AN
Ok hey Guys, first a big thanks to the two reviewers of chapter 8. Richard Starkey i'm glad you liked the story, andI have no idea what a C2 is, but please go ahead. And to padfoot1979, thanks so much for reviewing,I really like the feedback, i'm glad you like the characterizations, as i do try hard to keep my characters as real as possible. Ok thanks once again to my Beta for correcting my never ending grammer mistakes,I should also apologise to herbecauseI have started the previous sentence with an 'And' which I have been told is a crime in itself.
So please please review I really do love hearing what you think.
Oh and also once againI apologise for any mistakes in this story to do with the corresponding episode. Hope you enjoy and please review.
Disclaimer: Once againI neither own nor ever will any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the show 'Lost'.
Chapter 9
This was stupid, she knew it now, and she had known it then, yet still she was determined to go against all her better judgement, on this ridiculous expedition which was likely to get her and her companion killed. Not that she had asked him to come. No, she certainly hadn't; in fact she had gone out of her way to not mention her plan, knowing that he wouldn't approve. Of course anyone with more than two brain cells would disapprove, but had that deterred her? No of course it hadn't, she still had to come out here and try anyway.
She hadn't slept in two days, and it had certainly begun to show. Everyone she talked to that morning had told her she looked like hell. The last time she had slept was when Sawyer had been injured, and for once she truly had rested, without being troubled by disturbing dreams. Every time she tried to get to sleep now, she was invaded by images of Sayid, alone and in the jungle. Sayid hurt and in pain. Part of her knew it was her guilt that was driving away her reasoning, after all Sayid could look after himself, but she wasn't sure she could take any more of this. She needed to ease her mind, she needed some respite. It was selfish and she knew it. She wasn't coming out here with Sayid's best interests; she was coming with only thoughts of herself in mind.
She had planned it well, or so she thought. She would leave when everyone was busy, and try and follow Sayid's path down the coast. She hadn't planned on what to do when and if she found him, she thought about convincing him to come back with her, but part of her mind told her it was betrayal, so instead she just avoided thinking about it, and focused on making sure he was ok. Of course even the best made plans have their flaws and Alexa had strategically ignored the great gaping flaw that was Sawyer.
Of course, if someone was going to notice her actions it would be him. Neither of them had spoken about what had occurred couple of days ago, and that was how Alexa liked it. Avoidance was a well-practiced technique. The problem with that being there, however, was that no matter how easy their manner towards each other, however comfortable they acted, there was something unspoken between them and it was creating distance.
Sawyer was not the only one acting distant. Kate had strategically avoided talking to her too. As soon as Alexa walked onto a stretch of beach within ten yards of her, she would come up with an excuse to leave. In all honesty Alexa wasn't really that bothered. Sometimes Kate's company provided a welcome distraction from her generally disturbing thoughts, but most of the time there was really nothing they had to say to each other.
The other major problem Alexa faced was Boone. It seemed no matter what Alexa did he was determined to make it as difficult as possible for her, without it being obvious to the others. As for Shannon, Alexa didn't think she had ever met anyone so absolutely different from herself. It was as if Shannon shut her eyes to everything bad that was happening, and Alexa found it so hard to find any common ground for them to talk about, she had eventually given up.
As her lack of sleep began to take its toll, Alexa had concocted her plan, as a last ditch effort to find some peace. She had avoided telling Sawyer, yet she now knew he had suspected all along. She obviously wasn't as cunning as she led herself to believe, either that or Sawyer knew her better than anyone else ever had. The second of those two options provided a certain amount of comfort, but Alexa wasn't ready yet to delve inside and find out why.
That was how she had ended up here, trekking down the beach, in the hopes of happening upon something that could lead them to Sayid. Sawyer was far from joyous at actually looking for him, from what Alexa could see he wouldn't be overly bothered if he was already dead. She wondered why he had come, but the part of her that actually held her tiny shred of confidence knew; he had come for her. She was glad that he felt the need to protect her, but she hadn't wanted him drawn into this. It was her endeavour, however foolish, and she didn't want Sawyer to have to pay the price for it.
