AN

Ok sorry it's been so long since my last update,I have been finding it hard to get inspiration, butI have some more ideas for this story now so hopefully it will get back on track. Once again huge thanks to my beta, who has decided thatI deserve a round of applause for correctly using commas within a whole sentence, andI knowI complain butI thank her for whining at me to get writing. Also a big thanks to my one reviewer for the last chapter Jedi Padfoot, andI hope you continue to read and enjoy.

Lastly one point about this chapter,although it does seem unresolved in parts, there is purpose for this, andI once again apologise for anything tooOOC. I alsofeel it is prudent to point out that I myself have doubts about this chapter, but part of me liked it, soI am keeping it as it is.

Disclaimer: Surprise Surprise,I neither own or ever will any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the Tv show 'Lost'

Please review


Chapter 12

Alexa awoke, for once feeling like she had actually rested, and as she opened her eyes the bright sunlight temporarily blinded her and she actually contemplated going back to sleep. That idea was stomped on when loud voices invaded her ears.

"It's not as if it means anything!" A female voice said.

"Well then you wont have a problem with me keeping it will you?" Said the voice which was undeniably Sawyer's.

"Fine just keep it!" Said the female voice which Alexa finally realised was Kate's. She kept her eyes closed all through their loud discussion hoping to keep up the pretence of sleep, so they wouldn't know she had heard them. She felt, rather than heard, Sawyer's presence by her back, and heard him muttering under his breath. She turned and faked a yawn as if she had just woken up. She opened her eyes and looked up at Sawyer who was now looking down at her a concerned smile on his face.

"Sleep well?" He asked. Alexa was about to reply when she caught sight of something clutched tightly in his hands. On closer inspection she realised it seemed to be a silver case of some kind. When Sawyer realised the direction of her gaze he hastily moved the case behind him. She raised her eyebrows at him but didn't question, and instead went back to what she was about to say, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Better than I'm used to thanks." Alexa said as she stretched and moved to get up.

"Alexa about yesterday…" Sawyer began. Alexa flinched she had forgotten about yesterday but as soon as he mentioned it the memories came flooding back. The rain and the dark void from which there seemed to be no escape, but also there had been something inviting about the darkness, something had drawn her just to give up to let go of all the problems that were plaguing her. Part of Alexa had known though; that it wasn't the answer. That although it would have taken away her fears it would have also taken her hope and joy and everything that made Alexa who she was, she would just have been an empty shell. Alexa shivered at how close she had come to her own demise, she had been so afraid of being attacked by whatever was on the island, she hadn't even looked at the idea of fighting with herself, she had never seen the real threat which her inner demons posed. It seemed that Alexa was her own worst enemy at times, and she had no idea how to deal with it.

Alexa finally zoned back in to what Sawyer was saying, but it seemed he had stopped and was looking at her with an expression that Alexa could not read.

"I think you should see Jack." He said, his voice betraying emotions that she knew he wished he could have hidden, she saw that he was afraid for her, but part of him was loathe for her to have to go to Jack for help, even if he knew it was best for her. Alexa on the other hand didn't want to go to Jack, she had enough problems without everyone on the island worrying for her mental health, and it was bad enough that Sawyer knew, but she trusted him enough not to tell her she was insane. Plus what could Jack do, really? He was a spinal surgeon not a psychiatrist, knowing him he'd give her sleeping pills and tell her she was hallucinating just like he had Claire. Look how that one had turned out.

"I can't….." Alexa started but Sawyer cut her off again.

"I know he's a jackass, but he's a doctor and I think whatever it is could be kinda dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you Lex." He said his voice uncharacteristically serious.

"Believe me that's not what I'm intending, but I don't want to add to Jack's problems just cos I can't sleep. Plus people already think I'm insane I don't want people to know Sawyer. Please can you trust me to work this out on my own?" She pleaded. 'If only I knew how' she added silently to herself. Sawyer still looked doubtful, but it seemed he had other things on his mind at the moment as his hand went unconsciously to the case he had unsuccessfully tried to hide behind him. If Alexa hadn't had her own problems she would have asked him what was going on, and found out what it was, but as it stood Alexa decided to let it lie.

