AN

Hey guys, next chapter is done, and hopefully eighteen will be done soon enough. Biggest thanks to the reviewers from last chapter: to arwen1982, I'm glad you're back and reading my story again andI hope my reply answered some of your questions, please tell me what you think of this one. To steam rolled harry potter thanks again for your review, comments always inspire me to keep going and get writing, espicially knowing people are enjoying it. To phili, what can i say? I'm glad you like my OC, you could be right about the mary sue, butI had hoped that Alexa ws real enough, and thatI missed most of the clichés for her to be classed as merely an OFC, but hey you liked it anyway, so thanks for the comments.

Oh and of course thanks to my Beta, for her help with everything.

So guys keep reading, and please review as you can see comments are a great help tome,and they help me to keep writing.

Disclaimer: Of courseI don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'


Chapter 17

Alexa opened her eyes, and blinked slowly as they were blinded by the sun. It took her a moment to remember why she felt so terrible, why she felt like some one had massacred her heart with a chainsaw. Yet the moment of forgetfulness passed, and the full force of the past few days hit her. To Alexa's surprise the memory of the others' warnings, and the injuries she sustained no longer frightened her as much. It seemed that her fear was now overshadowed by feelings of loss, and despair stronger than she had felt in a long time.

It had been nearly a year now since she had lost her best friend, and slowly but surely she had let go, her grief only prolonged by memories of her mistakes. The darkness she had lived in was constant yet there had been moments, especially here on the island on which the sun had shined, where Alexa no longer feared tomorrow as she had so long done. It seemed now however, that whatever good had passed had now come undone, and that all the hope had unravelled at her feet.

Alexa looked up as she heard shouts and voices from further down the beach. The Korean couple stood arguing, and it seemed Michael had decided to get involved. Normally Alexa's curiosity would have driven her to find out what was going on, but after people's perception of her had grown even worse, she decided it wasn't worth it. Thinking back on it; previously she might have relished in the solitude, the chance to spend her hours in the presence of another outcast, someone who before had made her welcome when others had not been. Yet that was no more.

Alexa, however, still felt the need for solitude. No one would understand what she was going through - to them she got what she deserved. Even to those who had been in similar situations, she didn't deserve pity; she was merely another enemy for them to shun. Alexa found herself less bothered by that then she should be, she should care and she should make an effort to prove she was far from the maniac people believed her to be. But she was so tired. So tired of it all. So instead she once again got up and walked away.

Alexa knew she was running once again, but she didn't care. She wandered in no specific direction through the jungle, her thoughts dwelling in places she would rather they didn't but could not seem to help. She found herself at the island golf course, and attempt from Hurley to bring some fun back to their situation. It was a gallant effort and at the time it had worked. She remembered with mirth a time she had bet with Kate that Sawyer would easily beat Jack and sink a hole.

"No offence Kate, but he has no chance." Alexa told her laughing.

"Oh really and why is that?" Kate asked her

"Because Sawyer's going to sink this one. Isn't that right?" she shouted at him. Sawyer turned and looked at her giving her a smirk.

"What's it worth?" he asked her. And both Jack and Kate sighed in disgust.

"You mean in addition for getting the glory of beating the great doctor Jack? Well you'll just have to wait and see won't you?" She teased.

"So how much do you want to bet?" She asked turning to Kate. Kate looked like she was going to turn down Alexa's offer. But Sawyer's next comment quickly changed her mind.

"Smart move freckles. I wouldn't bet against me either." Sawyer said smugly.

"Fine I'll take that bet." Kate told her, a distinct amount of conflict and defence of Jack showing through.

Alexa was shaken out of her memories as she realised she wasn't alone on the course. She watched as just ahead of her Jin, the Korean man, hit stone after stone as far as he could. It seemed he was working at relieving his anger, and by the looks of things it was working. She walked up behind him, and was mildly surprised to see no fear or even mistrust in his eyes. Merely a sadness, and as she stared she realised maybe in some ways they did have something in common. Although she could quickly have told him, that whatever else Sun truly loved him. For the moment however it seemed that Jin understood, as he passed her a club and a few of the stones. She smiled slightly at him before setting up next to him. They may not have spoken the same language but there were some things that didn't need to be said.

Alexa watched as another of the stones sailed through the air. She knew in reality this was a pointless exercise, but on some level it helped. Although her mind still dwelled on other things, having a focus for her anger and her hurt was nice. She knew it was far from dealing with her problems, but she also wasn't running from them, so in some way it was an improvement.