She was tired, but then again she had been tired for the last two days. She knew they would have to stop because Sawyer would need some sleep, and also it was probably dangerous to travel the island at night. Not that they were exactly defenceless. She also didn't want to miss any clues that could lead them to Sayid, he was probably fine, but Alexa needed to be sure. After another half an hour they stopped and Sawyer lay down to sleep, Alexa simply sat staring at the ocean, she knew if she did fall asleep then she would dream, and it would bring her no true rest.
"Lex? You still awake?" He questioned after a while.
"Yep. Can't sleep." She answered simply.
"Seems to be happening a lot recently" He observed, she just nodded, wondering if he could even see her gesture before muttering:
"Stupid dreams. Stupid conscience."
"Alexa maybe you should at least try. I don't want you fainting from exhaustion, especially since your so damned set on finding that Arab." He commented.
"You're probably right, but then again I never was too good at listening to good advice." She said remembering once again the hospital room and the dying figure.
"Feel like talking about" He asked.
"Someday….maybe…." She answered faintly.
"It's not just going to go away Lex. There has to be a reason it's haunting you so much." He said sensibly.
"I know. I just don't think I can deal with it right now, there's just too much stuff. I just hope maybe finding Sayid will help." She replied.
"I hate to be a pain …" Alexa cut him off;
"No you don't."
"Ok well maybe I don't, but even if finding the Arab does help, which I have no idea why it would, it'll only be temporary. These dreams aren't just gonna go away."
Alexa knew Sawyer was right, and she really wished he wasn't, but after so long of running, Alexa was finding it hard to stand and face the things she had turned her back on for so long. A single tear slipped down her face, Alexa hoped Sawyer hadn't seen it, but by the looks of things he had.
"Lex, come here." He said gently. She acquiesced and moved closer, he reached up and wiped the tear from her cheek, and then wrapped his arms around her. He slept and she relished in the comfort that being in his arms brought her. She couldn't sleep, but the feeling of being safe and cared for, relieved some of the exhaustion. He awoke a while later and they got ready to set off again. Sawyer asked if she had gotten any sleep, and for a second she thought of lying just to make him happy, but she knew he would see through her, so instead she just replied with a simple shake of her head.
As they set off, Alexa looked across at Sawyer and saw his face was set with determination. He shouldn't be here she realised. Sayid had tortured him for gods sake and here she was dragging him into the unknown after a man who he hated and had almost killed him, just so she could fill some moral duty she seemed to have given herself. She argued with herself, she should just head back now, she should just stop and turn around, whilst they were both unharmed. She knew they should, so why couldn't she? Alexa had no answer, but she had to give him the chance; she just had to.
She stopped and he moved on ahead before realising that she wasn't by his side.
"Lex, come on." He said impatiently.
"I can't do this to you Sawyer" she struggled out "We should…we should go back, this is stupid." She finished lamely.
"I coulda told you that Lex." He laughed "But we ain't heading back, just cos you know I hate the Arab. Cos I ain't doing this for him Lex, I'm doing this for you, cos however hard I tried to say otherwise, you mean something to me, and I'm not willing to lose that. I know you need this so come on, lets go find the bloody Arab and get it over and done with." Alexa smiled and laughed before moving over and grabbing Sawyer's hand as they began to walk again.
She couldn't begin to comprehend this; he was truly willing to come with her, to find a guy he hated and was virtually mortal enemies with, just to set her mind at ease. She couldn't believe he was willing to do this for her; for her; not for Kate but for her. The distance that was between them didn't seem so great anymore, and part of her began to believe that maybe even in the darkest of times there could be some good, maybe it would work out just as she hoped. She looked around at the island and then at Sawyer. Or then, maybe it wouldn't.
