standard disclaimer: I own none of the characters here except Sotaki. This is a tribute to Ranma, Sailor Moon, Slayers, Jet Set Radio, or anything else except some guy named Josh who I own once a week at Dynasty Warriors 4. This is merely a way for me to express myself and relieve stress. Please don't sue, I don't have much.
*****
A.N:
"Japanese"
'English'
[Signs]
*Thoughts*
-SOUND EFFECTS-
(AUTHOR'S NOTES)
*****
Chapter 9: Stirrings
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"SOTAKI! I CHALLENGE YOU!" shouted an extremely curious Ranma, after several hours of verbal sparring with his teacher. Yes, over the days Ranma had become more and more intrigued at Sotaki's abilities, and moreso at his now-trademark bow-outs of confrontations and contests, which he had come to know as Sotaki ran verbal rings around several of the local toughs for 'demonstrations' for Ranma. Even though Sotaki was a total unknown, Ranma still felt a strong-enough curiosity to bring the fight to the ponytailed youth. After all, he had defeated a kami. What could be stronger?
"I'll pass, thanks." Sotaki continued lounging under the tree he was using as a sunshade, and watching Hikaru run through a few basic magic exercises.
"WHAT! How can ya 'pass' on a challenge? Yer honor as a martial artist demands ya accept!" Ranma was by now infuriated.
"Yeah, but I never said I was a martial artist now was I?"
Ranma blinked. "What have ya been training us in, then?"
"Hikaru? Magic, the powers of the mind, and a new way to move. You? How to use your brain, although honestly speaking you probably ALREADY used it, just at the wrong times and for the right reasons."
"AHA!" Ranma was elated. He had Sotaki right where he wanted him. "I call what ya've been teaching Hikaru a martial art!"
"Yeah? Well I call that house a horse. Doesn't get the house to stampede me. Just because you take on all comers doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to. Now let a man sleep."
"HOLD UP!" Ranma was by this point infuriated. Sotaki had dodged every one of Ranma's attempts to find out more about his power, refusing to spar, demonstrate any moves Hikaru wasn't ready for, or even move much faster than your average Joe Q. Salaryman unless faced with danger. "I at least wanna know WHY you refuse."
"Simple." Said Sotaki. "I specialize in abilities that have a rather sudden escalation of deadliness-per-effort-applied. I have several non-lethal techniques that I could use to take out maybe Kuno. Then I have a lot of heavy stuff that can, e.g., make anything human-shaped explode in a shower of blood. My central style also emphasizes guns, which, needless to say, are not great for anything short of mortal combat. I know you would be immune to the weak stuff, and no matter how good you get you are still human, which would kill you if I used the strong stuff. Add that to the fact that without a lot of preparation my body is little better than an average human, and I've got a really low pain tolerance, at least one of us would die if we ever sparred. I know my hand-to-hand skills are pathetic."
This pretty much snapped Ranma's worldview. Again. "NANIIIII? HOW THE HELL CAN YA TEACH ANYTHING IF YOU'RE NOT A MARTIAL ARTIST?"
Sotaki smirked. "I've tought YOU a thing or two, haven't I?" Ranma deflated somewhat at that. "And I've brought Hikaru up to the point that his various skills can lay a black-belt out flat, if only because most blackbelts would faint at the sight of a simple spell." Ranma sunk lower. "And last but not least, what about the millions of actual TEACHERS, in places like school, who have no martial arts ability whatsoever?" Ranma was a puddle by this time, severely regretting his outburst. "All that as it is, I think you can see why your challenge can go and screw itself."
"All right, fine. But what can ya ACTUALLY do?"
Sotaki glanced up at Ranma. "That's what you want to know? You'd challenge me to a fight to find out what I can do?"
Ranma shrugged. "It's worked before."
Sotaki sighed. "As I said before, a large part of my techniques are lethal. Furthermore, most are improvised, and very few actually STAY with me, in any shape, method or form. Couple that with the fact that I use a variety of forces, not the least of which is divine energy, and you get someone probably out of the scope of your everyday experiences, whom generalizing said experiences on won't yield much of what you want."
Ranma stared at Sotaki. "Why do ya have a large collection of such powerful techniques?"
"Simple. Actually, not that simple. But the general idea is this: I'm a meddler. Actually, among the Mages' Guild, I'm known as a Gatecrasher, mostly due to my habits of tampering with 'gate' spells. That's what landed me in this place in the first place... that and a certain wish. As a result of my most recent 'experiment', I got a full dossier of Nerima and the surrounding areas, plus a few places in China, crammed into my brain."
Ranma was getting impatient by this time. "Yeah, so why all the deadly moves?"