Being away seemed to help as well, just seeing Sawyer, or even Kate was enough. One of the worst things was she didn't really know what to feel against either of them. In some ways she hated Kate for coming between her and Sawyer, for taking Sawyer from her. Yet in others she couldn't help but think that Kate haddone her a favour, shown her the truth before she had got hurt even more. And Sawyer? Well that was even more complicated, she knew that inside she still loved him, for you couldn't just wipe that away, just like you couldn't choose who you fell for, but there was so much anger at him. So much hate and resentment; that he had hurt her so much; that he had made no attempt to remedy it, to get her back; that he had toyed with her emotions; broken his promises; reduced her to this person that she didn't want to be; driven her back into the darkness which she had fought so hard against. Yet still she loved him, still longed for his touch, still wanted him to love her. She knew of course; that he didn't, that he never had and never would love her, but she found she couldn't stop herself from wanting it.

Alexa was lost and she knew it, she no longer had any anchor when she was adrift in the sea of her own emotions. Sawyer was gone, and not only that but he was gone at a time when she was most alone. Her friendship with Sayid still existed but its bonds had drawn thin now that he had Shannon. By being with Sawyer she had cut herself off from many of the other survivors, and with the rumours floating about, it was too late for her to change their opinions of her.

Alexa barely noticed as Hurley approached Jin and asked him to go fishing. It seemed Jin however had his own problems, as Hurley walked away alone. Finishing her last stone with one last almighty swing, she turned to her golfing partner and gave him a parting nod, which he returned. Alexa found herself glad that even in her despair she had found herself closer to someone with whom in normal circumstances she would never have associated. True neither she nor Jin had said a word, but emotions didn't have the problem of the language barrier, and it seemed they both understood.

Alexa made her way slowly back to the beach. Time flowed on around her, yet she had no concept of it - it could have been minutes or hours. Alexa was trapped in the memories of the past, reliving events time and time again. As she made her way back to the beach and stared into the flames of the fire, she was surprised as she looked up and saw the stars twinkling in the sky. The day had passed and Alexa had barely acknowledged it.

Alexa reached into her pocket and pulled out the coin she had given to Sawyer so long ago. He had dropped it the day he had left her when she went after Sayid. When they had met back up, she had offered it to him but he had turned it down claiming; 'she probably needed the luck more than he did'. She stared down at it, and watched as the firelight flickered off its surface. The coin was a reminder of home, but most of all it was a reminder of Sawyer and that was gone. Whatever she had had with him was gone now, so she stared at the coin one last time before flicking it into the fire. The fire would do little but char it, but Alexa knew that in the ashes and remnants of the flames the coin would never be found again.

She stood up and her eyes flicked towards the raft that Michael had started to build. The raft, and hopefully their salvation. She had no doubt of Michael's building skills, but the ocean was dangerous and treacherous, and without the proper equipment or crew, that little boat could easily be swept away, drowning its passengers. She also understood his need to be away from here, to get Walt to safety, to save his son and himself.

Alexa turned away from the raft and back to the fire, her eyes catching sight of Kate and Sun. Alexa was mildly confused by the fact that they seemed to be conversing with ease, but she shrugged it off, her thoughts focused on Kate and Sawyer again. It wasn't until she heard shouts from behind her that she realised something was going on. She turned around and quickly found the source of the problem, the raft that Michael had so carefully begun to build was in flames. Survivors were attempting to put out the fire but to no avail, and Michael's anguish was clear. Alexa made her way forward staring at the flames as they demolished the raft. She wasn't alone; to her left Kate and Sun stood watching in horror.

"Where is he!" Michael screamed at Sun as he watched the raft burn "I know he did this. Where is he!" It was no contest as to who he thought did this, his hate for Jin was obvious, and Alexa found herself going to the defence of her recent golfing partner.

"Come on Michael, that's not fair. You have no proof that Jin did this, it could have been anyone." Alexa flinched slightly as Michael rounded on her his anger obvious.

"Anyone huh? Why am I not surprised you're involved in this? Not content in just hurting people, you decided to help him to burn my raft did you?" Michael was stepping closer and Alexa found herself involuntarily stepping backwards. Alexa put her hands up in protest to his accusations, wincing slightly as it strained the wounds in her back. Playing golf probably hadn't helped.

"What…I didn't…" But Alexa was cut off once again by Michael.

"Don't lie. We all know what you're like. I should have guessed that you would have no problem with this." Michael shouted at her once again. The accusations Michael was so carelessly throwing at her hurt. She couldn't think he truly believed her capable of this. Even if she was, she would have thought the substantial evidence of her being sat within ten feet of him for the last few hours would have been enough to convince him she didn't do this.

Before Alexa could open her mouth to defend herself Kate and Jack came to her rescue, however much she resented Kate at the moment, she was glad to have her support on this.

"Michael. Alexa is right. We have no proof that Jin did this." Jack told him calmly.

"I don't need proof we know that he did this. And she probably helped him." He spat indicating Alexa.

"Alexa has been sat at the signal fire for the past three hours Michael. We have witnesses who can support that." Kate told Michael. "She didn't set foot near your raft."

