AN
Ok hey guys, once again sorry it took so long for this chapter, hopefully the next one will be up quicker, because according to my beta leaving it on chapter 13 for so long is bad luck. Anyway thanks to my one reviewer skimmbordergurl, glad you are enjoying the story. Big thanks once again to my beta.
Disclaimer: Big surprise:I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you might recognise from the TV show 'Lost'
Please guys, leave a review for this story, feedback really inspires me to write more.
Chapter 13
The days had begun to pass more quickly for Alexa, and she was slowly losing sight of the hope which everyone else clung to with a passion. The hope of rescue.
She was kept busy of course, by her thoughts of the past, but she soon became bored of sitting idle and went in search of some way in which she could be useful. Sayid struggled on with his work on Danielle's maps and papers, with the help of Shannon -the only one on the island to speak even a little French. Alexa knew she may have been able to help Sayid if only a little with the maps, but she could see he was doing fine on his own, and something told her not to intrude, on his and Shannon's growing friendship. Instead a few days ago she had found herself wandering aimlessly through the jungle just away from the caves, when she had literally stumbled across the Korean woman; Sun, and Kate, tending what looked to be a small garden.
So that was how she was now trekking back through the jungle and back to the beach, in search of some seeds she had left there the previous day. After stumbling across Kate and Sun, she had quickly convinced them to let her help, so she and Sun had been planting the seeds which Kate brought and Alexa had found certain plants and fruits that she doubted Kate knew the position of. No one else knew of the garden yet, but Alexa felt glad that she was finally doing something useful. True it was Sun's idea, and she was the one who really knew what she was doing, but Alexa still felt pride at their achievement, and was happy that she had at least contributed a little.
Alexa arrived back at the beach, and glanced at the people milling around. She looked quizzically at Shannon who was staring at a pair of shoes. Alexa didn't think she had seen Shannon with them before, but she decided not to bother the blonde with trivial questions. Instead she moved over to where she remembered sleeping last night and rifled through her bag, to find what she was looking for. She grabbed what she had found and then swung the bag back over her shoulder before turning back and heading once more towards the jungle. She turned her head and saw Sayid looking at something ahead of where she was walking, and she turned back but she was too late to stop a headlong collision with Boone.
Alexa fell into the sand and saw Boone reach to help her without even looking at who he knocked down. Instead his eyes seemed focused on Sayid and Shannon who were now talking.
"Sor…." Boone cut off his apology when he turned his eyes back to Alexa, realised his mistake and let go of her hand just as she was half way up, making her fall back again. This time Alexa fell heavily and she felt the pain in her ribs flare up as the air was expelled rapidly. She lay on the ground for a few seconds trying to gain her breath back. Once she had done she lifted her head and glared at Boone who still wasn't offering to help her up.
"Well maybe you should be more careful." He sneered as he looked down at her, Alexa was about to retort when a southern voice interrupted them both.
"Hey there Lex. Did you decide it was a good time for a mid morning nap?" he said jokingly as his face appeared above her.
"No I just love the perspective of the sky from down here." She said sarcastically before glaring at Boone once more, then taking Sawyer's hand as he helped her up. She then turned to Sawyer and explained "The idiot and I crashed into each other, and I of course came off worse." Alexa said bitterly, ignoring Boones scoff at her words.
"And he didn't help you up?" Sawyer said filling in the gaps.
"No because that of course would class as a good deed, and The Boy Wonder over there is really against those." Alexa said. She watched as Boone's green eyes looked furiously at her calling him The Boy Wonder. She wondered if his reaction was just to do with her choice of words and the fact that they made him sound childish, or whether there was something deeper. She was beginning to lean towards the latter as echoes of distant memories surfaced, she vaguely remembered herself saying words similar before, but they weren't met with anger.
Boone looked ready to stalk off, but instead he turned towards Sawyer:
"Maybe I should warn you Sawyer, although I wonder why I bother." He said turning his head and looking at Alexa with disgust "You two deserve each other."
"If you've got something to say Metro then just go ahead and say it." Sawyer said warningly; casting a quizzical glance at Alexa who simply shrugged in reply.
"Just thought I should warn you about her." Boone said jerking his head towards Alexa "She's a lying cheating whore, so you might want to think twice about getting involved with her." He finished.
He jogged off to meet Locke and they both headed into the jungle before either Alexa or Sawyer could say anything. Alexa's mind was whirring. Normally she would have just ignored Boone's insults, but his tone of voice sounded bitter, almost as if he really believed every word he said. Why had he told Sawyer? What basis would he have for his insults?
