Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.


My Head Hurts

Part XIV:

What the Balrog?

"Oooh, I'm getting goose bumps!" shivered Pippin.

"I know the feeling, Pip," said the other Hobbit.

"Keep running you two," Gandalf motioned.

The battle cries in the distance were getting louder like booms of lightening in the sky and the flooring beneath their feet was starting to shake.

"Bunch of cave Trolls is what they are!" Gimli held tightly onto his axe as he was still being dragged on the floor by Legolas. "I'll hack their ugly little prancing braids off!"

"Uhh...for your information, Gimli, the all Sues happen to be beautiful," Pippin said. "Too tall for me, but beautiful."

"Frankly, I like tall females," Merry nudged the Took with a sly look on face. Pippin looked back at him dumbfounded.

Merry shook his head. "Oh, nevermind!"

"Bah...beautiful! I think not," the Dwarf retorted. "Give 'em a good beard, some hair on their chests and some meat on them bones then we'll talk about beautiful!"

"Ewww..." the Hobbits said in disgust.

"Hush!" said the wizard. "The noises have stopped...strangely enough..."

"What are you talking about old man? That's good!" replied Legolas as everyone took a break from their getaway.

"Don't be so sure..." Aragorn carefully started looking around the dimly lit corridor. "Something feels eerie..."

Legolas gulped, pointing nervously from whence they came. His company turned their heads in the same direction and almost peed their pants.

"Ooops..." Pippin looked down at himself, his face bright red.

From out of the shadows came marching that which Legolas feared the most. He turned a shade lighter than pale with his mouth agape.

"Eww, he's drooling," said Merry.

"Better him than me!" Pippin answered.

"Brace yourselves, friends," Gimli prepared to attack.

"Oh dear, I feared this would happen," sighed Gandalf.

"This is not good. Not good at all," Aragorn began to slowly walk away.

"They're...they're...they're..." Legolas tried to get out. "MARY-SUE FAN GIRLS!" The prince once again ran screaming like a damsel in distress down the endless path they've been on for hours/days/weeks/years, his figure being shaped into the walls he was smashing through.

The Mary-Sue Fan girls. One of the most, if not the most, dreaded alliances in all of Middle-earth. With their combined girliness, strength, power, sensible fashion style and killer looks, these females were almost unstoppable. Their armies have been known to capture their lust object or main character in need of protection without fail. The Valar was still categorizing the types of creatures they've spawned to this day. Whenever the Holy Ones thought their task was done, new ones would spring up like rabbits and unlike the inhabitants of Middle-earth, they never had to worry about Fan girls or the Mary-Sues entering their domain. They were too "boring" as what was stated in a recent poll. One comment from a fan girl said, "Like, gross! Why would I want to lust over some ugly fat man name Manway who lives on a crummy old mountain? As if!" Surprisingly...she was never heard or seen from again...

"Quickly everyone, follow the Elf!" yelled the wizard. Soon, more cookie-cutter shapes were made through the wall like their companion.

Legolas was frantic and couldn't stop himself from running through the walls. He kept picturing in his mind what Gandalf told him about having mutated elven-children if they got a hold of him, especially if it was a Mary-Sue Fan girl. Sure, the child could have flavored lip gloss for a brain but what he worried about the most was that he/she/it would be more beautiful than him, which he absolutely couldn't allow to happen. He couldn't let some snot-nosed child get all the attention, that would defeat his entire purpose for living! Well...besides needing to help protect his kingdom or something of that sort...he couldn't remember.

The prince also didn't think he could handle the 9-5 job ordeal, making ends meat for their 10 mutants...errr...children, I mean. He might have been a prince, but once his father finds out what evil thing has spawned within their lineage, he too would pee in his loins. The though of having a beard himself from lack of sleep and stress and shaggy hair to add on to the misery that could befall him of being a house-father almost made him gag. "No beer-belly for me!" he shook his head.

"STOP!" Legolas' face ran into a big metal hand.

"Ouch, you jerk! That hurt! What's the big idea running into me like that?" Legolas glared at him then gasped when he realized what it was.

"Your face was the one who slammed into my hand, Elf!" he answered.

