AN

Hey guys, sorry this chapter took so long, you can blame my Beta, she was out of the country, or so she says. Anyway big thanks to the reviewer from the last chapter steam rolled harry potter, your positive comments really helped. Anyway please could you guys review and tell me what you think because i'm starting to wonder if anyone even likes this. The story will continue regardless, because my Beta won't letme give up, but without reviews i don't think it will be posted on here. So please guys, review, tell me if you like this or not.

Disclaimer: The characters, quotesor plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost' do not belong to me.

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Chapter 16

Alexa awoke disorientated. Vague memories of the horrors of the previous night flashed in front of her eyes, and she groaned at the thought. She stretched but was stopped by a burning pain across her back.

"Ok probably not the best idea." She mumbled as she lay her head back down. The pain in her back was bad, but not as bad as when she had cracked her ribs, so she assumed they had been treated in some way.

It was only after this, that Alexa opened her eyes and took in her surroundings: She was at the caves, and people were milling around as usual. She frowned slightly at a man who was giving her a terrified look, and then to her left at a woman who had gone as far out of her way as possible to avoid Alexa. Bewildered by these strangers' reactions Alexa looked down at herself for some hint as to why they had reacted as they did. Had she suddenly grown another arm or something? Nope all her limbs seemed to be normal and in working order. Instead Alexa looked around for a familiar face who could hopefully explain to her what was going on.

Unconsciously she realised she had instantly sought out Sawyer, and felt her heart sink at the lack of his presence. She wondered where he was, and then laughed. This was Sawyer; he could be anywhere! It was stupid to think he would stick around if he knew she was going to be ok, he wasn't exactly the most sociable of people.

By the time another two people had strategically avoided her gaze, Alexa was getting annoyed. Just as she was about to pull herself up and go in search of answers, Jack, Boone and Locke entered the caves. Seeing that Alexa was awake the group made their way over. Boone's normally disgusted face, was held in an expression that Alexa could not decipher, and Locke was as unreadable as ever, but Alexa felt glad to see that at least Jack looked a little concerned.

"How are you feeling Alexa?" Jack asked her.

"Kinda like a walking pincushion. But I'm also as confused as hell." She answered. Jack frowned at her answer before speaking again.

"What do you remember of what happened?" he asked her. Alexa let her mind travel back to the previous night, and the tangle of events slowly unravelled.

"Well I was in the jungle, and I fell. And next thing I know its dark and I'm in a different part of the jungle being held back by Sayid. I'm covered in blood, and have a dead man at my feet." She told them forcing her voice to remain emotionless. She also remembered freaking out about not knowing whose blood it was, or where she had been.

"You passed out shortly after that." Jack told her "It was only after that that we found out about the blood."

"What about the blood." She asked worriedly.

"It was yours Alexa. There was about three deep scratches in your back and shoulder, I would have assumed you had been attacked by some sort of animal had the wounds been less precision than they were. To be perfectly honest it looks as if they put there by a knife." He told her.

Alexa carefully controlled her breathing, and put up the facade of calm. Inside she was in turmoil. How the hell do you get attacked by someone with a knife and not remember? It was then that Alexa thought about the blood on her hands - how had that got there? She could have put her hands to her back after the wounds were inflicted, but she didn't remember doing so. Then again she didn't remember getting them in the first place. The other two options were even less appealing: either she had inflicted them herself, which seemed unlikely if only because she would have had to have gone to a lot of trouble to get hold of a knife and hurt herself on her back. Or the blood on her hands hadn't been hers, and it had been someone else's, but if it was then whose?

Alexa forced her mind off that thought, for a moment and turned back to Jack, more questions brewing in her mind.

"Well this still doesn't explain why people are avoiding me." She said to them. Jack looked slightly worried then.

"Well the thing is, Charlie told people what happened, and how it looked like you were trying to help Ethan and kill Claire. And plus last night when I put stitches in your wounds you were talking in your sleep, and it didn't exactly sound pretty. As well as all the blood which made them believe Charlie even more. Not that others helped." He said as he shot Boone a glare.

