AN

Ok guys, i'm so sorry about the time it took me to get this chapter finished. But with only one review, thanks so much for that by the way 'steamrolledharrypotter',I find it hard to get the inspiration I need. WhenI feel as ifI am only writing for myself and my beta, it takes me longer to really feel like writing. I'm sorry for the excuse but please guys reviews are really helpful, constructive criticism is fine, just tell me what you think.

Anyway hope you like, hopefully i'll be up with the next chapter sooner.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the Tv show 'Lost'.


Chapter 18

Alexa winced as she pulled out another splinter, she was getting quite adept at it now, especially with all the practice she was getting. She looked up from her work as she heard some angry shouts in Korean and watched as the bamboo pieces fell apart again. It seemed Hurley wasn't doing what Jin wanted. Alexa picked up the bamboo she had been cutting and passed it to Michael before going to assist Jin. Hurley looked little perturbed as she and Jin picked the bamboo back up and she held it tightly as he bound it together, Michael came over and translated for Hurley.

"You were holding it wrong. He wants you to hold it like…how Alexa is." He said indicating Alexa who had moved over to allow Hurley to help again. Hurley had seemed slightly surprised when he had come to help and found Jin, Michael and Alexa working in perfect harmony. She understood why of course; Michael and Jin had been obvious enemies since they had first crashed here, and Alexa's anti social nature along with people's mistrust of her had cut her off from many of the survivors.

To see them all working, and in some moments laughing together had been a shock to many of the survivors. And Alexa found that by helping, she was already improving people's opinions of her. She found however, that Michael and Jin's company was enough, and she did not really seek to make more friends. Of course being friends with Michael meant extending an invitation to Walt too - not that it was all that difficult. Alexa had never really been fond of children but Walt was intelligent and curious, without being infuriating, and he had remembered their talk from weeks ago, which she found herself happy about.

As Alexa, Hurley and Jin continued with the bamboo at Michael's instruction, Jack came over and seemed to be checking on their progress. Alexa wiped her hands on her jeans before letting Hurley take over for a bit and moving over to join in the conversation.

"How's it going?" He asked Michael, as Alexa grabbed a bottle of water.

"Pretty good. We still have some more structural work to do, but Jin and Alexa are dealing with that. I've got everything else pretty much covered but…" Michael paused as he climbed down from the raft and nodded to acknowledge Alexa before continuing. "To be honest our chances of being rescued by a ship are slim." Michael told him.

"He's right." Alexa agreed. The raft wasn't huge, and they would need some way to either get any ships to notice them or find out where they were. "We would have a better chance if we had some sort of transmitter."

"Yeah, something that could send out a distress call." Michael said, as he accepted a bottle of water Alexa passed him.

"It's a good idea, but even if Sayid could come up with something to do that, you would have no way to power it." Jack said his face thoughtful as he looked at the raft.

"What about the French lady?" Hurley asked from behind them. "She had batteries right?"

Alexa stifled a groan as Hurley, Jack and Michael looked at her expectantly. It was true, of course, that Sayid said the French woman had batteries, and it was also true that she, along with Sayid, had been to the French woman's hideout. Still she knew for a fact that her arrival there had been merely luck, along with a determination to rescue Sayid, no matter what. Now by the looks of things they all expected her to lead them there. Even if she could remember how to get there, she didn't think it was such a bright idea. Despite Sayid's reassurances, the French woman was still crazy and going back there held little appeal for Alexa. Plus if she remembered rightly, last time she had returned Jack had managed to shout at her for going, insulted her intelligence, and told her she was going to get them all killed.

"Oh no guys, don't even think about it. For one I can't even remember how I got there to begin with and…" Alexa was about to carry on before she realised that both Jack and Hurley had walked away and as her eyes followed them she knew they were heading to talk to Sayid "Two, it's incredibly dangerous. We have no assurance she will even be there, or that if she is she won't try and shoot us. Oh and even Sayid wouldn't lead you there." She mumbled under her breath. Her warnings were wasted now that they had both left, but Alexa felt the need to say them anyway, even if no one was listening.

Alexa knew Sayid would not lead them after the French woman - and for good reason. After what had happened last time, no one wanted a repeat of the experience. Unfortunately, the determination she had seen made her think that, even without help, they would somehow find a way. Alexa pondered the thought as she returned to the raft and began to help Jin once again.

