Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.


My Head Hurts

Part XIII:

Hairy Situation

Pippin and Merry were crying a river on the floor. "Do not worry yourselves about Boromir, young Halflings, he actually had more chapter time that he was supposed to…so be happy that he lasted this long," said Aragorn.

"Oh, who cares about that whuss! It's not him we'll miss…" Pippin sniffled.

"Then why are you two little weird creatures crying then?" Legolas asked confused.

"With Boromir gone, who will cook our meals for us? We'll miss the food!" answered Merry. And with that more wails of crying filled their ears.

"Second breakfast…what about second breakfast!" Pippin was asking around like a mad-Hobbit.

BOP!

"How many sissies do we have in this story!" Gandalf rolled his eyes. To his surprise all four of his companions raised their hands, even Pippin who was once again lying on the floor.

"We don't have time for this. We must find out what that noise was," the Ranger was prepared to draw Narsil.

It was getting closer…and closer…and closer…until…

Oomphf!

"Greetings, friends!"

"GIMLI!" everyone said in unison.

Aww hell! Legolas mentally said aloud.

The loud noise they heard was the Dwarf trying to push, shove and destroy whatever was in his path to get to the Fellowship that were there in Greenwood/Mirkwood/Eryn Lasgalen. He had finally stumbled into the barricaded door with the help of his battle-axe.

"We should get a move on…they aren't very happy," he said getting up.

"Who are they?" Legolas was hesitant to ask.

"Oh, you know…those creatures with long hair, weird eyes and theme music following them around."

"Eeeep! The Sues!" the prince bit his bottom lip, "Where did you see them last?"

"They were a few yards back, last I saw of the lasses. Not happy at all. Especially after I gave one of them a haircut with my axe," Gimli kissed the wooden handle.

"Aaaaand…that's our cue!" said Gandalf. "Run you – "

"Yeah, yeah…we know. Run you fools! Run!" they butted in. Gandalf gave them a glare. Line stealing hogs…

The six Fellowship members ran as fast as they could past more sets of doors, each race trying to get ahead of the other. Merry and Pippin were happily playing leapfrog until Gimli tried joining in the fun. He ended up crushing both of them when he tried jumping over not one, but two Hobbits.

"Get off us you red hairy goat!" the Halflings squirmed from underneath.

"You two need more backbone!" he got up in a huff. "And drink more milk for calcium."

Legolas looked behind him to see the three shortest beings trying to catch up and shook his head at the sight. "What is he doing here? He's not supposed to be here, I have enough to deal with as it is!"

"Whom are you referring to? Gimli?" Aragorn sped up so that they were running side-by-side.

"Duh! Who else!" the prince rolled his eyes. Sheesh…

"What about the Dwarf? I thought you were best of friends?" Gandalf entered the conversation.

Legolas gasped. "Ugh…please! I guess you could say that."

"What happened with sailing into the West together?" asked the Ranger.

"Taking him with me to the Undying Lands was a mistake. Constant hairs in the bathroom sink…in the bathtub…in my food…in bed! Oye, everywhere I turned was a spider web of hair. Coughed up a few hairballs too…yuck," he responded.

Strider and the wizard looked at each other. Did the Elf say in bed? This was the perfect opportunity to pry more information out of him they both thought.

"So, Legolas…what exactly did you and Gimli do in Tirion?" Aragorn continued. "I mean, why was it a mistake to bring him to Valinor hmm…?"

"Were you not reading the last lines I just said! I told you – there was too much hair!" he stressed in a loud whisper. "Go read chapter II for details on why I think having a beard is such a filthy thing." Gandalf cleared his throat again at the same remark the Elf had made earlier in the story, still unknown of how he was being offended. Legolas looked at him. "Again with the ahem-ing and the clearing the throat thing," he said. "Would you like some lozenges?"

"So, you mean…that's it?" interrupted the Ranger.

"What do you mean, 'So you mean…that's it?' What else is there to tell? Besides long walks in Irmo's garden in Lórien and sparing once in a while, we just enjoyed the splendors of the place. I do have a life you know. Aaaand, my name is Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, not Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood/babysitter/housekeeper/husband," he said. "It's not like the things dangling from his beard caused the short guy to not have other friends there."