"Look's like you did something to upset the Boy Wonder there Lex." Sawyer said his voice still light and using her nickname for Boone. She felt glad that he hadn't taken any of what Boone said seriously, and she felt pleased that he trusted her on this. It was then however when then it came back to her, she stood staring at the trees into which Boone had left his green eyes still pictured in her memory.
"Oh God……" Alexa said staring at Sawyer as the memories came back "I know what it is."
"What, what is? Hate to say this Lex but you're making even less sense than usual" he said.
"I know why he hates me so much, I remember now." Alexa said staring at him, her eyes wide in recognition.
"You feel like explaining then Lex?" he asked. Alexa looked around suspiciously.
"Not here." She said simply. Sawyer nodded and took her hand pulling her much farther along the beach. Voices of the people around began to fade so only the sound of the ocean could be heard.
"So you said you knew why he hates you so much." Sawyer said as he sat down next to her.
"Yes…I did…." Alexa paused wondering how to best tell him. She had never told anyone before, but to understand the thing with Boone he would have to know it all.
"Ok, you know I told you about my friend?" Alexa asked him. He nodded in reply "Well I didn't tell you about him. He was….well what can I say….he had known us both for a long time, and I was so happy when my friend told me that they were together. As their relationship progressed she told me she loved him, and she had never felt this way before. But I… I felt jealous in some ways. I didn't do anything about it of course. She was my best friend. But I envied her because she loved him and was so happy and he seemed to love her too, whereas all my relationships seemed to fall apart at the seams. I was jealous as well because he seemed so perfect. Everything either of us had ever wanted: the fairy tale prince. So I watched and listened as she told of her love and slowly I let it go, and just let her be happy and tried to move on.
So I started a new relationship, well there were a couple before this specific one, but this is the important one." Alexa paused for breath and looked up at Sawyer, she saw confusion on Sawyer's face as he struggled to understand the relevance to Boone, but she also saw he had understood some of her guilt problems a little more. "Anyway, as you know my friend died, but before she did she told us both she was ill, and well he left her…I tried to place all the blame on her illness, that he left because he couldn't cope, but he…he told me that he didn't love her like he should, and that he wanted to be with me. I should have just told him to go, I was betraying her, but I couldn't. I knew I was wrong so I kept telling him it couldn't be, that she was my best friend. But one day he came to see me, and I didn't tell him to leave, I had just been to see my friend, and she had looked so sad, and there I was with the man she loved." Alexa was crying by this point, she was baring some of her deepest secrets to the man before her, the reasons for some of her guilt. "I didn't…..We didn't really do anything, but I think…no, I know… if the guy I'd been seeing at that time hadn't walked in on us kissing I would have betrayed her even more. As to the point, I now know the guy…the guy I was seeing, the one who walked in on us; it was Boone." Alexa finished and stared at Sawyer.
"If he was your ex, then why didn't you remember him before?" Sawyer asked her.
"I've thought about it, and the only reason I can think of is because our relationship wasn't all that meaningful. My best friend was dying and I was betraying her with the man she loved. I never spared a thought for him. Even when we had been together there was very little between us, I just assumed he felt the same, plus I'm pretty sure he was in love with someone else. Apparently though he still has issues." Alexa finished.
She waited for Sawyer to speak again, but he didn't and Alexa found his silence hardest of all. The tears that had stopped before now returned, she remembered Boone's words and thought maybe he was right, and now Sawyer knows it. He won't want anything to do with me anymore. And why would he? Alexa asked herself bitterly.
She stood up and turned to Sawyer once more, but he once again just ignored her, and Alexa turned away so he wouldn't see the tears anymore. She walked away hoping he would call her back, hoping beyond hope that maybe he would think better of her. Better than she thought of herself, but as she moved further away; she knew. She knew he wasn't going to call her back. Why would he? What reason had she given him to trust her? She had kept secrets from him, kept the past with Boone secret, even if it was secret from her as well. He probably thought that she would betray him too. Just like she had everyone else: Her best friend, Boone, Even herself. No wonder he couldn't trust her, look at what sort of person she was.
She tried to shake off her thoughts and was determined to make her way back to where Sun and Kate were working on the garden, but as she drew closer, she didn't really feel like their company. Kate was observant enough to know something was wrong, but not understanding enough to see she didn't want to talk about it. Instead Alexa turned back and slowly meandered through the jungle. Thoughts of the past and the present mixed, and Alexa felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to see Sayid as she nearly stumbled over him.
He was looking over one of the maps that he had taken from the French woman, and he looked like he was trying to get a makeshift compass to work. She watched as he sighed in frustration, obviously not receiving the results he had hoped for, before turning and noticing her presence.