"Sorry about that." She mumbled to Jin as she moved and grabbed the bamboo he was struggling with. He merely looked at her and shook his head. She took it to mean he didn't mind, and on some level understood what she had said.

Alexa had not seen Sawyer in days, and her mind was whirling at what it meant. Did it mean he had finally given up hope on them and moved on to Kate for good? Was she right in her first assumptions that he had never wanted her to begin with? Or was it merely him waiting for the right time, the time when she was ready to talk to him - if ever? Building the raft had, in general, kept Alexa's mind off the whole situation, her thoughts instead focused on her work, and on her position in the raft. Michael had said the original had only been designed for four people, but with her help he had made some adjustments meaning the raft could take five. It seemed the fifth member of their endeavour was yet to have been chosen.

As the sun went down on yet another day, Alexa went to sleep too exhausted to dwell on thoughts of Sawyer, or on an uncertain future. Instead she merely longed for a dreamless sleep, one void of nightmares, and the fears her conscious mind kept buried.

By the time Alexa awoke it was later than she usual. She stood up and winced as her ribs burned from their old injury. The scratches on Alexa's back had hardly been a bother, and were now virtually healed - although she knew they would scar - but the injury from months earlier, would still twinge now and again. Alexa decided a trip to the caves was in order. She needed to fill her water bottle anyway, and she could probably convince Jack to give her some aspirin. She waved to Michael and shouted that she'd be back to help later. He nodded before continuing with his work.

Her trek to the caves was, for once, uneventful, but of course her run of good luck couldn't last, and she entered the caves to find Sayid and Jack in debate; Charlie stood by.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything." She said as she made her way in, effectively stopping their conversation for a few seconds. Both men's eyes flickered to Alexa before flicking back to each other.

"That is low Jack. Just because I refused to show you Rousseau's hideout, you sent Hurley out for you." Sayid accused. The look of utter confusion on Jack's face was enough to even convince Alexa that he didn't have clue what Sayid was talking about.

"What are you talking about Sayid?" Jack asked bewildered.

Alexa herself was confused; she had walked in half way through a conversation and was at a loss to know what was going on. Instead of sticking around as per usual, Alexa grabbed her empty bottle and filled it up asked Jack quietly for aspirin who merely nodded before returning to his conversation, and got ready to leave. Before she did so however, Charlie, Sayid and Jack pushed out ahead of her, and unable to quash her curiosity she asked:

"Hang on. Where are you guys going?"

"After Hurley." Charlie replied darkly. It took Alexa split seconds to make a decision, she could go with them, or go back to the raft. She knew she had responsibility on the raft, but as always with Alexa, she decided to take the easy way out. Instead she merely ignored the voice which told her to leave it and asked to accompany them. They seemed reluctant at first, but Sayid knowing Alexa's stubborn nature gave up, with the excuse:

"She was there last time. Perhaps she can be some help."

Only after a few miles into the jungle did Alexa finally start to question what she was actually doing there. She hardly even knew Hurley, her last episode with French woman hadn't exactly turned out well and her escapades into the jungle in general were well acknowledged as turning into disasters. Maybe she was a jinx, maybe it was her that made all the bad stuff happen. She quickly shook off the thoughts. They were pointless, and seemed far too much like self pity. She had promised herself she was going to try and stop that.

Hearing a creak and a rustle behind her, Alexa turned on instinct, searching for the cause of the noise. Seeing nothing she turned back only to find Locke standing directly in front of her.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" She asked as she tried in vain to slow her breathing. There was something about Locke that put her on edge. Ever since they had first met, something hadn't added up with him, yet she had no real valid reason for why not.

"Haven't you stopped running yet?" Locke said to her. Alexa stared bewildered at Locke. What was he talking about? She hadn't been running.

"What are you talking about?" Alexa asked, now slightly freaked out. Alexa tried to walk away to catch up with the others, but Locke blocked her path.

"You have to face it Alexa. You're putting us all in danger by not." Locke said sagely. Alexa was now really scared, Locke's words made no sense, yet on some level they were something she had heard countless times in her dreams and from her subconscious.