"Oh this is just bloody perfect isn't it?" She said with frustration "People I don't even know now think I'm a crazed psychopath, and on top of that, I've just lost about three hours of my life in which I got stabbed, and possibly hurt someone, and then tried to assist Claire's abductor. Can this get any worse?" She held up her hand to stop them replying. "Actually on second thoughts don't answer that. If it can I don't want to know."

Alexa stood up and grabbed her bag which someone had thoughtfully placed close by and then turned once more to Jack.

"If you don't mind I'm going to go wash and change these clothes. Walking round covered in blood isn't really doing much for my already shredded image." She turned to walk away.

"Alexa wait." Jack said. Alexa turned back and from Jack's voice she knew she wasn't going to like what he had to say. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, it's just…" He paused hesitantly looking as though he was trying to pick his words carefully.

"Why Jack? Why isn't it such a good idea?" It was then that it dawned on Alexa "Oh God. You don't trust me. You think I did all this out of choice and I'm going to hurt someone." She said.

"No it's not that. If it happens again, you might not be so lucky to just come away with a few scratches." Jack told her.

"If it's me you're worried about then don't bother. From the looks of things, I'm not exactly going to be missed." She said staring at Boone.

"Sawyer." Locke's voice said.

"Oh yer, if he was all that concerned then where is he?" she looked at them all for an answer. She knew inside that she was being unfair; not only to them but to Sawyer, by questioning him, but she didn't really care. She was angry and scared and she was projecting her anger onto others.

"Just leave it Jack. I'm not going to turn into some maniacal criminal and go round butchering everybody, I'm just going to change my bloody clothes." She said, and turned once again to walk away.

"Alexa wait." Jack's voice said again.

"What this time?" she asked frustrated.

"Watch the stitches." He said.

"Will do doc." She said utilising Sawyer's choice of nickname. She stormed out of the caves; bag across her shoulders, her mind reeling from everything that had happened over the last couple of days. Alexa was confused, and even more afraid than she had been to begin with. The prospect of an unknown assailant being after her had been frightening, but not as downright terrifying as the idea that the assailant could be herself.

Alexa still had no memory of what had occurred those hours between her falling and arriving near the guys covered in blood. The truth however, didn't seem to matter to most people, and by the looks of things they were all to ready to believe that Alexa had seriously hurt or killed someone by choice. She knew that she was being hypocritical, as she often judged things by appearance alone, but to be on the other end of it was hard. The worst part was that part of Alexa felt they were justified. That she was dangerous and could hurt someone and that they had every right to be afraid of her.

There was also the nagging part of Alexa that always thought about Sawyer, but now all it was doing was questioning where he was, and why he wasn't there when she needed him? He had promised her that she wouldn't have to face these things alone, that he'd be there, but where was he now? When things got difficult was he just going to run? Exactly like she would a voice said in her head. Then again, maybe Alexa didn't want him involved. She didn't want him hurt, but her heart still longed for his presence, something that had begun to make her feel safe and protected. Without it Alexa felt the fear that she had built walls to keep out creep up on her.

She had taken them down to let Sawyer in.

Arriving at the lake that everyone had been using and finding it unoccupied was a welcome relief. Then again they probably sent out runners warning people away, after hearing she was coming. She waded in and began to wash the blood from herself and her clothes, she watched as the water around her turned red where she passed, and found herself staring into the water. Her reflection looked back at her, but it wasn't one that Alexa instantly recognised. It had been a long time since she had looked at her reflection, and the woman she saw staring back was not the same one who had landed here weeks ago. True in features there was nothing exceptionally different, expect maybe the few inches of hair that had grown, and the blood that now streaked it where she had yet to wash it out. Alexa however could still see subtle differences, her smile looked more natural - as if she was used to wearing it, but her eyes also reflected more emotions than Alexa was used to. Her hand splashed through the water distorting the reflection as she pushed the thoughts from her mind, and washed the remaining blood from her hair.