"See." Alexa told him "And if you actually wait next time before throwing your accusations at innocent people, you might not have this problem." She told him angrily.

"Innocent? Yeah right." He huffed before noticing that Walt seemed to be too close to the raft and quickly ran over to stop him.

Alexa couldn't believe Michael's attitude, but it seemed it was shared by a multitude of the survivors, her recent episode with Charlie and Ethan seemed to have proven to people that she was guilty of every crime they felt like throwing at her. She had always been a bit of an outcast; her association with Sayid who people mistrusted, and Sawyer who made himself disliked by most didn't help. She knew the only reason Jack had come to her rescue, was because of his morals and his weird sense of justice, and Kate, well it could just have been her following Jack, but Alexa wondered if she was trying to get Alexa not to tell people what was going on. As of yet, the only people who knew of what went on between Kate and Sawyer a few nights ago was Kate, and Sawyer themselves along with Alexa and Sayid, whom Alexa had confided in. She knew it was far from a scandal, but if Kate wanted to keep her off again on again relationship with Jack, then him knowing that she was obviously deeply involved with Sawyer as well probably wasn't the best idea.

Part of Alexa wanted to scream at Kate and just out of spite, exaggerate what went on to Jack. She knew however that to do so was childish. Whatever hurt Kate and Sawyer had inflicted upon her, she had no right to pass it on to others. No matter how much she wanted to vent her hurt onto Kate, to make her understand what it was like, she also knew the blame fell to Sawyer. A man who seemed to have disappeared for the past day or so, as no one had seen him.

Alexa sighed and walked away from Kate and Jack who were giving her worried glances.

"Alexa wait." Kate shouted. Alexa simply ignored Kate's shout and carried on walking; she wasn't ready to have this conversation with Kate just yet. Assuming she ever would be. She wandered further outside of the general vicinity of the camp than she normally did when finding somewhere to sleep. A few weeks ago she knew she would have been sharing the shelter with Sawyer, but the days in which that occurred seemed so far away now, and Alexa was having trouble holding onto the memories of the good times, as they seemed always overshadowed by the bad. Sawyer and Kate's kiss, the time Sawyer left Alexa in the middle of the jungle injured after a fight with Boone, the time Alexa had fled once again seeing Kate and Sawyer together, the time Alexa had gone after Sayid and Sawyer had turned his back saying there were some things he couldn't do. And most recently and probably the hardest, the time when Alexa had walked away and Sawyer had said nothing to call her back. That memory was more painful than that of Sawyer and Kate together, for it destroyed all her illusions about Sawyer ever feeling anything for her. As she walked away every step she took her heart was willing him to call her back, to run to her and tell her it was all some crazy mistake. But he hadn't. And that hurt her all the more.

So as Alexa once again surrendered to sleep, she wondered when it would be that she would wake up without her heart feeling heavy, when it was she would start to appreciate life for the good it brought. Or whether this time was just one time too many.

The dreams of course were back, with no Sawyer to chase away the nightmares; they were as vivid and dark as ever.

She was back at the graveyard, Alexa didn't understand why, for she had let go of her guilt for what happened, she knew it was a mistake but she had accepted it and moved on. So why was she here? She moved to stand at the grave as she had before, expecting to see an empty gravestone, the words all peeled away, but instead she saw her own name engraved upon the headstone. But she wasn't dead. This made no sense.

Soon the scene quickly changed and she began to understand the images of the one before. She was back at the black rock, but it wasn't a rock…it was a ship. Now Alexa was even more confused. She knew she had never seen the rock before, and understood that in her dreams the rock had represented the place within the others' territory that she feared. How could the boat represent the rock?

And then the voices were back, taunting her. She wondered what it was they wanted from her, why did they want her?

"All alone now Alexa." The voice hissed at her.

"No one to protect you anymore." The other voice hissed.

"All alone. Just like before Alexa." It taunted

"You remember don't you?" It laughed.

"We're coming for you. There's no one to save you now Alexa. You've driven them all away." The voice mocked.

"They won't even notice you've gone. There's nobody left to miss you." It jeered.

The scene once more reverted back to the graveyard. Her own grave stood this time solitary and alone, even the stone itself seemed to be taunting her. Her name engraved on the plaque and nothing more, no endearments; no beloveds, just her name.

"Who will mourn you when you're gone Alexa. Who?" The voice whispered to her.

