AN
Ok thanks again to my amazing Beta, without whom my story would not even get posted. Thanks to all of you who read the previous two chapters please tell me what you think because i'm just assuming you all hate this story otherwise. Anyway please read and review, hope you enjoy
Disclaimer: Once again I own none of the characters, plotlines or quotes you might recognize from the TV show "Lost".
Chapter 3
The group made their way back down the mountain from which they had come. The tension was still thick in the group, but Shannon's return had lessened it somewhat. Alexa decided to keep quiet and she stuck towards the back of the group, her guilt was still prominent and she tried hard to think of something to make it up to Shannon. Meanwhile it had been getting dark as Alexa mused and although she hadn't noticed, the others had, and they had stopped. Not concentrating on where she was going Alexa walked straight into Sawyer, falling backwards herself and nearly knocking Sawyer over. As she hit the ground her ribs bashed painfully, and she grimaced in pain, Sawyer noticed and helped her up whilst asking:
"Are you ok?" Alexa wondered if his concern was genuine, she could never tell with Sawyer, but he seemed to have forgotten the escapade with her and Shannon, so she was willing to take what he said at face value.
"Yes I'm fine, just knocked my ribs a bit when I fell, I should have been watching where I was going." Alexa was in a slightly brighter mood as it seemed at least someone was willing to talk to her.
"Damn right you should have been, I could have been hurt" he said viciously
Or maybe he wasn't ready to forgive; she had caught his underlying meaning when he said he could have been hurt. She still thought Sawyer was being unfair though, it was an accident and it's not like he hadn't insulted Sayid by calling him a terrorist. On the other hand she really didn't deserve his forgiveness; she hadn't done anything to help anyone so far; she was just being selfish and self-pitying. Then Boone's words came back to her: "You really are a bitch", at the moment what Alexa wanted most was to sit down and cry at her own stupidity and uselessness. She knew that it was pathetic and it certainly wouldn't get her anywhere, so instead she volunteered to have first watch for the night, as they stopped for rest.
Being alone in the jungle was not as much fun as it sounded, true she wasn't really alone but she doubted that the 6 exhausted sleepers behind her would be much help were they attacked. So she stood and kept guard, she couldn't really know how long she had stood there; Sayid told her to wake Shannon after what she thought was a couple of hours, and then Shannon would wake Sayid. But after standing out here for what she deemed to be two hours Alexa couldn't bring herself to wake the sleeping girl. What right did she have to wake her? Instead she decided she would fill Shannon's watch, she doubted sleep would come easily tonight anyway.
Considering the monsters she knew the jungle contained, it was pretty much silent; no noises of animals disturbed their camp only the faint sound of the sea a few miles away could be heard, and it was so distant you had to be listening for it. When another couple of hours had passed Alexa had passed the point of feeling like she was about to drop off, and only the thought of the others reactions kept her awake. But she was now out the other side, the point where she was no longer tired, although she realised she would feel the consequences tomorrow. She knew she should really wake Sayid, but once again she couldn't bring herself to do it, luckily for her Sayid chose that time to open his eyes.
"Alexa what are you doing up?" he asked confused "It should be Shannon's watch"
"I couldn't bring myself to wake her, I thought maybe she needed the sleep" Alexa admitted
"That was dangerous Alexa what if you had fallen asleep" Sayid said sternly
"I know, I know, guess I just wanted to do something nice for once, plus I don't sleep much anymore anyway", Sayid looked at her, truly looked at her for the first time since yesterday, and Alexa found she was glad he did even though she thought he might see all the guilt, all the doubt, and all the wrong she had done. But he just looked and obviously caught the sincerity of what she had done
"That was a nice thing you did for Shannon." He said quietly, he looked down at the sleeping blonde, and Alexa saw the fondness and warmth that flashed in his eyes, and to her surprise it wasn't jealousy she felt; just sadness, her heart was filled with sadness. She smiled slightly at Sayid but the smile didn't reach her eyes, before she went and lay down near the others. Knowing sleep would not come she lay in the darkness and watched Sayid: he seemed lost in thought or memory.
She didn't want to think on what had just passed between Sayid and the sleeping girl; that would mean admitting things she didn't think she was ready to admit. She looked across at the blonde, and envied her. She had a brother who cared for her, and she truly believed everything would be ok, maybe that was what drew Sayid, because although she saw in Shannon some shadow of a past that haunted her, she also saw the same warmth and light that at times she saw in Sayid. Once again Alexa found herself doubting herself, doubting that everything would be ok, ever again. Her pride refused to allow her to cry so she just lay there, eventually succumbing to the darkness, a darkness filled with guilt, sadness, and longing for that which she could never have.
