Disclaimer:  I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N:  Thank you for the constant reviews!  You make my days happy! ^_^  Took me forever in trying to upload this due the site's stoo-pid technical failure...grrr.

My Head Hurts

Part VIII:

Is it Safe Yet?

"Quick, lock that door!" instructed Gandalf.  He took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead.

"Gandalf, can't you use your magic against them?" asked Merry.

"No, I'm afraid I cannot, young Meriadoc.  Even if I tried my strongest enchantments they will still keep coming," answered the wizard.

"Yes, they have been multiplying by the dozens, evolving into a new race.  Especially since The Two Towers was released..." added Boromir.  "Damn you, Legolas!"

The prince was cradling himself in the corner like a scared little animal lost in the woods.  "Well, excuuuse me for helping track the Hobbits after the Uruks took them and then willingly fighting in the Battle of Hornburg while having to got to the bathroom the whole time!" he retorted.  "And, did I complain?  Nooo!  And, did I think I was going to receive more fangirls?  N-- well, alright...maybe..."

Boromir stuck his tongue out.

"Settle down you two!" said Gandalf.  So, that's why he was hopping all over the place... "If you haven't noticed, we've lost Aragorn and Pippin in the escape."

"Oh, really?  Hmm...didn't notice," the Dúnadan pretended to look surprised.

"Pippin..." Merry sniffled, lowering his head. 

"I am sorry," Boromir tried to comfort him.

"Sorry?!  He's probably being fed mushrooms and other yummy things without me!" he threw his hands in the air.  "They always did find him to be the cute one between us just because he requires special attention."  Merry pictured him sitting on a plush couch with fangirl Hobbit lasses fanning him with over-sized feathers and feeding him individual grapes.  His mind snapped when he thought Pippin winked at him.  "Alright, that's it.  Pippin, I'm coming!"

The Brandybuck charged for the door until Gandalf's hand stopped him.  He kept trying to move forward but the Maia's big hand on top of his tiny sandy-blonde head was set firmly.  "No, Merry, stay here where it is safe.  Your friend is with Aragorn.  He will protect him...hopefully." 

Back in the Eastern Corridor...

Warrior cries from the Sues rang melodiously as far as Elven ears could hear.  In between their beautiful voices were the fangirls', their own battle cries sounding like Indians readying to charge.  The Sues, still in their poses, waited patiently for the signal to attack.

Before the fangirls were really ready to fight, however, they had to prepare themselves first by hiring male masseurs to get the knots out of their muscles while some took short beauty naps.  "Like, ouch! Hello!" said a fangirl to another who was waxing her bikini area.  The Sues rolled their gorgeous never-seen-before-colored eyes and gave each other irritated looks.

"What are we going to do, head Mary Sue?" asked the Sue with the rainbow hair.  "We cannot wait forever - well we can, we are immortal - for these feeble creatures to finish their rituals."

"Yes, she is right.  The Fellowship in story id: 1234567 have already been formed and I am two days late in joining their journey.  How scared and lonely they must be without me there to protect them.  Poor things.  I cannot let my skills and perfect beauty be wasted here," pouted the other with multicolored eyes.

"I know, my dear maidens," she replied.  "Do not worry for I have a plan."  The Sues hearing what she said (because all Sues have perfect hearing) smiled.  "Mortal creatures from an evil land, may I have your attention, please," the head Sue cleared her throat.

The fangirls looked at her with blank expressions.  "Ugh!  This like, better be good cause like, I was totally about to play tonsil hockey with my other lust object, Justin Timberlake," said a fangirl who was sporting her homemade mud mask.  One cucumber remained on her eye as her tiny poodle named Legoleaflake ate the other she removed.

"Since we can telepathically communicate with the prince, he has told us that he is allowing one fangirl within three feet of him," lied the head Sue.  She winked at her fellow maidens and waited for their response.

"Like, oh my GOD!!!" the fangirls chorused, jumping up and down like they just saw Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys.  Some put on the water works and some passed out.  A few who tried getting a head start were thrown back into the crowd from a third degree black belt Sue who stuck her arm out in front of their path.

"Tsk, tsk," she shook her head with a grin.

"Now, now, wrenched beings, let us not get ahead of ourselves," said the head Sue.  "The first fangirl who reaches the prince will get her wish granted.  That is, if you can get through!"

The fangirls began stampeding like wild boars, trying to push their way through the Sues.  Xena Warrior Princess moves could be seen everywhere as the fangirls and the Sues launched into catfights.  Someone's high-heeled leather boot knocked a girl right in the head increasing the body count that laid on the floor.

"Umm...Strider, maybe we should hide," the Took looked at the battle scene.  Pippin and Aragon reached the eastern corridor just in time to see nails broken and hair being pulled.  Makeup was also smeared on the opposing side of the Sues making the fangirls look like clowns from a circus.

The two hid themselves in the corner to avoid any type of capture.  "We cannot linger in here for long.  We are not safe," said Aragorn.

"Uhh...derrr!" Pippin rolled his eyes.

"Hush your mouth, tiny," the Ranger bopped him on the head.  "We will have to try and make a run for it.  Hopefully we will get by undetected."  He bolted through the corridor with the Hobbit still over his shoulder praying to Eru that they would make it across safely.

Eru was probably busy answering someone else's prayers for something grabbed the Rangers leg bringing both him and Pippin down.  "Puwahaha!" laughed the Took.

"You idiot!  Why are you laughing?!  We are now in harm's way," yelled Aragorn.

"Sorry, Strider.  I can't help it.  It's just that she's...she's...puwahaha!" he started again.

"What?  She's what?!  Who's what?!" the Man looked confused.

"Humping your leg!"

Aragorn looked at his leg and sure enough, his leg was being humped.  "AHHHH!!!" he started running around in circles.  "Get this dog off me!" he tired shaking the poodle away.

Pippin's sides were now badly cramping from the hysterical scene.  Just as he was about to wipe a tear from his eye from laughing so much, a fangirl fell from the ceiling next to him.  "Like…ouch.  My Versace dress is like totally ruined!" she whined, and then she saw who was staring at her.  "Like, no way!  You're like, one of those cute little munchkin people aren't you?"

"Munch what?" he asked.

"You look sooo cute and cuddly!" the fangirl pinched his cheeks.  "Yes, you do!  Yes, you do!" she said in a baby voice.  "Oh, I can just sooo eat you up!" she giggled.  Pippin was now terrified.  He didn't want to be eaten.  He was too young to be eaten.  "Come here you!" she grabbed for him.  Out of panic, he punched her in the eye and scrambled away on all fours.

"Strider!  Help meeeee!!!"

"I'm coming Pippin...just as soon as I get this blasted mutt off my leg!  No! No, don't -- awww," he whined.  Legoleaflake had peed on him.  "I swear these fangirls who are disguised as 'authors' should really read the FF.Net's motto more carefully!  It says: Unleash your imagination and free your soul.  Not 'Unleash your demented imagination and let all hell break loose on the Lord of the Rings' characters!'"

"I want Merry!" cried the Took. 

End of Chapter

On to Part IX!