Alexa jerked awake, tears streamed down her face as she remembered her dreams. Who would remember her? She stopped her thoughts in her tracks, her parents that's who. Her parents back home in England, who, whatever she had done had always been there for her. However she may have pushed them away, they had still always been there for there, through everything, through all her mistakes, they would remember her. Yet even as she thought it, she knew they believed her dead already, lost to them, and yes they would have mourned for her. Their only daughter dead in a tragic plane crash, but they wouldn't know it all. They wouldn't know she had been alive the past weeks, on a desert island, an island which had brought so much happiness but so much pain. They wouldn't know how she let go of her loss of her friend, and forged new friendships. They wouldn't know how she had lost her heart to a man, they certainly wouldn't think suitable for their daughter, however grown up. And they wouldn't know how he had broken it as he probably broke many before her. There was so much they wouldn't know, and Alexa hoped that they knew she had loved them, because if she ever got off this island then she wasn't going to take them for granted any longer. However much she might hate the thought, they were both old and their time was dwindling.

Alexa's morbid thoughts were interrupted by a commotion further down the beach, and Alexa found her curiosity returning enough for her to venture out and find out what was going on. As she moved closer and saw the scene unfold she tried to be objective, however much she wanted to shout at Sawyer, not only for her but for how he was treating Jin at that moment in time.

"Stop It." A voice shouted, effectively stopping Michael from hitting Jin again. Alexa's eyes followed the three figures in the sand to the form of Sun who stood at the edge of the group; speaking English.

"He did not set fire to the raft." Sun said; her English accented but the words perfectly understandable. "He was trying to put the fire out. That is how he burnt his hands." Sun tried to explain to the group. To Alexa it seemed perfectly logical, what did Jin have to gain from setting fire to the raft? Alexa could not see him as a man too sink so low as petty revenge, however badly he may have treated Sun at times; she doubted he would do that.

The rest of the group, however, did not seem to share her sentiments as they looked at Sun in doubt, and Michael especially did not seem ready to accept Sun's explanation. Jin however was staring at his wife in shock; it seemed the revelation of Sun's new found language abilities were as much a surprise to him as everyone else. Although it did explain why Kate was having such an easy conversation with Sun the day before. Luckily before the group could turn mutinous again Locke intervened. Alexa didn't know whether to be pleased or annoyed about this turn of events, she didn't trust Locke, not that was really saying anything being as she didn't trust many people. She was never sure whether his comments were based upon true wisdom and knowledge, or just some sadistic sense of power and the urge to cause chaos, yet whatever it was it seemed that Locke was trying to help.

"Think about this logically? Who would be most likely to want to destroy our chances for means of escape?" Locke asked the survivors. His questions, however, centred on Michael. Michael made no reply but Locke continued. "We all know we aren't the only people on this island. There are others here, and it seems their intent is far from benevolent. There's no need to accuse each other of this crime, when the perpetrator is so obviously out there." He said, gesturing to the jungle. It seemed finally that Locke's words had sunk in as the survivors all nodded, she only wished that Locke had some magic words which could convince people that she had no intention of hurting anyone, let alone Claire and that she hadn't tried to kill anyone.

Michael it seemed also understood Locke's words as he stared at Jin once more before walking away and going back to the remains of the raft. Alexa moved forward through the crowd ignoring Sawyer's presence for the moment before offering her hand to Jin. Jin looked up at Alexa with slight suspicion before noting who it was. The recognition in his eye meant he took her hand and allowed her to help him up, before walking away. Alexa watched his departure and saw Sun follow after him, she knew whatever happened between them, there were going to be some rough seas before the end.

It was only after several minutes that Alexa turned back to the group only to see they had dispersed, except for Sawyer who stood in the exact spot he had minutes before. He moved as if to talk to her but then Kate moved forward to speak to him. He gave Kate a glance before speaking.

"Not now Freckles." He told her, effectively brushing her off. Alexa didn't miss the angry expression on Kate's face as she walked away and met up with Jack. Sawyer moved forward once again his intent clear as his blue eyes met Alexa's. She knew he wanted to talk, but Alexa didn't really think she was ready to hear what he had to say yet. The way he had dealt with Kate had given her hope, but she had quickly brushed it aside. She didn't want to make the same mistake time and time again. So once again for hundredth time Alexa turned her back and walked away.

"Alexa wait." Sawyer said.

"Not now Sawyer." Alexa said her voice cold.

She knew inside that she would have to talk to Sawyer eventually, but she wasn't ready yet, her wounds were too fresh. So it would have to wait, and if Alexa ever meant anything to Sawyer, which she was beginning to hope for again, then he would understand and he would wait for her. Thinking of wounds, Alexa knew she needed to see Jack, hopefully he would be able to remove the stitches. The wounds hurt less and less each day, and Alexa had an idea but if she wanted it to work then she needed to check with Jack first.

So as the sun rose next morning, Alexa awoke with it and made her way to Michael who it seemed was making the newest raft, with the assistance of Jin.

"So where do I start?" She asked. Michael sent her a confused look, but it seemed Jin understood as he showed how he needed the bamboo holding and she set to work.

"Alexa, I'm…" Michael started and Alexa knew he was about to apologise.

"It doesn't matter Michael." She told him quietly. He nodded and the three of them began to work.


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