Alexa woke to the sunlight feeling empty, she didn't remember much of what she had thought last night, and if this feeling was the result then she was glad. She looked up to see Kate on watch and everyone else still asleep, she got up and walked over to Kate. Kate looked up noticing who it was she looked back down. Alexa resisted the urge to sigh she deserved this she knew it, but she had to at least try to talk to Kate otherwise she would get nowhere.
"We need to wake the others, so we can head back to camp" she said flatly.
Kate looked at her before replying
"I'll wake them" Kate said shortly.
"Kate wait." She grabbed one of the bottles of water from her bag and passed it to Kate. Kate nodded her thanks before drinking, passing it back to Alexa and heading over to wake the others. The others were woken one by one, and Alexa passed them the battle so they could have a drink. The first was quickly finished and she grabbed the second, she doubted there would be enough for all 7 of them, but she just shrugged it off as she handed the bottle to Charlie who smiled and drank. Alexa looked at the remaining water; enough for once person, only herself and Shannon had yet to drink. The decision was an easy one she walked over to Shannon and gave her the remaining water, pleased that Shannon looked well rested; at least she had done something good.
Alexa knew now would be a good time to say she was sorry so she just decided to say it:
"Shannon look I'm really sorry about yesterday, I should never have said those things, you didn't deserve any of them especially because you were right about everything. I'm really sorry I didn't mean to hurt you; I know that's no excuse, but I guess I'm just sorry, I don't know what else to say" she finished lamely
Shannon looked thoughtful for a moment before sticking out her hand for Alexa to shake, Alexa assuming this was all she was going to get took it, smiled and then turned to walk away.
"Alexa wait, I'm sorry too, maybe you'd like to walk with me today? Well me and Boone I mean." Alexa was surprised but very pleased with Shannon's request, she looked over at Boone, but saw he didn't look happy about Shannon's offer in fact he looked positively fuming.
"I'd love to Shannon, but I don't think Boone would be too happy with my company, thanks for the offer maybe another time?" Alexa said unhappily.
She didn't want another argument today, and she doubted whether Boone would ever let her forget her mistakes. It was easier just to avoid him. Alexa would have liked to walk with Shannon, however different they were, it would have been interesting, a different perspective on everything. Instead Alexa found herself once again walking towards the back of the group with only Sawyer for company. It seemed Sawyer was the only person more hated than she was. This didn't make Alexa feel any better however, because it seemed Sawyer could not forgive his own faults when they appeared in others.
"I heard your apology to Shannon" Sawyer said.
"Good for you" Alexa had lost some of her passion for the sarcastic emphasis she normally put on everything, so her reply just sounded dull and flat, Alexa could hardly believe this was her speaking.
"Pretty pathetic if you ask me" Sayid said his smirk growing
"Good job I didn't ask you then isn't it" Alexa said as she gritted her teeth
"Yer well all those long words you use and the best you can come up with is 'I'm so sorry'" he said moving his voice up an octave in an impression of her. Alexa really wanted to say something; she really wanted to tell Sawyer that he thought he was so good, when in truth he wasn't. That he thought he was so much better than she was, when in fact they were the same in more ways than one. But instead she just carried on walking, she refused to make the same mistake again, she didn't need to express her opinion of him that is until:
"Saw her and the Arab getting pretty cosy, not interested in you anymore is he Lex?" he taunted "I can see why though" he said disdainfully, looking her over. Alexa didn't know what to do, part of her wanted to run, to run from his words because they hurt, because they dug too deep, they hit too close. The other part of her wanted to shout to scream and ask him what did he know. Who gave him permission to judge her? What gave him the right to say these things? Like with Shannon the side she didn't like won out, luckily she kept it in check and her voice was no more than a low whisper:
"I never asked for your opinion. And if I ever do you can be in no doubt that you are dreaming, because I will never ever ask you for anything. You have no right to judge me, and I don't give the slightest damn what you think about me, so keep your comments to yourself, and leave me the damn hell alone."
Alexa walked faster and away from Sawyer, a little voice in her head kept taunting her 'Running away from your problems again aren't you Alexa? when are you going to stand and face them Alexa? When?' Alexa just ignored it, she refused to deal with this now. It was not the time.
Last night the group had decided not to tell the others about the French transmission on the grounds that they needed to preserve hope. Alexa had wanted to protest thinking that people deserved to know the truth, but she wisely kept her mouth shut, knowing what people would say if she made her opinion clear.
Although Alexa hadn't known it, she found out that Boone had taken it upon himself to divest Sayid and Sawyer of their parts of the gun, saying he didn't trust them. This certainly hadn't boosted Alexa's estimation of Boone, but Kate now had the gun, everyone had agreed that she was trustworthy enough to keep it.
