Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.
A/N: Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I'm very sorry about the long updates, there's just so much going on in my life right now. But, do not worry, I am not abandoning this fic. Please be patient with me. Thank you once again for your reviews!
My Head Hurts
Part XI:
Everybody Was Kung-fu Fighting
"Legolas...Legolas, are you there?" Pippin waved his hand in front of his face. He waited for a few minutes for the prince to respond, but received nothing but a blank expression.
"Ooowwww!" cringed Legolas.
"Oh, oops...sorry," the Took impishly grinned. He had kicked the elf in the side to see if he was still alive. Aragorn hit him in the back of the head. "What? How was I supposed to know that he was still breathing? He looked dead to me! Dead like a fish."
"Mmm...yup...dead. Dead like a fish," repeated Merry, "hey look, his eyes are uncrossing!"
Legolas slowly sat up from being spread out across the floor and took a good look at the Hobbits. He had knocked himself unconscious from banging his head against the wall from the evil powers of that one Mary Sue.
"That's it," he said, then took out a silk blindfold and tied it around his eyes. "This way those tricky little vixens can't get the best of me! Hahaha...oomphf!"
"Hey, watch it!" Merry shoved him towards Pippin.
Pippin got annoyed at Merry for pushing Legolas into him so he pushed him back in his direction. Soon the Halflings were pushing the elf back and forth until Legolas started getting dizzy. The two snickered at his futile attempts of grabbing them since they were a lot shorter than where he was aiming.
"Marco!" Pippin made a funny face.
"Polo!" Merry answered in a little leprechaun dance.
Legolas was about to take the blindfold off to bash their heads in until they warned him that all the Sues were staring intensely at him...which they weren't. They were all too busy (for the time being) trying to find the 'safest' route to the therapist.
Knowing that Merry and Pippin were probably ducking his blows (which wasn't really a hard feet to accomplish, seeing how they're half his size) he began kicking like a soccer player at a championship game. There were a few grunts here and there and when it finally stopped, a smile spread across his face.
"That'll teach you!" he said in triumph. Wanting to see the damage he did to the Hobbits, he risked taking off his blindfold to take a quick peak. When he looked around to where the Fellowship was, his proud smile turned into an embarrassing one.
"Whoopsies...sorry everyone," he apologized. In his blind attempt to get the Hobbits, he also had kicked everyone else in the process. They were on the floor nursing their individual bruises with unhappy glares in their eyes. The prince quickly put the blindfold back on and prayed to Eru that they wouldn't hit an elf that couldn't see.
"Your highness, supper is ready for you," he heard a Sue say. Legolas back against the wall then started slowly walked forward towards the voice. He started feeling around so he could get a sense of what type of Sue was talking. The prince patted her high in protein silk hair, then felt her face. She had the softest skin he had ever felt...almost as soft as his was, flawless to the touch.
What an outrage. How dare she!
"Thank you," he said, then tactically began pinching her cheeks and playing with her face. I guess Aragorn's insanity did prove useful...her flustered features should bring her down a notch...hehehe...
"Umm...you are welcome," she answered in a confused manner then walked away rubbing her face. "The prince has the oddest greetings," she whispered to another maiden.
"Here is your soup and bread, dear prince," a different Sue approached him. He went to get it from her but his hands accidentally grabbed for her chest instead.
"Oh, your highness!" she squealed.
"Oops!" he blushed, "umm...so...ha...ha...what's in the soup!" Legolas twiddled his thumbs behind him.
"Vegetables with lemba flavoring," answered the Head Sue.
"Great..." he smiled sarcastically. Don't us Elves eat anything else but lembas!
Boromir took a look at the soup and folded his arms. "I can make a better stew than that," he humphf to himself. "Who's supposed to be the cook on this little trip anyway?" I have far better recipes that would knock the beautifulness right out of their knee-high socks…
"I will feed you, my Elven-prince," a Sue with butterfly wings stepped forward with a smile.