Out of the water and into dry and clean clothes Alexa already felt slightly better. The absence of the blood allowed her some respite from fighting images of the previous night. She swung her bag on her back, temporarily forgetting about the stitches, and as the bag hit her back she hissed in pain, and quickly dropped it. The paper that she knew was meant to be at the bottom lay on the ground where the bag had opened. She bent down and slowly picked it up, noticing the hasty folding as if someone had quickly folded it back up, and as she unfolded it she saw some specks of mud she certainly didn't remember before. Before she could fold it back up again, her eyes were once again reading the words, and she angrily refolded it, forgetting about the mystery of how it had got to the top of her bag for a while.

She picked her bag back up and put it on her shoulder, and walked back the way she came. After a few minutes Alexa realised that going back to the caves was the last thing she wanted to do, she had had enough dropped gazes, and edgy looks to last her a lifetime. She contemplated going back to the beach, and decided to head in that general direction anyway.

As she passed another patch of undergrowth, Alex heard voices and laughing to her left. She knew she should leave it - it looked to be getting dark soon and after last time she didn't want to be in the jungle at night - but she couldn't fight her curiosity. Instead she crept slowly over to where she had heard the voices, as quiet as possible in the hopes that they wouldn't hear her. As she got closer she recognised the voices as that of Sawyer and then of Kate. She sucked in breath as a twig under her foot snapped loudly, but luckily it seemed Kate was too distracted to notice what she would never have normally missed.

Alexa grew close enough to hear the voices, and then to see the figures of Sawyer and Kate illuminated slightly by the fire in front of them. They were laughing and Alexa saw Kate take a swig of the bottle in front of her. Oh so they were drinking as well. Alexa didn't want to pass judgement, but her head couldn't get beyond the point that Sawyer didn't look all that bothered that for all he knew she could be laid dying in the caves. In fact he looked like he was having a great time. She caught the way he looked at Kate as she laughed at something he said, and felt envy, but also sorrow.

"Come on lets play 'I never'." Sawyer said to Kate. 'I never' Alexa thought, 'what's that?'

"I never?" Kate asked.

"It's where you say something and then if you haven't done it you have to drink. For example I know you never went to college." Kate raised an eyebrow at him as he drank.

"You drink too. If I'm right." His southern voice told her. Kate looked at him sceptically but drank anyway. Alexa had no idea why Sawyer was playing this game, unless it was one of those I want to get to know you better things.

"Ok fine." Kate said "you go first."

"Ok I never…went to Disneyland." Kate took a swig. And Sawyer laughed.

"That's just sad." He told her. Alexa frowned slightly; she had never been to Disneyland, but then again she had never really wanted to.

"What? I just never got the opportunity." She said as looked up at him.

The game continued for a while with simple things like: I never had a pet etc. It was now Sawyer's turn and he looked like he was battling with himself over what he was going to say.

"Ok. I've never been in love." Sawyer said and then drank. Kate raised her eyebrows.

"But what about Al…" Kate never got to finish her sentence.

"Not love." He growled before continuing "Now answer the question." Kate didn't drink.

"There, I've been in love. Happy."

"Ecstatic." He said with a predatory smile.

Alexa didn't want to jump to conclusions, but if she had ever seen anyone else acting like these to were she would assume they were either together or hoping to be. The flirting was obvious on both parts, and the glances were far from covert. Alexa turned her attention back to their words.

"I never kissed a guy before." Sawyer said grinning at her. She looked disapproving but then laughed before taking another swig. They both laughed again and Sawyer told Kate it was her turn. Alexa caught Sawyer's slightly more serious expression before she spoke.

"I never killed a man." she said but didn't drink. To Alexa's surprise neither did Sawyer.

"It seems we have more in common than you thought freckles." His voice was deep as he moved closer to Kate.

"So it does." She replied. Alexa felt her heart rip as Sawyer's lips met Kate's and they began to kiss passionately. Alexa turned in disgust, as she heard Kate's whimper when they pulled apart, and then looked back to find them once again in a heated kiss. Alexa could no longer stand to look, and had absolutely no desire to see where those kisses led to. She quickly and quietly moved away from the scene; the emotional pain in her heart tens times worse than the pain in her back.