"So, it seems that you and Gimli were not as close as we assumed?" said Gandalf.

"Well, we were…or are, or however you want to put it. Sometimes when I just wanted to 'hang out' with old friends I hadn't seen for centuries, I couldn't do it peacefully without him asking how late I was going to be out, who was I going out with, how many male-Elves were going to be there, things like that. It wasn't him…it was more like me needing space sort of thing."

"Sounds like a bad marriage if you ask me," mumbled Aragorn.

"What was that?" Legolas turned his attention to him.

"Huh? What? I didn't say anything," the Ranger shrugged his shoulders.

"Gimmmm-li the Housewife!" coughed Gandalf.

"Beg your pardon?" Legolas asked again.

"What? Oh, no, you are mistaken, I didn't say anything," he also lied.

"Wait for us!" hollered Pippin.

"Yes, especially for the stumpy Dwarf behind us!" added Merry. Gimli was grumbling at the remark, trying his best to catch up with the Hobbits to cut them in half with his axe. Because his legs were shorter than the rest of his upper body the task wasn't an easy one.

"Will someone please carry the Lock-bearer?" Gandalf asked.

Everyone halted and looked at the Elf.

"What? Uh-nooo…don't look at meeeeh!" Legolas was furiously shaking his head in disapproval.

"Oh, c'mon, Legolas. I mean look at him," Aragorn said in a whiney voice as everyone turned their attention to the short, long, red-bearded fellow running in a stiff side-to-side motion as if he was a cripple.

"Aww…poor thing…" the Hobbits sniffled.

"Oh, please give me a break…" Legolas rolled his eyes. "He'd probably be ahead of everyone if you told him he could have the rusty metal rakes in the tool shed outside or told him if he kept up with everyone, someone would give him a shiny rock to play with. What Aulë the Smith was thinking when he created their race is beyond me…"

"Probably too much metal in the head is what it was," Merry quietly said to Pippin.

The Took nodded in agreement. "Yup…probably too much metal."

"You know him best, Legolas. It's only fitting that you carry him," Gandalf replied.

"Aren't you Elves supposed to be strong and all that whoo-ha?" asked Pippin in thought.

"Unseen to the eyes of the likes of you, there are things crawling in his beard…and probably elsewhere too…" Legolas slowly glanced at him.

"Ewww…." Everyone followed.

"What? Is something the matter? Why have we stopped?" Gimli asked while scratching his head once he finally caught up.

"You know I'm an old man, Legolas, and cannot do it myself. You know I would if I could, but its just one of those things. Darn that father time!" the Istari was finding all the excuses he could think of.

"Yeah, umm…my arm, wow…there's this sharp pain right there and you know…ouch," Aragorn also starting making up his excuses pretending that he twisted his arm in some fashion and couldn't carry the Dwarf either.

The three looked at the Hobbits.

"What? What are you looking at us for? He weighs more than me and Pippin plus Frodo and Sam combined!" said Merry.

"I'm fragile," Pippin nodded. "And he's all sweaty!"

"What's this conference about that you're having?" asked Gimli.

"Nothing! Just go and play with your shiny rocks over there in the corner," the prince shooed him away. Gimli smiled that the favorable object and did as he was told. "There you go…good little Dwarf. Yes, you are! Yes, you are!" he said in his baby voice impression.

Everyone stared at him with a questioning look on their faces.

"What? I was merely trying to distract him?" he replied.

"Anyhow! As I was saying," the wizard continued, "You have to be the one to carry Gimli."

"But whhhhhy!" Legolas whined some more.

"Because no one else will…duh…" Aragorn answered.

"Why not just leave him? I mean, look at him," he pointed. Gimli was playing with his shiny rock like a cat playing with a string of yarn or catnip.

"Because if the Sues get a hold of him, they'll want to return him to his rightful owner, which is you, making them more determined to find you. Get it?"

"And, if you don't carry him while we are trying to escape them, the Sues will catch you and watch you like a guard dog. Before this story ends, you will end up having winged, glittery, owl-eyed, mutated Elven-children. The kind of children you can't bring home to father," warned the Maia.

"Good point. Let's go Gimli son of Groin…errr…Glóin!" he dragged the Dwarf by the beard.

End of Chapter

Part XIV coming soon…