They had yet to find any sign of Sayid, and they were virtually travelling blind. Neither of them was expert at knowing what they were looking for, so they were just hoping that maybe something would become evident soon. Then again if Sayid didn't want to be found, then Alexa had no doubt that he would know how to keep himself hidden. The hours passed and there was still nothing, and Alexa got the feeling that Sawyer was regretting his decision; oh yes he cared, but only up to a certain point.
Suddenly he stopped and he just looked at Alexa. She held his gaze, but couldn't decipher what she saw there.
"I think we gotta head back Lex." He said his voice hard, and Alexa wasn't sure she liked the tone.
"Go ahead" She had got so far now she wasn't ready to give up.
"You were right Lex, I ain't gonna risk my neck for some bloody Arab who nearly killed me, we've been walking for hours and as far as I'm concerned he's fine, and if he's not, well, it's not really any loss." Alexa flinched slightly at his words, but they were exactly what she had thought earlier, the strange thing was it was as if some remarkable change had come over Sawyer reverting him back to the man that everyone believed he was, not the man she knew him to be.
"I understand Sawyer, but I can't just give up now. I have to keep going." She said
"Oh right go ahead Lex, just choose the Arab over me why don't you." His voice didn't sound all that serious, but Alexa realised this was an issue haunting him just as much as the issue with Kate was haunting her.
"Sawyer look, it's not like that. I'm not putting one of you before the other I swear it. You don't know how much this is killing me. Part of me wants so much to stop and come back with you and apologise for even trying this in the first place."
"Then listen to it Lex." Sawyer said.
"I can't Sawyer that's the thing because the other part of me, knows I will never get any peace if I just give up now. I can't just leave Sayid to his fate whatever it may be, you may be right, he may be fine, but I can't just leave it. I can't…" She said desperately.
"Sounds to me like your trying to convince yourself here Lex." Sawyer said with a sad shrug. They stared at each other and Alexa realised just how much there truly was that stood between them. No matter what she did, her friendship with Sayid was always going to be an issue, an understandable one, but still an issue. It also worked the other way though, there would always be something there with Kate and him, some kind of connection, and Alexa couldn't trust that Sawyer wouldn't revert to his past and just leave with Kate. Alexa saw that he understood too, and was filled with a deep sadness that stretched to the bottom of her soul. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe they were just too similar. Inside Alexa cried out that this wasn't so, that it could work that they could be together, but for the moment they both needed more time. Alexa only wondered if there would ever be enough time for them, maybe some wounds were just too deep.
Sawyer moved and enveloped her in a hug, and she hugged him back just as tightly. As they broke away Alexa's eyes were filled with tears:
"I get why you have to do this Lex, but do you get why I can't?" He questioned. She just nodded mutely afraid to speak and say something she might regret.
"I don't want to leave you unprotected, but I know you can take care of yourself. Just swear me you'll be careful and remember I promise that I'll always be there." Alexa made no reply as he walked away, and she realised it hurt more for him to leave like this than if he were angry with her, there were no excuses this way.
"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered but her words were blown away by the wind, and Alexa turned back with a heavy heart. She wondered how a few days ago she was so filled with hope, but now she was tired, and sad, her hope was buried deep within, and she once again began to fear what tomorrow would bring. There was no deep comforting southern voice anymore to take away the fear, neither were there any flashbacks to the past of a figure she had known so well, a figure she trusted, and who had been there till the day they died.
Alexa had traipsed silently for hours before she found something that had made her stray from her earlier path. She didn't know if it was really a sign of Sayid, but she didn't care; it gave her purpose, so she followed the trail into the jungle. The part of the jungle she found herself in now was completely unknown, Alexa worried about whether she would be to find her way back if she ever found Sayid. She moved deeper in and thought she heard voices from somewhere beneath her. She listened and sure enough a few yards to the right she saw an opening and voices along with the faint sound of music were heard.