"A…a…a Nazgûl?" he looked at the figure before him again.

"Yeah, what of it?" the Nazgûl calmly replied. He stood in front of a door like a bouncer.

"What are you doing here? Or rather, standing there in front of the door like that?"

The Ringwraith looked down on him and appeared to be glaring. Legolas couldn't really tell because of the black ugly hood he was wearing. "What does it look like? Keeping guard! ….Duh."

"Well, why this door and not the others?"

"For an Elf who should be combing their hair a hundred times in front of a mirror, you sure do ask a lot of questions."

"Hey! I resent that! …It's a thousand times," the prince correct.

Ooomphf! Came the rest of the Fellowship behind Legolas in one heap of bodies.

"So, here you are!" said Pippin. "Eeeep! It's a…Nazgûl?"

The Nazgûl rolled his eyes. "And let's give the Hobbit a mushroom for his observant ways," he sighed sarcastically.

"A mushroom? Really!" Pippin's eyes lit with joy. "Because I am getting quite famished." Merry nudged him in the ribs. "What?"

"What the Balrog!" said Gandalf as he saw him.

"Oh, hey, old man. Long time no see," he waved.

"Sir, you must let us through. This is a matter of great emergency," Aragorn pleaded.

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that before. Last time I fell for that trick, someone only had to use the loo. Psh…like they couldn't just go outside…honestly…"

"My very Elf-like existence depends on me getting past that door! If they catch me I'll turn into a big bellied, bloated son of an…really ugly, ugly…relative of Gollum!" Legolas thought of something cleaver to say. "Either that or be worshiped forever by beautiful maidens not ever having to lift a finger and have all my wishes come true…hmm…wait a minute…"

BOP!

"Get over yourself, Greenleaf," came from Gandalf. He walked to the back of the group, pouting and rubbing his head.

"What? …It could happen! There's a chance I could be worshipped like a god."

"Yes, or sacrificed for one."

"Hmm…good point," he shut his mouth.

Pippin leaned in to Merry, "And ugh…does Gollum have some ugly relatives. Remember the Middle-earth Family Game Olympics?"

Merry nodded with a shiver of disgust. "Sloppy, ugly cheaters! They shouldn't have been allowed to participate in the creepy, crawling creatures on the side of the mountain/cave race. His sister was sort of pretty though. Keep smiling and winking at me if I recall correctly."

"That was his uncle."

"Oh, right…"

"Sir, I will not ask you again," Aragorn said firmly this time.

The Nazgûl covered his nose. "I have two words for you Ranger: breath mint."

Gimli pushed him to the side to try and get the Nazgûl to let them through.

Aragorn was off in the corner breathing into his hand and smelling it to see if his breath was indeed smelling a little foul. "I smell nothing?" he shrugged. The two Hobbits rolled their eyes at each other not wanting to say anything directly to him about it.

"Listen here you over-grown excuse for a tin can! You call that an armor underneath those raggedy robes? I bet you a beautiful, bearded Dwarf goddess that I could easily break that armor with one swing from my axe!" said Gimli.

"Oh, yeah little Gnome?" replied the Nazgûl. "I'd like to see you try it!"

Gimli's eyes went red with fury. "A GNOME! A GNOME! How dare you insult me," he went charging directly for him until he tripped over his own beard.

Merry ended up pushing the Nazgûl backwards, him falling over Pippin who was on all fours right behind the Ringwraith. A clashing of armor that sounded like pots and pans came crashing to the ground.

"You clumsy fool!" said Gandalf. "Get up from off the ground so that we can be on our way!"

"I can't!" the Dwarf pouted.

"And why not?" Legolas asked exasperatedly. "They're getting closer, we need to escape!"

"Because…my foot is stuck inside my beard," he pouted again with his arms folded.

"Oh Prince Legolaaaaaas!" female voices were heard.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Legolas grabbed Gimli by the hair and went running like a mad lunatic through the locked door, which he broke. The others followed all taking a turn jumping, stomping, or playing hop-scotch on top of the Nazgûl's body that they trampled over.

End of Chapter

Part XV coming soon…