"Alexa." He said as he acknowledged her with a nod. If he sensed her mood he made no indication of it, but she and Sayid had not been as close recently especially after the episode with Sawyer. They were still friends, but it seemed Sayid had found someone else who he talked to.
"Compass?" She questioned as she moved forward and looked at the maps in front of Sayid. Before Sayid could reply they were both startled by the voice of a man to their left. Alexa looked up and saw it was the man Locke who had left earlier with Boone. That was a point: Boone. Alexa knew she needed to talk to him, he couldn't keep his hatred of her up any longer, she needed to talk to him, tell him she was sorry…well maybe.
She turned, ready to walk away, as she could see Sayid and Locke talking, but she looked back and saw Locke passing a compass to Sayid. He then walked over to her and indicted to her to walk with him, she simply nodded and they both headed back towards the beach.
"How are you Alexa?" He asked her. Alexa resisted the urge to say something sarcastic and instead simply raised her eyebrow at him. He was intelligent he would understand its meaning. Before Locke could answer another question Alexa decided to ask him about Boone.
"Do you know where I could find Boone?" She asked him.
"I haven't seen him since this morning" Locke replied. Alexa glanced sideways at him; it seemed slightly doubtful being as Locke and Boone had spent the best part of the whole week together in the jungle etc, but then again, who was she to judge? Boone didn't seem to be the most reliable. That was another thing; Alexa was having real trouble remembering the little she knew about Boone. Boy was she self-absorbed. She had dated the guy, and then forgotten he existed, and when she did remember she could barely pull up any facts about him.
"You don't trust me." Locke said casually.
"I don't trust many people." Alexa said evading the question slightly. What she said had been technically true, but there was something about Locke that made her uneasy. She couldn't pinpoint what it was, and knowing her it would just be her paranoia, yet the fact that Locke seemed to have an uncanny ability to know what was going on made her question him. True he probably had valid and logical reasons for everything, but really what sort of person brings a case full of knives onto a plane? Alexa was startled out of her musings by Locke speaking again.
"Why did you want to see Boone?" He asked her. Alexa wasn't sure how much to tell him, or not to as the case may be. It could do little harm, but Alexa had had trouble telling Sawyer, the one person on this island she trusted more than any other, why on earth would she trust a man who all instincts were telling her was not trustworthy?
"I needed to tell him something." She said shortly.
"From what I know of you to, I doubt Boone will let you talk to him." Locke said. Yet his eyes held some knowledge that Alexa wondered about.
"Probably not, but I need to tell him I'm sorry." She whispered more to herself than to Locke, but she didn't doubt that he had heard her.
"What will you do if he forgives you?" Locke asked her. Alexa didn't pause to think before she answered; if she had she may have wondered how Locke knew she needed forgiving.
"Probably exactly the same thing I'll do if he doesn't." Alexa said. Once again the answer was meant more to confirm thoughts inside than to answer Locke.
"He's not the one you truly want forgiveness from." Locke said simply.
"No," Alexa said "I suppose he isn't." Alexa thought about her answer and knew it to be truth. Although what she had done to Boone had been wrong, his reaction and hatred had only bothered her because it had seemed unprovoked. Now that she had reasons for his actions she understood. She needed to say sorry, but realised if he didn't accept it she wouldn't care. They weren't close now, and Alexa knew they had never been close then; they had kept too much from each other even when they had been together, and as Alexa had told Sawyer, the way Boone acted made it obvious he was in love with someone else. However there were people Alexa did need forgiveness from, one of them was gone, and she knew that it was too late now, she had betrayed her, and she would have to learn to live with the guilt that came as a consequence of her own mistakes. The other though, Alexa found herself wondering about how much she cared what he thought, how much she cared that he still treated her the same, still trusted her as she did him. She hoped that he knew she would never do something like that again, but what guarantee did he have? Apart from her word, she only hoped that he knew her well enough.
It was only Alexa was through with her thoughts that she noticed he had long since left, and she was walking in circles. Really need to pay more attention Alexa thought to herself. She knew she was walking in circles as she found herself in nearly the exact same spot she had seen Sayid in earlier. She looked up to see Jack and walked over. Ever since Jack's reprimand of her rescue of Sayid, Alexa had held him in contempt, but she recognised he was good at his job and had secrets and fears just as the rest of them did. Just like Sawyer however, that didn't mean she had to like him.
"Alexa." He acknowledged as she moved nearer.
"Jack." She replied in the same even tone. They were saved having to force conversation by Sayid's presence. His expression was confused but also slightly suspicious, and in his left hand he held the compass which Locke had given him earlier. He looked up when he saw Jack and Alexa and moved closer to talk with them.