"No, thank you, Buttercup-who-cannot-fly-who-whishes-she-could-iwen, I will feed the prince," the Sue who originally had the soup responded. She gave her a polite smile with a 'you touch this spoon, you die' look in her pink eyes.
"That is very gracious of you but I can --"
"Hush your mouth!" they snapped at him.
"Ooookeeey then...I'll just be over there," he carefully backed away again against the wall.
"Your duty has been completed, Roses-with-dull-thorns-with-no-leaves-iel, therefore I will now take over," she matched her 'you touch this spoon, you die' look with her own 'hand that spoon over before I shove in an unhappy place' look.
"My fellow Mary Sues, there is no point in arguing over such a small gesture," said the Head Sue. "I will feed the prince," a small grin appeared on her lips.
"But, I-think-I-am-the-prettiest-of-them-all-thien, you have already done so much this past day. Surely you would like to rest," said Buttercup-who-cannot-fly-who-whishes-she-could-iwen.
"Yes, leave this task to me," butted Roses-with-dull-thorns-with-no-leaves-iel.
"I wonder what they're arguing about over there?" asked Pippin who was watching the conversation taking place.
"Oh, never mind them, Pip, they're just probably arguing over who has the prettiest eyelashes or something," answered Merry. "C'mon, it's my turn."
Pippin shrugged his shoulders then concentrated back on the game he and the Brandybuck was playing. "Sorry, Merry...go fish," he smiled.
"Drats!" the Brandybuck snapped his fingers.
The next thing the Fellowship knew, the soup bowl hit the wall with several Sues getting into a heated discussion.
"What? What's going on?" Legolas stopped biting his nails in the corner with his blindfold still over his eyes.
"Oh, nothing to worry about. Just stay put for now," Gandalf puffed on his pipe.
"But what was that noise?" he asked.
"Oh, umm...a Sue found a fly in the soup and so chops-sueyed it to death so you wouldn't accidentally swallow it, thus having to break the bowl along with it," lied Aragorn. "No need to have another squealing male among the group," he whispered to Gandalf.
"Hey!" Pippin placed his arms on his hips, "I heard that. My voice just hasn't fully developed is all," he explained.
"It's okay, Pippin, c'mon," Merry dragged him away. Yeah...sure...whatever...
CRASH!
The Fellowship flinched at the sound of a Sue being thrown against another Sue on the opposite wall. Soon more Sues were joining the fight that had erupted. "No! I will wash his undergarments, not you!" they heard one of them say. "And, I will brush his hair one-hundred times to at least be as healthy as mine!" another yelled.
"Oh, boy..." Boromir breathed. "What's worst than fangirls fighting for their lust-objects are Sues fighting for their lust-objects."
"Why, what's the difference?" asked the Took.
"Sues, being perfect and all, can rip any creature in half who dare stand in their way of protecting their target, which in this case is the elf. Or, if not protecting, just standing around being pretty or having better heavenly entrance music."
"Yes...they'll probably just bury us alive to get to the prince," added Gandalf.
"Or worst...leave one of them with us to talk about herself and how she was really the one who gave Eru the inspiration for the third theme of Ainulindalë," cringed Aragorn.
"Lemme out! Lemme out!" Legolas tried clawing his way through the wall. Gandalf casually bopped him on the head with his walking stick sending the prince to the floor.
"Come, we should go, before the Sues finds us missing," he said.
"Or before we get hurt!" the Hobbits were back around Aragorn's leg.
The Sues were flying around the corridor with their Matrix style moves and talking like they were in a Kung-fu movie with pre-recorded dialogue. Even sound effects and dust were flying through the air every time they did a Kung-fu pose. The Fellowship snuck through another corridor with the elf over Boromir's back, everyone hoping that the Sues would cancel each other out and be reincarnated into another story.
But will they? ...
End of Chapter
And there you have it. Sorry it took so long. I wanted to be original with the names of the Sues so instead of making it long and 'pretty' sounding and absolutely difficult to pronounce (lol) I did that 'Dances-with-wolves' kinda thing. Hehe… Please review!
Part XII coming (hopefully) soon...
