This is rated "T"for a reason. Violence, implied and attempted sexual assault, a favorite character turned into a vicious vampire, and language. If you can't handle those things, don't read any farther.

This is not like my usual happy fluff. You have been warned.

This story takes place during Season Four, around and during the following episodes: "The Harsh Light of Day," "Wild at Heart," "The Initiative," and "Hush." Assume the other episodes, minus Anya and Xander, take place as shown.

None of the characters belong to me, they all belong to Joss and ME. I'm just taking them out to play.

Homecoming

Chapter 4

Willow had reappeared in their dorm dressed in nothing but a black, military style sweater and her shoes, the day after she disappeared.

When Buffy had tried to find out what had happened, she got incoherent sobbing for an explanation. It was nearly two weeks, after the Gentlemen, before Willow finally told her.

And Buffy held Willow's secret for two weeks. Then she called Giles.

Giles was now pacing around their dorm room, rubbing his glasses with a handkerchief. Buffy had persuaded Willow to go to class, so they were alone. The Slayer sat on her bed, hands tucked underneath her thighs. She couldn't tell Giles all of it, she had decided. But she gave him what she felt was the important information. And she couldn't hide her fear about Willow's state of mind.

"And she's sure he was a vampire?" Giles asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Giles, I think she's seen enough vamps to know," Buffy said. "That's not the point. She's falling apart. What with Oz being gone, now to know that Xander isn't dead, that he's been a vamp all this time, that he would…try to do what he did…."

There was a long pause. She looked away from her Watcher's glare.

"Turn her, I mean," she said lamely.

"Buffy, you aren't telling me something," Giles said severely. "Please, I need to know all of it."

Haltingly, Buffy told him the parts she had left out. Xander's promises of raping Willow for days. The position she had been tied up in. The way he had touched her.

Giles sat down heavily on Willow's bed. "Dear Lord," he said.

"Giles, she said he told her that he had been 'practicing' on other girls for years," Buffy said. She put her head in her hands. "Xander. This is Xander we're talking about. Gentle Xander."

Giles patted her on the shoulder. "It's not Xander any longer, Buffy," he said. "It's a demon in Xander's body. When you look at him, he's the thing that killed Xander, not Xander himself."

"That's a bit harsh," said a voice from the doorway. Buffy leapt to her feet, pushing Giles behind her.

Xander was leaning on the doorframe. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

"Get out of here!" Buffy yelled. She dropped into a fighting stance.

"Wait, Buffy," Xander said. He raised his hands, aware they were caked with dirt and blood from digging his way out of a blocked tunnel. What he wouldn't give for vampire strength, he had thought at the time. A thought that made him want to throw up again.

Getting out of the Initiative had been easier than he could have hoped. The place was overcrowded with demons, vamps and other critters that went bump in the night. No one had any interest in a former vamp, now human.

Xanderpointed at the window. "Sunlight." He pointed at the door. "No invite." Then he held out his wrist to her.

"Pulse."

Buffy grabbed his grubby wrist with more strength than was absolutely required. And felt his pulse throbbing against her fingers. She dropped his hand as though burned.

"Xander?" she asked, eyes wide with disbelief.

"Alive, kicking, undemony and all full of computerized soul," he said.

Xander heard the door open behind him, heard a gasp, and turned in time to see Willow's fist crash into his face.

"Ow!" he yelped. He fell to the floor, barely avoiding Willow's kick to his ribs by rolling out of the way. She was waving her hands and chanting in a language Xander didn't know, but one he was sure was going to result in a lot of pain for him.

"Willow! Willow, stop!" he heard Giles yell. The former Watcher caught the enraged witch around the waist, pulling her backwards, clamping one hand over her mouth. "He's human again. He's truly Xander."

Willow stopped struggling, looked at Xander, blood pouring from his nose. He was panting with pain and effort. He struggled to his feet, then sank to his knees in front of Willow and Giles, head bowed.

"I'm sorry, Will," he whispered, staring at the floor. "I'm so very sorry."

Willow wiggled free of Giles, looking down at him. Buffy gestured something, and, hand shaking, Willow touched his neck. He was warm. His pulse was beating. He was Xander.

But he was also the monster who had lashed her to a bed, touched her against her will, and threatened to rape and kill her.

It was too much for Willow. She fainted.

When she came to, she was lying on her bed with pillows underneath her feet. She could hear arguing.

"I'm leaving," she heard Xander say. The pain and self-disgust in his voice were profound. She kept her eyes shut and listened. "I've done what I came to do. I apologized to Willow for what I did. I can't apologize to anyone else. They're all dead. Because I killed them. They died in pain and suffering and went screaming to wherever it is souls go."

"Xander, I'm sure you weren't that bad," Buffy said softly.

"Buffy, I can remember every man and woman I killed," he said. "You don't want the count. I can see their faces, hear their screams. I remember how it felt to..."

He dropped his eyes, staring at the floor, swallowing hard.

"I was sired and trained by Spike. And I perfected his art. I've kept girls like Willow alive for days, drinking from them, using them. He was in awe of me. What does that tell you?"

Buffy and Giles looked at each other.

"What?" Xander said.

"Spike is…around," Buffy said. "He never mentioned you. Turning you. Or that you're still around. I mean, we knew you...died...while he was in town, but..."

Xander snorted. "He can't hunt, from what the doctor said. I'll bethe's relying on you guys."

Giles and Buffy gave non-commital shrugs.

"Yeah, he needsyou to feed him and keep thesoldiers off his sorry ass.Why would he mention turning your best friend and screw up the pity parade?

"That's not the point. I'm out of here."

"Xander, be reasonable," Giles snapped. "Where will you go?"

"Somewhere that isn't here," Xander snapped back. "It's a big world, you know. Somewhere I haven't been. With a lot of sun. Where I won't be reminded of another girl tortured and dead around every corner."

"It wasn't you, Xander," Willow said. She opened her eyes and the three looked at her. "It was the demon that took you."

"Willow, I'd like to believe that," he said. His brown eyes were swimming in tears. He had cleaned the blood off his face and washed his hands, she noticed irrelevantly. "But I can still remember it. And I can remember how I enjoyed it. That…emotion…is human enough, isn't it?Maybe it was the monster inside me that drove me to it. But whatever humanity was left in here, it didn't stop it."

He swallowed hard again, willing himself not to throw up. The tears rolled down his face, but he made no attempt to hide them. "When I think about what I did to you, I can still feel the pleasure that the vampire I was took in it. And I also feel my own disgust. Willow, I don't know who's going to win this battle inside of me.But I don't want to be here when I find out."

Willow stood up from the bed, shaky. She reached out and wiped the tears from Xander's face, holding his chin firmly when he tried to pull away. Then she stepped in close to him and put her arms around him.

Xander's heart was pounding, his breath rasping. His emotions were roiling in his head. He wanted to hug her back. He wanted to shove her away. He wanted to scream and run.

But he didn't want to hurt her. He wasn't aroused by the contact. All he felt was her love flowing through him and into him. And he felt himself returning it.

He gently put his arms around her, and exploded into sobs, clinging to her. He felt Buffy slam into his other side, almost strangling him in her grip. She and Willow were both crying as well.Xander threw one arm around the Slayer, holding the two girls close.

And then Giles put his arms around all three of them, like a father would hug his children.

Xander opened his eyes to look at the Watcher, who nodded slowly.

"Welcome back to Sunnydale, Xander," he said softly. "Welcome home."

FIN