Alexa decided to leave Sawyer to his own thoughts, she planned on heading down to the beach. Considering that was her place of residence for the moment she wasn't really spending any time there at the moment. Alexa moved to stand up giving one passing look at Sawyer, who quicker than she could see grabbed her hand.

"Be careful Alexa please, I don't know what I'd do if……." He left his sentence hanging, and Alexa understood that he couldn't finish it, but she got the gist of what he was about to say, and felt something inside stir at his concern for her.

"I promise to be careful Sawyer, I'll see you soon." Alexa said. She squeezed his hand gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed off stopping once at the cave mouth and looking back.

"Oh and Sawyer….. Thanks" She said quietly, but by the look he gave her she knew he had heard. The journey to the beach wasn't a particularly long one, but Alexa couldn't help but feel uneasy as she treaded its paths once again. So much had happened here. Alexa struggled to find something good that occurred.

It wasn't just the jungle, it was the whole island, it gave off an air of mystery, it was human to fear the unknown and Alexa had no problems admitting she was afraid. Part of her longed to know what it was she feared, what it was they all feared, but another part of her thought that maybe some things were better left alone.

As Alexa thought this she realised she always had these thoughts; thoughts that conflicted with each other, almost as if she was always arguing with herself, conflicting ideas opinions and emotions. Alexa knew little about the human psyche, but she had known someone who knew a whole lot about it, and spending time with a person who thought of things on levels like that often brought a new perspective to things. In this case it allowed Alexa to question herself and allowed her to see herself differently. She wasn't very good at it, just as most people weren't, everyone tended to look at themselves in a specific way and it is hard to change someone's view of themselves. What she did realise was that there were a lot of things that she needed to face. She had faced some of them by just admitting the need to stop running, to stop hiding. One of the biggest questions Alexa wondered was: if she hadn't come here, would she ever have stopped running?

Alexa's musings brought her to the beach, which was a bustle of activity compared to the caves. Considering many of these people had decided to relocate to the caves they liked to spend an awful lot of time on the beach. She spotted Sayid and Jack holding a conversation by the signal fire, which Sawyer had kept burning whilst they had been gone. She wondered whether she should go over and talk to them, but before she had chance to even move nearer she felt eyes on her. She turned wondering if someone really was watching her, or she was just paranoid and caught a pair of green eyes staring in her direction. She covertly stared back wondering if he would notice that she was also watching him. Their eyes locked after mere moments and Alexa was taken aback at what she saw there. The hatred that seemed to burn so long was now replaced with a deep sadness. Alexa wondered if she had read it wrong, or if he was looking at someone behind her. Yet she couldn't shake the feeling that his gaze had been directed at her, and she had been right.

Every day she spent on this island just seemed to be getting stranger, and instead of solving any mysteries all she seemed to be doing was getting tangled deeper into them. It seemed that some of them were out of her control, for example the owner of the green eyes. He had to make his own decisions whether to tell her what he knew, because there was no way she would convince him. On the other hand if she could just remember, just remember what she had done, because she knew now she had done something, but whatever it was she had buried deep and however hard she struggled she doubted it would overcome the myriad of other dark thoughts and memories within her mind. After last night when she had known she was getting closer, there had been something, but it was not something Alexa took pleasure in. It was a deep resonating guilt, built up over years of remorse and sorrow. Alexa knew guilt she knew its feelings and she had always hated it, yet she had so much. There were her dreams of course; which were always sad, and Alexa could never shake the underlying feeling of blame.

She sighed and moved across the sand. It had been days since she felt the sand beneath her shoes so she pulled off her shoes and socks and let the white sand brush across her feet as she meandered down the beach towards the ocean until she felt the cool tingle of water across her feet. Memories both happy and sad resurfaced and Alexa knew that it was time to face at least some of the darkness within her, time to face the past. So Alexa stared out towards the ocean and allowed the memories to take her.

The rain fell heavily and Alexa looked enviously at the people crowded under black umbrellas as they made their way onwards. She knew this was what she would have wanted, she would have wanted rain, and there was more drama in it. Alexa smiled sadly at the thought, as she looked down at her drenched clothes.

