
"I think so. It helps me keep a clear head." She smiled at the slight pun. "I got something while I was out today."
"Oh?"
"Two baby books, one for Liam and one for Tayen. I want to record everything down, including comments and messages we want them to read when they're older."
"You really like keeping records." Connor smirked.
"Well I like being organised, you know that." She shrugged.
"Are you going to catalogue Calida's memories too?"
"Of course and I want to note down things like spells to use. We have so much knowledge in here Connor," she pointed to her head, "we need to use it to help Angel and the others fight the good fight."
"No fight is good." Connor replied.
"I know that but ever since you told me that I was an Angel of Balance-"
"Not an angel the angel."
"Yes right anyway, ever since you told me I feel a need to continue its work."
"How does helping one side continue the Balance?"
"Because evil is so much larger, good has entered a period where it is the struggling side, evil on the other hand is having an easy time of it at the moment. Helping Angel and the others will keep things balanced I believe." His face clouded and he turned away from her,
"You really want to keep fighting?" she came closer to him but didn't touch him.
"Oh I know you're tired Connor, but you don't need to fight, and if you do you're no longer alone in doing it." He looked at her carefully, "But I never got to fight the evil, I never got to prove myself as a warrior."
"But you're not a warrior Calista, you're a carer and a healer."
"But my heart is one of a warrior."
"No it isn't Calista, you're heart is one of a mother and judge and that's one of the things that makes you so amazing to me. You were always so sweet and gentle, even when I knew you were angry or hurting."
"But-" he grabbed her arms tightly
"No listen to me, you are not a warrior, you are a judge, and you deal punishments accordingly, but you have a mind of your own, the fact that you want to keep the Balance shows that. A warrior follows orders and just does his duty." She looked at him bewilderedly. "You decide who is guilty, and what they deserve, you don't just react with violence like a warrior would. That's the difference. I am your warrior because I deal the punishments that you dictate."
"Connor you're not making any sense."
"You'll understand soon. I promise."
"I want to, there's so much I want to understand. I want to understand our existence."
"Run that by me again?" Connor stared at her in bewilderment.
"I want to know why we exist. Why we are here. Aren't you curious?"
"Not really. I just know I was conceived of hatred not love."
"All I know is what you and the others have told me. That I was created to be a vessel for you and the Powers." Connor blushed when she brought him into the equation. "But why?"
"To stop the evil."
"But the evil could never have happened without you, without you I would never have existed, so I want to understand how you came to be."
"The other Children of Vampires were conceived because their parents had souls. Maybe because Angel had a soul he could…" Connor squirmed in embarrassment, he wasn't enjoying this conversation.
"But Darla didn't have a soul, and if having a soul could allow him to have a child… then why did Buffy not get pregnant after they slept together?"
"I don't know!" Connor was blushing furiously, wishing she'd stop.
"I know that sometimes it can take more then one try… but still why with Darla?"
"I don't know, and I don't want to know!"
"Why not?"
"Because I just don't! It's meaningless how we were created because we were both created to be pawns for selfish beings, we shouldn't care how we are here, we should concentrate on living lives to the full."
"Oh I will, I just need to know." She had a determined look in her eyes. "I will find out everything. I must learn more."
"And you will once Calida's memories are integrated into your mind."
"Maybe, but she might not have all the answers, Connacht doesn't know or you would."
"As far as I'm concerned that's a good thing!" she sighed, no doubt at his stubbornness. She then walked into the nursery. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to get some bottles ready for the twins." she exclaimed impatiently, holding up the breast pump. Connor decided that was his cue to leave. There were some things you just couldn't watch and this was one of them.
"I'm gonna see what's for dinner." She smiled at him fondly and then shook her head in amusement.
"Boys." she sighed, unbuttoning her blouse.
Hee, got that last bit from watching Friends
Night's Darkness