Alexa refused to let herself cry as she headed back towards the beach, yet as the tears began to stream down her cheeks she made no effort to stop them. Her mind felt numb, and for that she was thankful, as the pain of old and new wounds intensified in her heart.

"It doesn't matter. They were drunk, it didn't mean anything." She whispered to herself. Yet the words were hollow. This wasn't like before; she hadn't misunderstood, or taken something the wrong way. It was blatantly obvious what their kiss meant.

"It wouldn't matter anyway. It would have never have lasted." She tried instead. Yet once again Alexa could not make herself believe the words. However much she denied it, Alexa had had hopes for a future for her and Sawyer, that maybe what they had was something special.

"Here I was gullible enough to believe I meant anything to him." This time Alexa's words rang true, filled with anger at herself and bitterness at the injustice of life.

She arrived at the beach ignoring the looks from those still awake. Ironic really; a few hours ago and it would have really bothered her, but now, now Alexa couldn't really care less. The revelation that Sawyer had killed a man hadn't come as a surprise to Alexa, but now her mind was working again, the fact that Kate had, certainly was a surprise. Alexa tried to prolong these thoughts, as it kept her mind off the image of Kate and Sawyer, yet as always she failed to do so.

"How could I have been so God damn stupid?" She said as she sat down away from all the sleeping survivors. Because you trusted him, a part of her argued, because you trusted that he meant what he said, and that he felt the same way about you as you did about him.

"Really if you think about logically: I shouldn't be all that bothered, we never really talked about having a formal relationship, I just assumed…" Alexa choked on her words.

"First sign of madness you know?" A voice said from behind her "Talking to yourself." Alexa turned and saw Sayid's profile reflected in the little light from the fire as he moved to sit down.

"Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway." Alexa said as she wiped her eyes trying to hide her tears.

"What is wrong Alexa?" He said his voice serious.

"Nothing." Alexa said, knowing that even to herself that sounded pathetic.

"You do not sit crying over nothing. If it is about yesterday, then we will find out what happened Alexa." He said.

"Thanks, but it's not about that." She said.

"Then what?" He asked again.

"I just made a mistake that's all. And I guess I'm paying for it…" Alexa choked again and the tears came back, as once again the image of Sawyer and Kate formed in her mind.

"It is not you who made the mistake Alexa." Sayid said calmly.

"What?" She asked confused.

"I saw Sawyer leave earlier with Kate whilst you were still unconscious" he replied. "I doubt anything will happen though. Kate hates Sawyer."

"Guess they have a love hate relationship then. Being as I saw them making out not two hours ago, and lets just say if it ends there, Sawyer will be disappointed." She said bitterly.

"It is Sawyer who made the mistake Alexa." He said again.

"I don't get how you work that one out. I was the one naïve enough to think that I could ever be anything more than just a passing fancy, that maybe I actually meant something to him. It was me who made the mistake, everyone warned me what he was like but I just ignored them and carried on regardless."

"You know I do not like Sawyer. And I agree that choosing to trust him, may not have been the best thing to do, but you had good reason to do so. Even I believed that there was something there between you. He has made the mistake because he has lost you, which could have been the one thing in his life that was pure and meaningful, just for something that will not last a day, before Kate realises that she hates him again." He told her.

Alexa knew some of what Sayid said to be true, but she could not make her heart believe that Sawyer would ever regret choosing Kate over her. As she had once told him, Kate was everything she wasn't, and it was no real surprise that a guy would choose Kate over her.

"It will turn out ok Alexa, you'll see." Sayid told her as he stood up.

"What if it doesn't?" She asked him.

"Then we were all doomed to begin with." He answered as he walked away. Alexa watched him grow, and felt the wounds on her heart more clearly as she watched Shannon meet Sayid and embrace him.