Alexa had long since ceased listening to the words of the priest; now this, this she would have hated, meaningless words from something she could never bring herself to truly believe in. But that was what her kin wanted, so that was what they got. Alexa scoffed, why were they even here? They didn't know her in life; did they think they could make up for it now? She was dead for Christ's sake it was a bit late for a family reunion. Alexa felt out of place. She didn't know the people here, and she felt slightly selfish for it, why had she never taken the time to learn anything about her best friends' past?

As the coffin was lowered into the ground Alexa caught the last few words of the priest:

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust……" She knew they would expect her to say something soon but she hadn't prepared anything, so instead she went forward and tried to speak from the heart.

"When they asked me to speak today, I had no idea what to say and to be honest I still have no idea now." Alexa said quietly startling the people in the crowd "You might expect me to stand here and tell you the good things. No the great things that made her my best friend, but you're all her family so you should know why." Alexa paused again she realised she probably wasn't making the best impression but this was so hard, every word was forced she didn't want to talk about it, talking about it meant accepting it and that meant dealing with it and Alexa couldn't deal with it right now.

"There are no words I can say here today that can express the sorrow that I feel, so I'm not even going to try. Instead I'm just going to say goodbye and remember there is always hope no matter what." There was a smattering of applause but it seemed nobody was impressed by her speech, and why would they be? She had said nothing of magnificence but if they had ever known her they would have realised that her last words were the most significant that would be spoken today. Alexa knew if she had spoken from her heart today she would have broken down and cried and this wasn't the time. Maybe it would never be the time.

Alexa couldn't stand around to hear these people speak about her friend as if they knew her, talk about her qualities as if they ever cared. There were only two other people she knew who had the real right to be here, one she knew she would never see again, and the other she wondered if he would ever forgive her, if he would ever forgive himself. She wanted to call him a coward for not being here, but she knew why he wasn't, this service was meaningless, he would come and pay his respects in his own way, like he always had. So why had she come? A sign of respect? Or a sign of duty?

She had wandered away from the service planning on going back and saying what she needed to say when they were all gone. It was too late now. There was so much she regretted not saying, so much she should have done.

"Pondering the world again Alexa?" A deep voice questioned from behind her. She swivelled and looked at the speaker. So he had come after all, he looked as out of place as she did.

"Decided to turn up after all hmm?" She asked him

"Guess so, not really my scene is it? Not really hers either though, sort of thing we expected from you though" Alexa had known him long enough not to take this as an insult.

"I feel out of place." She mumbled. He laughed slightly and a passing woman scowled at them muttering about disrespect.

"At a graveyard? Would have thought this was right up your street." He replied.

"It's not the cemetery, it's just them." She said indicating the group of people stood listening to various speakers about a woman they barely knew.

"Well you never really were one to fit in Alexa." He answered in his smart-alecky way again.

"You know what I mean." She said

"Yeah, it's not just me then." She simply nodded at him and they began to work further away in companionable silence.

"What are you doing here?" she asked after a while

"Some things I gotta say I guess. She said it was never too late to say you're sorry, guess she was wrong this time." Alexa heard how strained his voice was.

"She forgave you, you know? She knew why you did it, and she forgave you." She told him.

"Well that's her way. But I don't think I'll ever forgive myself." Alexa simply nodded she knew what he meant.

"You couldn't have changed it you know? It wouldn't have made any difference." He told her.

"You can't know that." She said shortly

"You're right I can't, but you can't live your life in what ifs, she wouldn't have wanted that." He said.

"We'll never know will we?" Alexa answered her voice bitter and clear that this conversation was over.

They waited hours for everyone to leave before moving over, Alexa let him go over to the grave first, she stood a respectable distance away so she didn't hear what he said that was between him and her. After several minutes he walked over to her and nodded before walking away. He didn't say goodbye, but then again Alexa didn't expect him to, she wondered if she see him again, he was always around somewhere so there was always a chance.

She moved over and looked down at the freshly dug earth that marked the grave before reading the inscription across it

'Beloved daughter and sister.' Not once on it did it mention friend and she knew that it would have hurt him that he didn't get a mention either. She smiled at the next part of the inscription. It had been told to her family countless times that that is what she wanted so they finally relented.

'Never give up hope.'