"I was getting to that. Anywho, in order to meddle with gates, you need a lot of creativity, and magical ability. Middling-high, as far as our standards go. Seeing as gates are portals to other... places and times, the results can be interesting. The most likely thing to happen to a Gatecrasher is simply to be sucked through the gate, to whatever, wherever, whenever and whyever it points. This tends to land said Crasher in plenty of sticky situations. Gates are also notoriously finicky creatures, and tend to open only in certain situations. This is, in large part, why I'm called a GateCRASHER - I muck about with gates trying to get them to OPEN when they want nothing more than to be SHUT.
"However, Gatecrashing is tricky work, and hard to perform in the middle of, say, Seikigahara. Thus, it is imperative to either A: get the heck away from the battle and wait until it subsides to get at the gate, or B: join in and try to stop it. At the very least, a Gatecrasher should be prepared to defend his own life against attackers.
"Finally, Gatecrashing requires a laboratory. On the end of the gate one is on. This means that it is imperative to secure various expensive and rare components. Such adventures tend to yield new powers, weapons, abilities, and ideas, while at the same time REQUIRING said powers, et al, for survival and success.
"Thus, an experienced Gatecrasher tends to acquire a large collection of powers, abilities and weapons. Usually, a lot of these are lethal to the average human. While I am only a novice Gatecrasher, I have been on several long quests in various situations - some futuristic, some neolithic, some magical, some technological. I have prevailed in all of them. In all of them I had to wrest some critical component for my crashing from a guardian. I'm told this is standard operation procedure. However, the problem is said guardian frequently attacks all sorts of people, places, things... you get the drift. Guardians also tend to fixate on the component in question, and thus try their damndest to ensure I end up dead after I retrieve it.
"As a result, I need to be prepared to kill just about anything, from a demon taking human form to a massive dragon, to get back home. I try to negotiate, but what can you do?"
By this time Hikaru had stopped his exercises and sat, listening to Sotaki's explanation. Ranma summed up the entire tale in a few sentences: "So yer an interdimensional drifter with a curious mindset, a load of weapons and abilities ta kill, incapacitate or maim, many of them crazy-soundin', some of them near-useless. Yer also a mage, a psychic, and... not a martial artist but a brawler to boot. Ya came here because of some wish coinciding with yer latest tampering with the very fabric of the universe, and now ya have to fulfil this wish and then get back."
Sotaki nodded happily. "Yup, that's about it."
"And all of this is why you won't fight me."
"Exactly."
"And despite having no ability in martial arts to speak of, you still are going to train me and Hikaru."
"Yeah."
Ranma blinked. "Are ya struck by the absurdity of the situation?"
Sotaki nodded. "Yes, but I try to ignore it. See, I've had time to get used to being myself. Anyway, from what I got crammed between my ears your life isn't much quieter."
Ranma looked offended at this. "Hey! There's a couple of BIG differences between us!"
Sotaki looked amused. "And those would be?"
Ranma smirked, having finally cought Sotaki. "One: I stick to one dimension, and two continents. Two: I don't use weapons. Three: all my lethal techniques are sealed, and I didn't invent them."
Sotaki blinked. "So you have a more limited range of experience, barring the time-travel thing... you have to train harder to be able to defend yourself against a maniacal/non-human opponent in a fight to the death... and you've sworn an oath not to use the only way you know of to compensate for this... and you don't want to think up new and interesting ways to get around that oath, like new techniques."
Here, Hikaru interrupted. "He's got you there, Ranma."
Fortunately, this verbal sparring match was interrupted by two or three stomach growls, some of them even from the same stomach, and the group happily headed off to the nearest restaraunt to spend the local Yakuza's hard-extorted money, and put another all-you-can-eat buffet out of business.
On their way to the local eatery, however, they encountered one of Ranma's many remaining problems.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
Ranma shuddered. "Not her. Anyone but her. Please Kami-sama not her."
Sotaki followed suit. "Kodachi Kuno, I presume. I'm still a little sleepy... why exactly is she following you like a lost, psychotic puppy?"
Ranma shrugged. "Damned if I know. I think it was something about me saving her from a nasty fall."
At this point, Kodachi leapt down off the rooftop she was standing on, and onto Ranma. "Hellooooo, Ranma-sama," she purred, quietly wafting her latest concoction - a paralysis perfume - over her intended victim. Ranma, starting to feel drowsy, struggled to get away. Kodachi looked hurt. "Where are you going, Ranma-sama? That's not the way to my mansion..."
Sotaki blinked twice, muttered something unintelligible and suddenly snapped wide awake. VERY wide awake. Hikaru was the only one who noticed. As the traditional drama known as Saotome-Flees-From-Kuno, Variation 3, continued, Sotaki and Hikaru began conversing on the drama. "Um... Sotaki? Was that a pep spell?"