Alexa suddenly realised that she would never get past this is if she didn't admit to herself the real reason why it hurt so much for Sawyer to be with Kate. Alexa had lost guys to other girls before, and she had been upset for a time, but it was nothing to the heart wrenching pain that she felt at that moment. Alexa knew now the reason that it hurt so much. She had fallen in love with Sawyer. It was so cliché, she knew that it was true, but it hurt even more to know that Sawyer had never ever felt the same. That she had slowly begun to lose her heart to him, and he had given nothing in return. Although that wasn't strictly true, he had given Alexa happiness, and comfort and affection even if it wasn't real.

Alexa had asked Boone, Jack and Locke earlier how things could get any worse, and here she was seeing how they could. Alexa was running out of things to lose now, she had lost what little reputation she had, she had lost her friendship with Kate, her closeness with Sayid. And most of all she had lost whatever it was that had been between Sawyer and herself. Not only that but she had lost some hours of her life, to something she couldn't even remember, and thinking back to the paper in her bag, she had also lost her privacy.

Not two days ago, Alexa had been seeing the good in life, and the good the island had given her. Yet now; now it had all been taken away. Everything she had been grateful for was gone, just as it had been before. Nothing lasts forever.

"Nothing Lasts forever" she heard her own voice whisper in the darkness

"It'll turn out alright Alexa" A voice she had not heard in nearly a year whispered back.

"You can't know that. You can't" she said.

"Never give up hope Alexa" The voice told her.

"I've run out of things to hold on to" she said sadly.

"Never give up……" The voice of one who had died months before whispered out to Alexa. It hurt to remember, but the words brought Alexa hope.

Alexa was awoken by a familiar presence in front of her. She opened her eyes only to be blinded by the sun, her hand moved in front of her face to shield her eyes as she tried to pick out the figure of whoever was stood in front of her. Before she could decipher it for herself, the figure spoke and his voice instantly gave him away.

"We need to talk Lex." Sawyer's voice said deadly serious.

"I have nothing to say to you." Alexa said, trying as hard as possible to keep up her passive façade.

"Abdul mentioned you were mad. Didn't stick around to find out why though. Talk to me Lex." He said. Alexa couldn't believe him, here he was pretending as if nothing had happened, pretending as if everything was just as it was before.

"I said I have nothing to say." Alexa said as she stood up and moved to walk away, but Sawyer grabbed her arm.

"Don't give me this shit Alexa." He said angrily. Alexa turned and stared at him her eyes filled with anger, and hurt.

"Just leave me the hell alone Sawyer!" She shouted, but he still wouldn't relinquish his hold on her arm.

"You gonna tell me what the hell this is about Lex. I haven't even done anything, and you're acting like a child." He shouted back.

"You want to know what this is about Sawyer? Hmm? This is about you, and how you obviously enjoying toying with people's feelings. You…." Alexa stopped she didn't want to continue and allow Sawyer the knowledge that he had hurt her.

"Figure it out yourself Sawyer. You make out with Kate, and God knows what else, and then expect me to be ok with that. You come back here pretending everything is fine, when you broke all the promises you made. You said you'd be there Sawyer, you said I wouldn't have to face it alone." Alexa paused and took her breath her voice was quiet now, her anger all but gone replaced only by pain and a deep resounding sorrow. "It was all lies. All of it. I knew….I knew what you once were, I accepted it. But I guess I thought I meant more to you than that. Maybe it's my own fault for ever thinking that, but even if it is I can't do this anymore. It's tearing me apart. I can't wake up every day worrying that you'll just leave in a moment's notice the minute someone better comes along." Alexa finished only a few tears leaking from her eyes, Sawyer was staring at her his expression unreadable, it was easier that he hadn't spoke nor tried to interrupt.

"You made your decision Sawyer. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." Alexa's voice was bitter, and she could no longer bear to stay. So instead she did what she always did; she walked away, she walked away from all her problems, and turned her back. Every step away she took that he didn't call her back her heart hurt a little more, and any lasting hopes she had fell to pieces at her feet. She turned her head and looked back and found he was gone. The last rays of hope within her vanished Alexa once again gave into the despair that Sawyer had once driven away.

Alexa stared once more out to the ocean; her mind in turmoil, her heart in shreds. She searched on the horizon for answers, hope, and some way out of the darkness which she now found herself. But there was nothing for Alexa to find.


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