"I'm trying, I really am, but I don't know where to look for hope anymore. They're all gone, and now who's gonna give me advice when I screw up, who's gonna cheer me up when I'm depressed." She said to the ground her words quiet and the wind the only witness to the fact that they were ever spoken. She wiped her eyes as the tears began to form. This was too hard, it was just too hard.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have been there, I should have been a better friend, I was selfish and I'm sorry. But you weren't meant to go, I was meant to go first remember? You were gonna be the happy one who grew old and had lots of children, I was the crazy one who died young in some tragic accident." Alexa felt a deep sense of anger along with her sadness, the tears were flowing freely now but she was just going to walk away and run from yet another problem…

Alexa felt the tears flow down her face and felt the sadness and the anger, and she knew she had to say it; she had to voice her emotions. She had to set them free.

"Why? Why did you have to go and leave me to deal with everything by myself! You were like my sister, and then you just left. I had to deal with your family and with mine, and him. How could you leave me to face him alone? You goddamn promised me!" Alexa felt the anger and bitterness leave her; she knew know why she was angry, she resented her for leaving. They had been the best of friends since childhood and even when Alexa had left to see the world she had always been there to talk to when Alexa had done something stupid or got herself hurt again. They were as close as sisters. Yet Alexa hadn't even taken the time to learn anything about her best friend's family. She held on to her anger for so long, and now she could finally let go of some of her troubles, things that had haunted her for months now.

The anger had faded, along with some of the troubles, but Alexa still had to deal with the gaping wound within her filled with sorrow. She had dealt with her resentment but thinking about that day had brought to the surface the fact that she had never truly grieved. She turned back to the distant figures on the beach thinking of heading back but she couldn't force herself to leave, she couldn't push down the whirl of emotions anymore.

Instead she sunk down into the sand her face in her hands and wept silently. After a while the tears slowed and it was only then that Alexa felt a presence by her side, it was comforting and somehow familiar. She lifted her tear-stained eyes and looked upon the blurry form of Sawyer, the silver case not far from his side. He looked up as she met his eyes and he instantly opened his arms and pulled her to him, gently stroking her hair.

"You feel like sharing Lex?" he asked after a while.

"Guess so." She mumbled and took a deep breath ready to tell someone a story she had kept locked inside for a long time.

"We were best friends; we had been since we were kids. She was always there. Always. And I….well I guess I wasn't the best of friends to her, she was always there for me to help me out and I didn't know anything about her. I should have been there Sawyer I wasn't even there when she went, when she was diagnosed, she couldn't even tell me. I was always too busy." Alexa paused and took another deep breath drawing strength from Sawyer's arms around her. "She died. About half a year ago now, and I….I just didn't know what to do, I kept hiding from everything. I didn't want to face the fact that she was dead that she was truly gone. And then he was at the funeral to, and I made a mess of that one too." Alexa sighed and moved her face so it lay against Sawyer's chest there was more, there was so much more, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. One step at a time she supposed. How could she tell Sawyer about him, she wasn't even sure she knew the whole story, all she did know was that she did something she wasn't proud of. There was so much guilt. She should have been there. She should have.

Sawyer seemed to sense her inner turmoil and knew she would say no more about the subject so he tried to distract her.

"Hey come on Lex cheer up, you can give me some ideas about this case….." He indicated the silver case to his left, and so he proceeded to explain how he and Kate had found it and how it seemed to mean so much to her that she was going to so much trouble to try and get it back. Alexa didn't even bother to chastise Sawyer about taking the case if it obviously belonged to Kate, because she knew he wouldn't listen so instead she pondered the case's importance.

The day passed slowly, and Alexa spent that time in Sawyer's company. Her mind was avoiding thinking about the past, but inside she knew although there were things she still had to deal with, maybe just maybe she would be able to get through them. She knew he would be there for her, he had proved it countless times, and for once she let her guard down and placed her trust in him.

So as they both sat on the beach a night later, Sawyer pondering the loss of the case to Kate, and Alexa still struggling through her own depth of emotion, they both knew inside that the other would be there for them and took comfort in the fact. Yet neither was ready to look at the deeper meaning or emotions that they both felt. And as the first lines of Shannon's beautiful yet haunting song reached their ears:

"La mer qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs
A des reflets d'argent, la mer... "

They both held some small hope inside; however lost it was among their other thoughts. Hope for the future, and hope that maybe it would work out how they wanted.


As always please give me some feedback and tell me what you think. Thanks a lot.