"Yes, Hikaru, it was. Never mind the details; it was the only thing I could think of to get my thoughts straight."
"All right. I presume this is to come up with a plan to save Ranma's behind from Kodachi?" Hikaru was curious to see what Sotaki would do.
"Yes. Yes it is. And the first step of my plan is this: Get food." Saying so, Sotaki walked into their original destination, the eatery, and ordered four large orders ramen to go and four and a half pairs of chopsticks. The man at the counter, knowing Nerima, didn't ask about the spare chopstick. Walking outside and helping Hikaru recover from his facefault, Sotaki handed Hikaru a pair of chopsticks and a large ramen, sat down crosslegged on a nearby bench, and began chomping down on his food. "Eat up."
Hikaru, nursing a bruised forehead and a bowl of steaming noodles, sat down and pondered the situation. "How exactly does this help Ranma?"
"In several ways. One: I'm hungry, and I think better when I'm not. Two: it takes time to eat, and right now it looks like Kodachi's completely fixated on Ranma, and has 'interrupts locked out', so to speak - no getting through to her. Third, I'm betting Ranma had worked up a drool for food, and would still like the noodles at the time he was expecting them, and if that's not available, then as soon as possible."
Hikaru nodded at these practicalities. "Those are good points. However, you said you had a plan."
Sotaki smirked. "I always have a plan. Usually, it's to wait until the right moment and then wing it. I think better when I'm not hungry, as I said."
Again, Hikaru recovered from a facefault and climbed back on the bench. His ramen was, miraculously, unspilled. "What kind of a plan is that!"
"One that will survive contact with the enemy, and thus a rare plan indeed."
Meanwhile, the performance art that is Ranma And Kodachi came to a close with Ranma running away at high speeds past the bench the witty duo of Hikaru and Sotaki were sitting at. Sotaki lobbed a bowl of noodles and a pair of chopsticks at the pigtailed blur, and was rewarder with a mid-air bow and an "Arigatou!". The ponytailed, ribbon-wielding psychopath following close behind recieved the half-pair of chopsticks, stuck between her running feet and thus tripping her up. She skidded to a halt a few feet ahead of the bench.
Sotaki finished his ramen, put down his bowl, walked over to Kodachi and picked her up. "You all right, miss?"
"Get your hands off me, peasant! Of course I'm all right! I am KODACHI KUNO, THE BLACK ROSE! OHOHOHOHO!" Kodachi demonstrated her patented maniacal laugh.
"Yes, and you also skidded several feet. On concrete. With a bad landing. With all due respect, you should look like raw hamburger. It's a testament to your complexion you're unharmed."
Hikaru realized what Sotaki was doing, and began praying for his soul. Flattering Kodachi Kuno could get you ANYWHERE, including straight to Hell.
"Really?" Kodachi was intrigued. "Well, I - WAIT! I only let Ranma-sama talk to me like that. How dare you, peasant?"
"How dare I what, compliment you? One would think that acknowledging the fact that you have unusual, if not unique skin, as is evidenced by the fact that it is intact after that kind of slide, wouldn't deserve insults and belittlement."
Hikaru diversified his prayers into 3 major religions. A barbed compliment was the worst.
"YOU DARE TALK BACK TO THE BLACK ROSE?"
"Well, yeah. What, do you have reason to question your own senses?"
"HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT I AM HALLUCINATING!"
Sotaki calmly walked towards Kodachi, stepping over her flailing, razor-sharp ribbon as if it wasn't there. He stepped on the snake-like tool about a meter's worth of cloth from her hand. "I merely inquired as to your health. If you have to double-check what you heard, a doctor's appointment may be in order. Purely for your own health and well-being, of course. I am somewhat skilled in diseases of perception and cognition... tell me, does anyone in your family suffer the same symptoms?"
This new tack, and the sudden jolt in her arm on her upswing, put Kodachi off balance. "Well, my dear brother can be a raving lunatic sometimes... as can my father."
Sotaki nodded sagely, sat down on another bench and invited Kodachi to sit down as well. Handing her the ramen and his last pair of chopsticks, Sotaki began conversing with her. "Do you have any regular exposure to hallucigenic chemicals?"
Kodachi, by this time completely disoriented, tried the noodles and discovered them to be good. Hikaru was watching with bugged-out eyes. He had not, however, ceased his prayers for more divine intervention. "Well... I maintain a garden with rare plants, and I prepare my own herbal remedies from them. Naturally, I test them on myself, or the family ninja. Would that count?"