The party made their way through the last stretch of the jungle in silence and arrived back at the beach. Alexa looked up as Kate walked over to Jack and pulled him aside, 'None of my business' she thought. She knew that she had made things right with Shannon and probably Sayid and Kate, but the others who were with them still shot her wary looks. Alexa ignored them, and a cry from the medical tent startled her. She wanted to know what was going on, but had no idea who to ask, Jack looked too busy. Instead she walked over to Hurley who was looking scared as Jack rushed back to the tent.
"What's going on in there?" She questioned
"It's the guy, the marshal from the plane, he was injured and Jack operated but they don't think he is going to last."
"Antibiotics?" she asked
"There aren't any, that's what Jack is looking for, but he's going into the fuselage, with the…the… dead bodies and stuff." Hurley said nervously.
Alexa resisted the sudden urge to laugh, she understood Hurley's concern, but like he said these people were dead, she doubted that they cared. She knew maybe it was disrespectful, but another man's life was on the line. Wasn't it worth it?
She watched as Hurley walked away, back to the infirmary tent where Kate was stood outside. She heard laughter from further up the beach and turning to look she saw Charlie and Claire talking. Claire was laughing at something Charlie had said. She smiled slightly at the exchange, but the smile quickly faded as she caught sight of Sayid. Oh well at least it seemed like they were still friends, even if they hadn't talked in a while. It seemed there was little Alexa could do, so instead she drank a little water from the stash that had been collected and then walked further down the beach, standing alone looking out towards the ocean.
Alexa thoughts strayed back to home and back to England. She had never thought she would miss it, never thought she would miss the rain or the grey skies, or the people with nothing to talk about but the weather. She hadn't been back there in years; there were the years in Egypt and then the time in Australia, and then she had been planning on going to the US. She wondered now what her parents would be doing, and regretted not calling them when she had the chance. She remembered thinking she would call them when she reached LA send them a postcard and everything. You can't change what's already past she reminded herself, but she couldn't stop wishing you could, wishing she could go back, take back the years she had wasted, change her mistakes. She tried to stop herself from thinking it, but there was so much she should have done. Luckily a voice interrupted her desolate thoughts. Unluckily it wasn't a voice she was fond of hearing.
"Hey there Lex, you do know it'll still be there if you turn away right? It'll still be the ocean tomorrow and the next day?" Sawyer said. His voice wasn't laced with the mocking it usually held, and instead of Alexa's normal smart remarks she answered with something sincere.
"Do you ever want to change the past? You know go back and do things differently?" She questioned. Sawyer looked surprised, but he answered her anyway
"Well yer, but everyone wishes they could change something, we all have regrets Lex."
"Even you?" She questioned with a smirk
"Even me" Alexa didn't miss the hint of melancholy in his voice before he finished his sentence "Look Lex, what I said earlier, I was wrong." He finished sincerely. Lex looked up at him surprised at his apology even if he hadn't actually said "Sorry", but part of her disagreed; what he said hadn't been a lie, it was the truth, but nevertheless she answered with a smile.
"That's as close to an apology I'm going to get with you isn't it? But thanks Sawyer."
Sawyer shrugged off her gratitude and walked away. She was right he never apologised, but he had seen the look in her eyes when he had insulted her, and he had felt guilty. Guilty because she took everything he said to heart, however much she might deny it. People's words hurt her, and she believed every insult thrown at her. He risked a glance back at her only to see she was back to looking at the ocean. He wondered why he bothered with her, she wasn't like freckles, maybe it was that she saw something no-one else had seen within him. That she actually tried to hold conversations with him. Sticks had been right in one respect she didn't see the good, but only within herself, she saw the good in others.
Alexa didn't know how long she had stood, but to her surprise her conversation with Sawyer had lifted her spirits slightly, and she turned back towards the camp wearing a small smile. The closer she got to the group the easier it was to hear the marshal's screams, he was dying, that was clear, she walked over to Sayid and Jack who were stood outside.
"Is there nothing you can do?" Sayid questioned
"I'm doing all I can Sayid, but he's dying I don't know if I can save him" Jack replied. Alexa interrupted both men with a question of her own:
"Did you find any antibiotics? Hurley told me you were going to look." Jack looked at her before replying:
"I didn't find anything much of use, plus I think Sawyer will have taken anything salvageable."
"What?" Both Sayid an Alexa questioned at the same time "He went through the belongings of the dead didn't he?" Sayid finished, and Jack nodded. Alexa was slightly stunned, she knew this was what Sawyer was like, but it still surprised her. She couldn't link this Sawyer to the man with whom she had held civil conversations. Then her mind took her back to the insults of the day before, not something Alexa relished thinking about, especially with Sayid around.