"Face what?" She asked.

"Face what you're afraid of Alexa." Locke said. By now Alexa was more annoyed by his cryptic attitude than bothered by it.

"Cut the Mystic Meg stuff Locke. You have something to tell me; then do." Alexa said impatiently.

"Didn't you ever wonder Alexa? Why it all happened? Why nearly everything you feared came true? You feared being kidnapped by the others. And then you were. You feared losing Sawyer to Kate. And then you did. You feared being attacked in the jungle. And then you were. You feared everyone here alienating you. And that happened too Alexa. What are you afraid of now?" Locke asked her.

"I was afraid of being alone." Alexa whispered almost to herself, "And now I am." Alexa's thoughts then swung back to the dream of a few nights alone, of dying alone where nobody cared. That couldn't come true could it? This didn't make sense though. Did it mean all her fears were founded and she was predicting what would happen in her future? Or did the future happen like that because she predicted it so?

"Thoughts don't have that much power." She said to Locke, in an effort to convince herself.

"You need to face it Alexa. By running away from everything you're afraid of, you made it real. Maybe you're right, anywhere else, thoughts don't have much power; but here, here it's different. The Island is trying to teach you something Alexa, it's given you several chances yet you still haven't learned. This is your last chance. You have to stop running." Locke said, before stepping into the jungle and almost fading into the trees.

"Wait! Wait, what do you mean last chance? My fears can't be real! Nothing has that much power! Nothing!" she shouted, but there was no one there. The jungle was so quiet, and no sign remained that Locke had been there. He couldn't be right, could he? No he was just trying to scare her, just playing on her fears again. Yet Alexa couldn't shake the feeling that everything he said had been true. All the things she had been afraid of had happened, who said that it wasn't connected? She had seen enough weird stuff on the island to know that not everything was as it seemed.

Alexa had thought that she had stopped running, that by facing her past and allowing Sawyer into her life she had been moving on. It seemed, however that that was not the case. She may have moved on in some ways, but in the others she was just the scared coward she had always been. The one who ran from all her problems in the hope that they wouldn't catch up with her. The one who turned from conflict and preferred to walk away. Alexa still didn't understand fully what Locke meant, but she saw that perhaps there was some truth in his words. It didn't matter if it was her fears that was causing these things, it mattered more that she still wasn't facing them.

The biggest problem now though, was how did she face them? It was too late now, how could she change something that had already happened? She couldn't of course, but maybe she could stop the things that he said were to come. Even thinking on it, Alexa knew it would be a big step, she knew even now she was afraid: afraid of simply being afraid, she was afraid to feel, afraid to get hurt. She had allowed her fears to drive her for so long she didn't know how to do anything else.

Alexa turned rapidly as she heard rustling from the bush behind her. Maybe it was Locke? Or Sayid, Jack and Charlie had come back for her. It didn't sound like them though, no it sounded oddly familiar to the sound she had heard in the jungle many days ago now, when she had been tied to a tree. That was the first time she had decided to try and face her fears. She had failed then as well. The sound grew nearer and Alexa's instincts took over, she turned and ran. Alexa didn't know where she was running, but she had strange sense of déjà vu, reminiscent of her dreams. For some reason she kept running, thoughts of horrific deaths at some monster's hand, of mind control and evil deeds at her own by the others ran though her mind. Memories of the past where she either ran literally or figuratively. She was always running.

It was then that the truth finally hit Alexa, maybe this was what Locke had been talking about. You couldn't run from everything; no matter how much you were afraid.

Alexa found herself slowing. She planted her feet firmly on the ground and then turned. Worries of being wrong flitted past, for what if this was real? What if it was going to kill her? She pushed them aside. If she didn't stop running she was going to die anyway, be it here or by some other problem she had left behind and left to fester. She stared defiantly into the trees willing her foe to come closer. Her fear was still prominent, and Alexa knew her hands were shaking, but she refused to run any more. The trees in front of her began to sway violently, and Alexa's thoughts dwelt only on that she never had that talk with Sawyer, never gave him a chance to explain. Maybe her insecurities had been partly what had pushed him away to begin with. Her fear had caused rifts all over her life.