"Which way is North?" He asked them. Jack and Alexa shared equally bemused looks: Sayid was the one with the compass yet he was asking them for directions. However odd though, they both trusted Sayid's judgement and decided to humour him. Alexa looked to where she knew the sun rose, logically assuming that was East, and just as Jack came to the same conclusion they both pointed slightly ahead of them but a little to the left.
"Yes that was what I would assume too." Sayid said as he looked at the direction they had indicated. "Yet look at this." Sayid held the compass so both Jack and Alexa could clearly see its face. The needle stopped moving and Alexa followed its path with her eyes. Seeing where it showed Alexa raised her eyebrows at Sayid in question, but it was Jack who said what they were all thinking.
"But that is…." He was cut off by Sayid who finished the sentence
"In the wrong direction. I know." He said darkly before proceeding to explain "Slight magnetic disturbances may account for slight discrepancies, but an inaccuracy of this magnitude…" Sayid left the sentence hanging, and Alexa knew what he meant. The compass was obviously wrong. It was only then that Alexa understood Sayid's suspicious look, Locke had given him the compass, and coincidentally enough it didn't work, and had Sayid tried to use it, he would have been sent the wrong way. Alexa pondered it for a second, Locke couldn't have known it was broken, because if he did what would be the point in giving it to Sayid? Unless he was deliberately trying to put Sayid on the wrong track, but once again it didn't make any sense. As everyone knew Sayid was intelligent and any idiot could have found North by looking at the sunrise or sunset, so he would have found the mistake easily.
Alexa tried to shrug off her suspicions, it was probably an honest mistake, the man had lived through a plane crash, Alexa was surprised the compass was still in one piece. Alexa wondered if maybe it was working, but the island was affecting it, but then laughed at herself; that was ridiculous, it wasn't like they were in the Bermuda triangle. Once again Alexa struggled to keep her unruly thoughts at bay, but unfortunately, that brought another matter to Alexa's mind, one which was equally as awkward. Alexa had failed in her search to find Boone, yet she was pretty certain she knew where Sawyer would be. It was probably about time she went and talked to him.
She excused herself as she left Jack and Sayid, and was glad they were too distracted to notice it was getting dark, as she had no doubt that they would try and escort her, and she didn't really feel up to talking with them. Alexa arrived back on the beach just as the sun had begun to set, she looked around but didn't instantly notice Boone, she saw Shannon once again sunbathing, but there was no green-eyed man near by as normal. So Alexa resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to have the much harder conversation. With Boone she had no doubt that it may have turned into a blazing row, and with Sawyer she had little such worries, yet as she had thought, she didn't really care what Boone thought of her. Yet Sawyer's opinion meant more to her than she could say.
She pushed open the flap of the infirmary tent only to see, Sawyer reading a book. She took a deep breath and began to talk before he could even get a word in.
"Ok Sawyer, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I didn't tell you of my past sooner, and I'm sorry I kept secrets from you. I don't know what else to say really, I know what I did was wrong, but well none of my offences have been against you, and well I just hope that you still trust me." Alexa finished her speech rapidly and looked up from the floor where she had been studiously speaking to her feet only to see Sawyer's extremely amused face looking at her.
"What you talking about Lex. You got nothing to be sorry for." Sawyer said with a small laugh.
"What? But I thought when I told you and you wouldn't talk to me…" Alexa struggled to finish her sentence and luckily Sawyer cut her off.
"It wasn't anything against you Lex. I'm not insulted you didn't tell me, it's a hard thing to let anyone know, and I'm kinda glad you trusted me with it, cos most of the people round here would definitely not. I was actually more annoyed with Metro, cos I still think you should a let me beat the hell out of him for the way he's treating you. We all make mistakes Lex, Boone's just using you to take out his anger." Sawyer finished what he said and looked back at Lex. She remembered Boone's words from earlier and then smiled at Sawyer's defence of her.
"Yer you're right, maybe I should've let you." She answered. They both smiled and Alexa moved closer. Sawyer of course wasted no time in pulling her down so she was lying on the ground next to him. He gently kissed her on the lips. It wasn't as passionate as before, but Alexa found herself just as happy about it, she kissed him back and felt the same feeling she had before yet had no time to decipher it before they both broke the kiss with a little regret. Alexa laid her head back on Sawyer's chest; she looked at the book that Sawyer had lifted back up with one hand, whilst the other gently stroked her hair.
"So, what are we reading this time?"
Doubt it will make much difference: but please feel free to review asnd tell me what you think.