"Seeing as your ninja is in the bushes over there observing a stampede of neon green giraffes, I'd say the answer to that is yes." A very confused Sasuke stumbled out of the indicated bushes and started weaving towards the Kuno family mansion. Sotaki quietly planted a tracer on him. "That looked like a tincture of Hawaiian Woodrose and a few other potent herbs, with an alkaloid mixed in to delay the onset. One of your creations?"
Kodachi nodded proudly. "Yes. One of my best. You certainly know your chemicals."
"Oh, I've picked up a little bit in my travels. Now, I think I've isolated the root of your problem, and I've got a solution. I want you to follow these orders exactly, understand?"
Kodachi nodded again, by this time totally out of the loop.
"I want you to cease experimenting, for about a week, with the results of your garden. If you wish to keep any particularly rare specimens, use dessicants to cure the samples and store them in a cool, dry, dark place. Also, while tending your garden, wear a full-body suit, not the leotard you have on now. I want you to keep out of contact with your plants."
"Very well. Though it pains me to be so seperated from my dear plants, I shall do as you perscribe."
"Second: get out of the house more, into fresh air. And I don't mean your garden; prolonged exposure to many rare flowers can cause this sort of thing. Now run along!"
As Kodachi bounded away, a thoroughly shocked Hikaru sidled up to Sotaki. "Since when are you a doctor?"
"I'm not, but she doesn't need to know that."
Hikaru, having experienced two Sotaki-based facefaults within a half-hour, did not want a third. Thus, he restrained himself from falling down. Barely.
"All right, be that as it may, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
"Have you ever wondered WHY the Kuno family acts as it does?"
Hikaru shook his head. "No. I don't question them, I just obey their orders."
"That's great. Would you like to know?"
"Sure."
"I'm extrapolating here, but I think it's a good guess. After Kuno-san died, Principle Kuno, Tatewaki and Kodachi all went out of their gourds. This was probably helped along by Kodachi's hallucigenic drugs. I ran a light mind-read on her and it was all I could do not to go into a coma right there; the kid's got more chemicals in her bloodstream than most of the junkies in Tokyo combined. Some of it is REALLY rare stuff, too; almost impossible to cultivate. I'm betting it's no better with Principle Kuno. You saw me snap Tatewaki out of it. The reason I encouraged him to become a wandering monk is because in all honesty it would keep him out of the house - and thus away from Kodachi. The only reason I could have done that in the first place is that I suppressed his appetite after issuing Ranma my challenge, which kept him away from most of the poisons Kodachi was working on that day. He ate at Ucchan's the next day. Without that much-needed influx of normal food, I doubt ANYTHING would have gotten through to him."
"All right. One more thing: How do you know so much about chemicals and plants?"
"Well, I tried paralyzing and distracting guardians several times for a while. It rarely worked - they've got a unique physiology. However, they ARE living creatures, and thus vulnerable to SOME toxins... most of which can be found in extremely rare plants. Seeing as I'm a reasonably skilled Gatecrasher, I talked to a wizard friend of mine and he VERY graciously made me my own pocket dimension. I hooked up a gate to my backpack, but I digress. In order to ensure that I have the supplies and plants I need onhand, I carted some soil into my pocket dimension, and now I've got a portable garden. This might just be an opportunity for me to expand my collection!"
"So you're a gardener as well?"
"Toxicologist, actually, by neccessity. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many kinds of scorpion there are..." Here Sotaki shuddered, as if reminiscing some bad memories.
"All right, I get the drift - you're a poison expert like Ranma's a martial artist - you were on the recieving end often enough and learned how to dish it out to survive."
"Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it."
"Any OTHER talents I should know about?"
"Yeah. I'm an incredible marksman."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"You sure?"
"Absolutely."
"All right. What is it you shoot with?"
"Anti-aircraft flak cannons."
Even Hikaru's aversion to facefaults couldn't save him.
"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU CARR-oh. The bag."
"That's right. It's a very nice bag."
"No one is debating that, but isn't it a little strange to carry A FIELD ARTILLERY PIECE IN YOUR RUCKSACK?"
"Well, where else would I carry it?"
Hikaru sighed. "Well, how about up your sleeves or something?"
Sotaki shook his head. "Nah. I carry shotguns, handguns and ammo up there."
"You're insane, you know that?"
"And you're my little loonie-in-training. Now let's head home, it's getting dark."
And so the two wandered off to their respective sleeping spots. Hikaru got a thorough dressing-down from his parents for staying out late, and Sotaki just fell asleep.
*****
Yes, another update. No, I'm not dead. Yes, expect more on this and Chaotic Master soon. No, no schedules. Yes, it's for the summer. No, I don't know when I'll stop. Yes, there's a pattern to my answers. No, I can't think of anything else.
chainchomp5