So she stared boldly into the jungle, and into the face of her fear. The unseen foe drew ever closer and closer. The trees not five metres in front of Alexa begin to move and the noise was deafening.

"I refuse to be afraid anymore." She whispered. Her words were barely there, but as soon as she had said them the noise stopped as did the trees; and there was silence once more.

Alexa stared bewilderedly around her: she wasn't dead. And by the looks of things she wasn't far from the beach either. She stumbled out of the jungle and onto the warm sand; her mind numb. What had happened? Had she been imagining things? Hallucinating perhaps?

"Alexa, hey!" A voice shouted and she looked up to see Michael stood on the raft. She waved back and smiled, passing the wave onto Jin who acknowledged with a nod. She headed towards them intent on helping them. Her mind was still in turmoil, but she found herself strangely free, as if she had lost some heavy weight that she had been carrying around. The ache that was forever there in her heart still remained, but it no longer seemed as sharp as before, and Alexa found herself oddly happy. Alexa was stopped before she reached the raft as she bumped into someone.

"Oh sorry Claire." Alexa said as she steadied the girl. Claire looked at her oddly before replying.

"Do I know you?" the Australian asked her politely. It was Alexa's turn to give Claire and odd look, before she remembered: Claire had lost her memory. Had Alexa really not found the time to reintroduce herself?

"Sorry again. I should have really introduced myself before. Alexa." She said holding out her hand.

"Did we know each other…you know before." Claire asked shyly. Alexa pondered the answer, well they had known each other; they hadn't exactly been friends however. Claire and Alexa had had so different views on things, Alexa realised that she had avoided real conversation with the girl in fear of conflicting opinions.

"Yeah we knew each other." Alexa said smiling before heading off and back over to the raft "Oh and Claire if you ever need anyone to talk to…" Alexa's voice dwindled, but she saw Claire's grateful smile, and knew the girl understood.

She made her way to the raft, said hello to Jin before setting back to work again. The work which had before merely been an escape for thoughts of a darker variety now seemed like a new lease of hope to Alexa. They could get off this island, and she could make up for things, try to fix some mistakes.

"Hey Alexa. Sawyer's been asking about you. He seemed pretty worried, wanted to talk to you." Michael said as he jumped down form the raft to give her a hand with part of the mast.

"Sawyer? Did he say anything else?" Alexa asked.

"Nah. Just that if I saw you, I should tell you he'd been looking." Michael told her, and she nodded before they both got back to work. Alexa wondered about Sawyer as she had often done the past few days, but now she could see things with more perspective. Maybe Sawyer had been afraid too. She looked up as Sayid, Charlie, Jack and Hurley made their way over, all looking exhausted but passing Michael a battery.

"Are you ok Alexa? We lost sight of you in the jungle and hoped you had decided to return to the beach." Sayid asked her.

"I'm fine Sayid. Better in fact." She replied and just laughed at his confused look. "Never mind." She said and he just shook his head.

As the sun slowly sank on the horizon, Alexa saw a lone figure standing much further down the beach. She recognised the profile instantly, and made up her decision quickly. She left her bag in the sand, and took off her shoes slowly paddling along the coast until she reached the figure.

"Hey Sawyer." She said quietly to his back as he faced away from her.

"Alexa." His voice said sounding startled and almost longing. Alexa saw the almost lost look in his eyes, and the sadness that was forever etched into his features, and felt the empathy and companionship she had forever felt with sawyer. She also felt guilty for her selfishness. He had been there for her when she needed it, but when had she offered him the same favours. He had talked to Kate about his past; not her, and where before there was jealously now there was merely sadness that Alexa should have done more.

"Alexa I…" Sawyer started

"Sawyer I…" Alexa said at the same time. They both shared a slight smile and Alexa felt her heart skip a beat, something it hadn't done in a while.

"I think it's time we talked." Alexa told him, and Sawyer nodded, he reached out and touched her cheek brushing away the tear which she hadn't even noticed.

"Missed you Lex….." he whispered, and Alexa smiled a sad smile and waited for an explanation. Maybe there would be something ahead for her and Sawyer. Her mind flashed to Sawyer and Kate kissing, pushing another wound into her heart. Or maybe it was too late for them.


Please R&R thanks. Never Give up Hope.