Alexa moved closer, still hidden within the undergrowth, she had trouble catching what the voices were saying but the voice seemed to get closer as it spoke:
"Poor Sayid, there are no such thing as monsters" Alexa's heart jumped as the woman's voice said Sayid. He was here, she had found him. Alexa moved backwards slightly as a woman's head appeared and began to climb out holding some weaponry. At that point Alexa heard the roar from a distance. The woman's head turned towards the sound before she headed off in that direction. Alexa let out her breath as the woman moved away, she dreaded to think what would have happened if she had found her.
Alexa stealthily moved to the opening and climbed down she looked around and caught sight of Sayid. It looked like he was sat by the desk bent over his feet, Alexa quickly realised that he had been chained to the desk and it seemed he was trying to break free.
"Sayid" she hissed quietly, Sayid jumped and nearly hit his head on the desk
"Alexa is it you?" he questioned
"Of course it is, who were you expecting the Easter bunny?" She asked annoyed.
"Alexa what are you doing here." He asked
"Coming to your aid, what does it look like?" she said as she moved closer
"That was…." He began.
"Don't lecture me Sayid, I know it was stupid, and I've already lost something important to me because of it." She said bitterly, Sayid looked at her questioningly before setting back to work on his chains.
"Key?" she asked as she watched his painstakingly slow work
"Danielle took it with her." He answered
"By Danielle I'm assuming you mean the crazy woman." She said
"She is Danielle Rousseau; she is the French woman on the transmission." Sayid replied. Alexa was shocked, the woman outside was the same woman who had been playing that signal for 16 years running. She watched as Sayid struggled with the chains, and went to his aid. With them both working Sayid was out after a few minutes, it was only after he stood up that Alexa realised he was injured.
He began to gather as much stuff as possible; Alexa joined in picking up maps and charts from the tables as quickly as possible.
"Come on we have to go now." Alexa said as Sayid searched, he looked at her and nodded, Sayid struggled to leave with his bad leg even with Alexa helping him, and he leaned against as her as they climbed out. In front they heard rustling and the obvious sound of someone's footsteps, and by unspoken agreement they moved into the undergrowth, and watched as Danielle appeared. Sayid rushed out as her back was turned, and asked her to drop her weapon. Alexa silently moved out behind Sayid and stood watching the exchange. There was nothing she could do, but as the French woman caught sight of her, she turned her attention from Sayid and to Alexa.
"I know who you are." She informed her confidently. Alexa was slightly freaked out by the manner at which Danielle had so boldly said that.
"I'm sure you do." Alexa retorted
"They will get you again." She said, and Alexa couldn't help but shiver when Danielle said they "They didn't know your importance before. They won't make the same mistake again." Alexa felt fear fill her, as memories of the dark place in the forest the bone chilling voices, and the flash of silver in the dark. Sayid was staring at Alexa, and she wondered if he could see her fear, Danielle turned back to Sayid and spoke as if Alexa was no longer there.
Sayid dropped his gun as Danielle told him she would allow him to leave but she wouldn't return with them, she turned to walk away but not before looking once more at Alexa, and the cold look in her gaze scared Alexa more than any more of her words could. The woman was crazy there was no truth in her words right? Alexa was having trouble convincing herself, as she allowed Sayid to lean on her as they made there way back to the beach. She had come in search of setting her mind at ease, and in a way she had, but in the process she had lost something that she didn't know if she could regain, and along with that, she also created more questions: questions that needed answers, but Alexa had no idea where to get them.
"What do you think Danielle spoke of when she talked to you?" Sayid asked
"I'm not sure Sayid, but she seemed so certain." Alexa said. Sayid looked just as confused as she felt, but inside she still felt fear, who were they? What did they want?
"Alexa" Sayid began "Thank you, for risking yourself to come for me, thank you."
Alexa just nodded, she was glad she had helped save Sayid, but had it been worth it? She looked at the gratitude in Sayid's face, and realised it had been. She would have never forgiven herself if anything had happened to him and she hadn't been there, she would have forever regretted leaving with Sawyer.
