Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

My Head Hurts

Part VII:

Enter the Sues

Thunder could be heard in the distance.  Dusk now welcomed the moon in the sky while the six companions ran for their lives, each pulling back on the other to try and get ahead of the group.  "Outta my way!  Outta my way!" cried Legolas.  "Don't let them get me!  Don't let them get me!" 

You suck, Elbereth!

The Hobbits were scared stiff around Aragorn's leg so Boromir had to detach them and carry one Hobbit under each arm.  The girly screams that filled the confines of the corridor began to echo louder than the weather outside.

Legolas, himself, began screaming at the top of his lungs.  He couldn't bear the thought of being captured by the mass of fangirls at his boots.  Most of them seemed to be good sprinters, too.  Practice perhaps?  He swore he saw one of them carrying a laptop in hand while chasing after them, probably typing another ghastly masterpiece.

Just the thought of them playing with his hair and fondling his ears made him shiver.  Poking and probing at him like some sort of science experiment...or worse...a pet.  The prince turned around to see how they were gaining and one of them was actually close enough to touch the tip of Gandalf's staff.  The wizard was having the hardest time running, trying to hold his robes up like a dress so he wouldn't trip, and attempting to carry the wooden stick.

Aragorn was also running in a panic with his hands folded in between his undersides (just in case they got dirty).  The Hobbits were snickering at the sight.  The Ranger looked like he was trying to keep some sort of brassier from falling off his chest. 

But, Boromir, on the other hand, was too distant to notice.  He was still thinking of a way to get Aragorn back to his old self again.  Soon, the smoke rising from the stampeding feet of the fangirls behind them suddenly sparked an idea in his head.  He just had to time it properly.

He sped up past the King then pretended to drop one of the Hobbits by accident making the Man tumble over his tiny figure.  Poor Pippin became crushed under his heavy form.  "Um...ouch," he breathed.  Before the Ranger could get off him, the fangirls quickly trampled over his body like it was a year-end sale at Tiffany's.

"Sorry 'bout that, Aragorn!  Fingers slipped," the Dúnadan yelled down the way. 

Merry wiped his brow and sighed with relief that he was still in one piece.  "Catch you later, Pip!" he waved.

Aragorn slowly sat up and tried catching the little ponies circling around his head.  Pippin looked at him and wondered where his twin brother came from before knocking out of conscience again.  The Ranger finally gathered himself together then stood up with the Hobbit over his shoulder and eyebrows furrowed.

"How dare he," he said.  "I'm all dusty!"  He swatted his clothing with his hand to try and dust himself off when it got into his noise, sending a signal to his brain of how that was the only way to live.  A smile crept to his lips as he happily threw his hands in the air.  "I'm filthy again!  Oh, oops...sorry, Pippin."

"Oh, don't worry about me...I'll be fine," he said face first against the floor.  Aragorn forgot he was holding onto him in all his excitement.  "Come little Hobbit, we must catch up with the rest," he picked the Took back up and followed the lingering scent of cheap perfume.

Meanwhile...

"No! No! I don't want to shake my rump!" Legolas began talking to himself.  The pounding fingers on the fangirl's laptop keypad had made him delusional.  "Someone destroy that evil creation!"

"Just keep running, all of you.  And, don't look back!" puffed Gandalf.  It's times like these when I wish I was dead...really dead...like dead dead...no more coming back to life dead.

Victoria's Secret lotion bottles and other various objects were now flying overhead.  The fangirls thought that if not Legolas, then maybe they could knock one of the others unconscious and hold them hostage until the prince met their dreamy demands.

Just the luck of a fangirl who'd been practicing with darts, she nailed the Elf right in the back of the head with her empty spray can.  Legolas came crashing down on all fours, rubbing his head.  "Ow, what the - !  That thing could give someone serious brain damage," he picked up the item.  He looked up just in time to see the five waving him a goodbye as the fangirls quickened their pace.  "Oh, sh - "

"Shina!  Finally, there he is," one of them giggled.  "The prince looks so yummy!  Like, I swear, I'm going to bump uglies with him first."

"Like, whatever, m'kay!  You are like, sooo not his type.  Your braids are all wrong," her friend replied.

Legolas was paralyzed from fear.  He couldn't bring himself up from the floor to head for the hills.  The fangirls looked like a pack of hungry Wargs closing in on him.  Maybe I could bargain with them?  With a bone, perhaps?  Umm…umm...a tour of the dungeon instead of me...maybe?!  He shut his eyes closed awaiting his horrifying fate when he heard some sort of glass breaking.

He opened his eyes to see a group of females crashing through the windows on ropes, stopping the fangirls within a few feet of where he was.  They barricaded themselves in front of him like a shield.  "We cannot allow you harm the prince," a beautiful redhead with purple eyes said.

"And, who are you?" a fangirl in pigtails asked while twisting her gum around her finger.

"We are the Sues.  Mary Sues, to be exact," she announced.  A sudden light appeared out of nowhere, highlighting their features with heavenly music playing in the background.  "It is our duty to keep little weaklings such as yourselves from laying a hand on our beloved prince."

"Your prince?  Oh, it's on now, girlfriend!" a dark-haired fangirl with blonde streaks responded.  She started to take off her hoop-earrings, prepared to fight for her 'Man' (err...Elf).  "My momma didn't raise no fool!" 

The rest of the girls glared back at the Sues, ready to scruff it out for the love of Legolas.  The prince quietly scurried away while they preoccupied themselves on who would receive his affection.

"Do they actually think they stand a chance?" a Sue asked another in their group.  The raven-haired, fair-skinned Sue only grinned back.

"If you want the prince for yourselves, then you must go through us first," the head Mary Sue said.  They split perfectly into three lines behind each other, ready to strike in their warrior poses.  "With our unmatched skills we do not need our weapons.  Our bare hands will suffice."

"Fine.  Girls...are we ready to show these hussies what we're made of?" the pigtailed fangirl replied.  She spit out her gum and hardened her jaw.

"Like, yeah!" they answered in unison.

The battle in the Eastern Corridor was about to begin...

End of Chapter

Aww...don't you just hate cliffhangers?  Yes, I know.  Sorry, I'm notorious for them.  That's what you get for watching The Two Towers for the second time in one week (about to watch it tomorrow again, too!).  ;)  Please review and tell me how much you just looove this chapter and how much you want to strangle me in my sleep right about now.  Thank ya kindly!  lol.

On to Part VIII!