In truth she knew Sawyer was being selfish, but maybe he was right, those people were dead, they had no use for anything now. It was disrespectful true, but no-one knew how long it would be before they got rescued, and that possibility seemed to be drifting further and further away. Sawyer's logic wasn't so flawed in Alexa's mind.
Jack had already gone when Alexa started paying more attention, leaving just her and Sayid. Being in the company of the other was becoming increasingly awkward ever since the incident with Shannon. Alexa was just contemplating leaving when Sayid spoke.
"I never got to thank you; for helping me with the transceiver" Alexa surmised that Sayid didn't know what else to say but she replied anyway
"Oh that's ok, I didn't mind it gave me something to do, stopped me dwelling, on you know depressing stuff." Sayid smiled slightly.
"Depressing stuff hmm, seems to come natural to you." He said. Although his tone was light, Alexa caught a hint of something more serious in his statement, so she answered in the same tone
"I'm a born cynic, just can't help myself I guess." Alexa started. She knew Sayid wanted more, but there was very little she wanted to tell him. "I know it bothers people, it's just part of who I am." Sayid looked thoughtful for a second, and Alexa couldn't help but cross her fingers hoping that he understood.
"We all have faults Alexa, people get used to them." Sayid said kindly, and Alexa couldn't help but feel happier inside, she was glad that her negativity obviously wasn't a big problem with him.
"Nice to know Sayid, but not everybody is as forgiving as you." Alexa said; and to Sayid it seemed like maybe her voice spoke from experience, and his mind remembered the incident with Boone, and the way he still looked her, even the way he still talked about her when she was out of earshot. But he knew what she said was true, some people could never forgive, but it was much harder to forgive yourself, and from the look of things Alexa had never managed that.
The screams of the dying man had only got louder as Sayid and Alexa had spoken, and unknown to them both was the conflict between Kate and the man. As both Sayid and Alexa looked around they realised that the man's screams had affected everybody. Nobody was sleeping and they all looked on edge, the lighter atmosphere of earlier in the day when Alexa had observed Charlie and Claire had gone. The screams continued and Alexa didn't even bother trying to continue her conversation, but as a loud BANG came from the tent making everyone jump, they shared a look, and both held a slight insight into what they believed had happened. Sawyer walked from the infirmary tent straight into Jack, and you didn't have to be in the close vicinity as Alexa was to hear what they were saying.
"What did you do!" Jack shouted as he looked into the tent.
"I did what had to be done!" Sawyer shouted back "What you couldn't do" Sawyer said as he pointed a finger at Jack, Jack's face was a mixture of horror and anger as the marshals screams began once again.
"Oh no….he isn't dead, Sawyer shot him and he isn't dead" Alexa said quietly, but Sayid had heard her.
"Maybe Sawyer missed" Sayid trying to reassure her
"We both know that isn't true, he probably missed the main organs, but that means this man is going to die slowly of blood loss…" Her face turned to Sayid, and he saw the knowledge of what would happen "That's a horrible way to die Sayid, the man….he's going to be in so much pain." Sayid gently squeezed Alexa's hand as he realised that she knew enough about injuries to know what sort of death this would be for the man.
They both looked at the tent as the man's screams stopped, and Jack stepped out. He walked past Sawyer without a word. Alexa realised that the marshal was dead, that Jack had done what Sawyer could not; that Jack had ended what would have inevitably been a slow and painful death, and given this man peace. Alexa felt a new respect for Jack, he had made a decision that was in the end better for the man, but now he would have to live with what he had done and Alexa hoped that Jack could cope with the guilt, even knowing what he had done was right. An unwanted image arose in Alexa's mind, the image of a bright hospital room, and the sound of a beating heart monitor, and Alexa was back, back to the place of her dream:
Sunlight streamed through the window so bright, too bright, it made the face in the bed indistinguishable, the steady beat of the heart monitor provided background noise as she heard muffled voices come from herself and then the figure in the bed. As if she was moving closer the voices got clearer
"Stop talking like this….this isn't goodbye." The voice from the bed was badly messed up almost like the white noise sound from her TV, when it wasn't tuned in; this meant Alexa had no idea what the figure was saying.
"You're not going anywhere; you're going to get better." The reply was even fainter this time as if the figure in the bed had got weaker
"No you can't leave, no matter what remember? No matter what!" the heart monitor that slowly beeps in the background, changes from its steady beep to a long continuous sound.
"Oh no please no…..."
Ok come on guys please R&R