Sayid didn't tell her how stupid she was to come after him, especially when there was a high chance he would have been fine, and Alexa couldn't help but be glad, he understood. She knew as well that on some level he also understood what had happened between her and Sawyer as he questioned her:
"You came here by yourself?"
"For some of the way." She answered unable to keep the sadness from her voice.
"I am sorry Alexa, but even for you I do not think he could have done what you wished." He said, and Alexa knew he understood some of what had gone on.
"I never asked anything of him." She said quietly
"You didn't ask in words, but that isn't your way Alexa, both you and he knew you did not really wish to make this journey alone. You could not have expected him to help me, not after what I did. Think of this Alexa, he got as far as he did for you." Sayid said.
"I don't think I'll ever be enough." She said to Sayid sadly.
"If it is meant to be Alexa then you will know. You told me that once, maybe you should take your own advice." He said lightly.
"Maybe I should Sayid, maybe I should. As for advice, I advise that we stop and rest before we both pass out from exhaustion, or in your case pain." She replied.
They both moved sit down on the beach, to try and rest, but as the wind howled around them, they both heard the whisper of voices on the wind. Alexa turned startled as a voice spoke in her ear, she turned frantic for a minute, but found nothing; she turned to see if Sayid had heard anything but he seemed oblivious. Probably just my imagination she told herself before trying to get some sleep.
She thought of Sawyer for a long time, and had a lot of conflicting emotions. She knew that she longed for more than friendship, and that maybe he did too, but they were going to have to be more open with each other, and Alexa realised she was going to have to tell him about the past. She knew if she wanted her and Sawyer to ever become anything more than friends then she would have to trust him and he would have to return the favour. She knew some of his past, maybe it was time she took a trip down memory lane, but she feared to go down that path, it was somewhere she hadn't been for so long. Alexa found it ironic that she feared both the past and the future. It seemed the only thing she could cope with was the present, and that was so fleeting that maybe it didn't even count. She had avoided looking back for so long, she didn't want regrets, yet she had so many, it seemed avoiding her past had turned out worse in the end, because her history apparently wasn't quite ready to be ignored. She finally drifted off to sleep with fears of what had been and what was to come, with doubts of what she wanted and whether she would get it, but deep inside that tiny flicker of hope struggled to be seen among the blackness of Alexa's despair and……
Of course she was back, back among the darkness, she looked around for the candle only to realise there was none, all that remained was a tiny glowing ember, and whispers swirled in the wind.
"They'll get you again Alexa." Said Danielle's voice.
"You will know if it is meant to be" Said Sayid's voice.
"We all make mistakes Lex" said Sawyer's voice.
Alexa twisted trying to find the source of the voices, but instead her ears only met the sound of sinister laughter, triumphant laughter.
A scene Alexa didn't normally dream came into view she was sat in a garden under a tree, she looked younger and next to her sat another figure; a girl about her age, and they were talking.
"It's not the end of the world Lex." The girl said.
"I know, I just wish, I wish it could have been different."
"You always do Lex, that's the thing you can never be happy with what you have, you always expect something bad to happen when things are going well."
"That's because bad stuff generally does happen." She answered.
"I know you don't have the best of luck Lex, but things will turn out ok in the end. You'll see." The voice sounded confident, she heard herself laugh.
"Glad you're so confident….anyway I have to go I don't want to miss my flight." She said briskly
"Wait before you go I have to tell you something….."
"Can't it wait?" she asked impatiently.
"I suppose so" the voice said reluctantly.
"I'm so sorry. I should have stayed that day and heard you out, I'm so sorry, please forgive me." She whispered to the now empty darkness.
"There was nothing to forgive. You just have to forgive yourself." A voice replied, Alexa turned to face the voice which came from behind her but then darkness………
Ok guys I know i always ask this but please can you review, please?
